Animaniacs (season 1)

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Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 | Main

Animaniacs (1993–1998) is an American animated comedy musical television series created by Tom Ruegger. The series premiered on Fox Kids on September 13, 1993. It was moved to Kids' WB on September 9, 1995 and ended on November 14, 1998. RTÉ in Ireland and CNBA1 in Japan.


De-Zanitized!/The Monkey Song/Nighty-Night Toon [1.01][edit]

[first lines of the original series]
Narrator: Newsreel of the Stars! Dateline: Hollywood, 1930, the Warner Bros. Studio. Here at the studio's new animation department, the artists toil endlessly to come up with cartoon stars, ultimately creating three new characters-- the Warner Brothers and their sister, Dot.
The Warners: Helllooooo, Nurse!
Narrator: Unfortunately, the Warner kids were totally out of control.
The Warners: [bouncing down the stairs] Boingy, boingy, boingy, boingy!
Narrator: The trio ran amok throughout the studio. Until their capture. The Warners' films, which made absolutely no sense, were locked away in the studio vault, never to be released! As for the Warners themselves, they were locked away in the studio water tower, also never to be released! Publicly, the studio has disavowed any knowledge of the Warners' existence, to this very day-- when the Warners escaped!

[Cartoon opens up in Hollywood, present day (1993), outside The Psychiatry Building as "Nobody Knows the Trouble I've Seen" plays in the background. Scene changes to inside psychiatrist's office. Dr. Scratchansniff is on the Chaise lounge couch]
Dr. Scratchansniff: I suppose it would be vise to start at ze very beginning, ja?
Yakko: [offscreen, in a German accent] Proceed.
Dr. Scratchansniff: [sighs] I was one of the most successful psychoanalysts in all of Hollywood. 50 years ago, I started work at Varner Brothers. [narrating, as scene changes to Hollywood circa 1953] Ah, Varner Brothers, home to some of ze biggest stars in Hollywood.
[ Humphrey Bogart pulls up to Ralph T. Guard]
Ralph T. Guard: Ah, good morning Mr. biggest star in Hollywood.
Humphrey Bogart: Morning, sweetheart.
[He drives into The Warner Bros. Studio. Porky Pig pulls up to Ralph T. Guard]
Ralph T. Guard: Uh-ah, morning, Porky.
Porky Pig: G-g-g-uh-g-g-g-uh-g-uh-g-g-uh-g-g-uh-m-m-mo-uh-m-uh-m-uh-m-uh-muh-muh- [Impatient driver honks at him offscreen] All right! All right!! [to Ralph T. Guard] Hello.
[He drives into The Warner Bros. Studio]
Dr. Scratchansniff: [narrating] Und when the stars had a problem, they came to me. [to Ronald Reagan ] So, tell me more about these dreams you've been having, Mr. Reagan.
Ronald Reagan: Well, in my dreams, I'm President of the United States.
[Dr. Scratchansniff writes "Delusions of grandeur, Incurable"]
Dr. Scratchansniff: [narrating, as scene changes to a wall of photos of Dr. Scratchansniff with various famous Hollywood celebrities, from black and white to color] For years, the biggest actors told me their problems, their secrets, their pain! Ooh, it was so much fun! Und then, just recently, I had just completed a delightfully intense session with Clint Eastwood. happened.
Crowd: [screams offscreen] What is that? What's going on up there?
Dr. Scratchansniff: [narrating] It was them...The Varner Brothers! After years of being locked away in the water tower... they managed to escape!
[The Warner Siblings jump down from the water tower. The crowd panics and scatters as The Warner Siblings run to The Psychiatry Building, running up the front in a circle to Dr. Scratchansniff's window]
Dot: Did you miss us?
Dr. Scratchansniff: I hardly even know you.
Yakko: [in unison with Wakko] We're the Warner Brothers!
Dot: And the Warner sister! [in unison with Yakko and Wakko as they kiss Dr. Scratchansniff] Mmmm!
Dr. Scratchansniff: Eh! Pleh! Pleh! Pleh! Pleh! Bleh! [He turns to walk away from the window, only to get startled by The Warner Siblings in his office] AAH! Vhat do you vant?
Yakko: We asked you first.
Dr. Scratchansniff: Well, I vant--No, you didn't.
Dot: Well, we meant to.
Dr. Scratchansniff: Do you know who I am?
Yakko: Dr. Otto Scratchansniff, world famous psychoanalyst to the stars?
Dr. Scratchansniff: Correct.
Yakko: I won! I won! What did I win?
Dr. Scratchansniff: Nothing.
Yakko: Say, what kind of game show is this?
Dr. Scratchansniff: This isn't a game show!
Yakko: Well I'll say it isn't. Nobody wins anything. You'll be lucky to be on the air for one week.
Dr. Scratchansniff: NURSE! NURSE!
[Hello Nurse comes in]
Hello Nurse: Yes, Dr. Scratchansniff?
Dr. Scratchansniff: [offscreen as Yakko and Wakko's hearts bulge out, pumping, while their eyes turn into black hearts] GET THESE KIDS OUT OF HERE!
Yakko: [in unison with Wakko as they turn into wolves] Helloooo Nurse!
[A red heart space forms around Hello Nurse's head. Yakko thinks of horse back riding with Hello Nurse]
Yakko: Hah...
[Wakko thinks of driving a convertible with Hello Nurse]
Wakko: Huuh...
[Dot thinks of boating with Dr. Scratchansniff]
Dot: Diiiisgusting!
Hello Nurse: Why don't you cute little kids follow me?
[Hello Nurse leads The Warner Siblings out of Dr. Scratchansniff's office. Yakko and Wakko follow her, floating in the air, in love with her. Dot follows them, walking, awkward]

Dr. Scratchansniff: [narrating] After the Varner Brothers escaped, I was called to see the chairman of the board of the Varner Brothers studio.
[Dr. Scratchansniff enters the office. He sits at one end of the long table while Thaddeus Plotz sits at the other end. Thaddeus Plotz pushes a button, closing the curtains]
Thaddeus Plotz: THE WARNER BROTHERS ARE WREAKING HAVOC THROUGHOUT THE STUDIO, SCRATCHANSNIFF! AND I WON'T HAVE IT! [walking on the table up to a nervous Dr. Scratchansniff] In order for a studio to run efficiently, there must be order, calmness, control. The Warner Brothers have taken the calmness and replaced it with chaos. They're too zany, Scratchansniff! I haven't been this upset since we made Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead. And I have chosen you to get the Warner Brothers under control.
Dr. Scratchansniff: Vhy me?
Thaddeus Plotz: Because you're a psychiatrist, dummy.
Dr. Scratchansniff: Oh...

Dr. Scratchansniff: Und zo, I scheduled an appointment with The Varner Brothers. I'll never forget our first session...
[Hello Nurse leads The Warner Siblings to Dr. Scratchansniff's office while Wakko drums to her footsteps]
Hello Nurse: The Warner Brothers are here for their 3:00 appointment. You be good little boys.
Yakko: [in unison with Wakko ] Mmm.
Dot: Boys.
Yakko: How you doing, Scratchy?
Dr. Scratchansniff: I take umbrage at that.
Yakko: Oh, sure. Take all the umbrage. Don't leave any for us.
Dr. Scratchansniff: No, I mean I take offence.
Yakko: And you want our fence too? [pulling a wooden plank fence out of nowhere] All right, take it, but that's all. We're tapped out. [He gives Dr. Scratchansniff the wooden plank fence. Dr. Dr. Scratchansniff throws the wooden plank fence away]
Dr. Scratchansniff: I think it's time we got down to business, ja?
Yakko: [rapping] Now-our first quarter figures are really low as this-a business-a graph will hopefully show.
Dr. Scratchansniff: What are you doing?
Yakko: We're getting down... to business.
[Dr. Scratchansniff takes the stick]
Dr. Scratchansniff: You always make ze jokes. Zis is not good. No more jokes, ja? [The Warner Siblings nod] Ja. Good, now, plant yourselves on ze couch there. [The Warner Siblings jump onto the couch and literally sprout up into flowers] I said, no more jokes!
Yakko: This isn't a joke, it's a visual gag.
Dr. Scratchansniff: Well, no more jokes, gags, or monkey stuff.
Yakko: Define monkey stuff.
Dr. Scratchansniff: Yeah, THE MONKEY STUFF! THE MONKEY STUFF!! You know, you walks around like a silly monkey. [acting like a monkey] Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Und you be all goofy like a monkey. Zat is the monkey stuff.
Wakko: Maybe you should see a p-sy-chiatrist.
Dr. Scratchansniff: I am a p-sych-... uh. I mean, a psychiatrist. EUH! [While he paces back and forth, The Warner Siblings follow him, copying him, walking like Ancient Egyptians, and as a British tourist group] Ah... I know vhat you kids vant, ja! You vant to talk to Mr. Puppethead! [pulls out a hand puppet resembling him] Hello kids, I'm Mr. Puppethead! Tell me vhy you always make the jokes. [The Warners look at the puppet awkwardly] Vhy aren't you talking with Mr. Puppethead? No, no, it iz very easy. Watch me, watch me. [clears throat] Hello, Mr. Puppethead, how are you? I am fine, Dr. Scratchansniff. How are you? I am fine, Mr. Puppethead. Did you have a yummy breakfast? Oh yes, yes! Very yummy, thank you. How was your breakfast? My breakfast was yummy as vell. [to the Warner siblings] Now you see? Isn't that easy?
Yakko: Uhmm... are you sure you don't want to see a p-sychiatrist?
Dr. Scratchansniff: I am a p-sychi-- I mean psychiatrist! [tearing at his hair with the puppet] I AM! I AM! I AM! I AM!
Yakko: Mr. Puppethead's hungry.

Dr. Scratchansniff: [narrating, as he is reading "Understanding Children"as "Nobody Knows the Trouble I've Seen" plays in the background again] After much research, I decided to meet with each Varner Brother individually, starting with ze Varner Brothers' sister, Dot.

Dr. Scratchansniff: Dot... may I call you "Dot"?
Dot: Yeah. But call me "Dottie" and ya die.
Dr. Scratchansniff: "Dot" is it. I'm going to show you some pictures, und I vant you to tell me what they look like. [shows Dot an inkblot] Vhat do you say to this?
Dot: I'd say you're not a very good artist.
Dr. Scratchansniff: I didn't draw that.
Dot: Well, whoever did needs to go back to school.
Dr. Scratchansniff: No, it's an inkblot.
Dot: I'll say.
Dr. Scratchansniff: No, no, no. It's not supposed to look like anything!
Dot: Then you did a very good job.
Dr. Scratchansniff: I DIDN'T DRAW IT! Doesn't it looks like a little kitty cat or a butterfly or something?
Dot: No. [takes off the inkblot and changes it into a butterfly] That's a butterfly.

Dr. Scratchansniff: Now, then, Wakko, let's you and I talk, hmm?
Wakko: Okay.
Dr. Scratchansniff: Good. Vhat's on your mind?
Wakko: My hat.
Dr. Scratchansniff: No, no, no. Your hat is on your head. Vhat is on your mind?
Wakko: My... skin?
Dr. Scratchansniff: No, that's on your head. Vhat's on your mind?
Wakko: Oh, I got it! My hair!
Dr. Scratchansniff: Your hair is on your head! [tears off some of his hair] ZIS IS HAIR! ZIS IS HAIR! IT IS NOT ON MY MIND! IT IS ON MY HEAD!
Wakko: No, it's in your hand.
Dr. Scratchansniff: [shakes in anger before exhaling] Let's try something different, okay?
Wakko: Okay.
Dr. Scratchansniff: Why don't you tell me vhat you're feeling?
Wakko: My shirt.
Dr. Scratchansniff: No, that's vhat you're touching.Vhat are you feeling?
Wakko: My nose?
Dr. Scratchansniff: THAT'S VHAT YOU'RE TOUCHING! VHAT ARE YOU FEELING?! [calms down] Just tell me how you feel.
Wakko: I feel fine.
Dr. Scratchansniff: Good! Now, we're getting somewhere. Would you care to expand on that?
Wakko: Okay. [Wakko breaths in and his whole body expands like a balloon]
Dr. Scratchansniff: Vhat? No, no! Not that type of expanding! STOP IT!
[Wakko pricks himself with a sewing pin and flies around the room like a deflating balloon before falling into Scratchansniff's lap]
Wakko: 'Scuse me. [kisses Scratchansniff full on the mouth and runs away]
[Dr. Scratchansniff growls and tears out more of his hair]

Dr. Scratchansniff: Now, then, Yakko, let us do a little word association, hmm? I'll say a word, und you say any word that you think of. Any word that comes to mind.
Yakko: Brain.
Dr. Scratchansniff: No, no. We haven't started.
Yakko: Begun.
Dr. Scratchansniff: No, wait.
Yakko: Yield.
Dr. Scratchansniff: No, stop!
Yakko: Cease.
Dr. Scratchansniff: SILENCE!
Yakko: Quiet.
Dr. Scratchansniff: ENOUGH!!
Yakko: Plenty.
Dr. Scratchansniff: Would - You - Please - Listen?
Yakko: Hear.
Yakko: Comprehend.
Dr. Scratchansniff: [screams in frustration and carries Yakko to the door] Get out, get out, get OUT!
Yakko: Leave, leave, leave.
Dr. Scratchansniff: [kicks him out and slams the door, huffing and puffing] THOSE KIDS IS DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!
Yakko: [pops his head through the door] Insane, unhinged, demented.
[Dr. Scratchansniff angrily shakes his fist at Yakko, tears out his remaining hair, and collapses on the floor, sobbing]

[Back to Hollywood, present day, in psychiatrist's office]
Dr. Scratchansniff: Und zis is how it's been. Zey's always driving me kooky in the kopf, und they're still not de-zanitized. Am I crazy, doctor? [He turns to see The Warner Siblings] Huuuh!
[The psychiatrists are revealed to be The Warner Siblings]
Yakko: [in a German accent] You are suffering from acute Warneritis.
Dr. Scratchansniff: AAAAAAAAH! [He literally blasts off into Outer Space like a rocket ship, leaving a hole shaped like himself in the ceiling, and blasting all the way to Mars. He crashes upon landing on Mars]
Yakko: [in a normal voice] Was it something I said?

Yakko's World/Cookies for Einstein/Win Big [1.02][edit]

Einstein: I'm trying to unravel the mysteries of the universe!
Yakko: Shouldn't you be focusing on skin disorders?
Einstein: I am not a dermatologist!

H.M.S. Yakko/Slappy Goes Walnuts/Yakko's Universe [1.03][edit]

Captain Mel: Who be ye?
Yakko: We be we. We're the Warner brothers.
Dot: And the Warner sister.
Captain Mel: Ye be trespassing on my private pirate property!
Wakko: Bet ya can't say that three times fast.
Captain Mel: Pirate prinipoly popoly... pi... per
Wakko: You lose. [smashes Mel flat with a sledgehammer]

Slappy: I'm gonna make you some brain food. That's right, I'm gonna make you my famous walnut fig dough surprise.
Skippy: What's the surprise?
Slappy: I'm outta walnuts.

Slappy: Look, you've seen all my old cartoons, right?
Skippy: About a trillion times!
Slappy: I've wrestled with Walter Wolf, Sid the Squid, and Beanie the Brain-Dead Bison. This Doug guy here is nothin'.
Skippy: Yeah, but those were cartoons and this is real life.
Slappy: [to the audience] Don't tell him, he might crack.

Slappy: Look, Skippy. I've seen and done every trick in the book- [Skippy sees a large dog looming behind Slappy] Hold it there! You're doing the old "Frozen Take" bit, which means Doug the Dog... [pulls a club out of her purse and clonks Doug without looking] ...was right behind me. Heh-heh-heh!

Hooked on a Ceiling/Goodfeathers: The Beginning [1.04][edit]

[The cartoon opens up on a map of Renaissance Italy]
Narrator: [narrating, as the camera trucks in on the map of Renaissance Italy] The Italian Renaissance, [as the camera pans right past The Mona Lisa, The Last Supper, and The Birth of Venus ] a glorious time of unprecedented achievement in the arts. [as the camera pans right to a man hole] And perhaps the era's greatest figure was Michelangelo Buonarroti. [The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles come out of the man hole. The Narrator (a caricature of John Houseman) appears in a purple circle] I'm afraid popular culture has successfully eradicated the actual identities of the true poets of art. My opinion? [binding The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles with a cane] This stinks.
Michelangelo: Hey, watch it, dude!
[The Narrator pulls The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles into the purple circle with the cane]
Narrator: [to The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles] I shall deal with you later. [to the viewers] Now, for a brief reality check. [starting a slideshow] Michelangelo was a brilliant artist, not a turtle. His most famous works include: the marble masterpiece statue of David, and of course, the Ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Yes, this too was created by the tortured genius, Michelangelo, but even this great artist needed help to carry out his vision.

[Rome, circa 1512 A.D. Michelangelo (a caricature of Kirk Douglas) angrily kicks two painters out of The Sistine Chapel]
Michelangelo: Out! Out, you incompetent FOOLS! You call yourselves artists? [He puts a "Painters wanted" sign on the door] You just can't get good help these days. [He goes back inside. The camera trucks in on the "Painters wanted" sign. High-angle shot of Michelangelo walking over to three peasants] And you! How can I work with all you peasants kneeling and mumbling!
Peasant: But, Michelangelo, this is a church.
Michelangelo: Oh, that explains that infernal bell ringing.
[The bell rings periodically]
Quasimodo: Sanctuary! Sanctuary
Michelangelo: QUIET! [He slams the door. Quasimodo shrugs. Michelangelo goes up the ladder] I must be finished with my great masterpiece tonight, before His Eminence arrives. But I fired all my assistants. I'm alone! ALL ALONE! [He sobs intensely] Oh, heavenly muse, send me some help!
[Yakko kicks the door open, destroying the scaffold Michelangelo is on, causing him to fall into a can of red paint]
Yakko: It's Yakko and Wakko, and out sister, Dot!

Yakko: Friends, we'll paint any ceiling for just 29.95. Right! How do we do it? No overhead. In fact, when we get through, you'll have nothing overhead! And if you hire us, you'll have nothing in your head! We paint ceilings, ceilings and ONLY ceilings! We don't paint floors cuz they're beneath us.
Michelangelo: [angrily standing, boiling, covered in red paint] Who are you? What are you doing here?
Yakko: We heard you had a ceiling that needs painting.
Dot: Nice bungalo. This your place?
Michelangelo: You fools, I'm the great Michelangelo. And this is the Sistine chapel.
Yakko: Oh, yeah? If you're so great, what did you do with the other fifteen chapels, huh? Gotcha there.
Michelangelo: Out. Out! HOW DARE YOU! [He prepares to throw The Warner Siblings out, but he gets thrown out himself, confused] Huh?
Yakko: Well, that takes care of the competition.
Dot: Gentlemen, start your rollers. [Yakko and Wakko get white paint]
Yakko: You know, a little touch-up will do wonders for this place.

