Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay
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- [Discovers that Kumar has brought weed on the airplane] You brought weed on the fucking airplane?!
- Watch out for cheetahs! This is cheetah turf!
- Oh, yeah! Yeah, it's sweet! 'Cuz we're fugitives. Driving a yellow convertible with the top down, dressed like assholes!
- [Dressed in KKK clothes after coming to a KKK barbeque and was asked to say 1 racist thing you did in the week] I did knee an Indian guy in the balls.
- Jesus, Kumar. I don't like it so much.
- [Reciting the poem 'The Square Root of 3'] I fear that I will always be / A lonely number like root three / A three is all that's good and right, / Why must my three keep out of sight / Beneath a vicious square root sign, / I wish instead I were a nine / For nine could thwart this evil trick, / with just some quick arithmetic / I know I'll never see the sum, as 1.7321 / Such is my reality, a sad irrationality / When hark! What is this I see, / Another square root of a three / Has quietly come waltzing by, / Together now we multiply / To form a number we prefer, / Rejoicing as an integer / We break free from our mortal bonds / And with a wave of magic wands / Our square root signs become unglued / And love for me has been renewed.
- Dude, whats a blumpkin?
- Meet the smokeless bong
- Ugh, smells like burnt asshole.
- Its not a bomb, its a bong
- You fucking pissed on me, you racist fuck!
- Dude, this chick is giving me such a boner. Its awesome!
- His dick smells like shit dude!
- You guys wanna know something real fucked up and awesome that I did? I took a Korean guy's toothbrush and I rubbed it all over my dick!
- You remember that time that you broke into the animal lab and, like, stole that monkey and put it in Andy Rosenberg's dorm room?
- [Seeing Harold and Kumar in custody] North Korea and Al Qaeda working together. This is bigger than I thought.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey! Zip it, Hello Kitty, okay? I know your operation's funded through drugs.
- Derek, could I get another water– [Sees Harold and Kumar getting ready to jump out of the cargo plane] WHAT THE FUCK?!
- [Last words] FUCK YOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUU!!!!
Dr. John Beecher
- Enough, Fox! I've had enough of your crap! You think that just because I'm smart, you can treat me like some dork in gym class? It's obvious these kids are innocent, but you're too dumb to realize that. You know, it's people like you who make the world think that Americans are stupid! WELL, WE'RE NOT STUPID!!! AND WE'RE NOT GONNA TAKE THIS SHIT ANYMORE!!!
- [Last words] It's okay, guys. It's all over now. Everything's gonna be alright–
- What in the nigger was that?
- Old Lady: [Sees Kumar is smoking a homemade bong] T-T-T-TERRORIST!
- [The passengers begin to scream and panic.]
- Harold: No, ma'am. He's not a terrorist, he's just an idiot.
- Kumar: This is just a bong.
- Male Passenger: He said he's got a bomb!
- Male Passenger 1: He's gonna blow up the plane!
- Kumar: It's not a bomb, it's just a bong.
- [An undercover flight marshal draws a pistol and tackles Kumar. The bong flies forward, hits the floor and shatters, releasing smoke.]
- Businessman: Poison gas!
- [People start to panic and flee towards the cockpit.]
- Marshal: [To Kumar] You picked the wrong plane, you terrorist fuck!
- Harold: Hey! Hey what are you doing!
- [A second flight marshal tackles Harold.]
- Marshal: There are three, air marshals on board, three!
- Kumar: We are not terrorists sir! That's a bong, not a bomb!
- Marshal: Shut up!
- Marshal 2: [Draws Pistol] I got this one!
- Harold: Ow! I'm in great amount of pain, sir!
- [As the passengers slowly calm down, the first Marshal looks at the crowd.]
- Marshal: Everybody relax. Just calm down everything's under control! Tell them to turn the plane around; these two assholes are going back to the US!
- [Fox has just finished drinking water.]
- Ron Fox: Derek, can I get another water– [Turns around and sees Harold and Kumar getting ready to jump out of the cargo plane] WHAT THE FUCK?! [Gets up, throws the malt ball carton down on the floor, and aims a revolver at Harold and Kumar] Keep your hands up!
- [Harold and Kumar raise their hands up.]
- Harold Lee: Please don't shoot!
- Kumar Patel: Jesus Christ!
- Harold Lee: Please don't shoot!
- Kumar Patel: Okay, okay!
- [As Fox steps towards Harold and Kumar, Beecher steps out of the cockpit and towards Fox.]
- Ron Fox: It will be a cold day in hell before I let you hijack this plane.
- [Beecher grabs the revolver from Fox, throws him down to the floor, and aims the revolver at him.]
- Ron Fox: [Takes his headphones off and throws them down on the floor] Beecher, what are you doing? Huh? Whose side are you on? I thought I told to stay in the cockpit!
- John Beecher: Enough, Fox! I've had enough of your crap! You think that just because I'm smart, you can treat me like some dork in gym class? It's obvious these kids are innocent, but you're too dumb to realize that. You know, it's people like you who make the world think that Americans are stupid! WELL, WE'RE NOT STUPID!!! AND WE'RE NOT GONNA TAKE THIS SHIT ANYMORE!!! [To Harold and Kumar] It's okay, guys. It's all over now. Everything's gonna be alright–
- [As Beecher steps towards Harold and Kumar, he slips on the malt balls that Fox spilled, opens the door of the cargo plane, and falls out of it. Harold and Kumar fall out of the cargo plane as well, while Fox tries to grab onto the seats.]
- [Harold and Kumar are falling.]
- Harold Lee: Fuck!
- Kumar Patel: I don't wanna die!
- Harold Lee: Kumar!
- Kumar Patel: What?!
- Harold Lee: I have the parachute! Come over here!
- Kumar Patel: How the fuck am I supposed to do that?!
- Harold Lee: Swim!
- [Harold and Kumar swim towards each other.]
- Kumar Patel: Holy shit! It's fucking working!
- [Harold and Kumar grab onto each other.]
- Kumar Patel: I love you, dude!
- [Harold and Kumar turn around and see Fox, who has also fallen out of the cargo plane, shooting at them with a revolver.]
- Kumar Patel: Oh, shit!
- Harold Lee: Don't worry about him! I have an idea!
- Kumar Patel: What?!
- [Harold deploys the parachute, with Kumar hanging onto him.]
- Ron Fox: [While falling to his death] FUCK YOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUU!!!!
About Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay
- Our top priority was to make people laugh, but the secondary priority is that there's something a little smarter below the surface. I guess in a certain way it's our reaction to post-9/11 paranoia.
- It's not that Guantánamo Bay itself is funny, but it's utterly ridiculous for Harold and Kumar to be thrown in there.