Animaniacs

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Animaniacs, animated series, follow-up to Tiny Toon Adventures, home to Yakko, Wakko, and Dot, the Warner siblings; Pinky and the Brain; Rita and Runt; The Good Feathers; Mindy and Buttons; Chicken Boo; Slappy and Skippy Squirrel; Katie Kaboom; Minerva the Mink; Mr Skullhead; The Mime; Dr. Otto Scratchansniff; Ralph the Guard; The CEO; (Hello) Nurse and many others.

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Yakko, Wakko, and Dot[edit]

[The Origin of the Warners]
Narrator: Newsreel of the Stars! Dateline: Hollywood, 1930, the Warner Bros. Studio, home of the biggest stars in Tinsel Town. Here at the studio's new animation department, the artists toil endlessly to come up with cartoon stars, ultimately creating three new characters-- the Warner Brothers and their sister, Dot.
Yakko, Wakko, Dot: Helllooooo, Nurse!
Narrator: Unfortunately, the Warner kids were totally out of control, and sent the animators running to the hills.
Yakko, Wakko, Dot: [waving] Bye! [bouncing down the stairs] Boingy, boingy, boingy, boingy!
Narrator: The trio ran amok throughout the studio until they were captured. The Warners' films, which made absolutely no sense, were locked away in the studio vault, never to be released. As for the Warners themselves, who made even less sense, they were locked away in the studio water tower, also never to be released. Publicly, the studio has disavowed any knowledge of the Warners' existence, to this very day-- when the Warners escaped!
[A typical "Wheel of Morality" skit. The Warners are running through a park, but stop.]
Yakko: It's that time again.
Wakko: To remember the Alamo?
Dot: To do another one of our cute little skits?
Yakko: No. It's time to learn the day's lesson. And to find out what it is, we turn to...the Wheel of Morality! [spins it] Wheel of Morality, turn, turn, turn. Tell us the lesson that we should learn. [it stops] Moral number three. And the moral of today's story is... [reads from printout] ..."Elvis lives on in our hearts, in his music, and in a trailer park outside Milwaukee."
Dot: I'm speechless.
Wakko: [taps his chest] Sorta gets you right here, doesn't it? [belches] Pardon. [whistle blows]
Yakko, Wakko, Dot: YIPE!
[they run off, staying just ahead of Ralph the Guard]
Pablo Picasso: Oui oui!
Yakko: Pardon?
Picasso: Oui oui!
Yakko: Boy. The stuff they're getting away with on kid shows these days.
Ms. Flamiel: Yakko, can you conjugate?
Yakko: Who, me? I never even kissed a girl.
Ms. Flamiel: No no no! It's easy. I'll conjugate with you.
Yakko: Goodnight, everybody!
Count Dracula: I am Count Dracula!
Yakko: Didn't you used to teach math on Sesame Street?
Einstein: I'm trying to unravel the mysteries of the universe!
Yakko: Shouldn't you be focusing on skin disorders?
Einstein: I am not a dermatologist!
Dot: Or are you the kind of guy who never calls a girl? You cad! I'm leaving you! I'm going home to mother! Nyeeeh! And I'm keeping the ring!!
Dr. Scratchansniff: Do you know who I am?
Yakko: Dr. Otto Scratchansniff, world famous psychoanalyst to the stars?
Dr. Scratchansniff: Correct.
Yakko: I won! I won! What did I win?
Dr. Scratchansniff: Nothing.
Yakko: Say, what kind of game show is this?
Dr. Scratchansniff: This isn't a game show!
Yakko: Well I'll say it isn't. Nobody wins anything. You'll be lucky to be on the air for one week.
Ernest Hemingway: [in a woman's voice] Who is it?
Dot: Pushpen Office Supply delivery for... Mr. Ernest Hemingway.
Hemingway: Mr. Hemingway isn't here right now. This is, uh, Alice B. Toklas.
Warners: No you're not.
Hemingway: Yes I am.
Warners: [now inside the house] No you're not.
Hemingway: [normal voice] Aah!
Yakko: You can't fool us. Alice B. Toklas doesn't live here anymore!
Yakko: Citizens of Anvilania, I stand before you, because if I was behind you, you couldn't see me.
[Wakko performs a rimshot.]
Umlatt: No, no! This is the uniform of a great man!
Yakko: Does he know you're wearing it?
Umlatt: I am Umlatt of Donlikus, and I am here to demand you surrender Anvilania to me! I give you 24 hours to vacate!
Yakko: Vacation already? This is only my first day on the job!
Umlatt: I demand your surrender!
Yakko: I will not surrender! You surrender!
Umlatt: Me, surrender?
Yakko: Okay, I accept. Hand over the keys to your castle.
Umlatt: Don't be ridiculous! I'll go to war before I surrender!
Yakko: Well go ahead, and don't you come back until you've learned some manners, young man!
Umlatt: Very well, you silly child! [throwing his hands into the air] This means war!
Yakko: I thought that meant touchdown?
Arch Bishop: King Yakko, your throne.
Wakko: The throne? How do you lift the lid?