Michelangelo: Let me in! Let me in!
Yakko: (dressed up as The Guardian of the Gates) Nobody gets in to see the Wizard. Not nobody. Not nohow.
Michelangelo: But I'm Michaelangelo.
Yakko: [gasps] The Witch's Michaelangelo? Well. Now, that's a ceiling of a different color.
Michelangelo: [gasps] Aaaargh! What have you done to my beautiful ceiling! [shows white ceiling]
Yakko: Ya like it? I gotta tell ya, we had a heck of a time covering up those naked people.
Michelangelo: You FOOLS! You've ruined it! It's supposed to have pictures,
Wakko: Pictures? He wants pictures!
Yakko: Hey, don't worry Mike, our mistake. [whispering] This hasn't happened to us since that Venus de Milo arms fiasco.
Dot: Say, why don't you go paint that Moaning Lisa, Leonardo?
Michelangelo: That's Da Vinci.
Dot: That's delightful.
Yakko: That's de-lovely, but, we got a ceiling to paint.
Michelangelo: Wha- but-
Dot: [giving Michelangelo wallpapers and two books] Here. Just pick out a wallpaper pattern and relax. We'll take care of everything.
Wakko: [wearing toilet plungers on his feet] Yeah, when it comes to ceilings, we're the tops!
Yakko: [giving Michelangelo wallpapers and a refrigerator] Oh, and while you're at it, pick out the linoleum, why don't-cha?
Dot: [giving Michelangelo wallpapers and a fish bowl with a goldfish in it] And don't forget your upholstery and your bathroom fixtures.
Michelangelo: Oh, thank you.
Yakko: Now, don't you worry your pretty, little head. By the way, nice toga.

Michelangelo: [looking at wallpaper designs] Let me see now, this lovely floral pattern might be just- [knocking the stack of wallpapers, books, and objects down, realizing that he's been tricked] HEY, wait a minute! I'll teach those idiots to fool with the great Michelangelo! [He hits the cylinder, making the statue of Moses. He slams the door open] No. No. NO! [He sees a bullfighter, A Waterloo by C.M. Coolidge, big-eyed children by Margaret Keane, and Elvis Presley. He cries] I'm ruined! RUINED!
Dot: I knew it. He prefers the young Elvis.
Michelangelo: It is supposed to look like THIS! [He shows them The Sistine Chapel Ceiling paper]
Dot: Oh! More naked people!
Yakko: I wouldn't go flashing that around if I were you, Mike. [whispering] This is a church. [He takes the paper, scrunches it up, and throws it away]
Michelangelo: But His Eminence is coming tonight and I MUST be finished! Please, you gotta help me! [He cries]
Yakko: Wait a minute, you expect us poor innocent children to climb up dangerous scaffolding and paint naked people all over a church? [in unison with Wakko and Dot] We'll do it! [speaking at a podium as Wakko and Dot play "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" on kazoos] But we're not doing it for the sake of art. And we're not doing it for the sake of money. No, we're doing it because, we like painting naked people.

[Yakko sprays white paint on the ceiling. Wakko sharpens a pencil, and paints outline on tightrope extremely quickly. Dot writes numbers on the ceiling. Michelangelo paints the ceiling using a trampoline]

[Low-angle shot of The Ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. The camera pans left to a blank space]
Michelangelo: I still don't know what to paint in this blank space. And his eminence will be here any minute.
Crowd: It's His Eminence. [as Michelangelo and The Warner Siblings turn and a red carpet rolls into The Sistine Chapel] His Eminence. Look, it's His Eminence. His Eminence is coming. His Eminence.
Yakko: Don't worry, Mike. You go say howdy, we'll finish up.
Michelangelo: Your Eminence. [He kisses toes] I'm so glad you could come. [He kisses toes] I worked so hard to please you. I hope you'll like my ceiling. HUH! I'm ruined! [He sees Elliot from E.T. in a juxtaposition of The Creation of Adam. He cries. Camera pans up to reveal Steven Spielberg ]
Steven Spielberg: I like it!
Yakko: [giving Michelangelo a bowl of Quaker Oats Life cereal and pouring milk into it] Hey, Mikey, he likes it! [jumping into Steven Spielberg's arms] Painting is like show business. You have to know your audience.

Taming of the Screwy [1.05][edit]

[The cartoon opens up on an aerial shot of The Warner Brothers Studio as upbeat music plays throughout the background. Cut to Warner Brothers Studios building. Inside, a woman passes by a portrait of Thaddeus Plotz. Camera pans right to his office]
Unknown man: [to two other unknown men] He's a chicken, I tell ya. A giant chicken!
[Fade to inside of office]
Thaddeus Plotz: Dr. Scratchansniff, do you know what keeps this studio running?
Dr. Scratchansniff: Err, your brilliant leadership, T.P.?
Thaddeus Plotz: I mean besides that. What keeps this place going?
Dr. Scratchansniff: Mmmm... Mel Gibson movies?
Thaddeus Plotz: YES! That's it, sniff. And how do we pay for those movies? With money! money. And we need more. With that in mind, I've invited some powerful foreign investors to come here tomorrow. They'll prepare to give us 1 billion of it. Billion of it. 1 billion. 1 billion dollars! Do you know what that means?
Dr. Scratchansniff: Ja, that's a one with lots und lots of zeros after it.
Thaddeus Plotz: No! It means tomorrow is the most important day in the studio's history! I'm throwing a gala banquet on sound stage 10. Now, every star in Hollywood will be there. Investors will get the royal treatment, and we'll get the check, IF, it goes smoothly. There's just one catch. Before they invest, they wanna meet every one who works here. Including you.
Dr. Scratchansniff: Ooh, that's nice. I like to party.
Thaddeus Plotz: And including, The Warner Brothers.
[The Warner Siblings are running around outside]
Yakko: [in unison with Wakko] Hi, T.P.!
Dot: And the Warner Sister.
Dr. Scratchansniff: No, T.P.! Don't let the investors meet The Warners! They're out of control. They're koo-koo! They're-
Thaddeus Plotz: Your responsibility. You're the studio psychiatrist. You have 24 hours, Scratchensniff, to teach them some manners. I can't have those-those- What are they?
Dr. Scratchansniff: I don't know.
Thaddeus Plotz: Well, I can't have them ruining this banquet! Understand?
Dr. Scratchansniff: Alright, I'll try.
Thaddeus Plotz: Trying is not good enough, Scratchensniff. [shouting loudly, blowing Dr. Scratchensniff away] DO IT!
Dr. Scratchansniff:[bouncing out of the building] Uh! Eh! Pleugh! [He falls down. He rests his elbow on the concrete, irate] Rggrgh!

[After "The Studio Shrink Song"]
Dr. Scratchansniff: Stop zat! Stop! Do you know why you're here?
Yakko: No one really knows why, Doc, although Schopenhauer put forth an interesting theory--
Dr. Scratchansniff: Zat's not what I meant!
Dot: Then why'd you say it?
Dr. Scratchansniff: You're misinterpreting!
Yakko: [standing next to Miss Interpreting] No, this is Miss Interpreting.
Wakko: [standing next to Miss Understanding] This is Miss Understanding.
Dot: [laying on a pillow] And I'm Miss-terious.
Wakko: [the Warners are playing with a golden bust of Sigmund Freud] Wow, a giant Pez dispenser! Want one?
Yakko: [taking a Pez] Please.
Dr. Scratchansniff: Stop playing with my bust!
[There is a pause]
Yakko: [blows the audience a kiss] Mwah! Goodnight, everybody!

Dr. Scratchansniff: Be quiet, please! I have something to tell you!
Yakko: Ooh, story time
Wakko: Get right to the scary part.
Dr. Scratchansniff: What scary part?
Dot: The part with my pet. [She opens the box. Dot's pet appears as giant crab with eyeball replacing its head]
Dr. Scratchansniff: [startled] Eagh! Ya, yeah your pet, okay. Good pet. Heh heh heh. Now, listen. The studio is getting a big fancy party for some new investors, with movie stars und everything, und, uh, you have been invited.
Warner Siblings: Movie stars?
Yakko: Michelle Pfeiffer.
Dot: Mel Gibson.
Wakko: Don Knotts!
Dr. Scratchansniff: Please! There's also some bad news.
Dot: Bea Arthur is putting out a swimsuit calendar?
Dr. Scratchansniff: She is? Of course, not. No. The bad news is you can only go if I train you to be polite, clean, well-dressed children on your best behavior.
[Dot is wearing a party hat and holding a pony by the reins in front of balloons]
Dot: I thought you said it was a party!

Dr. Scratchansniff: Und now my little, uh, friends, we shall begin training you for the party. Oh, Miss Nurse! Will you please come in here?
[Hello Nurse opens the door, walking in provocatively]
Yakko: [in unison with Wakko, panting] Hello, Nurse!
Dot: Boys, go fig.
Dr. Scratchansniff: Miss Nurse here, is going to assist me in your lessons on etiquette. We'll start with ze receiving line.
[The Warner Siblings all form a line behind Hello Nurse and do a conga dance]
Dr. Scratchansniff: No, no, zat's a conga line!
Yakko: Ooh, nice to know you're up on your dance steps, doc.
Dr. Scratchansniff: Grragh! Hurgh! Hrrr! RRRRR!

Dr. Scratchansniff: Now, in a receiving line, if I introduced her to you, what would be ze proper greeting?
Yakko: [in unison with Wakko] Hello, Nurse!
Dr. Scratchansniff: No, no, a proper greeting like zis. [He bows] "How do you do?" Now, you try.
Yakko: How do you do... that thing with your mouth? [He lands in Hello Nurse's arms, then kisses her] Take me away, but be gentle. I'm fragile. [He fractures into many tiny pieces]
Dr. Scratchansniff: [As Dot puts Yakko back together] No, no, it is impolite to be that personal. [to Wakko] Wakko?
Wakko: I disagree.
Dr. Scratchansniff: No, I want you to greet ze lady.
[Wakko literally zooms around to Hello Nurse at lightning speed, with a lightning bolt trailing behind him, kissing her]
Wakko: Hello, Nurse!
Dr. Scratchansniff: No, no, no, how do you do.
Wakko: Oh, fine, thanks. [He shakes Dr. Scratchensniff's hand]
Dr. Scratchansniff: Rgh! [to Dot] Dot, would you care to give it a try? But, I'd like you to make a little curtzy.
Dot: Thanks, but I did before I left home.
Dr. Scratchansniff: No, a curtzy, make a little curtzy!
Yakko: [in unison with Wakko, laughing] Make a little curtzy, a curtzy! [Yakko does a curtzy] A little curtzy! [Wakko does a curtzy. They laugh more]
Dr. Scratchansniff: Stop it! Stop zat! I am not here to amuse you!
Yakko: Then, please, stop being so funny!
[Wakko laughs]
Dr. Scratchansniff: [facepalms] Now, Dot, please give it a try.
Dot: How do you do? [She does a curtzy, then midway, collapses onto the floor] Tee-hee, curtsy laugh.
Dr. Scratchansniff: Ooh! [double facepalms on the couch] Nngnhuh! Let's move on.
Yakko: [in unison with Wakko] And lift!
Dot: [pushing a fridge with a lift] Comin' through!
Yakko: Uh, where do you want the couch, Mac?
Dr. Scratchansniff: Euugh!

Dr. Scratchansniff: Now, we will work on our diction. How do we avoid bad elocution?
Yakko: Stay inside during a thunder storm.
[Wakko does a rim shot]
Dr. Scratchansniff: No, no, elocution, diction, pronunciation! We will work on our vowel sounds! Let's pronounce zis! A-e-i-o-u.
Warner Siblings: [trying to pronounce the as one word] "Aeiou"...
Dr. Scratchansniff: No, no. I want ze letters, the letters!
Warner Siblings: [dressed as mail men, throwing actual letters out of mail bags] Scratchansniff, Scratchansniff, Scratchansniff.
Yakko: Hey! Doctor Otto Scratchansniff! You may have won 10 million dollars!
Dot: Are you married? [She kisses Dr. Scratchansniff 6 times. The lip imprints stay]
Dr. Scratchansniff: No, no, NO!
Dot: With a temper like that, it's no wonder.
Dr. Scratchansniff: Stop! Haltenzie! For-ge- No! In your seats! [The lip imprints disappear] If you want to go to the party, you must stop with the gags!
[The Warner Siblings all wear physical restraints. Wakko has a lock, and Yakko and Dot have blindfolds over their mouths]
Yakko: [in unison with Dot, taking the blindfolds off] Oh, alright.
Dr. Scratchansniff: Heh. Let's plunge ahead.
Warner Siblings: Okay!
[The Warner Siblings all jump off a high diving board into a small tub of water]
Wakko: Cannonball!
Dr. Scratchansniff: Yergh!
[The Warner Siblings splash him and the screen]

[Dr. Scratchansniff is teaching The Warner Siblings table manners]
Dr. Scratchansniff: When it's time to eat, table manners are the upmost importance. I vant you to sit up.
The Warner Siblings: [acting like dogs] Woof!
Yakko: We can also play dead.
[The Warner Siblings roll over off the table]
Dr. Scratchansniff: Get up! Get up!
Dot: What, without a treat?
Dr. Scratchansniff: Yes!
Yakko: Alright, but Shamu wouldn't work under these conditions.
Dr. Scratchansniff: But Shamu doesn't vant to go to the party!!
Dot: Was he invited?
Dr. Scratchansniff: ARGH!
[Hello Nurse opens the door, walking in provocatively in a French maid outfit with food. She brings the food down onto the table]
Yakko: [in unison with Wakko, panting] Hello, French nurse!
Dot: [inhales, pointing her finger up] Never mind. [She crosses her arms]
Dr. Scratchansniff: Now, we will eat a practice meal, ja, und I will correct you as we go along. Begin. [The Warner Siblings drink the soups, throw the plates away, then jump around stuffing themselves and eating more food] Don't eat with your hands! You must use the proper tools! [as Yakko operates a dig machine as to dump food with a bigger total volume than Wakko into Wakko's mouth] Stop zat, sit down! Do you want to go to the party, or not?
Warner Siblings: Yes.
Dr. Scratchansniff: Gaargh! Fine. Now zen, you have a salad fork, a dinner fork, a butter knife, a water glass, a soup spoon, a dinner knife, a fish knife, an oyster fork, desert spoon, a napkin, a finger bowl, a dinner spoon, a salad knife, a bread plate. Got it?
Wakko: Got it? I can beat it, I have a full house.
Yakko: [in unison with Dot, slamming their cards onto the table] Aw!
Dr. Scratchansniff: You're not paying attention. You didn't hear any of that. You're not listening to anything I say!
Yakko: Well, sure we are, Doc. Let's review, shall we?

[after "The Etiquette Song"]
Dr. Scratchansniff: Ehuhuh. No. No! NO! I give up! It can't be done! Kaputski! [hugging his bust of Sigmund Freud] You're not going to the party!
Warner Siblings: Not going to the party? Why?
Dr. Scratchansniff: Why? WHY? Because you won't be polite, speak correctly, or say, "How do you do?"
Dot: Oh, that.
Yakko: You mean like this?
Warner Siblings: [all dressed up in proper attire] How do you do? [Dot does a curtzy while Yakko and Wakko bow]
[Dr. Scratchansniff rubs his eyes in surprise and confusion]
Dr. Scratchansniff: You-you can do zat?
Dot: Sure!
Dr. Scratchansniff: Then, why did you give me such a hard time?
[The Warner Siblings all jump onto Dr. Scratchansniff, hugging him]
Warner Siblings: 'Cause we love ya. [They all kiss him]
Dr. Scratchansniff: Heh. Well, then, let's party!

Thaddeus Plotz: Please, tell our honored new investors this party is our way of saying welcome, and, heh heh heh, [in a Western accent] you're A-O.K., partner. Ha ha ha ha.
Miss Tanaka: [to Mr. Kato and other Japanese investor, in a Japanese accent] Yoko so, soshite anat wa A-O.K., partner. ("Welcome, And you're A-O.K., partner.")
Thaddeus Plotz: Heh heh heh.
Ralph: Ahem. Dr. Scratchensniff is arriving with The Warner Brothers.
Thaddeus Plotz: Please, let those kids behave. I want my money.
Ralph: Uh... [He points to Dr. Scratchensniff and The Warner Siblings]
Dr. Scratchansniff: Mr. Chairman, may I present, The Warner Brothers!
Dot: Addendum-- The Warner Sister. [in unison with Yakko and Wakko] How do you do?
Miss Tanaka: [in a Japanese accent] Gokigen ikaga desuka? ("How are you?")
Yakko: [to Mr. Kato and second Japanese investor, in a Japanese accent] Tokyo wa totemo omoshiroi tokuro desu ne. ("Tokyo is an extremely interesting place, isn't it?")
Mr. Kato: [to Yakko, in a Japanese accent] Zehi irashite kudesai. ("Please, go there.")
Yakko: [to Mr. Kato and second Japanese investor, in a Japanese accent] Mada iki basho ga areba ne. ("If there's still a place to go, eh?")
[He and the Japanese investors laugh. Thaddeus Plotz laughs. The Japanese investors look at him. Thaddeus Plotz sighs weakly]

[The Warner Siblings walk into the party. They see Spike Lee, Annette Bening, and Warren Beatty sitting at a table]
Spike Lee: [to a baby on Warren Beatty's back] How about a smile, please baby, please baby baby baby please?
[They see Bea Arthur sitting at a fancy party with Danny DeVito, who is dressed as The Penguin, eating a large bucket of fish]
Bea Arthur: I'm putting out a swimsuit calendar.
Danny DeVito: [gags] Not while I'm eating!

Thaddeus Plotz: Good work, Scratchansniff. I'm amazed! Heh, you did it! The Warners behaved. [He turns, serious] Now, get them out of here.
Dr. Scratchansniff: What? But they did their part of the bargain.
Thaddeus Plotz: I want them out. I don't have that check yet, and they're not going to mess it up. Get 'em out!
Dr. Scratchansniff: Well, kids, that's enough for one night, eh?
Warner Siblings: [confused] Huh?
Dr. Scratchansniff: Don't want you to get over-tired. It's getting late. So, it's off to bed with you. Now, now, come along. Let's go nighty-night.
Yakko: Hey, what are you doing?
Dot: Yeah!
Dr. Scratchansniff: Uh. I'm sorry, but the chairman of the board said you had to leave.
Yakko: But we behaved!
Dr. Scratchansniff: Yeah, I know, and I'm sorry. Now, go on now. Go-go on now.
Dot: No dinner with Mel Gibson?
Yakko: No dancing with Michelle Pfeiffer?
Wakko: No chit-chat with Don Knotts?
Yakko: [as he, Wakko, and Dot climb up the ladder] Well, I know when we're not wanted. I know when we should just go home. [climbing back down] Now is not one of those times.

