Harley Quinn (TV series)

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Harley Quinn is an American adult animated web television series based on the Harley Quinn character created by Paul Dini and Bruce Timm.

Season 1[edit]

Til Death Do Us Part [1.01][edit]

Man: [Gentlemen]! My fellow whites. Let's raise a glass to this pyramid of money, the foundation of which was built upon our favorite pastime: Fucking the poor!

Harley Quinn: [excitedly] Is this the good kinda acid that gives you superpowers?!
The Riddler: No!
Harley Quinn: Awwww...

Poison Ivy: Just stopped by to check up on ya, but I see you're doin' great, love the new look, I'm gonna pick up some Thai food, text me what you want, okay?
Harley Quinn: Oh, no, wait! I'll have a green potato curry.
Poison Ivy: Yeah, but I mean-I just-just text it to me.
Harley Quinn: But you're right here.
Poison Ivy: Yeah, but then I'm not going to remember what you want, and you won't like what I get you, and you're gonna want some of mine. Just-just fuckin' text it.

A High Bar [1.02][edit]

The Joker: I need a permit for a trap door? The whole point is no one is supposed to know about it! Especially the city.

Harley Quinn: I know it's you Scarecrow,Two-Face,other half of Two-Face,Bane.

[Two-Face and Scarecrow laughs at Harley's imitation of Bane]

Bane: [annoyed] I'm going to blow up this Bar Mitzvah!

So You Need a Crew? [1.03][edit]

Harley Quinn: I need a fucking crew!
Poison Ivy: No you need a shower.

Dr. Psycho: [fighting Wonder Woman] OW! That really hurt, you cunt!
[everything, including the Earth itself, comes to a shocked standstill]
Poison Ivy: [watching the fight on TV] Holy shit!

Harley Quinn: [To Maxie Zeus] Ah, Got it. So you're just a creepy dick, I'm not fucking you.

Clayface: The name is Clayface, thespian extraordinaire recently portraying the juicy role of country boy bartending in the big city!
Dr. Psycho: I thought you were playing the role of literal piece of shit.
Clayface: Not yet. [transforms into Doctor Psycho] NOW I'm a literal piece of shit!

Dr. Psycho: So who do you need me to mind-control to open the door?
Harley Quinn: No, no. No one. Just squeeze into the crawlspace, get into the house, and open it from the inside.
Dr. Psycho: Are you shitting me? I'm a genius telepath! Why're you wasting me on THIS?
Harley Quinn: You're the only thing small enough to fit!
Dr. Psycho: Got it. Sonofabitch!

Harley Quinn: Then they all ran off with that loser Kite Man!
Poison Ivy: Yeah, what a loser that guy is. Did he mention my name?

Poison Ivy: Holy fucking shit, Harls. You did it. I would not have seen that coming.

Finding Mr. Right [1.04][edit]

Superman: Is she mad about the paywall too? $7.99 is an ambitious price point, and it doesn't include the crossword, which is ridic.

Poison Ivy: Harley! You can't kill him.
Harley Quinn: You don't think I can kill a 12 year old?! Oh, okay. Well, I will smash in his face with a bat like a WATERMELON!

Lois Lane: I don't retract articles and I definitely not writing a puff piece about... What was your headline?

Joshua Cobblepot: Kill him, Ivy!

The Joker: Harley! What the fuck do you think you're doing? Are you trying to steal my Batman?

Harley Quinn: Robin's lying. Why would I fight a kid? I want a nemesis with some hair on their chest!
Poison Ivy: [snorts in amusement] Well, that rules out Batman. Catwoman says he waxes everything.

Dr. Psycho: Last week I was in the fucking Legion of Doom and now THIS is my life!

Poison Ivy: You can't fuck with Lois Lane, people.

Batman: I'm gonna say something embarrassing here. I didn't have a nemesis until... my late twenties.
Robin: Don't patronize me, father, it's unbecoming.
Batman: It's true. I wasn't ready for one. You want your first nemesis to be special. Someone that you can see being your nemesis for the rest of your life.
Robin: I suppose you're right, father... When can I start having sex?
Batman: I... think I hear the bat-signal. [grappling-hooks away]

Being Harley Quinn [1.05][edit]

Harley Quinn: Hey, Ive, I think there's something really screwed up about me.
Poison Ivy: I wanna say this in just the most loving way, but there's NO way that this is just occurring to you now.

King Shark: Sorry you didn't get that mack-in-a you were talkin' about—but at least that guy showed up outta nowhere to save us for no reason!

Dr. Psycho: Now everyone hold hands and squeeze your butt cheeks together.

You're a Damn Good Cop, Jim Gordon [1.06][edit]

Giganta: You think I care about you or your jolly green whore?
Poison Ivy: Okay, I'm standing right here.
Giganta: I don't have time to give some review. I'm too busy getting cunnilingus from my new boyfriend Brad, who's amazing at it!
Dr. Psycho: [scoffs] Only weak men do that. [Brad uses his tongue to sculpt a statue from ice cream] Oh, fucking hell!
Poison Ivy: [impressed] Call me.

Poison Ivy: Quick side bar. How did this [i.e. being married to Giganta] work...sexually?
Dr. Psycho: Not great!

Dr. Psycho: [rides an invisible motorcycle from a skyscraper] I am a golden god!

Poison Ivy: I don't understand your obsession with the Legion of Doom. They are actual pieces of shit.
Harley Quinn: Obviously! But those pieces of shit were the only people Joker respected. I'll never match up to him unless I'm in the Legion too.
Poison Ivy: So let me get this straight: you're not over your ex, and you want to throw your success in his face.
Harley Quinn: Exactly!
Poison Ivy: Honestly, that might be the most relatable thing you've ever said.

Harley Quinn: [Looking around Batman's Batcave as she dangles from the ceiling] So this must be where you fuck the bats.

Dr. Psycho: [to Harley] Can you please fire me now so I can get some unemployment?

Harley Quinn: We're gonna rob Bruce Wayne!

