IZombie (TV series)

From Wikiquote
Jump to navigation Jump to search

iZombie (stylized as iZOMBIE) is an American television series developed by Rob Thomas and Diane Ruggiero-Wright for The CW, and is a loose adaptation of the comic book series of the same name created by Chris Roberson and Michael Allred, and published by DC Comics under their Vertigo imprint.

Season 1[edit]

Pilot [1.01][edit]

Liv Moore: [voice-over] Major wanted to know if there was a chance for us. I thought shutting him down was noble. But what if there is hope? Even if it's dim and somewhere in the nebulous future, it's a hope I need in order to survive. But what about what Major's needs? Can I really ask him to wait for a day that may never come? When you die, life goes on without you. If you're among the living dead, you're around to watch. Giving up my dream of becoming a heart surgeon was depressing. Eating brains sucks beyond words. But seeing Major possibly moving on with someone else? That's my threshold. That's the soul crusher.

Liv Moore: [voice-over] When you die, life goes on without you. If you're among the living dead, you're around to watch. Giving up my dream of becoming a heart surgeon was depressing. Eating brains sucks beyond words. But seeing Major possibly moving on with someone else? That's my threshold. That's the soul crusher.

Liv Moore: I'm having a hard enough time pretending I'm alive, let alone throwing a performance as a psychic into my repertoire.
Ravi Chakrabarti: Liv, you ate the girl's temporal lobe. Going to the police with her potential murderer is the least you can do.

Liv Moore: [voice-over] It's probably wrong that every time I see a dead body I think, "What the hell am I doing with my life. I didn't map out and color code a 10-year plan for this. This is not me going confidently in the direction of my dreams. I used to have ambition. I used to be passionate, inspired... alive. Now, I'm mostly just hungry. And, and a zombie. So, there's that.

Liv Moore: I wanted to do something with my life. I wanted to help people. Not necessarily as a zombie psychic who eats murder victim brains, but still I so nailed it today. I've spent five months bemoaning all that was taken from me. It never occurred to me that I'd have something to give. A way to contribute. A reason for being not alive. To sleep, perchance to not dream. All I needed was some hope that there's a future that I fit into somehow. At last. Sweet blissful sleep. [wakes up in a panic]

Brother, Can You Spare a Brain? [1.02][edit]

Blaine DeBeers: Look, I get that you work here at the brain automat, but for the rest of us, meaning me, procuring brains is kind of a massive undertaking. So I was hoping, from time to time, you might be so inclined as to help a brother out.
Liv Moore: [long stare, then finally] Okay.
Blaine DeBeers: Jeez, that pause was like a year!

Ravi Chakrabarti: This art show... I should probably come as well. In case you need help with the art and the open bar. And possibly the models.

Liv Moore: (voice-over) My need to feed on brains is weird, but how many people can say that satisfying their munchies could potentially help solve a murder case? This is my contribution to society. I'm just a fake, psychic zombie trying to do her part.

Blaine DeBeers: [to Jackie] Oh, yeah, that. Sorry. I buried the lead. You're a zombie now. Like, for real. I know. Shock. Disbelief. Confusion. Welcome to Team Z. Oh, you're the trend-spotter, I should ask you. Zombies, I heard we're finito. Is that, is that true? Has over-saturation buried us? I don't know. I think we're gonna surprise some people. I mean, what did LL Cool J say? "Don't call it a comeback," right?

Liv Moore: [voice-over] The passionate mind is selfish. It's so focused on what it desires, reason becomes background noise. Javier's brain made me cross the line that divides what I long for and what I can never have. There were so many nights I could have been with Major that I stayed home studying. Days I could have spent sucking the marrow out of life I spent building a resume for a life I'd never have. There were parts of me that were dead even before I became a zombie. So, maybe, that means that it's possible for me to spring to life. Even now that I'm dead.

The Exterminator [1.03][edit]

Liv Moore: That's the thing about pain isn't it. Really feeling it it doesn't make it stop. It just shows you you're still alive.

Ravi Chakrabarti: Okay, this is interesting. I set up a Google alert for the terms "Seattle, zombie."
Liv Moore: Me, too. No. Uh, I signed up for Z-Date.

Liv Moore: I am too hungry right now to work out if you're joking or not. Your skull just turned into an animated ham.

Liv Moore: In my old life, I was a lot of things. A doctor, a fiancee, a fan of Pilates. Now, I'm only one thing. A stomach, hunger incarnate. When I'm hungry, I forget my lunch used to be a person. When the hunger's bad, I forget I used to be one, too.

Blaine DeBeers: Why'd you stand me up last night? You were bringing me some of your bountiful brain supply, remember? I guess you got busy and forgot. You know, since that's the sort of thing that slips people's minds. Buy milk, take out the garbage, feed the starving zombie. Who can keep track?

Liv and Let Clive [1.04][edit]

Ravi Chakrabarti: Is that gonna be weird for you, by the way? You being Liv's ex-fiance?
Major Lilywhite: Yeah. No?
Ravi Chakrabarti: Are you sure? It seems like you're a little off about it. Like that "no" kind of had a question mark at the end.
Major Lilywhite: I'm pretty sure I'm okay with it.
Ravi Chakrabarti: Okay. Good?

Liv Moore: What a pleasant surprise it might have been if Chinese brains or Spanish brains or Italian brains tasted like the cuisines for which their regions are famous. No such luck.

Liv Moore: What's that old zombie saying? Today is the first day of the rest of your half-dead life.

Liv Moore: [narrating] I know it's not a different sun that came up this morning. But somehow, it looks sunnier. Ravi is hitting it off with Major, who seems willing to give me another shot at this friends thing. The "pretending to be something I'm not" isn't over, but at least Sammy's brain is out of my system, finally. I'm so ready to start looking forward instead of constantly watching my back. What's that old zombie saying? Today is the first day of the rest of your half-dead life.

Ravi Chakrabarti: Her life is, um, like the whorey version of that movie, Memento.

Flight of the Living Dead [1.05][edit]

Lowell Tracey: Okay, uhm. So, here's the speech. The zombie thing is a bitch. Your world shrivels down to a dot. You know this. And, all you can think about is how to get your next meal, and keeping your secret. And no-one can really know you now. Kissing, touching, sex, love, yelling at someone for stealing the blankets. Uhm, out of the question, forever. But then one day I see this (pause) beautiful woman. She's the only thing in colour. Odd, 'cos she's so pail. And then suddenly there's hope again. That's what I'm saying. Who knows if we even like each other. But, I like everything I've seen so far and, ah, what have I got to lose.
Liv Moore: I am free this weekend, and I have your number.
Lowell Tracey: I'll only hover by the phone for the next 72 hours or so. After that, I'm on to the next zombie girl.

Liv Moore: If you live each day like it's your last, someday you'll be right.

Ravi Chakrabarti: What if our hot zombie boy's name's on our fax and he's our murderer?
Liv Moore: I don't think it will be. I have a good feeling about him.
Ravi Chakrabarti: Mmm. And where exactly is this feeling originating from?

Ravi Chakrabarti: Uh, I think you've got company.
Liv Moore: It's him.
Ravi Chakrabarti: Ooh.
Liv Moore: Shut up or I'll eat you.

Liv Moore: [voice-over] Lowell could turn out to be nothing. Or everything. He may even break my heart, but, any of that sounds good to me. I'm ready to feel again. Anything, good or bad, I want to be alive, now, more than ever.

Virtual Reality Bites [1.06][edit]

Ravi Chakrabarti: [sewing stitches] Easy. You're lucky you're not dead. Although, if you were, this would come much more naturally to me.
Major Lilywhite: You know what you're doing, right?
Ravi Chakrabarti: I mean, theoretically. Sure. But did you consider a trip to the ER?
Major Lilywhite: I'm a social worker. My insurance covers, like, one Band-Aid a year.
Liv Moore: [entering] Major? What the hell?
Ravi Chakrabarti: It's nothing.
Liv Moore: Those are y-incision stitches. They need to be closer together, unless you're going for that Frankenstein look.
Ravi Chakrabarti: The man's too good-looking. I'm giving him character.

Lowell Tracey: So... did you run out of napkins or were you just fondled by an Oompa Loompa?

Liv Moore: Hey Lowell, so sorry to do this on a message, but I have to cancel. I'm literally seconds away from puking, it hit me out of nowhere, and I'm calling you from the bathroom floor right now. Hope you understand- oh my god, I'm such an idiot, I totally forgot you're a zombie. I can just tell you. I had a bad batch of agoraphobe brain, and I can't get out of my apartment. Okay, bye.

Liv Moore: Must have donuts. Great, I hate Homer Simpson's brain.

Liv Moore: That is... so incredibly unfair and awful.
Lowell Tracey: Umm, it's...you know, it's funny, I, I...I didn't think that I was the type of guy who wanted people to feel bad for me, but...you just said the exact thing I've been dying for someone to say to me.

Maternity Liv [1.07][edit]

Eva Moore: Pediatric medicine. Now that's a wonderful application for your talents.
Liv Moore: Questioning my life choices… a familiar application of yours.
Eva Moore: I'm your mother, it's part of the deal.

Ravi Chakrabarti: Can we just talk about you being a zombie? Brain-eating, being undead, these are things you can discuss at length with me. But I can't give you the Girlfriend Experience.
Liv Moore: I don't think that means what you think it means.

Lowell Tracey: All right Liv, I didn't wanna have to tell you like this, but I'm gay. But not to worry, it's only until I eat my next brain.
Liv Moore: Oh, thank God.
Lowell Tracey: Yeah, I knew something was up but I didn't really get it until I saw a magazine with Idris Elba on the cover, and the phrase "big piece of yum" popped into my head. I'm mildly afraid of heights, but I would not hesitate to climb that mountain.

Liv Moore: Things were so great between us last week. Like, buy new underwear great.

Liv Moore: When I was your age, we valued hard work.
Evan Moore: Yeah, back in the hardscrabble world of '04. All those CD_ROMs that needed burning.

Dead Air [1.08][edit]

Ravi Chakrabarti: Do you think this is how Oppenheimer felt staring down at the A-bomb?
Liv Moore: Like a drama queen? Or are you talking about his need for self-aggrandizement?

Liv Moore: Major doesn't get dumped. There are literally two reasons to end a relationship with Major, zombie-ism and full-on death.

Liv Moore: Straight talk? I don't think you and Peyton work. True, you like a challenge and Peyton is certainly that, but she dates guys you'd find in a "most eligible bachelors on the planet" catalog, if such a thing existed.
Ravi Chakrabarti: And you don't think I'd be featured in the pages of Hunks Quarterly?
Liv Moore: Ravi, she's a lawyer who looks like Victoria's Secret model.
Ravi Chakrabarti: Liv, I'm a tall doctor with fantastic hair and a British accent. But to hear you tell it, she's out of my league. I mean, I don't even need to be this attractive. It's just icing. Besides, Peyton and I, we had a moment.
Liv Moore: I'm sure that's how it seemed, but I've known Peyton since college, and literally, every man who's ever met her thought that they had a moment. I've been a witness to all those poor guys who liked a challenge. I've watched them approach her table, full of hope. I've seen her turn them into dust. She's been asked out so much, she doesn't bother with niceties. Just trying to help.
Ravi Chakrabarti: Thank you. You know, I, uh, I rescind all inquiries into the subject. You know, I'm a grown man who knows a moment when he experiences one. Oh, and my "distant parents"? They're fairly certain I put the moon in the sky. This brain you're on? She's a bit of an arse. Thanks for the straight talk.

Liv Moore: [voice-over] Every time Major calls me his friend, I ache. I miss the "girl" modifier. But the truth is, we were practically besties from the moment we met. That's why we were so great together. Underneath all the love and the desire to tear each other's clothes off, was the person I wanted to share every detail of my life with. Without that, it's not really a relationship, is it? Is it just sex? Is that who you are? A zombie booty call?

Liv Moore: Maybe I'm too reticent on the advice front. What would I say? Ravi, never listen to me again. You are too selfless, too wrapped up in saving me. Chill out. Slow and steady wins the race. I can't have you burning out. Because without you, I'm nothing. And, Major, don't lose sight of who you are. You are sweetness and light. That's who I fell in love with, the next girl will fall in love with. Don't pile tragedy on tragedy. And what advice would you give yourself, Liv? Would you even take it? How about trying to live in the moment for once? Being grateful for the simple pleasures. You don't need to know why you feel good. Just enjoy the ride.

Patriot Brains [1.09][edit]

Luta: Dibs!
Blaine DeBeers: No, Julien will handle delivery.
Luta: Ah, come on.
Blaine DeBeers: You do not purge your bowels in the powder room of a man with a helicopter pad in his backyard.
Luta: You squealed? That's rude, man!

Clive Babineaux: Do you have time to look at a couple of Youtube tutorials?
Ravi Chakrabarti: Of failed twerking tutorials? Yes.
Liv Moore: But no one lip-syncing to Frozen.

Julien 'Candyman' Dupont: Now, answer me straight, or I'm gonna take you on a guided tour through a world of pain.
Major Lilywhite: I don't know anything!
Julien 'Candyman' Dupont: Ahh. Then I guess it's all aboard the pain train. First stop, Hand Francisco.

Liv Moore: There are monsters in this world. People who do unspeakable things. When I graduated med school, I took an oath to consecrate my life to the service of humanity, to respect and value the lives of all persons. But now that I'm half-dead, I can see that some life is like a virus. One that can't be allowed to spread.

