How I Met Your Mother (season 2)

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The following is a list of quotes from the second season of How I Met Your Mother.

Where Were We? [2.1][edit]

[Marshall and Lily talk about Lily's program in San Francisco]
Marshall: So that's it? We're breaking up?
Lily: Marshall, I'm sorry. I just, I just need to go to San Francisco and do this art program and-and figure out who I am outside of us, and the only way I can do that is if...if we don't talk for a while.
Marshall: For a while. Try never, okay? You walk out of that door, and we're done. You're never going to hear my voice again! [segue to Marshall talking to Ted] I should call her.
Ted: No, no, if you call her when she asks you not to, you're just gonna look weak and you're gonna regret it. Whenever you feel like calling her, you come find me first... and I will punch you in the face.
Marshall: You're a good friend, Ted.

[Robin complains about Marshall's depression after Lily leaves him.]
Robin: This has to stop! Ted, we just started dating. We agreed we don't want to move too fast, and somehow, we have a baby. He can't feed himself, he cries a lot, he keeps us up all night.
Barney: Have you tried breast feeding? Nailed it!

The Scorpion and the Toad [2.2][edit]

Ted: Five bucks says she still wants Marshall.
Robin: You're on.
Ted: Five American bucks.
Robin: Damn it!

Future Ted: The thing about a hangover is that everyone has their own special remedy.
Waiter: Morning, guys! What can I getcha?
Lily: Shhhhh..... bring me the dirtiest, greasiest Tuna Melt you got. And a milkshake.
Waiter: For you, sir?
Ted: Uggh.... gravy.
Waiter: Do you want that gravy on something?
Ted: ...Surprise me.
Robin: I'd take you with gravy if my boyfriend wasn't sitting right here, heehee! Just kidding, I'm good!
Lily: What are you so chirpy about?
Ted: She's still drunk from last night.
Robin: I don't think so! [looks around, then shakes her chest] WOOOO!

Brunch [2.3][edit]

Robin: I'm a genetic goldmine! No family history of diabetes or heart disease, and everyone has non-porous teeth and perfect eyesight. I had one schizophrenic uncle, but even he had perfect vision... which was unfortunate for the people around the bell tower he was in.

[Barney is taking Ted's father to MacLaren's]
Ted's mother: I'd join you, too, but I want to get up early for mass tomorrow.
Barney: St. Peter's, 8:45 AM. It's my favorite service.
Ted: Wait a minute. You're able to cross the threshold of a church?

Ted Mosby: Architect [2.4][edit]

Barney: Dude, lots of chicks think that architects are hot. Think about that, you create something out of nothing. You're like God. There is no one hotter than God.
Ted: I love it when you quote Scripture.

Kara: [talking about Lily] You should sue her.
Brad: Oh, yeah? On what grounds, Kara?
Kara: On the grounds of... shut up! [She drinks from a beer bong and then spits alcohol everywhere.]
Future Ted: That's our Attorney General.

World's Greatest Couple [2.5][edit]

Ted: Okay, we HAVE to get Lily out of that apartment. Her roommate is a raccoon.
Robin: I'd offer her my place, but I have dogs and she's allergic.
Ted: Dogs? I live with her ex-boyfriend. I think she's more allergic to that.
Robin: What about your place, Barney? I know it's shrouded in mystery, but it's gotta have a couch.
Barney: The Fortress of Barnitude? No way.
Robin: Oh come on. She's desperate.
Barney: Mmm, normally a prerequisite for the women I bring home, but pass.

Lily: Why would I want to change anything? This place is great, except you don't have a TV.
Barney: [Points to wall] See that wall? [Turns on TV] 300 inch flatscreen! They only sell them in Japan but I know a guy. They ship it over in a tugboat like freakin' King Kong!
Lily: It hurts my eyes...
Barney: Yeah, that doesn't go away.

Aldrin Justice [2.6][edit]

Lily: [about Ted's boss, who has designed a building resembling a penis] I can't believe how Mr Druthers treats people, and that building? Talk about overcompensating.
Ted: He's not usually this bad. It's just that his partners have made it clear that this project is make or break for us, so lately, he's been testy. [Lily and Robin smirk] You know what I mean, crotchety. [Lily and Robin begin to laugh] I'm just saying, it's been hard on him. [Lily and Robin laugh harder] All right, stop.
Robin: Did you show Lily your design?
Ted: No.
Lily: What design?
Ted: It's nothing.
Robin: It's fantastic. Just for fun, Ted's been working on his own design, and it doesn't look at all like male genitalia...at least, not healthy male genitalia.
Lily: You should pitch your building to Druthers.
Ted: Are you kidding? He's Hammond Druthers! He's a legend — I'm just part of his team. This building is huge for the firm, so it's important that we don't blow it. [Lily and Robin collapse laughing] All right, enough!

