Henry Beard

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Henry Nichols Beard (born June 7, 1945) is an American humorist, one of the founders of the magazine National Lampoon and the author of several best-selling books.



Latin for All Occasions (1990)

Latin for All Occasions, 1990: A book of various phrases in Latin humorously based on modern forms.
  • Si hoc signum legere potes, operis boni in rebus Latinis alacribus et fructuosis potiri potes!
    If you can read this sign, you can get a good job in the fast-paced, high-paying world of Latin!
  • Si hoc adfixum in obice legere potes, et liberaliter educatus et nimis popinquus ades.
    If you can read this bumper sticker, you are both very well educated and much too close.
  • Si fractum non sit, noli id reficere.
    If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
  • Anates tuas in acie instrue.
    Get your ducks in a row.
  • Lege atque lacrima.
    Read-em and weep.
  • Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare.
    I think some people in togas are plotting against me.
  • Canis meus id comedit.
    My dog ate it.
  • Nullae satisfactionis potiri non possum.
    I can't get no satisfaction.
  • Utinam logica falsa tuam philosophiam totam suffodiant!
    May faulty logic undermine your entire philosophy!
  • Quantum illae stolae pependisti?
    You paid how much for that dress?
  • Having done these things, they made the sacrifices prescribed by custom lest they be found lacking in filial piety.
    • An all-purpose phony translation for Latin inscriptions.
Hidden Latin Insults
  • Podex perfectus es.
    Claim it means: You did a terrific job.
    What it really means: You are a total asshole.
  • Stercorem pro cerebro habes.
    Claim it means: That's certainly food for thought.
    What it really means: You have shit for brains.
  • Futue te ipsum et caballum tuum.
    Claim it means: I've really got to take my hat off to you.
    What it really means: Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.
Phony ailments
  • Taedium pellucidorum.
    An eye condition that keeps you from looking at people's slides.

See also

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