Thaddeus Plotz: Uh, some party, huh?
Miss Tanaka: [to Mr. Kato and other Japanese investor, in a Japanese accent] Yoi pati de sune? To itemasu. ("I'm saying, 'Good Party, isn't it?'")
[Mr. Kato and other Japanese investor look at Thaddeus Plotz]
Thaddeus Plotz: [nervously] Heh heh.

[After The Warner Siblings have scared off the Xenomorph ]
Mr. Kato: [in a Japanese accent] Asoko ni Warner Brothers ga iru. ("There is The Warner Brothers there")
Thaddeus Plotz: The Warners? Where's Scratchensniff?
[Dr. Scratchansniff is talking to Michael Keaton, who is dressed as Batman]
Dr. Scratchansniff: I don't want to drive The Batmobile. I just want to sit in it.
[Thaddeus Plotz grabs him]
Thaddeus Plotz: I told you to send those kids home!
Dr. Scratchansniff: B-but I did!
Thaddeus Plotz: Well, they're back! You'd better help me catch them! They'll ruin everything!
Dr. Scratchansniff: Ohh!

Jack Palance: Hey, Slappy, did you ever see this? [He does a one-armed pushup like he did at the Oscars]
Slappy: Save it for the Jack LaLanne story, bubele! [to Luke Perry ] Y'know, you remind me of a very mature Jonny Quest.

[Michelle Pfieffer who is dressed as Catwoman is drinking milk from a saucer. She is licking her left arm]
Yakko: [in unison with Wakko, popping up out of the saucer] Hello Kitty!
Michelle Pfieffer: Who are you?
Yakko: [in unison with Wakko, jumping out of the saucer] We're The Warner Brothers.
Michelle Pfieffer: Like the studio?
Yakko: Not much, but we don't have a choice.
Wakko: Did you know there's a Thing in your milk?
[The Thing hops out of the saucer. The Thing walks away]
Thaddeus Plotz: [offscreen] There they are, Scratchansniff!
[Wakko runs off]
Yakko: Save a spot for me on your dance card.
[Wakko runs off. Thaddeus Plotz and Dr. Scratchansniff chase after Yakko and Wakko]

[Thaddeus Plotz has captured The Warner Siblings]
Thaddeus Plotz: Ruin my studio, will you? You--you-- you whatever you ares!
Miss Tanaka: [in a Japanese accent] Mr. Kato would like to know who is responsible for all of this.
Thaddeus Plotz: It was them! I had nothing to do with it. They're responsible!
Miss Tanaka: [to Mr. Kato and second Japanese investor, in a Japanese accent] Warner Brothers no sekinin desu. ("This is the responsibility of The Warner Brothers.")
Mr. Kato and other Japanese investor: [to Yakko, in Japanese accents in unison] Great party! Great party! Great party! Great party! Ha ha ha ha!
Thaddeus Plotz: Great party? Oh, oh, oh, yes. Uh, Great party![He laughs. The Japanese investors look at him. Thaddeus Plotz sighs weakly]
Mr. Kato: [to Yakko, in a Japanese accent] We love The Warner Brothers! [giving The Warner Siblings the 1 billion dollar check] And here you go.
Miss Tanaka: [in a Japanese accent] Mr. Kato presents the check for 1 billion dollars.
Mr. Kato: [to Yakko, in a Japanese accent] You are A-O.K., partner!
[ Madonna walks up to Mr. Kato and other Japanese investor]
Madonna: C'mon, you guys. We're going to play Truth or Dare.
[She takes them to play Truth or Dare. Thaddeus Plotz's turns red, steaming up]
Yakko: [to Dr. Scratchansniff] Well, Doc, there's a lesson to be learned in all of this.
Dr. Scratchansniff: Yeah? What's that?
Yakko: I have no idea, but apparently it's worth a billion dollars.
Thaddeus Plotz: That's my check! Give me that! [starts chasing after The Warner Siblings, speeding] Give me that! That's mine! Come back here with my money! That's my check! [Dr. Scratchansniff turns to the audience and gives the "Crazy" gesture]

Flipper Parody/Temporary Insanity/Operation: Lollipop/What Are We? [1.06][edit]

Thaddeus Plotz: [after hanging up on the Warners] Oh my. What have I done? Where's my aspirin? [opens his cabinet drawer]
[Yakko, Wakko and Dot appear out of the drawer]
Yakko: Reporting for work, sir!
[Yakko, Wakko and Dot kiss Mr. Plotz, and start cleaning and organizing his office]
Thaddeus Plotz: Get back in your tower!
Wakko: I thought you needed us to be your secretaries.
Thaddeus Plotz: Never! [Wakko swallows Plotz's WB shield-shaped paperweight] And give me back my paperweight!
Wakko: Okay, but you'll have to wait a while.

Thaddeus Plotz: Stop!
Yakko: Time out!
Thaddeus Plotz: When will this insanity end?
Dot: When one of us answers the phone, silly.
Thaddeus Plotz: I did not know that.
Yakko: Time in!

Thaddeus Plotz: I want you to take a letter.
Wakko: Where do you want me to take it?
Thaddeus Plotz: No, no. I mean I want you to write a letter.
Wakko: Okay. [takes out a notepad and a pencil] Dear Santa, I have been ever so good this year. I would like a new mallet and a shiny brass anvil.
Thaddeus Plotz: No! No! No! No! Write a letter for me! For me!
Wakko: Well, I don't know what you want for Christmas.

The Warner Lot Song/The Big Candy Store/Bumbie's Mom [1.08][edit]

[Cartoon opens up on The Goodfeathers. Camera pans left to Flaxseed's Totallity of Candy. "Dance of The Sugar Plum Fairies" from "The Nutcracker Suite by Pytor Tchaikovsky plays in the background. Fade to inside. Ferman Flaxseed is sucking on a green sucker, looking at himself in the mirror. Sister Margaret-Mary-Anne-June-July walks up to the counter]
Sister Margaret-Mary-Anne-June-July: [in an Irish accent] Eh, beggin' yer pardon, sir.
Ferman Flaxseed: [taking the green sucker out of his mouth] Yes? Yes? What? What? What?
Sister Margaret-Mary-Anne-June-July: [in an Irish accent] I'm Sister Margaret-Mary-Anne-June-July, and -- well, I was wonderin', Mr. Flaxseed -- our orphanage hasn't much money, and, well -- would you consider donating some of your fine candies to our sweet boys and girls for our Easter celebration?
Ferman Flaxseed: You mean -- for free?
Sister Margaret-Mary-Anne-June-July: [in an Irish accent] Yes, exactly!
Ferman Flaxseed: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha- [Camera trucks-in on his mouth. As he laughs, his tonsils, each with a purple toupee, laugh with him. Camera trucks-out of his mouth] AH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-ha!!! NO!
[He kicks Sister Margaret-Anne-June-July out]
Sister Margaret-Mary-Anne-June-July: [in an Irish accent] Oof! [raspberries, then walks away]
Ferman Flaxseed: [dusting his hands] Deadbeats! Where DO they come from?

[The Warner Siblings ride on a city bus, in Roman outfits. Yakko is whipping the bus. The green light turns red. The bus stops at the red light, neighing like a horse]
Yakko: How's that for an entrance?
Wakko: [sniffs]
Dot: [pointing to Flaxseed's Totallity of Candy] Look!
Singers: [offscreen, as light shines on Flaxseed's Totallity of Candy] Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!
Yakko: One of these days, I'm gonna find those singers!
[The Warner Siblings jump off the bus and go to Flaxseed's Totallity of Candy. Ferman Flaxseed is sucking on the green sucker, looking at himself in the mirror. Close-up of Ferman Flaxseed's reflection. He sees The Warner Siblings reflection in it. The Warner Siblings look in the window, pressed against the glass]
Ferman Flaxseed: Hmmm? [He turns to see The Warner Siblings outside the window] Oh!! What horrifying little children! I shall be frightened for hours! [waving to The Warner Siblings to go away] Go away! Go away!! Shoo, shoo! You frighten me!
Dot: Look! He's waving at us! What a nice man! He wants us to come in!

[After "The Candy Man" song]
Yakko: [in unison with Wakko] We're the Warner Brothers!
Dot: And the Warner sister!
Ferman Flaxseed: Buy something or leave!
Yakko: [to the viewer] I like him! Don't you?
Wakko: This is a great store, Mr. Candyman!
Ferman Flaxseed: I'm not the Candyman!
Dot: Well, you sell candy, don't cha, kid?
Ferman Flaxseed: I'm not a kid!
Yakko: Relax, my good man!
Ferman Flaxseed: I am not your good man!!
Yakko: [sitting on the counter] Hmmmm...we're running out of options here.
Ferman Flaxseed: What - do you want?!
Yakko: [grabbing a jar of red jelly beans] Well, world peace would be nice... and a Chevrolet in every driveway ... an end to pestilence and famine ... and pestilence... [Ferman Flaxseed takes the jar of red jelly beans] Until then -- we're just browsing!
[The Warner Siblings start touching and eating the candy. Dot licks the lollipops, Yakko drinks out of the melted milk chocolate barrel, and Wakko licks a candy cane]
Ferman Flaxseed: Stop! Stop -- stop touching everything! If you want to see something, ask!
Dot: All right! We'd like to see the jellybeans!
[Ferman Flaxseed shows them a jar of jelly beans]
Wakko: Not those! Those! [He points upwards. Ferman Flaxseed looks up to see a giant jar of jelly beans on top of the giant shelf. The camera turns to truck-out fast to a high-angle shot of the really tall ladder. He turns to The Warner Siblings, nervous. The Warner Siblings smile. He climbs a very tall ladder, passing a goat on two giant candy canes]
Goat: Baa!
[Ferman Flaxseed continues climbing, passing an astronaut]
Astronaut: Come in, Houston!
[Ferman Flaxseed is near the top, where the giant jar of jelly beans is. His right eye gets big. He looks down, nervously. Close-up on Ferman Flaxseed's nervous face, shaking nervously, sweating]
Dot: Don't look down! You might fall and hit your head and die and your brains would leak out all over!
[Ferman Flaxseed gulps. He grabs the giant jar of jelly beans]
Ferman Flaxseed: [as the ladder trembles, rocking back and forth] Goh! Uuh -- ooh!
Yakko: Whoa! Dumber than advertised!
[Ferman Flaxseed climbs down the really tall ladder]
Ferman Flaxseed: [panting] There! Now... how many do you want?
Yakko: Oh, we don't want any! We just wanted to SEE 'em!
[The Warner Siblings look at the giant jar of jellybeans]
Warner Siblings: Thank you!
Ferman Flaxseed: [leaping over the counter] Right! So you're making fun of me!
Yakko: We aren't making fun of ya! THIS is making fun of ya.
Warner Siblings: [in stupid voices] We sell candy! We sell candy!
Dot: See the difference?
[Ferman Flaxseed snaps and jumps at them, but The Warner Siblings dodge him and run between the other aisles]
Wakko: [grabbing taffy from The Mr. Taffy Machine] I love a taffy pull! [He pulls the taffy from The Mr. Taffy Machine through three aisles and a stack of cans in a zigzag path, only to run into Ferman Flaxseed]
Ferman Flaxseed: Give that to me! [Wakko gives him the taffy] Eaowgh! [The taffy pulls him through the stack of cans and the three aisles in the zigzag path. He smashes into The Mr. Taffy Machine. He gets up, covered in taffy]
Warner Siblings: [chugging past him as a train, puffing out smoke] Choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo- [offscreen] Whoooo-whoooo! [They make a hissing noise as they shuffle to him]
Dot: [handing him the toupee] You dropped your hair!
Ferman Flaxseed: [angrilly getting out of the taffy machine] Blblblbl! [putting on toupee] Bleugh! Now, this really takes the cake!
[Each Warner Sibling has a cake]
Wakko: Where do you want us to take 'em?
Ferman Flaxseed: [pushing the cakes] Ough!! Either you BUY something right now, or I shall delight in throwing you out of here!
Yakko: That's going to be a problem ... See, we don't have any money.
Dot: Can we have something for free?
Ferman Flaxseed: For FREE!?!
[Ferman Flaxseed kicks the Warner Siblings out]
Warner Siblings: Ooouuugh!
Yakko: Hey! He can't do that to us!
[They go back in and get kicked out again]
Warner Siblings: Doouuugh!
Yakko: On second thought, uh -- maybe he can!

Ferman Flaxseed is pouring a bag of marshmallows into a barrel. Yakko, disguised as a mail man, comes in with a telegram for him]
Yakko: Telegram for Ferman Flaxseed! [He hands him the envelope] How about a tip?
Ferman Flaxseed: Don't eat lead!
Wakko: [as he and Dot appear out of envelope] Didja miss us?
Dot: Give us a kiss, kid! [She kisses him on the nose. They run as he gives chase]
Wakko: Look! Malted milk balls! [He pours the malted milkballs out of the jar and into his mouth. He becomes a machine gun as Ferman Flaxseed advances towards them. He spits them out with Dot winding his tail, shooting at Ferman Flaxseed. Ferman Flaxseed deflects the malted milkballs, which go into Yakko's mouth, using the silver platter as a shield. Wakko runs out of malted milkballs] I'm out!
[Ferman Flaxseed angrilly grabs Wakko and Dot]
Ferman Flaxseed: Naugh-ty, naugh-ty children! [holds up Wakko and Dot]
Sister Margaret-Mary-Anne-June-July: [in an Irish accent, offscreen] Stop right there! [as her shadow overlooms Ferman Flaxseed] You put those children down, you beast!!
[Sister Margaret-Mary-Anne-June-July stands at the doorway with a ruler, very angrily]
Ferman Flaxseed: But, you -- don't understand! They were--
Wakko: [in unison with Dot] Waaaaa--hhhhh!
Sister Margaret-Mary-Anne-June-July: [in an Irish accent] Come on, girls! That's the one I toldja about! Get him!!
[Sister Margaret-Mary-Anne-June-July and the nuns march in angrily, with yard sticks in their hands. Camera trucks-in on Ferman Flaxseed's terrified face]
Ferman Flaxseed: Wait! You're nuns! You're not allowed to resort to physical violence!
Sister Margaret-Mary-Anne-June-July: [in an Irish accent] He's right! Let us pray. [She and the nuns pray mumblingly. Outside Flaxseed's Totallity of Candy, a Notre Lame bus pulls up. Cheerleaders and The Notre Lame Marching Band come out of the bus as The Notre Lame Football Team comes to beat up Ferman Flaxseed] Our prayers have been answered!
[The Notre Lame Football Team marches down an aisle of Cheerleaders and beat up Ferman Flaxseed]
Warner Siblings: [cheerleading] Clobber Flaxseed, clobber Flaxseed! Sis-boom-bah! Fighting Irish, Fighting Irish! Rah! Rah! Rah!
Dot: Go, Flaxseed!! [Violence stops] Just kidding! [Violence continues. The Warner Siblings eat popcorn as they watch the violence. The Notre Lame Football Team stops beating up Ferman Flaxseed, and leaves. So do Sister Margaret-Mary-Anne-June-July and the nuns. Ferman Flaxseed is beaten up and weak from the fight]
Yakko: You should go hit the shower!
[They throw him into the quick drying chocolate. He gets covered in chocolate]
Wakko: Make sure to wash behind your ears!
[They dunk him in quick drying chocolate. He becomes a chocolate bunny]
Dot: He's so cute!

Sister Margaret-Mary-Anne-June-July: [in an Irish accent] I know all of us here at the orphanage want to thank the Warner Brothers --
Dot: And the Warner sister!
Sister Margaret-Mary-Anne-June-July: [in an Irish accent] ...for donatin' this lovely chocolate Easter Bunny to the children!
[Kids cheer as they rush toward the chocolate bunny]
Yakko: Wait'll they get to the creamy filling!
[Warner Siblings wave their eyebrows]

Warner Siblings: The crankiest of critters in the whole wide word, the next cartoon features Slappy the Squirrel!
Slappy: [opening the door] Eeeeenough of the singing already! [closing the door]
Warner Siblings: That Slappy!

Slappy: We're going to Tumcumcari, New Mexico.
Slappy: Why?
Slappy: To meet Bumbie's Mom.
Skippy: Bumbie's Mom? She's... WAAH!
Slappy: ...Pavlov would love this kid.

[Bumbie's Mom gets shot, causing Skippy to drop his popcorn]

Bumbie: Mommy?
Skippy: [Starts to tear up] Bumbie's Mommy... WAAAAAAH!
Slappy: [surprised out of her nap] Pat, I'd like to buy a vowel! [She then stares at the crying Skippy]
Skippy: WAAAAAH! Bumbie's Mommy!
Slappy: Calm down kiddo, it's just a movie, she not really...
Skippy: [Not listening his grand-aunt]...dead, she's dead. Bumbie's an orphan! WAAAAAAAAAH!
Rude Woman: [Looking over] What is that child's problem?
Slappy: Me, and in about 2 seconds, you're going to share that problem.
Rude Woman: Well, I never!
Slappy: Well, you should, it's fun. [She pushed the Rude Woman back to her seat]

Hello Nurse: Would you like anything?
Slappy: Perhaps a sedative?
Hello Nurse: Huh? I don't get it.
Slappy: Go away.
Yakko and Wakko: Hello, nurse!
Slappy: That was pointless.

