Extras (TV series)

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Extras is a sitcom written and directed by Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant. It concerns Andy Millman, a struggling actor forced into accepting dialogue-free roles as extras in various film and television productions, and his efforts to attempt to break into the big-time by hobnobbing with the more famous stars he works with.

Season 1[edit]

Episode 1[edit]

Original Air Date: July 21, 2005
Guest Star(s): Ben Stiller

Stiller: A lot of you might be thinking, 'Why am I making this movie?' Sure, you guys look at me as one of the world's most successful comedy actors … what does that mean? I mean, yeah, I make Along Came Polly, it opens to $32 million, one of the biggest Martin Luther King, Jr. birthday holiday opening weekends ever, goes on to gross 170 million worldwide. Meet the Parents, double that. But what does the money and the success mean in real terms? If I find a little orphan child in a warzone, hiding in a burnt out building. His parents, murdered. Persecuted for his race, his religion. What am I gonna do? Pop on Dodgeball on DVD?
Goran: Is funny film.
Stiller: Thanks, and I can put on Dodgeball, and he's gonna laugh for an hour and 32 minutes, you know, escape reality for a while, but what happens when the film finishes? Back to reality. Still an orphan. Still living with fear. How do I help him? Put on Dodgeball again? Sure, he's gonna laugh again. He'll see things he didn't see the first time, it's layered, it was made like that. But, this can't go on indefinitely. All right, at a certain point, you know, after the fifth, sixth, seventh viewing, he's … still laughing, but it's not getting to the root of the problem. OK? How do I help him?
Andy: [quietly, to Maggie] Make Dodgeball 2?

Maggie: [commenting on attractive man's high-fibre lunch] No bowel cancer for you, then!

Stiller: [irritated sigh] Will you stop going on about your fucking dead wife?

[After Andy has spoken to Ben Stiller out of turn]
Stiller: Who are you?
Andy: Nobody.
Stiller: What's that? Who?
Andy: Nobody.
Stiller: That's right. Nobody. Yeah. And who am I?
Andy: It's either Starsky or Hutch, I can never remember.
Stiller: Was that supposed to be funny?
Andy: You tell me, you were in it.
Stiller: Get off my set. Go on, get off my set.
[Andy shrugs and turns to leave. Ben Stiller turns his back to Andy, then swings back again, not finished]
Stiller: Hey, do you know how much Meet the Fockers made in its opening weekend?
Andy: No.
Stiller: No, you don't do you? [Suddenly points to a random crew member] What do you think?
Random Crewmember: I dunno.
Stiller: Take a wild guess.
Random Crewmember: Twenty million?
Stiller: [Smugly, to Andy] Way off. Double it. Add six. Forty-six, three days. Seventy million, five days. Five hundred million worldwide. Number one movie in India, right now.
Andy: [Unimpressed] Well done. Bye, nerd.
Stiller: [Livid] Oh, I'm a nerd?!
Andy: Yes, you are.
Stiller: I'm a nerd! I've kissed Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore! I, uh, I slapped Jennifer Aniston's butt!
Maggie: In films.
Stiller: It still counts! [Stomps away, turns, realizes the entire cast and crew is staring at him; defensively] It still counts! … It still counts. I did it. [Stomps off]

Episode 2[edit]

Original Air Date: July 28, 2005
Guest Star(s): Vinnie Jones & Ross Kemp

Andy: Sorry, the reason I'm here is, I want to know what your plan of action is. What's your strategy, what is your business plan?
Darren: Well, my plan is, when you get some work, then I can start making some money. 'Cause what I'm no good at, is, you know, breaking an act.
Andy: Oh! So, when I'm successful, you can deduct 12.5%, no problem.
Darren: 15 for adverts. That's what I'm hanging on for, really.
Andy: [incredulous] Yeah? You just want someone to call up and give me an advert?
Darren: That would be amazing. That would be brilliant.
Andy: Right, OK. Make sure the phone's on the hook, then.
Darren: You joke about it; it was unplugged for two days! No one noticed. Tsk!

Kemp: I headbutted a horse, once.
Andy: Must've really annoyed you.

Andy: Ah, and what do you recommend, my good man?
Caterer: Chicken's the warmest.
Andy: Is it? I'll have that then.
Caterer: One chicken.

[gives Andy his food]

Andy: Your heart isn't in this is it? Oh, but one of your pubes is, I notice!

