Garfield and Friends
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Quotes from Garfield
- "Neither rain, nor snow, nor gloom of night--nor cat with bad disposition--will stay this clown from his appointed rounds." ~Binky
- Binky: HEEEEEEEEYYYY, CAT!!! I'm Binky the Clown! Is this the home of Mrs. Edna Fogarty?
Binky: I'm here to wish her a happy 97th birthday!
Garfield: If he does, Edna won't make 98.
Binky: "Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday. Whoop-de-doo, whoop-de-doo. May your day be pleasant. Open up your present just for you, just for you!" [from Peace and Quiet]
- "Hold still, little spider, while I squash you with the window. Hey, I know it's kinda cruel, but it's part of my job." - Garfield [from the quickie "Spider"]
- Jon: Well guys, how would you like to experience something real scary?
Garfield: Hmmm, Jon's gonna sing.
Jon: Something so spooky you'll never get over it.
Garfield: Hmmm, he's gonna sing and dance.
- Jon: Don't you realize how wrong it was to try and mail Nermal to Abu Dhabi?
Garfield: You're right. Egypt's further.
- Garfield: Are there any questions?
Audience member: Uh, yeah! Is wrestling fixed?
Garfield: Excuse me. I should have asked, "Are there any intelligent questions? [from All About Odie]
- "Anyone who sings like that should be drug out into the street and shot. Or worse, made to listen to a tape of themselves." ~Garfield [from Garfield's Moving Experience]
- "Garfield's been a very bad dog lately. I'm gonna teach him a lesson she'll never forget." ~Jon [from Mistakes Will Happen]
- Garfield: [to Odie] Can you imagine Pete trying to scare us?
Odie: [actually speaking] I don't know, I'm kinda scared. [from Mistakes Will Happen]
- Jon: Garfield! How did you get here?
Garfield: Knowing you, it was probably economy coach.
- "What luck. Jon finally gets a decent quantity of food in the house and it had to be yogurt." ~Garfield [from Twice Told Tale]
- "You should never say, 'Things can't possibly get any worse.' Things'll always find a way." ~Garfield
- Garfield's "Abu Dhabi" song to Nermal:
Abu Dhabi, it's far away
Abu Dhabi, that's where you'll stay
Abu Dhabi, the place to be
For any kitten who's annoying me, yeah!
Abu Dhabi, it's off the track
Abu Dhabi, now don't come back
Abu Dhabi, it's quite a thrill
For any kitten who can make me ill!
Now some take a train, and some take a plane
But I am sending you
Not on a boat, or even by goat
But in a box marked "Postage Due"
Abu Dhabi, you're what they lack
Abu Dhabi, now you're all packed
Abu Dhabi, a far commute
For any kitten who is too darn cute!
- "That's the mad scientist's assistant, Igor. Mad scientists' assistants are always named Igor. It's, like, a law." ~Garfield
- "For a while, [Binky] even hosted the wrestling matches. The wrestlers complained he was loud, they couldn't study their scripts." ~Garfield [from Binky Gets Cancelled, Again!]
- "You know what the sad part is? This is the sixth time Jon's taken me camping, and it's still the most fun I've ever had." ~Garfield [from The Bear Facts]
- "...Look what you've found. Do you know what this is, Odie? No, it's not a ball. It's the Klopman Diamond. A priceless gem, as well as a pointless running gag on a popular Saturday morning cartoon series." ~Garfield
- TV announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Odie and Friends!
Garfield: Odie and Friends? ...We are very close to the end of civilization as we know it.
Floyd: What a disgusting, insulting, unfair TV show. Bet it's a hit, though. [from Attention Getting Garfield]
- Garfield: Where's the ball, Odie? Stupid creatures love to fetch a ball.
Jon: (angrily walks up with the ball) You're annoying us, Garfield.
Garfield: Like I said.
- Judge: "Order in the court."
Binky: I'll have a ham on rye. Hold the mayo! (laughs)
Garfield: That's the real Binky.
Judge: Arrest that phony!
Stinky Davis: Hey, you can't do this to me! I'll get you for this, cat!
Garfield: The real Binky could never resist a very old joke. [from Binky Goes Bad]
- "In the history of mankind, no two people have ever been able to agree on the toppings for pizza." ~Garfield [from Binky Gets Cancelled, Again!]