Liv Moore: I said some life is like a virus. But if you kill a virus, you're a doctor. If you kill a person...If I kill this person, I know who I'll be. I'll be a killer. I'll be him.

Mr. Berserk [1.10][edit]

[first lines]
Liv Moore: [in shock] He was like that when I got there.
Detective Flynn: You said you arrived just before 10:30. Neighbors heard a shot in Mr. Tracey's apartment 10 minutes before. Where were you then?
Liv Moore: Driving.
Detective Flynn: Great. What streets? We can check the traffic cameras.

Ravi Chakrabarti: I, uh, I taught him a trick. See, when I raise my hand like so and says, "Prance, zombie," he sort of rears up on his little hind legs and prances about.
Liv Moore: Really?
Ravi Chakrabarti: Yeah. I also taught him to declaim Hamlet soliloquies. He holds a tiny skull. It's quite something. We're doing Fallon tomorrow.
Liv Moore: Shut up.

Vaughn Du Clark: Live to the max, Miss Moore. Just do it somewhere else.

Clive Babineaux: Liv, you're off the case...
Liv Moore: I'm never off the case! The case is in here. [pointing at her head] I'm the freakin' murder victim whisperer.

Liv Moore: I haven't been an alcoholic that long, but I can tell you that the only time I woke up before 10 am was when Peyton needed to use the toilet I was passed on.
Ravi Chakrabarti: Thank you for the mental image.

Astroburger [1.11][edit]

Major Lilywhite: You want to feel better about your mental health? Spend a couple days with some clinically insane people.
Peyton Charles: I do it every Thanksgiving.

Major Lilywhite: I got a giant Indian to throw a sink through the window and jumped to freedom. Nah, I'm just kidding. I checked myself out.

Liv Moore: Careful! Don't open yourself up to the classic reverse Sicilian gambit. That's a chess thing, right?
Major Lilywhite: Sounds more like something a call girl would make you pay extra for.

Blaine DeBeers: In the future, remember that I like my information the same way you like your brains.
Lieutenant Suzuki: Unconditional?
Blaine DeBeers: Fresh.

Major Lilywhite: [to Liv] It's the world that's crazy, and I've got proof. Zombies are real, Liv. These coolers are full of brains. Now, it's a lot to absorb, I know, but I will explain everything. And don't worry, 'cause I'm gonna kill them. I'm gonna kill them all.

Dead Rat, Live Rat, Brown Rat, White Rat [1.12][edit]

[first lines]
Kimber Cooper: [their car just struck a pedestrian] Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Nate: Oh my God! What the hell? He came out of nowhere!
Teresa: Everything comes out of nowhere when your headlights are off, dumbass!
Nate: Hey, man, you okay?
Teresa: Does he look frickin' okay, Nate?
Kimber Cooper: I kinda learned CPR at Seeds of Faith camp. Somebody needs to do chest compressions to the beat of "All for the Best" from Godspell.
Teresa: Yeah. Let me just rub my DNA all over him. I think not!

Liv Moore: I heard about this missing girl. She went to my old high school. My brother Evan's a junior there.
Clive Babineaux: Did he know her?
Liv Moore: Only in the way that every boy knows the prettiest girl in high school.
Ravi Chakrabarti: So, from afar, yet intimately.

Liv Moore: Can we not talk about high school right now? It's hard not to feel like you've peaked, when you're doing shots of two-week-old liquefied prom queen brain in cold Mexican hot chocolate.

Blaine DeBeers: I don't need this right now, you guys. I'm under enough stress as it is. Especially with the Health Inspector showing up twice in as many months.
Julien 'Candyman' Dupont: The Health Inspector came back around?
Cissie: Yeah, you should've seen this guy. Came in here looking like a catalog model. Was trying to flirt with me. Thinks I'm going to melt because he's got blue eyes and broad shoulders.
Julien 'Candyman' Dupont: Did he have good hair?
Blaine DeBeers: What is this bizarre segue that's happening right now?

Sebastian Meyer: I'm normally not that much of a cook, but I seemed to have picked up a few things from my Aunt Edna. Guess what I had for lunch yesterday?
Liv Moore: I'm thinking Aunt Edna.
Sebastian Meyer: That woman practically raised me! She thought I had potential! So, yesterday, she slices her head open on the freezer door and asks me to bandage it. And I'm there, with the bandage. And there's blood. And I'm just so hungry. I couldn't stop myself.
Liv Moore: Funny. I've never eaten anyone I didn't want to eat.

Blaine's World [1.13][edit]

Blaine DeBeers: [to Major in the deep freeze] This has got to suck. So I've been doing a bit of online research trying to figure out how long you'll survive in here before body parts start falling off, and guess what I discovered? Most of the pertinent data comes courtesy of the Nazis. Yeah. Those Nazis. Great minds, huh? They wanted to know if there was something in Russian genetics that allowed those commie bastards to survive Stalingrad winters. Spoiler alert, there wasn't. Turns out we all freeze to death roughly the same way. But I digress. The point is, they kept meticulous notes. And thanks to those notes, I can keep you in here alive and suffering as long as I want. As long as it takes to get the information I need.
Major Lilywhite: [shivering] Why are you doing this?
Blaine DeBeers: Daddy issues. Megalomania. Greed. Wow, that felt really good to get off my chest.

Blaine DeBeers: What a waste. All this sound and fury. And for what? Nothing. I've got friends in high places. Tomorrow's headline, 'Crackpot shoots up butcher shop'. Kill my crew, I'll make more. Kill my customers, I'll make more. You cost me money. I'll make -
[Liv stabs Blaine with the zombie cure]
Liv Moore: Make more now, bitch.

Blaine DeBeers: Oh, man. He doesn't know? Dude, you are about to go out with one large dose of irony. Seattle's preeminent zombie hunter, not realizing the entire time that his own beloved - I mean, the hair, the eyes, the complexion. You thought those were, what? Just questionable style choices?

Major Lilywhite: It's not what fate dealt me, Liv. You did. The same person who let me check myself into a mental hospital, let me think I was crazy. But when you had a chance to play God and-and decide whether I died or became this, did you decide based on what you wanted or what you thought I wanted? If it's what you thought I wanted, then you don't know me as well as you think you do.

[last lines]
Surgeon: Your brother has-has lost a lot of blood, and he's going to need more in order to survive. Unfortunately, he's O-negative, and we don't have any.
Eva Moore: Liv is O-negative. Remember? That time you sliced open your head on that nail. Evan was a match for you. Oh, thank God you had your phone on.
Surgeon: We don't have much time. Can you come with me, Miss Moore?
Eva Moore: Liv? Did you hear him? There's more. Liv. Liv. Go with the doctor!
Liv Moore: No.

Season 2[edit]

Grumpy Old Liv [2.01][edit]

[Liv leaves the hospital after visiting her brother]
Liv Moore: [narrating] I couldn't have given Evan my blood even if I had been willing to turn him into a zombie. The second some nurse took my pulse, my temperature, they would've quarantined me. Maybe it's better I'm radioactive, that I repel the people I love. Keep things simple. Harden yourself, Liv. You're a monster. Act like one.

[Liv for the first time visits Blaine at his place of business at the funeral home]
Liv Moore: Oh, the humanity.
Blaine DeBeers: [Blaine chuckles] You see anything you like? [surrounded by coffins] It's so rare the dead get to choose. I got one with a breakaway lid that's a real-time saver for today's zombie looking to make that classic-hand-shooting-up-through-the-dirt big entrance.

[Blaine questions Liv about why she's still pretending to be a cop]
Blaine DeBeers: I'm curious. Why? Why are you still suiting up for Team Z? The uniform sucks. Morale is, let's be honest, consistently low. Don't tell me you've actually developed a taste for brains. [Liv remains silent] Hold the phone! You dig it. You get off on being a hero, don't you? [Blaine begins imitating actor, Jimmy Stewart] Oh, would you... Would you look at that. That's a... That's a crime-solving zombie. Roger, get in here! Why, she's a credit to her species. Why can't they all be like her?
Liv Moore: [Blaine laughs] It's not a choice.

Vaughn Du Clark: Zombies don't deserve our mercy, so just put that thought out of your head. [Du Clark chuckles before exhaling] How to explain? I love submarine movies. Big fan. And there's always this moment... It's the moment where the sub is torpedoed, and the compartment is flooding, and the captain's gotta give the order to, 'seal it up,' even though he still knows that there are men still alive in there. Cut to the sailor who receives that order. Tears in his eyes, closing that hatch on his comrades. The man that closes that hatch is a hero, isn't he? [the scene cuts to showing a man be attacked in his own home] But we are both doing what needs to be done. We are saving lives. There are zombies living among us. And they are feasting on human brains. Where do they get these brains? Who knows? But don't you think it's a good idea to put an end to it? Sure, they look like us, they sound like us, but if you think about them as brain-eating atomic bombs, you'll sleep like a baby.
Major Lilywhite: You've got the wrong man for the job.

Blaine DeBeers: Why would I want to help? I'm human. I got a thriving business. I just learned I've been pre-approved for a Best Buy card. I've gone legit. Put my criminal ways behind me.
Liv Moore: We're not sure if your cure is permanent. The first batch killed the test rat inside of two days.
Blaine DeBeers: And which batch did you shoot me up with?
Liv Moore: [Liv smiles] The second.

Zombie Bro [2.02][edit]

Clive Babineaux: I'm really gonna need a hand with this, so let me know when things get extrasensory.
Ravi Chakrabarti: [Clive walks off as Ravi whispers to Liv] Well, I hope you like Jäger bombs and homoerotic subtext.
[the scene cuts to the scenes of Liv microwaving, eating, and washing the dishes after eating Chad's brains]
Clive Babineaux: [Clive calls Liv] Can you meet me upstairs?
Liv Moore: Yes.
Ravi Chakrabarti: [Liv turns, burps, and walks forward] And so it begins...

Ravi Chakrabarti: I know you can't fully control your actions when you're on a brain, but I really need you to try and rein in the bro. We would be in serious trouble if someone came in and saw how you arranged the medical skeletons. And this, this is unacceptable. What if someone came in to identify their loved one and the medical examiner had "fart" written on his forehead? It isn't funny.
Liv Moore: It's pretty funny.
Ravi Chakrabarti: It really isn't.
Liv Moore: It kinda is.
Ravi Chakrabarti: I can assure you it isn't funny.

[Major bumps into Liv, who calls him bro when trying to talk to him]
Liv Moore: I’m on frat boy brains at the moment, and everything’s getting filtered through the bro-zone layer.
Major Lilywhite: [Major chuckles] I'm on frat boy brains. 'No big whoop.' Just like you're doing a cleanse. Eating dead people brains.
Liv Moore: It's just a fact of my life right now. Look past it, please. I wanna catch up.
Major Lilywhite: Sorry, bro. No can do.

[Liv strolls over the Alpha Beta house on a search to find Chad's killer]
Liv Moore: [narrating] Right now, I've got one word in my bro-cabulary, and that word is 'Justice'. I am going on a vision quest of all vision quests. I will not rest until I find the bastard who... [Liv screams out when seeing a table] Beer Pong! Time to get your balls wet, bro!

[Liv watches Sonny get arrested for the murder of Chad Wolcoff]
Liv Moore: [narrating] Our lives are a collection of choices. Sonny chose to avenge his father. I chose to not tell my fiance I'm a zombie. We make our own beds. Seems beneath our dignity to whine when we're forced to sleep in them. But Major held me... Held me and told me he would let nothing happen to me. Maybe, just this once, there's a do-over.

Real Dead Housewife of Seattle [2.03][edit]

Liv Moore: Hey, later-later, like Friday, I was thinking we could all grab a drink after work, maybe get a bite to eat? I mean, if you guys are free. It's just been a while since we got together.
Ravi Chakrabarti: Friday's tricky, yeah. I've been seeing Stephanie. You know, the girl I met at the club. Been seeing a lot of her, actually. She's trying to get Friday night off work so she can fix me a home-cooked meal. Turns out, right, she's got this whole Martha Stewart side to her. Which, combined with her raw honesty and lack of intellectual pretense is giving me a sense of emotional intimacy I've not felt in a long time, you know?
Clive Babineaux: Can't. Busy. (leaves)
Ravi Chakrabarti: God, I thought he'd never shut up.

Gilda: Let me tell you a story. When we first came up with the 'Suspected Zombies' list, Vaughn's idea was to send them all letters, zombies and non-zombies alike, informing them they'd won an all-expense-paid Hawaiian cruise. And then scuttle the ship in the middle of the Pacific. Your work, distasteful as you find it, saves lives.

Liv Moore: I am literally going through hell. Do you even care?
Ravi Chakrabarti: Okay, you've literally forgotten the meaning of the word "Literally."
Liv Moore: It's not my fault! All my friends are cold-hearted bitches, and that includes the men. Why is everyone abandoning me? Why? [Liv throws her bag down and sits on the couch] I'm sorry. I just really need a pinot and some salty chocolate right now.

[Liv walks into the police precinct with a full dress on and pair of boots]
Liv Moore: Good, you're here. I just had to see what you think of these bad girls. If they don't make you want to cross-dress, I don't know what will.
Clive Babineaux: You ever hear of casual Friday?
Liv Moore: You ever hear of casual elegance? What's wrong, were your bib overalls in your wash tub?

