Gilmore Girls/Season 5

Gilmore Girls (2000–2007) is a dramatic television show, created by Amy Sherman-Palladino, centering around the relationship between a single mother and her daughter in a small Connecticut town.

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Season 1; Season 2; Season 3; Season 4; Season 5; Season 6; Season 7

Season 5

Say Goodbye to Daisy Miller

Dean: I'm just… trying to make sure that all this is really happening.

Rory: It is. [they kiss] Hey, you know what I think we need?

Dean: What?

Rory: A song. Like a song that's "our song."

Dean: Okay.

Rory: Something romantic, but not mushy, something that will make us remember this.

Dean: [chuckle] Ah, believe me, I'm remembering this.

Rory: Oh, I know. [She reaches over to the nightstand and loads a nearby CD into her player and turns it on] Okay. Perfect. So, from now on, no matter what you're doing, where you are, you'll stop and think of me when you hear this [clicks remote on. Sammy Davis Jr.'s "The Candy Man" plays]

Dean: [laughs] That's not gonna be our song.

Rory: Why not? It's perfect. It's happy. It's hopeful. It has the word "candy" in it. Hey, what is more hot than candy?

Dean: Pick something else.

Rory: [She bobs to the music beat and repeats the lyric in a high squeaky voice] "Who can take the sunrise… sprinkle it with dew?"

Dean: Okay, okay, okay, okay. I'll pick something else. [He struggles to snatch the remote from her]

Rory: No.

Dean: Hand it over, I can't take it anymore.

Rory: This is what happens when the women get the remote, ah-ha!

Emily: [provoking grin] I am going to Europe, Richard. I am going to Europe, and I'm going to have a marvelous time. I'm going to get up at 10:00, and I'm going to have two glasses of wine at lunch every single day.

Richard: Only prostitutes have two glasses of wine at lunch.

Emily: Well, then buy me a boa and drive me to Reno because I am open for business.

Lorelai: Oh my God. We need to take him upstairs.

Kirk: [still face down] LuLu can't see me like this.

Lorelai: But, Kirk --

Kirk: [hysterical] LuLu can't see me like this!!

Lorelai: Okay, she won't. I promise. Can I take a look?

Kirk: [quickly responds] Okay.

Lorelai: I don't want to take a look.

Luke: Well, I'm not looking.

[Sookie descends the stairs and approaches]

Sookie: Hey! It's a party. What's everybody doing up?

Lorelai: Aw, hey, good timing, Squiggy.

Sookie: I was just going to check on my loaves and make sure they're rising properly. The air's a little more humid than I thought it was going to be, and if the loaves aren't rising properly, then -- what are you doing? [They both pull Sookie closer to the sofa]

Lorelai: We need you to look at Kirk's butt.

Sookie: Why?

Lorelai: Well, because he ran into some rose bushes, and he's got some thorns stuck in it, and I thought of you.

Sookie: Me? Why me?

Lorelai: Well, because... you're a chef.

Sookie: What?

Luke: And you have a kid.

Lorelai: Yes, that's better. You have a kid.

Luke: Neither of us has kids. Well, she does, but it's big and -- and -- and can look at her own butt.

Luke: [on Lorelai's answering machine] Hey it's me. Listen I got a call from my sister and TJ, they are up in Maine and they got into a little accident. Nothing too major, just each one of them broke an arm and a leg. So anyhow, they can't run the Renaissance fair booth for a couple of weeks. So they asked me to come and help them out, and I, unfortunately, answered the phone, so I'm on my way to Maine. I'll be back in about a week. OK? Bye.

Lorelai: Great...

[Message number 2]

Luke: Hey it's me again, I'm not sure we are at the point in this relationship where you actually need to know that much information about my whereabouts. So if we're not, I'm sorry. I could have just said, "I'm going out of town, and I'll call you later." So I'm going out of town, and I'll call you later.

[Message number 3]

Luke: It's me again. The idiot that leaves you three rambling messages on your machine. I just wanted to tell you I got a cell phone before I left so... You know you could call if you want, but only if you want so... That's it.

Lorelai: AH! [Frustrated]

[Message number 4]

Luke: Yeah number might be good.

Lorelai: Thank you.

Luke: 860-294-1986. OK bye.

[Message number 5, she is finishing writing down the number]

Luke: Just...don't change your mind until I get back, OK? OK, talk to you later.

A Messenger, Nothing More

Lane: Look, I told you guys I'd throw you free fries. Not a big deal because they're usually the ones we wind up throwing away anyway. Which means you don't have to call them wink-winkers, or nudge-nudgies or know-what-I-meanies, or anything else in verbal code, especially if it's cute-cutesy.

Lane: [referring to coffee given to Lorelai at the diner] I made it extra strong. It should blacken your teeth and rot your stomach.

Lorelai: Bless you.

Lorelai: Hey, I should bring steak sauce, right?

Rory: For what?

Lorelai: Pizza.

Rory: I just got back from Italy.

Lorelai: So?

Rory: So they'd shoot you in Italy for that.

Lorelai: But this is America, where we unapologetically bastardize other countries' cultures in a gross quest for moral and military supremacy.

Rory: I forgot. Bring on the imperialistic condiments.

[Sookie is trying to get Lorelai to take some time off.]

Sookie: Want to know the last time I saw staff and maids looking this scared of their boss? Your mother's house.

Lorelai: Ow...knife in the gut!

Lorelai: [after finding out that Lindsay read the letter Rory wrote to Dean] Okay, I have got to know what was in that letter.

Rory: I...I told him that that night was special and that I wasn't sorry it happened...but he's married, and he has to figure out his life, so I said that I was going to make it easier for him...and take myself out of the mix.