The Line [1.07][edit]

Poison Ivy: First of all, I care about the environment. Okay, I don't know what about that makes me a bad guy.
Harley Quinn: Yeah, says the girl who dissolved the head of Ace Chemicals in a bath of his own herbicide.
Poison Ivy: Best Earth Day ever.

Queen of Fables: You know, no one ever talks about it, but it's almost impossible to get brain out of a cape.

Queen of Fables: You fucked up, Harley.
Harley Quinn: You know, I do a lot of that, so you're going to have to be more specific.

Jason Praxis: My cousin twice removed... completely removed.

L.O.D.R.S.V.P. [1.08][edit]

King Shark: You're not my Dad!
Aquaman: That is contrary to what she said.

[Aquaman breaks a fish tank in a fight, causing the fish to splash all over the floor]
Bane: Look! I am stomping on your fish!
Aquaman: Bane, stop it!
[Aquaman picks up as much sealife as he can]
Harley Quinn: Hey, there's a YMCA pool down the street!
Aquaman: Oh, yeah, yeah! "Just throw saltwater fish into a chlorinated pool! Water's water, I guess!" Come on! What are you, four?

Poison Ivy: Hey, buddy, now that you're done kissing your own asshole...
Lex Luthor: That's not a phrase.

Harley Quinn: So you got a fish tank and you do improv?
Poison Ivy: Wow, you're my shitty college boyfriend.

Poison Ivy: Is that what it stands for? I thought it was Legion of Dildos.
Lex Luthor: That is a sex shop down the street with whom we're currently in a protracted legal battle.

Poison Ivy: Did someone call for...kelp?

A Seat at the Table [1.09][edit]

Bane: I wish they would make a sequel to Up.
Lex Luthor: No, they can’t! The story ended with the first movie.
Scarecrow: Unless... the kid is the old man in the sequel.
Bane: Oh, that’s fun! That’s a good one!

Harley Quinn: When my mind is set, it is set. Hell, they blew out three electricshock machines at Arkham trying to get through to me.

The Joker: You know, everyone remembers me for the big crimes. The murders, the cripplings. But it's the little ones that keep me going.

King Shark: Instead of a boy, it's a fish, and instead of a wolf...
Harley Quinn: It's an orca.
King Shark: No! It's a wolf named Orca. But it can swim, which is terrifying!

Clayface: What did you say to Black Manta to elicit such rage?
Dr. Psycho: Nothing racist...

Bane: What is taking your shark friend so long to plant the bomb?
Dr. Psycho: Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's because he's a shark and not a demolitions expert!

Poison Ivy: You're in a pot, Frank. I'd have to carry you.
Frank the Plant: So what? I carry you emotionally.

Clayface: They put us in the goon pool.
Harley Quinn: Ooh, that sounds fun.
Dr. Psycho: Fun? It's not the fun kind of pool!

Bane: Is your card... the three of clubs?
Harley Quinn: No.
Bane: Fuck.

Harley Quinn: I know you were just trying to protect me and, listen, I'm gonna do the same thing for you. Okay, just cause I'm a card carrying member of the Legion of Doom now...
Poison Ivy: Fuck that place in the ass!

[Saving Harley Quinn from falling after the Joker tossed her out from his helicopter.]
Batman: [sympathetically] Some things never change, Quinn.

Lex Luthor: This is where we get approval for the use of Legion resources like goons and getaway cars...
Bane: And 'splosions!
Lex Luthor: I have no idea what the fuck "'splosions" are, Bane! But we do have EXPLOSIVES.

Bane: The streets will run with razzy zazzy!

Bensonhust [1.10][edit]

Harley Quinn: How much of this am I hallucinating?
Dr. Harleen Quinzel: Just me. Weirdly, the passed-out guy with the boner and the talking plant driving a car are both real.

Bane: The credit card is for emergencies only, but your bill is all candies and vape pens and something suspiciously labelled "dolphin encounter"! When you put out a hit, you pay in cash!
Joshua Cobblepot: Okay, fine, I'll cancel it!
Bane: Already done, because I am this credit card's reckoning! I am cutting this card, and I am cutting it in half— [tries cutting the card in half with childproof scissors] ...These blades are dull. I will bend it!
Joshua Cobblepot: Don't do that!
Bane: Too late! Do you think I want to be "Credit Card Paying Man"? I have dreams, too!

Bane: You could blow them up.
Harley Quinn: Ehh, not really my thing.
Bane: I could blow them up.

Frank the Plant: People shit on the WNBA, but I'm a purist. Get those dunks the fuck out my face. Gimme a nice crisp bounce pass. That's my shit. I'm all about the fundamentals.

Harley Quinn: He broke every promise he ever made!
Sharon Quinzel: And he apologized for that and made a whole bunch of new ones.

Harley Quinn Highway [1.11][edit]

Scarecrow: Tsk tsk tsk. Trying to escape on surgery day. Don't worry, insurance will cover it. [beat] ...Obviously that was a joke; insurance would never cover this. I-I think we can all agree they're the real villains, yeah?
Poison Ivy: I would agree with tha— [gets sedated]

Clayface: Good thinking, old chum, knowing I would clog up its gears but it wouldn't kill me.
Dr. Psycho: Yeah, that was, uh, that was definitely a thing I knew.

Poison Ivy: Who the fuck braided my hair?
Sy Borgman: Eh, I was bored.

Mook: She has no powers now, she's just a helpless woman!
Poison Ivy: Uh, who still has hands! [picks up a gun and shoots him] And the goddamn Second Amendment!

[Clayface throws up clay, and reabsorbs the clay back into himself]
King Shark: I do not know how you can live with yourself.

Harley Quinn: Gentleman--and Psycho--begin Phase 2.

King Shark: That was incredibly violent. I did not realize there was so much stuff inside a tree.

Frank the Plant: Everybody feel that pucker in your asshole? That means shit is about to get real.

Frank the Plant: [to Harley Quinn] Where'd you learn to give a speech? You put your thesis statement at the motherfuckin' top.

[The crew discovers that Poison Ivy's biggest fear is... Harley Quinn?]
Frank the Plant: Oh, shit!
Clayface: Dear God. We're Empire Strikes Back-ing it!
Frank the Plant: You're her biggest fear? I did NOT see that coming. That's some M. Night Shyamalama shit!