[Liv comes to the lab wearing a bright blue dress, wearing make-up, with straight hair]
Ravi Chakrabarti: I'm confused. Is this a Seattle morgue or a Milan catwalk?
Liv Moore: You like? It's my roommate's. I literally had nothing to wear until she gave me a free pass to raid her closet. I thought this was a good look for work, because I wear this dress like someone's paying me to.
Ravi Chakrabarti: Oh, as I do with this.
[Ravi gives a twist in his lab coat]

Even Cowgirls Get the Black and Blues [2.04][edit]

[Liv shows up to The Slow Roll country bar, explaining to Ravi how nervous she is]
Ravi Chakrabarti: What? What's with the face?
Liv Moore: [nervously] I'm sweating like a ten dollar whore on nickel-night. What if my voice cracks? What if, in the middle of my song, some redneck shouts out, 'Show us your hooters!' and I go into full-on zombie mode?
Ravi Chakrabarti: Oh, 'if, if, if.' If a bullfrog had wings it wouldn't bump its bum when it jumps.

Liv Moore: From the moment that I met you I knew that we were meant to be together. I was sure of it. It was like fate. But that was before I witnessed a mass murder. Before I'd eaten fresh brain, before I'd lied to you, or let you put yourself in a mental hospital. It was before I watched you die. And it was before all of this cruelty was directed back at me. Now, I don't think space can fix what's wrong with us. We're a dream that's dead. I doubt that I will ever stop loving you, but it's over now. I gotta let you go. Completely. Forever.
Major Lilywhite: [Without any emotion, Major replies] Perfect. Uh, thanks for stopping by.
[Major then closes the front door on Liv]

Peyton Charles: You stalked me, and you brought me a present?
Liv Moore: That birthday cake you left last night. It meant the world to me.
Peyton Charles: Look, um... When I left, I can't lie, I resented you. I can't tell if it was more, 'I can't believe my best friend is a zombie,' or, 'I can't believe my best friend didn't tell me she's a zombie.'
Liv Moore: I get that.
Peyton Charles: While I was away I had a chance to put myself in your shoes, and... Ugh, I realized how hard this last year must have been for you. You gave up being a surgeon, you gave up the love of your life. And then I bailed.
Liv Moore: Well, to be fair, you had just seen me stab someone in the head.

Liv Moore: Hey! Stop! I'm coming here like and adult, trying to talk to you. How can you be this cold to me?
Major Lilywhite: Who exactly am I being cold to? Huh? Uh, who-whose brain did you eat this week?
Liv Moore: Oh, this is all me! And in case you've forgotten, I didn't ask for this. I went to a party because you told me I should. I woke up on a shore craving brains. And next thing I know, I've cracked this corpse's head open... How could I bring that home to you? How could I be your wife? I had become a monster. And I was confused, and I was dangerous. Every decision that I made last year, I made trying to protect you from my new reality. I-I know that in your eyes I screwed up badly along the line, but I did the best I could.
Major Lilywhite: You know, I just... I keep asking you for some space, and every time I turn around, here you are.
Liv Moore: [walks away but then pauses at the door] Why are you doing this?
Major Lilywhite: Doing what?
Liv Moore: Making me doubt the only thing in my life that I was sure was real.

Liv Moore: [narrating] Yeah, no kidding it'll make you crazy. You spend your life in a comfortable dream state believing in destiny. Then reality snaps you awake like a kick in the teeth. Bad things happen as often as good things. People who think they're meant to be together, aren't. Turns out we're nothing more than chemicals hurtling through space, haphazardly bouncing off each other [there's a knock on Liv's front door] [narrating] Feeling stupid we ever believed there was some grand plan.
[Liv opens the door, seeing an emotional Major on the other side]
Major Lilywhite: I need help.
[the two give each other a tight hug, the two begin to kiss, repeatedly, passionately]

Love & Basketball [2.05][edit]

Liv Moore: Do you have any open sores in your mouth?
Major Lilywhite: Sexy.

[first lines]
Liv Moore: [Liv and Major make out inside her doorway] What are we doing?
Major Lilywhite: Well, it's hard to put a label on it just yet. But I'll get back to you in a minute.
Liv Moore: We should stop. We don't know enough about how the zombie is transferred. All this kissing.
Major Lilywhite: [Major and Liv keep kissing] I've been kissed by Blonde Liv before. Still human.

Liv Moore: How hard have you been brushing your teeth.
Major Lilywhite: [Major wanting to keep kissing Liv] So hard.

[Liv wakes up Major by checking his blood pressure]
Liv Moore: How are you feeling?
Major Lilywhite: [Major hears the blood pressure pump] Great. Who doesn't enjoy waking up to a beautiful woman cutting off his circulation?

Liv Moore: That's it. Kissing moratorium until we're sure I just didn't turn you into a zombie.
Major Lilywhite: So we're going the Pretty Woman no-kissing-on-the-mouth route.
Liv Moore: Oh, my god. Horny boys are the worst. When all your blood returns to the normal locations in your body, you're gonna care whether that make-out session has left you living or living dead.

Liv Moore: Unless there's a cure, we have no future as a couple.
Major Lilywhite: You sure about that?
Liv Moore: Well, think about it. You've always wanted kids. That could never happen. No sex. Clearly, not ready to write that off.
Major Lilywhite: I seem to recall a couple items on the menu that don't involve exchanging fluids.
Liv Moore: I could be holding your arm, walking down an icy sidewalk. I slip, I reach out for you, I scratch you, instant zombie.
Major Lilywhite: [leans to Liv] So far, to me it sounds like all of our problems could be solved with condoms and rock salt.

[Clive, Ravi, and Liv arrive to the crime scene of the night security guard]
Clive Babineaux: Mike Hayden, night security guard.
Ravi Chakrabarti: Shot through the heart. And who's to blame? [doesn't get a response] No Bon Jovi fans here.

[Liv scrambles eggs, slices open a brain, fries it, to fold it in-between an egg omelet]
Liv Moore: [Liv talks with her mouth full] Mmm. Oh, my God.
Ravi Chakrabarti: Nothing more primal than a zombie craving brains.

Liv Moore: Night watchmen brain. Wonder what fresh hell this is going to be.
Ravi Chakrabarti: In cricket, a night watchmen is a low-order batsman moved up in an effort to maintain the strike till the end... [Liv turns on the bone saw] Funny girl.

[Gilda and Dr. Erving at Max Rager watch a zombie try to pick up a cane]
Gilda: It's like watching my mother try to refold a map. The cane is right there. It's right there!
Dr. Erving: This is what I'm telling you. This is as far as I can go with these mindless shamblers. Now, if we're gonna make any real headway with the Super Max recipe, we need the DNA of a coherent, intelligent, functional zombie. You live with a functional zombie. Can you get me some of her blood?
Gilda: Are you thinking she keeps a vial of it in her makeup drawer, or are you expecting me to shiv her?

Liv Moore: Clear eyes, full stomachs, can't lose.

Liv Moore: You're a Knicks fan?
Clive Babineaux: Yes. I've had this mug as long as you've known me. You're just now realizing I'm a fan.
Liv Moore: I'm just impressed you broadcast it. Nice job using your lottery pick this year on Kristaps Porzingis. [Liv coughs] Darko Milicic.
Clive Babineaux: We're really talking about basketball now? I caught you trying to put paperclips in here a couple week ago. You thought it was for knick-knacks.

Gilda: Good news is you're not dead. Bad news is you have to come up with some other excuse for not responding to my text.
Major Lilywhite: Yeah, well, I didn't get it until this morning. But it did make my heart flutter. 'U, up?' You stole my heart in those three characters.
Gilda: Whatever. You have to earn me spelling words out in their entirety.

Grieving Son: Who chokes someone at basketball practice?
Liv Moore: Well, Latrell Sprewell does. A Knick, wasn't he?
Clive Babineaux: Not at the time.

Liv Moore: We can watch Hoosiers.
Major Lilywhite: After all these years? You've always refused before.
Liv Moore: [Liv smiles] Well, back then, I was worried that seeing you cry over fictional sports would adversely affect my sexual desire for you. But that's not an issue anymore, friend.

[Liv takes Major to basketball practice when he sees a group of kids on the court]
Major Lilywhite: Liv, what are we doing here?
Liv Moore: You mean, with this ragtag group of disadvantaged kids who tragically lost their coach a few days ago? Oh, did I forget to mention they'd be here?

Gilda: So, how many zombies removals can I put you down for this week?
Major Lilywhite: I don't know. How many people are you going to murder this week?
Gilda: Not people. Zombies. How about we shoot for two. Go big or go home, I say.

Major Lilywhite: We should eat some chicken wings and maybe talk about whether the movie Casino is any good.

Liv Moore: [Liv hints towards sex] So, those nights you didn't come home...
Gilda: I'm loud. Seriously, I sound like a cartoon character being murdered. I wouldn't want to put you through it. And what about you? It's like a convent up in here.

Ravi Chakrabarti: All right, friends. What we have here is a concentrated dose of Max Rager and what we hope is Boat Party Utopium. If it's indeed the right stuff, you'll soon be zombie rats. Your courage will neither be forgotten, nor in vain. Who goes first? Do I have a volunteer?

Liv Moore: Do you know what I keep asking myself?
Major Lilywhite: Why? Why didn't the Seahawks just give the ball to Marshawn?
Liv Moore: How stupid we must be?

Liv Moore: I'm going to remind you something, son. Something you already know. The world ain't all Dilly Bars and debutante balls. The world throws wicked punches. It wants to see who goes down easy. Some people stay down on the mat. Not you, though. You were an undersized walk-on free safety at U-Dub. Three years later you were a starter. It takes a tough, get-back-off-the-mat son-of-a-bitch to do that. But that ain't what impressed me. I fell in love with the guy who could've cashed in on his looks, his connections, his notoriety. But instead, he said, I've been blessed, and I want to give back. I'm going to be a social worker. 'I'm going to be the guy who gets others back up.' I know you've taken some haymakers lately. I know that this time it's harder to get back up than it's ever been. But you're Major mother-flippen Lilywhite, and you don't quit.
Major Lilywhite: [Major says with a smile] God, you're so weird.

Major Lilywhite: Never tell me the odds.

Liv Moore: [Liv blows the whistle] Huddle up! Here's what's going to happen, gentlemen. You're going to pick it up. I want to see ball movement, proper screens, hard cuts to the hole. And if I don't, I'm going to run you like dogs. [the kids laugh, as we see them running on the court next] Let's go, ladies! Hustle! I tried to warn you, you want to dance, you got to pay the band.

Liv Moore: Whatever happened to Magic Mike, that super-hot guy you hired?
Gilda: Let's just say he's done some quality work underneath me.

Ravi Chakrabarti: So you have high-rises here in the Shire?

Liv Moore: As the ranking zombie on-site, shouldn't I get veto-power over their names? I'm kind of over your whole Star Wars theme. Why don't we name these guys after the '86 Celtics?
Ravi Chakrabarti: As in Celtic F.C., from Glasgow?
Liv Moore: As in Boston Celtics. Bird, Mchale, Parrish.
Ravi Chakrabarti: Then, no. I don't have the foggiest idea who those guys are. And neither will you in a few days. We'll just be standing here trying to remember why we're calling a rat Bird. [Ravi talks down to one of the rats, Ravi then smacks his lips] Isn't that right, Boba Ratt?

Clive Babineaux: But Telly brought a hammer to a bat fight.

Liv Moore: So, what? He turned off the cameras so his killer couldn't be identified? Think how easy it would be if there was video footage.
Ravi Chakrabarti: And the killer could have been wearing a t-shirt that inexplicably had his name and addresses written across his chest.
Liv Moore: And the address was, like, right across from the police station.
Ravi Chakrabarti: And the killer's just waiting calmly, already handcuffed, just sort of reciting his Miranda rights to himself.
Liv Moore: That would be so great. Now what are we going to do?
Clive Babineaux: [hesitates] I guess we earn our paychecks.

[Blaine pays a visit to Ravi to pick up the zombie cure]
Blaine DeBeers: [singing the Cure] I don't care if Monday's blue / Tuesday's gray and Wednesday too / Thursday I don't care about you / It's Friday I'm in love
Ravi Chakrabarti: To what do I owe the pleasure?
Blaine DeBeers: Come on. The Cure? I don't know why I bother.
Ravi Chakrabarti: The cure won't be ready for a while, yet.

Harry Cole: We have a guy who works at our firm, a fixer. He cleans up messes like this. He told me to wipe down the bat and everything else with bleach.
Liv Moore: But you forgot the blinds.
Harry Cole: I was working fast.
Liv Moore: 'Be quick, but don't hurry' John Wooden said that.

[Blaine and Ravi stand over Gabriel's dead body who died from the anti-cure]
Blaine DeBeers: I'm calling it. Time of death, 9:47 p.m. Drug overdose. This job isn't so hard.

Blaine DeBeers: Bright side? You did discover the anti-zombie cure.

Clive Babineaux: Let me tell you what it looks like, Harry. You have a gambling problem. Racked up debts you couldn't pay. Telly was sent to break some bones, or worse, but Telly brought a hammer to a bat fight.
Liv Moore: [Liv whispers in Clive's ear] Nice touch, Clive. You got this.

Blaine DeBeers: Well, that's my cardio for the day.

Major Lilywhite: Liv, I don't want to do this anymore.
Liv Moore: Do what?
Major Lilywhite: Pretend I'm okay just being your friend. I want more. I want us to be together again.
Liv Moore: Major, nothing has changed. I still...
Major Lilywhite: I know all the risks, and the reasons it can't work. But I don't care. I'm a better man with you in my life. Can we give it another shot?