Dot: Since when do you lift the lid?
Ms. Flamiel: We'll move on to science. Dot, what can you tell me about the great scientists of the eighteenth century?
Dot: They're all dead.
Ms. Flamiel: No, no, no!
Dot: All right. They're all living.
Ms. Flamiel: No, no, no!
Yakko: Well, now we're getting into philosophy.
Ms. Flamiel: Stop that! STOP THAT! SIT AT YOUR DESKS THIS INSTANT! [The Warners jump into their seats & sit quietly. Ms. Flamiel pulls a red marker pen out of her cleavage]
Yakko: Ooh, what else ya got in there?
Ms. Flamiel: Why, you little...! F!!! [Writes an F on Yakko's forehead]
Dot: Hey, you can't do that to him. [Ms. Flamiel writes an F on her forehead]
Ms. Flamiel: F!!! [Dot cries her eyes out. Wakko buries his head in his arms, laughing. Ms. Flamiel glares at him, then writes an F on his hat with a black marker] F!!! [Wakko stops laughing then stares at the F. Then, he gets very angry & starts to shake his head]
Yakko: Uh, oh. Now you've gone and hurt his feelings.
Dot: I'd apologize if I were you.
Ms. Flamiel: I will NOT! You're horrid, naughty children! [Growling, Wakko grabs his desk and shakes, steam shooting out of his nose. Ms. Flamiel starts to look worried. Finally, the top of Wakko's hat blows up like a volcano. Ms. Flamiel covers her eyes as Wakko's head explodes offscreen]
Dot: Do you think this plan will work?
Yakko: It better - we don't have any more commercial breaks.
Narrator: And now, the stars of our show, the Warners!
Yakko: I'm Yakko!
Wakko: I'm Wakko!
Dot: And I'm "Pincess"...DAAAAAAAAGH!!!
Yakko & Wakko: Helloooo, Pincess! [laughing]
Wakko: [laughing] Pincess!
Yakko: [laughing] Pincess, I love it!
Dot: Yeah, you try saying it sometime!
Yakko: "Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca Banana Fana Bobesca the Third". [wags eyebrows]
Dot: Oh, thank you, Mr. United-States-Canada-Mexico-Panama. Big whoop. [to the camera] LET'S DO IT!
Yakko: I gotta tell you, that is the worst Peter Lorre impression I have ever heard.
Yakko: There they are, sibs — the Florida Keys... right between the Florida Pocket Lint and the Florida Spare Change.
Yakko: So, sister--who's really not my sister but I'm just calling sister--you were about to describe a caper.
Hello Nurse: Well, it's a little green pickle thing sometimes found in salads.
Yakko: That's absolutely correct! Tell her what she's won!
Wakko: A date with me!
Yakko: We were taken in the show when somebody tried to slip a mickey in my drink. Nice try, bub, but I work for Warner's!
Dr. Scratchansniff: Ah... I know vhat you kids vant, ja! You want to talk to Mr. Puppethead! [pulls out a hand puppet resembling him] Hello kids, I'm Mr. Puppethead! Tell me why you always make the jokes.
Warners: [look at the puppet awkwardly]
Dr. Scratchansniff: Why aren't you talking with Mr. Puppethead? No no, it iz very easy; watch me, watch me. [clears throat] Hello, Mr. Puppethead, how are you? I am fine, Dr. Scratchansniff. How are you? I am fine, Mr. Puppethead. Did you have a yummy breakfast? Oh yes, yes! Very yummy, thank you. How was your breakfast? My breakfast was yummy as vell. [to the Warner siblings] Now you see? Isn't that easy?
Yakko: Uhmm... are you sure you don't want to see a p-sychiatrist?
Dr. Scratchansniff: I am a p-sychi-- I mean psychiatrist! [tearing at his hair with the puppet] I AM! I AM! I AM! I AM!
Yakko: Mr. Puppethead's hungry.
Dr. Scratchansniff: Dot... may I call you "Dot"?
Dot: Yeah. But call me "Dottie" and ya die.
Dr. Scratchansniff: "Dot" is it. I'm going to show you some pictures and I want you to tell me what they look like. [shows Dot an inkblot] What do you say to this?
Dot: I'd say you're not a very good artist.
Dr. Scratchansniff: I didn't draw that.
Dot: Well, whoever did needs to go back to school.
Dr. Scratchansniff: No, it's an inkblot.
Dot: I'll say.
Dr. Scratchansniff: No, no, no. It's not supposed to look like anything!
Dot: Then you did a very good job.
Dr. Scratchansniff: I DIDN'T DRAW IT! Doesn't it looks like a little kitty cat or a butterfly or something?
Dot: No. [takes off the inkblot and changes it into a butterfly] That's a butterfly.
Dr. Scratchansniff: Now then, Wakko, let's you and I talk, hmm?
Wakko: Okay.
Dr. Scratchansniff: Good. What's on your mind?
Wakko: My hat.
Dr. Scratchansniff: No, no, no. Your hat is on your head. What is on your mind?
Wakko: My... skin?
Dr. Scratchansniff: No, that's on your head. What's on your mind?
Wakko: Oh, I got it! My hair!
Dr. Scratchansniff: Your hair is on your head! [tears off some of his hair] THIS IS HAIR! THIS IS HAIR! IT IS NOT ON MY MIND! IT IS ON MY HEAD!
Wakko: No, it's in your hand.
Dr. Scratchansniff: [shakes in anger before exhaling] Let's try something different, okay?