[Barney's in the hospital after trying to sexually satisfy Marshall's law professor]
Professor Lewis: Mr Eriksen, hello. I graded your paper tonight. I was...[looks at Barney] pleasantly surprised.
Barney: [smugly] Yeah she was.
Lewis: [to Marshall, before leaving] B-plus.
Barney: [flustered] B-plus?!? Marshall, after I've gone though my eight weeks of physical therapy, I'm going to get you that A!
Marshall: Let her go. She belongs out there...in the wild. You should be proud. You fought the cougar and lived.
Barney: It was a memorable safari. I can't wait to show you the slides [smiles]

Swarley [2.7][edit]

Ted: So I guess that decides it.
Marshall: Yep.
Barney: Hanging out at a coffee place: not nearly as much fun as hanging out at a bar.
Ted: [Looks at Marshall's cup] Hey, what's that?
Marshall: What?
Ted: That cute coffee girl wrote a heart by your name! [in a sing-song voice] Somebody has a crush on you!
Barney: [in a sing-song voice as well] Somebody thinks you're me!
Marshall: Well, what if the heart doesn't mean anything? What if she writes them on all the cups?
Ted: Mine says "Ted", no heart.
Barney: Mine says... "Swarley"... How'd they get "Swarley" from "Barney"? It's not even a name. Who would ever be called "Swarley"?...[sees Marshall and Ted smile] Oh, please don't start calling me "Swarley"... This would never happen at a bar! [leaves the coffee shop]
Ted: Man! What's up with Swarley?
Marshall: I know. You almost never see old Swarlz get that upset.
Ted: Psssh.

[Barney enters MacLaren's, then suddenly]
Bar Crowd: SWARLEY!!! [Carl the bartender plays Where Everybody Knows Your Name]

Atlantic City [2.8][edit]

Marshall: Hi, we need a marriage license but we need to skip the waiting period because we're in love.
Clerk: Aaww..I'm gonna waive this waiting period right now!
Lily: Really!?
Clerk: Is what I would say if I could waive the waiting period but unfortunately only a judge can do that.
Lily: Oh, so can we see a judge?
Clerk: Absolutely!
Lily: Really?
Clerk: Is what I would say if there was any chance of you seeing a judge today, which there isn't.
Marshall: [clenched teeth] Why are you doing this to us?
Clerk: Because you're on CANDID CAMERA!
Robin: Really?
Clerk: Is what I would say--
Marshall: You know what? We get it.

Barney: If there was any shame in a dude getting a pedicure I don't think there would've been a feature about it in Details magazine.

Slap Bet [2.9][edit]

Ted: Wha...I don't get it! Why won't Robin tell me why she hates malls?
Barney: Ted, you should be happy Robin has a secret. The more you learn about a person, the better chance you have of hitting the fatal "Ohhh..." moment.
Marshall: The "Ohhh..." moment?
Barney: Yeah. That moment when you find out that one detail about a person that is going to be a deal-breaker.
[Flashback to Barney with different girls]
Girl #1: It's a promise ring. I made a pact with God to stay a virgin till I'm married.
Barney: Ohhhh.....
Girl #2: I don't have an eating disorder, it's just when I put food in my mouth, I chew it and then I spit it out!
Barney: Ohhhh.....
Girl #3: I just turned 30.
Barney: Ohhhhhh.....
[back to present]
Barney: So trust me, you want to postpone knowing anything about each other for as long as possible
Ted: Hmm...I disagree. If there's some potential "Ohhh...." moment, I wanna know about it right away. I mean, what's the alternative?
[flash to Robin and Ted at the altar]
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife.
Ted: I love you.
Robin: I used to be a dude.

[The gang watches 'Let's Go to the Mall']
Lily: This is the most amazing thing I have ever seen!!
Marshall: That's YOU?
Robin: Yes. I had one minor hit. I had to go all over Canada and sing this song in malls. For a whole year I lived off of Orange Juliuses and Wetzel's Pretzels.

Single Stamina [2.10][edit]

Barney: [to James] Oh man, I am so excited that you're here! It has been forever since I have been around anyone even remotely fun! [to Ted, Marshall, Lily, and Robin] Huh... yes offense.
James: You are young attractive people here in the greatest city on earth. There are boys and girls in Nobody Cares, Wyoming wishing they could be here.