[last lines]
Suzuki's Wife: [Suzuki's wife pays a visit to Clive at the police station] Anyway, after you called, I started poking around. He had a beer fridge, and I found this in the freezer. I didn't know what to make of it. Maybe you will.
[Clive opens the plastic container and finds a piece of brain]

Max Wager[edit]

[first lines]
Major Lilywhite: [Major wakes up to an eggs and bacon breakfast in the kitchen] Whoa! Eggs! Mmm. Mmm-mm. [Major sits at the table and speaks to the bacon] What's shakin' bacon?
Peyton Charles: [as Ravi and Peyton watch] Body Snatchers?

Liv Moore: How poetic is it that a barber sends a thug to collect from a guy named Harry? How expensive are haircuts, anyway?

Dale Bozzio: In A Fish Called Wanda, they hid the key in the treasure chest.

Liv Moore: We've been pulling bullets out of Mr. Cole all day. We heard you were inches away.
Clive Babineaux: Yards away. Nothing heroic about not getting shot.
Ravi Chakrabarti: Well, did you soil yourself?
Clive Babineaux: No.
Ravi Chakrabarti: [Ravi smiles] Then it's heroic in my book.

Angus DeBeers: Son.
Blaine DeBeers: Dad. I'd hope your first visit here would be more... horizontal.

Angus DeBeers: I'm afraid I've got some bad news.
Blaine DeBeers: [Angus shoots Chief in the head] Ahh.
Angus DeBeers: You work for me now.
Blaine DeBeers: [Blaine talks to Chief's body on the ground] Chief, you had one job.

Angus DeBeers: You're gonna need a bigger box for your employee here.
Blaine DeBeers: We usually just chop off the feet. Nobody looks down there.

Liv Moore: Thread the needle, baby! That soft grass is nothing, it's nothing.

Angus DeBeers: That pounding in your ears is the sound of your leverage evaporating. I am the new CEO here. You love being human. The food. The sex. You always were a hedonist. You're built for it, so... You'll do what I say, when I say it, or... [inhaling sharply with a slice to Blaine's neck] Back to Zombieland for you.

Blaine DeBeers: Not even interested in how I was cured, huh?
Angus DeBeers: Why would I be? Immortality suits me.

Peyton Charles: (as Liv and Major kiss) Wait, wait, wait, is this happening?
Liv Moore: It's happening.
Peyton Charles: About damn time.
Ravi Chakrabarti: But it won't always be this nauseating, right?
Major Lilywhite: Suffer, bitch.

Liv Moore: I've got that lucky feeling tonight, Doc. Give me some good news on the safe sex research.
Ravi Chakrabarti: Oh, nothing certain yet, though I have proven that when you purchase boxes of every brand of condom available at once, the lady at the drugstore counter looks at you funny.

[Liv hums 'The Blue Danube' song while working on a dead body next to Ravi]
Ravi Chakrabarti: [as Liv hums] Did you and Major have sex?
Liv Moore: Whoa. Aren't Brits supposed to be repressed? What would Judi Dench say?
Ravi Chakrabarti: She'd say we don't know a lot about the sexual transmission of zombie-ism.

[Clive walks into the morgue and sees a balloon animal on the table]
Clive Babineaux: Is that a balloon animal?
Ravi Chakrabarti: [Ravi smiles] Ah, yeah, clown college. Uh, I'm available for parties.

Blaine DeBeers: Are you ever happy you're a zombie?
Liv Moore: You should know that's a stupid question.
Blaine DeBeers: Is it? Before I became a zombie, I was wasting my life. Human Blaine was a nobody. An underachiever. He was a, he was a joke. Zombie Blaine, though... Zombie Blaine was the man.
Liv Moore: He was a murderer.
Blaine DeBeers: But he was exceptional.

[Liv and Clive examine Roger Thrunk's turtle]
Liv Moore: I saw a movie once set in a jungle prison. Prisoners wrote messages on the bottom of turtles' shells.
Clive Babineaux: [Clive puts on a pair of gloves, picking up the turtle] Ah... The things they never tell you that you'll be doing at the detective academy.
Dale Bozzio: [as Dale Bozzio walks into the room] Babineaux! You and that turtle get a room.
Clive Babineaux: I'm looking for messages.
Dale Bozzio: [Bozzio nods] I won't ask.

[Ravi rushes into Liv and Clive's bedroom]
Ravi Chakrabarti: Are you decent?
Liv Moore: [under the blankets together] Decent enough.
Ravi Chakrabarti: Tell me you haven't had sex yet.
Major Lilywhite: Seems like a question you could've asked outside the door.

Ravi Chakrabarti: Zombie virus is a hundredth the size of a typical virus. I tested every brand of condom, every material. 102 samples. Zombie virus went through all of them. If you have sex, Major will become a zombie. That is not a risk, that's a certainty. Look, someday I'll cure it. I will. But until then, I'm sorry.

[Liv and Major see Clive and Agent Bozzio together]
Major Lilywhite: [speaking to Liv behind his smile] Oh, no. Abort. Just turn around.
Liv Moore: [speaking to Major behind her smile] I'm already waving, that would be incredibly weird. Nut up. [Liv finally talks to Clive] Hey, you. Didn't know you existed outside the station. I thought you were just put back in your Detective Clive box. Pull his string and he says, 'Miss Moore, please.'

[Liv sees how Clive acts differently when staring at former NBA basketball player Calvin Owens]
Clive Babineaux: We should probably go talk to Calvin.
Liv Moore: You look like me going to see NSYNC when I was 10.

Clive Babineaux: Liv, Major, this is Miss Bozzio from the FBI.
Dale Bozzio: Dale. It's nice to get a name. In my head you've been, umm, "Girl from the morgue who somehow makes Goth work."
Major Lilywhite: Oh, that is her native American name. Hi, I'm Barely Employed Arm Candy. No, I'm Major.
Dale Bozzio: (smiles) You certainly are.

[last lines]
Don Everhart: [Don E. talks to Blaine in the morgue of the funeral home as Blaine listens to orchestral music] What are we listening to? Can we turn this crap off?

Abra Cadaver[edit]

[Liv, Clive, and Ravi go over Syd Wicked's crime scene]
Liv Moore: What kind of name is Syd Wicked?
Clive Babineaux: Stage name. He's a magician. You don't dress like that unless you do magic or you hate your parents. Apparently there's some big magician convention happening at this hotel all week.
Ravi Chakrabarti: Of course! PrestoFest. How did I miss that? I'm on the mailing list.

[the magician Houdina performs her card throwing trick on stage with Liv as the volunteer]
Houdina: People think playing cards is just for fun and games. But a full deck is like a gun with 52 deadly bullets in the chamber.
[Houdina throws the playing card, cutting the celery stalk Liv holds in her mouth]

Clive Babineaux: You weren't performing when Syd was killed. You'd already disappeared off-stage for your closer.
Houdina: Guys, I didn't actually disappear. I hate to break this to you. Magic isn't real. You remember the cocktail waitress at the end of the show? The one you asked if she knew where I was? That was me. I had her costume on underneath mine.
Clive Babineaux: But I looked right at you.
Houdina: That's the thing about a magic trick. If it's done well, the answer's right in front of you.

Blaine DeBeers: [Liv holds the card] What's that chick's problem?
Liv Moore: That's the Empress. She symbolizes fertility and growth in the natural world. Ancients say...
Blaine DeBeers: Super boring. Sorry I asked.

[Liv and Blaine sit on their stakeout outside Agent Bozzio's house]
Liv Moore: [they see Bozzio and Clive kiss from the front window] Love is only a delay of death, a tragedy waiting in the wings.
Blaine DeBeers: [Blaine turns his head to Liv] You're bumming me out, man.

Clive Babineaux: So how many magicians come to this?
Ravi Chakrabarti: PrestoFest every year? Oh, upwards of 200. Then you have your semi-professionals, your weekend wizards, and the occasional hypnotist. 'PrestoFest, come for the illusions and stay for the sleight of ha... '
Clive Babineaux: Looks like we're going to be interviewing a whole lot of magicians. Sometimes I really hate this job.

[first lines]
Liv Moore: [Liv and Major lay in bed together after making out] Phew! That was pretty good.
Major Lilywhite: Yeah.
Liv Moore: It was almost as good as sex. Like the difference between a turkey burger and a hamburger.

Liv Moore: So you're okay with it? Because if we're gonna do this we have to be totally honest with each other this time around.
Major Lilywhite: Of course I want to sex you up, girl. You're very attractive, and I very much have a penis. But just being with you is enough. Honest.

Clive Babineaux: Smoak and Meers?
Smoak: Guilty.

Liv Moore: When I eat someone's brain, it sets up camp in me. It's like, I'm always Britney, but sometimes I'm Hit Me One More Time Britney, and sometimes I'm... shaved head, smashing car windows Britney.
Major Lilywhite: Real talk? I thought both of those Britney's were hot.

[Liv, Clive, and Ravi watch the video of Syd Wicked on his laptop]
Syd Wicked: Death. Most of us live in constant fear that at any moment, death will wrench us into an eternal darkness. But I have stared Death right in his face and he blinked first. Mark that. I'll use that for the intro for my closer.
Ravi Chakrabarti: What showmanship. The world has lost a storyteller.

Liv Moore: Odd, I was under the impression that you knew I couldn't stand the sight of you and yet, here you are.
Blaine DeBeers: I'm an acquired taste. Like gazpacho or that free U2 album.

Ravi Chakrabarti: Syd Wicked. I want to change my name to something cool like that. What do you think of Rick Bang?
Liv Moore: I think Rick Bang lives in a one-bedroom apartment in the San Fernando Valley and gets paid to do it on camera.
Ravi Chakrabarti: Ow. Well, Steph told me how to figure out my porn name. Sadly, it's Polly Cripplegate.

Liv Moore: You need my help? I try not to make a habit of fraternizing with murderers.
Blaine DeBeers: That's no way to go through life, is it?

[magician-brain Liv does a magic card trick for Ravi]
Liv Moore: Okay. Have you thought of a card? Do you see it?
Ravi Chakrabarti: [Liv does the magic trick, as Ravi gasps] The 10 of clubs is missing. Where did it go, you witch?
Liv Moore: Ah! The 10 of clovers. A clover needs a dark space to take root. A place as dark as a closed casket buried six feet under.
Ravi Chakrabarti: That's dark.
Liv Moore: Or, a man's back pocket.
Ravi Chakrabarti: [Ravi gasps when finding the card in his back pocket] This is the best brain ever! I almost want to start killing magicians so it never ends.

Clive Babineaux: Got something to show you, Liv.
Liv Moore: [Liv holds up a few playing cards, whispering] Pick a card.
Clive Babineaux: No.

Clive Babineaux: And where were you at the time of the murder?
Smoak: The Houdina show. I remember because she disappeared during her closer and she never came back for a bow. I waited around for 15 minutes. It was actually kind of punk rock.

[Blaine reads the FBI files that find his yellow coolers in multiple cases]
Blaine DeBeers: 'Found in the home refrigerators of three of the missing persons,' 'identical insulated yellow coolers.' Damn it. We should've gone with the freezer bags. I'm such a slave to aesthetics.

Liv Moore: Things good with you and Steph?
Ravi Chakrabarti: Yeah, they're fine, I guess.
Liv Moore: Can you have sex without worrying you'll turn her into a member of the undead?
Ravi Chakrabarti: Yeah.
Liv Moore: Then no bitching.
Ravi Chakrabarti: Well, I didn't think I was. It might be time for someone to eat.

Blaine DeBeers: Look, I know they brought the FBI in on this missing persons case. Read it in the paper. Been a Sunday subscriber since '07, NBD. Anyway, they got this lady Fed heading up the investigation, Dale Bozzio. Bitching name. One you'd remember. Ring any bells?
Liv Moore: Maybe.

[Ravi arrives home only to find his home and Steph in a British setting]
Steph: 'Hello, Governor! Mind the gap.' Is the accent too much?
Ravi Chakrabarti: [Ravi nervously laughs] This... This looked like it took a lot of work.

Liv Moore: How long have you two had a feud with Syd Wicked?
Smoak: [Smoak whistles] Wow. Gonna just jump right in there, Lady Cop. Where's the craft? The showmanship? Look, you know the score with Syd. Everyone in this business had a beef with the guy. But us? We just liked screwing with him.

[Liv, Clive, and Ravi go over the hotel security tapes that were watching over Syd Wicked's hotel room]
Liv Moore: So, Syd went into his room alive, no one else came in or out of it, and yet, he was murdered?
Ravi Chakrabarti: You know what this means, right? The murder is a magic trick. Sometimes I really love this job.

Clive Babineaux: We'd like to ask you some questions about Syd Wicked.
Houdina: He's not dead. I bet it's a stunt. Syd's very talented.
Liv Moore: Trust me, he's dead.
Houdina: [Houdina smiles] Whatever you say.

Ravi Chakrabarti: You know Steph, the woman I'm kind of seeing?
Peyton Charles: 'Kind of seeing.' Yeah. Women love when you use qualifiers like that.
Ravi Chakrabarti: I like her, it's... My question is, look, she just changed her Facebook status to 'In a relationship.'
Peyton Charles: And that freaked you out. Look, I change my status to 'In a relationship' all the time, just to get dudes to leave me alone.
Ravi Chakrabarti: Yeah. Okay. I can see that.

Houdina: We were young and doing crappy clubs. Syd's whole gimmick was the goth, death thing. But it was just an onstage persona.
Liv Moore: He didn't believe in that stuff?
Houdina: Ah! No. When I met him, he was still going by Steve and owned all the Police Academy movies. Over the years, he got more and more into it. When he told me he'd hired a Wiccan to perform the wedding ceremony, I got the hell out of there.