Wally Llama/Where Rodents Dare [1.09][edit]

[Open on The Himilayas. Triumphant music plays in the background]
Narrator: The Himalayas. The largest mountains on the face of the Earth. [Fade to an "Up this way" sign, outside Mt. Gesundheit] And here, high atop Mt. Gesundheit, lives the wisest creature in the world. The great Wally Llama, knower of all that is knowable. People from all over the globe seek his advice, for there is no question he does not have an answer to.
Wally Llama: So, you see, Miss MacLaine, there is no way you could have been Kaye Ballard in another life. She is a Winter, and you are definitely an Autumn.
Shirley MacLaine: It's true! There is no question you don't know the answer to. Oh, thank you, Wally Llama. [kissing Wally Llama on the lips] Mmmm . [She skips away]
Wally Llama: Huh, boy, what a dumb question. Phew! [He goes back inside his temple. He puts a "Closed" sign on his door] All day long questions, questions. I'm sick of questions! I will answer no more questions today.
[He goes into his meditation room. He sits down on his cushion, pulling on a rope. A T.V. set pops up. He watches a Western, sighing]

[Outside the temple, The Warner Siblings are walking up the stairs to The Temple of Wally Llama. They sit down on a step, tired, exhausted, panting]
Yakko: Phew. That's worse than sweating to the oldies.
Dot: But not as annoying.
Yakko: True, no Richard Simmons.
[Dot pants. Wakko Eats snow, then turns to see The Temple of Wally Llama]
Wakko: Hey, there it is! The temple of Wally Llama!
Dot: C'mon!
[The Warner Siblings run up to the doors. Yakko rings the doorbell]
Yakko: Wow. Just think, siblings, soon we'll know the answer to the most important question in the whole wide world.
[Wakko Eats more snow. Yakko rings the doorbell]
Wally Llama: Go away! [all Warner Siblings sniff themselves and shrug. Yakko rings the doorbell again] I said, "Go away"! I am missing Baywatch.
Wakko: But we have a very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very- [Yakko jabs him with his elbow] important question to ask you.
Wally Llama: I'm sick of questions! Everybody always wants to ask me a question. [mockingly] "Oh, Wally Llama, I have a question". "Oh, Wally Llama, why is this?" "Why is that?" [angrily] No! I am not answering anymore questions today!
Yakko: How come?
Wally Llama: That's a question! And I'm not answering it. So there! [slams door]
[Yakko rings doorbell]
Dot: This is fun!
Wally Llama: WHAT?
[The Warner Siblings put on a slide show]
Dot: Oh, great Llama, we have journeyed 8,000 miles through rain, sleet, and snow.
Wakko: I got sick in Phoenix.
Dot: We humbly request that you answer our one, tiny, ever-so-important question.
Wally Llama: Well... [angrily shouting, blowing Dot away] NO! [slams door]
Yakko: Our new friend.

[Wally Llama speaks Nepalese as he angrily walks back to his meditation room. He sits back on his cushion. He turns the T.V. back on]
TV Salesman: New White and Bright will get your clothes whiter and brighter than new. Just look!
[The Warner Siblings all pop out of the "White and Bright Detergent" box in the commercial]
Wakko: Please, answer our question!
Wally Llama: No! And get out of my TV. [He turns off the T.V. He angrily gets up and walks to his door. He opens the door to see The Warner Siblings at it]
The Warner Siblings: [singing, as Wally Llama screams while his eyes grow big] Llama, Llama, Llama, my question answer, please. [Wally Llama slams the door, then runs to another door. He opens the other door to see The Warner Siblings dancing] When we hear the answer, we promise that we'll leave! Hey!
[Wally Llama slams the door]
Wally Llama: Ooh, a thousand pities on me.
[The Warner Siblings come out of his hat and kiss him]
Dot: Come on, Mr. Llama head,
Wakko: Just one itsy bitsy question?
Wally Llama: NO! [He pours The Warner Siblings out of his hat, then runs away]
Dot: Your mouth may say "No".
Wakko: But your eyes say "Yes".
[The Warner Siblings chase him]

[Wally Llama runs out of his temple. He hides behind a column, peeking out from behind it]
Wally Llama: Wait a minute. I am the great Wally Llama, the wisest being on Earth. I must use my smarty-brains. [He thinks] Ah, I know where they will never find me. [He claps. He teleports to the clouds, floating in air, repeating "Llama" many times. Yakko Pokes Wally Llama] What?
Yakko: What're you doing?
Wally Llama: I'm hiding from the puppy children.
Yakko: Puppy children?
Wally Llama: Oh, golly, yes. They have long ears like that, and beady black eyes like that, and white faces like a spooky clown, and- [suddenly realizes that The Warner Siblings have found him] GAHH! [He falls, trying to levitate again, but crashes into the ground] Llama.
[The Warner Siblings floats down to him]
Yakko: So, how about that question?
Wally Llama: AAH! [He runs away]

Wally Llama: [whistles] Taxi!
Dot: [offscreen, in a male New York accent] Where to, Mac?
Wally Llama: That's a question, I'm not answering it. Just drive! Terrible puppy children are after me! [He turns to see Dot driving the taxi cab]
Dot: Hey! We're not puppies!
Wally Llama: [Screeching like a monkey] AAH! [He runs out of the taxi cab]

[Pinky and The Brain sneak across the screen. Wally Llama runs to his temple]
The Warner Siblings: [offscreen] Hello, Llama!
Wally Llama: AAH! [He runs out of his temple while The Warner Siblings give chase. He falls in exhaustion after fleeing from The Warner Siblings] Go away, please!
Yakko: Okay, fine. We know when we're not wanted. We can take a hint, you know. Come on, sibs. He probably doesn't know the answer to our question anyway.
Wally Llama: There is no question that I do not know the answer to.
Yakko: Yeah, yeah, but you wouldn't know the answer to this one. Just, ah- just forget it.
Wally Llama: But I know. I know everything!
Yakko: No, you don't. Not this.
[Wally Llama runs to The Warner Siblings]
Wally Llama: There is no question in the world I do not know the answer to. Go ahead. Ask me. Ask me.
[Yakko turns to the viewer and waves his eye brows]
Yakko: I thought you weren't answering any questions.
Wally Llama: Well, I'm not. Just this one to prove to you that I know everything.
Yakko: Well, uhh... okay. Here's our question. [leaning in with Wakko and Dot as Dot's eye is briefly seen detached from her face] Why do hot dogs come in packages of 10 and hot dog buns come in packages of 8?
[The Warner Siblings lean in at Wally Llama's face, and wave their eye brows]
Wally Llama: I... I... I don't know. [sweating] I don't know. [as his eyes merge and green swirls form in his eyes] I don't know! [as his pupils dilate] I-I-I-I-I-I- [flapping his lips, using his fingers, as his eyes his eyes merge and green swirls form in his eyes again and turn into swirls] Blblblbbllbi- Ho-hohoho ho ha wha ha! [jumping up and down at The Warner Siblings] I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know! [He flips his lips, then sprouts four heads] Gobble gobble gobble gobble! [All four heads merge back into one head] Kama kama kama kama, rper, llama llama llama! [He speaks Nepalese as he bends the film of the video, and dances away, scattering flowers all over the place]
Yakko: Maybe we should just write Dear Abby.
[Yakko waves his eye brows as the cartoon irises-out]

King Yakko [1.10][edit]

Umlatt: No, no! This is the uniform of a great man!
Yakko: Does he know you're wearing it?
Umlatt: I am Umlatt of Donlikus, and I am here to demand you surrender Anvilania to me! I give you 24 hours to vacate!
Yakko: Vacation already? This is only my first day on the job!
Umlatt: I demand your surrender!
Yakko: I will not surrender! You surrender!
Umlatt: Me, surrender?
Yakko: Okay, I accept. Hand over the keys to your castle.
Umlatt: Don't be ridiculous! I'll go to war before I surrender!
Yakko: Well go ahead, and don't you come back until you've learned some manners, young man!
Umlatt: Very well, you silly child! [throwing his hands into the air] This means war!
Yakko: I thought that meant touchdown?

Arch Bishop: King Yakko, your throne.
Wakko: The throne? How do you lift the lid?
Dot: Since when do you lift the lid?

No Pain, No Painting/Les Miseranimals [1.11][edit]

Pablo Picasso: Oui oui!
Yakko: Pardon?
Pablo Picasso: Oui oui!
Yakko: Boy. The stuff they're getting away with on kid shows these days.

Garage Sale of the Century/West Side Pigeons [1.12][edit]

[The cartoon opens up on a street with garage sale signs everywhere. Camera pans right to Papa Bear's house]
Papa Bear: [counting his $700] 700 big ones. [He looks left and right. He puts the $700 in his shirt. He laughs delightfully]
Customer: 'Scuse me
Papa Bear: Hi, neighbor, what can I do you for?
Customer: [showing him a small wooden pepper grinder] What is this?
Papa Bear: Well, this, uh, this thing, it's a, uh, gribble refiner. Very valuable, one of a kind.
Customer: What's a gribble refiner?
Papa Bear: What's a gri- you refine gribble with it, for heaven's sake. You don't have to buy it, make your own. Enough gribble for everyone.
Customer: Wow! I'll take it!
Papa Bear: Good man! [adding on an adding machine, taking his money, one-by-one] That's $19.95 plus tax, license, destination fee, shipping and handling. Whoops. I forgot research and development. Nice doing business with ya. Bye bye! [tosses him away]
Old lady: [tapping Papa Bear on his right shoulder] Excuse me.
[Camera pans down left to an old lady]
Papa Bear: What can I do ya for?
Old lady: [showing him the action figure with its head popping up on a spring] I bought this from your garage sale an hour ago, and when I got it home, it fell apart.
Papa Bear: It's supposed to that. Gives it character.
Old lady: Oh, no. It's broken, and I'd like my money back.
Papa Bear: Tell ya what I'm gonna do. I'm a fair man, let's compromise. [shouting at her] No refunds!! [throws her away into a tree. Walks away, dusting his hands]
Old lady: That was rude.
Yakko: [reading sign] "Garage sale". [to Wakko and Dot] Must be this way.
[The Warner Siblings run to the garage sale. Wakko runs back to the old lady in the tree]
Wakko: Hello, lady in the tree. [He runs back to his siblings]
Old lady: What a charming lad.

Yakko: [measuring the garage with Wakko's tongue] 22 feet wide. [lets go of Wakko's tongue and it winds back into his mouth, pumps Wakko's tail to jack his neck up to the top of the garage]
Wakko: 10 feet tall!
[Papa Bear counts his cash, but sees The Warners measuring his garage. He puts the cash in his shirt and goes to his garage]
Dot: Oh, Yakko, it's just the perfect size, it'll fit right on top of the water tower!
Wakko: Hey, the owner's coming.
Yakko: [whispering to Wakko and Dot] Remember, sibs, don't let him know were interested, or we won't get a good deal.
[The Warner Siblings whistle and walk around while Papa Bear watches them, suspiciously]
Papa Bear: [blocking them] What are you kids doing?
Yakko: Nah, it's just not what we're looking for, uhh... it's all wrong.
Wakko: You'd have to pay us to take it away.
[Dot and Yakko smile at eachother]
Yakko: But, uhh... I think we could see our way clear to pay you, hmm, what's fair? ¢26?
Papa Bear: What are you talking about?
Yakko: Now, now, none of that. We're not here to haggle. ¢26 is our final offer for your garage. Take or leave it.
Dot: Take it, oh, take it, please, please! [Yakko shakes his head rapidly, waving his finger] Or not. I don't care.
Papa Bear: You kids are crazy. Get off of my property!
Yakko: ¢27, but this is as high as we go for this particular garage. [to Wakko] You'll have to sell your Don Knotts videos.
[Wakko whimpers]
Papa Bear: [pushing them out] The garage is not for sale! [He closes the garage door]
Wakko: Ooh, [grabbing at the garage door opener] can I press the button?
Papa Bear: No!
Wakko: [grabbing onto the garage door opener] Oh, please, please? [Both he and Papa Bear release the garage door opener. The garage door opener smashes]
Papa Bear: Now, look what you've done!
Wakko: [picking up the broken garage door opener] Don't worry, Mister. I can fix it! It'll be good as new.
Papa Bear: Give me that back!
Wakko: I'll fix it, I'll fix it! I'll be right back.
[Wakko runs between Papa Bear's legs, taking the garage door opener to repair it. Papa Bear is on all fours, looking at Yakko and Dot upside down]
Yakko: [holding out a quarter and two pennies] So, how about it, Pally? ¢27. Deal?
Papa Bear: [to Yakko and Dot, walking up to them] What are you kids, nuts? My garage isn't for sale. It's worth at least $20,000.
Dot: Fine. Let's meet somewhere in the middle.
Yakko: [holding out a quarter and three pennies] ¢28.
Papa Bear: Why, you little-! [Yakko and Dot run before Papa Bear can catch them. He chases them all over his front yard] Get outta here!
Yakko: Not until you sell us the garage.
[Wakko uses the garage door opener on Papa Bears roof, raising it]
Wakko: Faboo! [He gets the roof back on the house, nearly crushing the house. He uses it on a trendy couple, turning them upside down. He turns them back right side up. Yakko and Dot run over a door, passing him. He uses it on the door, raising it at Papa Bear. CRASH! Yellow stars, blue stars, and red swirls fill the screen. Papa Bear sees flying white balls. Wakko uses the garage door on the door] Almost got it fixed.
[Yakko and Dot grab Wakko and take him as Papa Bear falls down. THUD! The ground shakes]
Dot: What are we gonna do, Yakko? I don't think he wants to sell.
Yakko: We'll have to try a different approach.
[two women walk pass The Warners. Wakko is about to use the garage door opener on them]
Dot: [taking the garage door away from him, grabbing his left arm] That will be enough of that.
Yakko: Every boy needs a hobby.

[After the auction, Papa Bear sees through Yakko's disguise and pulls off his fake moustache]
Papa Bear: You!
Yakko: Who?
Papa Bear: Get outta here!
Old lady: [offscreen] That's him, Officer!
[Papa Bear turns to see the old lady, a policeman, and an angry mob of angry customers]
Policeman: These people tell me you won't give 'em refunds.
Papa Bear: But, Officer, I've given all my profits to charity. I have no money! [Wakko uses the garage door opener. Money, cash registers, and a piggy bank fall out of his shirt. Papa Bear laughs nervously]
Old lady: [to the angry mob] Get the money!
[The angry mob of angry customers, Batman, Buster Bunny, Babs Bunny, and Dizzy Devil rush towards Papa Bear and beat him up, taking all of their money back. Papa Bear picks up a penny. The old lady takes the penny and sticks her tongue out at him, then leaves]
Papa Bear: [cries] I'm penniless, broke, nothing!
Yakko: [holding out a quarter and a penny] Say, how'd you like to make twenty-six cents?

[The Warners are on top of the water tower with Papa Bear's garage]
Dot: [sighs happily] Our very own garage.
Yakko: [reading paper] Hey, check this out. Tomorrow, some guy's having a yard sale.

Hello Nice Warners/La Behemoth/Little Old Slappy from Pasadena [1.13][edit]

Mr. Director: I'm balled over. That was good. You kids got it. You got that special zingy thing. That thing that only comes from here. [points at Yakko's chest]
Yakko: That's just a spaghetti stain.
Mr. Director: See, that's funny. You're wack-o!
Yakko: No. [grabs Wakko] This is Wakko.
Mr. Director: You're funny!
Yakko: No, I'm Yakko. And, that's Dot.
Dot: Have we met before?
Mr. Director: [crazy voice] Oh! I love these kids! They are so funny! Sweet kids who look like puppies! Flamiel! [normal voice] Where're you kids going?
Yakko: Gen Murray's house?
Mr. Director: You kids are gonna be in my movie.
The Warners: [to audience] Movie?
Mr. Director: Who are you talking to?
Wakko: The people watching on TV.
Mr. Director: Peoples? What peoples? [crazy voice] Hello, nice people in the TV! [normal voice] Hey! I don't see any... where'd they go? Ah, there you are! [crazy voice] Nice kids, we're with the movie gonna do a thing!
[The Warners scream and try to run out the door]
Ralph: Duh! Where are they?
Yakko: [shuts the door] Okay, Mr. Penzoil Head, you talked us into it. We'll do your movie.
Mr. Director: [crazy voice] Oh. You'll do! The mov...! You'll do the! Happy! I am! So much! Oil!
The Warners: [to audience] Be afraid! Be very afraid!

Chalkboard Bungle/Hurray for Slappy/The Great Wakkorotti: The Master & His Music [1.16][edit]

Miss Flamiel: We'll move on to science. Dot, what can you tell me about the great scientists of the 18th century?
Dot: They're all dead!
Miss Flamiel: No, no, no!
Dot: Alright, they're all living!
Miss Flamiel: No, no, no!
Yakko: Well, now we're getting into philosophy.
Miss Flamiel: We’re not getting into phi-… we’ll move on to grammar. Wakko, what is the meaning of the word "procrastination"?
Wakko: I'll tell ya tomorrow.
Miss Flamiel: You children are making this very difficult!
Yakko: Well, learning isn’t easy.

[The Warners jump into their seats & sit quietly. Ms. Flamiel pulls a red marker pen out of her cleavage]
Yakko: Ooh, what else ya got in there?
Ms. Flamiel: Why, you little...! F!!! [Writes an F on Yakko's forehead]
Dot: Hey, you can't do that to him. [Ms. Flamiel writes an F on her forehead]
Ms. Flamiel: F!!! [Dot cries her eyes out. Wakko buries his head in his arms, laughing. Ms. Flamiel glares at him, then writes an F on his hat with a black marker] F!!!
[Wakko stops laughing then stares at the F. Then, he gets very angry & starts to shake his head]
Yakko: Uh, oh. Now you've gone and hurt his feelings.
Dot: I'd apologize if I were you.
Ms. Flamiel: I will NOT! You're horrid, naughty children!
[Growling, Wakko grabs his desk and shakes, steam shooting out of his nose. Ms. Flamiel starts to look worried. Finally, the top of Wakko's hat blows up like a volcano. Ms. Flamiel covers her eyes as Wakko's head explodes offscreen]

Roll Over, Beethoven/The Cat and the Fiddle [1.17][edit]

Beethoven: I am Ludwig Van Beethoven, world famous composer and pianist.
Yakko: You're a what?
Beethoven: A pianist.

Wakko: [after trying to play Beethoven's hearing aide as if it were a brass instrument] Where's the mouth piece to this thing?
Beethoven: It's in my ear.

Pavlov's Mice/Chicken Boo-Ryshnikov/Nothing But the Tooth [1.18][edit]

Narrator: In 1916, the Russian Empire was ruled by Czar Nicholas II, the last in line of the great leaders and not so great leaders. But behind the scenes, the evil monk Rasputin was controlling the Czar with hypnotism. Rasputin forced the Czar to do whatever he wanted, even the most vile of acts.
Czar Nicholas II: [singing] I really like Rasputin, 'Cause I don't realize, I only like Rasputin 'Cause I am hypnotized. Hey! [Rasputin laughs evilly. He claps his hands, freeing Czar Nicholas II from the trance] Why, Rasputin. What are you doing here?
Rasputin: We were discussing my raise, your highness.
Czar Nicholas II: We were? But I just gave you a raise yesterday.
Rasputin: [hypnotically] You want to give me another raise, and, uh, a puppy.
Czar Nicholas II: [hypnotized] Yes. Yes! Why, Rasputin, there you are. I've been looking all over for you.
Rasputin: Oh?
Czar Nicholas II: I want to give you another raise and a puppy.
Rasputin: If you insist, kind Czar.