Lorelai: That was a very good letter.

Rory: I can't believe she found it.

Written in the Stars

Luke: [Approaching with food] Hot plates.

Lorelai: See? He called me "Hot Plates." He so likes me.

Lorelai: Is this like a Mafia thing?

Luke: Excuse me?

Lorelai: The whole coming in, special table, reserved sign. Are you gonna have to whack someone before the soup course?

Luke: No, I've filled my whacking quota for the week. [cringes] Dirty?

Lorelai: [wicked grin] Extremely.

Luke: Thought so.

Lorelai: I was just trying to remember the first time we met. It must have been at Luke's, right?

Luke: It was at Luke's, it was at lunch, it was a very busy day. The place was packed. And this person...

Lorelai: Oh, is it me? Is it me?

Luke: This person comes tearing into the place, in a caffeine frenzy...

Lorelai: Ooh, it's me!

Luke: I'm with a customer, she interrupts me, wild-eyed, begging for coffee. So I tell her to wait her turn. Then she starts following me around, talking a mile a minute, saying God knows what. Finally I turn to her, and tell her she's being annoying. Sit down, shut up, and I'll get to her when I get to her.

Lorelai: You know, I bet she took that very well, 'cause she sounds just delightful...

Luke: She asked me my birthday. I wouldn't tell her, she wouldn't stop talking, finally I gave in. I told her my birthday. She went and got the newspaper, opened it up to the horoscopes page, wrote something down, tore it out, handed it to me. So I was looking at this piece of paper in my hand, and under Scorpio, she had written: 'You will meet an annoying woman. Give her coffee, and she'll go away.' So I gave her coffee.

Lorelai: But she didn't go away!

Luke: She told me to hold onto that horoscope, put it in my wallet, and one day it would bring me luck.

[Luke takes his wallet out and shows Lorelai the horoscope.]

Lorelai: Boy, I will say anything for a cup of coffee! [long pause] I can't believe you kept this. You kept this in your wallet? You kept this in your wallet...

Luke: Eight years.

Lorelai: [touched] Eight years...

Rory: Heart attack? Umm.. it wasn't during... umm... was it?

Paris: No Rory! This great man was not brought down by my vagina.

[Lorelai quickly pulls out her cell phone and hits speed dial. She sighs impatiently while it rings.]

Rory: Hello?

Lorelai: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, sorry, sorry.

[Cut to Rory's dorm room.]

Rory: For what?

Emily: Rory.

[Hearing her grandmother's voice, she turns in shock. Emily is standing in the open doorway]

Rory: Grandma.

Lorelai: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Emily: [walks toward Rory looking around] What is going on here?

Rory: I have to hang up now.

Lorelai: Have I mentioned I'm sorry?

Tippecanoe and Taylor, Too

Luke: You cannot gather here.

Lorelai: Do you like my hair like this?

Luke: Yes....and you cannot gather here.

Lorelai: Wow, sleeping with you is getting me nothing.

[Knock on door, Rory crosses room as Paris mutters to herself while polishing part of the ancient printing press]

Paris: Ben Franklin was out of his mind.

We Got Us a Pippi Virgin!

[Emily, Rory, and Lorelai are in the poolhouse - Richard's home while he and Emily's are separated]

Emily: Oh, my God. Will you look at this? [Shocked, she pulls out a vest dressed in colorful sequins]

Rory: Bright.

Lorelai: [dryly] And tasteful.

Emily: It's a vest.

Rory: Grandpa has lots of vests.

Emily: It's got glitter. It's a glitter vest.

Lorelai: So?

Emily: So? Where would your father wear a vest like this? Certainly nowhere he ever would've taken me.

Rory: Grandma, it's just a vest.

Lorelai: Yeah, Mom. There's tons of places he would wear that.

Emily: Name one.

Lorelai: Okay, I'm at a loss.

Emily: This is insane.

Lorelai: Mom, this is the place where unwanted things came to repose. Maybe it's a vest of his from the old days.

Emily: Our days never included Richard dressing up like that gay fellow whose tiger tried to eat him. I have definitely, positively never seen this vest. This is a party vest.

Lorelai: Okay, just put it back, Mom, and let's go.

Emily: [holds out the festive garment] You put it back.

Rory: You know, we've moved a lot of stuff around here tonight. We've got to cover our tracks.

Lorelai: Where did you find it?

Emily: Squished in the middle, as if he was hiding it from me.

Lorelai: [mutters as she returns the vest to the closet] Can you blame him? It's hideous.

Emily: How dare he have a vest like that.

Emily: It's a panic room.

Lorelai: Like Jodie Foster?

Emily: I have no idea.

Emily: I bought a panic room.

Rory: Like Jodie Foster?

Emily: What does Jodie Foster have to do with anything?

Rory: I have never seen Grandma so singularly obsessed about a piece of clothing.

Lorelai: Not since I wore my "Gas, Grass, Or Ass — No One Rides For Free" T-shirt to the Junior League spring tea.

Norman Mailer, I'm Pregnant!

Lorelai: Sookie, first thing we agreed on opening the inn?

Sookie: What?

Lorelai: Keep Kirk away from the business?!!!

Sookie: Norman Mailer, I'm Pregnant!

Lorelai: Am I wearing the same thing I wore last Friday night?

Rory: What?

Lorelai: Halfway here I was struck by the overwhelming feeling that I wore this exact outfit to last Friday night, and there’s no way I’m going in there to see my mother wearing the same thing I wore last Friday night because I may not remember but she sure as hell will.

Rory: I don’t know.

Lorelai: You don’t know?

Rory: You don’t remember but you expect me to?

Lorelai: Well, you look at me more than I look at me; you sit across from me at dinner. You had more of a chance to imprint my ensemble in your brain.

