Five Day Forecast/Dance of Doom/Handman [1.1]
Announcer: Terror grips a peaceful city. Terror that wears a loin cloth. His real name is Royce Mumphry, but police in five states know him as Cave Guy. Yes, Cave Guy: hostile, powerful, but also highly intelligent.
Cave Guy: I subscribe to The New Yorker. (laughs snootily)
Announcer: Only one hero can track down Cave Guy. Only one hero has the heart to fight this fiend. That hero is... (silhouette of Batman appears on the screen) on another network. Thus, we have no choice but to turn to this fellow. A teenage nerd, or is he...?
Freakazoid: [in tough guy voice] Nothing will stand in my way!
Cosgrove: Hey, Freakazoid! Wanna get a mint?
Freakazoid: [in normal voice] OK!
Freakazoid: Low Bridge! Everybody Down, Low Bridge! Cave guy's underwear is brown!!! Brown, Brown, It looks like he's got the cooties, ootie! Goodbyyyyyye! Stop ya singing now! End the singing songs, stop, go. Enough with the songs, stop, (In quite voice) Bring it down, come down...(The people come down) Everybody "Shh, Shh" On this side of the room. Everybody, Shh Shh Shh... EVERYBODY DOWN!
Freakazoid: Steph, you fibbed to Dex about washing your hair. If this were an afterschool special, oh, you would pay a bittersweet price for your little deceit. Like getting big oily zits! Or eating off the same plate as David Lee Roth! EW! BLUH! GOH! EW! OH! IT'S THE PLATE... AND HES BEEN ON IT!! DON'T YOU UNDER... OW! THINK ABOUT IT! I'LL BE OVER TALKING TO JILL!
Jeepers: You want to see something strange and mystical?
Freakazoid: NOOOOOOO!!!!! GET OUTTA HERE WITH THAT WATCH!!! LAY OFF THE POOR BEAVERS, WILL YA?!? SHEEEESH!!! YOU'RE A CREEP! GO AWAY! WE WERE HAVING A GOOD TIME UNTIL YOU SHOWED UP, JEEPERS!!! UUUUUUUUGH! GO HAVE SOME COFFEE, WITH CREAM, OR SOMETHING! BECAUSE I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING: THIS IS A HAPPY PLACE!!!!!!
The Lobe: No one can save you this time, Freakazoid!
Freakazoid: That's where you're wrong, Lobe! My new sidekick will save me.
The Lobe: Oh yeah? Well, where is he?
Handman: I'm right here!
Freakazoid: Handman! You've come in the nick of time!
Handman: I wouldn't let you down, Freakabazaal! Oh, I'm sorry, it's Freakazee. Uh, Freakabee.
Freakazoid: No. Freakazoid.
Freakazoid: No. Freakazoid.
Handman: Freakazee! Freeballoo! Meemalar!
Freakazoid: No. Say it with me. Frea.
Handman: Peterson! No! Freakazoid! Freakazoid. [kisses up to Freakazoid]
Freakazoid: Hey, stop it! Pardon me, my mouth is a bit parched. [drinks a glass of water while Handman makes gulping noises] Aaaaaahhhh! Thank you. That was a-very refreshing!
The Lobe: Oh, just stop!
The Lobe: This is stupid.
Freakazoid: You're calling my sidekick stupid?
The Lobe: That's not a proper sidekick; that's just your hand.
Freakazoid: No it isn't.
The Lobe: Yes it is!
Freakazoid: No it isn't!
The Lobe: Yes it is! It's just your hand, you simpleton!
Handman: No, take a closer look. [The Lobe does so] Closer... Closer still... Hold it right there. [punches The Lobe, knocking him into his artillery]
The Lobe: It's the waiting around that kills me.
Candle Jack/Toby Danger in Doomsday Bet/The Lobe [1.2]
Boy: The scariest thing in the world would be... if all the air in the world turned to WOOD!
[The children gasp]
Girl: Okay, like, the scariest thing in the world would be... if like you went to grab something and it wasn't there!
[The children stare blankly]
Girl: .... Because it turned to WOOD!
[The children gasp]
Freakazoid: [grinning] The scariest thing in the world would be... if they gave Sinbad another TV show! [All the children scream and flee in terror.]
Other Kid: You don't really believe in that stuff, about Sinbad getting another TV show, do you Buzz?
Buzz: Nah, the broadcasting industry has all sorts of safeguards to prevent that sort of thing.
[Freakazoid keeps trying to take flight to no avail.]
Freakazoid: Uhg! Hng! Up! UP! GO UP! FLY!
Steff: Freakazoid, you don't fly.
Freakazoid: Oh, right.