Narrator: By controlling the Czar, Rasputin had absolute authority over all decisions affecting the Russian government.
Rasputin: I appoint you secretary of cheese, you, keeper of the lint, and as for you, kiss my puppy.
[Politician 3 does so, but then gets bitten]
Politician 3: Aaahhh!
Rasputin: He likes you. Now, take him potty. Bye-bye. [singing, skipping down the hall] La la la la la la la la la la la la la la.
Politician 2: Why, he's insane.
Politician 3: [to Czar Nicholas II] Czar, Rasputin is mad. He's ruining the country. You must fire him.
Czar Nicholas II: [to Politician 3] I like him. You have a puppy on your nose. [He walks away in a hypnotic trance]

Rasputin: Ohhh! Please! The pain! You must help me.
Yakko: Now, you just relax. Don't worry about a thing. Wakko, prep the patient. [Wakko dresses Rasputin in a preppy outfit. Rasputin gasps] Now, that's preppy.
Rasputin: Maybe I'll get another dentist.
Dot: Don't be nervous, kid.
Wakko: Dr. Yakko's the most gentle dentist in the whole wide world.
Yakko: It's just the drill that hurts. [He holds a giant drill]
Rasputin: Oh! Are you sure you're real dentists?
Yakko: To be honest with ya, dentistry's just a hobby. We're actually professional shriners.
[The Warner Siblings race around Rasputin in tiny cars]
Rasputin: Ohhhh! Slow down!
Yakko: Why? Everyone else is Russian around here. [Wakko does a rim shot] Ey, I don't write 'em. I just say 'em. [He grabs Rasputin and puts him in the same tiny car with him, and The Warner Siblings take him for a wild ride out of the room and down the hall] Shriners, halt.
Rasputin: [getting flown off into the dentists chair] Whoa!

Dot: [putting a lobster bib around Rasputin's neck] There. We're ready, Dr. Yakko.
Yakko: [wearing a miner's helmet] Open. [Rasputin opens his mouth] Oh, my.
Dot: Oh, my, my.
Wakko: Eww!
[Camera shows the inside of Rasputin's mouth from the inside]
Warner Siblings: Oh, the humanity!
Rasputin: [jumping out of the dentists chair in alarm] Go away! [He hides in his bed]
Dot: [in a sing-song voice, removing the covers] Rasputin.
Rasputin: I changed my mind. I'm fine. See? It doesn't hurt at all.
Dot: I'm sorry, pumpkin, but that tooth has to come out.
Yakko: [in unison with Wakko, offscreen] We're ready.
[Rasputin gets scared out of his wits, chattering nervously, as Yakko and Wakko hold a giant pair of pliers]
Dot: Come on, Mr. Scaredy Monk. [She takes him back to the dentists chair]
Rasputin: No, no, really. I feel good, honest. The toothache's all gone. [Yakko pokes the tooth] Ow!

[after Wakko straps Rasputin into the dentists chair]
Yakko: We're gonna have to deaden the pain with a little Anastasia.
[Anastasia hits Rasputin with a mallet]
Dot: Obscure joke. Talk to your parents.

Yakko: Wakko, my dental instrument, please. [He blows on the horn] Hmm, flat. Ahh, here we go. [He puts pliers in Rasputin's mouth] I require the aid of my assistants.
[The Warner Siblings strain, trying to pull the tooth out]
Dot: That tooth is really in there.
Wakko: Let's try the string.
Yakko: Old-fashioned, but it just might work. [He ties one end of the string to the tooth] On the count of 3, pull. [The Warner Siblings strain, trying to pull the tooth out] Uhh... I'd better get the dynamite.
Rasputin: [alarmed our of his wits] Dynamite? [jumping out of the dentists chair, fleeing The Warner Siblings] Aah!
Yakko: Was it something I said?

Rasputin: Aah!
Dot: Wait up, Mr. Monk man.
Wakko: We want to help you.
[The Warner Siblings chase Rasputin down the hallway. Czar Nicholas II comes in from the other end of the hallway]
Rasputin: I'll have the Czar arrest those dentists and get me another raise. Czar!
Wakko: There's the string.
Yakko: Hold on. I'm going in. [He grabs the string] I got it! Shriners, halt!
[The Warner Siblings halt, jerking the teeth out of Rasputin's mouth. The Chihuahua puts on Rasputin's teeth]
Yakko: It's a few more than I wanted, but I'm pleased.

Czar Nicholas II: What happened? Rasputin, what are you doing here? The last thing I remember was you asking for a raise. I'm sorry, Rasputin, no raise. That's final.
Rasputin: [hypnotically, mumbling] Look into my eyes. [He covers his mouth, realizing he is toothless]
Czar Nicholas II: What?
Rasputin: [hypnotically, mumbling] I said, "Look into my eyes".
Czar Nicholas II: I don't understand you.
Rasputin: [angrily jumping up and down] I said, "Look into my eyes"!
Czar Nicholas II: Don't take that tone with me.
Rasputin: Listen to me, you stupid Czar!
Czar Nicholas II: How dare you! You're fired! I'll never understand why I kept you around so long. Get out! [kicks Rasputin out]
Narrator: [as Rasputin angrily shakes his fist at Czar Nicholas II, gets up, dusts himself, and walks off in a huff] No longer capable of hypnotizing the Czar, Rasputin was banished forever, and the Czar was free to rule Russia as he darn well pleased.
Czar Nicholas II: I can't thank you enough. All of Russia owes you a great debt. Goodbye.
Dot: Bye-bye, Czar.
Wakko: What a nice man.
Yakko: I see nothing but good things in his future. Of course, I could be wrong.
[Inside the palace, Czar Nicholas II is giving the Chihuahua bones on a pillow]
Czar Nicholas II: [hypnotized] I will give you bones. Bones, bones.
Chihuahua: I may be ugly, but I'm smart.

Meatballs or Consequences/A Moving Experience [1.19][edit]

Yakko: [holding onto Death] We'll all be like a family!
Wakko: Can we call you "Dadoo"?
Dot: Hey, Pop, can we stay up past ten?
Yakko: Can we watch the adult channel?
Yakko and Wakko: Hellooooooo, Nurse!

Hearts of Twilight/The Boids [1.20][edit]

Yakko: [serious voice over] We were each chosen for our unique abilities. That's Dot. Her specialty: Cuteness. That's Wakko. His specialty: The mallet. That's me. My specialty: *Two paddle-balls at once!*
Thaddius Plotz: [referring to a map] Now you have to get from this office here to soundstage 64 here, and stop that director. Any questions?
Dot: Would I look cute as a blonde?
Wakko: Why do cats purr?
Yakko: Who's chubbier, Perry Mason or Scotty on "Star Trek"?

Mr. Director: [crazy voice] Okay! I'm ready for my ending!
Dot: You want it?
Mr. Director: [crazy voice] Oh, yeah!
Yakko: Are you sure?
Mr. Director: [crazy voice] Yeah! Give! Give! Froinlaven!
Yakko: And... action!
Mr. Director: [gets hit in the head by a huge mallet, Crazy voice] That's an ending?
Cameraman: [whispering to Yakko] Microphone was in the shot.
Yakko: Okay, everybody! Let's do it again!
Mr. Director: [crazy voice] Oh no! I don't want that!
Yakko: And... action!
Mr. Director: [gets hit with the large mallet again, is as flat as a pancake, crazy voice] The hurting... the hurting... cut, print, that's a wrap!

The Flame/Wakko's America/Davy Omelette/Four Score and Seven Migraines Ago [1.21][edit]

[after Wakko's America, the "incorrect" buzzer is heard]
Wakko: Huh?
Miss Flamiel: Ohh, I'm so sorry. You failed to put your response to the form of the question.
[Wakko whacks the violin on top of his head and falls unconsciously as Yakko shrugs this shoulders in remorse and Dot spreads her arms wide with pleasure]

Guardin' the Garden/Plane Pals [1.22][edit]

Yakko: [as Ivan Bloski jumps into the ocean and swims away furiously] Friends don't let friends disappear over the horizon alone. [the Warners all jump into a rowboat] Wait!
Dot: Stick around!
Wakko: We're gonna make sloppy joes and rent Don Knotts videos!

Ivan Bloski: This is absurd! You little goons have been bothering me ever since I sat down! Do you know who I am?
Yakko: No. Do you know who *I* am?
Ivan Bloski: No!
Yakko: Then we're even.

Slappy: [to the serpent] You remind me of a very young Scrappy-Doo.
Slappy: Oh, the back door.
Serpent: Colonel Mustard did it in the kitchen. [Slappy opens the door and behind it was a cannon which exploded in the Serpent's face] ...Or was it Miss Scarlett?

Be Careful What You Eat/Up the Crazy River/Ta Da Dump, Ta Da Dump, Ta Da Dump Dump Dump [1.23][edit]

Dr. Scratchansniff: What are you drawing?
Wakko: It's a cow eating grass. [holds up a blank paper]
Dr. Scratchansniff: But where's the grass?
Wakko: The cow ate it.
Dr. Scratchansniff: But where is the cow?
Wakko: Well, he's not going to stick around if there isn't any more grass to eat.

Opportunity Knox/Wings Take Heart [1.24][edit]

Brain: Come, Pinky, we must prepare for tomorrow night.
Pinky: Why, Brain? What are we gonna do tomorrow night?
Brain: Guess.

Brain: Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?
Pinky: Oh, I think so, Brain, but balancing a family and a career? Oh, it's all too much for me.

Brain: Do you realize what we will do with this pollen, Pinky?
Pinky: Um, open a boutique?
Brain: Yes, that's it, we'll open a boutique and sell ladies clothing and pollen.
Pinky: Egad, Brain, what fun! I like this idea, I do!

Hercule Yakko/Home on De-Nile/A Midsummer Night's Dream [1.25][edit]

Yakko: [he and Dot are dressed in detective outfits] Number one sister! Dust for prints! [Dot pulls out a feather duster and Yakko goes over to Wakko, who is reclined in an easy chair] Doctor Wakko, it could be a long night. Better order some pizzas]
Wakko: [picks up a telephone next to the chair] I'd like 42 pizzas, 6 with no crusts. [smiles at camera]
Yakko: [goes over to Flavio and Marita] Now - Do you have any enemies?
Flavio Hippo and Marita Hippo: No.
Yakko: Do you have any creditors?
Flavio Hippo and Marita Hippo: No.
Yakko: Well then... [he runs over to a piano and begins playing it] Do you have any requests? Thank you so much! [picks up a mic and begins singing] Way down, Jack / Upon the Nile River, Jack...
Dot: I found Prince! [she holds the musical artist Prince in her arms]
Yakko: No no no, fingerprints! [He wiggles his fingers]
[Dot looks at Prince, he smiles at her, then puts his head back in a "facepalm". Dot shakes her head to the camera]
Dot: I don't think so. [She tosses him out a window]

[Yakko is reciting Puck's final monologue from A Midsummer Night's Dream while Dot translates]
Yakko: If we shadows have offended, think but this and all is mended.
Dot: If the actors in our show made you mad, it will be okay if you look at it this way!
Yakko: That you have but slumbered here while these visions did appear.
Dot: You fell asleep on your butt and dreamed the whole thing.
Yakko: And this weak and idle theme, no more yielding but a dream.
Dot: There was a hole in the plot you can drive a truck through.
[behind the action, Wakko is picking flowers and is swatted by a group a fairies. He sprays them away with a fire hose]
Yakko: Gentles, do not reprehend...
Dot: Honeys, don't blame us. You could be watching Oprah.
Yakko: If you pardon, we will mend.
Dot: But we're sorry and we promise our next show will be full of funny skits.
[Wakko continues to pick flowers when a very sexy fairy emerges]
Wakko: Hello pixie! [he chases after her]
Yakko: And, as I am an honest Puck...
Dot: I'm not touching that one.
Yakko: If we have unearned luck now to 'scape the serpent's tongue.
Dot: What he said.
Yakko: We will make amends ere long!
Dot: We'll buy you foot long hot dogs!
Yakko: Else the Puck a liar call: So, good night unto you all. [he blows a kiss]
Dot: Goodnight everybody!
Yakko: Give me your hands, if we be friends.
Dot: Applaud if you like us!
[the pixie Wakko has been chasing after comes up behind him enraged. He tries to give her flowers while she tries to swat him with a huge fly swatter]
Wakko: And Robin shall restore amends.
Dot: And the Boy Wonder will save us.
[the Batmobile drives up and the Warners all jump in it, and it drives away]

Testimonials/Babblin' Bijou/Potty Emergency/Sir Yaksalot [1.26][edit]

Yakko: Did you call for the bravest, most daring knight in all the land?
King Arthur: Oh, yes.
Yakko: Well, too bad. You got us.
Dot: What a silly mix-up!

You Risk Your Life/I Got Yer Can/Jockey for Position [1.27][edit]

Dr. Scratchansniff: It's time to play...
Audience: [offscreen, as the words "You Risk Your Life" appear on the screen] You Risk Your Life!
Dr. Scratchansniff: Now, everybody's favorite host, Yakko.
[stock footage of a live-action audience clapping plays]
[Yakko cuts through the curtain with scissors, then slams his head on the stage a couple of times. Stock footage of a live-action audience clapping plays]
Yakko: Thank you. Oh, Scratchansniff. Why don't we bring out our first two contestants?
Dr. Scratchansniff: Okay. She's a homemaker from Madison, Wisconsin. He is the world's greatest philosopher. Please, welcome Mrs. Myra Puntridge und Aristotle.
[The curtain reveals Mrs. Myra Puntridge (actually Elmra Duff from Tiny Toons Adventures), and Aristotle. Stock footage of a live-action audience clapping plays]
Yakko: Welcome to You Risk Your Life. Say the secret word, and Wakko will hit you on the head with a mallet.
Dr. Scratchansniff: [offscreen, whispering] Today's secret word is "Yes."
Yakko: Now, Myra, you're a homemaker, is that right?
Mrs. Myra Puntridge: Oh, correct.
Yakko: What kind of homes do you make?
[stock footage of a live-action audience laughing plays]
Yakko: And, Aristotle, let's see here. It says you are a philosopher, is that correct?
Aristotle: Yes.
[Dinging is heard offscreen, and Aristotle gets hit on the head]
Yakko: Congratulations. You said the secret word. Well, are you both ready to play you risk your life?
Aristotle: Yes.
[Dinging is heard offscreen, and Aristotle gets hit on the head again]
Yakko: You said the secret word again. Congratulations. All right, you've chosen the category "Vocabulary." Here's your question. "What word is the opposite of 'No'?"
[Mrs. Myra Puntridge and Aristotle whisper]
Aristotle: Yes.
[stock footage of a live-action audience clapping plays]
Yakko: That's correct!
[Dinging is heard offscreen, and Aristotle gets hit on the head again]
Yakko: Good night, everybody. See you tomorrow.
Dr. Scratchansniff: Mallet furnished by Bashem and Wallop of Beverly Hills. Good night.

[Slappy Squirrel comes out of her tree, drinking a can of diet walnut soda]
Slappy Squirrel: Aah, diet soda. Heh. Gotta watch my figure. [showing her legs] Hey, somebody's gotta watch it. [She chuckles. She walks away from her tree]
Skippy Squirrel: Where're you going, Aunt Slappy?
Slappy Squirrel: To the store for some buttermilk.
Skippy Squirrel: Speeewww!
Slappy Squirrel: Hey, they make it, somebody's gotta drink it.

[Slappy Squirrel is walking by a white picket fence, drinking her diet walnut soda. She opens a trashcan. Truck-out to Candie Chipmunk's tree. She winces. She throws the can away into Candie Chipmunk's trash can]
Slappy Squirrel: Eww!
[Candie Chipmunk comes out]
Candie Chipmunk: Excuse me!
Slappy Squirrel: You're excused.
Candie Chipmunk: Um, would you mind?
Slappy Squirrel: Probably. [to Candie Chipmunk] Look, I ain't interested in Amway, lady, all right?
Candie Chipmunk: Would you mind removing your can from my trash receptacle?
Slappy Squirrel: Allen Funt is a dead man.
Candie Chipmunk: That is my trash can. I'm sure you must have a trash can of your own.
Slappy Squirrel: Let me get this straight. You want me to take my soda can out of your trash can, walk all the way back over to my tree, and throw it in my trash can?
Candie Chipmunk: That's right. Do you have a problem with that?
Slappy Squirrel: No, but now you do.
[Slappy Squirrel takes the can out of the trash can]
Candie Chipmunk: Thank you so much. Buh-bye.
Slappy Squirrel: You're welcome so much. Buh-bye. [to the viewer] If I were a better person, I'd ignore her and go on with my life. But I'm not. [She cackles]

[Skippy, dressed as a Girl Scout, rings the doorbell. Candie Chipmunk opens the door]
Skippy: Hey, miss lady. Would you like to buy some cookies? All the proceeds go to help Squirrel Scouts to be more like you.
Candie Chipmunk: Isn't that appropriate. I'll take one box. [Skippy winks at the viewer. Candie Chipmunk takes the box and goes inside. Skippy chuckles to himself] I love helping out children less perfect than I. [She opens the box, takes out the can, and gasps. "You're a Horse's Ass" plays in the background. She growls. Wipe to Slappy Squirrel's tree. Slappy Squirrel and Skippy laugh. Candie Chipmunk throws the can at the back of Slappy's head offscreen. Slappy Squirrel's hat lands on Skippy's head]
Slappy Squirrel: Oof! Let the games begin.

[Slappy Squirrel, dressed as a lawyer, rings the doorbell offscreen. Candie Chipmunk opens the door]
Slappy Squirrel: Victoria Sifuentes, attorney at law. My card. [shows card] Ipso facto on this date-o, your late-us Uncle Festoon has passed on and left you this.
Candie Chipmunk: My, my. Oh, why, thank you. [She takes the crate into hertree. She carries it into her living room] I wonder what it could be. [She opens the crate with a crowbar. She looks and searches through the packing peanuts] Aha! [She finds the can, and gasps. "You're a Horse's Ass" plays in the background. She becomes angry, and her teeth break. Wipe to Slappy Squirrel's tree. Slappy Squirrel and Skippy are laughing]
Slappy Squirrel: Skippy, in most cases, revenge is not a good thing. [gets bonked on the head with her can. Slappy Squirrel's hat lands on Skippy's head] In other cases, it's the only thing.