- "This will scare the pants off those three or my name isn't June Arburkle!" ~Jon
- "You! You're not Sylvia! You're one of the Kung-Fu Creatures on the Rampage!... Two!" ~Man in the movie Kung-Fu Creatures on the Rampage II [from Video Airlines]
- "If this guy's a lawman, then I'm a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle." ~Garfield [from Speed Trap]
- "A beautiful woman is interested in Jon and you're asking what's wrong? How long have you been on this show?" ~Garfield, to Odie
- "I'll see your horse, and raise you... a grand piano... and the mayor of Davenport, Iowa!" ~Garfield during a game of poker [from The Lasagna Zone]
- "Kids! Check your TV listings. Make sure this isn't the last episode!" ~Garfield
- Floyd: Just remember this moment, Garfield, 'cause there'll eventually come the day you'll beg me to do this show. But you know what? I won't be available. I'll be working for, uh, Disney or somebody.
Garfield: Who's he kidding? Disney's up to here with mice on their contract. [from The Floyd Story]
- "Good morning. Sometimes, on the show, we like to teach you something a little educational. No, no! Don't change the channel! It's not that educational!" ~Garfield
- "Let me think how to solve this. Maybe I can call the Ghostbusters! Nah... that show was cancelled." ~Garfield [from Ghost of a Chance]
- Jon: Garfield, come back here with that! I said you could have a light snack.
Garfield: This is a light snack! A big snack includes soup. [from Beddy Buy]
- "This is much better than sending him to Abu Dhabi, and it saves on stamps." ~Garfield, after locking Nermal in a jail cell [from Well-Fed Feline]
- Jon: We'll go to that new multiplex in town. They have 37 screens.
Garfield: All of which will be showing Kung-Fu Creatures on the Rampage 2. [from Video Airlines]
- "Odie, that is not a watch. That is a head of cabbage. There is a difference." ~Garfield [from Dirty Business]
- Jon: I'll put a stop to this or my name is mud!
Garfield: "Mud" should be back any minute now.
Jon: (returns, covered with mud on his face) Hello, my name is Mud.
Garfield: We were expecting you. [ from Dirty Business]
- Jon: Garfield look at you! You need to get in shape!
Garfield: Round is a shape.
- Garfield: [to viewers] From time to time on this show, we like to bring you something a little educational. [a hand holding a remote control appears, startling Garfield] No, no! Don't change channels! It's not that educational.
- Binky: HEEEEEEEEYYYY, CAT!!! Aren't ya thrilled to see me?!
:Binky: I'm the handyman, who's gonna fix up your house!!
Garfield: Note the worried look on the cat's face. [from Binky Gets Cancelled]
- Garfield (to Odie) Rule number 1 in being a sidekick. Never dress better than the hero. [from The Caped Avenger]
- Jon: It is a great honor to be in your presence, Your Highness.
Sultan: Oh, you don't have to call me Your Highness. Now, you can call me Ali. Or you can call me Wally. Or you can call me Ben. Or you can call me Benny. Or you can call me Ali Ben. Or you can call me Ali Ben, Jr. Or you can call me Junior. Or you can call me Ali, Jr. Or you can call me Sonny. Or you can call me Ali Benny, Jr. Or you can call me Junie. Or you can call Johnny. Or you can call me Benjie. Or you can call me Benjie, Jr. Or you can call me Ray. Or you can call me Jay. Or you can call me Ray Jay. Or you can call me R.J.J. [from Ally Katta and the 40 Thieves]
- Jon: That's not a hot dog! That's a hot dog truck! I hope you feel like a complete idiot! [from the quickie Hot Dog Truck]
- Ralph: I got you this time, dog.
:Garfield: Ahem! (points to himself) Me, cat. (points to Ralph) You, dog catcher.
:Mr. Mendelberg(Ralph's boss): Ralph, put that cat down. You are the most incompetent dog catcher on the whole squad.
:Ralph: But... but Mr. Mendelberg.
:Mr. Mendelberg: One more mistake and you're fired! [from the episode Identity Crisis]
- Jon: I'm making your "Abraham Lincoln's Birthday" birthday cake, Garfield.