Buzz: The guy you want to look out for is Candle Jack.
Other Kid: Candle Jack? Who's that?
Buzz: He's the Boogeyman. Y'know, the for-real one! He snatches kids from their bed and takes them away.... and they never come back.
Other Kid: Why does he do that?
Buzz: Because he's a nut.
Other Kid: Well, how does he get you?
Buzz: That's the thing. He can't, as long as you don't say his name. So just don't say it, okay?
Other Kid: Okay. Good night!
[They lie down and go to bed]
Other Kid: Hey, we did say his name!
Buzz: Well... maybe he didn't hear us.
[Candle Jack rises up from between them]
Candle Jack: Hello, boys!
Girls: Look! It's Candle Jack!
All: CANDLE JACK!!
Candle Jack: I'm gonna need more rope.
Freakazoid: Well, if it isn't...
Steff and kids: NO!
Freakazoid: What? I was just gonna say...
Steff and kids: NO!
Dr. Hanker: Don't say it!
Freakazoid: Don't say what?
Steff: Don't say his name!
Freakazoid: You mean "don't say Candle Jack"?
[quick cut to Freakazoid now tied up]
Steff: Freakazoid, why did you say his name?
Freakazoid: 'Cause I-I wanted to do one of those funny things, like on - you ever watch F Troop? - where Agarn says "There's no way I'm wearin' a dress! Absolutely not! No dress!" And Forrest Tucker's like, "Yeah, you're wearin' that dress! You're gonna wear that dress!" And they wipe - blblblblblblblb - and Agarn's wearin' a dress!
[quick cut to a clip from F Troop of Agarn, crossdressed]
Agarn: YOO-HOO!!! LOCO BROTHERS!!! LOOK WHO'S HERE FOR YOU!!!
Rathgar: Your willingness to change has so impressed me that I will affect a different curse.
Young Quist: Can you make slow, overweight birds appear out of thin air?
Rathgar: Yes. But, I won't.
Foamy the Freakadog/Office Visit/Ode to Leonard Nimoy/Emergency Broadcast System [1.5]
Fan Boy: Leonard Nimoy, Leonard Nimoy
Dear Mister Spock, oh golly gee boy
It sure would make me smile and laugh
If I could have your autograph
If I don't get it, I'll be blue
But then I know what I will do
I'll call you up on the telephone
And bother you when you're at home
You hang up, the line goes dead
But then a new idea pops in my head
I'll visit you right where you live
I'll ring on the doorbell and ask if you'll give
That autograph I've been waiting for
You give it to me, and so much more
Oh thank you, thank you, Mister Spock
Now please call Bones; I need a doc.
Narrator: Freakazoid, in stereo where available. And where not available, it's not in stereo. There's nothing we can do about that so don't blame us. We have no control over it. Call your cable company if there's some sort of a problem or the local broadcaster. But if they're not giving you stereo and you want stereo, that's your problem. Not ours. Don't bug us. Complain to your congressman or Newt Gingrich! Like I'm sure he'd care! Ha! But we don't want to get any letters. Understand? Good!
Narrator: The following scene has been deleted by the network censor because it shows a pup making dog water.
Lord Bravery: Look, what don't you understand?
Bill: Any of it.
Lord Bravery: Listen, it's really quite simple. I take Lord Bravery. She becomes "Helen's Bake Shop", "Helen's Butcher Shop" becomes "Rudy's Butcher Shop", because "Rudy's Hardware And Twine" changes to "Hank's Hardware And Twine" and "Hank's Tires" becomes "Terry's Tires" and if "Terry's Intimate Apparel" changes to "Wendy's Intimate Apparel" requiring Wendy's to change to Johnny's, Johnny's to Ellen's, Ellen's to Frank's, Frank's becomes Enrique's and Enrique's becomes Bill's, which means all you have to do is change your name from "Bill's World Of Paint" to something else!
Bill: But I don't want to!
Lord Bravery: Why?!
Bill: Cos' my name's Bill.
Lord Bravery: What kind of superhero would call himself Lord Smoked Meats and Fishes?
Mr. Snarzetti: Ah. One who wants to use the element of surprise.
Freakazoid: (After demonstrating the Emergency Broadcasting System) This was only a test. If there had been an actual emergency, we would have gone like this: AHHHHHH! HELP! HELP US! NO! GET US OUT OF HERE! HELP ME! HELP EVERYONE! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Jack Valenti: We've put together a little motion picture about Freakazoid's origin. It's filled with action and adventure and even features a scene with a man wrestling a bear for no reason.
Business Man: A Freaky-zoid? What's that?
