Excuse me, sir. Seeing as how the VP is such a VIP, shouldn't we keep the PCon the QT? 'Cause if it leaks to the VC he could end up MIA, and then we'd all be put on KP.
The Mississippi River broke through a protective dike today. What is a protective dike? Is that a large woman standing near the river going [in Butch voice] "Don't go near there!" [in Girly voice] "But Betty-" [in Butch voice] "Don't go near there! Get away from the river! Stay away from there." I know, we can't use the word "dyke." You can't even say "lesbian", it's "women in comfortable shoes." Thank you very much.
[as Walter Cronkite] I just want to begin by saying to Roosevelt E. Roosevelt, what it is, what it shall be, what it was. The weather out there today is hot and shitty with continued hot and shitty in the afternoon. Tomorrow a chance of continued crappy with a pissy weather front coming down from the north. Basically, it's hotter than a snake's ass in a wagon rut.
[to Trinh] You know, you're very beautiful. You're also very quiet. And I'm not used to girls being that quiet unless they're medicated. Normally I go out with girls who talk so much you could hook them up to a wind turbine and they could power a small New Hampshire town.
Sometimes you got to specifically go out of your way to get into trouble. It's called fun.
Hey, we're back. That last few seconds of silence was Marcel Marceau's newest hit single, "Walkin' In The Wind." And now, here are the headlines. Here they come at you right now. Pope actually found to be Jewish. Liberace is Anastasia, and Ethel Merman jams Russian radar. The East Germans, today, claimed that the Berlin Wall was a fraternity prank. Also the Pope decided today to release Vatican-related bath products. An incredible thing, yes, it's the new Pope-on-a-Rope. That's right. Pope-on-a-Rope. Wash with it, go straight to heaven. Thank you! Meanwhile, Ethel Merman managed to jam Russian radar, she was quoted as singing [loud and off-key] "Oh, IIII've got a feeeeeliiiing... that loooove is here to staaaaay!". When asked for a statement, the Russians simply replied [with a Russian accent], "What the hell was that?"
Here's a news flash: Today President Lyndon Johnson passed a highway beautification bill. The bill basically said that his daughters could not drive in a convertible on public highways.
You're a very attractive man, Abersold. Don't think I haven't noticed.
I'm saying I'm through, Ed. I'm tired of people tellin' me what I can't say. "This news isn't official." "That comment is too sarcastic." I can't even make fun of Richard Nixon, and there's a man who is screaming out to be made fun of. So, fuck it.
[As camp fashion consultant] Thank you. I think this fall, the discerning GI is gonna be wearing green in the jungle. Why? Because it matches with the green! The leaves, they fall upon the helmets, says yes to me.
Five months in Vietnam and my best friend is a V.C. THIS WILL NOT LOOK GOOD ON A RESUMÉ!
My whole life passed before my eyes, and it wasn't even interesting to me.... It zoomed right by, just the way they say it does. Stamp collections, pulling chickweeds from my dad's dichondra plants, arranging rakes by sizes for my mom in the garage. Even encapsulated in two seconds, my life is dull. I find that very alarming.
Let me ask you a question: what is the appeal of Joey Bishop? I mean, the man's not funny. I know funny, and he's not funny. Don't get me wrong, he seems like a nice guy, but my father's a nice guy and he's not funny either! Joey Bishop. I wish someone would explain this one to me.
BG Taylor: Real pleasure. If you have any problems, you come see me. I'm the tallest hog in the trough around here.
[Brigadier General Taylor pauses, looking at Garlick with concern.]
BG Taylor: Garlick, have you put on some weight?
PFC Garlick: Uh, I don't think so, sir.
BG Taylor: Why, son, the shadow of your ass would weigh twenty pounds.
PFC Garlick: I'll work on that, sir!
[BG Taylor waves in acknowledgement as he walks away.]
Garlick: You're not supposed to address the general saying "hiya."
Adrian: What's that, a new rule?
Garlick: No, old rule.
SGM Dickerson: United States Air Force- the hat does give you away. This is not military issue, Airman. What sort of uniform is that?
A1C Adrian Cronauer:Cretan camouflage. If you want to blend into a crowd of drunken Greeks there's nothing better.