Wakko: Okay.
Dr. Scratchansniff: What don't you tell me what you're feeling?
Wakko: My shirt.
Dr. Scratchansniff: No, that's what you're touching. What are you feeling?
Wakko: My nose?
Dr. Scratchansniff: THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE TOUCHING! WHAT ARE YOU FEELING?! [calms down] Just. Tell me. How. You. Feel.
Wakko: I feel fine.
Dr. Scratchansniff: Good! Now we're getting somewhere. Would you care to expand on that?
Wakko: Okay. [Wakko breaths in and his whole body expands like a balloon]
Dr. Scratchansniff: What? No, no! Not that type of expanding! STOP IT!
[Wakko pricks himself with a sewing pin and flies around the room like a deflating balloon before falling into Scratchansniff's lap]
Wakko: 'Scuse me. [kisses Scratchansniff full on the mouth and runs away]
Dr. Scratchansniff: [growls and tears out more of his hair]
Dr. Scratchansniff: Now then, Yakko, let us do a little word association, hmm? I'll say a word, and you say any word that you think of; any word that comes to mind.
Yakko: Brain.
Dr. Scratchansniff: No, no. We haven't started.
Yakko: Begun.
Dr. Scratchansniff: No, wait.
Yakko: Yield.
Dr. Scratchansniff: No, stop!
Yakko: Cease.
Dr. Scratchansniff: SILENCE!
Yakko: Quiet.
Dr. Scratchansniff: ENOUGH!!
Yakko: Plenty.
Dr. Scratchansniff: Would - You - Please - Listen?
Yakko: Hear.
Dr. Scratchansniff: NO, YOU STUPID KID! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!
Yakko: Comprehend.
Dr. Scratchansniff: [screams in frustration and carries Yakko to the door] Get out, get out, get OUT!
Yakko: Leave, leave, leave.
Dr. Scratchansniff: [kicks him out and slams the door, huffing and puffing] THOSE KIDS IS DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!
Yakko: [pops his head through the door] Insane. Unhinged. Demented.
Dr. Scratchansniff: [angrily shakes his fist at Yakko, tears out his remaining hair and collapses on the floor, sobbing]
[After Yakko and Wakko tell him that if a delivers the Gettysburg Address, his head will be on the penny, and there'll be Lincoln's Birthday sales, etc.]
Abraham Lincoln: Just as long as they don't name a savings and loan after me!
Satan: Little fools! I am Beelzebub! Lucifer! The Reaper of Souls! The Really Angry One! I AM SATAN! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Dot: So that's nothing! I'm: [rasping, sinister voice] Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca Banana Fanna Bobesca the Third! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! [normal voice] Just a little thing I do.
Satan: You blundering dolts! Don't you realize you've entered the fiery realm of Hades?!
Wakko: Hades? [Dashes back up to the surface, brings back a snowball, sets it down, and watches as it quicky melts] Boy, they were right! It didn't have a chance!
Satan: SILENCE! And now, prepare to suffer indescribable torment!
Yakko: Another Bob Hope special?
Satan: Worse!
Satan: Cerberus my pet, toss these fools into the Lake of Fire. But slowly. I want to watch them wiggle in agony.
Yakko: How about if we just wiggle here?
Warners: Wigglewigglewigglewigglewigglewigglewigglewigglewigglewigglewigglewigglewigglewigglewigglewiggle!
Yakko: Hey, does George Hamilton know your tan's better than his?
Satan: SILENCE! I don't want to hear another peep from you!
Warners: Peep-peep-peep-peep-peep-peep-peep-peep--!
Satan: STOP PEEPING!
Warners: [pause] Peep-peep-peep-peep-peep-peep-peep-peep-peep-peep-peep!!!
Flavio: Are you an inspector of the Yard?
Yakko: Not if you have a dog.
[Pizzas have been delivered by Chicken Boo]
Wakko: He was odd.
Dot: He was strange.
Bellboy: He was a chicken, I tell you! A giant chicken!
Dr. Scratchansniff: What are you drawing?
Wakko: It's a cow eating grass. [holds up a blank paper]
Dr. Scratchansniff: But where's the grass?
Wakko: The cow ate it.
Dr. Scratchansniff: But where is the cow?
Wakko: Well, he's not going to stick around if there isn't any more grass to eat.
Thaddeus Plotz: A clown is my friend.
Dr. Scratchansniff: A clown vill not bite me und throw me in the basement.
Plotz: A clown will not bite me and throw me in the basement.
Dr. Scratchansniff: A clown is not a big shpider.
Plotz: A clown is not a big spider.
Mr. Director: [gestures from one end of a table to another where the Warners appear then reappear] Hoyl! How'd you-? With the going- You were there, but here now! You are- for me to see! How'd you do?!
Yakko: [To Wakko] You understand any of that?
Wakko: I think he said: [repeats Mr. Director's lines]
Yakko: Thanks for clearing that up.
Yakko: Tell us, how can we help you?
Wakko: Yes, please tell us, please!
Dot: So that we can go home sometime in the near future?