Roddy MacStew: That's just what it sounds like Mr. Fancy Man sitting in your chair!
[Roddy is thrown from the top of a building.]
Guitierrez: Now, how did that happen? [He begins to chuckle, then pauses at the silence of his colleagues.] Laugh with me!
Announcer: We interrupt this program to increase dramatic tension. Thank you. And now back to our program.
Roddy MacStew: Oh I'm his uh.. (thinking) WHAT SHOULD I SAY! I CANT THINK! SHE'LL NEVER BUY IT! CRUD! CRUD! (out loud) I'm his insurance agent.
Mrs. Douglas: Insurance agent? But he's only 17.
Roddy MacStew: (thinking) CRUD! I BLEW IT! I BLEW IT!! (out loud) Oh no, I meant his driving instructor. It's time for his lesson.
Mrs. Douglas: On Christmas Day?
Roddy MacStew: He's a very bad driver.
Roddy MacStew: You'll never get away with it Guitierrez!
Guitierrez: Get away with what? I haven't said anything yet.
Roddy MacStew: Yeah you're right. Sorry, I jumped the gun. My fault.
Mrs Douglas: Dexter? Is that you? How bad a driver are you, hon?
Duncan: Dexter! Open the door, you little dip. I've gotta make tinky.
Freakazoid: Well, hi, Sport! You must be Duncan! Nice to meet you, let's wrassle.
Freakazoid: Say Uncle!
Freakazoid: Say Grandma Moses makes munchy meat most Monday mornings!
Duncan: Grandma Moses makes munch... much... I can't!
Jack Valenti: But if the movie's rated NC-17, that means kids can't get in; Only adults can get in. Mom doesn't want to see adult movies, but Grandpa was in the army and he's not bothered very much so he decides to stay along with Sgt. Scruffy, who's just a dumb dog anyway. I hope that explains it. Now, back to the cartoon!
Mr. Chubbikins: Meow.
Guitierrez: What does that mean? "Meow"? Bring the animal psychologist in! [enter the animal psychologist] Ask the kitty how to activate the flaw.
Animal Psychologist: Meow meow meow?
Mr. Chubbikins: Meow, meow.
Animal Psychologist: Meow?
Mr. Chubbikins: Meow meow.
Animal Psychologist: He says he's very sad.
Guitierrez: Oh, go away.
The Chip (Act IV)/Freakazoid is History [1.7]
Roddy MacStew: At least let the lad go!
Guitierrez: No, I cannot.
Roddy MacStew: Why?
Guitierrez: Because he tasks me! He tasks me! 'round the moons of Snivia, I chuckle at thee. Beyond the Corpian clouds I chuckle more at thee. Revenge is a dish best served with pinto beans and muffins! Kirk, old friend, I... Oh, sorry. [He fixes his tie.] Good-bye.
Freakazoid: Note to myself: Cut Dexter out of the main title. Buh bye!
Dexter: No! This can't be happening... I'M FREAKING OUT!
[changes into Freakazoid]
Freakazoid: [in Groucho Marx voice] I think he just said the secret word!
Roddy MacStew: [voice-over] When you want to change into the Freakazoid, just say "Freak Out." When you want to change back into Dexter, say "Freak In." You're a good lad. I'll be seeing you around.
Freakazoid: [crying] That made water come out my eyes.
Freakazoid: ...And then I got sucked into the Internet, and well, here I am.
Cosgrove: Y'know what you should do with your powers?
Cosgrove: I'd become a superhero, but that's me.
Cosgrove: You could fight crime.
Cosgrove: Uphold the truths.
Cosgrove: Impress the ladies.
Freakazoid: OKAY!! I'll do it!
Freakazoid: Hey, what is this place? (looks through binoculars) Palm Trees. Hula girls! Pineapples. Hula girls! Surfboards. Hula girls!Hula girls!Hula girls! Of course, it all adds up! I've somehow landed in Norway!
Freakazoid: Have I got time for another gawking-at-the-girls-through-binoculars gag? I like those! (looks through binoculars)Hula girls!
Freakazoid: To Destiny! Hello Destiny! I was seeing your friend Duty! He says very bad things about you!
Voice Over: One day, while saving Air Force One, teen super hero Freakazoid was unexpectedly swept into both a time warp vortex and a T.V. show parody. From that point on and until the segment ends, Freakazoid is lost in time. He is... Quantum Freak!
Steven Spielberg: Fade to black. The End. What was that other plan, exactly?
Paul Rugg: Well, we'd end the show early to show some more Animaniacs reruns.
Steven Spielberg: Oh! I like that. Let's do it. (cuts to the final verses of the Animaniacs theme song)
Bo-Ron: Large Cakes!