[Caterer dives his fingers into mash]

Andy: Ooh, straight in there, no fuss.
Caterer: That's not a pube, it's a dog hair.
Andy: Oh, it's alright everyone! It's not a pube, it's just a dog hair, that's all. I thought it was a pube, but no. Oh, by the way, if you do happen to find any hairs in your food, he just goes straight in there with his sausage fingers.

Episode 3[edit]

Original Air Date: August 4, 2005
Guest Star(s): Kate Winslet

Andy: Have you talked dirty back to him? Have you?
Maggie: No, no, I have not. I don't know what to say to him, it's too embarassing. What if I say, like, something and he just laughs at me, or something and he, and it's too much and he gets all offended.
Andy: Well, no, it's just all stuff like, "Ooh, I'm playing with myself."
Winslet: Sounds interesting.
Andy: Hi. Not me. Her.
Winslet: Go on.
Andy: Her boyfriend likes to talk dirty on the phone and she doesn't know what to say to him.
Winslet: Oh, yeah, that can be a bit awkward. Well, why don't you just start off with something light, you know, like, um, "I'd love it if you stuck your Willy Wonka between my Oompa Loompas." You know, something a bit fun, a bit jokey. And then you can get more hardcore, rattle off the old classics, like, "I'm playing with my dirty pillows," "I'm aching for your big purple-headed womb-ferret," and then go straight in hard, like, "Get 'round here 'cause I'm fudding myself stupid and I'm bloody loving it." Right?
Maggie: Yeah.

Andy: Dear God, I've got Jeremy Clarkson's wardrobe!

Winslet: My God, I'm not doing it for that. I mean, I don't think we really need another film about the Holocaust, do we? It's like, how many have there been, you know? We get it. It was grim. Move on. No, I'm doing it because I've noticed that if you do a film about the Holocaust you're guaranteed an Oscar. I've been nominated four times. Never won. The whole world is going, "Why hasn't Winslet won one?"
Andy: Def-yeah
Winslet: Right, so... That's why I'm doing it. "Schindler's bloody List." "The Pianist." Oscars coming out of their arse.

[Andy kisses the priest's hand]
Priest: Oh, you don't have to do that, I'm not the Pope!
Andy: No, old habits die hard - my old priest used to make me kiss him... on the ring... on his finger, not like that, there's none of that going on, and that makes me sick as well, people saying priests are paedophiles and kiddy-fiddlers, and it's probably... I mean they probably are, you probably know some, but there's no higher percentage of perverts in... but, you know... they're all walks of life, aren't they? There are nonces everywhere, but let's not exaggerate the issue is what I'm saying. I've never been touched by a priest. I've been touched by God - not in that way - in the heart... but, you know, or... ah... oh... condoms. Do we need them? Don't think so. Let the free seed of love gush forth.

Darren: [checks computer] Errm. Do you want to put another meeting in?
Andy: Any point?
Darren: May as well. Errm. And then when nothing comes in, just phone you up and cancel it.
Andy: That's a plan.

Episode 4[edit]

Original Air Date: August 11, 2005
Guest Star(s): Les Dennis

[Genie appears out of a big lamp]
Dennis: Blimey! What a big poof.
Andy: [as Genie] Cheeky!
Dennis: Who are you?
Andy: Well, I'll be anyone you want me to be but you can call me Genie.
Dennis: How does someone as big as you squeeze into this tiny lamp?
Andy: Don't worry about it. I'm used to squeezing myself into tight holes! Ewwwwgh! No pain, no gain.

Andy: [prompting Les] Where do you want to go from?
Dennis: How about 1992?

Dennis: You don't remember. Nobody remembers. That's why I'm in a shitty little panto, where the only people laughing were that bunch of gays.
Andy: Nothing wrong with gays.
Dennis: I know. But they'll laugh at anything. No victory in making a bunch of gays laugh, they laugh at anything. Look at that Graham Norton.
Andy: He's alright, i'n' he?
Dennis: Is he? Is this funny, is it? "Oooh! Look at this website about cocks and fannies. Oooh! Jackie Collins, what lovely tits. Do you like a cock up your arse? Oooh!" Is that funny?
Andy: It is quite funny when you do it, but keep it down a little bit, 'cause you're in a pub
Dennis: What is that? I want to do something more high-brow, Oscar Wilde or something.
Andy: Yeah, definitely, he was gay.
Dennis: I know. But not in the same way. He was clever. Would this have been funny? Him going through customs: "I have nothing to declare but my genius. Ooooh! And this vibratin' tongue for pleasurin' fannies. Oooh!" Is that funny?
Andy: Again quite funny when you do it. But it's Sunday, can you keep the "fannies" down to a minimum?