Rory: Sorry, no imprint.

Lorelai: Oh, that hurts.

Rory: Well I’m sure you don’t remember what I was wearing.

Lorelai: I most certainly do.

Rory: Okay, what was I wearing?

Lorelai: You were wearing a lovely and delicately understated, uh, outfit… well, you were definitely wearing these arms.

Rory: Oh, way to imprint, lady.

Lorelai: Stand in front of me, just in case. (Rings doorbell.)

Maid: Hello.

Lorelai: Hi, we should be on the guest list. Holstein and Liza are expecting us. (Maid looks confused.)

Lorelai: Okay. Let’s try it straight. Hi, we’re here for dinner. I’m Lorelai the daughter, this is Rory the granddaughter.

Maid: Oh! Okay, I’m sorry. Right this way.

Rory: She’s acting weird.

Lorelai: She knows I’m wearing the same outfit as last week.

Rory: She wasn’t here last week.

Lorelai: The world’s small, maids talk.

Rory: About you?

Lorelai: Yes.

Rory: Oh. With all that’s going on in the world, all the maids in existence are talking about you.

Lorelai: Huh. ‘Kay, now you’re making me seem a little stuck up.

Maid: Can I get you something to drink?

Lorelai: Yes, a martini please.

Rory: Coke, please.

Lorelai: Oh, you know, maybe we should wait for my mother. Is she coming down soon?

Maid: No.

Lorelai: Oh. Okay. Do you know if she saw what I was wearing through the window?

You Jump, I Jump, Jack

Logan: It's your choice, Ace. People can live a hundred years without really living for a minute. You climb up here with me, it's one less minute you haven't lived.

[Comes out in the dress Logan has bought her.]

Rory: I got your event integrity right here, mister.

[Looking down from top of 8-story high scaffolding]

Rory: High. We are very, very high.

Logan: I've been higher.

Rory: I meant distance from the ground.

Logan: That, too.

(After they jump)

Rory: That was a once in a life time experience!

Logan: Only if you want it to be.

[Lane and Zack are finishing up their first date at their place, and Zack walks her to her bedroom.]

Lane: Goodnight, Zack.

Zack: Goodnight.

[Lane opens her door to see their bandmate Brian passed out on her bed.]

Lane: Oh, no.

Zack: This is bad news: Once he hits his REM state, Motörhead wouldn't wake him.

Rory: I am not a fan of ladders.

Logan: They scare the crap out of me too.

The Party's Over

Paris: You sleep with one old guy, and suddenly you're Catherine Zeta-Jones.

Emily: [Directing the setup of chairs for her party] Just move them so people can navigate around them comfortably. [They move chairs] Not that far apart. Not that far apart! Good Lord, if someone needs that much room to get around a chair they shouldn't be at a party, they should be on a treadmill.

Logan: Refill?

Rory: Sure, why not?

Finn: Because drinking is bad. It's very, very bad and we're bad for doing it. [To Rory] Spank me.

Rory: I think the hangover tomorrow will be punishment enough.

Luke: Thank you for not being related to me.

[Lorelai snickers]

Luke: That came out wrong.

Lorelai: No, I got it.

[Rory starts crying after Dean leaves]

Logan: [gently] You’ll be okay.

Rory: [shakes her head] No, I won't.

Logan: Okay, that's it. Back to the pool house, men. We have some serious bucking up to do here.

Colin: I swiped some Scotch.

Finn: I'll reenact the Passion of the Christ.

[The boys cheer and head inside.]

Logan: Hey Ace, nothing ever seems quite as bad after Finn's Passion of the Christ. Except Finn's Passion of the Christ. [He puts her arm around her. They go inside.]

Emily Says Hello

Emily: We attended the Dorman School Bazaar last week. It was a big formal gathering. All our friends were there. And at dinner, he made me reach for the butter.

Lorelai: What?

Emily: It was sitting right there in front of him, and yet he didn't offer me the dish. He buttered his own roll, offered the dish to the man next to him, and that was it.

Lorelai: And that's why you think he's moved on?

Emily: It was a total disregard for my needs. I might as well not have had a roll in front of me at all.

Lorelai: Well, Mom, I'm sorry.

Emily: It's very upsetting.

Emily: I think it's time for me to date.

Lorelai: [chokes] Oh, my God!

Emily: I want to go on a date.

Lorelai: With a man?

Emily: No, a weasel. Of course with a man.

Lorelai: I'm not hearing this.

Emily: You have a lot of experience with men. How do you let them know that you're available?

Lorelai: Well, one of those bench ads usually does the trick.

Emily: Lorelai, stop it. I need help here. It's been years since I did this and I don't remember the proper procedure. Now take me through this step by step. You see a man, you walk up to him, and you say...

Lorelai: "Hello."

Emily: Is that too forward?

Lorelai: No, it's the appropriate way to indicate you're open to a social engagement. Unless, however, you are approaching a weasel. Then I believe the proper signal is just to offer him your hindquarters.

Lorelai: So, Michel has been obsessed with these guests who he swears are the notorious bathrobe bandits from the Independence Inn. At least the moles match. So, apparently they were checking out, and Michel stopped them and demanded they open their suitcases, and they refused. So he grabs the guy's suitcase and starts tearing through all of his stuff, which, of course, went over really well. And when I got there, the wife was calling the cops and the husband was chasing Michel around with a golf club. It took a comped bill and two free bathrobes in addition to the ones they had stolen to get them to drop the charges. Plus, Michel ripped his pants, and his underwear's pink and shiny.

Rory: What did you say to her?

Lorelai: I said, "Are you getting back with Dad?" And she said he wouldn't butter her roll.