Freakazoid: Diane Sawyer acts sincere, but she's really faking it.
Bo-Ron: Duuuuhhhh! Faking it.
Bo-Ron: DUUUHHHH! Piece of the gross. (then smiles with chewed up Oreo cookies in his teeth, while having milk & Oreo cookies on his plate)
Freakazoid: STAY OUT OF YOUR FATHER'S UNDERWEAR DRAWER! Trust me on this one.
Bo-Ron: Duh, underwear drawer, no no.
Freakazoid: So AT&T, MCI, & Sprint fought a pitched battle over who would provide service. (showing stock footage of armored tanks fighting in a warzone) Finally, Bo-Ron chose the winner (showing Bo-Ron with lipstick imprints on his face while Candice Bergen is attracted to Bo-Ron), and we phoned his home.
Bo-Ron: AAAHHHH! It's ringing. (They reached an answering machine in Bo-Ron's primitive language addressing "We're not here right now. Please leave your message after the beep")
Bo-Ron: I got the machine. It's ALWAYS on. Hello? You're there. I know you're there. PICK UP! COME ON!!! PICK UP!!!
Dexter Douglas: O-O-O-O-O-O-OH, FREAK OUT!(melts into the ground and resolidifies as Freakazoid)
Freakazoid: Is it just me or am I showing up later and later in each episode? (then talking like Jerry Lewis) OH, LOOK AT ALL THE NERD PEOPLE MAKING THE FUNNY JERKY-SHAKY MOTIONS WITH THEIR SILLY HEADS!!!
Cosgrove: Y'know, I like jousting so much I wish I could marry it.
Freakazoid: (finds a small bowl hidden behind a torch) A bowl! I found a bowl! GOOD FOR ME!
Freakazoid: (grumbling about Guitierrez) He's such a weenie.
Guitierrez: (shouting dramatically) I am not a weenie! YOU ARE THE WEENIE!
Roddy MacStew: Ever since Guitierrez entered the net, he's been busy setting up some kind of deranged trap for you. When I tried to see what it was, he found me and kicked me out. He's amazingly powerful!
Freakazoid: If it's a trap, why do you want me to go in?
Roddy MacStew: You don't have a choice, lad. The reason you're so weak is that Guitierrez sabotaged the energy field that powers ya here on the outside. If you didn't go in, in an hour or so, you'd be no better than a dried-up piece of fleshy haggis. Oh, he's figured it all out! He's baiting ya, lad. He's made sure you'd have no choice but to go in after him. He means to destroy ya.
Freakazoid: Boy, you've got alot of lines in this show.
Roddy MacStew: AYE! THAT'S WHAT I TOLD THEM! BUT, NO! ALL THE CRUDDY EXPOSITION GOES TO ME! I HAVE TO TALK AND TALK AND FIDDLE WITH THE COMPUTER AND TALK SOME MORE AND FIDDLE AWAY, I FEEL LIKE OBI-WAN CRUDDY KENOBI!!!
Freakazoid: Roddy, settle.
Roddy Macstew: Alright, we're ready.
Freakazoid: Aren't you coming?
Roddy Macstew: Nay, Guitierrez has locked me out. He want's you... alone. THERE! THAT'S THE LAST OF THE CRUDDY EXPOSITION!!! THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
The Lobe: (laughs) The whole key to this show is Newman.
The Lobe: Now, with just a flick of the switch, my video-zapper will steal every movie, every program, every broadcast ever produced! Not only will I be able to flood the market with counterfeit cassettes - thus crippling the entertainment industry - but I'll never have to program my VCR again!
(Freakazoid breaks into a room to stop the Lobe - destroying a wall full of TV monitors in the process)
Freakazoid: Hello? Lobe? Is this the right room?
The Lobe: Freakazoid! Look what you've done!
Freakazoid: Sorry. I'm in a hurry.
The Lobe: There's a door not ten feet away. A fine invention. You should try it.
Duncan: Aawww! What's the matter? Am I ruining your date?
Mr. Douglas: Duncan! Mind your apples, huh!
Freakazoid: FREAK IN! (while shifting back into Dexter, he still is Freakazoid) Uh-oh. (he then comes out of the stall as Oprah Winfrey)I think we have a problem here. ZOIDS! I LOOK LIKE OPRAH WINFREY! OH, FREAK OUT! Okay, let's not PANIC! Let me try it again. FREAK IN! (turns to Dexter) Yes! (shifting in as David Letterman) David Letterman?! Oh, FREAK OUT!