[Candie Chipmunk skips out of her tree to her mailbox. She opens the mailbox. She opens an envelope]
Candie Chipmunk: [reading letter] "Dear Candie Chipmunk, congratulations. You have been chosen to appear on the new game show entitled 'The New Game Show'. Come to the studio right away." Imagine me on a game show. What'll I wear?
[Wipe to The New Game Show. Candie Chipmunk wears corn around her head]
Host: All right, Candie. You've already won a washer-dryer, a wet bar, a lexus, The Love Boat, Cher's house, and the planet Venus.
Audience: Ooh. Aah.
Host: Do you want to keep your prizes, or trade them for something possibly even bigger behind curtain number 3?
[Show girl shows the curtain]
Yakko:[in unison with Wakko] Hello, nurse!
Dot: Boys, go fig.
Candie Chipmunk: I'll take... the curtain!
[The curtain reveals both Slappy Squirrel and the can. "You're a Horse's Ass" plays in the background. Candie Chipmunk shakes with insanity. Cut to Slappy Squirrel's tree as she explodes offscreen as Slappy Squirrel and Skippy watch it on T.V.]
Skippy: She exploded.
Slappy Squirrel: It's a toon thing. [Candie Chipmunk knocks on door offscreen] Shoot me [Candie Chipmunk throws the can at Slappy Squirrel's head from outside the tree offscreen] Look at that, she ain't recycling.

[Scene changes from Summer to Autumn]
Candie Chipmunk: [offscreen] Hup, two, three, four, no can's getting in my door. [Fade to inside. She is marching back and forth, dressed as Rambo, in front of bazooka guns, army tanks, and barbed wire] Hup, two, three, four, no can's getting in my door.
[The doorbell rings. Candie Chipmunk opens the door]
Sister-Margaret-Mary-Anne-June-July: [in an Irish accent] Hello. We're taking collections for the homeless.
Candie Chipmunk: [growls] prepare to eat it, slappy.
Sister-Margaret-Mary-Anne-June-July: [in an Irish accent, screaming, in unison with other nun] Oh, my goodness! Oh, my goodness!
Candie Chipmunk: Ha! Gotcha. [The grenade explodes. All that is left of Candie Chipmunk is her teeth]
Slappy Squirrel: She reminds me of a very young Wilma Flintstone.

[Scene changes from Autumn to Winter. At Christmas time, Candie Chipmunk is at her typewriter, repeatedly typing "All work and no cans make Candie a dull Chipmunk". Santa Claus comes down the chimney. A surreal suspiciously irritated Candie Chipmunk's eyes roll behind her]
Santa Claus: Ho ho ho, have I got something for you.
[Candie Chipmunk gets out of the chair]
Candie Chipmunk: [sarcastic] Mmmm, a present, from Santa Slappy? Let me guess, could it be... A CAN?
Santa Claus: Being the jolly representation of the holidays isn't what it use to be. [He scurries back up the chimney]

[Scene changes from Winter to Spring. Candie Chipmunk comes out of her tree, skinny and tired. "The Dance of the Reed Flutes" from "The Nutcracker Suite" by Pytor Tchaikovsky plays, at the same time a semitone lower, as Candie Chipmunk, looking skinny and tired, walks over to Slappy Squirrel's tree. She knocks on the door. Slappy Squirrel opens the door]
Candie Chipmunk: [tired with insanity] I've been waiting, and waiting, and waiting! I can't take it any longer! Give it to me! Give it to me! Give it to me!
[Skippy Drops an anvil on Candie Chipmunk offscreen]
Slappy Squirrel: What about the plot, Hemingway? What's an anvil got to do with this story?
Skippy: Who cares? Anvils are funny!
Slappy Squirrel: Kids, what the heck can you do? Watch a pro, Skippy. [presents the can wrapped up like a baby] Congratulations, you're a mother.
Candie Chipmunk: [stunned from the anvil] Really? [folds back blanket and sees the can, then grins goofily] He looks just like his father.
Slappy Squirrel: Now, you and Mr. Dumpster have a happy life. Buh-bye.
Candie Chipmunk: Burp for mommy.
Slappy Squirrel: Now, for that buttermilk.
Skippy Squirrel: Speeww!
Slappy Squirrel: It could be worse. It could be prune juice.
[Skippy turns to the viewer and shrugs. Fade to black]

Moby or Not Moby/Mesozoic Mindy/The Good, the Boo and the Ugly [1.28][edit]

[Cartoon opens up with a high-angle shot of the clouds, which move to reveal The Pequod as "Blow the Man Down" plays in the background. Cut to a shot of The Pequod. Cut to the deck. Ishmael is wiping the deck]
Yakko: [popping out of a barrel] So this is The Love Boat. [to Ishmael] You must be Doc.
[The Warner Siblings pull out lounge chairs and sunbathe]
Ishmael: Call me Ishmael.
Yakko: Call me Ishtar.
Wakko: Call me irresponsible.
Dot: Call me any time, but not collect, okay, big fella?

Yakko: [to Queequeg] Hi, we're stowaways. Are you gopher?
Queequeg: No, I Queequeg.
[The Warner Siblings sniff him]
Yakko: Sorry to hear that. Next time, don't eat so many prunes.
Wakko: [pointing to a flag with a prohibition symbol over Moby Dick] Hey, look. They've got miniature golf onboard.
[The Warner Siblings hit the golf balls]
Warner Siblings: Fore! [The golf balls bounce all over The Pequod until they hit Captain Ahab's door]
Captain Ahab: Who dares disturb my brooding? [He grabs Starbuck by his collar] Starbuck, have you sighted Moby Dick?
Starbuck: Ach! Negative, Captain. We must quit this mad quest.
Captain Ahab: Ye craven bilge rat. We'll search for Moby Dick until-- what?
Yakko: Captain Stubing, you mind if I steered the boat so we can go water-skiing?
Captain Ahab: What? Yes. Go away. We'll search for Moby Dick until the seas dry up and the fish flop around in their underwear because all the water's gone. We'll search until-- huh? [The Pequod tilts] What in the name of Neptune's pantry? [He sees Yakko at the helm] Give me that wheel at once!
[Yakko gives him both the wheel and the helm]
Yakko: You're the Captain.
Captain Ahab: Whoa! [Captain Ahab spins around, then spins towards the barrels knocking them down like bowling pins at a bowling alley. The Warner Siblings help him up] Who are ye?!
Yakko: We're The Warner Brothers, Captain Stubing.
Dot: And The Warner Sister. Say, would you see if there's anything stuck in my teeth?
Wakko: You know, if you shaved your beard, you'd look just like Ernest Borgnine.
Captain Ahab: Mark ye well that I am Captain Ahab. Cursed by vengeance to roam the seas until I find Moby Dick. You stowaways earn your keep aboard The Pequod. Now find me a white whale.
Dot: Okay.
Yakko: Look. A white whale.
Captain Ahab: Where? Where?
The Warner Siblings: [singing] Monkeys always look! Monkeys always look!
Captain Ahab: Stop your tomfoolery. Find me that whale!
Yakko: Thar she blows!
Captain Ahab: Where? Where?
[Dot plays a trumpet]
Dot: [as Louis Armstrong ] That's high C on the high seas. Yeah.
Yakko: So, what do you say, Cap? Let's look for something else now.
Dot: [in normal voice] Yeah. Who cares about a white whale? Let's dress up like ghosts and scare the crew.
Captain Ahab: Don't ye understand? All I live for is to catch Moby, and destroy him for his oil, conquer him for his blubber, stomp on his big whale head and make perfume from his brain.
Yakko: Captain, you've gotta go on shore leave more often.

[After the "Captain, You're a Dummy" Song]
[Moby Dick swims toward The Pequod, leaping over it]
Captain Ahab: Get Moby Dick. All hands stand to. Man the longboat!
Yakko: Or woman the short boat. That way, everybody's covered.
[Captain Ahab and The Warner Siblings jump into a row boat]
Captain Ahab: Stroke.
The Warner Siblings: You have a cute beard.
Captain Ahab: Stroke.
The Warner Siblings: you have a wonderful voice.
Captain Ahab: Stroke.
The Warner Siblings: Have you ever considered a career in radio?
[The Warner Siblings row]

Captain Ahab: Vengeance is mine at last. [He splits the row boat in half, using the spear] Begone!
The Warner Siblings: Oh, Captain Ahab, don't look behind you.
[Captain Ahab turns to see Moby Dick behind him]
Captain Ahab: [nearly losing his balance on the front end of the row boat] Whoa-- w-w-whoa. So long, Moby Dick. [He throws the spear at Moby Dick. Moby dick catches it, uses it as a toothpick, then kicks the spear away, using his tail. Captain Ahab is now nervous]
Yakko: Hey, Captain Ahab. Tell Moby all about stomping on him, and making blubber cakes and stuff out of his oil.
Captain Ahab: [chuckling nervously] Oh, I was just funning the youngsters about all that. I certainly wasn't serious-- [swimming away for his life, scared out of his wits] Aah! [Moby Dick chases him, then eats him. Captain Ahab screams. Inside Moby Dick's mouth, Captain Ahab lights a match, then a lantern, and sits down on a broken mast]
Pinocchio: Say, nice leg.
Captain Ahab: Get me out of here!
[Moby Dick is swimming away]
Wakko: So long, Captain Ahab.
Dot: Enjoy your new home!
Yakko: Don't play around Moby's blowhole. Alas, we're alone, adrift on the open ocean without food, water, or facial moisturizer.
Wakko: That's right, kids. Always remember, a moisturized face is a happy face.
Dot: Isn't there a single ship anywhere that will take pity on us? [sobs] Any ship will do.
[The RMS Titanic, The SS Edmund Fitzgerald, and The S.S. Minnow pull up on all sides]
Skipper: [offscreen] Hey, little buddies.
Yakko: We shoulda been more specific.

[Lee, Eli and the bartender watch Chicken Boo walk in, in his hat and poncho. Only the bartender knows that he's obviously a chicken]
Eli: You know who that is? The Man with No Personality. Some say he robbed a bank and saved a puppy at the same time.
Lee: So is he for the law or agin it?
Eli: Nobody knows. Cause he ain't got no personality!
Woman: Some say that high plains drifter is a giant chicken.
[startled, Eli spits out a mouthful of spaghetti]

Hot, Bothered, and Bedeviled/Moon Over Minerva/Skullhead Boneyhands [1.29][edit]

Satan: Little fools! I am Beelzebub! Lucifer! The Reaper of Souls! The Really Angry One! I AM SATAN! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Dot: So that's nothing! I'm: [rasping, sinister voice] Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca Banana Fanna Bobesca the Third! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! [normal voice] Just a little thing I do.
Satan: You blundering dolts! Don't you realize you've entered the fiery realm of Hades?!
Wakko: Hades? [Dashes back up to the surface, brings back a snowball, sets it down, and watches as it quicky melts] Boy, they were right! It didn't have a chance!
Satan: SILENCE! And now, prepare to suffer indescribable torment!
Yakko: Another Bob Hope special?
Satan: Worse!

Satan: Cerberus my pet, toss these fools into the Lake of Fire. But slowly. I want to watch them wiggle in agony.
Yakko: How about if we just wiggle here?

Yakko: Hey, does George Hamilton know your tan's better than his?
Satan: SILENCE! I don't want to hear another peep from you!
Warners: Peep-peep-peep-peep-peep-peep-peep-peep--!
Warners: [pause] Peep-peep-peep-peep-peep-peep-peep-peep-peep-peep-peep!!!

Draculee, Draculaa/Phranken-Runt [1.30][edit]

[The Warner Siblings tunnel underground. Yakko pops up like Bugs Bunny]
Yakko: I know we're not rabbits, but it's a Warner tradition.

Yakko: [mistaking Transylvania for Pennsylvania] Pennsylvania, home at last! [to Wakko] Since we're cartoons, we were drawn, so it stands to reason Mom and Dad must've been pencils. So let's start the search for our family tree.
[A thunderstorm starts. A lightning bolt strikes a tree, burning it to a crisp]
Dot: I hope that wasn't it.
[The burnt tree is now ashes]
Yakko: On second thought, let's start the search tomorrow. I'm tired.
[Wakko peppers a rock and eats it]
Wakko: I'm hungry.
Dot: I'm cute.
[the boys glare at her]
Dot: Hey, I can't help it if I'm cute.

Yakko: [to Dracula ] Does Batman know you're wearing his cape, so badly?

Count Dracula: [to his skeleton valet] Don't wait for me. [He walks with cloak wrapped around] Aah. Ignorant little travelers. It's been many years since any have come willingly to me. Who are you?
Yakko: [in unison with Wakko] We're the Warner Brothers.
Dot: And the Warner Sister.
Yakko: [to Count Dracula, as Wakko takes a pocket watch out of Count Dracula's pocket] Does Batman know you're wearing his cape, so badly?
Wakko: I'm Wakko. [He kisses Dracula] Did you miss me, huh?
Count Dracula: Please. You're washing off my Old spice.
Dot: I'm Dot, but you may call me princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca Banana Fanna Bo Besca, the third. Tee hee. [Count Dracula sees the blood vessels in Dot's neck. Says Type O, unleaded 87 octane with marks. Dracula looks close, each of his hands connected] I get this from guys all the time. [Count Dracula looks closer at Dot's neck, making it stretch] Snap out of it!
Count Dracula: Ahem. I am Count Dracula!
Yakko: Didn't you used to teach math on Sesame Street?
Count Dracula: Stop your silly chatter and enter. The night is long and I hunger for company. [The Warner Siblings dash off, leaving him on the floor. He growls, and the door slams in his face]

[Dracula repeatedly bangs on the door]
Wakko: [talking about Dracula] That guy sure dresses funny.
Dot: This is Pennsylvania, Wakko. He's probably Amish.
Yakko: I'll handle him. I saw Witness twice. [He opens the door for Count Dracula. He clears his throat] Greetings, good Amish farmer. How's it going with thee? Is there a place hither where we may sleep yon?
Count Dracula: Impudent child. You can't make a fool out of me.
[Yakko dresses up Count Dracula in a fool outfit]
Yakko: Well, you can't blame a guy for trying.
Count Dracula: Puny mortals. Now witness the power of the undead. [He turns into a big bat as "Night on Bald Mountain" by Modest Mussorgsky plays in the background]
Yakko: Neat trick.
Wakko: [flying like a bat] Hey, look at me. I'm a bat too.
Count Dracula: You are not a bat.
Wakko: Oh, you're right. But this is. [He whacks Count Dracula with a baseball bat with a face and wings on it, sending him falling to the floor in a Batman logo-shaped hole. Count Dracula climbs up out of the Batman logo-shaped hole, seeing bats]
Count Dracula: Oh, I'm not well.
Yakko: Good farmer, mayest we see-eth our rooms now?
Count Dracula: Why, certainly. Walketh this way. [He walks clumsily. The Warner Siblings imitate him]

:Count Dracula: You boys will be sleeping in the, uh, Mary Poppins suite. It's very cozy. [A monster growls inside]

Yakko: Sounds like Howard Stern.
Count Dracula: [patting Yakko's head] Uh, yes, the plumbing is old. Now, nighty-night. [He opens the door and forces Yakko and Wakko in. He comes out, locking the door] Whew. [He turns to reveal Yakko and Wakko on velcro on his back]
Yakko: Velcro.

[Count Dracula is about to bite Dot's neck]
Yakko: Hey, whatcha doing, mister? You gonna suck her blood? Empty her tank? Turn her into one of your legion of zombie vampires who only live to do your evil bidding? Or are you gonna make out and play kissy face and hope your dad doesn't butt in and ground you? Huh? How about it, mister?
[Count Dracula tries again, but Dot wakes up and punches him in the jaw, then brushes his teeth. Count Dracula tries again, but Yakko, dressed as a doctor, takes his teeth out]
Dot: [wearing Count Dracula's teeth] Yoo-hoo! What do you think? Do they make me look like Sheena Easton?
[Count Dracula puts teeth back on]
Count Dracula: Foolish little whelp. Now, you will learn the meaning of eternal slumber.
Dot: Slumber? As in slumber party? Let's! [The Warner Siblings dress Count Dracula up into pink clothing. He gasps] Know any dreamy guys?
Yakko: Tell us.
Wakko: Oh, please, please.
Dot: Let's play with makeup.
[Wakko dusts Count Dracula's face, Yakko puts on eyelid coloring and eyebrows,and Dot puts on makeup, and a bowtie. Wakko shows Count Dracula a mirror]
Count Dracula: [screams] Get away from me, you little monsters.
Dot: Wait! We were just about to order pizza and tell ghost stories.

Count Dracula: [opening his coffin] Peace, at last. [He screams]
Yakko: [coughing] Hast thou any coffin drops? [Count Dracula groans, grunts, throws The Warner Siblings away, then goes into his coffin. Yakko tries opening the lid] Hey, he's locked in.
Dot: Oh, no. He'll suffocate.

Count Dracula: [sighs]
[Wakko gets a chainsaw and cuts the coffin in half]
Yakko: Hangeth on, kind farmer. We shall saveth thee.
[Wakko opens the halves to reveal Count Dracula cut in half]
Wakko: Oops. [He giggles, then puts the two halves together again. Count Dracula roars, growling, cornering The Warner Siblings]
Count Dracula: Your lives here have ended.
Yakko: True, mister Amish man, for we must check out. 'Tis morning!
Count Dracula: [whimpers] And me without my sun block.
[Count Dracula goes back into his coffin. Yakko plays "Reveille" on a trumpet]
Dot: Wakey wakey! Rise and shine. [She puts an alarm clock in Count Dracula's head] We'd like waffles and a big cheese wheel for breakfast.
[Wakko crows like a rooster. Count Dracula roars and debris flies. The Warner Siblings flee as the mansion collapses]
Yakko: Boy. Who knew the Amish could have such explosive tempers?
Dot: You know, Yakko, maybe this isn't Pencil-vania after all.
[Wakko eats a rock]
Yakko: You're right, Dot. We never should have taken that left turn at Kennebunkport. Come on!
[The Warner Siblings tunnel underground]]

[The Warner Siblings tunnel underground. They pop up in Tasmania ]
Yakko: Uhh. Pencil-vania, at last. Homeland of our ancestors.
Taz: [doing his trademark tornado entrance, jabbering, then blows raspberry. He screams, then tornadoes away as the "Taz-mania theme" plays in the background]
Dot: This is Tasmania, not Pencil-vania.
[Wakko eats the map]
Yakko: Let's face it. We need a new map.

O Silly Mio/Puttin' on the Blitz/The Great Wakkorotti: The Summer Concert [1.31][edit]

Rita: [about Katrina] Poor kid's living in a dream world.
Runt: Yeah, dream world. So sad.
Rita: She really believes her dad's waiting.
Runt: Very sad.
Rita: That human's long gone.
Runt: Sad.