Garfield: Leave the beard off this time, will you, Jon? [from The Creature That Lived in the Refridgerator Behind the Mayonnaise, Next to the Ketchup, and to the Left of the Coleslaw]
- Garfield: [ At one point of the nightmare, a king-size giant Garfield (from overeating) gets beamed up by an alien spacecraft] Yoo-hoo! Mr. Spock? Anyone?
Space Creature: Greetings, earth creature. You, no doubt, have questions.
Garfield:Yeah. Got anything to eat?
Space Creature: [checking the cat's plumage] Hmmm... Nice and plump. We did a good job fattening you up with the interplanetary hunger ray.
Garfield: Fattening me up?
Space Creature: But of course, you will be Thanksgiving dinner for the entire planet of Clarion. And there'll be planty left over for sandwiches the next day.
Garfield: Me? Sandwiches?! No. No! I'd make lousy sandwiches! [the ship takes off into outer space] I wanna see Jon again, and Odie! He can have all his dog biscuits! NOOO! [fades back to reality]I'll go on a diet! I'll lose weight! You don't want me for Thanksgiving dinner! My drumsticks have fur on 'em! [feels a familiar lick] No! They're baisting me! They're... [wakes up to find Odie in front of him] I know that slurp! Odie? [from Nighty Nightmare]
- Garfield: [He and Jon step into Dr. Garbonzo Bean's lab to find hundreds of robotic duplicates of Odie.] It's an odie fest! [suddenly gets licked by two Robodies in succession] Just what I needed: a team slurp. [from Robodie]
Quotes from U.S. Acres
- Wade: It's National Don't Mention Meat Or Someone Will Hit You With a Banana Cream Pie Day! If you mention a kind of meat, someone will hit you with a banana cream pie!
Roy: What? You mean I'll get hit with a banana cream pie if I mention, oh say, prime rib? (a pie hits him) That's a lot of baloney! (another pie hits him) Who do I complain to? I have a real beef! (a third pie hits him) Y'know what?! There's just too much at stake! (a fourth pie hits him) I said stake. S-T-A-K-E. Not steak, S-T-E-A-K. (a fifth pie hits him)
(After Roy has quit the show) Wade: Roy's quit for good? Oh, now we are in a stew! (Hit with a pie)
Orson: Wade, that's what you get for being so frank. (Hit with a pie) [from Big Bad Buddy Bird]
- Orson: ...Maybe you'll look like me.
Sheldon: Are you trying to scare me? [from Shell Shocked Sheldon]
- Booker: Roy, why are you playing the wake-up call now? It's nine-thirty!
Roy: I'm on daylight savings' time. [from Return of Power Pig]
- "Hello, I'm Big Bad Buddy Bird. I never agree with the group. I set a bad example for impressionable children everywhere." ~Roy [from Big Bad Buddy Bird]
- Booker: Let's turn [the princess in the changed Cinderella story] into a cowgirl.
Sheldon: No, a spacesuit. She's an astronaut.
Booker: Even better, let's make her a race car driver and she's got an evil twin.
Orson: No, she's a princess and there's only one of her!
[from Bedtime Story Blues]
- "You will lose all your feathers during a total eclipse on Arbor day while listening to The Marine Corps Band playing "Home on the range" and watching a badminton match between two guys named Ichabod." ~Roy's fortune cookie [from Fortune Kooky]
- Wade: Roy, your favorite show is on!
Roy: Garfield and Friends?! [from Badtime Story]
- "And so Chicken Licken, Cocky Locky, Ducky Wucky, Piggy Wiggy, Sheepy Creepy, Lamby Wamby, Puppy Wuppy, Goosey Poosey, Horsey Worsey, Weasel Geasel, Turkey Lurkey, Hawky Tawky, Foxy Woxy, Eggy Leggy, Wooly Bully, Catty Fatty, Beaver Cleaver, Wormy Squirmy, Hoggy Woggy, Rooster Shooster, Fishy Wishy, Apey Wapey, Toady Woady, Mallard Ballard, Hippo Zippo, Mousey Wousey, and Chicky Wicky all went to see the king." ~Wade, reading Chicken Licken
[from Badtime Story]
- Roy: Read to the chicks? I can do that.
Wade: As can I! I wanna read to them.
Roy: I'm going to read to them.
Wade: No, I'm going to read to them.
Roy: Au contraire, ducko.
Wade: I don't care if you can speak Spanish, I'm still gonna read to them!