Devil's Snare [1.12][edit]

Poison Ivy: We didn't do it! We aren't responsible for the tree monsters! I secretly watch NASCAR! I take long showers! I think paper straws are stupid and get too soggy! I was excited for Jazz Fest! [cries out in agony as the Lasso Of Truth glows] Fine! I was very excited for Jazz Fest!

Clayface: I know what we need! An idea! ... Anybody got one?

Clayface: Oy! Bubbeh, it is I, Grandfather Wolf!
Dr. Psycho: Okay. First, that's a male wolf, dressed like an elderly human female. Second, why is your wolf Jewish?
Clayface: ...I took a swing.

Harley Quinn: Nice save, Jerk-Off League!
Superman: That's not our name at all.

[Ivy becomes a giant]
Dr. Psycho: [gets excited] Thirty dollars if you put me in your pocket! [everyone stares at him] What? I got a type. You knew this.

Poison Ivy: You know what? You're really taking the romance out of it when you just call it "my plant control thing".

King Shark: Uh, I hate to be a downer, but we are completely and utterly screwed. Oh, I wore that well. Umm, maybe I don't hate being a downer. Ooh, maybe I shouldn't feel so much pressure to put a positive spin on things.

Harley Quinn: All right, everybody, back in the tank. If you need to pee, now's your chance.

King Shark: People ask me who would win between a wolf and a shark. [spits out a bone] It's a shark.

Queen of Fables: Word of advice: don't smell Rapunzel's hair. Ain't no shower in that tower.

The Final Joke [1.13][edit]

The Joker: [after throwing Harley Quinn into acid] Wait a minute. Did anyone hear a splash? I've fallen in acid enough times to know that there should be a splash.

Batman: I work alone.
Commissioner Gordon: What about me?
Batman: Not now, Jim.

The Joker: Now I know Batman is just some boring rich asshole with parental issues.
Batman: That's really reductive.

The Joker: What is wrong with me?
Batman: You're a sociopathic narcissist!
The Joker: It was rhetorical, asshole! And who do you think you are, a psychiatrist?

King Shark: Harley, a few words?
[Harley stifles back her tears]
Clayface: Let her grieve. I've prepared a little something. [clears his throat while Harley sobs] We have gathered today to pay respects to our beloved friend. Her death was not an empty sacrifice. And, of my friend, I will say just this. Of all the souls I have met on my journeys, hers was the most - human.
Dr. Psycho: Wow, that, uh [sniffles] Wasn't awful.
Clayface: As apropos a speech now as when it was originally delivered by William Shatner's Captain James Tiberius Kirk in Star Trek II: Wrath of Khan.

The Joker: I know I should have harpooned you in the head. One in the head, one in the heart. It's Harpooning 101.

[Joker kills Scarecrow]
The Joker: ...Not even that was fun.
[Joker approaches newly-unmasked Batman/Bruce Wayne]
The Joker: WayneTech promised an electric car by this year! I put a deposit down! Where's my goddamn electric car, Bruce?

Season 2[edit]

New Gotham [2.01][edit]

Dr. Psycho: Are we living in a mall or a zoo?
King Shark: I like to think of it as both now.

Harley Quinn: Yuck, you worry too much, Ive.
Poison Ivy: Uhhh, you know I think I am just worrying about the perfect amount, to be honest.

The Penguin: There's got to be a hierarchy.
Two-Face: Exactly! It goes super villains, sidekicks, goons that went to Harvard, and then goons.

Poison Ivy: You know, I am trying to be less of a know-it-all, so I am just going to read a book. but I just can't, it's just killing me. I told you so! Okay, now I am going to read a book.

Harley Quinn: Listen up, goons.
Hench: Excuse me, I identify as a hench.

The Riddler: We need goons! Now they all think they're us. If everyone is a villain, then no one is.
Two-Face: And we need to get them back in line. We need structure.

Two-Face: [to Bane] Can I ask you a serious question? Why are you so stupid?

Harley Quinn: This is what I've always wanted, Ivy. Anarchy and sushi.

The Penguin: Without your bat, you're just a defrosted gymnast!

Riddle U [2.02][edit]

King Shark: Well, that was a surprisingly easy and delightful stroll across an apocalyptic wasteland.

Commissioner Gordon: Best thing about chest hair. Chip catcher.

Harley Quinn: What? It's an ice flue. You know I can't resist alcohol being poured down an icy surface.
Poison Ivy: No, I did not know that.

Harley Quinn: Damn it! How is a girl supposed to plan her takeover of Gotham if she (raising her voice to a yell) can't see her kill board?!
Poison Ivy [long-suffering look]: It's only six people, Harls, and two of them were dead when you made the list.
Harley Quinn: Well, I wanted to give us a head start.

Trapped [2.03][edit]

Kite Man: Turns out in a post-apocalyptic world, kites are pretty crucial.
Harley Quinn: You know, you don't have to say that every time you drop us off, okay?

Harley Quinn: And you're free to... umm, shut your trap, Trap!

Harley Quinn: Here, kitty, kitty!
Catwoman: Are you always this impetuous?
Harley Quinn: Give me a dictionary, and I'll tell you.

Harley Quinn: Ohh, now I've got smashing blue balls. [breaks a nearby bust] Ahh, now I can get on with my day.

Poison Ivy: No, no see, you don't get it. Selina's like, she's so confident and cool. And somehow, she just like, draws you in by being aloof. You know, you just see her, and you're like, "Ah, I want to be like that". And then, you see her wearing overalls, and you're like, "Oh, maybe I want overalls". And then suddenly, you have a closet full of overalls that don't look good on you.

Thawing Hearts [2.04][edit]

Harley Quinn: Everyone into the ice vagina.

Kite Man: Hey, does uh this tie go with kite?
Poison Ivy: No tie goes with the kite.

King Shark: [about Dr. Psycho] You are a vile, pocket-sized man.