Hello Nurse: Well, it's about my boss. You see, he's missing!
Yakko: He's missing what? Eyes? Hair? A personality?
Hello Nurse: Nononono. He's gone. My boss has vanished!
Yakko: [Jumps on the desk next to her] Would you do that "no, no, no" thing again?
Hello Nurse: Nononono.
Yakko: I love that! [goes back to his seat]
Hello Nurse: My boss has vanished!
Yakko: So I guess that means you're available for temp work?
Dot: This could conceivably go on forever.
Yakko: Now tell us, where did you last see your boss?
Hello Nurse: In the Mambo Room at the Tropicombo Club! A band was playing Latin dance music. I was with the doctor. He mumbled something. The band had a big, dumb guy playing the drums, and everyone was dancing under a pole. Then, the doctor vanished!
Yakko: Now let me get this straight: He muttered some Mumbo-Jumbo during the combo Samba in the Mambo at the Tropicombo, then there was a Jumbo Dumbo playing the Limbo on the Bongos and then he was gone?
Hello Nurse: That is absolutely correct!
[A You Bet Your Life-style fanfare plays]
Yakko: Tell her what she's won!
Wakko: Another date with me!
Hello Nurse: How come I always get the booby prize?
Dot: I'm not touching that one!
Yakko: [referring to a statue of Squit] Hey, it's that bird from the photo!
Minerva Mink: I'll take that!
Yakko and Wakko: Hellloooo, gorgeous mystery lady!
Minerva Mink: Never mind that. Just give me the bird!
Dot: We can't; this is a family show.
Minerva Mink: [takes the statue] Stay back, I'm packing a heater. [opens suitcase and reveals a heater]
Dot: You can't argue with that. It's too stupid.
Hello Nurse: I claim this statue in the name of Gulf and Western!
Minerva Mink: [Steals the statue from her] I claim it in the name of Rupert Murdoch!
Ralph: [Grabs Minerva by the tail, still reading his script] Duh, by gad, sir! I claim it in the name of Matsushimi- err, Matsushudi- duuh... uh, for Seagrams!
Yakko: Ah, I've got it! The Mink is working for Fox, the Pair 'o legs is working for Paramount, and the guy who needs rehearsal is working for Universal!
Dot: Thank you, Dr. Seuss.
Dot: [referring to David Geffen, Jeffrey Katzenberg, and Steven Spielberg] Who are those guys?
Yakko: The stuff that DreamWorks are made of!
Wakko: Look! It's a big, fat fanny!
Yakko: And the moral of today's story is: brush your teeth after every meal. This moral brought to you by the American Dental Association.
Dot: That makes me feel all kind of warm and squishy. Either that or I need to wear diapers.
Dot: Do you think Scratchy'd like some cologne?
Fifi Le Fume: We have Obsession, Repression, and Ecstasy!
Dot: Do you have anything for beginners?
Yakko: [After a mean TV anchorman locks the Warners in a control booth] If he locked us in the control booth, he must want us to take control!
Wakko: [After a mean TV anchorman locks the Warners in a control booth] Ground control to Major Tom. Commencing countdown. Engines on!
Yakko: Wherever there is belching-
Wakko/Dot: We'll be there!
Yakko: Wherever there is stupidity-
Wakko/Dot: We'll be there!
Yakko: Wherever there is candy-
Wakko: We'll be there a lot quicker!
Dot: I found Prince! [She is carrying Prince, the pop music artist]
Yakko: No, no, no. Fingerprints!
Dot: [Considers for a moment] I don't think so. [She throws Prince out of the window]
Wakko: Hey, you wanna hear a joke?
Dr. Scratchansniff: No! I don't like ze jokes, Wakko!
Wakko: Not even a knock-knock joke?
Dr. Scratchansniff: NO!
[Wakko and Dr. Scratchansniff sit quietly for a moment.]
Wakko: It's really funny.
Dr. Scratchansniff: Oh, alright, fine. One joke.
Wakko: Knock-knock!
Dr. Scratchansniff: Who's there?
Wakko: Max!
Dr. Scratchansniff: ...Max, who?
Wakko: Max wants to come in and go crazy!
Dr. Scratchansniff: [looks at the audience, confused, then back at Wakko] Well... Okay, now that's not really a joke, is it? You see, because it makes no sense.
Wakko: It does if you know Max.
Dr. Scratchansniff: But I don't KNOW Max!!
Wakko: If you did, you'd be laughin`!
Dr. Scratchansniff: Yakko, it's time to take the inkblot-test. Now, tell me... [shows an inkblot] ...what does this remind you of?
Yakko: Girls.
Dr. Scratchansniff: [shows another inkblot] What does this remind you of?
Yakko: Girls.
Dr. Scratchansniff: [annoyed, shows him one more inkblot] What does this remind you of?
Yakko: [analyzes the inkblot] Uhhhhhhhhhhhh, girls.
Dr. Scratchansniff: Grrr! You are obsessed with GIRLS!
Yakko: Hey, you're the one showing me all the sexy pictures.
Yakko: Look, we'd love to stay here, counting our brain cells one by one as they die...
Dot: ...but we can't.
Survey Ladies: Would you like to take a survey?
Yakko: No. Would you like to take a hike?!