Episode 5[edit]

Original Air Date: August 18, 2005
Guest Star(s): Samuel L. Jackson

Jobsworth: ...Whoa. Where are you going? You can't come on here, it's actors only.
Andy: I am an actor.
Jobsworth: No, you're background. Your bus is over there. This is for actors.
Andy: I am an actor.
Jobsworth: No, your voucher's green, that means you're background.
Andy: Right. So you're judging my entire career on the colour of my badge.
Jobsworth: No, I'm sure you've had major roles in other things.
Maggie: He hasn't.
Andy: Shut up.

GUY: What's wrong with going for a meal with me?
Andy:Nothing, a bit weird... but--
GUY: What's weird about a couple of mates having a meal together?
Andy: Well, we're not really friends that's the point--
Guy: But that's how we become friends. We go for a meal.
Andy: But I go out for meals with people that are already friends, I don't go to people willy-nilly and go, "Oi, mate, I don't know you from Adam, but do you want to go out for the weekend? You might be a mental case, but let's find out." It's mad. Do you know what I mean?
Guy: No. [walks away sadly]

Dan: I'm just trying to get into TV. I mean, to be honest, there's not a lot of black faces needed on television.
Maggie: No. [pause] "Crime Watch."
Dan: What?
Maggie: The reconstructions on "Crime Watch", they always need black actors... [pause] or white actors. They need black actors and white actors. Depending on who's committing the crime that day. I mean there's criminals--black criminals. Certainly, there's white criminals as well as black criminals... [silence]

Andy: He doesn't think you're a racist.
Maggie: He does! He's just seen me say to a black woman, "You're not allowed to sit on this bus." It's like that whole racism-on-a-bus incident all over again.
Andy: What, the Rosa Parks incident??
Maggie: It wasn't in a park, it was on a bus.
Andy: Sure.

Andy: Well, there is that test I can give you.
Maggie: What test?
Andy: The racism test they give you when you join the Council to make sure you're not a racist.
Maggie: I've never heard of it.
Andy: Yeah, do you want to do it? Just ten questions-- You've got to answer totally honestly, okay? Just relax, you've got nothing to worry about... unless you are a racist... Okay, question one: Who would rather see with their shirt off? Brad Pitt or Sir Trevor McDonald?
Maggie: Brad Pitt, obviously.
Andy: Obviously?
Maggie: What?
Andy: I can't say anything until the end. Right, question two. This is about racial awareness, cause often you catch out a real racist because they don't know or care about any black issues. Who is the prime minister of Great Britain?
Maggie: Tony Blair.
Andy: Correct. Who is the Prime Minister of Namibia?
Maggie: [stressed] I don't know...
Andy: Ooh, you knew the white one... Okay, um, oh dear... Who is the Queen of England?
Maggie: Queen Elizabeth II.
Andy: Correct. Who is the President of Djibouti?
Maggie: Oh, this is ridiculous! I've never even heard of blubbin' Djibouti!
Andy: Oh! Please do not ridicule the totally valid African language, please. Alright, next question. Who would you rather have waiting for you when you get home tonight: Johnny Depp or OJ Simpson?
Maggie: Johnny Depp, because of the murder thing.
Andy: Because of the murder thing? I think you'll find that OJ Simpson was acquitted, but in your eyes because he's black, he's still guilty.

Episode 6[edit]