Harley Quinn: Wait! I know how we can save your wife!
Mister Freeze: You're only saying you'll save her life to save your own.
Harley Quinn: So what, you don't want me savin' your wife's life? Okay, I won't.
Mister Freeze: Hey, relax, relax. Let's not jump to conclusions. This is a negotiation. How do you propose to perform this miracle?
Harley Quinn: My friend's a doctor and the smartest person I know.
Doctor Psycho: Wow! That's the nicest thing you've ever said about me.
Harley Quinn: Not you, idiot. Ivy.
Doctor Psycho: Yeah, that makes sense.

King Shark: Well, I hope you’re proud of yourself. You've falsely accused the most woke ice-themed villain in all of new New Gotham!

Mister Freeze: My beautiful girl. Goodbye, my love. Have the life I could never give you.

Batman's Back, Man [2.05][edit]

Ian: For the last time, dude, get the fuck out of here with this "Gandalf could just fly over Middle-Earth and drop into the regular fires of Mount Doom from atop an eagle" bullshit. I clearly laid it out on a Lord Of The Rings subreddit. [to Brian] What do you wanna watch?
Brian: We can watch Harley Quinn.
Ian: NO!
Brian: Have you seen the show?
Ian: Oh, God, no! It's just another heavy-handed female empowerment, where her true story is "quote/un-quote" patriarchy. So basic!
Brian: Yeah, I guess.
Ian: I heard Harley takes down Joker at the end of Season One! I'm sorry, dude, but "cucked" isn't a great color on the greatest villain of all time.
Brian: That's what this review says. [to Ian] Hey, you wrote this one.
Ian: I can't believe you wanna watch this show. You know, they just did a three episode arc, where Harley beats Mr. Penguin, The Riddler and Mr. Freeze by using nothing but her Mary-Sue powers!
Brian: Are you sure you didn't see the show?
Ian: Yeah! Course I'm not a 12-year old boy. Also, dude, WHY would I watch a show that's set in Gotham City, but Batman's barely in it?
Brian: You watched all five seasons of Gotham.
Ian: Because it wasn't a fuckin' tsunami of virtue-signalling. Here, smart guy, let's see what this week's episode of Harley Quinn is about. [reads the's episode information] "Harley Quinn and her best friend Poison Ivy aren't in this episode, which focuses on Batman waking in his coma and vowing to take back Gotham City." Fuck! Fine. But if it sucks, we're watching Family Guy!

Commissioner Gordon: Are you sitting?
Batman: Sometimes I sit.
Commissioner Gordon: Never seen it.
Batman: You don't know everything I do.

Alfred Pennyworth: Why don't you come back to bed? I've made you a cup of honey tea and pigs in a blanket.
Bruce Wayne: I don't want pigs in a blanket: I want to fight crime! I will take that honey tea.

Commissioner Gordon: Now I brought a list of things that I need you to pay for so I can take back the city. One: police officers. Two: a codpiece that I can wear that opens up and shoots a tiny missile.
Bruce Wayne: That doesn't exist.
Commissioner Gordon: Not. Yet. That's where you and your fat wallet come in.

Bruce Wayne: You can wipe that smug look off your face.
Alfred Pennyworth: That's not smug. This is smug.
Bruce Wayne: Devastating.

Alfred Pennyworth: Your ego is writing checks your broken body cannot cash, sir.

Batman: Do you still have a million followers?
Batgirl: Actually 1.3 million.
Batman: Yeah, but most of them are bots, right?

Teller: We're not afraid of you any more.
Two-Face: What? Of course you are. Look at the guns, and half my face.

Bane: I was born in Hell and I demand respect!

All the Best Inmates Have Daddy Issues [2.06][edit]

Harleen Quinzel: Mr. Dent, You can't burn inmates.
Harvey Dent: Not yet. But Prop 17 gives an exciting new definition to prisoners' rights.

Harleen Quinzel: [spits on Harvey Dent angrily] Fuck off, Two-Face!

Poison Ivy: YOU came up with 'Two-Face'?
Harley Quinn: And I didn't get a single royalty...

The Joker: No matter how fun the crime is, eating alone is a real drag.

The Joker: You wanna know how I got these emotional scars?

Poison Ivy: I guess the acid really did change him.
Doctor Psycho: Which is why I just smoke joints. [Laughs alone] Fuck you, that was good one.

Commissioner Gordon: So... got any plans for tonight, Batman?
Batman: Uhh, stop Joker from blowing up Gotham.
Commissioner Gordon: Yeah! Huh, of course. I meant, like, after that.

There's No Place to Go but Down [2.07][edit]

Poison Ivy: I'm going to give you a piece of advice about sex at 10,000 feet. Don't do it into the wind.

Bane: You're probably wondering, "Hey, Bane, why no door?" Because where would you escape to? You are in a pit!

Bane: You cannot run from your problems, Harley. Hate weighs you down. Only love sets us free.
Harley Quinn [realising what she has to do]: Ivy.
Poison Ivy [immediately getting it]: No.
Harley Quinn: It's okay.
Poison Ivy: Don't, don't do this.
Harley Quinn: Have a good life, get married, make babies. Name them Harley. The girls and boys.
Poison Ivy: Harley!
Harley Quinn: See? It totally works. You know I love you. Bye, Ive.

Two-Face: What, ya gonna write me a ticket?
Commissioner Gordon: A ticket TO HELL!

Victor Zsasz: I would watch the light leave their eyes and know that their last thought was fear. But now I imagine myself in the bubble of calm and the urge to kill goes away.

Commissioner Gordon: [to Barbara] Are you gonna lend a hand or is Batgirl too cool to help her dad in a montage where we skip past the hard parts of beating an alcohol addiction and cut to the part where I'm clean?

Bane: I am not only a judge, I am also a warden.

Man-Bat: [in bat language] God damn it! This is bullshit!

Harley Quinn: Let's not judge a lawyer by the fact he's a bat.

Inner (Para) Demons [2.08][edit]

King Shark: I promised myself I'd never kill an old person. I'd let the American health system do that.

King Shark: There goes my New Year's resolution to not bite my nails or jump into any interdimensional portals.