Dot's Poetry Corner[edit]

Dot: Old King Cole was a merry old soul and a merry old soul was he. He called for his pipe, and he called for his bowl, and he called information for numbers he could've easily looked up in the phone book! Thank you.
Dot: Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear. Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair. Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn't fuzzy... so he changed his name to Ed Asner. Thank you!
Dot: [reciting a poem] Roses are red, Violets are blue.
That's what they say, but it just isn't true.
Roses are red, and apples are too.
But violets are violet. Violets aren't blue.
An orange is orange, but Greenland's not green.
A pinky's not pink, so what does it mean?
To call something blue when it's not, we defile it.
But aww, what the heck? It's hard to rhyme "violet."
Dot: Thirty days has September, April, June, and November. All the rest have thirty-one, except for my Uncle Spit who was given thirty-to-life! Thank you.
Dot: I'm a little teapot, short and stout! This is my handle, (pulls out a note from behind her) and here is a note from my shrink! He says I'm getting better! LAST WEEK I THOUGHT I WAS A TOASTER OVEN! [Laughs insanely] Thank you.
Dot: Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall! Humpty Dumpty retained a lawyer and settled out of court for a lot of money and ownership of the wall! Thank you.

Pinky and the Brain[edit]

Main article: Pinky and the Brain

Slappy Squirrel[edit]

Slappy: Now that's comedy!
Skippy: But Aunt Slappy, those were cartoons, and this is real life!
Slappy: (to the audience) Don't tell him, he might crack.
Woman: Well! I never!
Slappy: Well, you should--it's fun!
Slappy: Tactless, yet rude.
Slappy: You remind me of a very young Betty Boop.
(Slappy throws away can into a random trash can)
Candie Chipmunk: Excuse me!
Slappy: You're excused.
Slappy: If I were a better person, I'd ignore her and go on with my life. But I'm not.
Slappy: Skippy, in most cases, revenge is not the right thing. In other cases, it's the only thing.
Slappy: What about the plot, Hemingway? What's an anvil got to do with this story?
Skippy: Who cares? Anvils are funny!
Slappy: I'm gonna make you some brain food. That's right, I'm gonna make you my famous walnut fig dough surprise.
Skippy: What's the surprise?
Slappy: I'm outta walnuts.
Slappy: Look, Skippy. I've seen and done every trick in the book- [Skippy sees a large dog looming behind Slappy] Hold it there! You're doing the old "Frozen Take" bit, which means Doug the Dog... [Pulls a club out of her purse and clonks Doug without looking] ...was right behind me. Heh-heh-heh!
Slappy: What a schmutz.
Stinkbomb: It's our sworn duty to chase 'em, catch 'em, and shake 'em like rag dolls!
Bumpo: Why?
Stinkbomb: I dunno. It's what we do.
[Slappy's cartoons have just received terrible reviews from Lean Hisskill and Codger Eggbert]
Skippy: Those mean men! How could they say such horrible things?!
Slappy: Now Skippy, it's a free country. Everyone's entitled to his own opinion.
Skippy: But they're wrong! You're the funniest cartoon character ever!
Slappy: Calm down, Skippy.
Skippy: We can't let 'em get away with it, Aunt Slappy! [Runs to a closet and comes out with bandoleers of bullets and a pair of small missiles] Let's get em!
Slappy: Skippy, no! What are you thinkin'?
Skippy: [Looks sorry] Oh. You're right, Aunt Slappy... [Goes back into the closet, and pulls out an even bigger pair of missiles] We'll need the big bombs!
Slappy: That's better, kid! C'mon, let's blow 'em to Kingdom Come!
Skippy: This has been the worst day ever in the whole wide world.
Slappy: You mean Mel Brooks made a sequel to Robin Hood: Men in Tights?
Slappy: Gotta watch my figure. Hey, somebody's gotta watch it! [lifts up her fur to reveal shapely legs] Heh heh heh heh heh!
Slappy: Allen Funt is a dead man.
Slappy: Whatever happened to "Go get 'em, Aunt Slappy"?!
Skippy: That was before I knew you were a murderer.
Slappy: Suddenly my biggest fan is turnin' into Perry Mason here!
Skippy: Perry Mason? Join the 90s!
Slappy: You want modern reference? I'm old! [pause] Kids!
Wile E. Coyote chases the Road Runner down the road while attached to a machine with a propeller, but he crashes into a truck]
Road Runner: Beep, beep! [runs off]
Slappy: Enough with the fortuitous cameos!

