Gilmore Girls/Season 2

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Gilmore Girls (2000–2007) is a dramatic television show, created by Amy Sherman-Palladino, centering around the relationship between a single mother and her daughter in a small Connecticut town.

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Season 2[edit]

Sadie, Sadie [2.01][edit]

Rory: You should walk down the aisle to Frank Sinatra, with a huge bouquet of something that smells really good.
Lorelai: Pot roast!

Richard: His head is shaped like a football.
Emily: It is not.
Richard: If he fell asleep in the park, someone would try to punt him.

Hammers and Veils [2.02][edit]

Rory: How am I supposed to get into Harvard if I have no wilderness skills?
Lorelai: I don't know honey. Maybe you'll have to give up your dream of majoring in Logging.

Lorelai: Boy, they keep making that ketchup slower and slower, huh?
Luke: It's the Heinz family's little joke.

Contractor: What's that?
Rory: It's my hammer.
Contractor: That's a hammer?
Rory: Yeah. It's my mom - she takes things she thinks aren't pretty and makes them pretty.
[Contractor looks at her in a mystified way]
Rory: She's not insane, she just sounds it.

Red Light on Wedding Night [2.03][edit]

Rory: If the house was burning down, what would you save first, the cake or me?
Lorelai: Not fair! The cake doesn't have legs!

Lorelai: Hm, that Chilton has taught you some big words.
Rory: That's kind of the point.

The Road Trip to Harvard [2.04][edit]

Lorelai: Okay, I think we just found the first room in the history of the world that would've made Liberace say "Whoa, step back. No one's that gay".

Lorelai: They're taller.
Rory: Not this again.
Lorelai: There's more of them.
Rory: Mom, the flowers on the wallpaper are not growing or reproducing.

Nick & Nora/Sid & Nancy [2.05][edit]

Jess: [looking at windows] So do these open?
Rory: Oh yeah, you just have to unlatch them and then push.
Jess: Great. Shall we?
Rory: Shall we what?
Jess: Bail.
Rory: No.
Jess: Why?
Rory: Because it's Tuesday night in Stars Hollow. There's nowhere to bail to. The 24-hour mini-mart just closed twenty minutes ago.

Jess: [about Luke] What, are you sleeping with him or something?
Lorelai: Excuse me?
Jess: I don't know, the whole starry eyed "you're so much better off, just give it a chance" speech... You're either really naive, or you're getting some.
Lorelai: Ugh. There have been very few moments in my life where I have actually wished I had one of those enormous cream pies you can just smash in someone's face, but this is definitely one of them.

Luke: What are you doing talking to him about stuff like that?!
Lorelai: I'm trying to help you.
Luke: I don't need your help!
Lorelai: Uh, yeah you do.
Luke: Oh, here we go again with this "I'm not prepared for this" crap!
Lorelai: This is not crap, this is the truth! Luke, you should've heard him talking.
Luke: I don't need to hear him talking, he's my nephew and I know what I'm doing. And I'm getting a little tired of your condescending-
Lorelai: I am not being condescending!
Luke: Oh, you have a kid, so you know everything, right?
Lorelai: I have a kid, so yeah, I know a little more than you do.
Luke: You know, you ever think maybe you just got lucky with Rory? I mean, you did get pregnant at sixteen! That doesn't show the greatest decision making skills, now does it?
Lorelai: Wow... two pies.
Luke: What the hell you talking about?

Rory: I'll have two coffees and two cherry danishes to go please.
Luke: Two coffees and two cherry danishes...
Rory: And some napkins...
Luke: One of these is for her, isn't it?
Rory: Who? Oh, no no no they are for me. I am super hungry today. I had to debate ordering for three but I'll tell you how I feel after two.
Luke: Tell you what, I give you one danish and one cup of coffee - you can sit over there and when you are finished, right over there, I'll bring the second one.
Rory: You're really gonna just stand there and watch me eating a danish?
Luke: Cable is out and I'm starved for some entertainment.