Ravi Chakrabarti: Well, she's just getting a bit intense, you know, okay... I mean, she told me we're celebrating Guy Fawkes Day tomorrow. I didn't have the heart to tell her it was a few weeks ago.
Peyton Charles: [Peyton chuckles] Guy Fawkes Day, huh? Yeah... she's definitely going to propose.

Peyton Charles: Let's get it all out in the open, Man-Things. What about Liv? She's not glomming onto you, is she? She's not cramping your style? She's not being too needy?
Major Lilywhite: No. It's all good. Real good. [Peyton and Ravi remain quiet] I mean, today she left me a voice-mail about how drowning would be a beautiful way to die, but otherwise, you know, same old Liv.
Ravi Chakrabarti: Ah, yeah, uh, she's rolling hard on a death-obsessed magician. It will pass. She just needs to eat someone else's brain.
Major Lilywhite: Is that all?
Ravi Chakrabarti: Mm-hmm.

Major Lilywhite: Question. Since the two of you have really experienced zombie Liv first-hand, how extreme do her personality swings get?
Ravi Chakrabarti: She can be a bit mercurial. But most of the time I enjoy the variety. Of course, I don't have to date her.
Peyton Charles: There was the time her eyes turned red and she killed someone. I'm thinking that was probably a one-off.
Major Lilywhite: A one-off. That's good.

Liv Moore: Twitter, a vast collection of humanity's impetuous thought vomitings.
Ravi Chakrabarti: I'd like to think I'm quite introspective about what I tweet to my 223 followers.

[magician-brain Liv stands in the morgue over Syd Wicked's dead body while surrounded by candles]
Liv Moore: Well, would you look at that? The death card. The 13th trump in the Tarot. A fitting reminder that no matter how clever a path we run, the Reaper always takes his bounty.
Blaine DeBeers: [Blaine walks into the morgue] Did you eat Edgar Allen Poe?

Clive Babineaux: Let's start with you, Harpo Marx.

Blaine DeBeers: Look at us, on a stakeout. You're like, the stoic by-the-book veteran and I'm the fun guy who...
Liv Moore: Who deals drugs and kills homeless teenagers.
Blaine DeBeers: I was gonna says, "Doesn't play by the rules," but sure.

Blaine DeBeers: You know those five missing gentlemen in the newspapers, the ones the FBI has seen fit to investigate?
Liv Moore: Yeah?
Blaine DeBeers: Well, three of them were big fans of brains. I know. They were my customers. It seems someone out there is killing Seattle's zombies.
Liv Moore: And you're here to warn me? To make sure that I watch my back?
Blaine DeBeers: Oh, God, no. I'm telling you this because I need your help to stop whoever's killing our living-challenged friends. Not to mention, it's bad for my bottom line. So, what do you say, partner? Should we take justice into our own hands? [Blaine holds up the Justice Tarot card]

Liv Moore: You killed the fourth man who walked on the moon?
Blaine DeBeers: Please, nobody cares about the fourth person to do something.

[Clive arrives to the crime scene of Syd Wicked's dead body]
Ravi Chakrabarti: Ugh! What is that horrible, horrible smell?
Clive Babineaux: I'm guessing it's the dead body.

Ravi Chakrabarti: So, I took a gander around the room, and found this in the wastebasket, with this lovely note attached. 'Welcome to PrestoFest.' 'Here's a gift from your fellow magicians.' So I thinks to myself, 'Hmm. Okay. Kind of boilerplate stuff.' Maybe they thought the summer sausage would make up for the stock sentiments. But wait, there's more.
Clive Babineaux: We're all hoping.
Liv Moore: [Ravi reveals the old piece of meat] Ugh!
Ravi Chakrabarti: [as Ravi concludes on reading the note] 'Enjoy the decay!'

Peyton Charles: Aren't you seeing Steph?
Ravi Chakrabarti: Well, I, uh, I ended it.
Peyton Charles: Maybe this was a bad idea, moving in.
Ravi Chakrabarti: No, no, no, no, no, no, stay. I'm an idiot. Maybe I've been drinking? No, it's just the idiocy.

Peyton Charles: You have quite the voice.
Blaine DeBeers: I was lead tenor in my grade school choir. Hmm. Second lead, and then Tommy Fitzpatrick had an unfortunate fall. So clumsy, that kid.

[Liv and Clive make an arrest by exposing a magic trick]
Clive Babineaux: Normally we bring witnesses down to the station to take statements.
Liv Moore: [Liv smiles] Where's the magic in that?

Ravi Chakrabarti: I used to be a real wand hand until I realized it didn't help me with the ladies.
Liv Moore: So you moved onto video games and forensic pathology? [Ravi hesitates] Hey, uh, Clive and I have to go question a magician after his show tonight You want to come?
Ravi Chakrabarti: [Ravi hangs his head in disappointment] I wish. I have a date.
[Liv squints her eyes at Ravi]

[Liv and Blaine break into Agent Bozzio's house while she's at the gym]
Liv Moore: Dale left with her gym bag. I'd say we have about an hour.
Blaine DeBeers: Uh... I'd say 90 minutes. You don't get that ass in an hour-a-day.

Blaine DeBeers: Here, take this.
Peyton Charles: [Peyton looks at the card] A free car wash?
Blaine DeBeers: Whoops, wrong card. I don't think our relationship is quite at that level yet.

Blaine DeBeers: So, what do you say? Team up with me. Stop a zombie killer, maybe save a few lives? Have a few laughs?
Liv Moore: I don't think so.
Blaine DeBeers: Okay, let me put it to you in Liv-speak. Some of these missing zombies have families and are 'nice people.' And more 'nice people' are going to go missing unless you and I do something about it. Look, we know things the FBI doesn't. So we're ahead of the curve. Help me, Zombie-Wan Kenobi. You're our only hope.
Liv Moore: This doesn't change the fact that you still sicken me.
Blaine DeBeers: [Blaine smiles] Wouldn't be me if I didn't.

Liv Moore: This flower had color and could bloom once. And yet death, blind to the beauty of all living things, even one as vibrant as this, has swept over it, wrenching it closer to the ground. Until it breaks.
Major Lilywhite: So, is that a 'yes,' you want a quesadilla or no?

[Ravi and Liv follow the new lead of magicians Smoak and Meers]
Ravi Chakrabarti: Hashtag, 'I think we have a new lead.'
Liv Moore: Don't do that.

The Hurt Stalker[edit]

Vaughn Du Clark: I got the brains. We both got the looks. Let's make lots of money.

[first lines]
Gilda: [Gilda finds Liv in their kitchen, as Liv downs a bottle of hot sauce out of the fridge] Good morning, stranger. Hangover cure?
Liv Moore: Just a weird craving. At least it's not hollandaise sauce, right?

[Gilda taste tests the bubblegum and yellow Super Max flavors]
Gilda: [Gilda exhales] Ugh. Mystery solved. Yellow represents its urine flavor. Can you register some concern with my news? You had me move in with her, so you wouldn't get blind-sided by this sort of thing.
Vaughn Du Clark: Stay on task, sweetie.
Gilda: [Gilda coughs at the second sample] Go with the urine-flavor.

Ravi Chakrabarti: What if you have a vision of having sex with Clive? You might see his O-face!
Liv Moore: Really? That's where your mind goes?
Ravi Chakrabarti: I bet it's super angry. [Ravi makes an angry 'O' face]

Dale Bozzio: Oh, yeah. Clive is a huge Game of Thrones fan. You want to really set him off?
Ravi Chakrabarti: Yes, please!
Dale Bozzio: Ask him what George R.R. Martin is doing right now.
Ravi Chakrabarti: [Ravi gasps] We don't know this man at all. Maybe he is a murderer. We should check his basement for human remains.

Major Lilywhite: Hey, would it be weird if I got Minor a tiny Seahawks jersey and on the back it said, 'Ruff L. Wilson'?

Detective Cavanaugh: If this case were any easier, I'd have slept with it in college.

Liv Moore: Clive plays piano?
Dale Bozzio: Beautifully. He's got one in his living room. You've never been to his place?
Liv Moore: Nope.
Ravi Chakrabarti: Clive has a strict church and state policy with regards to his work and personal life.

Gilda: Wait! Who is this? Where's Dr. Irving?
Vaughn Du Clark: Oh, lab accident. Dr. Lockett's getting his big break.
Gilda: [scoffs] They're like drummers for Spinal Tap.

Gilda: So, the thought of a zombie who works for the police and hates you, finding out we're killing zombies really isn't worth worrying about?
Vaughn Du Clark: Okay, so you really think she's going to go to all her cop buddies, and say, 'Hey, everyone! Zombies exist!' 'Let's go arrest all those guys who rid the world of zombies.' Please.
Gilda: Maybe. Or maybe she just gets hungry one night and decides to eat you.

Liv Moore: I'm going to plead temporary insanity.
Major Lilywhite: Hey. A little jealousy makes a guy feel wanted.
Liv Moore: [Major gets a late night text] Little late for a text, isn't it?
Major Lilywhite: But let's not overplay it.

[jealous-brain Liv goes through Major's phone late at night]
Liv Moore: [narrating] This isn't you, Liv. It's the brain. You know this. Put the phone down and get back in bed. You don't know his pass code, anyway. Or maybe this is a sign.

Liv Moore: You have a safe in your closet?
Major Lilywhite: You're back.
Liv Moore: I didn't like how we left things, so I came back to apologize. When did you get the safe?
Major Lilywhite: I got it when a giant zombie broke into my place last year.

Liv Moore: Who's the bitch using your shower?
Major Lilywhite: Uh...
Liv Moore: Or did you suddenly switch to Sinful Diva shampoo? 'For the shine that gets him to notice you'?
Major Lilywhite: Oh. That's Ravi's. Smell it.
Liv Moore: [Liv smells the shampoo] It does smell like Ravi.

Clive Babineaux: She was a badge bunny.
Liv Moore: A what?
Clive Babineaux: A badge bunny. A woman who sleeps with cops. Something about the badge turns them on.
Ravi Chakrabarti: [Ravi whispers to himself] I have a badge.

Vaughn Du Clark: As I know you've already redecorated my office in your mind, you can only hope.
Gilda: I'll be going with a mid-century vibe. Desk facing north. Warhol originals. Your Elon Musk Bobble-head in the trash.
[Gilda sarcastically chuckles while walking away]

Clive Babineaux: All she wanted to talk about was my job. She wanted details on the cases. She wanted me wearing my holster when we were, uh, intimate. She wanted to hold my gun. [Ravi prepares to make a comment when Clive silences him off] Mmm-mmm.

Liv Moore: This one's clearly photoshopped. Clive's hands aren't white.
Ravi Chakrabarti: At this point, anything's possible.

Ravi Chakrabarti: How'd she get your gun?
Clive Babineaux: Stolen from my place the night before her murder.
Liv Moore: She wanted to have something you touched against her skin.
Clive Babineaux: Whose side are you on?

Liv Moore: I'm Julie Walker and this tall drink of water is my fiance.
Ravi Chakrabarti: Shawrama Parachanchetabarka.
Liv Moore: [Liv continues speaking] We just started wedding planning.

Ravi Chakrabarti: So, Fatal Attraction brain.

Ravi Chakrabarti: Like Robb Stark

Ravi Chakrabarti: Why did you keep it a secret? You figured Shaft never cooked for his friends, so neither could you?
Liv Moore: It's adorable.
Clive Babineaux: And there it is. Need I say more?

Ravi Chakrabarti: I say, it's Pet Sounds by the Beach Boys.

Liv Moore: [Liv takes a bite] Hmm. Mine's a little uninspiring. How's yours?
Ravi Chakrabarti: [Ravi with a full mouth] I'm neither overwhelmed, or underwhelmed. I guess I'm whelmed.
Liv Moore: Grandma must have lost her touch.

Liv Moore: Oh! Jackpot! We've got a hit. 'I'm gonna need a slim jim, a black hoodie and a head lamp.'
Clive Babineaux: What exactly...
Liv Moore: The less you know the better.

Ravi Chakrabarti: Clive. What's George R.R. Martin up to right now?
Clive Babineaux: [Clive answers seriously] Not writing.

Ravi Chakrabarti: We get eight more minutes. So, what do you want to talk about? Oh, what's the best American album of all time? I say, it's Pet Sounds by the Beach Boys.
Liv Moore: Can we just sit here? Eight minutes of silence is just what the doctor ordered.

Liv Moore: Well, I started out just looking for one name. But once I started poking around, I started noticing all these chicks throwing themselves at my man. Oh, 'So true, Major. Violence is bad. Keep fighting the good fight.' Classic whore line. 'A bunch of us are going out for karaoke. You should come with.' Toss your panties at him, Jezebel.
Gilda: Wow!

Gilda: Well, look who's home for once.
Liv Moore: [Liv talks at her laptop] You slut!
Gilda: [Gilda hesitates] Um... Whatcha doing?
Liv Moore: Making a list of all the women who comment or post on Major's Facebook entries. This is bad, huh?
Gilda: It isn't good.

Major Lilywhite: Hate to break it to you, you being the owner of the company and all, but, all the sugar and caffeine in energy drinks just makes you crash.
Vaughn Du Clark: Super Max is no energy drink, my friend. It is a revolution in liquid form.

