Four Weddings and a Funeral
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He's quite engaging. She's otherwise engaged. taglines
- Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry to drag you from your delicious desserts. [pause] There are just one or two little things I feel I should say, as best man. This is only the second time I've been a best man. I hope I did OK that time. The couple in question are at least still talking to me. Unfortunately, they're not actually talking to each other. The divorce came through a couple of months ago. But I'm assured it had absolutely nothing to do with me. Paula knew Piers had slept with her sister before I mentioned it in the speech. The fact that he'd slept with her mother came as a surprise, but I think was incidental to the nightmare of recrimination and violence that became their two-day marriage. Anyway, enough of that. My job today is to talk about Angus. There are no skeletons in his cupboard. [pause] Or so I thought. I'll come on to that in a minute. I would just like to say this. I am, as ever, in bewildered awe of anyone who makes this kind of commitment that Angus and Laura have made today. I know I couldn't do it and I think it's wonderful they can. So, back to Angus and those sheep.
- [Carrie asks Charles's opinion on her wedding dress] It is dangerous! You know, there's nothing more off-putting in a wedding than a priest with an enormous erection, yech!
- Oh, I don't know, Charlie. Unlike you, I never expected "the thunderbolt." I always just hoped that, that I'd meet some nice friendly girl, like the look of her, hope the look of me didn't make her physically sick, then pop the question and, um, settle down and be happy. It worked for my parents. Well, apart from the divorce and all that.
- The great advantage of having a reputation for being stupid: People are less suspicious of you.
- Gareth: A toast before we go into battle. True love. In whatever shape or form it may come. May we all in our dotage be proud to say, "I was adored once too."
- ["I was adored once too" Shakespeare's Twelfth Night, 2.3.180, spoken by Sir Andrew]
- Matthew: [At Gareth's funeral] Gareth used to prefer funerals to weddings. He said it was easier to get enthusiastic about a ceremony one had an outside chance of eventually being involved in. [Pause] In order to prepare this speech, I rang a few people, to get a general picture of how Gareth was regarded by those who met him. Fat seems to be a word people most connected with him. Terribly rude also rang a lot of bells. So very fat and very rude seems to have been a stranger's viewpoint. [pause] On the other hand, some of you have been kind enough to ring me to tell me that you loved him, which I know he'd be thrilled to hear. You remember his fabulous hospitality... his strange experimental cooking. The recipe for "Duck à la Banana" fortunately goes with him to his grave. Most of all, you tell me of his enormous capacity for joy. When joyful, when joyful for highly vocal drunkenness. [pause] But joyful is how I hope you'll remember him. Not stuck in a box in a church. Pick your favourite of his waistcoats and remember him that way. The most splendid, replete, big-hearted, weak-hearted as it turned out, and jolly bugger most of us ever met. As for me, you may ask how I will remember him, what I thought of him. Unfortunately, there I run out of words. Perhaps you will forgive me if I turn from my own feelings to the words of another splendid bugger: W. H. Auden. This is actually what I want to say: "Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone, Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone. Silence the pianos and with muffled drum, Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come. Let the aeroplanes circle, moaning overhead, Scribbling on the sky the message 'He is Dead'. Put crepe bows 'round the white necks of the public doves, Let traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves. He was my North, my South, my East and West, My working week and my Sunday rest; My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song. I thought that love would last forever; I was wrong. The stars are not wanted now; put out every one, Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun; Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood, For nothing now can ever come to any good."
- American wedding guest: Do you actually know Oscar Wilde?
- Gareth: Not personally no. But I do know someone who could get you his fax number. Shall we dance?
- Mrs. Beaumont: Are you married?
- Fiona: No.
- Mrs. Beaumont: Are you a lesbian?
- Fiona: Good lord! What makes you ask that?
- Mrs. Beaumont: Well, it is one of the possibilities for unmarried girls nowadays, and it's rather more interesting than saying, "Oh dear, never met the right chap," eh?
- Fiona: Quite right. Why be dull?
- Mrs. Beaumont: Thank you.
- Fiona: The truth is... well, the truth is, I have met the right person, and he's not in love with me, and until I stop loving him, no one else really has a chance.
- Mrs. Beaumont: Oh, what a shame.
- Fiona: Yes, isn't it? [another pause] I was a lesbian once at school, but only for about fifteen minutes.
- Charles: Do you think there really are people who can just go up and say, "Hi, babe. Name's Charles. This is your lucky night?"
- Matthew: Well, if there are, they're not English.
- Gareth: I've got a new theory about marriage. Two people are in love, they live together, and then suddenly one day, they run out of conversation.
- Charles: Uh-huh.
- Gareth: Totally. I mean they can't think of a single thing to say to each other. That's it: panic! Then suddenly it-it occurs to the chap that there is a way out of the deadlock.
- Charles: Which is?
- Gareth: He'll ask her to marry him.
- Charles: Brilliant! Brilliant!
- Gareth: Suddenly they've got something to talk about for the rest of their lives.
- Charles: Basically you're saying marriage is just a way of getting out of an embarrassing pause in conversation.
- Gareth: The definitive icebreaker.
- Charles: Why am I always at, uh, weddings, and never actually getting married, Matt?
- Matthew: It's probably 'cause you're a bit scruffy. Or it could also be 'cause you haven't met the right girl.
- Charles: Ah, but you see, is that it? Maybe I have met the right girls. Maybe I meet the right girls all the time. Maybe it's me.
- Charles: Sorry.. look. Sorry, sorry. I just, ehm, well, this is a very stupid question and... , particularly in view of our recent shopping excursion, but I just wondered, by any chance, ehm, eh, I mean obviously not because I guess I've only slept with 9 people, but-but I-I just wondered... ehh. I really feel, ehh, in short, to recap it slightly in a clearer version, eh, the words of David Cassidy in fact, eh, while he was still with The Partridge Family, eh, "I think I love you," and eh, I-I just wondered by any chance you wouldn't like to... Eh... Eh... No, no, no of course not... I'm an idiot, he's not... Excellent, excellent, fantastic, eh, I was gonna say lovely to see you, sorry to disturb... Better get on...
- Carrie: That was very romantic.
- Charles: Well, I thought it over a lot, you know, I wanted to get it just right.
- Charles: There I was, standing there in the church, and for the first time in my whole life I realised I totally and utterly loved one person. And it wasn't the person next to me in the veil. It's the person standing opposite me now... in the rain.
- Carrie: Is it still raining? I hadn't noticed.
- Charles: Let me ask you one thing. Do you think - after we've dried off, after we've spent lots more time together - you might agree not to marry me? And do you think not being married to me might maybe be something you could consider doing for the rest of your life?...Do you ?
- Carrie: I do.
- He's quite engaging. She's otherwise engaged.
- An Outrageously Funny Affair
- Five good reasons to stay single
- Love is on the air, run for cover
- Hugh Grant – Charles
- Andie MacDowell – Carrie
- James Fleet – Tom
- Simon Callow – Gareth
- John Hannah – Matthew
- Kristin Scott Thomas – Fiona
- David Bower – David
- Charlotte Coleman – Scarlett
- Rowan Atkinson – Father Gerald
- Anna Chancellor – Henrietta ("Duckface")
- David Haig – Bernard
- Sophie Thompson – Lydia