Original Air Date: August 25, 2005
Guest Star(s): Patrick Stewart

Andy: What's your story about, if you don't mind me asking?
Stewart: Well, how best to explain this? You've seen me in X-Men?
Andy: Yeah.
Stewart: The character I am, Professor Charles Xavier, if you remember, can control things with the power of his mind; make people do things and see things. So I thought, what if you could do that for real? I mean, not in a comic book world, but in the real world.
Andy: Alright.
Stewart: So, in my film, I play a man who controls the world with his mind.
Andy: Right. That's interesting.
Stewart: For instance, I'm walking along, and I see this beautiful girl, and I think I'd like to see her naked, and so all her clothes fall off.
Andy: All her clothes fall off?
Stewart: Mmm. Yes. And she's scrabbling around to get them back on again, but even before she can get her knickers on, I've seen everything. I've seen it all.
Andy: Ok... So, comedy, is it?
Stewart: No. It's about what would happen if these things were possible.
Andy: What's the story though?
Stewart: Well, I do other stuff, like I'm riding my bike in the park, and this policewoman says, "Oi! You can't ride your bike on the grass." And I go, "Oh no?", and her uniform falls off, and she goes "Aaaah!", and she's trying to cover up, but I've seen everything anyway, and I get on my bike and ride off. On the grass.
Andy: So, it's mainly about seeing ladies' tits?
Stewart: Mainly. And I do other stuff. Like I go to the World Cup Final and it's Germany vs. England. And I wish I were playing and suddenly I am! And I score the winning goal. They carry me into the dressing room, and there's Rooney and Beckham and then Posh Spice walks in and --
Andy: Her clothes fall off?
Stewart: Instantly.
Andy: Sure.

Stewart: You're not married, you haven't got a girlfriend... and you've never watched Star Trek? Good Lord...

Stewart: Hello Maggie. This is Patrick Stewart. And the reason you're hearing my rich, sexy voice is that Andy isn't man enough to apologise himself, so he's asked me to do it.

Season 2[edit]

Episode 1[edit]

Original Air Date: September 14, 2006
Guest Star(s): Orlando Bloom, Keith Chegwin & Sophia Myles

Chegwin: [as Alfie] My sister buried me today.
Andy: Oh, for fuck's sake! Why would your sister bury you?

Chegwin: 14 years at the BBC. Swap Shop. Cheggers challenge. Still run by Jews and Queers, is it?
Andy: Jews and queers?! I think there are a few Jewish people, and some gay people, yeah.
Chegwin: [sarcastically] 'Gay!' I forgot, not allowed to say queer nowadays, are you? Suggests something abnormal. What could be more normal than shoving your cock up a blokes arse? Let's face it; If god had wanted a cock up an arse, he wouldn't have given us beaver. Men have knobs. Women have fannies. Pop knob in fanny. Not up the arse.
Andy: Should really be taking notes.
Chegwin: What?
Andy: Nothing. It's all good advice.

Episode 2[edit]

Original Air Date: September 21, 2006
Guest Star(s): David Bowie

Andy: I'm an entertainer too.
Bowie: What do you do?
Andy: I'm in a sitcom.
Maggie: It's called 'When The Whistle Blows'. Have you seen it?
Bowie: I haven't, no, is it any good?
Heckler: [off-screen] Na. It's shit.

Episode 3[edit]

Original Air Date: September 28, 2006
Guest Star(s): Warwick Davis, Daniel Radcliffe & Diana Rigg

Radcliffe: You married?
Make-Up Artist: Yeah
Radcliffe: Don't stop me. A ring don't mean a thing.

Darren: The papers don't look good
Andy: Oh what's it say?
[Holds up newspaper]
Darren: "Bully kicks midget in face".
Andy: Accurate...
[Puts down paper and holds up another]
Darren:"Pick on someone your own size, fatty".
Andy: At least it can't get worse.
[Puts down paper and holds up another]
Darren: Yeah, look at this one; "Suicide bombers get Lotto funding'".
Andy: Well what's that got to do with it?
Darren: Nothing, it's just shocking though innit, what goes on.

Episode 4[edit]

Original Air Date: October 5, 2006
Guest Star(s): Richard Briers, Ronnie Corbett, Stephen Fry, Chris Martin, Davina McCall, Patricia Potter & Moira Stuart

Darren: Calm down, [holds up muffin] muffin?
Andy: No.
Darren: Have a lovely bit of muffin.
Andy: I don't want any.
Darren: Do you mind if I have a little bit of muffin?
Andy: No.
Darren: Thank you, [into intercom] Bar?
Shaun: [through intercom] Yo?
Darren: I'm having the muffin.
Shaun: [through intercom] I'll come through.
Andy: Why is this an event?
Darren: It's exciting. [bites into muffin]
[Shaun enters]
Shaun: Alright, Andy?
Andy: Alright, Shaun.
[they shake hands]
Darren: Lovely bit of muffin.
Shaun: [to muffin] Hello, you.
[Shaun bites into the muffin while it's still in Darren's hand]
Andy: Why's he eating like that?
Darren: Yeah, why are you eating it like that?
Shaun: Me hands, been cleaning out the toilets, got no gloves.
Andy: You... you shook my hand when you came in.
Shaun: Well that's politeness innit?
Darren: He's just being polite.