Chairman of the Bored/Planets Song/Astro-Buttons [1.32][edit]

Dot: [after Pip suddenly leaves] It's too quiet!
Yakko: [chasing after him] Pip! Come back! Tell us another story!
Dot: Tell us more about bologna!
Wakko: Have you ever met Don Knotts?

Cartoons in Wakko's Body/Noah's Lark/The Big Kiss/Hiccup [1.33][edit]

Noah: [checking animals on the ark] Bunnies... where are the bunnies?
Buster Bunny: Hi, I'm Buster Bunny.
Babs Bunny: And I'm Babs Bunny.
Buster Bunny and Babs Bunny: No relation.
Noah: I should hope not, this is a children's show.

Clown and Out/Bubba Bo Bob Brain [1.34][edit]

Thaddeus Plotz: A clown is my friend.
Dr. Scratchansniff: A clown vill not bite me und throw me in the basement.
Thaddeus Plotz: A clown will not bite me and throw me in the basement.
Dr. Scratchansniff: A clown is not a big shpider.
Thaddeus Plotz: A clown is not a big spider.

Very Special Opening/In the Garden of Mindy/No Place Like Homeless/Katie Ka-Boo/Baghdad Cafe[1.35][edit]

Yakko and Wakko: Hi. We're the Warner Brothers.
Dot: And the Warner Sister.
Yakko: And we'd like to invite you and all the members of your household-
Dot: to gather around the TV set and join us now-
Yakko: for a very special episode of Animaniacs.
Dot: And what's so special about it?
Wakko:: I'M NOT WEARING ANY PANTS! [He covers his other parts of the body with his sweater]

[outside the Warner Bros. studio. Camera closes in on a building labeled "ANIMANIACS TEST KITCHEN" Explosion goes off inside. We look inside the building and we see the Warner siblings in the kitchen]

Yakko: Welcome to the Animaniacs Test Kitchen. We're cooking up something really

different for today's show. All we need are our ingredients. A dash of Pinky and the Brain, A cup of Slappy Squirrel, A tablespoon of Goodfeathers, Add Rita, Runt, then swirl. We add a pinch of Hippoes, Buttons and Mindy too. Now top it off with Skippy Squirrel, What's that make?

Warners: Animaniacs Stew!
Wakko: What did we come up with?
Yakko: Just watch.

[The camera zooms into the pot]

Critical Condition/The Three Muska-Warners [1.36][edit]

[Slappy's cartoons have just received terrible reviews from Lean Hisskill and Codger Eggbert]
Skippy: Those mean men! How could they say such horrible things?!
Slappy: Now Skippy, it's a free country. Everyone's entitled to his own opinion.
Skippy: But they're wrong! You're the funniest cartoon character ever!
Slappy: Calm down, Skippy.
Skippy: We can't let 'em get away with it, Aunt Slappy! [runs to a closet and comes out with bandoleers of bullets and a pair of small missiles] Let's get em!
Slappy: Skippy, no! What are you thinkin'?
Skippy: [looks sorry] Oh. You're right, Aunt Slappy... [goes back into the closet, and pulls out an even bigger pair of missiles] We'll need the big bombs!
Slappy: That's better, kid! C'mon, let's blow 'em to Kingdom Come!

Spellbound [1.38][edit]

Merlin: Sonny Tufts, Sonny Bono, Lorna Luft, Yoko Ono, Paula Abdul, Chip and Dale, Hillary Clinton, Quinton McHale, I win, you win, Edwin Newman, Lee of Kathie, Regis Philbin! [after the explosion and smoke clears] Lo! I've created a nice pie.

Of Nice and Men/What a Dump/Survey Ladies [1.43][edit]

Survey Ladies: Would you like to take a survey?
Yakko: No. Would you like to take a hike?!

Wakko: That was kind of fun!
Yakko: Yeah, like waiting in line at the DMV!

Windsor Hassle/...And Justice for Slappy [1.45][edit]

Queen Elizabeth II: Put some elbow into it! We must have this room ready for the banquet tonight! Chop-chop!
Prince Edward: Really Mummy, why do we have to redecorate the banquet room?
Queen Elizabeth II: Because we used up the rest of the budget on the rest of the castle. Now back to work!
Princess Anne: I'll never be queen!
Prince Andrew: [holding his paintbrush backwards] My paintbrush doesn't work!
Princess Sarah: Twit.
Queen Mum: I don't want to do this poop anymore! I want some tea!

Queen Elizabeth II: Now, we would like you to begin work immediately.
Wakko: ...Who's like us to begin?
Queen Elizabeth II: We would. Us. Ourselves.
Wakko: [jumping up on Queen Elizabeth and looks down her throat] How many people you got in there? Hello? HELLO?
Queen Elizabeth II: Get away from us!
Yakko: She needs therapy. [plants the queen on a therapy couch]; Alright Sybil, whom I'm speaking to now?
Queen Elizabeth II: We insist that you stop this! You people are crazy!
Yakko: Look who's talking.

Turkey Jerky/Wild Blue Yonder [1.46][edit]

Miles Standish: [to the Warners] Be gone pests and give me the bird!
[referring to their turkey]
Yakko: We'd love to really, but the Fox censors won't allow it!

Yakko: [pretending to be a psychologist] So tell me about your hamster, Petey was it?
Miles Standish: Oh Petey, how I didist love that hamster so, I tooketh him to bed with me every night you know!

Mobster Mash/Like Titicaca/Icebreakers [1.48][edit]

Don Pepperoni: [to Mobster henchmen] Show these kids the door!
Yakko: That's OK, we can see it from here. [Mobster henchmen pick the Warners up and carry them bodily to the door] Ooh, nice door.
Wakko: Faboo!
Dot: Great hinges.
[camera changes to outside the restaurant as the Warners are thrown flying out the door]
Yakko: [to his siblings] Was it something we said?

Yakko: So what'll it be Daddoo? The calamari or the squid?
Don Pepperoni: The calamari is' squid.
Yakko: Well, how 'bout the pasta or the noodles.
Don Pepperoni: The pasta is noodles.
Yakko: Well, would you like red sauce or marinara?
Don Pepperoni: Marinara is red sauce!
Yakko: Zucchini or squash? Ham or prosciutto? Drink or beverage?
Don Pepperoni: [yelling] They're all the same!
Yakko: [to Dot] Do you realize this eliminates more than half of our menu?

'Twas the Day Before Christmas/Jingle Boo/The Great Wakkorotti: The Holiday Concert/Toy Shop Terror/Yakko's Universe [1.49][edit]

Yakko: So 'twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
Dot: Some creatures was stirring
Wakko: Including a mouse!
[points at Pinky and Brain]
Brain: Tonight my dear Pinky our plan is unfurled, we'll steal Santa's sleigh and take over the world!
Pinky: Brain you're a genius, you simply astound me [accidentally hits Brain with a sack he's carrying knocking him off the tower] Narf Brain's gonna pound me!

Dot: The stockings were hung so our names clearly showed...
Wakko: In hopes that old Santa would leave a wide load,
Yakko: Mwah! Goodnight, everybody!

Dot: [after Ralph who's dressed as Santa Claus crashes through their ceiling] He was dressed all in furs with a glaze in his eyes, 'cuz the fall knocked him silly
Ralph: [dazed] Duh, happy Easter you guys!
Wakko: His face how it twinkled, his dimples how merry
Dot : His cheeks were like roses
Yakko: [pointing at Ralph's belly sticking out his shirt] His gut that was scary!

A Christmas Plotz/Little Drummer Warners [1.50][edit]

Yakko: [to the chorus girls] Hello nurses, say why don't you stop by the water tower and I'll show you my stamp collection.
Chorus Girl: [giggling] But Yakko you don't have a stamp collection.
Yakko: [puts his finger under her chin] Alright then you can open my mail.

Branimaniacs/The Warners and The Beanstalk/Frontier Slappy [1.51][edit]

[Cartoon opens up outside Slappy's tree. Truck in. Fade to inside. Skippy walks down stairs]
Slappy: Mornin', Skippy.
Skippy: Hi, Aunt Slappy. What's for breakfast?
Slappy: A brand new cereal from Smellogs, Branimaniacs. [She shows him the cereal]
Skippy: Wow, we're on the box!
Slappy: That's right, kiddo.
Skippy: Do we get paid for that?
Slappy: You don't... but just look at what's inside! [Pouring the cereal into the bowl, in slow motion] Branimaniacs is chock-filled with tasty bran, crunchy fiber, natural roughage and...tiny sugar cubes shaped like my head. [She sets it onto the table, with a carton of milk, a plate of bacon, eggs, and half of a lemon] It's an important part of this balanced breakfast. So dig in, Skippy. [She pours milk on both of their Branimaniacs]
Skippy: You bet! [He eats the cereal]
Slappy: And remember to start your day with Branimaniacs for that get up and go feeling.
[Both eat the cereal, gulp, and, suddenly, their stomachs rumble. Then they shake, and shake again as their eyes merge]
Skippy: I gotta get up and go.
Slappy: I'll race ya.
[They both run in opposite directions. Cut to Warners dancing next to giant cereal box]
The Warner Siblings: [singing] Eat Branimaniacs. Nutritionally, it lacks, but this cereal attacks all of your digestive tracts. It's Branimani-
Slappy: [speaking, looking sick] My stomach's in pain-y
The Warner Siblings: [singing] Branimaniacs!

Narrator: [in a Sterling Holloway-esque voice] Once upon a time, in a land far, far away. [camera pans right to a village] No, much farther than that. [camera pans right to another village] No, further still. [camera pans right, then comes to a screeching halt to pan left back to another village] Uhh, here we are. Anyway. In this land far, far, far, far away, there was a village of poor, but happy people. [A man drives his ox-pulled wagon down path] The villagers were poor, because they were terrorized by a giant, who lived in the clouds.
[Ralph the Giant steps on road, man screams, and runs away. Ox runs away]
Ralph the Giant: Duh, vroom, vroom! Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh! Vroom! He he he he he heh! [He puts wagon in pocket, takes moose out of forest] All the dinky treasures of the world are mine! [He laughs, takes tree, uses it to dust house, and takes house from ground. People run away, screaming]

Narrator: [in a Sterling Holloway-esque voice] Also in this village, lived the three Warners. The Warners were so poor, they had to sell their only possession. A dried up old cow.
[Cow turns to The Narrator, grunting]
Yakko: There's the used cow salesman now. Let me do the talking. [Dismouning cow] Excuse me, but would you be interested in buying our cow? Steers like a dream.
Salesman: Well, uhh... I don't know.
Yakko: How 'bout buying Wakko? [He holds Wakko up]
Wakko: Why me? [He shows sparkly eyes]
Yakko: 'Cause Dot gets more letters.
[Dot writes signatures, puts them into letters, then sees Wakko angry at her]
Dot: I can't help it if I'm c-ute!
Salesman: Okay, tell ya what. I'll give ya a bean for that cow.
Yakko: [getting in The Salesman's face] Bean? A bean? You should be ashamed of yourself. Why, she's worth at least, uhh... three beans.
Salesman: Deal. [He and Yakko shake hands, and holds out 3 beans. The Cow eats the three beans]
Dot: There goes our 3 bean salad.
[Cow struggles, spits beans into hole. Beanstalk immediately starts grow as The Cow and The Salesman scatter]
Yakko: [to the viewer] Beans'll do that to ya. [The Warner Siblings scream, and get pushed into the clouds. They get zipped into a bean pod. Yakko unzips, and Wakko spits] Huh. That's the last time I ever travel by bean.
Dot: [poking Yakko's arm] Look! [She points to the castle]
[The Warner Siblings walk to the castle]
Narrator: [in a Sterling Holloway-esque voice] And sure enough, The Warners had arrived at the giant castle.
[The Warner Siblings go to door]
Yakko: Looks like Aaron Spelling's house.
Harp: [singing offscreen] Free me, free me, Won't you rescue me? The giant sleeps before he wakes. Come in and rescue me.
Yakko: Are you pretty?
Harp: [offscreen] Yes!
[Yakko and Wakko look to each other excitedly]
Yakko: We'll be right there.
[Wakko drags grappling hook out of bag]
Dot: Is there a handsome man in there too?
Harp: [offscreen] No.
Dot: I'll wait out here.
[Wakko throws a grappling hook onto the inside. Yakko and Wakko pull the rope down, making the door fall down. Dot reads a magazine before getting dragged inside by Yakko and Wakko]

[The Warner Siblings are inside the castle]
Dot: This must be Tori's dressing room.
Harp: Hello. Please save me.
Yakko: [in unison with Wakko] Hello, Harp! [solo] She's a dream! [He floats up with cartoon hearts popping like bubbles]
Wakko: She's a pretend. [He floats up with cartoon hearts popping like bubbles]
Dot: She's a woman with a harp stuck to her back! Boys. [She sternly walks up leg of table]
[Wakko plays harp]
Harp: O-hohohoho, oh, uh, that tickles! [gripping Yakko's chin] If you rescue me, you'll be greatly rewarded. I'll give you 4 beans, and a goose.
Yakko: [stern] How lucky can we get ?
Harp: [gripping Yakko's chin] Ooh, but this goose is very special. It lays golden eggs.
Yakko: A little fibre in its diet, and it won't do that anymore.
[Wakko picks up goose, looks under, puts it down again, confused. He shakes goose]
Wakko: It's broken. [goose gasps, then poops out a golden egg] I fixed it!
[Camera trucks-in to Ralph the Giant's bedroom. Ralph the Giant wakes up, yawnning]

Harp: Please, we must leave before the giant wakes. Lower me safely to the floor.
[The Warner Siblings push The Harp off the table. The Harp screams as she falls. landing on the floor offscreen]
Warner Siblings: Oops.
[The Harp is irritated. She gasps, seeing Ralph the Giant behind The Warner Siblings]
Ralph the Giant: A-ha! I got teeny-weenies in my house! [He puts face at level of The Warner Siblings]
[The Warner Siblings panic and shout. Dot points hand, Yakko babbles and bounces, and Wakko spins, then revert]
Warner Siblings: [calm, enthusiastic] Hi!
[Ralph the Giant picks up The Warner Siblings and the goose and sniffs them]
Ralph the Giant: Pea-pie-poo-kerplot, I smells Yakko, Wakko, and Dot!
Yakko: Don't you mean, "Fee-fi-fo-fum"?
Ralph the Giant: Yeah, but it don't rhymes with "Dot".
Dot: You know, you really should pluck those unsightly nose hairs. [she pulls a nosehair out]
Ralph the Giant: Oow! Uh, dat smarted me!
Yakko: I doubt it.
Ralph the Giant: Now, I's gonna eat you teeny-weenies (puts on apron).
Yakko: Eat us?
Dot: You don't wanna eat us?
Wakko: We taste awful
Warner Siblings: Bleugh!
Yakko: Hmm... [clicking is heard as a light bulb appears. He, Wakko, and Dot huddle and whisper among themselves] We know what you want.
Ralph the Giant: You does?
Warner Siblings: Uh-huh.
[Wakko makes the goose poop out a golden egg. Yakko cracks it, and pours the yolk and egg white into the pan with heater, then shakes it. Dot gets canned meat out of a tin container, and drops it onto tiny plate while Yakko gets eggs on the plate]
Yakko: [rhyming à la Dr. Suess] I'm sure you'll love this, have a seat. Here's your meal, gold eggs and meat.
Ralph the Giant: I does not like gold eggs and meat. It's you who I would like to eat. [He puts a lid over them and takes the plate to the cupboard. He opens the cupboard, only to find The Warner Siblings in it. Yakko is holding a plate of ice cream]
Yakko: Would you like them À La Mode?
Wakko: [lifting his hat to reveal a toad] Would you like them with a toad?
[Toad croaks]
Ralph the Giant: I would not like them À La Mode. I would not like them with a toad. I does not like gold eggs and meat. It's you who I would like to eat.
[Wakko puts his hat back on and pulls down the next scene. Ralph the Giant is on top of a mountain during a rainstorm. Lightning strikes twice]
Wakko: [holding out a cod] Would you like them with a cod?
Yakko: [giving Ralph the Giant a metal rod] Holding up a metal rod?
Ralph the Giant: [holding the metal rod] I would not like them with a cod, holding up a metal rod. [The Warner Siblings jump off him. Lightning strikes the metal rod and Ralph the Giant, exposing his skeleton. He falls off the mountain, landing on the forest] I does not like gold eggs and meat. It's you who I would like to eat.
[Ralph the Giant is on The San Andreas Fault. An arm holding a "San Andreas Fault" sign sticks out then draws back in. The Warner Siblings are standing inside a door]
Dot: [sprinkling salt on the gold eggs and meat] How about with a dash of salt?
Yakko: On The San Adreas Fault?
[An earthquake shakes, splitting The San Andreas Fault. Ralph the Giant falls into The San Andreas Fault]
Ralph the Giant: No, not with a dash of salt, on The San Andreas Fault. [The earthquake reunites The San Andreas Fault, trapping him] I does not like gold eggs and meat. It's you who I would like to eat.
[Ralph the Giant is in Tokyo, Japan. The people are panickedly fleeing from him. The Warner Siblings arrive in a rikshaw, with Wakko pulling the rikshaw]
Wakko: Would you, could you in Japan?
Yakko: With Godzilla and Rodan?
[Godzilla (actually The Dragon from "Sir Yaksalot") and Rodan arrive and on each side of Ralph the Giant]
Ralph the Giant: I would not, could not in Japan, [pushing Godzilla and Rodan away] with Godzilla and Rodan. [Godzilla breathes fire on him, roasting him black. Rodan flaps his wings, blowing him away to an island] I will not like gold eggs and meat. It's-
Warner Siblings: [in unison] Us that you would like to eat.
[Dot pulls the film reel to the next scene. They are on top of the cloud outside the castle]
Yakko: Eat them, eat them on a cloud.
Ralph the Giant: Oh, all right, for crying out loud! [He takes the plate and swallows the meal] Mmmmm! Gold eggs and meat I do not hate.
Yakko: But now those clouds won't hold your weight.
[Ralph the Giant starts to sink through the cloud]
Ralph the Giant: Gee, I never thought about that. [He falls through the cloud, crashing into the ground bellow, taking some of the land down with him] Fee-fi-fo-fum, I fall down and hurt my bum.

Narrator: [in a Sterling Holloway-esque voice] And, so, with the giant gone, the poor village became a wealthy suburb. [The same man with jewelry rides past The Used Cow Lot, waving mutually. The Harp and The Warner Siblings are on stage with The Mayor] And the heroic Warners were richly rewarded for saving the village.
Mayor: As Mayor of The Village of The Happy and Rich, I am proud to present the three Warners with... [reaches in pocket as The Warner Siblings look in anticipation] Five beans, and Merv Griffin's autograph.
[The villagers applaud offscreen as Yakko is given items]
Yakko: [annoyed] Doesn't anyone ever get cash in fairytales?