[from Badtime Story]
- "[The CD is] stuck! That's what I get for buying a stereo from a horse." ~Roy [from Wanted: Wade]
- Roy: At this rate, I'll be done [putting the grain back in the silo] in time for Christmas.
Sheldon: What year?
Roy: That I'm not sure of. [from Unidentified Flying Orson]
- Wade: Everyone thinks I'm a coward, and I resent it.
Orson: Wade, you are a coward.
Wade: That's why I resent it. [from Shy Fly Guy]
- Orson: Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
Roy: No more than usual.
- "You are bullies! You are nasty swines, you are. I would say that you are not fit to eat with pigs, except for the fact that you are pigs." ~Wade, confronting Orson's brothers [from Show Stoppers]
- Orson: Now I'd like to do a little dance for you.
Roy: Don't! My earthquake insurance isn't paid up.
Orson: I am not fat! I have the body of a supreme athlete!
Roy: Well, give it back! You're getting it all stretched out of shape.
Orson: Roy, aren't you supposed to be selling tickets at the door?
Roy: What? And miss my chance to heckle you, Pignose?
Orson: well in that case, I won't dance."[The entire audience applauds] [from Show Stoppers]
- Booker: What do you get when you cross a lasagna-loving cat with a bunch of zany farm animals?
Sheldon: You get picked up for another season. [from Show Stoppers]
- "Man, I wish I had a line in this episode." ~Bo [from Cock-a-Doodle Dandy]
- Roy: Orson! The chickens is missing!
Orson: Shouldn't that be the chickens are missing? You see, chickens is plural, so of course you need a plural verb--
Roy: Oh, great! The weasel has the chickens, and you're teaching grammar! [from The Bunny Rabbits Is Coming!]
- "What do you mean this is the only show you could get me on? Isn't Hanna-Barbera casting? What about cable? I heard they're doing a funny version of Ren and Stimpy." ~Roy, talking on phone to Bernie [from The Incredibly Stupid Swamp Monster]
- Orson: (reading Rumpelstiltskin) After the king let the son out, the little man offered the son a deal.
Rumpelstiltskin (Roy): You can keep your VCR if you can guess my name.
Miller's son (Wade): Guess your name? Ha! That oughta be a cinch! Is it Fred?
Miller's son: Sam?
Miller's son: Elliot?
Miller's son: Jason?
Rumpelstiltskin: No way.
Orson: The son just kept on guessing far into the night...
Miller's son: Irving? Floyd? Ichabod? Michael? Sidney? John? Paul? George? Ringo? Larry? Moe? Curly? Shemp? Howie? Frank?
Orson: ...but without success.
Miller's son: Arbuthnot? Trallfaz? Sting? Prince? Engelburt?
Rumpelstiltskin: Sorry, you only get one more guess.
Pizzaman (Bo): Hey, like, hi there, Rumpelstiltskin. Qué pasa?
Miller's son: I know it! I know your name! Your name is...
Roy: (grabs the book from Orson) But before the duck-son could say the name, a hurricane came up!
Orson: A hurricane!?
Roy: Yes, a hurricane. And it blew the duck away, so he couldn't take his VCR back.
Wade: Uno momento!
Wade: Then a spaceship came by! And it rescued the handsome duck and flew him back to reclaim his VCR.
Orson: Guys, stop this!
Roy: But the rooster was determined to get it back with the aid of his trained dinosaurs!
Orson: Trained dinosaurs? Where did the trained dinosaurs come from?
Roy: Same place all those ninjas came from.
Wade: But then the Third Marine Division landed with their Anti-Trained Dinosaur Squadron.
Roy: But the Mole People were too smart for the Marines!
Orson: Guys! [from The Name Game]
- Wade: (looks at the "U.S. Acres Quickie" logo) Orson, what's a quickie?
Orson: It's a short joke.
Booker: (entering) I don't like jokes about being short!
Orson: Well, it's not a joke about being short, Booker; it's a joke that is short.
Roy: (entering with Bo) But couldn't you do a short joke about someone being short?
Bo: You could even do a long joke about someone being short.
Roy: Then that'd be a long short joke!
Orson: Enough already! A quickie is a joke that's only 45 seconds, and it's--
Sheldon: (entering) Time's up!
Wade: (as the camera fades out) Shucks! I never found out what a quickie was.