Who's on Stage[edit]

[For reference, see: Who's On First?.]

[Slappy and Skippy {circa 1969} have woken up to find that Woodstock has sprung up around their tree. Slappy wants to put a stop to this and starts towards the stage with Skippy following. They are standing atop two huge speakers in the center of the crowd as The Who is playing on the stage]
Slappy: Skippy, what's the name of that group playing on stage?
Skippy: Who.
Slappy: The name of the group.
Skippy: Who.
Slappy: The group on stage.
Skippy: Who.
Slappy: The group playing on stage!
Skippy: Who!
Slappy: You're starting to sound like an owl, Skippy.
Skippy: Who is on stage!
Slappy: That's what I'm asking you. Who is on stage?
Skippy: That's what I said!
Slappy: You said who?
Skippy: I sure did!
Slappy: So tell me the name
Skippy: Who.
Slappy: The name of the group
Skippy: Who.
Slappy: The group on stage.
Skippy: Who!
Slappy: The name of the band on stage.
Skippy: Who!
Slappy: You're doing that owl thing again, Skippy!
Skippy: I'm not, Aunt Slappy! I'm telling you Who's on stage!
Slappy: So tell me.
Skippy: Who.
Slappy: The name of the group.
Skippy: Who.
Slappy: The group on stage.
Skippy: Who!
Slappy: That's what I'm asking you!
Skippy: And I'm telling you the answer!
[Slappy, annoyed, looks towards the fourth wall]
Slappy: Wait, Skippy, let's start over. Is there a band on stage?
Skippy: Yes.
Slappy: Does that band have a name?
Skippy: Yes.
Slappy: Do you know the name of the band?
Skippy: Yes!
Slappy: So tell me the name of the band on stage.
Skippy: Who.
Slappy: The name of the band.
Skippy: Who.
Slappy: The band on stage!
Skippy: Who!
Slappy: The band playing on stage!
Skippy: Who!
Slappy: That's what I wanna know!
Skippy: I'm telling you!
Slappy: Who is on stage?
Skippy: Yes.
Slappy: Who is?
Skippy: Yes.
Slappy: Oh, so the name of the band is Yes.
Skippy: No Aunt Slappy, Yes isn't even at this concert!
Slappy: Then who is on stage?
Skippy: Yes!
Slappy: Who is?
Skippy: Yes!
Slappy: That's what I just said, Yes is on stage.
Skippy: No, Yes is not here, Who is on stage!
Slappy: What are you asking me for?
Skippy: I'm not!
Slappy: Wait. Let's try this again! Do you see the band on stage?
Skippy: No I don't see The Band, that's a different group entirely!
Slappy: On stage, Skippy! Look, see the band?
Skippy: No I don't!
Slappy [pulling off Skippy's granny glasses from his face]: Get rid of those John Lennon glasses and look! There! There's the band!
Skippy: No, that's not The Band. The Band is performing later on! Who is on stage!
Slappy: You tell me.
Skippy: Who!
Slappy: The name of the group on stage!
Skippy: Who!
Slappy: The name of the group!
Skippy: Who!
Slappy: The group on stage!
Skippy: Who!
Slappy: THE BAND!
Skippy: No, The Band is performing later. Right now we're listening to Who!
Slappy: That's what I wanna know!
[The crowd around them start to cheer at them. Slappy winks at Skippy, and they both bow]

Frontier Slappy[edit]