Barney: OK, here's my thing - if gay guys start getting married, then suddenly the whole world's gonna be doing it. That's how it works: they start something, then six months later, everyone follows. Like... now everyone gets manicures.
Ted: Yeah... I don't get manicures.
Barney: OK, then, like, how... like getting your chest waxed.
Lily: [gasping] Oh! You get your chest waxed?
Barney: [annoyed] You know what I mean! Gay marriage is going to cause single life as we know it to die out. Think of how the American family will be strengthened!

How Lily Stole Christmas [2.11][edit]

[Flashback.]
Ted: I'm sorry, but i'm not apologizing! Look-I was just trying to put the guy back together. You smashed him to pieces!
Lily: Are you seriously not going to apologize for leaving that message?!
Ted: NO!
Lily: Why not?!
Ted: BECAUSE, Lily, this summer you were KIND OF A GRINCH!
Robin and Barney [present]: Oooooooohhhhhhh.
Lily [flashback]: [coldly] You'll be sorry, Ted Mosby.
[Present, at MacLaren's.]
Barney: Ted Vivian Mosby!
Ted: That's not my middle name.
Barney: You kiss your mother with that mouth?!
Ted: Like you've never said that word.
Barney: I don't kiss your mother with my mouth. Yet...
[Barney sneezes]
Ted: Are you sick?
Barney: Is it sick to find maturity and experience sexy?
Ted: No, I meant do you have a cold?
Barney: I'm fine. [blows his nose; Ted and Robin look at him] I'm fine. My nose is just overflowing with awesome and I had to get some of it out. If you'll excuse me, holiday is the time when people are lonely and desperate. It's the most wonderful time of the year.

[At Lily's apartment, Ted and Lily try to patch up over the dirty word]
Lily: Oh, shut up. You think I don't know your fake apologies by now, Ted Mosby? You're clearly still mad at me.
Ted: I'm not mad at you.
Lily: Yes you are.
Ted: [seething] I am NOT mad at you Lily, now can we please just...
Lily: I've apologized to Marshall and he's forgiven me, and we've moved past it. Why can't you?
Ted: Because you've never apologized to me. Marshall's not the only one you walked out on. You leave for three months, you don't even call? Come on, Lily we're supposed to be friends!
Lily: Yeah, some friend, you called me a Grinch!
Ted: You were a grinch!
Lily: How can you...
Ted: Grinchy, grinch grinch grinch, grinch grinch grinch.
[All the lights in the apartment turn off.]
Lily: Happy?! Now you've pissed off the big guy upstairs.
Ted: Yeah, I'm sure God cares if I-
Guy upstairs: You use that language again, and I'll turn off your water!

First Time In New York [2.12][edit]

Robin: [Downs drink] I can't believe my baby sister is planning to lose her virginity to a douche with a faux-hawk. This can't happen, you guys have to help me talk her out of it.
Marshall: A speech to talk a girl out of sex...
Ted: ...yeah I don't have any of those.
Barney: Discouraging premarital sex is against my religion.
Robin: Please? I'm her older sister; I'm supposed to teach her how to make good and responsible decisions.
Lily: It's 2 o'clock and you've already had three Scotch and Sodas.
Robin: That's why I need your help!

[Marshall and Lily castigate Barney for describing his first time to have sex with a girl, which seems familiar to Lily]
Lily: That's Dirty Dancing!
Ted: It was on last night.
Marshall: No, it was two nights ago. "She's Like the Wind" has been stuck in my brain for about 40 hours. I just got it out; now it's back in. Damn you, Swayze!

Columns [2.13][edit]

Barney: [picks up dart] Hey, guys! Guess what I got? A new dart!
Robin: Oh, wow, a new dart!
Ted: Hey, that new dart is great!
Robin: I did not know you were such a fan of "newdart", Barney!
Barney: Oh yes, Robin, I just love "newdart"...”nude art". "Nude art"!
[Barney, Robin, and Ted laugh.]
Marshall: Okay, all right, so what, you guys found the painting, huh?!?
Lily: I knew this day would come.
Marshall: How did you know that?
Lily: Because I didn't hide it very well.