[last lines]
Liv Moore: [Major opens the safe in his closet for Liv] My engagement ring. I thought for sure you'd sold that when I gave it back to you.
Major Lilywhite: I couldn't stand the idea of anyone else ever wearing it. Besides, I never gave up hope that you'd want it back.

Dr. Lockett: As you can see, the test subject is struggling to keep up at three miles per hour. But once the Super Max enters the blood stream... The results are immediate. We can crank the treadmill up as high as nine miles per hour. Endurance and strength also sky rocket.
Vaughn Du Clark: [the zombie snarls while running] Woah. I'm impressed. Considering how little cash your typical member of the undead carries.

Uma Voss: [about Ravi] That guy you came in with, is he really your fiancé? [Liv nods side to side] Smart. Every man cheats. They can't help themselves.

[Major talks to Liv through the prison visiting glass]
Liv Moore: Well, I'm likely unemployed now, so... Silver lining, my inner stalker has left the building. You can invite some girls over tonight. Play some Twister. See if I care.
Major Lilywhite: These girls I'm inviting over? I'm warning you, they're basically adult film stars. And not even the under contract ones. I'm talking the anything goes kind.
Major Lilywhite: [Liv smiles] I'll be here when they let you out.
Liv Moore: I can't wait.

[Ravi and Liv arrive to the Karma Cleaners & Alterations shop]
Ravi Chakrabarti: All right, what's the plan?
Liv Moore: We'll wing it. You ready to do this?
Ravi Chakrabarti: Yes, and...
Liv Moore: And what?
Ravi Chakrabarti: 'Yes, and... ' It's the first rule of improv? It's what keeps the scene moving forward.
Liv Moore: Try not to talk. You willing to hold my hand?
Ravi Chakrabarti: [Ravi smiles while holding Liv's hand] Yes. And...

Cape Town[edit]

The Fog: I'm the Fog. And tonight... I'm thick with justice.

[first lines]
Carlos Rena: [the two men chase down a female victim in the street, knocking her to the ground] Get up, bitch!
The Fog: Prey on the weak. Feast on my fury.

Liv Moore: [Major scoffs] No 'pfft!' There's no 'pfft!'
Major Lilywhite: All right, you should've been able to see from your snooping that I haven't texted her since we got back together.
Liv Moore: How do I know that you didn't call her from a landline?
Major Lilywhite: Because it's not 1987.

Ravi Chakrabarti: I'm sorry, Seattle has a vigilante crime fighter called The Fog? How did I not know about this?
Clive Babineaux: Oh, we've got a few superhero wannabes here.

Clive Babineaux: Everyone on the force knew this guy. His name is Chris Allred, AKA The Fog. He was a high school shop teacher by day, but at night, he would put on a costume and patrol the streets. He considered himself a real-life superhero.
Liv Moore: So he was crazy?

Ravi Chakrabarti: The Fog certainly took some licks for the greater good.
Liv Moore: Ravi, the most this guy ever did was momentarily distract criminals, who were shocked to see a grown man in tights.

Ravi Chakrabarti: 'Hell hath have no fury like a zombie on stalker brain thinking she's been scorned.'

[Don E. brings in a dying man to Blaine's funeral home]
Don Everheart: (nervously) This is so bad. This is so bad, you got to do something.
Blaine DeBeers: 'Dammit Don E., I'm a brain dealer not a doctor!'

Blaine DeBeers: How familiar are you with the movie... Dawn of the Dead?
Drake Holloway: I've seen it.
Blaine DeBeers: Remember how that group of survivors barricaded themselves inside of a mall?
Drake Holloway: Yeah.
Blaine DeBeers: You're what's outside of the mall. You're a zombie.

Ravi Chakrabarti: I think it's noble to go out and pursue danger to protect the innocent, to be an active symbol of hope. To show the world that one person can make a difference.
Liv Moore: I just think it's kind of ridiculous.
Ravi Chakrabarti: Would you say that to Batman?
Liv Moore: If he were real, yes, I would.

Clive Babineaux: I was afraid this would happen.
Liv Moore: You were afraid someone would find a grown-ass man in a cape in the back of a garbage truck? Pretty specific fear.

Major Lilywhite: Be careful out there.

Clive Babineaux: Our mugging victim ID'd her assailants. They're both in the system.
Liv Moore: [Liv in a low voice] They're not in the system. They are the system.
Clive Babineaux: [Clive hesitates] Yeah, not really following.
Liv Moore: [Liv slowly walks up to Clive] There are bad people in this world. We put them in cages, expect them to change, they never do.

[Ravi inspects The Fog's utility belt]
Ravi Chakrabarti: As a man who's mentally assembled his own utility belt, I find The Fog's impressive. Carabiner hooks. Giant marble. Oh! A giant marble.
Liv Moore: Marble?
Ravi Chakrabarti: Always handy. Mace. [Ravi sniffs the mace] No. No, wait. It's chloroform. And the handiest of crime-fighting tools, duct tape.

Imposing Elf: What are you supposed to be?
Liv Moore: [Liv turns into her zombie rage mode] I'm the nightmare before Christmas.

Liv Moore: [Liv in a low voice] Ghost Cobra. Gray Area. Superfly. Mega Fist. Blue Swallow. Detective Babineaux needs your help. And someday, you may need his. Think of him as your Jim Gordon.
Clive Babineaux: I'm not your Jim Gordon.
Liv Moore: That's right. He's his own man. Detective Clive Babineaux. Remember that name. Your friend in the Seattle PD.

Liv Moore: The Fog, he was attacked by another guy in a costume. Tic-Tac-Toe Man, or something.
Clive Babineaux: That's Hashtag. I'll bring him in. He's another joker in a mask.
Liv Moore: You know where to find him?
Clive Babineaux: All you have to do is summon Hashtag is to hashtag, Hashtag.

Ravi Chakrabarti: Ideally, the name should be symbolic and correspond with your aesthetic and/or powers. Okay. Give this one a moment. Don't say no right away. 'Ol' Scratchy'!

Clive Babineaux: So I spoke to these muggers P.O. and got a last place of employment. Turns out, they work together. Wanna go check them out?
Liv Moore: [Liv in a low voice] I make time for justice.
[as Ravi rocks his head up and down, smiling]

[Clive and Liv find Mr. Boss in the Santa outfit]
Clive Babineaux: That's Mr. Boss. He's head of the biggest crime syndicate in Seattle.
Liv Moore: [Liv in a low voice] So all this Santa delivers to our city is crime.

Stacey Boss: I'm a CPA, not a super villain!

Stacey Boss: What exactly is a 'vigilante crime fighter'?
Liv Moore: You know exactly what he is, a superhero. A selfless defender of those who can't defend themselves.
Stacey Boss: I see. I don't want to pretend to know how to do your job, but it just seems to me, your best bet, would be to aim a floodlight into the night sky with his logo burned into it. I'm sure he'd find you.

Major Lilywhite: This fight is freakin' Groundhog Day.

[Blaine brings the dying man Drake Holloway to the police morgue]
Ravi Chakrabarti: We are not an emergency room. We're not equipped for this. This man is dying, and your first thought is to bring him here?
Blaine DeBeers: Actually, my first thought was to call you and have you come to my place, but I had some concern you wouldn't show, so...

Liv Moore: [Liv in a low voice] This city needs more than a symbol.
Ravi Chakrabarti: Yeah, you keep saying stuff like that. I'll follow behind you, jotting notes for the graphic novel.

Ravi Chakrabarti: "Super Dead," that's just too awkward to say. "Help me, Super Dead." Ooh! "Mighty Whitey!" what do you think?
Liv Moore: I think I would be the Ku Klux Klan's favorite superhero.
Ravi Chakrabarti: Fair enough. What do you think about calling yourself "Doctor Power"? "Dead Power"? "Doctor Dead"? How about "Snow Woman"? Because you're ice-cold, right? Potentially deadly. And...
Liv Moore: A woman. Clever.

Hashtag: The Fog thought he was the king of the superheroes. Always bad-mouthing me to the others. Then I find out he's got a super-team and doesn't ask me. Do you know how many marketing opportunities I was going to lose out on if I wasn't included? You ever hear of Snake Bite?
Clive Babineaux: No.
Hashtag: But I bet you can name everyone in the Justice League, can't you? I rest my case.

Blaine DeBeers: You were dying, and in an effort to save you... Well, we had a zombie scratch you. I may have buried the lead here. Zombies are a real thing.
Drake Holloway: So the fact that I crave...
Blaine DeBeers: Brains? Yeah, that's a zombie thing. But fear not, everything's gonna be just fine. If you follow my instructions, you'll have all the brains you need.
Drake Holloway: I need brains.
Blaine DeBeers: [Blaine chuckles] Sorry. Wow. I am really rusty at the 'Welcome to Team-Z' speech. I should've made pamphlets.

Liv Moore: Now what was it that made The Fog want to form his super-team?
Mega Fist: The Fog heard Mr. Boss was bringing in a shipment of guns.
Clive Babineaux: Mr. Boss, huh?
Mega Fist: Yeah. He said they were big-ass guns.
Clive Babineaux: So, what was the plan?
Ghost Cobra: We really didn't get to the 'hearing the plan' part.
Mega Fist: Mr. Boss? Guns? That's some super-dangerous stuff.

Liv Moore: [Liv in a low voice] You disappoint me.
Mega Fist: Yeah, that's what The Fog said. [Mega Fist sighs] I'm sorry. I work at a cold-pressed juicery during the day. I'm not taking on a crime lord.

Natalie: I was a call girl. The normal, human kind... upscale clientele. Then this mystery man contacts me. We have our date. And the next morning I wake up, and guess what sounds tasty to me?
Major Lilywhite: Brains.
Natalie: Exactly. Then this John drops back by, welcomes me to 'Team Z.' And explains that I was a zombie now and in exchange for the brains I needed to survive, I would have to service his zombie clients.
Major Lilywhite: That's horrible.

Natalie: Being a zombie hooker is horrible. Being a zombie hooker when you've eaten the brain of a Benedictine nun? Or a man with dementia? That is an extra level of devastating. [Natalie chuckles in sadness] A few weeks ago, I shot a deer. I started being vegan when I was 15 and hunter-brain made me kill Bambi.

Drake Holloway: Thank you. And I guess I should thank you for saving my life too, huh?
Liv Moore: You may want to wait a couple weeks. See if you still feel grateful.

Don Everhart: To eat brains or not to eat brains? That is the question.
Blaine DeBeers: It's a bit of an acquired taste.
Liv Moore: You couldn't of flavored it up a bit for him?
Blaine DeBeers: Sorry. The quality of all the meals have gone downhill here since someone's boyfriend offed my chef. Poor Don E. has been reduced to eating pepperoni pockets.

Natalie: [Natalie tears up] I'm either being controlled by a pimp or I'm being controlled by a brain.

Clive Babineaux: We can't just raid a place. There's a protocol. First there's probable cause. Then comes the warrant.
Liv Moore: [Liv in a low voice] I'm the probable cause.

Major Lilywhite: [sitting next to her Christmas tree with her] How badly could you want to die if you spent an hour untangling Christmas lights?
Natalie: I was setting a mood.

Natalie: Yeah, I literally got screwed into becoming a zombie hooker.

Liv Moore: Can we both be honest for a moment? We both know deep down that this can't work. Being a zombie has changed me. You love the woman I was before. You tolerate the woman I am now.
Major Lilywhite: Who you are now is only temporary.
Liv Moore: This brain is temporary. But... The not being able to have sex, the day-to-day personality changes, that's the new normal. And that's what neither one of us is okay with. We're not. The truth is, we belong with our own kind.
Major Lilywhite: Is this... are we breaking up?
Liv Moore: We have to.

Natalie: [Natalie smiles] You sound like the sort of quality boyfriend I've only heard about.
Major Lilywhite: Yeah, I wouldn't be too sure about that.
Natalie: You're doing all of this to keep your girlfriend safe. She's got to appreciate that.
Major Lilywhite: Ah, she doesn't know. I can't tell her. Liv would try to stop Vaughn. I'd end up getting her killed, and I can't risk that. I won't risk that. You know, it's like a cult over there, and he is their messiah offering up immortality in a can. I'm working on a plan, but in the meantime, I have to keep abducting zombies, taking them away from their families, and proving I'm a good soldier, and I'm pretty sure that Liv would find that... reprehensible. I know I do.

Natalie: If this doesn't work... if the cure doesn't happen...
Major Lilywhite: It's going to.
Natalie: But if it doesn't... I don't want to come back as a zombie. Not like this. And definitely not like one of those mindless, drooling monsters you see in the movies.

Blaine DeBeers: Hey, let's get some mojitos. You know, celebrate.
Ravi Chakrabarti: The next shift is showing up here in 10 minutes. This would be rather hard to explain.
Blaine DeBeers: [Blaine looks at Drake in the body bag] Gotta zip you back up, friend. Down you go.

[last lines]
Ravi Chakrabarti: [Ravi speaks into his recorder, after he finds that the test rat regressed and went back to zombie form] The subject maintained a normal state for 162 days. The reversion to zombie form was sudden and complete. There were no warning signs. If the cured rat regressed to zombie form, it's more than likely that at some point, the cured humans will as well. The reversion also casts doubt on all working theories about the cure, muting whatever hopes we've been able to muster. And if hope is indeed lost, what's left for our zombies to live for?

Method Head[edit]

[first lines]
Liv Moore: [Liv arrives at Ravi's house] Hey, I just got your message. I came as soon as I could.
Ravi Chakrabarti: I texted you last night. Several times. Where were you?
Liv Moore: Out thinking. Where were you, Pigpen?
Ravi Chakrabarti: Out digging.