Dr. Psycho: [excited] I am rock hard right now!
King Shark: That's nasty.

Dr. Psycho: Wait, who are you?
Batgirl: Um, Batgirl. Anyway…
Dr. Psycho: All right. You know what? As a community, we should really get together and start coming up with more creative names. This is bullshit.

Harley Quinn: So I am going to lie very high!

Commissioner Gordon: Citizens of Gotham! You are here today because you have answered the call. We have an opportunity to save our beloved Gotham City and get back our rightful place in the United States. That means clean water, fresh food, and overpriced Internet providers!

Harley Quinn: So I just got to beat up an old lady and I get an army? I can do that.

Poison Ivy: (to Kite Man's parents) You know what? Fuck you guys. Yeah, I said, fuck you. Because first of all, I am the one who messed up the goddamn reservation, okay. Chuck asked me several times not to forget, because for some reason he cares about you two. And then, he took the heat for it because he cares about me, and for some reason, what you two think about me. So, yeah! He's a kind, loving, supportive partner. And the only miracle here is that you two ghouls somehow raised him. And another thing, he's not lucky to have me, I'm lucky to have him! So, fuck off!

Harley Quinn: Probably be best if you turn around your merry band of meatbags.
Commissioner Gordon: And why the hell would I do that?
[Doctor Psycho laughs maniacally from another dimension]
Harley Quinn: Gordo, I have a flying army from a hell planet under my control.
Commissioner Gordon: Well, I made my decision! And I never back down from my decisions. It’s a terrible quality that has ruined most of my personal relationships, so bring it!

Bachelorette [2.09][edit]

King Shark: Are there other part of your argument besides being able to defecate wherever you want?

Nora Fries: I know I'm just a pity invite because you killed my husband.

Poison Ivy: Uh, look, I know this isn't like a friend group so much as, like, a disparate collection of strange women I glommed on to during the most difficult stages of my life, so…

King Shark: I'm picking up some vibes that maybe you don't wanna get married to me.
Tabitha: What gave it away? The fact that I've managed to chain-smoke even though I'm underwater?

Jennifer: Murder? I don't know. I work in life insurance. … These are bottomless, right? [Amazon shakes her head] Okay, let's kill her.

Poison Ivy: This is for selling out nature and women and--
Jennifer: Not having bottomless mimosas.

King Shark: Tabitha and I worked it out. We'll stay married publicly, but we're each allowed to have secret relationships. I mean, sure, we could probably get along and have a very milquetoast marriage, but I don't want that. I wanna be with someone who excites me. Where love isn't safe, the kind of love that doesn't have limits. I want a soulmate.

Dye Hard [2.10][edit]

The Riddler: Riddle me--
Dr. Psycho: [to Riddler] Oh, shut the fuck up! Can't you see I'm trying to elegantly end this conversation with this mechanical fossil?! Good luck getting out again, fuck head!

The Joker: The storybook is real? Where is it?
Harley Quinn: I don't know, but I think you do. Are you sure you can't just remember?
The Joker: It's like I see the book, but… everything else is cloudy.
Harley Quinn: That's disappointing because I really, really, really don't wanna have to do this.
The Joker: Do what?
Harley Quinn: I'll be seein' ya soon, Mistah J.

Dr. Psycho: The point is, I'm gonna do what you never could, because you are a pussy!
Harley Quinn: Pussies are powerful. They birthed all of humanity!
Commissioner Gordon: I was a C-Section.

A Fight Worth Fighting For [2.11][edit]

The Joker: You know, I thought I had the perfect life before I met you. Maiming, killing, causing general chaos. I thought I had it all.

Darkseid: Who interrupts Darkseid's quest for the Anti-Life Equation?
Dr. Psycho: Uh, it is, hmm hmm, I, Dr. Psycho.
Darkseid: Ah, the dwarf who called Wonder Woman a slur that not even I dare utter.
Dr. Psycho: Gah, that was, like, two years ago. Also, "dwarf" is considered a slur, just FYI. This isn't 'Wizard of Oz'.

Bethany: That's fuckin' ridiculous.
The Joker: Is it any more ridiculous than pointing that gun at my face? The gun you think little Sofia and Benicio don't know about? The gun you've never loaded or shot in your life? [The Joker takes the gun away] Soy yo, pudding.
Bethany: Mi corazon.

The Joker: Lots of dads are serial killers. I'm not going to change who I am.

The Joker: Bethany and I used to cuddle just like that. God, we could just sit on the couch and talk about nothing for hours. We just got each other. She always had my back. … Good God! That's true love.

Dr. Psycho: All right. I'm gonna make this quick. When I was a little boy, my mother brought me to the county fair. There was a Ferris Wheel, a big, beautiful thing, and you had to be a certain height to ride it. And, of course, I was too short. But, my mother would always say, 'Patience, Eddie! I'm sure next year you're gonna be big enough!' Let me tell you right now - the next year rolled around, and I hadn't gotten any taller. Years went by. I hung upside down from my ankles for hours. I took growth hormones. Anything to ride that big wheel in the sky! I never did get there. But then, one day, somethin' very unexpected happened. All those people fell to their death! And it was a RUSH! I thought it was so satisfying to watch all those people die! And that's when I decided to hate women.
Darkseid: I'm not sure that tracks.

The Joker: I wanna give this a shot. ¿Y tú, mi amor?

Lovers' Quarrel [2.12][edit]

Batman: [in flirty tone] Wonder Woman, you look bangin'.
Harley Quinn: What?
Wonder Woman: Batman, are those pecs real or is it just the suit? [giggles]
Harley Quinn: Gross.
Superman: These pecs are definitely real. Give them a grab. Don't-a be shy.
Harley Quinn: Oh, gross! Did you just spray them with Ivy's love pheromones?!
Wonder Woman: [in flirty tone] Maybe we should see what's under these costumes. [giggles]
Harley Quinn: Or not! A lot of not! PLEASE, NOT!