[after being caught taking drugs in the toilets]
Corbett: [to Darren] It's your fault.
Darren: Why's it my fault?
Corbett: They saw your head over the cubicle door.
Andy: They saw your head under the cubicle door, so...
[security guard enters]
Security Guard: Well, well, well, the Three Stooges.
[Andy laughs]
...Is something funny?
Andy: Your joke, it was...
Security Guard: Shut up. Corbett it's always bloody Corbett. See, I expected it from him, but you,[to Andy] you're the new kid on the block. How'd you fall in with this crowd?
[Andy mumbles]
...Is this it? Or is there any more?
[Corbett pulls a bag from his pocket]
Corbett: Just a bit of whizz, you know? To blow away the cob-webs.
Security Guard: Hand it over. Where'd you get it?
Corbett: Don't remember.
Security Guard: Don't piss me about. Where'd you get it?
Corbett: Don't remember.
Security Guard: Was it Moira Stuart?
Corbett: I can't say.
Security Guard: We don't want you, just give us a name and you can walk free.
Corbett: You don't get it, mate, do you? I don't remember.
Security Guard: Alright. Here's something you will remember, you're banned from BAFTA, you can never win a BAFTA now.
Andy: What? Me as well?
Security Guard: Yeah, all of you.
Andy: Oh...
Security Guard: You can never attend any of our varied events, you can't come to the film BAFTAs, you can't come to the TV BAFTAs, you can't even come to the children's BAFTAs.
Corbett: What about the Welsh BAFTAs?
Security Guard: Would you attend the Welsh BAFTAs if you were asked?
Corbett: Probably.
Security Guard: Expect a call.
Darren: [pointing at Andy] He'll come to the Welsh BAFTAs, if you want.
Andy: Yeah.
Security Guard: Yeah, we're after more, you know, respected comedians.
Darren: Makes sense.
Security Guard: Get out of my sight. That's all of you, yeah?
Andy: "Makes sense".
Darren: I reckon I could've had him in a fight.
Andy: Yeah? You f-f.. Idiot.

Episode 5[edit]

Original Air Date: October 12, 2006
Guest Star(s): Germaine Greer, 'Dr' Mark Kermode, Mark Lawson & Ian McKellen

McKellen: Peter Jackson comes from New Zealand, says to me, "Sir Ian, I want you to be Gandalf the wizard." And I say to him, "You are aware that I am not really a wizard..." And he said, "Yes, I’m aware of that. What I want you to do is use your acting skills to portray the wizard for the duration of the film." So I said, "Okay." And then I said to myself, "Hmm, how do I do that?" And this is what I did: I imagined what it would be like to be a wizard, and then I pretended and acted in that way on the day... And how did I know what to say? The words were written down for me in a script. How did I know where to stand? People told me. If we were to draw a graph of my process, of my method, it would be something like this: Sir Ian, Sir Ian, Sir Ian. Action. WIZARD! "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" Cut! Sir Ian, Sir Ian, Sir Ian.

McKellen: How will you know what to say? Well the words will be in the script...and you will learn the words! You would not have the script on the night and that goes for everybody, there will be no scripts on the night! You learn the words!

Fran: John? I love you.
Andy [to the audience]: In the play.

[Andy walks into Darren's office; Darren is sitting at his desk]
Andy: Moron
[Darren looks around]
Darren: You talking to me?
Andy: Yes, I'm talking to you! Didn't you read the play?
Darren: What play?
Andy: The play I'm in, the play that you got me a part in. It's a gay play. I've got to play a gay, with another gay. Acting all gay. All through the play... it's so gay.

[after trying to push his own 'waste' through the u-bend in the toilet using a whisk]
Darren: Oh, that's just mashing it up.

Episode 6[edit]

Original Air Date: October 19, 2006
Guest Star(s): Robert Lindsay, Robert De Niro & Jonathan Ross

[after Mother with sick son gets Andy to promise to visit him in hospital]
Lindsay: Bit weird isn't it?
Andy: Bit presumptuous.
Lindsay: No, I mean it's a bit weird she didn't ask me.

Darren: So... have you ever driven a taxi in real life?
Robert De Niro: ...No.