Major Lilywhite: Where do you think it is?
Liv Moore: In the stomach of a dead drug dealer with a prosthetic leg.
Ravi Chakrabarti: Well, the good news is, we've managed to narrow the location of his unmarked grave to a single 100-acre field.
Major Lilywhite: You really need to work on the whole "Good news" concept.

Blaine DeBeers: How long have I got? If it's less than a couple of weeks, I need to add brains to my Christmas wish list.

Liv Moore: That's the essence of acting. It's a search for truth.
Ravi Chakrabarti: [Ravi crosses his legs and fingers like a therapist] Tell me more about this truth and how to find it.
Liv Moore: To create a reality where the truth is fear of zombies, I would draw on a sense memory of something that scared me. Like the time I went camping and I saw a bear.
Ravi Chakrabarti: Or the times you've seen actual zombies.
Liv Moore: My point is you don't act with words. You act with your soul. With your imagination. That's what gives the words life.

Ravi Chakrabarti: Yes, Olivia, there is a Santa Claus Brain.

[Liv cuts the red suit off the dead Santa Claus in the morgue]
Liv Moore: This isn't the sort of visit from old Saint Nick I had in mind.
Ravi Chakrabarti: [Ravi into his recorder] Beard color, white as snow.

[Ravi sits Liv and Major on the couch to tell them something]
Ravi Chakrabarti: I thought you should both hear this at the same time.
Major Lilywhite: Oh, no, are you and Mom getting a divorce?

Liv Moore: Remember what it's like to eat an apple? Oh, look, there's one now, ripening on this tree.
Ravi Chakrabarti: [Liv picks the apple off the imaginary tree] Hey, I was saving that.
Liv Moore: [Liv shines the apple on her lab coat before taking a bite of it] The skin is so smooth and cool. Here, let me make it shiny before I... Mmm. So crisp and juicy. Oh, sorry. I got some on you.
Ravi Chakrabarti: Fascinating. I wish I had some popcorn. Oh, wait, I do.
[Ravi smiles, opening his computer desk and pulling out a bowl of imaginary popcorn]

Ravi Chakrabarti: Silver lining... You know, you two finally get to have hot zombie sex. Right? Room temperature zombie sex?
Major Lilywhite: Yeah, about that...
Liv Moore: We broke up.
Ravi Chakrabarti: [Major mouths to Ravi that Liv broke up with him] Ah. Right.

[Major finds a car license plate while looking for the tainted Utopium in the 100-acre field]
Ravi Chakrabarti: Add it to the, 'Not Utopium' pile.

Blaine DeBeers: Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in.

Major Lilywhite: I got you a little something, Liv.
Liv Moore: [Liv opens the present and gasps] Zombie High, the Complete Second Season!
Ravi Chakrabarti: What's my gift?
Major Lilywhite: Not having to watch that.

Gilda: I think we've got a major problem.
Vaughn Du Clark: A "Major" major problem or a minor major problem?

Clive Babineaux: You two don't seem that skeeved.
Ravi Chakrabarti: We've pulled stranger things out of corpses. Golf balls. A snake.
Liv Moore: Besides, we were expecting it.
Clive Babineaux: Jordan's pierced...
Ravi Chakrabarti: Yeah, it's front and center on his sex tape.
Clive Babineaux: He had a sex tape?
Ravi Chakrabarti: [Ravi looks at Liv] Aw... So innocent.

Liv Moore: Well, there it is. Some of the most famous junk in America.
Clive Babineaux: Cover it. Cover it. Who gets pierced there? Why?
Ravi Chakrabarti: It's called a Prince Albert. I wonder how you get it through airport security.

[Blaine counts his money at the funeral home]
Blaine DeBeers: You know, it's hard enough being a rich zombie. You got to worry about paying taxes, eating brains. And now some nut-job's out there picking off your kind like ducks in a shooting gallery.

[Ravi watches a scene of Zombie High]
Ravi Chakrabarti: Ugh, it's like a bad-acting workshop. This is what you get when a TV show worships at the altar of youth, bimbos and himbos running around screaming, in a school where, apparently, shop class isn't the only place to see something wooden and poorly constructed.

Clive Babineaux: Oh, I can't. I'm doing another canvass of Pioneer Square.
Dale Bozzio: Swing by when you're done and you can canvass this. And by canvass, I mean have sex with.

Bonnie: After we started sleeping together. He's so nice and... He'd ask about my job and what was going on in the writers' room. And then a few months ago, he read for the Blue Ranger part in the new Power Rangers movie.
Liv Moore: I don't know if he has the range for Blue.

[Clive eats a fresh muffin on the set of Zombie High]
Clive Babineaux: Did you know the donuts at the precinct are all a day-old? That's how civil servants are valued.

Liv Moore: Last night, I was watching Zombie High, and now I'm friggin' in it. But only because the star's been murdered. Is there a word that means both cool and awful?
Ravi Chakrabarti: In the 16th century, the word was egregious. Now it just means, 'shockingly bad.' As in, the way Zombie High treats science.
Liv Moore: It's not supposed to be a documentary on zombie biology.
Ravi Chakrabarti: Then mission accomplished.

Director: Cut! Come on, people. There's only one gunshot. So why are there two squibs?
Bonnie: Standards won't let us get away with that much blood.

Clive Babineaux: The actor who pulled the trigger apparently had no idea he was holding a real weapon.
Liv Moore: Who was that?
Clive Babineaux: Wyatt Carver.
Liv Moore: [Liv in excitement] Cody! Sorry.
Ravi Chakrabarti: Uh, she's seen every episode. On purpose.

Romero Zombie #2: You must be new. Has anyone showed you how zombies walk?
[the Romero Zombie actor holds up his arms and plate, grunting]

Gilda: Do you know what Mom used to say about you?
Vaughn Du Clark: "You should've gotten that man's name"?
Gilda: 'Vaughn Du Clark, smartest man in the world until you stroke his ego. Then he's like all the rest.'

Liv Moore: [Liv gasps in the school hallway] Oh, my God. That's where Burdick defied principle Henson and went out looking for more ammo. [Liv gasps] And this is the drinking fountain where Burdick first got the news that his foster brother was his actual brother.
Ravi Chakrabarti: [Ravi gasps when he see's the actual dead Burdick] And that's where Burdick died.

Liv Moore: What's with you? Why were you all twitchy?
Clive Babineaux: Zombies kinda freak me out.

[Liv finds Ravi in the morgue watching Zombie High]
Liv Moore: I thought you hated the show.
Ravi Chakrabarti: [Ravi rolls his eyes] I did. But it's like mental pork rinds. I can't stop!

Romero Zombie #2: Hey, hey, without us, there is no Zombie High. It's just... High.
Romero Zombie #1: Yeah, where's the mutual respect? You know what'd be fun? A zombie show where a zombie's the star.
Clive Babineaux: That's dumb.

[Liv tells Ravi that Jordan Marsh was trying to star in the new Power Rangers movie before his murder]
Ravi Chakrabarti: If I'm hearing you right, there's going to be another Power Rangers movie!

Liv Moore: Ravi took a video of me snoring, and I was on the verge of ripping out every follicle of his facial hair if he hadn't deleted it.
Ravi Chakrabarti: [Ravi next to the two] Steady.

Blaine DeBeers: [Blaine looks at the rugged Don E] What happened? You tussle with a Doberman?
Don Everhart: One of our client's bodyguards went after Chief by mistake. Oh, he thinks he may have scratched him.
Blaine DeBeers: Well, I guess we'll hear soon if all zombie hell breaks loose.

Clive Babineaux: David Biel, a resident of the Yesler Mission Men's Shelter. Lately, he's been raising them money at Third and Cherry dressed like this, ringing a bell.
Liv Moore: Any idea why someone rang his?

Clive Babineaux: Did you find the prop gun?
Fitz: Not yet. You can bet it'll be me who gets fired for it, not Numbnuts.
Liv Moore: I love the cute little nicknames the crew have for the actors.

Vaughn Du Clark: There they are. Come on, people. Look alive-ish.

Gilda: He's playing you.
Vaughn Du Clark: Please. You can't play a player.
Gilda: You're too vain to see it. He's blinded you with man-jewelry and the promise of a rock-hard ass.
Vaughn Du Clark: Well, promise delivered.

[last lines]
Dale Bozzio: [Agent Bozzio sees the sketches of Blaine on Clive's police desk] Who's this?
Clive Babineaux: Uh, a suspect in the Meat Cute Massacre. Why?
Dale Bozzio: I just met him. Two of my missing presumed-dead guys had his phone number on them. This is our guy!

Fifty Shades of Grey Matter[edit]

[first lines]
Grace LeGare: [a man walks into a school library] Can I help you?
Kyle: I just need to use the computers.
Grace LeGare: Do you need the Wi-Fi password?

Ravi Chakrabarti: [about Grace LeGare] So they send her to us. And she might've been categorized a 'respiratory failure' due to 'unknown'. But...
Liv Moore: But Ravi figured it out, and he's super desperate for an attaboy.
Clive Babineaux: [Clive hesitates] Attaboy.

Clive Babineaux: What do we know about hemlock?
Ravi Chakrabarti: Well, I believe it was Socrates who said of hemlock, 'I drank what?'

[Liv hugs Peyton after the two realize that Peyton slept with Blaine]
Peyton Charles: I should, uh, head home and take a Silkwood shower.

Liv Moore: Claudius killed Hamlet Sr. with a drop of hemlock in his ear.

[Liv sees Drake while she's on the erotica-brain]
Drake Holloway: Liv.
Liv Moore: [Liv takes a deep breath] God help me.

Liv Moore: She wrote erotica, I can barely keep it in my pants.
Ravi Chakrabarti: Then you think about something sacred, like your mum. Or something gross, like Margaret Thatcher. What do American boys think about?
Liv Moore: Baseball, I guess?
Ravi Chakrabarti: [Ravi rocks his head up and down] Then think about baseball.

Liv Moore: I've been a bad morgue attendant. I'll understand if there are punitive measures.
Ravi Chakrabarti: Liv, did you eat a librarian from a porno?

[Liv and Clive listen to Grace LeGare's pre-release copy of her audiobook]
Kristen Bell: [Liv and Clive share headphones] 'The Upright Position,' as read by Kristen Bell.
Liv Moore: I've always felt a kind of connection to her.
Kristen Bell: [the audio sample continues] He tore off my scarf, a savage beast in heat. 'You've been a bad little bitch, haven't you?' My breasts heaved against the cool, molded plastic of the airplane's instruments. He pressed his maleness against me. 'Sonja,' he growled, husky with passion. 'I'm gonna show you why they call it a cockpit.'

Liv Moore: Have you guys ever wrestled? Stripped down, oiled up, seen who winds up on top?
Major Lilywhite: Have we?
Ravi Chakrabarti: Strangely enough, no.
Major Lilywhite: Night's young.

Drake Holloway: I would've called you but I don't have your number.
Liv Moore: Babe... [Drake squints] Ruth.

Dale Bozzio: I hate tea. Burnt water with plants in it. Some dick took the last K-cup. [Bozzio smiles when she sees that it was Clive who's sipping away at the K-cup] I'd throw this on your lap if I wasn't going to use it later.

Ink: Do you know who I am?
Drake Holloway: [Drake looks at Ink's open jacket] A big Danny Trejo fan?

Liv Moore: Here's the plan. If we're still interested when this brain wears off a bit, we can pick up where we left off. But right now, we can't do this.
Drake Holloway: [Drake clears his throat] Story of my life. Zombie date sends me away until horny brain wears off. [as Drake kisses Liv's forehead]

Liv Moore: He's got these thick biceps that stretch the cottony limits of his T-shirt.
Peyton Charles: Hmm.
Liv Moore: He's got a scar on his face that speaks of sin. This is a man who knows when to take a woman by the back of her neck and...
Peyton Charles: Oh!
Liv Moore: Sorry. I'm on horny-librarian-slash-erotica-novelist brain.

Liv Moore: He really fills out those fitted shirts, huh?
[both Major and Ravi nod up and down while eating]

Dale Bozzio: So we use FBI resources. Get the mother of all databases on it.
Clive Babineaux: And then we bust this S.O.B.
Dale Bozzio: And then victory sex.

Liv Moore: If you do wrestle, film it.

Major Lilywhite: Why do people bury license plates? Do they think cars are going to grow out of the ground? All this digging in a field, and still no tainted Utopium, but I have license plates from 30 states.

[Major says goodbye to Minor before leaving him on a public bus]
Major Lilywhite: [Major pets Minor on the bus] You're going to be famous, buddy. [Minor's nose whistles] Yeah! You know that? Huh? Everyone's looking for you. Yeah, I know. This time tomorrow, you'll have a great home, maybe a couple of kids. I'm sorry, buddy. I'm gonna miss you. [Major kisses Minor on the head]

Liv Moore: Men are always so phallocentric, Clive. Why is that?
Clive Babineaux: [Clive turns away] Just are.

Dale Bozzio: Ugh. Why is the little dot not coming up?
Clive Babineaux: You gotta tap reload to make it...
Dale Bozzio: Did you hear that?
Clive Babineaux: What?
Dale Bozzio: It sounded like a man who's never used this app in his life trying to mansplain.

Peyton Charles: [Peyton starts combing Blaine's hair] So, this hair...
Blaine DeBeers: Mm-hmm?
Peyton Charles: How much product do you got working in here?
Blaine DeBeers: It's just a dollop of pomade and I'm out the door.