Wonder Woman: [after lassoing a Parademon] I'll only ask once: where is Dr. Psycho?
[Parademon screeches. Confused, Wonder Woman turns to Superman]
Superman: Oh, what, because I'm an alien, I understand all alien languages? [Wonder Woman's eyes widen] OK, I know a little Parademon, but it's still a racist assumption. Be better.
[Wonder Woman rolls her eyes]

Bane: [upon seeing the projection of Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy having sex] I had a feeling. The tension was palpable.

The Joker: [upon seeing the projection of Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy having sex] Oh-ho-ho! She's still limber!

King Shark: [upon seeing the projection of Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy having sex] Oh, this is gonna affect the crew dynamic in a messy and complicated manner.

Harley Quinn: I sometimes can't get over the fact that Ivy has sex with you.
Kite Man: Oh. She does.

Superman: Poison Ivy, we know that you're under Doctor Psycho's mind-control. So I give you this warning. I, Kal-El, do say-
Wonder Woman: We don't wanna have to take you out but if you don't give us another option, we will. That's what he was getting to.

Kite Man: My kite senses are fluttering.

Darkseid: Darkseid is... leaving.

Harley Quinn: Ivy, you call me out on all my bullshit but you don't judge me for it. We have fun wether we're sitting on the couch or murdering a group of investment bankers. You showed me what the best version of myself could be and... and you held me to it. I'm in love with you. I wanna to be with you and... and yes, it might be messy, it might not work. It might even destroy our friendship forever, but love is a risk. I'd rather risk our friendship than pretend these feelings aren't real. You see, you don't give up on love, Ive. Take a risk, take leap of faith and be with me.

Dr. Psycho: Oh, I need a cigarette.
[passes out]

Something Borrowed Something Green [2.13][edit]

Frank the Plant: [banging in a florist van] Pollen season in this bitch! POLLEN SEASON!

Harley Quinn: [driving] Where's the exit?
Poison Ivy: Oh, for the shit of shits! This is why I didn't want to get married here, the parking lot is a damn maze!

Poison Ivy: Chuck, I hate that I hurt you. You know, you deserve everything.

Harley Quinn: If I can't fuck up Ivy's wedding, no one can!

King Shark: Wedding are a joyful occasion. You know, unless you're one of the bridesmaids.

Poison Ivy: Okay, let's do this!
Kite Man: Hell, NO!
Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy: What?
Kite Man: I should have known the third time I proposed, every step in our relationship I've had to do over, and over, and OVER! And-and-and I'm not... after all of this, I am NOT redoing my wedding!
Poison Ivy: Don't... don't you want to marry me?
Kite Man: Of course I do! But you don't! I saw your face during the vows, and I knew your heart wasn't in it. I may be simple, but I'm not a fool. It is hard for me to finally admit it, but since you refused to, I will. I'm not the person for you!
Poison Ivy: No... ah, shit...
Kite Man: Like you said, Ivy, I deserve the best.
[Kite Man flies off]

Commissioner Gordon: I got into public service to shoot bad guys, allowing for the occasional accidental shooting of an innocent because no one's perfect!

Two-Face: I can run your whole campaign from behind bars, like a real campaign manager.

Harley Quinn: I'm really sorry, Ivy! Kite Man will come around, he always does!
Poison Ivy: Yeah, but you know what? I won't! I mean, he's right! I've been denying a lot of myself for a long time! I guess, I guess it seemed easier for me to just go along with it, you know? And now I realize I hurt a lot of people delaying the inevitable!
Harley Quinn: Well, people change, Ive!
Poison Ivy: Yeah! Yeah, people DO change! I mean look at you, what you did for me today! You... you showed me the Harley I always wanted to see, you know?
Harley Quinn: You... you don't think I'm chaotic, crazy and make a bunch of messes?
Poison Ivy: No, you definitely do that. But you're trying to grow, and actually doing it! And that... I mean, for me, that is what matters!
Harley Quinn: I love you, Ive!
Poison Ivy: [smiles] I love you too, Harls.

Poison Ivy: Keep your eyes on the road! I love you, but Jesus...!

Season 3[edit]

Harlivy [3.01][edit]

Clayface: Harlivy! You look radiant!
Harley Quinn: Ah, thanks. We've been doing a ton of fucking.

Commisioner Gordon I'll bring Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy to justice and you'll change that tune! Everyone's gonna be whistlin' Jim Gordon, baby!
Audience member: Fuck you!
Commisioner Gordon: No, FUCK you! [throws the microphones and storms off]

Harley Quinn: I'm getting nervous about Kylie's and Brittney's improv skills with Gordon.
Poison Ivy: They're trained professionals. I'm sure they can buy us at least another five minutes.
[At the top of Arkham Asylum, where Gordon has mistaken Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy for two adult film actresses who look like them.]
Kylie Kyriptonite: Oooh, no. We've been bad.
Brittney Bionic: Oooh, we need someone to punish us.
Kylie Kyriptonite: Not Commissioner Gordon!
Brittney Bionic: We're respect and fear him so much.
Two-Face: Something about this doesn't seem right.
Commissioner Gordon: Hold on. Let's hear 'em out. [Two-Face switches the lights on to see their faces.] What the...? Adult film actresses Kylie Kyriptonite and Brittney Bionic?
Cop#1: I'm a huge fan.
Cop#2: Loved you in The Drilling Joke.
Cop#3: Please, sign my gun.
Cheryl: Can I get an autograph? I-it's for my husband.

James Gunn: Well, Mister Face, what would you say to a job on set as the director's chair? God, you look like a pile of shit, but you feel like a pile of clouds.

There's No Ivy in Team [3.02][edit]

Dick Grayson: Hello, Alfred! Looks like the prodigal son has returned.
Harley Quinn: What up, Gotham City? You ready to lick up my toe? Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy are back! [to Dick] Now, that's how you make an entrance, you fucking dork.

Batman: What's with your voice?
Nightwing: What are you talking about?
Batman: It's a bit... overly serious.
Nightwing: I think it's an appropriate amount of... serious.

Nightwing: [after meeting with Damian] I thought you were four.
Damian: It's been eight years. That's how time works, dickhead.