Luke: I don't even like kids. They're always sticky like they've got jam on their hands. Even if there's no jam in the house, somehow, they've always got jam on their hands! I'm not the right guy to deal with that. I have no patience for jam hands!

Presenting Lorelai Gilmore [2.06][edit]

Rory: Before I knew it, Grandma was telling me how important it is for a person to be properly presented to society.
Lorelai: Ugh!
Rory: And how every young girl dreams of this day.
Lorelai: Argh!
Rory: And how there are flowers.
Lorelai: Oh, Lord!
Rory: And music.
Lorelai: Please!
Rory: And cake.
Lorelai: Oh yeah, the cake's actually good.

Rory: And when I got back from Grandpa's office, they all invited me out onto the patio.
Lorelai: No no no, please tell me you did not go out onto the patio.
Rory: I went out onto the patio.
Lorelai: Ugh, Rory, that's like accepting the position as the drummer in Spinal Tap.

Lorelai: I swear, there is nothing in the world my mother is better at than getting someone to agree to something that in any other universe, they would never ever consider.
Rory: Mom.
Lorelai: I am still convinced she had something to do with Lily Tomlin doing that movie with John Travolta

Lorelai: See; now only a lady can gracefully walk around a room with a book on her head while eating Kung pow chicken. I mean a great lady can even spit the peanuts back into the container without anyone noticing.
Rory: Wow!
Lorelai: Yeah, well don't be intimidated. You have to practice and practice to get to my level.
Rory: Anyone want the last egg roll?
Lorelai: Hey, where are you going?
Rory: To get the last egg roll.
Lorelai: Getting the egg roll yourself?
Rory: Yes!
Lorelai: No, ladies never get their own egg rolls, ladies never get their own anything they don't even get their own ideas.
Rory: Oh boy!
Lorelai: They just sit helplessly and wait for some young strong man to come by and assist them. They don't step in puddles, they don't step over puddles, and they can't even look at puddles. They actually need to be blindfolded and thrown in a sack and carried over puddles.
Rory: Isn't there a moratorium on how long ladies are supposed to talk?
Lorelai: Err…no! Now repeat after me "I am completely helpless".

Christopher: May I have this dance?
Lorelai: I don't know. Do you have a trust fund? Always make sure.

Like Mother, Like Daughter [2.07][edit]

[Lorelai has to model in a charity event for Booster Club that her mother made her get involved in.]
Lorelai: Ugh, they totally just snuck that modeling thing in.
Rory: Hmm, my mom's a model. Maybe you'll get to date Leonardo DiCaprio now.
Lorelai:Plus, now I have to plan the whole stupid thing.
Rory: "Lorelai Gilmore". Nope, doesn't sound model-y enough. You need something that stands out more. How about "Waffle"? We could call you Waffle and say you're from Belgium.
[Lorelai dials her cellphone.]
Lorelai: Okay, I'm crabby, I need to do something about it. [on phone] Hey Mom!
Emily: Well, hello.
Lorelai: So I went to my first Booster meeting last night, did Bitty tell you?
Emily: No, she did not.
Lorelai: Oh, well, maybe she's still stuck under that desk. You might want to send someone out there to look.
Emily: Well, it's certainly nice to hear you finally getting involved.
Lorelai: Yes, in fact we're planning a charity fashion show next weekend, and I volunteered to organize it.
Emily:Well, good for you.
Lorelai: Yes, and since I know how concerned you are about how Rory's perceived at Chilton, I knew you'd want to be involved somehow, so you're gonna be one of the models.
Emily: Excuse me?
Lorelai: Yeah, so it's next Saturday, be there at four, and we'll provide hair and makeup.
Emily: Lorelai, you can't be serious.
Lorelai: Oh, and we'll need your measurements also.
Emily: This is ridiculous.
Lorelai: Mom. You said you wanted me to be involved. Well, I'm involved now. Don't you want to do your part to ensure Rory's future?
Emily: All right.
Lorelai: Start measuring.
[Lorelai hangs up.]
Rory: You feel better now?
Lorelai: Waffle's very happy.