Christmas Special[edit]

Original Air Date: December 27, 2007
Guest Star(s): Lionel Blair, Dean Gaffney, Toby Foster, Hale & Pace, George Michael, Clive Owen, Gordon Ramsay, Lisa Scott-Lee, Chico Slimani, June Sarpong, Vernon Kay, Karl Pilkington, and David Tennant

[as they pass the TV displays in the department store]
Maggie: Look, it's Greg in a film!
Andy: Oh, come on, we can't watch telly in the day.
Maggie: No, wait, I want to see! [the clip plays on, showing Greg dueling with Clive Owen] I love Clive Owen.
Andy: [scoffs] Clive. Good name for a film star. Clive...
Maggie: [as the clip ends and Jonathan Ross begins interviewing the actors] Greg seems good in it!
Andy: [shrugging] Bit part.
Ross: I'm joined by Clive Owen and Greg Lindley-Jones, the two leads in the film...
Maggie: He's one of the leads!
Andy: In a terrible film.
Ross: ...I thought the film was brilliant...
Maggie: He thought it was brilliant!
Andy: Oh, I can hear!

Andy: I don't want to do camp, frothy nonsense. I want to do something classy!
Darren: Celebrity Big Brother have been on the phone.
Andy: You're not listening to me!
Darren: It's good money.
Andy: Not in a million years! What about films? What happened to films?
Darren: Okay, now this is interesting, we did have a call -- have you heard about this Byron film that everyone's raving about?
Andy: Yeah.
Darren: Right, well, they're making a sequel. Should be classy, should be good, it's about what it means to be a man, it's about honor, it's about integrity. They wanted you to go in and do an audition.
Andy: Right.
Darren: Obviously I said no, but I thought that was very positive --
Andy: What do you mean, you said no?
Darren: Well, they were asking for someone who's sort of thirty-six, handsome, dashing, and I presume they'd have to be taller than you, so I thought that --
Andy: Always do the audition!
Darren: But look at you, that's insane! I might as well send Barry! [Shaun/Barry laughs openly]
Andy: Call them back and say you've got the perfect person for the part.
Darren: Who?
Andy: Me!
Darren: No, it's really -- I don't want to waste their time.
Andy: Why am I trying to persuade my agent to get me an audition? It should be the other way round!
Darren: But if I send you, they'll think I don't know what I'm doing!
Andy: Ohhh, no one could ever think you don't know what you're doing, that you're a total waste of space and shouldn't even be in the industry.
Darren: Well, thanks, mate, but you'd be surprised. [Shaun nods]

[at the audition]
Greg: Sorry... must declare an interest, actually. Me and Andy are very old friends. We've been climbing the slippery showbiz ladder together; some of us have got a little further than others... Anyway, I won't be biased.
Casting Director: So which role are you going for?
Andy: Henry Milligan.
Greg: Hang on! Can't be Henry Milligan. It says here "age thirty-six."
Andy: Yeah. I took that as meaning mid- to late thirties.
Greg: We'll change it to "late thirties." [makes a note] Hang on, can't be Henry Milligan. Says here "late thirties."

Michael: [approaching the "queer bench" where Andy is sitting with Bunny; throwing away a joint and a kebab wrapper] Hello, Bunny.
Bunny: Oh, hi, George.
Michael: [sitting down] Any action? [looks at his watch]: Only got twenty minutes, actually, I'm on my lunch break.
Andy: Lunch break?
Michael: Yeah, I'm doing community service.
Andy: Oh, are you still doing that?
Michael: Oh, not that one, no, I'm doing another one now. I'm picking up litter now.
Andy: Oh, right. What'd you do wrong this time?
Michael: Fly tipping, believe it or not. Yeah, I was helping Annie Lennox out with an old fridge-freezer, and she said, "Shall I call the council?" and I said, "No, don't bother with that, there's a skip at the end of my street." So at two-thirty in the morning, we're tipping it in there, and the fucking police show up.
Andy: How'd they get involved, then?
Michael: Well, it was Stuart Copeland's skip, and he called Sting, and Sting called the fucking council, 'cause he's a fucking do-gooder. And now me and Annie are picking up litter. [getting up] Well, I'd better get going, 'cause I'm gonna have to get back to work soon...
Bunny: Come on, then, you. I'll give you a quickie.
Michael: Oi, I'm not that desperate.
Bunny: Cheeky bastard!
Michael: Actually, will you do me a favor and watch out for paparazzi? I'm going to go and try over there.
Bunny: Love to.
Michael: Yeah? Cheers.
Bunny: Cheers. [to Andy, as Michael leaves] I've had him before, you know. In his car.
Andy: Wasn't that a bit cramped?
Bunny: Mm. And he was swerving all over the bloody road.