Dickerson: That is humor. I recognize that. I also recognize your species of soldier. I had a guy like you in the field one time- he blew himself to pieces, but not before his humor cost the lives of three very fine individuals.[Cronauer starts to speak] You shut your fuckin' hole! You're in Southeast Asia now, pal, you got your cushy little assignment. There's nothing I can do about that. In time, you will make me forget it. You stay out of my way there'll be no problem. But if you toy with me, I'll burn you so bad you'll wish you died as a child. Am I being fairly clear?
Adrian: Yes, sir.
Dickerson: Sir! I work for a living, Airman! You will address me as Sergeant Major Dickerson!
Adrian: Yes, Sergeant Major Dickerson.
[Dickerson glares at Cronauer and leaves]
Adrian:[to Garlick and Hauk] He reminds me a lot of Donna Reed, especially around the eyes.
Adrian: What's the demilitarized zone? It sounds like something out of the Wizard of Oz.
Adrian as Glinda: Oh look you've landed in Saigon. You're among the little people now.
Adrian as Munchkin: We represent the ARVN army, the ARVN army. Oh no! Follow the Ho Chi Minh trail! Follow the Ho Chi Minh trail!
Adrain as Witch: Oh! I'll get you my pretty!
Adrian: Oh my God! It's the wicked Witch of the North! It's Hanoi Hannah!
Adrain as Witch: Now, little GI, you and your little Toto too!
Adrian: We've got our traffic report up there on the Ho Chi Minh Trail. How's it going up there?
Adrian as Reporter: Well, Adrian, it's not going exactly well. There's a water buffalo jackknifed up there. It's not a very pretty picture, there's horns everywhere. I dunno what to say, we're gonna maybe drop in a little napalm there, try to cook him down, have a little barbecue.
Adrian as Camp Fashion Consultant: I want to tell you something. You know, this whole camouflage thing, for me, doesn't work very well.
Adrian: Why is that?
Adrian as Camp Fashion Consultant: Because you go in the jungle, I can't see you. You know, it's like wearing stripes and plaid. For me, I want to do something different. You know, you go in the jungle, make a statement. If you're going to fight, clash. You know what I mean?
2LT Hauk: First of all, don't make fun of the weather here, and don't say the weather is the same all the time here, because it's not. In fact, it's two degrees cooler today than yesterday.
Adrian: Two degrees colder? [gasps] Me without my muff.
Hauk: Okay, who do we have slated for live entertainment in November?
Phil: Well, we originally wanted Bob Hope, but it turns out he won't come.
Hauk: Why not?
Garlick: He doesn't play police actions, just wars. Bob likes a big room, sir.
[The group laughs]
Hauk: That is not funny!
Abersold: How about if it escalated?
Hauk: How about if what escalated?
Abersold: The Vietnam conflict.
Hauk: The Vietnam conflict. We are not going to escalate a whole war just so we can book a big name comedian!
Adrian: These two behemoths were physically abusing a Vietnamese national. I thought since we're here to defend the c-
Dickerson: So you started a brawl, turned the place upside down- real intelligent solution. Do you have any idea how ridiculous it makes me look to have a man under my command start a fucking bar brawl? [Pauses, glaring at Garlick, who is watching from another room. Garlick promptly disappears.] You're not gonna last long here, pal.
Adrian: You can always send me back to Crete.
Dickerson: Oh, you think this is a joke! I can come up with alternatives other than Crete- I'm real good at stuff like that. I got people stuck in places they haven't even considered how to get out of yet. You don't think I can come up with somethin' good? Can you envision some fairly unattractive alternatives?
Adrian: Not without slides.
Dickerson: A bar brawl, that's one, Cronauer. You better stay cool. You better not get involved in anything. You better not even come in range of anything that happens. Or your ass is grass and I'm a lawnmower. Am I being fairly clear?
Adrian: Yes, sir.
Dickerson: Sir! Do you see anything on this uniform indicating an officer? [Pointing to his rank insignia] What does three up and three down mean to you, Airman?
Adrian: End of an inning?
Dickerson: Sergeant Major. Now you get the hell out of here right now!
Adrian: Once again we've got our friend from military intelligence. Can you tell us what you've found out about the enemy since you've been here?
Adrian as Gomer: We found out that we can't find them. They're out there, and we're having a major difficulty in finding the enemy.
Adrian: Well, what do you use to look for them?
Adrian as Gomer: Well, we ask people, 'Are you the enemy? And whoever says yes, we shoot them. [Pause] It's very difficult to find a Vietnamese man named Charlie. They're all named Nyugen or Doh or things like that. It's very difficult for me.