Lorelai: That's what you got busted for, ringing a bell?
Rory: Yeah, mm hmm.
Lorelai: That's it? Bell ringing?
Rory: Yes.
Lorelai: Uh, were you at least smoking a Cuban cigar while you were doing it?
Rory: Mom.
Lorelai: No, I mean, bad girl. How many times have I told you not to ring bells?

The Ins and Outs of Inns [2.08][edit]

Taylor: This goes well beyond a head of lettuce, young man. The charges against your nephew are numerous. He stole the 'save the bridge' money.
Luke: He gave that back.
Taylor: He stole a gnome from Babette's garden.
Luke: Pierpont was also returned.
Miss Patty: He hooted one of my dance classes.
Fran: He took a garden hose from my yard.
Andrew: My son said he set off the fire alarms at school last week.
Lorelai: I heard he controls the weather and wrote the screenplay to Glitter!

Lorelai: Very tasty. New cook?
Emily: Yes, Marisella. She’s introduced us to some wonderful dishes so charmingly specific to her native country.
Lorelai: What country is she from?
Emily: One of those little ones next to Mexico.
Lorelai: How charmingly specific.

Run Away, Little Boy [2.09][edit]

Paris: Rory, sorry to interrupt. Hi, Henry. But see, we're all standing over there trying to map out a game plan and a rehearsal schedule, and I'm sure whatever the two of you are talking about over here is so much more fascinating and important and, well, gosh, let's just say it: fun. But I'd really like to get an 'A' on this assignment, and in order to do that I'm afraid you're gonna have to discuss your sock hops and your clambakes some other time, okay? Thanks.

Paris: Where's Tristin? He said he was coming with you.
Madeline: Oh, he's here. He just went over to the market.
Rory: What?
Louise: He needed cigarettes, just in case we didn't already know that he was bad.

The Bracebridge Dinner [2.10][edit]

[Rory tells her mother about the school newspaper homework she's been saddled with.]
Lorelai: What?! Why?
Rory: Because, Paris wants the first issue back to be a double issue, so we have to prep over break, and… she says the news never sleeps.
Lorelai: What about Paris? Does she ever sleep?
Rory: I think she periodically makes a whirring noise and then just shuts down.

[While Sookie talks to the inn staff about the upcoming dinner, Kirk is clicking away, taking notes.]
Sookie: Keep in mind during the Bracebridge dinner, we are not just servers, we are performers. So, anytime you're with a guest, you must be in character and you must speak Old English. It's a world we're creating here, so whatever we can do— Kirk, you're driving me crazy!
Kirk: Who, me?
[He looks down at his laptop and reads.]
Kirk: "Whatever we can do Kirk you're driving me crazy." Yeah, me. I'm… sorry.

Lorelai: [after the original Bracebridge Dinner is cancelled] Let's invite everyone!
Sookie: Everyone who?
Lorelai: Everyone everyone!
Sookie: Everyone everyone who?
Lorelai: Everyone we know, everyone we like...
Sookie: Let's invite everyone!
Lorelai: An out of control, over the top slumber party!
Sookie: I love it!
Rory: Me too!
Lorelai: Done! Spread the word.
Luke: I haven't said I'd come yet so I'm certainly not gonna suddenly become your messenger boy. [Lorelai gives him a glaring look] Eight o'clock?
Lorelai: Seven.
Luke: Right.

Luke: Gotta say sleigh rides are a little much but these horses are really beautiful.
Lorelai: [sitting behind the horse] Yes, especially from this angle.
Luke: Not just from this angle.
Lorelai: No, seriously don't back track. The horse has got a nice butt there.
Luke: That's not what I'm saying.
Lorelai: Nice firm hinie.
Luke: Stop talking about the horse's hinie.

Lorelai: Hey Mom, you didn't make it back to the room last night. Did you get lucky?
Emily: Could you be any cruder?
Lorelai: Yeah, I could be cruder. Hey Mom, did you get lai...
Rory: Thanks for coming!

Secrets and Loans [2.11][edit]

Rory: One sec. You know Mom, I hate to bring this up, but I think there's a really obvious solution to our problem.
Lorelai: I know hon.
Rory: You do?
Lorelai: Yes. And frankly, I think if I sold you into white slavery, I would miss you.