[seeing the extra his character is supposed to have slept with]
Clive Owen: Oh, fuck off! I'm Clive Owen, that's mental!

Shaun: [packing after Andy has fired Darren] What about these? [pointing at some binders on the window sill]
Darren: Nothing in 'em. Just put them up there because the local kids run by and peer in and shout insults.
Shaun: Kids can be cruel, eh?
Darren: Yeah. They can.
Shaun: What do they say?
Darren: You know what they say.
Shaun: What, "lanky four-eyed twat"?
Darren: Yeah.
Shaun: "Weirdo goggle-eyed gimp"?
Darren: Sometimes.
Shaun: "Frankenstein's albino gonk"?
Darren: I've never heard that one.
Shaun: It's so easy to have a go at a bloke who looks like you, you're just easy pickings, and it's... [trails off and shakes his head]
Darren: "Sheepshagger" they've said sometimes as well.
Shaun: I thought "sheepshagger" was Welsh.
Darren: No, it can be Bristol as well.
Shaun: I thought Bristol was inbreeding.
Darren: Sheepshagging, inbreeding, slavery... we're famous for loads of stuff down there.
Shaun: Oh, all right.
Darren: Bar?
Shaun: Yeah?
Darren: I could do with a hug, mate.
Shaun: Yeah. [They hug. A kid walks by, looks in the window, and shouts, "Queers!"] Ignore him.

[at the Ivy]
Maggie: I'm not sure you should actually come here, even. This place just seems to annoy you. You always saying, "He's got an acting part" that you wanted, or, "He's got credibility and he doesn't deserve it." If you worry about things like that, you're never going to be happy. No matter how successful you get, you'll never be famous enough.
Andy: Thank you, Dr. Freud. Next conversation.
Maggie: [is quiet for a second, then smiles brightly] What would you rather be? A penguin that can't fly, but it swims around in the water like a fish -- but it is a bird -- or a flying fish that can fly, but it is essentially still just a fish...
Andy: Oh, fuck it. I can't do these stupid questions anymore. Seriously. We're grown-ups.

[after being denied entrance, Andy bursts into the Ivy, where his new agent is having lunch with Greg]
Andy: Trey!
Manager: Excuse me!
Trey: [beckons Andy over] What are you doing?
Andy: What are you doing? You haven't been returning my calls!
Trey: Yeah, well, funnily enough, there's not been much my end since you told the BBC to piss off.
Andy: Oh, there's other channels, aren't there? You're meant to generate work for me, you're my agent!
Trey: Well, I can't magic things out of thin air. They either want you or they don't. Life's cruel. And to be honest with you, I've been up to my eyeballs with my other clients.
Greg: Guilty as charged.
Andy: Yeah... what about me?
Trey: All right, listen to me, Andy. I can't help you because I don't know what it is that you want. Every time you come into my office it's something different. One day it's all about not selling out, being an artist, next day you just want your face in the paper. What do you want? You want to be a world-famous movie star or do you want to be the tortured genius creating great art?
Greg: Look -- do you want fame and fortune, or do you want integrity and respect?
Andy: Both.
Trey: Right. Well, there are only a few people in the world who have both those things. And you will never be one of them. What do you want?
[long pause]
Andy: Rich and famous. And on the telly.
Trey: Right. Okay then. Will you do the stuff you keep turning down?
Andy: Yes.
Trey: Comedy panel shows?
Andy: Yup.
Greg: You know you'll have to make your carefully written jokes look ad-libbed.
Andy: Yes, I know how they work.
Greg: [to Trey] Emmerdale.
Trey: Oh, good, yeah. Well this is great! I'd much rather have a client who'll do anything to get on television than someone who goes, "Oh, I don't wanna do that" or "Oh, that's beneath me" -- oh, hold on. There is one other thing. Might have to pull some strings.
Andy: Pull 'em.
[cut to Andy entering the Big Brother house]

Marcus Bentley: Day three. Lionel is dancing again.

Blair: Do you know what I look forward to these days? Death.