Carl: Hey Marshall, what are you having?
Marshall: What I’ll have, oh I don’t know maybe a beer and that nude painting of me hanging behind the bar!
Carl: Oh, I’m sorry. That painting is property of the bar.
Marshall: I know that Barney gave you that painting!
Carl: I don’t know what you’re talking about...
Marshall: Whatever he is paying you I'll pay you double!
Carl: I doubt it.
Marshall: Whatever he is paying you I’ll pay you that plus ten bucks!
Carl: I doubt it.
Marshall: Alright, you know what, Carl? You just lost yourself a regular customer!
Carl: I doubt it.

Monday Night Football [2.14][edit]

Ted: So let me get this straight. A funeral is the one time you don't suit up?
Barney: Have I taught you nothing, Ted?
Ted: Virtually.
Barney: Suits are full of joy. They're the sartorial equivalent of a baby's smile.
Lily: Sartorial?
Barney: Of, or pertaining to, tailors or their trade. Suits are for the living. That's why, when it's my time to R.I.P. I'm going out of this world the same way I came into it. BUCK NAKED. Yeah. It's gonna be awesome. Open bar for the guys, open casket for the ladies. [In a high-pitched voice] What up? [Raises his hand in anticipation for a high-five]
[Everybody walks past Barney except Marshall, who giggles and gives him a high-five]

Ted: [tries to convince the group of watching the recorded Super Bowl together a day after because of the wake for Mark] Who's in?
Lily: I'm in!
Robin: I'm in.
Marshall: I'm in!
Barney: What the hell. I'm in! HIGH-FIVE! [raises his hand]
Ted: Dude... we are at a wake!
Barney: [looks around] Sorry.... [puts his hand over the table and speaks in a low and grave voice] solemn low-five.

Lucky Penny [2.15][edit]

Marshall: [giving himself a pep talk in the mirror before his run] This is going to be your best run yet. You are going to accomplish all of your goals. [monotone] You are a robot sent from the future to win the Marathon. You are Marshall…You are Marshall….You are Marshall!…Yeaaaahhh!!!.

Barney: [talking with Lily about waiting in line for the wedding-dress sale] I can’t go, I’ve got this thing…
Lily: What thing?
Barney: ...a penis.

Stuff [2.16][edit]

[Robin sees Ted's ex-girlfriends in the things he owns on the living room]
Jeannie Radford, Phone Booth Girl: I'm Ted's college girlfriend. He made me 12 mix tapes. How many has he made you?
Allison Moses, Lamp Girl: He calls you a sweetie pie? He called me a sweetie pie.
Lauren Stein, Throw Pillow Girl: I'm stupid, but my rack is bigger than yours!

Barney: [to Lily during his play] Moist. Moist. Moist...
Future Ted: This was the first 40 minutes of Barney's show.

Arrivederci, Fiero [2.17][edit]

[Ted and Marshall are stuck in the snow after Marshall admits he wants to marry Lily someday.]
Ted: [to Marshall, who's cuddling with him to remain warm] Marshall, are you still thinking about Lily?
Marshall: Yeah.
Ted: Please stop!

[Lily is panicking because the Fiero's brakes are too strong, the inertia splattered their takeout food all over the interior.]
Robin: Shut up! Now listen to me. The clock is ticking. Okay, first thing: we scoop up all these little pieces of tofu and cabbage. Next, what we need to take care of are the messy parts; the pools that have collected. We gotta soak that soup up. Last...is the smell. We gotta cover up that Tam Kuk Gai. You mentioned cigars?
Lily: There's two in the glove compartment, but he's been saving...
Robin: Hand me those chopsticks.
[5 minutes later, Robin and Lily are smoking cigars]
Robin: Mmm, hey, how 'bout some tunes? [500 Miles by The Proclaimers starts playing] Ohh, great song!
[Lily shudders]
Lily: These cigars aren't helping at all.
Robin: [grinning] Yeah, this was a terrible idea.
Lily: Uggh, now it just smells like a...homeless guy threw up in here.
[Robin stares at her in amazement; Lily looks back at her. They have their alibi.]
[flash to present]
Marshall: The broken windows?
Lily: We had to make it look realistic!
Marshall: Well why did you break two of them?
Robin: Uhhh...it looked like fun when she did it so I wanted to try.
Marshall: I can't believe this whole time it was you guys; I've been blaming Really Tan Dancing Leotard guy.

Moving Day [2.18][edit]

[Barney's talking on phone to Ted in a deep voice]
Ted: Barney...
Barney: This isn't Barney. ...but I hear that guy's awesome. All right. Listen very carefully. You will get your stuff back if you are able to complete a series of challenges. Number one, put on the suit. Number two, meet me at MacLaren's in an hour.
Ted: How will I know who to look for since we've never met?
[Awkward pause]
Barney: ...I look like Barney.