[Going into a bank for a loan appointment, Lorelai finds her mother waiting outside the manager's office.]
Lorelai: You are not seriously sitting there.
Emily: No. It's a hologram. Lifelike, isn't it?

Richard in Stars Hollow [2.12][edit]

Emily: Do you think you'll be single your entire life?
Lorelai: Excuse me?
Emily: I mean in terms of you finding someone, what do you think the odds are?
Lorelai: Ok, what is going on?
Emily: Well, I visited the family mausoleum today...
Lorelai: [to Rory] Never what you think it's going to be!

Lorelai: Oh, oh. Well, uh. . .ugh, why don’t we move Aunt Cecile? She was always so annoying at parties. She loved the knock-knock jokes.
Rory: Mom!
Lorelai: What?
Rory: You can’t just kick out Aunt Cecile.
Lorelai: Knock-knock. Who’s there? Pineapple. Pineapple who? That’s where it ended. Never fully grasped the knock-knock concept.
Emily: She was a complete idiot. Okay, it’s decided – Cecile goes.

Richard: How tall are you?
Dean: Why? You wanna dance?
Richard: No, thank you. [pause] I appreciate the offer, though.

A-Tisket, A-Tasket [2.13][edit]

Lorelai: Luke, you gotta come out there with me. Patty gave my picture out to all these guys because she thinks I need a man.
Luke: You do, one with a nice couch and a deep knowledge of Freud.

Lorelai: Ah man. I remember the days of lying to my mother about a boy. Once I had a boy hidden in the closet and of course Mom wouldn’t leave, so I finally had to pretend to get sick to my stomach just to get her out of the room long enough for him to climb out the window and down the tree. He fell, broke his leg. Ah, to be young again.

Dean: Why would he do this?
Rory: Maybe he was hungry.
Dean: He’s trying to make me crazy.
Rory: Just don’t let him.
[Jess walks up behind them.]
Jess: I gotta tell you, of all the nutty barn raising shindigs this town can cook up, this one wasn’t half bad.
Dean: Glad you enjoyed it.
Jess: Yes I did. So shall we?
Dean: "Shall we" what?
Jess: Shall we go?
Dean: Go where?
Jess: Go eat.
Dean: Excuse me?
Jess: The person who buys the basket wins the company of the person who makes the basket for lunch. Basket. Basket maker. Guy who didn’t bring enough money.
Dean: You think this is funny.
Jess: Well, it’s no Lenny Bruce routine, but it has its moments.
Dean: Bye, Jess.
Jess: Where you going?
Dean: You’re the one who’s going.
Jess: Oh, as soon as Rory is ready.
Dean: She’s not going with you.
Jess: Really, is that true?
Dean: Yes, it’s true.
Jess: Excuse me Edgar Bergen, I think I’d like Charlie McCarthy to answer now.
Dean: Shut up.
Rory: Dean.
Dean: What?
Rory: Well…
Dean: Oh, come on!
Rory: It’s tradition.
Dean: I don’t believe this.
Rory: It’s true. My mother and I have been doing this every year since we moved here.
Dean: So, buck tradition.
Rory: Are you kidding? Do you remember how mad Taylor was when I was sick and I couldn’t go to the turkey-calling contest?
Dean: This isn’t school, you’re not getting graded.
Rory: Just don’t make this into a big thing.
Dean: Don’t go.
Jess: Oh, geez, man, she’s not shipping off to ‘Nam.
Dean: You SO need to shut up now.

Jackson: I think we should get married. Soon.
Sookie: Are you pregnant?

It Should Have Been Lorelai [2.14][edit]

Rory: Well, having company is about making sacrifices.
Lorelai: Martha Stewart?
Rory: A paraphrased Proust.

Richard: There are a lot of nice historical places up there.
Christopher: Something historical in our price range would be perfect.
Emily: You know historical homes are infested with mold, don’t you?
Lorelai: Mold?
Emily: It gets inside the walls and grows out of sight and shoots off spores that slowly kill you and your family.
Lorelai: You should get a show on the Home and Garden channel, Mom.