[A harmonica version of "Home on the Range" plays in the background. A butterfly flies to a trail. "Kentucky wilderness 1767" appears on the screen, then disappears. A blue rabbit and a purple rabbit hop into view, sniffing eachother, and the ground. Suddenly, a tree is falling. They hop away. Suddenly, the song changes to upbeat music. A swarm of bees flies for their lives. One bee stops to look left and right and flies to the swarm as Daniel Boone drives his oxen-driven wagon, pushing down a tree]
Dover Boys:[singing offscreen] Daniel Boone was a great big guy. Yes, a really big guy. He knocks down trees and frightens off bees so they'll cry.
[A swarm of bees flies up as Daniel Boone knocks down a couple of trees, using his wagon. A bee flies into the camera, with the inside of his mouth filling the screen. Wipe to Daniel Boone, hopping off his wagon]
Boone: Kentucky at last! I'm gonna build me a little log cabin right here, then a log cabin for my oxen, then a summer cabin. The only thing I love more than building cabins is chopping down trees. [He chops down a tree] Birch is good wood for clothespins. [And another...] This oak'll make a dandy shelf.
[And several more... Wipe to Daniel Boone and his wagon outside Slappy Squirrel's tree] Well, I'll be kissed by a wolverine, a bessemer elm! That's the best wood around for makin' a front door.

Dover Boys:[singing offscreen] Daniel Boone saw a great big tree. An attractive tree. But he didn't know it was home to a squirrel named Slappy.
[Inside, Slappy and her nephew, Skippy, are making candles over a cauldron of hot wax]
Skippy: How come we're making so many candles, Aunt Slappy?
Slappy: Skippy, it's the 1700s. What'd you expect? Rollerblading?
[Suddenly, the tree begins to shake]
Skippy: What's that?
Slappy: Maybe my colon. I hope not. I'll go find out. [Slappy goes outside to find Boone chopping down her tree] Hey! You break this tree, you're gonna pay for it!
Boone: Looky here, you old squirrel. I'm Daniel Boone, the best frontiersman that ever lived!
Slappy: Well, I'm Slappy Squirrel, and I'm so old my blood is solid. What are you doing to my tree?
Boone: I'm fixin' to make it into the front door of my new cabin. Now, git, or I'll make a cap out of ya!
Slappy: [slamming the door] I got yer cap right here.
Boone: No old squirrel's gonna stand between me and my cabin!
[As Boone keeps chopping, Slappy peeks out of an upper window, holding a cauldron of hot wax]
Slappy: Excuse me, Boone? Is there any chance you might find another tree?
Boone: NO!
Slappy: I was hoping you'd say that. [Pours hot wax on top of Boone, freezing him mid-swing] Maybe he can rent himself out as a menorah. [laughs]

[Boone ties a rope around Slappy's tree and then ties it to his oxen]
Dover Boys: [singing offscreen] Daniel Boone had a great big plan. Yes, a very large plan. He'd fix that squirrel by yanking her treehouse from the land.
Boone: Pull, you lazy, good-for-nothing critters! [He slaps his oxen on the back and they start pulling at the tree] Reckon this'll teach that old squirrel that I'm the king of the wilderness. [Suddenly, the rope goes limp] Huh? [He turns around and sees Slappy and the oxen holding picket signs]
Slappy: What do you say? We won't dray! What we want is an eight-hour day!
Boone: [angry, turning red] What in blazes are you doin'?!
Slappy: Call me Norma Rae, or Barbara Rae, but I unionised your team.
Boone: Get back to work, you dumb slabs of hide!
[The oxen glare down at Boone, who smiles sheepishly, before pounding him into the ground with their picket signs]
Ox: Management.

[Boone sneaks up to Slappy's tree under cover of a bush]
Dover Boys: [singing offscreen] Daniel Boone had another big plan. Yes, a crafty plan-
Boone: SHH! [laughs] I'm gonna give that squirrel my famous panther call. She'll think a real panther is coming and run out of that tree like a fat badger. [laughs]
[Boone does a weak imitation of a panther roar. Inside, Slappy and Skippy are churning butter]
Skippy: [sarcastically] Gee, Aunt Slappy, a panther.
Slappy: [sarcastically] You think so? Maybe we oughta run for our lives. [Boone roars again. Slappy walks out the front door and churns the butter onto the ground near the bush] I'm running away like a fat badger! [Boone peeks out of the bush and comes face to face with a real panther who roars in his face. Boone tries to run away but slips on the butter. He cries out in pain as the panther starts mauling him] The panther's in my bridge club.

Dover Boys: [singing offscreen] Daniel Boone was very, very sore. Yes, painfully sore. He picked a log and charged Slappy Squirrel's front door.
[Boone attempts to ram Slappy's door open, but she opens the door and trips him up, sending him into a spinning wheel which launches him and the log back out]
Skippy: Who was that, Aunt Slappy?
Slappy: Maybe a flying Wallenda, I'm not sure. My eyes are bad.
Boone:[dazed after hitting a tree] Daniel Boone was a great big guy....

[Boone has come up with yet another idea to cut down Slappy's tree by crudely disguising himself as a woodpecker]
Dover Boys: [singing offscreen] Daniel Boone was a big dang bird. Yes, a really big bird. But he didn't know that his disguise was pretty absurd.
Boone: Quiet, you dadgum idiots! This is a dang good disguise. [laughs] That old squirrel will think I'm just a big woodpecker. I'll chop down this tree right in front of her.
[While using his disguise to peck at the tree, Slappy is serving Skippy when she and the tree get shaken by Boone's pecking]
Slappy: There's no rest for the elderly. [Opens door] Hey, are you Daniel Boone?
Boone: Shoot, no! I'm a big woodpecker.
Slappy: Get out of here with that woodpecker thing there. You're Boone.
Boone: No, I ain't. My daddy was a big woodpecker, and his daddy before him. Can't you see how I'm a-peckin' at your tree for bugs and such? [Looks innocent]
Slappy: I guess you really are a big woodpecker.
Boone: Dang straight!
Slappy: Then, here, I made you some woodpecker lunch.
[Slappy offers Boone a plate full of live bugs, including a dungbeetle]
Boone: [nervously disgusted] That's... right neighbourly of you, ma'am.
[Forced to keep up his charade, Boone eats the bugs, his face turning green as his chews]
Slappy: Yeah, there's nothing like dead bugs mixed with manure, dirt, and rotten bark, eh, Woody?
[Boone finally retches, covers his mouth and runs off into the distance]
Dover Boys: [singing offscreen] Daniel Boone was a great big guy. Yes, a big sick guy. He lost his lunch all over the trees and sky.
Slappy: That's nice singing. They remind me of Up with People.

[Boone is seen putting gunpowder underneath Slappy's home tree in an attempt to blow up both her and the tree]
Dover Boys:[singing offscreen] Daniel Boone was a great big jerk. Yes, a stupid jerk. He had another dumb plan that more than likely wouldn't work.
Boone:[offended] That ties it! You boys are fired! COME ON DOWN FROM THERE AND GIT!
[A rope ladder drops down from the top of the screen. The Dover Boys - Tom, Dick, and Larry - climb down the rope ladder, revealing themselves to Boone]
Tom: Hey, what's the big idea? You can't just fire us!
Dick: Yeah, who do you think you are?
Larry: Hey, we got rights, you know.
Dick: Wait a second!
Larry: We got a contract!
Tom: Our agent said...
Dick: Yeah, my agent said the same thing. Come on, this is ridiculous.
Tom: Yeah, what's going on here?
Boone: I said, "GIT"! I'm going to blow this here tree and that old squirrel sky high, and I don't need no dang smart-alec chorus!
[The Dover Boys leave, climbing up a wooden ladder out of the tunnel as Boone pours a trail of gunpowder leading from the barrels to just outside the hole. Then he lights a match] If I can't have that tree, then nobody's going to have it! [He lights the match and hides in his wagon. He laughs] Now, there's gonna be a big hole in the ground. I could make it into a root cellar, or a... root cellar.
[The trail burns up and there's a large explosion... under the wagon]
Slappy: Hey, Boone! I moved all your gunpowder! It was attracting ants!
Boone: [screams as he's blown into space] Shoot, dang. OH! [He comes crashing back down to Earth]
Slappy: Yeesh. Bet that left a crater.

[At the end, Slappy and Skippy are drinking tea by the fireplace]
Skippy: What do you want to do tonight, Aunt Slappy?
Slappy: How about a little music, Skippy? [to The Dover Boys] Hit it, boys.
Dover Boys:[Singing] Slappy Squirrel was a grand old dame. Yes, a grand old dame. She whipped Daniel Boone, now she pays us to sing of her fame.
Slappy: What can I say? I love the lyrics.

Ups and Downs/The Brave Little Trailer/Yes, Always [1.52][edit]

Wakko: Hey, you wanna hear a joke?
Dr. Scratchansniff: No! I don't like ze jokes, Wakko!
Wakko: Not even a knock-knock joke?
Dr. Scratchansniff: NO!
[Wakko and Dr. Scratchansniff sit quietly for a moment]
Wakko: It's really funny.
Dr. Scratchansniff: Oh, alright, fine. One joke.
Wakko: Knock-knock!
Dr. Scratchansniff: Who's there?
Wakko: Max!
Dr. Scratchansniff: Max, who?
Wakko: Max wants to come in and go crazy!
Dr. Scratchansniff: [looks at the audience, confused, then back at Wakko] Well. Okay, now that's not really a joke, is it? You see, because it makes no sense.
Wakko: It does if you know Max.
Dr. Scratchansniff: But I don't KNOW Max!!
Wakko: If you did, you'd be laughin'!

Brain Meets Brawn/Meet Minerva [1.54][edit]

Brain: Do it, Pinky!
Pinky: Look, the cloud looks like a big pomegranate!
Brain: Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?
Pinky: Egad, Brain. It worked!
Brain: [getting angry] Pinky!
Pinky: I think so, Brain, but if they called them Sad Meals, kids wouldn't buy them!
Hyde: Sugar?
Pinky: No Brain, you'll bop me!
Brain: Hello in there, Pinky!
Pinky: Egad, Dr. Jekkyl's turned himself into that fierce Mr. Hyde again, Brain!
Brain: Pinky, make me angry!
Pinky: Brain, I didn't mean for us to fall, I'm sorry! No, wait, Brain! Narf! I didn't apologize yet!
Brain: [irate] Pinky, you're making me angry!
Pinky: Dislodge the pallet... [runs up and pulls at the wrong part]
Brain: Exactly, Pinky. As they say in rustic circles, bottoms up!
Pinky: [frightened] Ah, sorry I angered you, Brain!
Brain: NO, PINKY! The pallet!
Pinky: Sorry, Brain!
Constable: 4:00!
Brain: We stop the clock, we stop the world! YES!
Constables and Mr. Hyde: Tea time!
Brain: Now...make me mad!
Pinky: Egad, Brain, brilliant! Wait, no,'d have to be a hulking muscular giant to stop that clock, Brain!
British Guard: [referring to Brain's beast form] Americans...
Brain: Yes, if only I could find a way to use that savage strength...
Pinky: Is it working, Brain? Any changes? You tingling? Itching, feeling anything? Do you, do you, do you?
Brain: [irate] Quiet, Pinky! You're angering me! Now, please...
[all of a sudden, The Brain is experience tingling and discomfort whilst Pinky backs away, Pinky backs up into the corner, watching Brain grow in size, gaining muscle]
Pinky: Naaaaarrf!
Brain: Hmmm, I transformed when you angered me, and transformed back when you apologized. That's it! Anger me, Pinky!

Of Course, You Know This Means Warners/Up a Tree/Wakko's Gizmo [1.57][edit]

Runt: Rita, wake up!
Rita: Are we in Chicago?
Runt: No, this is Nebraska, definitely Nebraska. Or Kansas. Definitely Ohio.
Rita: Ya blew it, Runt.

Runt: Rita, you need help?
Rita: No no, no, I'm happy as a pig come to supper.
Runt: Okay Rita, have fun. I gotta get the fly! [leaves]
Rita: Wait! I... can't... get down...

Oh, Oh, Ethel/Meet John Brain/Smell Ya Later/Spike [1.58][edit]

Dr. Scratchansniff: Yakko, it's time to take the inkblot-test. Now, tell me... [shows an inkblot] ...what does this remind you of?
Yakko: Girls.
Dr. Scratchansniff: [shows another inkblot] What does this remind you of?
Yakko: Girls.
Dr. Scratchansniff: [annoyed, shows him one more inkblot] What does this remind you of?
Yakko: [analyzes the inkblot] Uhhhhhhhhhhhh, girls.
Dr. Scratchansniff: Grrr! You are obsessed with GIRLS!
Yakko: Hey, you're the one showing me all the sexy pictures.

Stinkbomb: It's our sworn duty to chase 'em, catch 'em, and shake 'em like rag dolls!
Bumpo: Why?
Stinkbomb: I dunno. It's what we do.

Ragamuffins/Woodstock Slappy [1.59][edit]

Slappy: ["The Who" is playing on Stage] Skippy, what's the name of the Band, playing on Stage?
Skippy: Who.
Slappy: The name of the Band.
Skippy: Who.
Slappy: The Band, playing on Stage.
Skippy: WHO!
Slappy: THE BAND!
Skippy: No Aunt Slappy, "The Band" performs later, "WHO" is on Stage!
Slappy: You tell me.
Skippy: Who.
Slappy: The name of the Band.
Skippy: Who.
Slappy: The Band playing on Stage.
Skippy: Who.

Slappy: Get some sleep, you need to be well rested for tomorrow.
Skippy: Why, what're we doing tomorrow, Aunt Slappy?
Slappy: Napping all day if I have anything to say about it.

Karaoke Dokie/The Cranial Crusader/The Chicken Who Loved Me [1.60][edit]

Willie Slackmer: I'm... trying... to fill... their lives... with joy.
Yakko: [imitating Slackmer] Then you... should stop singing... right now.

Brain: Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?
Pinky: Well, I think so, Brain. But I can't memorize a whole opera in Yiddish.
Brain: Pinky, you are a threat to tolerance.

Baloney & Kids/Super Buttons/Katie Ka-Boom: The Driving Lesson [1.61][edit]

Baloney: [holding a paper plate, with a face drawn on it in front of his own face] Guess who. [laughs]
Wakko: Is it Abraham Lincoln?
Baloney: [laughs] No.
Dot: Hmm... could it be Nancy Kerrigan?
Baloney: [laughs] No.
Yakko: Is it a big, fat polyester dinosaur, who's the color of an international house of pancakes, with a paper plate over his face?
Baloney: No. It's me, Baloney!
The Warners: You're kidding!

Yakko: [after Baloney is hit by an anvil] Who's dropping those anvils anyway?
[the camera pans upward to reveal both Princesses of Props and the Prince of Props]
Princess of Props #1: Take us with you!
Princess of Props #2: Don't leave us, please!
Prince of Props: Free us from the lumpy thing!
All: Take us with you! [they leap down into The Warner's arms respectively]
Yakko: Neat-o, complete-o, yippee.

Katie's Mom: Listen to your father Katie, he's got years of experience.
Katie: I KNOW how to drive Mom!

Scare Happy Slappy/Witch One/Macbeth [1.62][edit]

Slappy: Ooh, candy corn!
Skippy: Speew!
Slappy: Hey it could be worse, it could be like the corns on my feet.
Skippy: Speew and a half!

Runt: Those were nice pilgrims we stayed with, definitely nice.
Rita: Yeah, well we'd still be there if you hadn't chased away their turkeys.
Runt: I forgot. Definitely forgot why I did that.

The Judge: Good morning, witch!
Witch Hazel: Uh, me?
The Judge: No, you old wombat, the shopkeeper.
[Witch Hazel walks away whistling]
Shopkeeper: But Judge, you know me! I'm no witch!
The Judge: I know you're holding a broomstick! And only witches have broomsticks! Luke! Taylor! Arrest him!

Lookit the Fuzzy Heads/No Face Like Home [1.64][edit]

Dr. Roma: Alright, Miss Squirrel, just relax and watch the monitor, I'm going to show you scenes from Alan Alda movies, you'll be out in no time.
Slappy: Couldn't you just hit me on the head with a hammer?

Skippy: So you're skipping your plastic surgery, Aunt Slappy?
Slappy: Eh, I'll keep my wrinkles. I earned every one of em.
Skippy: But what about your comeback?
Slappy: Forget it. If I have to change my appearance, it's not worth doin'. Skippy, I've learned that looks aren't everything. It's the beauty in your heart that's really important.
Skippy: Gee, aunt slappy, you sound like an afterschool special.
Slappy: You're right, I take it all back.

The Warners' 65th Anniversary Special [1.65][edit]

Yakko: These people will clap at anything.
Wakko: [looks up hopefully] Hey everybody! Wanna hear me play 'Yankee Doodle' on my armpit?
[dead silence]
Yakko: Ah, almost anything.

Bugs Bunny: Plotz was furious about that cartoon. The moment he saw it, he cancelled their contract. Their agent was livid. You could hear them arguing all over the studio.
[Cut to outside The Warner Bros. Studio Administrations Office, circa 1934]
Thaddeus Plotz: [offscreen] That's it! The Warners are through! [As the camera trucks in on The Warner Bros. Studio Administrations Office, Chicken Boo, disguised as Irving "Swifty" LaBoo, is clucking angrily. Cut to Thaddeus Plotz's office. Chicken Boo is clucking angrily] Don't you take that tone with me, LaBoo! [Angrily standing on his desk] The Warners are finished! They'll never make another cartoon in this studio as long as I live! What do you think about that?
[Chicken Boo angrily pecks Thaddeus Plotz on the head. Thaddeus Plotz screams angrily. He angrily kicks Chicken Boo out of The Warner Bros. Studio Administrations Office, angrily slamming the doors. Chicken Boo angrily gets up, clucking angrily and walking off angrily as the "Chicken Boo Theme" plays in the background]

[ John Wayne is shooting a movie]
John Wayne: You can still surrender, pilgrim.
Lee Marvin: Nope. Draw, Sheriff.
John Wayne: Alright, but I warn ya. [He reaches for his gun, but instead of his gun, he pulls out Dot by mistake]
Dot: Bang!
John Wayne: Huh?
Dot: [plants a huge kiss on Wayne's lips] Say you'll never leave me! Say we'll always be together!
[John Wayne screams]