Announcer: [if the show hypothetically ended short] Since this week's episode ended early, I'll recite some of my favorite naughty limericks. I'm sure you'll find them pleasing and saucy. There once was a woman from Bristow...
Cosgrove: I want a can of hash and some coffee.
Roddy MacStew: Ay, that's the master chip. If I can disconnect it, the system will be as helpless as a man with big apples for feet!
Cosgrove: One thing still bothers me. How come Vucanova has got such a rotten government?
Freakazoid: Because individual liberty is the key to good government. A good example might be your local Anubis Market.
Steff: Where customers are free to experience quality and service.
Roddy MacStew: Aye, Steff. And to choose low prices without fear or coercion.
Prof. Jones: I rest easier knowing that Anubis Markets are a division of Osiris Foods.
Everyone: Food so good, you can eat it!
Freakazoid: What can I say? It kept me on the air for another season.
Guitierrez: Oh, that stupid man at the store! Well then, how about this! [pulls out a yellow pad of paper, and holds it in front of Freakazoid's face] Does the yellow hurt your eyes, my friend? Getting weak, oh so very weak?
Freakazoid: I saw this once on an after school special. Mary & Sally, best friends. They did absolutely everything together. Then one day, Mary fell in with the "wrong crowd" and Mary didn't have time for Sally anymore. Sally would say, "Wanna go play a game or pretend we're kitties?" And Mary would say, "Uh-uh, I'm in with the wrong crowd!" Sally was so sad, that she ran home, climbed up a tree and started eating cookies. A ton of cookies. She got huge. Huge! HUGE! HUGE! Got any cookies, Mike?
Leonard Maltin: Hi, I'm Leonard Maltin. Y'know, many consider "The Island of Dr. Mystico" one of the most pointless Freakazoid! adventures ever made. Interestingly, critics first loved the episodes, but that changed when they found out it wasn't European. However, today's episode does contain some interesting performances. See if you can spot Emmit Nervend in a walk-on role as a salty dance hall shaunteuse. Also-- [an oranguman barges onto the set and abducts him] No! For the love of humanity! Aaaahhhh!
Freakazoid: Wheeee-hee-hee-heee! I'm flying a plane! I'm flying a plane! Boy, being a pilot's really neato!
Cosgrove: You're doing real good, ki-- plane.
[Freakazoid and Cosgrove swerve to avoid oncoming plane.]
[Freakazoid and Cosgrove swerve to avoid oncoming blimp.]
Cave Guy: I think it was a big mistake to run in [this sci-fi convention]; this is frightening behavior in adults. I hope none of them touches me.
[Cave Guy bumps into someone cosplaying a Klingon (actually Freakazoid in disguise)]
Cosplayer: [Says something in Klingon]
Cave Guy: Go away!
[Cosplayer looks confused, then understands and hands Cave Guy a 'Klingon to English' dictionary]
Cave Guy: Oh dear, a Klingon-to-English dictionary. You, made up a little language based off a TV show. That's not right!
Cos-player: [Says another phrase in Klingon while buddying up with Cave Guy]
[Cave Guy runs out of the convention screaming and leaps into a manned police car]
Cave Guy: Take me to jail, please! A Klingon is after me.
Announcer: Of course, this whole fight is just busy filler because our main episode came up short on footage. Great planning around here, huh?
Freakazoid: Joe, what are you doing?!
Announcer: I'm tired of trying to cover for other people's mistakes!
Freakazoid: You've been getting a real attitude lately.
Announcer: Big deal!
Freakazoid: You could be replaced by an intern, or maybe the announcer from Earthworm Jim!
Freakazoid: Yeah. Now stop buttin' in and stick to the copy!
[Freakazoid spends several off-camera minutes throwing himself at the invisible villain Invisibo, leaving him exhausted.]
Freakazoid: Y-you give up yet? Say, "Uncle Jimbo's flying poodles" and I'll go easy on ya.
Invisibo: Uncle Jimbo- wait, I'm winning.
[Invisibo hurls Freakazoid through a wall.]
Invisibo: Farewell, you clownish being. When I again rule all, perhaps I'll keep you about as a jester, or a chimp, or something.
[A large e-mail window appears]
E-mail client: You've got some nice e-mail!
Freakazoid: Mail, for me? [Presses button, then reading]To Freakazoid, from Mandy Triceratops of Columbia University. My question concerns Pearl Jam. When will they appear on your show? Sincerely, Mandy. P.S. I am majoring in all the knowledge ever acquired throughout history.[Hauls window off-camera]
Cosgrove: Those Columbia kids are pretty smart.
Freakazoid: Huh, they sure are! Mandy, not to rain on your girlish hopes but Pearl Jam will never appear on this program because they would want money.