Lost and Found [2.15][edit]

Luke: Ow!
Lorelai: Luke, are you okay?
Luke: Stupid box! Stupid lamp!
Lorelai: Hey Luke, are you being attacked by your possessions again?

[Jess and Luke are searching for an apartment.]
Jess: Forget it!
Luke: Why? What was wrong with it?
Jess: It was pink!
Luke: We can paint it.
Jess: You mean I can paint it.
Luke: We can paint it together.
Jess: Great! Then we can hold hands and skip afterwards.
Luke: Fine. Which one did you like?
Jess: The one before.
Luke: The one with the two fridges?
Jess: No.
Luke: Well, the one before was the one with two fridges.
Jess: No, the one we saw before was the one with the cat!
Luke: I hate cats!
Jess: Well, I don't think the cat came with the place.
Luke: Yeah, but it had carpeting which means it's always gonna smell like a cat.
Jess: (shrugs) Clean the carpet.
Luke: Paint the pink.
Jess: Fine. The one next to the bank.
Luke: Nah, too many windows.
Jess: What?
Luke: Six windows, all on one side, three o'clock in the afternoon, we're sittin' in an oven.
Jess: So we get curtains.
Luke: Well, you'd have to help me put them up.
Jess: Great! Then we can hold hands and skip afterwards.
Luke: Stop saying that!

[Jess enters Lorelai's kitchen for a break from cleaning the gutters on her house, and she offers him Chinese takeout leftovers.]
Lorelai: So, umm... basically, uh, everything here is chicken. You got... garlic chicken, Kung Pao chicken, Szechuan chicken, chicken in brown sauce, which looks and tastes remarkably like the Szechuan chicken, except it's got these red peppers in it, and if you eat them, you die. Plate?
Jess: Uh, I'd thought I, uh... (motioning to his filthy hands)
Lorelai: Oh, soap's on the counter.
Jess: So when was the last time you had those gutters cleaned?
Lorelai: It's been a while.
Jess: Yeah, I found an "I Like Ike" bumper sticker up there.
Lorelai: (giggles) Is it really bad?
Jess: Well, it won't be by tomorrow.
Lorelai: (hands him a spoon for his plate) I like hearing that!
Jess: So, you guys aren't too hot on vegetables, huh?
Lorelai: What are you talking about? There's green pepper in the Kung Pao.
Jess: My mistake.
Lorelai: So, are you a healthy eater like Luke?
Jess: No... no one's a healthy eater like Luke; Euell Gibbons wasn't a healthy eater like Luke!
Lorelai: Wow... it's been AGES since I've a good "Euell Gibbons" reference!
Jess: Many parts of the pine tree ARE edible.

Lorelai: I think I have gangrene.
Rory: You do not.
Lorelai: And vertigo.
Rory: Oh boy.
Lorelai: And one leg suddenly feels shorter than the other.
Rory: This is gonna be the Vanity Fair paper cut incident all over again, isn’t it?

