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Millie, Meet Stan [1.1]
- Customer: You just can't tell someone to shut their stupid face.
- Millie: I know, I know... society dictates. Gettin' tired of that tune.
- (voice over)
- Millie: So, little Missy Grumpaloo got kicked right out of the coffee shop by the nasty, angry Stinkaloo. And even though Missy Grumpaloo was right, and pretty, the mean Stinkaloo's words hurt her feelings. Then, Dr. Grumpaloo, who wasn't even really a doctor, said, "Don't you worry, Missy, I'll teach you how to be not be so loud, not so mad, and not so frightened, and not so sad," and that made little Missy feel better, and she didn't feel like she had to come back and burn down Stinkaloo's coffee shop any more.
Strata's Fear [1.2]
- Joyce: You got kicked out of your condo?
- Millie: Slow-poke-picky-pants says I will if the purple part doesn't come off.
- Joyce: Does that make sense to anybody? (Stan raises his hand
Office Clothes [1.3]
- Millie: No, Joyce, please don't make me work in an office! I'm a free bird, a lone wolf, a rogue elephant. I can't be stuck in a cage like a regular elephant. I need to spread my wings and ears.
- Joyce: Finish the book, then you can spread whatever you want.
- Millie: I beg your pardon?
Speed Ball [1.4]
- Crystal: When my dad first wanted my mom to notice him, he threw this huge party so she could see what a big shot he was, and it worked; they were together almost three years.
- Joyce: I just had an idea! I could throw a party for the people here, then everyone would know who I was.
- Crystal: That was my idea. You just stole it.
Hot Luv [1.5]
- (end voice-over)
- Millie: Missy Grumpaloo was chosen by the village to fight the big-headed dragon who lived on Hot Rock Mountain. But the big-headed dragon could breathe fire, and Missy didn't know what to do. So she pulled out a sandwich she was saving for lunch, and offered it to the dragon. But the peanut butter made the dragon sick; and even though they were fighting, Missy visited him in the hospital every day. And when the dragon was all better, he burned Missy's house down, because dragons are jerks.
Carry on Camping [1.6]
- Stan: You know, worms attract bears.
- Anna: How do you figure that?
- Stan: Worms attract fish; fish attract bears. Bears attract death, death attracts worms... circle of life.
- Stan: Finally! A signal.
- Anna: Are there any good Youtubes?
- Stan: Ah, the signal's weak. Something on the news page about people burning books in England, but it doesn't really... ah, I lost it again.
Thanks For Nuttin [1.7]
- (upon being told she has to apologize to Maxwell Smythe)
- Millie: Thank him? I'd rather die! I'd rather be dipped in chocolate, cut up into little pieces, put in boxes, and fed to hungry housewives who sit around watching daytime soaps... ha, where the hell am I going with this?
- Stan: I have no idea.
- (end Grumpaloo voice-over)
- Millie: Little Missy Grumpaloo was out for a walk one day, when she saw Grandma Grumpaloo drop a big bag of apples. Missy gathered up all the apples and gave them back to Grandma Grumpaloo. But Grandma Grumpaloo didn't say 'thank you', and Missy thought that was pretty lousy. But then, when Missy got home, she saw that Grandma had used the apples to bake a fresh yummy pie. So Missy snuck into the kitchen, and stole Grandma's pie to teach her a lesson about being grateful.
Watch and Learn [1.8]
- Millie: I'm sorry, I had you all wrong. You're not a persnickety prune-faced jerk. You're the kindest, most selfless man I have ever known!
- Lewis: Thank you. But for future reference, you can't hold gatherings of more than six people in the hallways. It's a fire hazard.
Hippy Anniversary [1.9]
- Joyce: There is a head shop downtown selling bootleg Grumpaloo bongs.
- Taylor: Well, that's outrageous! They can't be ripping off our authentic Grumpaloo bongs.
- Joyce: There are no authentic Grumpaloo bongs. The Grumpaloos are kids' books; they do not belong on drug paraphernalia.
Model Patient [1.10]
- Taylor: I've got a great idea for merchandising, okay, listen to this: we sell wine coolers to the parents of the kids that are buying your books. We can call it "Grumpa-booze".
- Millie: It sounds like your "Grumpa-shooters" idea from last year, and Joyce didn't like that.
- Stan: All right, Taylor, I think you need to sit down, because this is about to get real. Do you want to spend the rest of your life drifting around from one frivolous affair to the next? Or do you want to find somebody special that you can settle down with like I've done with my wife, the model?
- Taylor: I'll take option one, frivolous affairs.
- Stan: What?
- Taylor: By the way, this whole life-coaching thing, it's not for me. It's too... thinky.
- Millie: One day, Missy Grumpaloo introduced her best friend, Dan, to her other friend, Todd. Dan and Todd became good friends, and started to leave Missy out of their games. So Missy made a new friend, Azria, who came from outer space. But she couldn't understand a word Azria said. Missy told Azria that Todd was planning to invade her home planet, and that's how Missy got her best friend Dan back.