Amy: Andy, would you come to my Hello wedding?
Andy: To your Hello wedding?
Amy: Yeah. [when Andy doesn't answer] Are you all right?
Andy: No. [sighs] What are we doing? Selling ourselves, selling everything. "Happiest day of my life. Oh, quick, I'd better do the invites and bake a cake -- and get a press tent. Must have a press tent. It's a wedding." You know, "I must see pictures of myself with other people I'm in a program with. Oh, and now I'm pregnant! Maybe we should televise the birth, get Ruby Wax to present it. Maybe it'll make Jimmy Carr's Hundred Greatest Caesarians." [to Amy] I'm not having a go at you. I'm just sick of these celebrities, living their life out in the open all the time. Why would you do that? It's like these pop stars who choose the perfect moment to go into rehab. They call their publicist before they call a taxi! And then they come out and they do their second autobiography. "This one's called Love Me or I'll Kill Myself!" Oh, kill yourself then. [Maggie, watching at home lying on the couch, lifts her head up] And the papers lap it up. They follow us round, and that makes people think we're important, and that makes us think we're important. [Maggie sits up] If they stopped following us round taking pictures of us, people wouldn't take to the streets going, "Ooh, quick, I need a picture of Cameron Diaz with a pimple!" They wouldn't care, they'd get on with something else! They'd get on with their lives. You open the paper, and you see a picture of Lindsay Lohan getting out of a car, and the headline is, "Cover up, Lindsay, we can see your knickers!" Course you can see her knickers; your photographer is lying in the road, pointing his camera up her dress, to see her knickers! You're literally the gutter press. [loudly, into his microphone] And fuck you, the makers of this show, as well! You can't wash your hands of this, you can't keep going, "Oh, it's exploitation but it's what the public want!" No! [Maggie watches openmouthed] The Victorian freak show never went away. Now it's called Big Brother. Or The X Factor, where in the preliminary rounds, we wheel out the bewildered to be sniggered at by multi-millionaires. And fuck you for watching this at home. [Gestures to the cameras] Shame on you. And shame on me. I'm the worst of all, 'cause I'm one of these people that goes, "Oh, I'm an entertainer. It's in my blood." Yeah, it's in my blood 'cause a real job's too hard. I would've loved to've been a doctor; Too hard, didn't want to put the work in. Love to be a war hero; I'm too scared. [Maggie starts to cry] So I go, "It's what I do." And I have someone bollocked if my cappucino's cold, or if they look at me the wrong way. Do you know what a friend of mine once said? They said I'll never be happy 'cause I'll never be famous enough. And they were right. [Looks directly at the camera, talking to Maggie] And if you're watching this, I'm so sorry. You're my best friend. You're my only friend. [struggling not to cry] And you never did anything wrong. It was everything else. And I'll never do that again, I'll never treat you like that again. And it's eating at me -- you asked me a stupid question once, and I just- I could have answered it, and I didn't, 'cause I was -- I'll answer it now... I'd be the penguin. [Maggie laughs] 'Cause I could eat the flying fish. I know what you're thinking: why doesn't the fish fly away? Well, they can't really fly, they sort of glide and flap; they should be called "glidey flappy" fish. [Maggie laughs again] I'm so sorry.
Darren: [watching at the Carphone Warehouse, grins and wipes his eyes] I've been waiting to hear that, mate!
Shaun: I don't think he means --
Darren: He's a good guy. He's a good guy.
Shaun: ...Yeah.
Andy: I'm gonna go now. Cheers. [gets up and walks to the door; Amy follows]
Amy: Andy, that was- that was amazing.
Andy: Cheers.
Amy: I'm gonna come with you.
Andy: Okay.
Amy: Just give me five minutes, there's paparazzi out there, I'll put on a bikini. [Runs to her room. Andy stands still for a second and then walks out without her]

Andy: Hi.
Maggie: Hello.
Andy: Going?
Maggie: Yeah. [Andy gets in her car] Saw you on the telly.
Andy: [Laughing] Did you?
Maggie: Good.
Andy: Good.
Maggie: Where are we going?
Andy: Somewhere where no one cares who I am.
Maggie: Back to the Ivy, then? [They make faces at each other]
Andy: Seriously... somewhere where no one knows me.
Maggie: Hollywood?
Andy: Oh, the hits keep coming!

[Last lines]
Andy: Seriously, where d'you wanna go?
Maggie: What, can I go anywhere?
Andy: Yeah.
Maggie: All right, then. Where do the flying fish live?
Andy: In the sea.
Maggie: Let's go there, then.
Andy: "Two first-class tickets to the sea, please." [Maggie laughs]

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