[After Jess has finished cleaning the gutters on the roof, Lorelai walks out assuming he took Rory's bracelet.]
Lorelai: You leaving?
Jess: Yeah, all done.
Lorelai: You weren’t gonna come get your money?
Jess: Ah, I figured I’d get it eventually. It’s not like I don’t know where you guys live.
Lorelai: (chuckles) That’s true. You certainly do know where we live. Well here. (lends him the money he made for cleaning the gutters.) After all, you earned it.
Jess: Thanks.
Lorelai: You took it, didn’t you?
Jess: Excuse me?
Lorelai: Rory’s bracelet; you had it the whole time.
Jess: No idea what you’re talking about.
Lorelai: How’d you get it?
Jess: I didn’t get anything.
Lorelai: What, did you break into our house, you got all dressed in black and pulled a Mission: Impossible?
Jess: Actually, I came down the chimney and pulled a Santa Claus.
Lorelai: Very funny.
Jess: Thought a ridiculous accusation deserved a ridiculous response.
Lorelai: So it’s just a great big ol’ coincidence that I catch you coming out of Rory’s room a half an hour before she mysteriously finds the bracelet under her bed?
Jess: Guess so.
Lorelai: Why would you do this?
Jess: I gotta go.
Lorelai: I mean, I know you hate the world, but I thought you liked Rory.
Jess: I didn't do anything.
Lorelai: Bull.
Jess: (scoffs) Whatever.
Lorelai: Oh, don’t "whatever" me, you little jerk! You let Rory run around completely panicked, thinking she lost her boyfriend’s bracelet. She was miserable, do you understand that?!
Jess: I didn't take it!
Lorelai: I’m sure you’re jealous of Dean because he’s great and Rory’s madly in love with him, but you taking the bracelet didn’t hurt Dean, it hurt Rory. That bracelet is the most precious thing she owns. She never takes it off. It means everything to her, and you stealing it was unbelievably cruel!
Jess: The "most precious thing she owns"?
Lorelai: Yes!
Jess: If it’s the "most precious thing she owns", why did it take her TWO WEEKS to figure out it was gone, huh?! (Lorelai is dumbfounded) You might wanna re-evaluate how madly in love she is. I wouldn’t start calling him "son" yet.
Lorelai: Get outta here!
Jess: You read my mind. (walks off)

There's the Rub [2.16][edit]

Emily: [to Lorelai] You're muttering under your breath. Years of experience have taught me that when you do that, it's usually about me.

Lorelai: Mom, you signed us up for a couple's massage.
Emily: So?
Lorelai: A couple's massage is for a couple not a couple of people.

Emily: And I certainly don’t eat at bars. Hookers eat at bars.
Lorelai: Only if they can’t get a table.

Paris: We’re friends?
Rory: I’m not sure if there is an exact definition for what we are, but I do think it falls somewhere in the bizarro friends-ish realm. Come on, stay.
Paris: Okay. But if you’re doing all this so you can freeze my bra, I’ll kill you.
Rory: Duly noted.

Jess: Who was that on the phone?
Rory: No one
Jess: No one wouldn't be happening to be heading over here right now would he?
Rory: Jess...
Paris: What's going on?
Rory: Nothing
Jess: Dean's on his way over and Rory doesn't want him to find me here
Paris: Why?
Jess: Yea, why?
Rory: You know why
Jess: Just eating dinner
Rory: Jess, I'm asking you as a friend, just please leave, now
Jess: Do you really want me to go?
Rory: I really want to avoid a fight with Dean
Jess: OK, I'm going
Rory: Thank you
Jess: Ow!...oh...
Rory: What?
Jess:: I just twisted my ankle, I better go lie down
Rory: Jess...
Jess: God, you're no fun when you're tense! Are you sure you want me to go, cause maybe this whole thing can be solved between me and Dean if we just sit down and had a little heart-to-heart. He could tell me his issues, I'll tell him mine...
Rory: Jess!
Jess: I promise to speak slowly
Rory: Bye!
Jess: OK, well give him my best would ya...actually, I guess I could do that myself.
Rory: Dean, Jess just came by to bring me some food.
Jess: From Luke's.
Rory: He wanted to make sure I ate.
Jess: Luke did.
Rory: Right, Luke did.
Jess: Personally I could care less if she eats.
Rory: Yea, true, he could care less.
Jess: I see you brought a little something that ice cream? That's so nice! A tiny little ice cream package just big enough for two. Hey, are you guys gonna feed each other, cause that's just so darn cute...oops. You're doing that towering over me thing, huh, I tell ya, you've really got that down. it helps that you're 12 feet tall but this Frankenstein scowl really adds to the whole...
Rory: Jess!
Jess: OK, I'm going. Look man, I really was just droppin' off some food, so don't get all West Side Story on me, OK?

Dead Uncles and Vegetables [2.17][edit]

Michel: That fellow's on the phone from the restaurant.
Lorelai: Who?
Michel: The flannel man with the protruding ankles.
Lorelai: Oh, Luke?
Michel: I forgot his name from the desk to here, that's how memorable he is.