But Not as Cute as Pushkin

Rory: [talking about Logan] I know him from school. He's just a casual friend. That's it.

Lorelai: Do you think he's cute?

Rory: It doesn't matter if I think he's cute.

Lorelai: Uh, it matters to me. I don't want ugly grandchildren.

[Lorelai is rejoicing over being able to go down to Luke's diner and get pie whenever she wants.]

Lorelai: Oh, it's heaven! One quick trip downstairs and I have all the treats I want. You're like Willy Wonka, but hotter.

Luke: I am not hotter than Willy Wonka.

Lorelai: Slap on a purple top hat and you're close.

[Rory and Anna sit in a classroom. Anna is dozing off.]

Prof. Bell: Which brings us to this question, does Campbell's work successfully resolve the disparate stances of Jung and Freud when it comes to the collective unconscious?

Rory: Hey, pay attention. Professor Bell is one of the foremost philosophy professors in the country.

Prof. Bell: [. . .] All right. Let's call that close enough. But, now, Campbell can point to the repetition of the hero myth in culture after culture and say "Hey, Sigmund, like it or not here are the same basic characters over and over -"

[Colin enters]

Colin: Excuse me, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Prof. Bell: I'm right in the middle of a class, young man.

Colin: I know, I'm sorry, I just -- [Runs up to stand by Rory's desk.] Rory, you can't just walk out like that. Not after everything we've been through. You just left. I was still in bed. I mean what is that all about?

Prof. Bell: Ok, you need to do this later.

Colin: I can't do this later. Rory I love you. I love you, dammit! How many times to I have to tell you? God! Just talk to me.

'Prof. Bell: Ok, out right now! Out! Just get -

[Logan enters.]

Logan: Colin! What are you doing, man?

Colin: Get the hell out of here!

Logan: She's with me now. I told you that. Let it go.

Colin: I will not let it go! Everything was fine until you came along!

Logan: Oh, don't blame me because you couldn't keep her.

Colin: I swear to god, I'm gonna kill you!

Logan: Oh, I'd love to see you try.

[Colin lungs at Logan. Boys begin fighting]

Professor Bell: Stop it! Stop it right now! Anthony, get security! It's not the time or the place for this. Break it up! Gentlemen! You are losing control! You are in a classroom.

[A piercing police whistle blows. Into the classroom walks Finn, dressed in a British bobby uniform.]

Finn: All right, that's enough. Break it up, you two. Rory Gilmore, you should be ashamed of yourself! Toying with these boys like this. They used to have pride. They used to have dignity. They used to have balls. Damn it, Gilmore! Give them back their balls.

Logan: [Sitting down at Rory and Anna's table] So, dull day, huh?

Anna: Not for me.

Logan: [To Rory] Someone's quiet.

Rory: Got nothing to say.

Logan: Do you get the sense that she's mad at me?

Anna: Yep.

Rory: Hey, Anna, why don't you head on over to the fro-yo social? You remember where it is, right?

Anna: Yeah, but I just had three scoops of ice cream.

Rory: Kid, you're in college now, okay? Now, go get yourself some yogurt.

Anna: Are you going to come, Logan?

Logan: [Looks at Rory] Uh, I'm not sure how well I'll be walking, here, in a minute, Anna.

Logan: That's not a good look.

Rory: I have no words.

Logan: It was just a joke!

Rory: Oh wait I've thought of some. Jerk. Ass. Arrogant inconsiderate, mindless frat-boy low-life buttfaced miscreant!

Logan: Butt-faced miscreant?

Rory: Why would you do something like that?!

Logan: I'm sorry, butt-faced miscreant?

Richard: Well, hello, boys. Nice to see you. Logan, I wanted to talk to you. I just heard about the incident.

Logan: The...?

Richard: I heard that you professed your feelings for Rory.

Logan: Wha...?

Richard: Mr. Bell is a very dear friend of mine, as is the Dean of admissions. Well, you know in this place, news travels fast.

Logan: Yeah, look...

Richard: I have to tell you that, while I understand what could have driven you to such a public display of affection, there is an appropriate time and place for that sort of thing. And a classroom in the middle of class is not one of them.

Logan: No, I know, I...

Richard: However, what's done is done. It's out. So I dropped by to tell you that I have spoken to your father.

Logan: My father?

Richard: We pounded out a few things. Property agreements, pre-nups, that sort of thing.

Logan: Okay, I think that there's been...

Richard: Oh, we came to a very fair agreement. I'm sure you'll be pleased. Now, we're setting up a dinner for next week to finalize the engagement and start talking about the ceremony. Emily is handling all the newspaper announcements, so, not to worry. That's all taken care of.

Logan: But...

Richard: She is a fine young lady, Logan. I want her to be happy. You'll take care of that, I assume. All right, I'll let you get back to your coffee break. Nice seeing all of you again. And Logan... welcome to the family, son.

[Goes away to meet Rory inside the building. Rory runs towards him.]

Richard: I do hope one of his dopey looking friends knows CPR, or he just might not make it.

Rory: You're the best, Grandpa!

Richard: All right, who's next? Paris giving you any trouble?

Rory: Not anymore than usual. However, there is a girl in my modern poetry class who keeps kicking my chair.

Richard: Ah, I do love this place.

Women of Questionable Morals

Lorelai: It's over—oh, yes, it is over!

Luke: What is?

Lorelai: Me and snow—we're through!

Luke: No, you're not.

Lorelai: It was years of bliss, y'know. We had some good stuff and good times. I could show you pictures of the snow angels I made, but I am done. Done! […] I am with you now, buddy, a hundred percent.

Luke: With me on what?