Barney: Ladies and gentlemen, I have in my hand a copy of tonight's Top Ten list. The category: top ten things I would've called my truck...
Ted: It was never your truck.
Barney: If Ted hadn't been a jerk and given it back.
Ted: It was a rental.
Barney: Number ten, "The Winne-Bango." Number nine, "The Pick-Up Truck." Number eight, "The Ford Explore Her." Number seven, "The You Scream Truck." You Scream. [they all laugh] Number six, "Feels on Wheels!" Hello! Number five, "The Ride Her Truck." Number four, "The 18-Squealer." Number three, "The Esca-Laid." Number two, "The Slam-Boni." and... the number one thing I would've called my truck if Ted hadn't been a jerk and given it back... "The '69 Chevy."

Bachelor Party [2.19][edit]

Barney: Alright, fine, the stripper at Stewart’s Bachelor Party was a 15.
Ted: [Appalled] She was 15?
Barney: A 15. Like in blackjack.
Ted: As in, not sure whether you’d hit it?
Barney: Exactly!
Ted: Nice.

[Flashback of Barney talking to Lily in San Francisco]
Barney: Yeah, yeah, yeah... Barney what are you doing here...I can't believe it's really you...Come in, have a seat...You want some tea...I know the apartment's small but I don't need much space... let me show you some of my paintings...I think it's some of my best work ever. JUST STOP IT! Lily, you have to come home. You and Marshall belong together. The two of you have something most people search their whole lives for and never find. I know you love him and if you knew what he was going through right now you wouldn't be here for one more second. I bought you a ticket home. Marshall is one of the best people I know and it won't be long until someone else realizes that and you will lose him forever. I can't stand the thought of that happening and I cannot keep stealing chicks from him forever. Never ever tell anyone I was here, I will deny it tooth and nail; this trip never happened. [Barney slams the door behind him, but opens it again] Hey, if you had three hours to kill before your flight, what would you do... Alcatraz or Fisherman's Wharf?

Showdown [2.20][edit]

Robin: [Lily walks out, wearing her wedding dress] Wow, Lily, you look so beautiful!
Lily: I know, I'm beautiful! I'm a fairy princess! [She lifts her arms up and the dress falls down] I'm too skinny for my dress!!

[Barney wants to know the identity of his father]
Young Barney: Mom, who's my dad? A lot of kids at school know who their dad is. Who's mine?
Barney's Mom: Oh, I don't know. That guy. [points to TV set showing a broadcast of The Price Is Right]

Something Borrowed [2.21][edit]

Ted: Dude, you shaved your fricking head!
Marshall: Yeah! Yeah, but it's good. I'll just shave it all off. What a great solution! Just be bald, 'cos it's cool, right? Bruce Willis, Michael Jordan, Britney Spea- [Looks in mirror] Oh, God, what did I do!? How could you let me shave my head!?
Ted: What!?
Marshall: You're the worst best man ever! I hate you! I'm not going out there. I'm leaving and I'm never coming back. I'm gonna find that money under the rock by that tree and go live with the guys on the beach in Zihuatanejo.
Ted: But those guys are criminals
Marshall: Only Red, Andy was falsely accused.

Lily: So instead of an acoustic guitar, we're having a harp player. My mother owes someone money, and his daughter plays the harp.
Barney: Is she hot? Because then I can cross "harp player" off my list.
Ted: How long is this list?
Barney: I'm not telling you how many pages my list has. I'm not crass.
Lily: It doesn't matter anyway, because she's pregnant.
Barney: Good. That way I can cross two things off my list.

Something Blue [2.22][edit]

Lily: We should come up with a whole new last name.
Marshall: Oh, that's easy; Lily and Marshall Skywalker.
Lily: Lily and Marshall Hasselhoff.
Marshall: Oh, got it. Lily and Marshall Awesome. Hey have you met the Awesomes? Lily, Marshall, their son Totally, and their daughter Freaking?

Ted: Seriously, where do you see yourself in five years?
Robin: Where do you see yourself?
Ted: Honestly, in five years, I'd probably want to be married.
Robin: And I'd probably want to be in Argentina.
Ted: Argentina?
Robin: Or Tokyo, or Paris. Look Ted, I don't know where I'm gonna be in five years. I don't wanna know. I want my life to be an adventure.
Ted: [pause, sadly] We have an expiration date, don't we?