Taylor: Late again, are we?
Lorelai: Yes, I hope I’m not pregnant!

Taylor: You really have to work on your punctuality, Lorelai. I banged the meeting in a half an hour ago.
Lorelai: Oooh, dirty!

Taylor: Mhmm, just what I thought. This is not the proper permit for this kind of business. This is a type 24B otherwise known as a cart, kiosk, cart/kiosk permit. This is not valid for your business.
Troubadour/Veggie Guy: Whys it say it twice?
Taylor: Hmm?
Babette: You said cart kiosk cart kiosk!
Lorelai: Its repetitive
Rory: And redundant
Lorelai: Its repetitive
Rory: And redundant!
Lorelai: We certainly are entertaining, Mac!
Rory: Indubitably, Tosh

Lorelai: Sookie, what are you downloading from Prague?
Sookie: Color samples for the big ceramic stands.
Lorelai: Big ceramic stands for what?
Sookie: For the giant paper mache mushrooms.
Lorelai: What are the paper mache mushrooms for?
Sookie: For the midgets dressed like angels to dance under, silly!

Back in the Saddle Again [2.18][edit]

[Rory's school business project team, the "Style Aid Corporation", meets with her grandfather Richard as advisor.]
Richard: Now, at this point, I would like to turn the meeting over to Paris, who will bring us up to date on our latest development. Paris.
Paris: Thank you, Richard.
[Paris, hands crossed behind her back, confidently and cheerfully addresses the "board" as she paces around the table.]
Paris: First, let me say that I'm glad to see you all here today, at the beginning of what I think is going to be a very exciting experiment.
[A nervous Brad turns to Chip.]
Brad: [whispering] She doesn't have the baseball bat in her hands, does she?

[Michel is railing at Lorelai for mentioning his eating habits to his doting mother in passing.]
Lorelai: I just assumed, since you gave up carbs a year ago, she knew.
Michel: [angrily] Yes! Well, you know what happens when you assume?
Lorelai: What?
Michel: I don't know! S-something about a donkey! It's a… stupid American phrase!

Rory: Okay, that's a good idea. But, if we went with that, we'd actually have to build a robot.
Madeline: Yeah?
Rory: And how do you suggest we do that?
Madeline: (points to Brad) Well, he looks like he's built one!
Brad: I've never built a robot!
Louise: (leans over toward him) But you've tried haven't you?
Brad: Yes I have.

Emily: Lorelai Gilmore, are you seriously suggesting that your father go to a complete stranger and talk about his personal life?
Lorelai: Lots of people swear by it.
Emily: Yes, disturbed people, deviants, people with multiple personalities who see things and hear talking to them and roam the streets talking to themselves and licking parking meters.

Louise: I know. So, of course, fifteen minutes later, tardy and glossless, I left the house and I had to rely on Madeline for my source of lip color for the day. Not an ideal solution.
Madeline: Major skin tone mismatch.
Paris: I’m sorry, group leader, could you ask the Pigeon sisters if there is a point to this opus?

Teach Me Tonight [2.19][edit]

Kirk: I don't know if you know this about me, but I have very creative ambitions.
Lorelai: I did not know that about you, Kirk.
Kirk: It's true.

Mr. Merten: Every baseball on campus seems to have disappeared.
Luke: Oh, come on, you don't think Jess seriously... I'll check when I get home.

Lorelai: I hate crossword puzzles. They make me feel stupid.
Rory: Then don’t do ‘em.
Lorelai: Well, but if you don’t do them, you’re not only stupid, you’re also a coward.

Jess: My mother told me never go through a lady’s bag. . .at least, not until you’re a couple blocks away. I’m just kidding, she never said that. Though it sounds like pretty good advice, doesn’t it?

Kirk: Ah, Lorelai, good. I need one minute of your time.
Lorelai: I’ll give you two because you scare me.