Lorelai: Snow is nothing but annoying, icy, frozen water stuff that "falls out of the sky at inconvenient times"! It's Mother Nature's icy "Screw you, Lorelai Gilmore." […] [to some falling snow] Oh, no, no!, don't try to make up with me now! You and me are through! [swats hands at said snow] You—stupid—hate—you!

[Emily calls Richard from main house; in pool house, Richard picks up the phone]

Richard: Hello?

Emily: There's a dog on the patio!

Richard: What? Emily?

Emily: Of course it's Emily!

Richard: I'm sorry. You sound agitated.

Emily: Did you get a dog?

Richard: Certainly not!

Emily: Well, there's a dog on the patio.

Richard: Well, where are you?

Emily: Inside! Richard, do something!

Richard: I can't see it from here.

Emily: Well, he’s here nonetheless, and he’s looking at me! Richard, the dog is looking at me!

Richard: Hold on.

Emily: I’m holding, but what are we going to—Richard? [to the dog] Shoo! Shoo! [Richard is out on the patio; they continue talking on the phone.] Now do you believe me?

Richard: Well, I wasn't doubting you, Emily; I just couldn't see it.

Emily [pointing at the fire poker in his hand]: What is that?

Richard: Oh, you made it sound like it was a rabid beast, so I came prepared.

Emily: Don't get too close.

Richard: I don't see any froth on his mouth.

Emily: Well, that's something.

Richard: I see a collar but no tags. That isn't very smart.

Emily: You're getting too close.

Richard: Well, what should I do? It's freezing out here. We can't let it roam around.

Emily: Well it can't come into the house.

Richard: Why someone would fail to put a tag on a dog—

Emily: Take it to the pool house.

Richard: What? Why?

Emily: Well, that's why we have it.

Richard: We have a pool house for stray dogs? Love the innuendo, Emily. Fine. I will take him into the pool house.

Emily: Thank you, Richard. I came out and he was just sitting there.

Richard: It's a 'he'?

Emily: I don't know.

Richard: Well, I can't get a visual from this angle.

Emily: It's not important.

Richard: Dog! I want you to come with me. Come along, dog! [dog gets up, follows Richard to pool house]

Emily: He’s following you.

Richard: Seems to be working!

Emily: Good job, Richard!

Lorelai: The floor's a little wet, are we getting the mats out?

Michel: We are without mats.

Lorelai: That's impossible; we ordered them eight months ago. We got confirmation.

Michel: They were back-ordered and due within two weeks. Two weeks turned into eight months, and all we have to show for it is our special yellow back-order receipt. Such cheap paper they use at the mat place. That should have been a clue.

Michel: I would advise that you change our cancellation policy. These people cancel and have to pay nothing.

Lorelai: I hate charging people for cancelling. It's too corporate. We’re doing things differently here.

Michel: Oh, yes. Bankruptcy will be fun and different. Be sure to file for it while it's snowing, won't you? We'll go down to bankruptcy court in a horse-drawn sleigh.

Michel: We have another problem. The Goldfarbs are missing.

Lorelai: The Goldfarbs? Our Goldfarbs?

Michel: The ones you recommended to go cross-country skiing this morning.

Lorelai: Right. So they’re out skiing.

Michel: They said they would be back by noon promptly. Well, it's past noon, and their friends are here to meet them for lunch, but the Goldfarbs are erwol.

Lorelai: They're what?

Michel: Erwol! Erwol!

Lorelai: Oh! AWOL.

Michel: What do I care, I'm French. The point is, we strapped wooden sticks to the feet of a fat orthodontist and a woman with ugly chunky jewelry, and we lost them!

Wedding Bell Blues

[Rory and Lorelai are preparing a feast of frozen waffles, pop tarts and similar food. Rory's laptop is set up at the table and she is burning CD's as they "cook".]

Lorelai: Okay, I know I was the one that said I was craving mashed potatoes, but, oh my God, they're a lot of work.

Rory: It's instant mashed potatoes. Key word: instant.

Lorelai: Oh, no, not instant. I have to mix water and butter into it, not to mention the adding of salt and pepper.

Rory: OK The Best of Super Furry Animals complete.

Lorelai: Oh! Plus I have to rip the package open, dump it into a bowl and, oh my God, are they serious? I have to stir the mixture to combine? What is this, the Gulag?

Rory: Hey, do you want the Arcade Fire?

Lorelai: I don't know, do I?

RORY: Yes.

Lorelai: Then yes. So basically once I'm finished with all this manual labour, I still have to clean the bowl.

Rory: And the spoon.

Lorelai: What do I use the spoon for?

Rory: Stir to combine.

Lorelai: [Waves her hand around in the bowl.]: Pfft. Right. What do I use the spoon for?

Rory: Oh, my mistake. Carry on.

Lorelai: So let's cut to the chase. How badly do you want these mashed potatoes?

Rory: You wanted the mashed potatoes.

Lorelai: 'Cause with tater tots I can just rip and dump.

Rory: Then stick with your strengths.

Lorelai: Why are you nervous?

Emily: I'm getting married!

Lorelai: For the second time. Mom, it's a pretend wedding. J.Lo has them all the time!

Rory: Why did you come?

Logan: Open bar.

Rory: Quite a draw for a guy with an American Express black card.

Logan: Live band, salad, butter pats.

Rory: Logan...

Logan: Little knit bags full of those Jordan almonds.

Rory: Are you ever going to ask me out? [No answer.] You flirt with me. You act like you like me a little. You show up here, with a friend, not a date. I mean, aren’t you? Ever? [Pause.] You do like me, right? [Logan smiles.] Oh. Okay. Uh, no problem. [She tries to pull away; he doesn’t let her.] I’ll just, um, let you go back to your table, and I’ll just start burrowing directly into the ground.