- Roy: (considering moving onto the Buddy Bears' show) You [the Buddy Bears] won't hit me with pies?
Bobby Buddy Bear: Oh no!
Billy Buddy Bear: We never hit anyone with pies!
Bertie Buddy Bear: That's not educational and uplifting!
All Buddy Bears: We never do anything that's not educational and uplifting! [from Big Bad Buddy Bird]
- Maurice: I take people into fantasy sequences and show them what the world would be like if they had never lived.
Wade: Oh yeah. Like that movie they show seven million times every Christmas. [from It's A Wonderful Wade]
- Roy: Orson, tell me the name of the new worker in the tool shed.
Roy: Tell me the name of the new worker in the tool shed.
Roy: Who is the guy in the tool shed?!
Orson: No, Who is fixing the roof.
Roy: [grabbing the clipboard] I don't care about the roof! Where is the name of the guy in the shed?
Orson: No, Where is the name of the guy plowing the field.
Roy: Who's plowing the field?
Orson: No, Who's fixing the roof.
Wade: Orson, what is the name of the guy fixing the roof?
Orson: No, What is the name of the guy cleaning the tool shed.
Wade: Who's cleaning the tool shed?!
Orson: No, Who's fixing the roof.
Roy: Who is the guy plowing the field?!
Orson: No, Who is fixing the roof. Where is the guy plowing the field.
Roy: How should I know?! What is his name?!
Orson: No, What is the name of the brother cleaning the shed.
Wade: Whose brother?
Orson: Of course.
Roy: Orson, who is fixing the roof, what is the name of the guy cleaning the shed, and where is the other brother?!
Orson: You finally got it. [from Who Done It?]
- Judge Orson: Wade Duck, you are charged with tearing the tag off a pillow. How do you plead?
Wade: I did it! I did it! I'm glad I did it! [Laughs maniacally] And I'd do it again.
Judge: I sentence you to 9,999 years in prison!
Wade: [Sighs] At least I didn't get life.[from Wanted: Wade!]
- "Warning! Do not remove this tag under penalty of law. Penal code 7756". [The tag Wade pulled off Orson's couch, from Wanted: Wade!]
- Aloysius: Just what do you think you're doing here, may I ask?
Orson: Oh, we're doing our version of the book Doctor Zhivago by Boris Pasternak.
Aloysius: This is a cartoon show, not Masterpiece Theatre. Strike the set! [From Kiddie Korner]
Garfield's Introductory Lines
- "You folks have this confused. I'm real, and you're animated." [from Episode 1]
- "I just checked the TV listings; I'm the only thing on right now." [from Episode 2]
- "Smart kids watch this show; other kids change the channel." [from Episode 3]
- "Maybe not as funny as pro wrestling, but a lot more realistic." [from Episode 4]
- "This show is K-rated - no adults unless accompanied by a kid." [from Episode 5]
- "Pay careful attention, everyone; there'll be a quiz later." [from Episode 6]
- "The Garfield Guarantee - no giant robots or annoying little blue people." [from Episode 7]
- "So if someone wants you to change the channel, kids, just say no." [from Episode 8]
- "Don't forget, kids, look both ways before crossing your teacher." [from Episode 9]
- "Hey, Heathcliff! Eat your heart out!" [from Episode 10]
- "Beware of imitations, accept no substitutes. Batteries not included." [from Episode 11]
- "You notice how every week I say something different here?" [from Episodes 12, 43, 61]
- "Hey you, the kid who missed last week's show: You'd better have a good excuse." [from Episodes 13, 46, 48, 63]
- "I suppose you're all wondering why I asked you here today." [from Episodes 14 and 15]
- "And remember, lasagna is an important part of your nutritious breakfast. " [From Episode 15 in syndicated airings only]
- "And just remember what you paid to get in." [from Episodes 16, 17, 40, and 69]
- "This show has so many mentions of pasta, it'll affect your cholesterol count." [From Episode 17 in syndicated airings only]
- "In the interest of conservation, today's show will recycle most of last week's jokes." [From Episode 18 in syndicated airings only]
- "A funny thing happened to me on my way to my cartoon show." [from Episodes 18 and 19]
- "Hey you, chewing the gum: I hope you brought enough for everybody!" [from Episodes 20 and 21]