Dover Boys:[singing] Daniel Boone was a great big guy. Yes, a really big guy. He knocks down trees and frightens off bees so they'll cry.
Boone: Kentucky at last! I'm gonna build me a little log cabin right here, then a log cabin for my oxen, then a summer cabin. The only thing I love more than building cabins is chopping down trees.
[Boone chops down a tree.]
Boone: Birch is good wood for clothespins.
[And another...]
Boone: This oak'll make a dandy shelf.
[And several more...]
Boone: Well I'll be kissed by a wolverine, a bessemer elm! That's the best wood around for makin' a front door.
Dover Boys:[singing] Daniel Boone saw a great big tree. An attractive tree. But he didn't know it was home to a squirrel named Slappy.
[Inside, Slappy and her nephew, Skippy, are making candles over a cauldron of hot wax.]
Skippy: How come we're making so many candles, Aunt Slappy?
Slappy: Skippy, it's the 1700s. What'd you expect? Rollerblading?
[Suddenly, the tree begins to shake.]
Skippy: What's that?
Slappy: Maybe my colon. I hope not. I'll go find out.
[Slappy goes outside to find Boone chopping down her tree.]
Slappy: Hey! You break this tree, you're gonna pay for it!
Boone: Looky here, you old squirrel. I'm Daniel Boone, the best frontiersman that ever lived!
Slappy: Well, I'm Slappy Squirrel and I'm so old, my blood is solid. What are you doing to my tree?
Boone: I'm fixin' to make it into the front door of my new cabin. Now git, or I'll make a cap out of ya!
Slappy: [slamming the door] I got yer cap right here.
Boone: No old squirrel's gonna stand between me and my cabin!
[As Boone keeps chopping, Slappy peeks out of an upper window, holding a cauldron of hot wax.]
Slappy: Excuse me, Boone? Is there any chance you might find another tree?
Boone: NO!
Slappy: I was hoping you'd say that. [Pours hot wax on top of Boone, freezing him mid-swing.] Maybe he can rent himself out as a menorah. [laughs]
[Boone ties a rope around Slappy's tree and then ties it to his oxen.]
Dover Boys: [singing] Daniel Boone had a great big plan. Yes, a very large plan. He'd fix that squirrel by yanking her treehouse from the land.
Boone: Pull, you lazy, good-for-nothing critters!
[Boone slaps his oxen on the back and they start pulling at the tree.]
Boone: Reckon this'll teach that old squirrel that I'm the king of the wilderness.
[Suddenly, the rope goes limp.]
Boone: Huh?
[Boone turns around and sees Slappy and the oxen holding picket signs.]
Slappy: What do you say? We won't dray! What we want is an eight-hour day!
Boone: What in blazes are you doin'?!
Slappy: Call me Norma Rae. I unionised your team.
Boone: Get back to work, you dumb slabs of hide!
[The oxen glare down at Boone, who smiles sheepishly, before pounding him into the ground with their picket signs.]
Ox: Management.
[Boone sneaks up to Slappy's tree under cover of a bush.]
Dover Boys: [singing] Daniel Boone had another big plan. Yes, a crafty plan-
Boone: SHH! [laughs] I'm gonna give that squirrel my famous panther call. She'll think a real panther is coming and run out of that tree like a fat badger. [laughs]
[Boone does a weak imitation of a panther roar. Inside, Slappy and Skippy are churning butter.]
Skippy: [sarcastically] Gee, Aunt Slappy, a panther.
Slappy: [sarcastically] You think so? Maybe we oughta run for our lives.
[Boone roars again. Slappy walks out the front door and churns the butter onto the ground near the bush.]
Slappy: I'm running away like a fat badger!
[Boone peeks out of the bush and comes face to face with a real panther who roars in his face. Boone tries to run away but slips on the butter. He cries out in pain as the panther starts mauling him.]
Slappy: The panther's in my bridge club.
Dover Boys: [singing] Daniel Boone was very, very sore. Yes, painfully sore. He picked a log and charged Slappy Squirrel's front door.
[Boone attempts to ram Slappy's door open, but she opens the door and trips him up, sending him into a spinning wheel which launches him and the log back out.]
Skippy: Who was that, Aunt Slappy?
Slappy: Maybe a flying Wallenda, I'm not sure. My eyes are bad.
Boone:[dazed after hitting a tree] Daniel Boone was a great big guy....
[Boone has come up with yet another idea to cut down Slappy's tree by crudely disguising himself as a woodpecker.]
Dover Boys: [singing] Daniel Boone was a big dang bird. Yes, a really big bird. But he didn't know that his disguise was pretty absurd.
Boone: Quiet, you dadgum idiots! This is a dang good disguise. [laughs] That old squirrel will think I'm just a big woodpecker. I'll chop down this tree right in front of her.
[While using his disguise to chop down the tree, Slappy is serving Skippy when she gets wind of Boone's newest attempt.]
Slappy: There's no rest for the elderly. [Opens door] Hey, are you Daniel Boone?
Boone: Shoot no! I'm a big woodpecker.
Slappy: Get out of here with that Woodpecker thing there. You're Boone.
Boone: No I ain't. My daddy was a big woodpecker and his daddy before him. Can't you see how I'm a-peckin' at your tree for bugs and such?
Slappy: I guess you really are a big woodpecker.
Boone: Dang straight!
Slappy: Then here, I made you some woodpecker lunch.
[Slappy offers Boone a plate full of live bugs, including a dungbeetle.]
Boone: [disgusted] That's... right neighbourly of you, ma'am.
[Forced to keep up his charade, Boone eats the bugs, his face turning green as his chews.]
Slappy: Yeah, there's nothing like dead bugs mixed with manure, dirt and rotten bark, eh, Woody?
[Boone finally retches, covers his mouth and runs off into the distance.]
Dover Boys: [singing] Daniel Boone was a great big guy. Yes, a big sick guy. He lost his lunch all over the trees and sky.
Slappy: That's nice singing. They remind me of Up with People.
[Boone is seen putting gunpowder underneath Slappy's home tree in an attempt to blow up both her and the tree.]
Dover Boys:[singing] Daniel Boone was a great big jerk. Yes, a stupid jerk. He had another dumb plan that more than likely wouldn't work.
Boone:[offended] That ties it! You boys are fired! COME ON DOWN FROM THERE AND GIT!
[The Dover Boys - Tom, Dick and Larry - reveal themselves to Boone]
Tom: Hey, what's the big idea? You can't just fire us!
Dick: Yeah, who do you think you are?
Larry: We got rights, you know.
Dick: Wait a second!
Larry: We got a contract!
Boone: I said GIT! I'm going to blow this tree and that squirrel sky high, and I don't need no dang smart-alec chorus.
[Boone pours a trail of gunpowder leading from the barrels to just outside the hole. Then he lights a match]
Boone: If I can't have that tree, then nobody's going to have it!
[Boone lights the match and hides in his wagon]
Boone: [laughs] Now there's gonna be a big hole in the ground. I could make it into a root cellar, or a... root cellar.
[The trail burns up and there's a large explosion... under the wagon.]
Slappy: Hey, Boone! I moved all your gunpowder! It was attracting ants!
[Boone screams as he's blown into space and comes crashing back down to Earth.]
Slappy: Yeesh. Bet that left a crater.
[At the end, Slappy and Skippy are drinking tea by the fireplace.]
Skippy: What do you want to do tonight, Aunt Slappy?
Slappy: How about a little music, Skippy? Hit it, boys.
Dover Boys:[Singing] Slappy Squirrel was a grand old dame. Yes, a old dame. She whipped Daniel Boone. Now she pays us to sing of her fame.
Slappy: What can I say? I love the lyrics.