'Logan: Rory.

Rory: I should be in China by midnight.

Logan: Rory.

Rory: You called me Rory.

Logan: I have thought about asking you out, several times. I just don’t think it’s such a good idea.

Rory: Why not?

Logan: Because you’re special.

Rory: Special, like ‘Stop eating the paste’, special?

LOgan: You are beautiful. You are intelligent. You are incredibly interesting. You’re definitely girlfriend material. I, however, am definitely not boyfriend material. I can’t do commitment, and I don’t want to pretend to you that I can. If I were to date you, there would be no dating. It would be something, right away, and I’m not that guy.

Lorelai: [finding Rory and Logan in the middle of making-out] Grandma wants a picture.

Rory: Of this?

Lorelai: Rory? What are you doing? You're at your grandparent's vow renewal thing- whatever. They're out there. God! Rory I swear!

Chris: Rory? Rory's here?

Lorelai: Don't Chris, it's alright.

Chris: [seeing Rory and Logan looking disheveled] What the hell are you doing in there with my daughter? Stay away from her! That is my daughter! I'm gonna kick your ass! Im gonna kick your ass, you little weasel!

Lorelai: Out!

Chris: Who's that guy, Lorelai?

Lorelai: Calm down Christopher, you're drunk!

Chris: Calm down? There's a guy in there pawing my daughter!

Luke: What guy? There's a guy in there with Rory?

Luke: [stares at Logan] You, hands off her, I mean it! Hands in the air! I wanna see hands in the air!

Lorelai: Out! Uh, you guys better use the back way out of here.

Rory: But dad, and Luke...

Lorelai: I'll take care of dad and Luke, please go! Now go! [turns to Logan] You must be Logan, I'm Lorelai.

Logan: Uh, nice to meet you.

Chris: It’s none of your business what’s going on with Rory.

Luke: It sure the hell is my business.

Lorelai: Oh, guys, please!

Chris: Rory is my daughter. Mine.

Luke: Oh, really? Well then, where the hell were you when she got the chicken pox and would only eat mashed potatoes for a week, or where were you when she graduated high school, or started college? Huh? Who the hell moved her mattress into her dorm, and out of her dorm and back into her dorm again?

Say Something

Rory: Are we okay? I mean, that wasn't exactly my proudest moment.

Lorelai: Aw, honey. You're the daughter of a woman who has had no end of less than proud moments. Don't worry.

Rory: Luke was so mad.

Lorelai: That's because to Luke you're still ten years old wearing feathered angel's wings going door-to-door inviting people to a caterpillar's funeral.

Rory: Oh, now, I did that once.

Lorelai: Luke is fine.

Rory: I hope so.

Lorelai: Look, go back in. Catch up with Logan. Tell him everything is fine.

Rory: He went right to his car, he split.

Lorelai: I don't blame the boy.

Lorelai: [in a dream] Whatcha watching?

Luke: [watching a movie version of their relationship] Something stupid.

[Lorelai is showing a guest around the Dragonfly Inn]

Lorelai: Figure as your little girls arrive, we'll have them here in the living room. We'll have the pocket doors to the dining room closed. Then, when it's time for breakfast, we'll open the doors, and voila, the full, beautiful effect.

Woman: Wonderful.

Lorelai: We'll have music with a nice little fanfare. You like Yanni?

Woman: Hate him with every fiber of my being.

Lorelai: Oh, good, we're in perfect sync. And then, we'll have small-scale tables set with china, a silver tea service, little plates, little cups, and twelve little chairs for all of them to sit on.

Woman: That's so cute.

Lorelai:: Yeah.

Michel: Wait, twelve? I thought there were six. Six little girls.

Lorelai: Six girls and their six dolls.

Michel: I beg your pardon?

Lorelai: This is a pancake breakfast for the girls and their dolls.

Michel: Get out of town.

Lorelai: I thought you knew that.

Michel: Dolls, as in they don't have stomachs, lungs or spleens? And we are serving them breakfast?

Lorelai: That's right.

Michel: Teeth? Throat? Colons? They don't have these things either? Unless they are Brides of Chucky.

Lorelai: I'm not paying attention to you anymore. [To the woman.] All right,well, I'll order everything, and all you have to do is show up.

Woman: The girls are looking forward to this. So are the dolls!

Lorelai: Aw, love that.

Woman: 'Bye.

Lorelai: Okay, bye.

Michel: [watching her leave] Is she psychotic?

Lorelai: Shh.

[They head into the kitchen.]

Lorelai: It’s silly fun, Michel, girls love dolls. Chill.

Sookie: I'm making little pancakes for the dolls, and I found these little forks they can use.

Michel: They do not have opposable thumbs!

Sookie: Who, the girls? Oh, this is a handicapped group! Poor things.

Michel: No, the dolls.

Sookie: The dolls? How can a doll be handicapped?

Michel: My point exactly! They are plastic and made in Banglagor!

[talking about Lorelai's breakup with Luke]

Lorelai: I'm gonna be distracted until we fix this.

Sookie: Don't worry, because when a relationship is right, things work out.

Lorelai: I hope so.

Sookie:I heard about this couple on one of those morning shows. Similar to you guys, all lovey-dovey, perfect for each other, headed for marriage, and something happened, and they broke up their senior year in college, even though they were madly in love with each other. They moved to different parts of the country. Thay married different people.

Lorelai: They married different people?

Sookie: Had kids, grandkids. Then their spouses died. And they were available again, and they talked, and they hooked up. And now they're together and they're happily in love after 40 years apart.

Lorelai: That's a horrible story.

Sookie: No, it's not.