- "Eat and be lazy, kids, and someday you'll have your own show too." [from Episodes 22 and 23]
- "Sell your remote control. I'm the best thing on." [from Episodes 24 and 25]
- "I can't believe we get away with this every week." [from Episodes 26 and 27]
- "Today, featuring Binky the Clown, so turn up the volume, kids!" [from Episodes 28 and 29]
- "Don't try any of this at home, kids. We're professionals." [from Episodes 30 and 31]
- "If you don't see this label, you're not watching a genuine Garfield cartoon." [From Episode 31 in syndicated airings only]
- "Wouldn't I make a great ventriloquist? My lips never move." [from Episodes 32 and 33]
- "This offer void where prohibited. Some restrictions may apply. Batteries not included." [from Episodes 34 and 35]
- "We've got to stop that chicken from writing on my logo every week." [from Episodes 36 and 37]
- "Garfield and Friends is taped in front of an animated studio audience." [from Episodes 38 and 39]
- "And a special hello to all you wonderful Nielsen families out there." [from Episode 41]
- "And pay attention; there'll be a test at the end." [from Episodes 42, 59]
- "Garfield and FRIENDS? Who are these friends, and why haven't they brought food?" [From Episode 42 in syndicated airings only]
- "Change channels and you'll never see your dog again." [from Episode 44]
- "Today's show is brought to you by the letter K and the number 9." [from Episode 45]
- "It doesn't start until the fat lady screams." [from Episodes 47 and 55]
- "My lips never move. Wouldn't I make a great ventriloquist?" [from Episodes 49. 65]
- "I'd like to buy a vowel, please." [from Episode 50]
- "In a moment, I'll wave my finger and the music will stop." [from Episode 51]
- "I'll be back right after they sell you stuff." [from Episode 52]
- "Enough of this entertainment jazz; let's have some commercials." [from Episode 53]
- "If any rating services call, we're spelled G-A-R-F-I-E-L-D." [From Episode 54 in syndicated airings only]
- "And today, we're having a half-off sale on Odie, 'cause he's half off." [from Episode 55 in syndicated airings only; the original and DVD versions have none due to an error]
- "Here are some commercials and then, more of me." [from Episode 56]
- "Garfield and Friends will be right back; at least I'll be." [from Episode 57]
- "The Buddy Bears are on the show today, folks, so keep that channel-changer handy." [from Episode 58]
- "Just think of me as like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Pussycat." [from Episode 60]
- "This show is the only possible reason for getting up this early." [from Episode 62]
- "Thank you. You know, a funny thing happened to me on the way to the cartoon show." [from Episode 64]
- "I'm sick of those singers. Can we get some, like, Elvis impersonators for next week?" [from Episode 66]
- "Welcome to my world. Did you bring food?" [from Episode 67]
- "Hey, I'll return the favor. When you get your own cartoon show, I'll watch." [from Episode 68]
- "Serving cartoon watchers the world over since 1988." [from Episode 70]
- "This show is the most fun you can have without marinara sauce." [from Episode 71]
- "When they invented television, this is pretty much what they had in mind." [from Episode 72]
- "I haven't had so much fun since Nermal fell in the mud!" [from Episode 73]
- "The following is made possible by a grant from the Lasagna Manufacturers of America." [from Episode 74]
- "Today's show is dedicated to loyal and courageous pizza delivery persons everywhere." [from Episode 75]
- "If you can find a better show on television, watch it!" [from Episode 76]
- "If this show were any more entertaining, we'd be on pay-per-view." [from Episode 77]
- "If you like this show, tell a friend. If you don't like it, my name is Heathcliff." [from Episode 78]
- "Where else can you get this much comedy for your viewing dollar?" [from Episode 79]
- "The only cartoon show that comes with a double-your-money-back guarantee." [from Episode 80]
- "And for my next trick, I will make the rest of the show magically appear!" [from Episode 81]
- "We're environmentally sound; all of today's jokes are recycled from last week's show." [from Episode 82]