Adrian: Is it true that you're actually-- that you're actually too close to some of the nerve agents they were testing?
Adrian as Gomer: Nerve… uh, gas?
Adrian: Yes, have you used any?
Adrian as Gomer: Well, once, yes, on myself. And it had no-- WOAH! WOAH! No effect on me. I've had no actual-- WOAH! SHE-HOO! WOAH! WOAH! Big dogs! Big dogs landing on my face!
Adrian: I don't know what that means.
Hauk: Where you do imagine you're going?
Adrian: Just gonna get a little something to eat.
Hauk: You don't have time. You'll stay here and drink instant beverages or something. We promised our listening audience Nixon highlights by 4 PM.
Adrian: I've been on the air for four hours. I'm a little hungry.
Hauk: That's a joke, right? I get it.
Adrian: Nooo, I'm actually hungry.
Hauk: Well I'm actually giving you an order. [Walks out.]
Adrian: Oh it's an order. In that case gentlemen. Let's edit.
Nixon: Therefore, there is no place for neutrality or a neutralist sentiment in South Vietnam. As I leave Vietnam today there is no doubt, certainly, in my mind that the Viet Cong will be defeated and this war will be won. Asia does involve, I think, very appropriately as you have suggested, give and take.
Adrian: Well I-- I really didn't make that suggestion, sir, I'm sorry.
Nixon: The United States has no right to give--
Hauk: Why would Cronauer's voice be on this tape?
Abersold: I don't know, Lieutenant.
Nixon: --territory to the communists.
Adrian: Mr. Nixon, thank you for that concise political commentary, but I think I'd like to delve into something slightly more personal for the men in the field. How would you describe your testicles?
[Hauk turns to the radio in horror]
Nixon: That they're soft, and that they're shallow and they have no purpose.
Hauk: Oh, my God.
Adrian: What are you saying, sir?
Hauk: Oh, my God.
Nixon: That they lack the physical strength.
Adrian: How would you describe your sex life with your wife Pat?
Nixon: It is unexciting sometimes.
Adrian: Well, have you considered, possibly, a sex change. There is an operation that can transform you
Hauk: Please don't do this to me. Please don't do this to me.
Adrian: --into a female Great Dane or possibly a very well hung Chihuahua. Mr. Nixon, while you've been in Vietnam, its rumored that you've smoked marijuana. Are you planning to take some of the marijuana home back to the United States? How would you do that?
Nixon: By plane. By helicopter and also by automobile.
Adrian: Can you please do your impersonation of Mister Ed for us?
Hauk: (running into the control room) Cut this thing off! I said cut it off! (Bangs on the tape machine and stops the tape) Where's Cronauer?
Marty: Still eating sir.
Hauk: I want to see him ASAP.
Marty: What's that?
Hauk: As soon as possible!
Marty: VG sir.
Garlick: [into the mic] We interrupt this press conference to bring you this emergency performance of the Benny Goodman Orchestra.
Hauk: Sir, the man has got an irreverent tendency. He did a very off-color parody of former VP Nixon.
Brigadier General Taylor: I thought it was hilarious.
Hauk: Respectfully, sir, the former VP is a good man and a decent man.
Brigadier General Taylor: Bullshit! I know Nixon personally. He lugs a trainload of shit behind him that would fertilize the Sinai. Why, I wouldn't buy an apple cider from the son of a bitch and I consider him a good, close, personal friend!
[Adrian sees the story about the bombing that he witnessed and he starts taking it to the control room, going past the two censors]
Censor #1: What do you think you're doing? You know you're forbidden to read anything not checked by this office.
Adrian: What's there to check? I was there.
Censor #1: Airman, you know the rules. If this is a legitimate news story, it must go through proper channels.
Adrian: Listen, Tweedledee, it's an actual event. [referring to the blood on his shirt] What do you think this came from? Shaving? It's the truth. I just want to report the truth. It'll be a nice change of pace.
Dickerson: What's going on here?
Adrian: Sir, will you listen to me?
SGM Dickerson:[reads the story] This is not official news, Airman. As far as I'm concerned, it didn't happen.
Adrian: It did happen.
SGM Dickerson: You shut your mouth!
Adrian: What are you afraid of Dickerson? People might find out there's a war going on?
SGM Dickerson: This news is not official.
Adrian: You want everyone going under the assumption it's perfectly safe here, don'tcha? Well, it's not. The fighting's not just in the hills, it's downtown. It's a couple of fucking BLOCKS!