Chicken Boo[edit]

[Lee, Eli and the bartender watch Chicken Boo walk in, in his hat and poncho. Only the bartender knows that he's obviously a chicken]
Eli: You know who that is? The Man with No Personality. Some say he robbed a bank and saved a puppy at the same time.
Lee: So is he for the law or agin it?
Eli: Nobody knows. Cause he ain't got no personality!
Woman: Some say that high plains drifter is a giant chicken.
[Startled, Eli spits out a mouthful of spaghetti.]

Wakko's Wish[edit]

[Yakko sits next to Dot on her bed, her snuggling close to him, as he tells her the story of her birth.]
Yakko: Okay. Once upon a time, a brave knight married a beautiful princess, and they had two sons.
Dot: But they wanted a daughter, too.
Yakko: Right. So, they planted a garden all over the kingdom, and on the first day of spring, every flower in that garden bloomed. And out of the prettiest flower came...
Dot: Me!
Yakko: Yep!
[Dot snuggles closer as Yakko hugs her and smiles. Wakko is standing in her bedroom's doorway looking at her in worry of her health, but they don't notice. Yakko continues with the story as Wakko closes the curtains and looks away sadly.]:
Yakko: And so, the knight and his bride, Mom and Dad, took you home. And every night at bed-time, they'd come in and say... [rubs noses with Dot] "Who's the cutest girl?" And you'd say...
Dot: I am!
Yakko: And they'd asked... [rubs noses] "How did you ever get so cute?" And you'd say...
Dot: I was born that way!
Yakko: And they'd say... [pokes her nose] "Tell us your name, young lady!" And you'd say...
Dot: Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca Banana Fana Bobesca the Third, but you can call me Dot!
Yakko: And they'd say, "Can we call you Dottie?" And you'd say...
Dot: No. Just Dot. Call me Dottie, and you die!
Yakko: And Mom and Dad would laugh, and laugh, and laugh, and they'd tickle you... [tickles her, making her giggle] ...and you'd laugh, too!
Dot: [laughs happily, but coughs for a moment, then continues laughing]
Yakko: [gets off her bed and covers her up as she lies down to sleep] And you'd fall asleep with a great, big smile in your heart.
Dot: [coughs, falling asleep] I like that story.
Yakko: [strokes her head gently and whispers] G`night, sis.

External links[edit]

Wikipedia
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