The 83rd Annual Villy Awards [3.03][edit]

[After seeing the Joker dancing on the stage with two backup dancers, dressing up in Harley Quinn's old costume.]
Poison Ivy: This is beyond messed up.
Harley Quinn: You know, I should hate 'em, but damn it, the girls got moves.

Clayface: Screw Clayface. I choose Thornton.

The Joker: [after Man-Bat's acceptance speech in bat language] I hope we won't have to censor any of that. [laughing] I'm kidding, I'm kidding. It was a very touching speech about your mother's leukemia.

Kite Man: So, uh... this is awkward turtle.
Poison Ivy: No... why, why would that be?
Harley Quinn: Beacuse we had an affair while you were dating, and you left him at the altar for me, and now we're all seated at an award show where you and I are run for "Best Couple"...
Kite Man: Bingo-bango.

Poison Ivy: Okay, bitch... Wait, what happened to you? You know what? I can guess. Let's win this Villy, crush the acceptance speech, and make that trophy a cuck.
Harley Quinn: Totally. How?
Poison Ivy: By making it watch us have crazy sex until dawn. Duh.
Harley Quinn: Okay, I absolutely love that image, but Ive, I'm so sorry. You had real anxiety all night and... I should have helped. I was so fixated on that award when I was with Joker 'cause it was the only validation I've ever got. But that was a bad relationship and I've grown beyond that. So who cares about a dumb trophy? [gently touches Ivy's face] I got the real award right here.
Poison Ivy: Aaw. That is so sweet. But I should have been more excited. I mean, this is important to you, so it is important to me.

A Thief, A Mole, An Orgy [3.04][edit]

Harley Quinn: [singing in heavy metal style]: Ivy is so smart. She's no science wuzzy. And in celebration, I'm gonna eat her puss... [Ivy shows up.] Oh, hey babe!

Poison Ivy: When Catwoman and I hooked up, I wanted more, even though it was so obvious that she didn't. So, I waited around, hoping that she'll change her mind and while I waited I was just wrapped around her little fingers. Anyway, after it finally ended, I felt so pathetic. I never wanted to think about it again, so when you brought it up I just got defensive and I said something I shouldn't. Harley, it wasn't even a real relationship and I know that, because when we got together, I knew I finally found what I've been pining for all those years. [tears up] Catwoman didn't mean a thing to me. But you... you Harley, you mean everything.

It's a Swamp Thing [3.05][edit]

John Constantine: Might I be your service? I tell you where Swamp Thing is, if you can outdrink me.
Harley Quinn: Let's make some shit disappear, Chris Angel!

Bruce Wayne: I purchased these two cats for you.
Selina Kyle: Is the only thing you know about me that I like cats?
Bruce Wayne: These cats are special. They're Persian. I named them Martha and Thomas.
Selina Kyle: After your death parents?
Bruce Wayne: I... I didn't realize. I just considered them to be strong Christian names.
Selina Kyle: I don't take those Anglo-Saxon pseudo parents cats, Bruce.

Alfred Pennyworth: Master Bruce, are you alright?
Bruce Wayne: I'm fine. I don't need Selina. I'm not looking for love. I just want to focus on my career right now. [He looks at Frank who is tied up in his lab.] Poison Ivy did something to him. And I'm gonna figure out what.

Joker: The Killing Vote [3.06][edit]

[Seeing a flying figure rising from the dark while they are trapped in an unstopable rollercoaster train.]
Benicio: Superman! Dad, we're saved!
[Suddenly Commissioner Gordon falls onto their train.]
The Joker: Oh no, it's just Gordon. Keep screaming, son.

Barbara Gordon: That's it, I'm crossing the line. Dad, fire Two-Face as your campaign manager. If you're not, I can't support you anymore.
Commissioner Gordon: Damn, what is with women in this family and ultimatums?

The Joker: You think I made a hard choice? Wrong. I'm only running for mayor for my family. And I'll quit for my family just as easily.

Commissioner Gordon: [to the Joker] Wow. You really are changed. You're the kind of stepdad I wish I can be for my biological daughter.

Another Sharkley Adventure [3.07][edit]

Catwoman: We broke up. Bruce is so clingy. Even for an eccentric billionaire he's got baggage. Workaholic, obsessed with clean eating, and of course, those major abandonment issues from seeing his parents murdered as a child.
Harley Quinn: Well, congrats for freeing yourself from the chains of hetero hell.

Harley Quinn: Why are you smiling?! You were seconds away from being puppeted by a leprechaun in a funky hat.
Batgirl: I knew you'd come back, Harley. You may not be a BONA FIED hero, but you're not as ruthless as you think.
[Harley immediately beats the Mad Hatter to death with her baseball bat.]
Harley Quinn: You were saying?
Batgirl: Yeesh! Did you really just kill him to contradict me?
Harley Quinn: I like killing assholes. Don't read into it.
Batgirl: Whatever you say... friend.
Harley Quinn: [sighs] We are in the AREA of friendship. We're not making bracelets yet. [brief silence] We're NOT! Oh, and FYI, when someone texts "LOL period", the conversation is over!
Batgirl: Got it. Where you goin'? Off to do another good deed?
Harley Quinn: LOL PERIOD! [leaves]

Brother Prince Shark: What are you gonna do, huh? Eat me like you did our other brothers?!
King Shark: Oh, you KNOW that was a mistake! I suffer from hypoglycemic-induced blackouts!
Brother Prince Shark: ALL THIRTEEN TIMES?!?

Harley Quinn: [after throwing Bruce Wayne's unconscious body to the floor]: Who has two thumbs to break and a full set of teeth to yank out? THIS GUY!

Batman Begins Forever [3.08][edit]

Bruce Wayne: [in one of his memories] As a man, I'm flesh and blood. I can be ignored. I can be destroyed. But as a symbol, as a really cool, super serious symbol, I can be incorruptible. I can be everlasting.
Harley Quinn: [to Bruce's child self] You grow up to have a real savior-complex. Who do you think you are? You don't sound like Bruce Wayne there. You sound like... [gasps] Holy shit! You're...
Kid Bruce Wayne: I'm Batman. [lightning strikes]

Harley Quinn: How could Bruce be Batman? I mean, sure, he's the richest man in Gotham, so that explains all the vehicles, and he always goes missing at big galas when villains show up... Okay, if you come to think of it, it's very obvious.
Kid Bruce Wayne: Wait 'til you hear who Superman is.