Lorelai: What morning show was that on? I hate that story.

Sookie: But they ended up together.

Lorelai: Was it Katie Couric? She seems very dark to me.

Jews and Chinese Food

Paris: Listen, Lorelai? If you decide that your breakup is something that you want to talk about, please let me know.

Lorelai: Okay, Paris.

Paris: And let me know before Tuesday, because I'm doing a paper for my Emotional Mental Health class about how women of a certain age cope with loneliness, and I think you'd be a great lead-off anecdote.

[Lorelai glares at Paris then looks at Rory]

Rory Gilmore: You can't take her. She's trained in Krav Maga.

Lorelai: Damn it!

Rory: So, how was the Zydeco music?

Logan: I left when Finn jumped in on vocals.

Rory: Excellent self-preservational instinct.

Lorelai: Hey, isn't that your naked guy?

Rory: Oh, yeah. Marty, hey! He's not my naked guy.

Lorelai: Well, you don't really want a communal naked guy, nowadays, you know, it's too sketchy.

Doyle: You look so hot when you find me annoying.

Paris: Then I must be Gisele Bündchen to you 24/7.

Rory: Well, it is Friday night.

Lorelai: Yeah, but Friday night dinner without Eva and Adolf. Lovely.

Rory: It's really not fair calling Grandpa Adolf.

Lorelai: No, no, that was Grandma.

So… Good Talk

Rory: Well, you are the environmental philanthropist in the family.

Lorelai: Well, I feel very badly for the planet right now.

Rory: Hey, you called my cell.

Lorelai: I know.

Rory: I told you to call my landline. My cell phone bill's astronomical.

Lorelai: But a conversation with me: priceless.

Rory: [on the phone] Grandma's still hitting you with the postcards, huh?

Lorelai: As if nothing even remotely unpleasant happened between us. How does she do that? Compartmentalize like that. It's weird. She's the serial killer who goes to work and talks about a funny Seinfeld he saw and then goes home and cooks himself a man-flesh sandwich.

Rory: Eww.

Lorelai: [Reading postcard from Temple of Apollo] Let's see how her trip has been since her last card. 'Dear Lorelai, kicked a dog, then punched a gypsy in the groin.' Oh, that's nice.

Rory: Mom.

Lorelai: 'Complained about the foie gras to a waiter whose yearly pay is less than what I spend monthly on silver polish, then kicked another dog.'

Rory: Come on.

Lorelai: 'Tripped a nun, then burned down an orphanage.'

Rory: Sounds like a busy itinerary.

Lorelai: [rips up postcard] And the sun sets on Apollo.

Lane: How are you doing, Kirk?

Kirk: Great. I'm loving this blackened Cajun bread Luke made for me. I didn't even ask for it.

Lane: It's burnt toast, Kirk. You don't have to eat it.

Kirk: But I'm loving it. And look, I've been mixing black ash with the runny eggs. Goes great with the fishy-tasting bacon.

Rory: This is just wrong!

Lorelai: What?

Rory: Your washing two socks!

Lorelai: They were dirty.

Rory: That's wasteful.

Lorelai: I really wanted to wear them tonight.

Rory: They are your dancing Santa Claus socks. You're not gonna wear them for another ten months.

Pulp Friction

Rory: I am going out with Robert.

Lorelai: Have I met this Robert?

Rory: No.

Lorelai: What's his last name?

Rory: Why? You think I made him up or something? [thinking] Grimaldi.

Lorelai: Okay

[later that night]

Rory: Robert...what's your last name?

[talking about Weston's mocha chocolate caramel swirls]

Lorelai: If it was physically possible to make love to a hot beverage, this would be the one.

Luke: You're going to make yourself sick.

Lorelai: Yes, but my sickness will remind me of you, so it'll be romantic.

Luke: Romantic nausea.

Kirk: I get that all the time.

[Rory is looking across the street. Lorelai looks and sees Logan sitting at an outdoor cafe with another girl. They look very cozy.]

Lorelai: My God. Is that Logan? It is Logan. I can't believe it. What a jerk.

Rory: Mom, it's okay.

Lorelai: No, it's not okay! He's sitting over there with a girl and - oh, no you don't. Get me a rock.

Rory: Mom -

Lorelai: I am beaning him with a rock!

Logan: Good. School’s good?

Rory: School’s hard.

Logan: Well, it’s supposed to be hard. It’s grounding you for life. Making you an upstanding citizen.

Rory: God-fearing Christian.

Logan: Habitual recycler.

To Live and Let Diorama

Rory: I can't believe he's gone. He's been dying my whole life.

Lorelai: ...Apparently he just closed his eyes, muttered something about Lori Loughlin and then, he was gone.

Rory: Wow, he's never died before

Lorelai: I guess there's a first time for everything

Lorelai: I put my soul into this place. My heart. My liver. A couple kidneys

Lorelai: You know Superman's fortress of solitude? A jamacian beach compared to my mother's house.

Lorelai: Why are you covering your eyes, Kirk?

Kirk: In case you're naked.

Lorelai: You thought I'd walk into my daughter's room and get naked?

Kirk: I don't know your domestic routine.

Lorelai: Let her get all Condoleezza Rice to my Barbara Boxer if she likes.

But I'm a Gilmore

[Lorelai walks into the house and hears a noise in the kitchen. She grabs a cushion from the couch.]

Lorelai: Hello, is somebody there?

Rory: [walking from her room into the kitchen] Hey, Mom!

Lorelai: [sighs] Hey, Mom? That's it? You just gave me a heart attack and all you have to say is 'hey, Mom'? I thought you were a vicious serial killer.

Rory: [getting a soda from the fridge] Who you were going to challenge to a pillow fight?