Autograph Hound [1.11]
- Millie: Missy Grumpaloo was looking for her friend, the Something-Or-Other. She looked high and low, but all she could find were Whatcha-Ma-Callits and Whosa-Ma-Whatsits. When she finally found her friend, she realized it wasn't a Something-Or-Other at all, it was a mean Stinkaloo in disguise. And that's when Missy realized that not all Something-Or-Others are what they seem. Some of them are mean and unfriendly, and have stupid moms
Dream Gig [1.12]
- Millie: Perspective, huh? Well, I guess it makes sense. This morning, I was upset because there wasn't any hot water in the shower. But, you're saying, "What does that matter? We're all going to die anyway," right?
- Stan: Um, not exactly.
- Millie: Yeah, but that's the gist of it. You don't kill giraffes and we're all going to die.
- Stan: (looking confused) Okay. So, we're good?
- Millie: Yup. All good. See you tomorrow.
- (end voice over)
- Millie: Little Missy Grumpaloo wasn't used to having a job, and it made her very, very tired. That night, she went to bed and had a wonderful dream that she was at the beach. The next day at work, Missy took as many naps as she could, but she couldn't dream her way back to the beach; so, she pretended to be sick to get out of work, and went to the beach for real, where she laid on the sand, and fell asleep... and dreamed that she was back at work.
You Schmooze, You Lose [1.13]
- Joyce: Look, I got a call from the C.L.A.P.A. awards committee; they're strongly suggesting you be at the ceremony. "Strongly suggesting"! Do you know what that means?
- Millie: They're mafia?
- (final voiceover)
- Millie: So Missy Grumpaloo jumped on the big, mean, stinky ape, and pulled its hair, and made it cry, and sent it back to the depths of the deep, dark jungle. And everyone was so happy, they gave Missy a big, shiny trophy. Which is way better than just being nominated for one.
Hollywood Makeup [2.1]
- Studio Boss: Let's talk about this little display of yours on YouTube.
- Millie: Ooo-kay, look, I am... I am sorry about that, I didn't mean to pull that guy's head off. Well, I guess I must have, because I was pulling really hard. But, it wasn't really his head, uh, his real head's still on. It's just... he was being a jerk! And he was drunk! Oh, you can drink all the vats of gin and bleach schnapps that you want for all I care. It's just, not around the kids. And not when you're wearing a Grumpaloo suit. The kids love them and they believe in them, and I will not stand by and let some jerk tear that down. I'm going to step up, and stop it no matter how much he smells like pee.
- Studio Boss: (to Junior Executive) See that passion? (to Millie)It's that kind of courage and commitment to your art that make us want to work with you.
- Junior Executive: Plus, like you said, those pencil-neck pukes in the marketing department couldn't dream up this kind of publicity.
- Studio Boss: I didn't say that... it's about the art.
- (final voice-over)
- Millie: And with that, little Missy Grumpaloo returned from her magical visit to the land of the stars. Missy shared stories about riding on a huge wave and sneaking into a cave full of musical giants and about her battle with a dirty, obnoxious monster. And to prove she won the battle, Missy brought back the monster's head, which horrified the other Grumpaloos, because it smelled like pee.
Talking Points [2.2]
- Stan: Okay, now you remember the conversation topics?
- Anna: Flavoured popcorn and rum drinks. What about gay marriage? Or women in the priesthood?
- Stan: She doesn't understand what the fuss is all about. But flavoured popcorn drives her nuts. And she can't shut up about rum.
- (end voice-over)
- Millie: One day, Missy Grumpaloo woke up and discovered that she'd lost her beautiful voice. She learned that an evil lizard had stolen her voice, and was holding it for ransom in a magical box. So Missy started performing as a mime and made lots and lots of money. And when she had enough, she returned to the lizard and beat his brains in with her bag of coins and took back her voice.
Gym Dandy [2.3]
Commercial Success [2.4]
- Taylor: This could open up a whole new stream of revenue. Big endorsement deals from fat-cat companies... please tell me you're interested.
- Millie: Sure. Doing TV is fun. Someone does your make-up, and then someone else does your hair; it's like having a sleep-over, without all the stupid giggling.
- (end voice-over)
- Millie: So little Missy Grumpaloo went from town to town selling her wonder potion that she said could cure the 'flu and grow hair. But a Grumpaloo who drank her potion became horribly ill; his neck swelled, and his eyes bulged out. Everyone was scared. But Missy said, "Don't worry, folks! I have another potion here that can cure swollen necks and bulgy eyes! And it's only 20 bucks a bottle."
- Millie: Now, don't take this the wrong way, Doc, but we really don't seem to be getting anywhere with this life coaching.
- Stan: What? What're you... what? Sure we are! You're making terrific progress! How long has it been since you had any kind of...
- Millie: 9:30 this morning.
- (end voice-over)
- Millie: Missy Grumpaloo loved to pretend. One day, she pretended she was a giant mindless robot being controlled by an evil scientist. Missy didn't want to attack the city, but the scientist made her do it anyway; that's how she knew he was evil. Plus, good scientists don't usually have a rat carcass on their head.
Novel Idea [2.6]
Flirt Locker [2.7]
Sexual Healing [2.8]
Home Swapping [2.9]
Moving Pictures [2.10]
Car Pool [2.11]
Welcome Back Potter [2.12]
Wake the Baby [2.13]
- Nancy Robertson - Millie Upton
- Brent Butt - Stan Dirko
- Laura Soltis - Joyce Haddison
- David Ingram - Taylor Rymes
- Emily Perkins - Crystal Braywood
- Paula Rivera - Anna Dirko