- "Reproductions of the accounts and descriptions of this cartoon show is prohibited." [from Episode 83]
- "And make sure you stick around after the show for the big cast party." [from Episode 84]
- "If you could only watch one TV show this year, this is the one to watch." [from Episode 85]
- "Hey, you could watch some other show, but why would you want to?" [from Episode 86]
- "And don't let your dog watch this show. It's too good for him." [from Episode 87]
- "Today's show is brought to you in color unless the artists ran out of crayons." [from Episode 88]
- "You'll like today's show, folks. No Binky, no Nermal, no Buddy Bears - just a lot of me." [from Episode 89]
- "Today's show is inspected for your safety by number 29." [from Episodes 90 and 95]
- "Don't bother checking NBC, kids. They're not running cartoons anymore." [from Episode 91, although replaced with the quote above it]
- "Everything else you watch on TV this week will just be anti-climatic." [from Episodes 91 and 94]
- "If a tree falls while our sound effects man is at lunch, does it make a sound?" [from Episodes 92 and 93]
- "Penelope's back today, folks. Some women just can't get enough of me." [from Episodes 96 and 97]
- "Critics agree - of all the TV shows on today, this is probably one of them." [from Episodes 98 and 99]
- "Think of a number between 1 and 10. The number you're thinking of is 7." [from Episodes 100 and 101]
- "And keep watching, or we'll have to change into a shopping network and sell bad jewelry." [from Episodes 102 and 104]
- "Today is Hit-a-Duck-in-the-Face-With-a-Lemon-Meringue-Pie Day. We'll explain later." [from Episodes 103 and 105]
- "I was gonna do something spontaneous here, but I've been too busy to plan it." [from Episodes 106, 109, 119 and 120]
- "The cartoon show to watch when you won't settle for just any cartoon show." [from Episodes 107, 108, and 113]
- "The funniest show on TV that doesn't have a 1-800 number to buy cheap junk." [from Episode 110]
- "Today, featuring the return of the Singing Ants. Boy, they have a good agent." [from Episode 111]
- "Penelope is singing today, folks, so don't leave any expensive glassware near the TV." [From Episode 112]
- "Today, a Saturday morning investigative report - where did all those Smurfs go?" [from Episode 114]
- "This show is the answer. Unfortunately, no one's figured out the question yet." [From Episode 115]
- "Today, a look into our writer's joke file! That's right, we examine both jokes!" [from Episodes 116 and 119]
- "The longest-running show on this channel, except for the news which is unfortunately funnier." [from Episode 117]
- "Today, an encore performance of our report 'Are There Too Many Reruns on Cartoon Shows'?" [from Episode 118]
- "After seven seasons, we've pretty much said everything you can say in this spot." [From the final episode]
- Garfield (Voiced by Lorenzo Music)
- Jon Arbuckle (Voiced by Thom Huge)
- Odie (Voiced by Gregg Berger)
- Nermal (Voiced by Desiree Goyette)
- Binky the Clown (Voiced by Thom Huge)
- Herman Post (Voiced by Gregg Berger)
- Dr. Liz Wilson (Voiced by Julie Payne)
- Cactus Jake (Voiced by Pat Buttram)
- AI G. Swindler (Voiced by Carl Ballantine)
- Penelope (Voiced by Victoria Jackson)
- The Singing Ants (Voiced by Ed Bogas)
- Ludlow (Voiced by Don Messick)
- Irving Burnside (Voiced by Gregg Berger)
- Rudy (Voiced by Gregg Berger)
- Moe the Cat Burglar (Voiced by Gregg Berger)
- Madman Murray (Voiced by Gregg Berger)
- Demented Dave (Voiced by Gregg Berger)
U.S. Acres (a.k.a. Orson's Farm)
- Orson (Voiced by Gregg Berger)
- Roy (Voiced by Thom Huge)
- Wade (Voiced by Howie Morris)
- Bo (Voiced by Frank Welker)
- Lanolin (Voiced by Julie Payne)
- Booker (Voiced by Frank Welker)
- Sheldon (Voiced by Frank Welker)
- Mort (Voiced by Frank Welker), Gort (Voiced by Thom Huge), and Wart (Voiced by Howie Morris)
- Fred Duck (Voiced by Frank Welker)
- Worm (Voiced by Howie Morris)
- The Weasel (Voiced by Gregg Berger)
- The Fox (Voiced by Howie Morris)
- The Wolf (Voiced by Gregg Berger)
- Edward R. Furrow (Voiced by Frank Welker)
- Aloysius (Voiced by Kevin Meaney)
- Plato (Voiced by Frank Welker)
- Newton Duck (Voiced by Frank Welker)