Father of the Pride
- (After Kate has torn up a rug) Awesome. Am I the only one turned on by this? (Kate looks at him angrily) Yes I am.
- If I wasn't white, I'd be dancin'!
- Hey! I'm a lion! You were upset, so I attacked!
- Weird. I suddenly feel the urge to chug a beer and chase around a heavy set bar wench.
- Well, aren't you glad I didn't say banana?
- We live in a civilized community. I have a shower cap.
- You saw the way he loves that thing... he brushes its teeth!
- Oh God! Our daughter's a nip head!
- (Questioning catnip) Maybe one of my friends put it there? Or maybe it's Siegfried and Roy's. I mean that would definitely explain the outfits.
- The better question is why do we live in a world where doors need locks?
- How come I'm never involved in the adult conversations?!
- Grown-ups? Last time, Siegfried and Roy dressed up like leprechauns!
- Oh, my God. You searched my room? What happened to privacy?
- You are the worst parents EVER! (Runs to her room and slams the door shut)
- (To Emerson, who called Larry the enemy) No he's not! He's my dad! And I like him! You know who I don't like? You!
- Mom, Hunter's using your copy of Our Bodies, Ourselves to discover his body, himself.
- The zebra's alive! Save yourselves and bring me back through the miracle of cloning!
- (Imitating Gollum) My precious! Grandpa wants to take the precious! (Imitating Smeagol) But Grandpa's a friend! (Imitating Gollum) NO! Kill Grandpa!
- I like elves!
- (Drunk) Grandpa... this tower isn't evil... it's good!
- I do not know you, sir!
- Dad? Are we gonna kill Grandpa?
- (To Larry; amazed) You know Donkey?!
- Happiness, is being a grandparent.
- (Talking to his rug) What do you think of our new place? Oh that's right you can't hear me because I killed you and sawdust now occupies where your brain was.
- You're a fat, middle-aged, virgin panda. You deserve Nelson!
- Larry, I just want you to know. If you were my own son... I'd be pretty disappointed, but I'd make do.
- I love him... but the kid bums me out.
- Okay listen up, you need a zebra rug, I need to get a crazy Hindu elephant off my back.
- (Talking into camera) Vegas. Where every thrill is for sale including... murder! (Makes Psycho sound effects while zooming camera in and out on zebra)
- I don't even know why I bothered learning the numbers in maths 'cause I have found the one!
Siegfried and Roy
- Siegfried: Roy is doing a good thing... WHEN WILL IT BE MY TURN?!?
- Roy: I am Roy! 'Allo!
- Siegfried: Hello, security camera! Here is one crime you cannot stop! (lifts shirt) I stole a six pack.
- Roy: Magic, you fickle bitch.
- Siegfried: Roy! You must be quiet! I am watching the tube of boobs!
- Siegfried and Roy: Activate "Rocket Pants!"
- Roy: Siegfried, have you lost your head brains?!
- Roy: Siegfried. You are down a million dollars. I... am not going back... TO CANADA!!
- Roy: Ja, ja, very funny. Your arm is a blade that cuts trees.
- Roy: CUE OCTOPUS!
- Roy: Siegfried, I am not letting you give fake tickets to Matt Lauer!
- Siegfried: (smacks Roy's hand) I do what I want. You are not the Kaiser of China!
- Roy: Ohh... I am having it up to here with your besmirching the good name of Matt Lauer!
- Roy: You're right. He does interrupt.
- Siegfried: I told you. Licorice whip?
- Roy: Yes, please. That would be lovely.
- Roy: Now we shall have the drink of the magical fairies: Sprite.
- (Elephant - Speaking very fast and worried) The turkey's just my roommate!
- DAMN YOU CARL!
- If only there was a symbol of mob anger! (Looks at torches and pitchforks) ROCKS!
- Why are you talking like a black man from 1991?
- Sarmoti:: Look, Kate she's beautiful now, but let's face it. She has a genetic pre-disposition to take up space (pokes Larry)
Larry:: (sarcastically laughs) I'll remember that when you're begging for your heart medication.
- Sarmoti: ...But the zebra wouldn't die. I raked him with my claws... he jumped back up! I crushed him with boulders... he sprang back to life! Finally... I pushed him off a cliff. He lay there... lifeless. His blood black in the moonlight. It was done. (falls backwards. Hunter shakes with fear) It's alive! (springs back up holding dead zebra rug) Zombie Zebra!
Larry: (through Hunter's screaming while he is stuck to a wall) What's going on here?
Hunter: The zebra's alive! Save yourselves and bring me back through the miracle of cloning!
- Elephant:: Fact. I am Lucy, from Lucy in the sky with diamonds. You don't know this because that damn McCartney takes all the credit!
Larry:: You're Lucy? But you're a guy.
Elephant:: It was a difficult time for all of us.
- Shop Assistant:: I don't know how to make this more clear. We don't sell gifts for White Lions.
Roy:: I see. Congratulations on being a racist.
Hi Larious: My boss fired me yesterday, I started to cry. My boss said 'I can't watch a grown man cry,' so I gave him a blindfold! Ka-Pow!
Larry::...That was terrible.
Hi Larious: Yeah? And you're gay!
- Roy:: (Reading a cue card) As you all know, the 3rd World War has left the world a barren wasteland.
Siegfried:: No, no! This one is for the lions. For their gift!
Roy:: Oh yeah... Dear Larry and Kate. We wanted to bring you the perfect gift, something you would use everyday. Please be enjoying this delightful Scandanavian Tea Service. Hopefully you will have us over for tea...soon.
Siegfried:: Very soon.
- Sierra:: (Catnip is dropped next to her) What's that?
Kate:: Don't play dumb, this isn't a game. It's Catnip. (opens book) Or as you and your friends may call it, Monkey Junk, Street Cheese or... Siamese Colesaw.
Sierra:: What? You think that's mine?
Larry:: We found it in your room.
Sierra:: Oh my god... you searched my room? What happened to privacy?
Larry:: We saw a movie about A LION THAT DROVE A TRUCK! We're not going to let that happen to you.
- Larry: I don't know if I can do this...
Sarmoti: With my help you can. Because as a lion you've got it here and here (prods his head and chest)
Larry: (chuckles) That tickles!
Sarmoti: You sure you're all lion? Maybe a chimp shmock your grandma?
- Kate: (notices beer bottles on table) What the..? Dad, were you playing poker in front of the kids?
Sarmoti: No sweetheart. I'm a drunkard, you know that.
- Sierra:: (ashamed of her father about Emerson) This is all your fault, Emerson is probably boiling in a pot right now.
Larry:: Don't think that way honey maybe they grilled him (as his daughter glares at him) or setting him free in the ocean paradise, I bet that's it.