Help Wanted [2.20][edit]

[Lorelai is helping her father set up his new office and goes to answer the phone.]
Lorelai: Gilmore Group, may I help you? Oh no, Margie doesn't work for the company anymore. I'm the one who called to schedule the DSL appointment. Well, no, no, we really need the DSL line installed today — it's just awful being without it. Uh-huh, okay, if you can make it before five everything is good but any later than that won't work because the cable modem people are dropping by about 5:05. Well, thank you, that's great! Okay, bye. [to Richard] They'll be here in twenty minutes.

Taylor: I know that there's no way that you would be involved in something like that if it weren't for that Sal Mineo wannabe. Believe me, Chachi and Chachi alone will be held responsible for that incident.

Emily: You're crude and unprofessional.
Lorelai: I'd like that on my tombstone please.

Rory: What?
Lorelai: Nothing. Are you tilting?
Rory: No.
Lorelai: I think you’re tilting.
Rory: I’m not tilting.
Lorelai: Do you wanna hold onto my purse? It might even you out.
Rory: Stop anytime you like. What are you doing?
Lorelai: Well, I’m gonna get a pen and put it on top of your head and see if it rolls off.
Rory: Okay, see, this is not how you console the injured.

Lorelai: That’s right, you make coffee, so you’ll need a coffee maker. Let’s see. Ugly, crappy, German, ooh - pretty!
Richard: Oh, well, as long as it’s pretty...

Lorelai's Graduation Day [2.21][edit]

Lorelai: Oh, I'm so excited! Isn't this exciting?
Man: I've been doing this for eight years.
Lorelai: Oh. So, not so exciting for you, then.

Rory: What does a stroke feel like?
Lorelai: I dunno. Bad.

Lorelai: Is Jackson in the house? Lemme hear ya say "ugh".
Jackson: Ugh.
Lorelai: A new toy.
Rory: Shameless.

Lorelai: You are my favored eldest child. You get to stay by my side.
Rory: I feel privileged.

Lorelai: A 25 dollars savings bond.
Christopher: That's a long-term investment. Don't touch it for thirty years and you're looking for 45 dollars.

I Can't Get Started [2.22][edit]

Lorelai: Huh. You know what I just realized? Oy is the funniest word in the entire world.
Rory: Huh.
Lorelai: I mean, think about it. You never hear the word oy and not smile. Impossible. Funny, funny word.
Emily: Oh, dear God.
Lorelai: Poodle is another funny word.
Emily: Please drink your drink, Lorelai.
Lorelai: In fact, if you put oy and poodle together in the same sentence, you'd have a great new catch phrase, you know? Like, oy with the poodles already. So from now on, when the perfect circumstances arise, we will use our favorite new catch phrase.
Rory: Oy with the poodles already.
Lorelai: I'm telling you, it's knocking ‘whatcha talking ‘bout, Willis?' right out of first place.
Emily: Lorelai, for God's sake, be quiet.

Kirk: 'Cause I'm so damn lonely not even Animal Planet does it for me anymore.

Lorelai: Not at all sad?
Rory: About getting my arm back? No.
Lorelai: Really? ‘Cause I’ve kind of gotten used to Casty over here. I mean, we decorated him, we talked to him, we protected him from getting wet in the shower.
Rory: Okay, it’s time to wean you off of getting attached to inanimate objects.
Lorelai: Casty, no one understands you like I do. What? No, I did not know Mr. Band-Aid said that to you. Ugh, I will talk to him when we get home.

Rory: [at Sookie's wedding] What are you doing here?
Jess: Hello to you too...You look nice.
Rory: Thank you. What..what are you doing here?
Jess: I'm going to move back.
Rory: What?
Jess: I'm going to move back.
Rory: But..But why?
Jess: Just wanted to...
[long pause. Rory and Jess gaze into each others eyes and she kisses him]
Rory: Oh my God, oh my God. [starts to run away]
Jess: Rory...
[Rory turns around]
Rory: Don't say a word!
Jess: OK.
Rory: [While running away] Oh, welcome home!

Sookie: Pink is for girls. Jackson's not a girl. Jackson doesn't like pink. I have all this pink, it's like saying, 'Hey, screw you. You want a say in this? Well, grow some ovaries.'