SGM Dickerson: I SAID IT IS NONE OF YOUR GODDAMN BUSINESS!
Adrian: I see your point. I'm sorry. I guess I get inside, hit these air conditioners, I get a little dizzy. Thanks for setting me straight.
Brigadier General Taylor: I think I see a pattern forming here.
Dreiwitz: Sir, these letters are unequivocal! Uh, e.g., [reads a letter] "Hey, Hauk. Eat a bag of shit. You suck." That's pretty much to the point, sir, not much gray area in this one.
PFC Garlick: We got one positive call from some guy in Wichita, who thought that Hauk's comedy was "visionary and interesting." The other eleven hundred calls say that the man can't do comedy to save his dick! [pause] That's a direct quote, sir.
Phil: I've taken ninety calls this morning-- they just don't like Hauk.
PFC Garlick: From a Marine in Danang: "Captain Hauk sucks the sweat off a dead man's balls." I have no idea what that means, sir, but it seems very negative to me.
Brigadier General Taylor: I think the troops are trying to tell us something, fellas.
PFC Garlick: Gentlemen! Hey guys, guess who the hell I got in here.
Adrian: Oh no, don't do this shit.
Soldier 1: Groucho Marx!
Soldier 2: Senator Dirksen.
Soldier 3: Curly!
PFC Garlick: Come on. Come on, come on, come on! Guess again.
Adrian: Oh bag it, bag it, Garlick.
PFC Garlick: The fellow I got in here is the gentleman, the one and the only...
Adrian: Oh, you're a dead man.
PFC Garlick: The king of the airwaves, Adrian Cronauer!
Adrian: Listen, I gave you my friendship, and my trust. And now they tell me that my best friend is the goddamn enemy!
Tuan: Enemy? What is enemy? You killing my own people so many miles from your home. We're not the enemy! You the enemy!
Adrian: You used me to kill two people! Two people died in that fuckin' bar!
Tuan: Big fucking deal! My mother's dead. And my older brother, he's dead. Shot by Americans. My neighbor, dead. His wife, dead. Why? Because we're not human to them. We're only little Vietnamese. And I'm stupid enough to save your bullshit life at An Lac.
SGM Dickerson: Ten-hut.
BG Taylor: At ease. [Turns to Adrian] Cronauer, I'm sorry as hell about this thing. Goddamnit, I like you, son. I like what you do. Most of all, I like what you've done for the men. [Pauses, glancing at SGM Dickerson] But fact's a fact. This could give the Army a black eye. I'm not gonna cover for you this time, son.
A1C Adrian Cronauer: Sir- what about the show?
BG Taylor: We'll handle it. I'm sorry, son.
[BG Taylor leaves SGM Dickerson's office; there is a long pause. Cronauer looks at Dickerson, at a loss for words.]
A1C Adrian Cronauer: Why'd you do this?
SGM Dickerson: I don't like your style, your politics or your sense of humor. I don't like what you say or how you say it. From now on the fighting men of Vietnam will hear exactly what they're supposed to hear. You're on a DC-8 out of Tan Sun Nhut Airport tomorrow morning- I recommend you pack quietly. That's all I have for you, Airman.
[SGM Dickerson sits down at his desk, returning to his paperwork. Cronauer heads for the door, but halts suddenly and turns and leans back into the office.]
A1C Adrian Cronauer: You know? [SGM Dickerson looks up] You are in more dire need of a blowjob than any other white man in history.
[Cronauer closes the office door and leaves; Dickerson gets up to pursue him, but BG Taylor is waiting in the hallway.]
BG Taylor: Whoa, there, Dick. Put the brakes on. I wanted to wait until Airman had left to talk with you. Dick, I'm transferring you.
SGM Dickerson: [Startled] Transferring me, sir?
BG Taylor: Mm-hmm.
SGM Dickerson: Where to, sir?
BG Taylor: You're goin' to Guam.
SGM Dickerson: Guam?! Sir, there's nothing goin' on in Guam! Why Guam?
BG Taylor: Dick, I've covered for you a lot of times, 'cause I thought you was a little crazy. But you're not crazy, you're mean. And this is just radio.
[BG Taylor walks away, leaving a stunned Dickerson behind him. As he presses the button for an elevator and gets inside, Taylor starts laughing.]
BG Taylor: "More dire need of a blowjob than any other white man in history". That's funny.