Kid Bruce Wayne: I don't trust clowns with secrets.
Harley Quinn: I'm barley clown-themed anymore. I just dress like this because it's hot. I mean, check out how good this booty-shorts make my ass look. [Kid Bruce looks confused.] Nevermind, you're eight.

Harley Quinn: You're disgusthing. All this destruction and mayhem for what? Do you really like this?
Past Harley Quinn: Mistah J likes it. Whatever he likes, I like.
Harley Quinn: Oh, and that accent. Oh, my God! So heavy, girl. Ease it down.
Past Harley Quinn: Who do you think you are?
Harley Quinn: Not you. Not anymore. Someday you'll get with the love of your life and realize how foolish you've been all those years.
The Joker: Too bad, you'll miss the wedding.
Harley Quinn: We haven't talked about marriage YET.

Harley Quinn: Hey, you never told me stopping baddies is this much fun. Being a hero is supposed to be lame.
Batman: It has its moments. Costume looks good on you, Quinn.
Harley Quinn: You don't think the shorts are too short? I like to show off a lil' something, but come on. This is a thong.

Climax at Jazzapajizza [3.09][edit]

Poison Ivy: Maybe if I just go to the Green, I can find a way to control them.
Harley Quinn: No, absolutely not! The last time you went there, you almost died.
Nightwing: What other choice do we have?
Poison Ivy: I hate to say this, but the Bludhaven boner's right. Plus, I know what to expect now. [to Harley] I've got this, peanut.
Harley Quinn: Who knew confidence was my kink?
Poison Ivy: Okay, while I'm in there, you and the Bat Freaks try to stall them off.
Harley Quinn: And you're delegating. Oh, I'm gonna need to change my shorts. [Ivy pulls her closer and passionately kisses her.] Oh God, I love you.
Poison Ivy: I know. Now, go!

Harley Quinn: Okay, so which way is the Batcave?
Nightwing: What? What is this Batcave you speak of?
Batgirl: Yeah, it sounds, um, scary. Not some place I'd like to go.
Harley Quinn: Guys, I know Bruce is Batman.
Nightwing: Bruce Vilanch is Batman? Wow! Jokes and crime-fighting?
Batgirl: What a guy!

Bruce Wayne: [introducing his resurrected zombie parents to Damian] Mother, Father, this is your grandson. Damian, say hello to your soon to be completely alive grandmama and grandpapa.
[Damian looks up, uninstrested. He then walks away while playing with his video games.]
Bruce Wayne: [to his zombie parents] Teens, am I right? [realizing] Oh, right. You died when I was eight. Well, they're a handful.

Poison Ivy: [after she had to sacrafice her life-long plan to save Harley's life] FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

The Horse and The Sparrow [3.10][edit]

Poison Ivy: Harley, face it. You... [inhales] you've evolved. You want to help people. You're not a villain anymore.
Harley Quinn: That is not true.
Poison Ivy: Why won't you just admit it?
Harley Quinn: Because I don't wanna lose you.
Poison Ivy: [genuinely surprised] Do you really think that you would lose me?
Harley Quinn: If we don't want the same thing, what is that mean for us?
Poison Ivy: Look, if running the Legion of Doom with me isn't for you, it's okay. I don't want you to compramise yourself. We're equals in this relationship and that's why it's so great. We can fully have different passions. I mean, if I didn't leave you during your craft beer phase, I'm not leaving you now.
Harley Quinn: Yeah, I know, I could not pull off those cargo shorts.
Poison Ivy: Look, as long as you're honest with me, I will support whatever you want to do.
Harley Quinn: But what if I don't know exactly what that is? Look, I know I don't want to kill Joker and I don't want to do big evil plans, but... do I wanna help people? Maybe. I don't know. I haven't really let myself think about it. People are saying I'm not a villain anymore which is fine, like, whatever, labels are lame, but... I'm not ready to identify as... the other thing.
Poison Ivy: You know what? Then we're gonna figure this out together. Right? BFFGFFs. That's us, right?

Poison Ivy: So, okay. That's what you've decided.
Harley Quinn: It is. I was alone for so long carrying around this trauma. Then I met you and I fell in love which helped me get past it. I'm finally in a place where I can actually think about what I want. It's exciting. And scary.
Poison Ivy: I'm so proud of you.
Harley Quinn: So, is Lex gonna be pissed you didn't killed Joker?
Poison Ivy: Oh, he probably wants me even more right now...
Harley Quinn: Hmm. God knows I do. [kisses Ivy]

Harley Quinn: Hey, assholes!
Batgirl: [excited] Ooooh!
Nightwing: Harley? What are you doing here?
Harley Quinn: Yeah, with Baty in the clink, I thought you silly rodents might need a little help. Hm? Don't worry, Nightwing. You still got the best looking ass out of all of us.
Nightwing: Mmm, let's give her a chance.
Batgirl: Are you ready?
Harley Quinn: Like in general or is there some specific we need to do?
Batgirl: Welcome to the fam, Harley!
[Nightwing, Robin, and Batgirl jump off the top of the Wayne Tower, using their grappling hooks to fly away into the night.]
Harley Quinn: Thanks for waiting me, you fucking dildos! [smiles] I'll take the stairs.

A Very Problematic Valentine's Day Special[edit]

Season 4[edit]

Gotham’s Hottest Hotties [4.01][edit]

B.I.T.C.H. [4.02][edit]

Icons Only [4.03][edit]

Business Conference Without Chlamydia [4.04][edit]

Getting Ice Dick, Don't Wait Up [4.05][edit]

Metamorphosis [4.06][edit]

Most Culturally Impactful Film Franchise [4.07][edit]

II Buffone [4.08][edit]

Potato Based Cloning Incident [4.09][edit]

Killer's Block [4.10][edit]

Season 5[edit]


External links[edit]

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