[Lorelai walks in the Dragonfly's kitchen with Michel]

Lorelai: Okay, now tell me who does what and what we need to keep things running.

Michel: Well, we need Sookie here.

Lorelai: Well, she's not going to be here, so let's go to Plan B.

Michel: Okay, Plan B. That involves Sookie's clone, also named Sookie.

Lorelai: Well, umm, who here makes the sauces?

Michel: Sookie.

Lorelai: Who here, Michel?

Michel: Sookie trusts no one else with the sauces. She makes the sauces.

Lorelai: Well, what does Mark make?

Michel: Salads.

Lorelai: Okay, and Donny does desserts. What do our other guys do?

Michel: Well, that man over there does the cleaning. That man over there dresses the plates. That man uses tongs, and I have no idea what that man in the corner does, but I would check his trunk before he leaves.

Lorelai: Without Sookie here, we have salads and desserts?

Michel: Pretty much.

Lorelai: We can't run a restaurant serving salads and desserts.

Michel: I would not go to eat, no.

Lorelai: Wait, okay here we have duck. Who here does the duck?

Michel: Nobody touches the ducks.

Lorelai: Well, starting now, someone has to touch the duck.

Michel: I do not know what to tell you, except it will not be me.

[After learning the kitchen cannot run without Sookie]

Lorelai: This is bad, Michel.

Michel: I'm getting that, yes.

Lorelai: Well, we'll just figure something out, right?

Michel: Absolutely. Ain't no mountain high enough.

Lorelai: We'll just formulate a plan, nail down a strategy. You have any ideas?

Michel: We could order some pizza, or Chinese food, or perhaps one of those hoagies that you cut into a million pieces-

Lorelai: No more suggestions necessary, Michel!

Michel: Well, I'm here if you need me.

Lorelai: You know, I love watching you cook. It's hot.

Luke: That's cause you're standing next to the boiler.

Lorelai: Oh, is that what we're calling it now?

[Luke answers the phone.]

Luke: Kitchen.

Sookie: Do you put walnuts in your béchamel?

Luke: Sookie?

Sookie: Do you put walnuts in your béchamel?

Luke: No.

Sookie: You don't put walnuts in your béchamel.

Luke: Sookie, I have things burning, so I-

Sookie: I thought I tasted walnuts. What things are you burning?

Luke: What do you mean you tasted walnuts?

Sookie: You want to get fancy, you can do that at your own diner. My béchamel sauce is classic.

Luke: How are you tasting the béchamel?

Sookie: And, I don't remember including goat cheese in the fennel salad.

Luke: How do you know what's in the fennel salad?

Sookie: So you admit it. You put goat cheese in the fennel salad.

Luke: Yeah, I put goat cheese in the fennel salad. It goes good in the fennel salad, and you had it sitting there.

Sookie: And I also have some Brillo pads sitting there. You want to toss a couple of those into the fennel salad, as well? Hmmm?

Luke: How do you know all this?

Sookie: I just assumed.

Luke: You just assumed that I put goat cheese in the fennel salad?

Sookie: And walnuts in the béchamel.

Luke: I did not put walnuts in- Sookie, are you having people bring you my food?

How Many Kropogs to Cape Cod?

Paris: Look at us! We're happy. We have boyfriends. This is infinitely better than any mood-stablizer I've ever been on.

Rory: Oh shoot what time is it?

Paris: It's hammer-time.

Rory: Last night I couldn't sleep so I google-d your father.

Logan: Excuse me?

Rory: 12,053 items came up. I could only pull up a couple thousand but it really helped. He was born in 1953. Episcopalian. Second of four children. Oldest boy. Yale undergrad. Star of the track team. No grad school. Interesting. Then he had a couple of lost years. A kind of blank period. A little Jesus thing going on there.

Logan: It's like 90 kropogs or so.

Richard: Kropogs? Did someone say kropogs?

Sookie: I will give it a 9.

Lorelai: 9+

Sookie: What will make it a 10?

Lorelai: Another half point.

Emily: Beatrice?

Beatrice (the maid): Yes ma'am.

Emily: Do you know what these are?

Beatrice: Lilies.

Emily: Fragrant lilies. Would you like to eat dinner with fragrant lilies in the room?

Beatrice: Yes.

Emily: WELL THEN YOU'RE INSANE!

Blame Booze and Melville

Rory: We're fondue purists, Grandma.

Lorelai: Yea we dip old school.

Emily: The government says you should have nine servings of fruits and vegetables per day.

Lorelai: Imperialist propaganda.

Rory: Noam Chomsky would agree.

Lorelai: I bet Noam doesn't dip fruit.

Caesar: Hello. Hold on. Hey, Luke, it’s for you. It’s Taylor.

Lorelai: Caesar! You just broke Luke’s standing 'when Taylor calls I’m out even if he can see me through the stupid connecting window' rule.

Rory: I can't get "coming around the mountain" out of my mind. It's like one of those phrases like "drop it like it's hot" that I really wish I'd never heard.

Rory: You've caught me up. Society's caught me up. The health channel on cable's caught me up. Miss Driscoll the sad spinster gym teacher at Stars Hollow High caught me up.

Lorelai: Miss Driscoll, right. Like she would ever need birth control.

Lorelai: I just ate an apple.

Rory: Uh oh.

Lorelai: Yeah. And I liked it.

Rory: Whoa!

A House Is Not a Home

Colin: I'm Colin. This is Finn. And you are?

Lorelai: Her mother.

Finn: My God those are good genes.

Lorelai: Now whats on the agenda for today. I hear there's a shipment of plutonium coming in on the docks. And I thought we could dress up as nuns and you could fake a stigmata and you could put the plutonium under your habit...