[Liv makes out with Drake on the table]
Liv Moore: Wait! I'm taking advantage of you.
Drake Holloway: I don't think that's true.
Liv Moore: [Drake continues kissing Liv] Wait. I roofied you with horny-librarian brain.
Drake Holloway: That's a first.

[Peyton makes out with Blaine on the couch]
Peyton Charles: [Peyton stares at Blaine] I think you put some serious time into this look.
Blaine DeBeers: Well, we can't all look like we were created in a lab by 14 year-old boys, can we?
[as Blaine continues kissing Peyton]

Liv Moore: She hadn't gotten laid in years. This really isn't me.
Drake Holloway: This isn't, uh, far from me. Really, I would've been willing pre-brain. Pre-zombie. Pretty much anywhere after my 12th birthday.

Clive Babineaux: [Clive holds up a mug shot of Blaine] Blaine. We found him.
Dale Bozzio: Gets crazier. DeBeers is an alias, too. It's a moniker he picked up from some high schoolers he sold beer and pot to with a real winner, Julien DeWeed. As in 'Blaine's got da beers, Julien's got da weed.'

[Blaine sits in the interrogation room at the police precinct wearing handcuffs]
Blaine DeBeers: I'm chafing a little here. I suppose it's too much to ask for the fuzzy ones?

[Peyton stops Clive from interrogating Blaine]
Blaine DeBeers: [to Peyton] You look good on a white horse.

[Ravi gets home from his nightly digging]
Ravi Chakrabarti: Minor, guess who found some bones!

[Ravi finds Major in the kitchen after arriving home]
Ravi Chakrabarti: Hey. Good night of making rich white people less fat?
Major Lilywhite: Yeah. It's God's work what I do.

[Ravi watches erotica-brain Liv leave the morgue]
Ravi Chakrabarti: Go forth and direct your lust elsewhere.

Drake Holloway: So, here's the thing... if I can't deal with Blaine anymore, you think I could, um... get brains from you? From here?
Liv Moore: I don't really know you.
Drake Holloway: Oh. No, I totally get it. I'll make the Blaine situation work.
Liv Moore: But I'd like to know you.
Drake Holloway: [Drake chuckles] Yeah? Just say when.

Peyton Charles: Hey, I'm pre-ordering this book. You're not the only one in a dry spell.

Peyton Charles: [Peyton in a southern accent] I don't know what it is, but it makes me drunk southern. Uh-huh.
Blaine DeBeers: [Blaine in a southern accent] Mmm-hmm. What about champagne? [Blaine in a French accent] Do you go French? Ooh! What about tequila?
Peyton Charles: Oh, God, no. You do not want to know what happens to me when I drink tequila.
Blaine DeBeers: I'm pretty sure I do.
Peyton Charles: No. No.
Blaine DeBeers: Yes. As for me... [Blaine in a Cockney accent] I go drunk Cockney, I do. Oh! A cuppa mudder's ruin, luv, an it's all 'Varder those bonnie lallies.' Etcetera, etcetera.

Andy LeGare: I'm going to be in this chair for the rest of my life. You know what gets me through my days? Knowing that people look at me and they see a hero. You know what I was going to be once that book came out? The guy who couldn't give it to his wife, so she fantasizes about doing it with everybody else. Threesomes. French guys. Ex-cons.
Liv Moore: She didn't cheat on you. They weren't her stories.
Andy LeGare: No one's gonna believe that. I begged her not to publish. She didn't care. My wife didn't care.

[last lines]
Peyton Charles: [before leaving Liv's home, Peyton tells Liv with tears down her eyes] You know, you sleep with someone, you think you know them. But they could be anybody. Good night.
Drake Holloway: [as Liv walks into her bedroom, seeing Drake in bed] Everything okay?

Physician, Heal Thy Selfie[edit]

[first lines]
Drake Holloway: [Liv walks into her bedroom, seeing Drake in bed] Everything okay?
Liv Moore: Yeah. Just helping a friend. Sorry I took so long.
Drake Holloway: Don't be sorry. Watching you crawl back into bed is not a bad thing.

[Peyton arrives at Ravi's house for a sleepover]
Ravi Chakrabarti: [when Peyton apologizes] Don't be sorry, we love having you here. Although, you do have a habit of picking the marshmallows out of my cereal, leaving me with a less-than-ideal ratio of marshmallow to crunchy bits, but, you know, I'll let that slide... [when Ravi sees that Peyton's been crying] Oh, no, Peyton. What is it?
Peyton Charles: I screwed up at work.
Ravi Chakrabarti: Can I do anything? I mean, because if you want me to pick every last marshmallow bear out of that box for you... I'll do it.

Peyton Charles: When I was in college, I had this professor, and when he'd hand out the Friday quiz, he'd say, 'Duck soup for you, Sweetheart.' I think he thought it was easier for me than everyone else. But I was probably working twice as hard.
Ravi Chakrabarti: Yeah, before you moved in, I just assumed you were a fembot that plugged into a charging station at night.

Ravi Chakrabarti: I don't know what happened at work, but I promise, the only opinion you need to worry about is your own.
Peyton Charles: It's a pretty low opinion right now.
Ravi Chakrabarti: Well, it shouldn't be. You are formidable. I mean, you're clever and disciplined.
Peyton Charles: Hardly.
Ravi Chakrabarti: Those are just the top tier qualities. All right? You're also clearly blessed with a hollow leg.

Peyton Charles: No, no. Don't go.
Ravi Chakrabarti: I must. I know how this turns out. It's like the shots contest in Raiders of the Lost Ark. You're Karen Allen, and I'm the fat Nepalese guy that ends up under the table.

Ravi Chakrabarti: The violent soundscape of nature is making my ears bleed. Birds chirping, leaves rustling, gnats laying eggs.
Liv Moore: Never start a land war in Asia. Never go toe-to-toe with Peyton Charles when drinking is involved.

Clive Babineaux: Hoping you can work your magic, Liv, help ID these guys.
Liv Moore: Uh...
Ravi Chakrabarti: Looks like a no-brainer to me, Liv.

[Ravi catches Liv posting a picture of Madison Brenneck's brain on Instagram]
Ravi Chakrabarti: [Ravi clears his throat] Did you post a picture of what I assume is Madison Brenneck wrapped in sushi rice on your Instagram account? Hashtag 'brain food'?
Liv Moore: 'Course I grammed it, that fish was on fleek. Oh, my God. Why did I post that?
Ravi Chakrabarti: Why does anyone post pictures of food? I think it's okay. It just looks like raw tuna.

Ravi Chakrabarti: It turns out our Madison was quite the millennial social media maven. Instagram, Facebook, Tumblr. She had over 600 Yelp reviews. The day she died, she tweeted 27 times. [when Ravi notices Liv not paying attention by tweeting] Liv. Liv.
Liv Moore: 'Devoured tuna roll.' Hashtag 'Sushi obsessed.' Hashtag 'Covering my ass.'

Ravi Chakrabarti: You need to be careful not to overshare on social media. Anything zombie-related is TMI.
Liv Moore: Don't worry. I'm on my chill hustle hundo-p.
Ravi Chakrabarti: My annoying millennial speak knowledge ended with TMI, so I have no idea what you just said.

Vaughn Du Clark: Someone pulls a knife, I pull a gun.

Peyton Charles: [Liv stands at Peyton's side] Blaine thinks he and I could have something special.
Liv Moore: Aww, he swiped right. I'm sure that your Tinder photo is hair-centric and flattering, but how do you spin that bio? 'I'm a humble guy, always down for a hike, or we could just murder and chill.' 'My fave slays are astronauts, homeless teens and boyfriend.'

Peyton Charles: (to Blaine) For the record, all you are to me is a giant mistake.

[Ravi receives a text from social-media-brain Liv]
Ravi Chakrabarti: 'The struggle is real. Props for the good looks. Boom.'

Blaine DeBeers: I take it Peyton knows all about Team Z.
Liv Moore: Nobody calls it that. Stop trying to make Team Z a thing.

[Ravi gives Liv the brain of an innocent victim who died]
Ravi Chakrabarti: [Ravi talks like a game show host] Olivia Moore! Let's see what's inside drawer number one. Today we're sending you home with Madison Brenneck. [Ravi opens one of the morgue doors] 25 years old. The victim of an ill-fated rendezvous with a Seattle cross-town. Bus driver said she never even looked up from her phone. She's only in our morgue because she was killed on city property. So, Madison comes complete with wonderfully unremarkable, non-murdery visions.
Liv Moore: All the great taste, none of the foul play.

[Peyton sees Liv tweet a selfie photo of them both that she just took]
Peyton Charles: Did you just tweet that photo of us? Hashtag 'friendship goals.' Hashtag 'booty had me like what'?
Liv Moore: [Liv with a smile on her face] Not cool?
Peyton Charles: Uh, little weird.

Vaughn Du Clark: Max Rager is a global brand, Major. We are everywhere. Like Starbucks. Or the Eye of Sauron.

Stacey Boss: Can I offer you a Vatrushka? Come on. You've got a second shot at life. Indulge.
Liv Moore: I'm good.
Stacey Boss: Well, there's your problem.

[the CI Tanner sees Liv at the police precinct]
Tanner: You look just like this doll my little sister used to have.

Ravi Chakrabarti: But stay here. You know, you'll have two men living with you, one's practically a Greek god who's turned his body into a finely tuned weapon, and, of course, Major. And either of us would do anything for you.
Peyton Charles: My new place has a 24-hour doorman and a hot tub.
Ravi Chakrabarti: The Major will serve as our doorman. All right? He's great with doors. The opening. The closing. And I will make sure your tub time's hot as hell.

Liv Moore: What does it mean if the guy you're dating isn't on Facebook?
Clive Babineaux: I don't use Facebook. So, nothing?
Liv Moore: Hmm.
Clive Babineaux: Or maybe he's married with a bunch of kids.

Liv Moore: [Liv takes a photo of Tanner when he doesn't cooperate] What's your Twitter handle, Tanner? Hashtag 'real CI's of Seattle,' hashtag 'riding the U-boat.'
Tanner: Sally Tiny Tears is freaking me out, man. I can't have people thinking I'm tight with cops.

Liv Moore: It's him. What do I do?
Ravi Chakrabarti: Well, he's a zombie with anger issues and a prison record. As far as millennial breakup options go, ghosting him gets my vote.

[Clive hands Agent Bozzio a muffin while her head's flat on her desk]
Clive Babineaux: You should eat. [Bozzio turns her head while looking exhausted] And sleep.
[Bozzio scoffs]

Ravi Chakrabarti: What are you doing on the Seattle PD database?
Liv Moore: Looking for background info on Drake. I feel like he might be hiding something. What kind of person doesn't use Twitter or Facebook?
Ravi Chakrabarti: Only a lunatic. How else would he disseminate inspirational quotes and latte art?

[Ravi watches a video of social-media-brain Liv unpack a MorgueTech box]
Ravi Chakrabarti: A hundred and fifty-three people watched you unpack a box. How? Why? Please tell me you're not watching your own vlog.

Drake Holloway: [Drake receives a phone text] I am so sorry, can we reschedule? My mom's kitchen sink is leaking. Which I know doesn't sound like an emergency, but if I don't handle it, she'll call 911.
Liv Moore: Buzzfeed teaches us that when a man abruptly changes his plans, he's up to no good.

[Vaughn Du Clark reads out a tweet from Twitter to Major]
Vaughn Du Clark: 'Max Rager tastes like the ass of a turtle swimming in a dirty river.'
Gilda: I don't know why he does this to himself.
Vaughn Du Clark: Thank you, Sambulo21, from Swaziland. Boy, I just love this guy's comprehensive knowledge of how turtle ass tastes.

Vaughn Du Clark: I'm going to be so upset if you're not telling me the truth. And I don't get mad, Major.
Major Lilywhite: You get even?
Vaughn Du Clark: Oh, God, no. No, no, no. What's the fun there? I get even with interest. I embrace the Chicago way.

[Vaughn Du Clark reads out a tweet from Twitter]
Vaughn Du Clark: 'Vaughn Douche Clark.' So original.

Drake Holloway: My dad split, my mom had a string of loser boyfriends. The worst was this mean drunk named Frank. So, I'm 19. I come home and my mom's eye is swollen shut. Blood down the front of her shirt. Frank's just sitting in front of the TV with his hands in his shorts, calling out for another beer like nothing happened. And I just snapped. Went after him. He pulled a knife, that's how I got this. The prosecutor said I went a bit overboard, because Frank still can't walk. Or feed himself.
Liv Moore: I'm glad you told me.
Drake Holloway: Well, I usually wait until date five or six to spring the whole ex-con thing on a girl.

[Ravi sees social-media-brain Liv write a mean food review]
Ravi Chakrabarti: 'Real talk? Your sandwich artist was chugging some serious haterade today. No eye contact? Am I a leper? Also, where's the main-from-scratch sriracha? The artisanal pickles?' One star. A bit harsh for Bernie's Sub Shack, don't you think? We eat there once a week.
Liv Moore: [Liv keeps typing] Hashtag 'Sorry, not sorry.'

[Drake shows up at the morgue to talk to Liv]
Drake Holloway: Haven't heard from you. What happened? Sex-starved-librarian brain wear off and you lost interest?
Liv Moore: Oh, no, I've just had a crazy day at work, lots of murders.
Drake Holloway: [Drake pulls out his phone] Yet you, uh, had time to tweet 17 times today. 'Pumpkin spice latte, yay!' 'Stop lights, boo!' 'Wow, Seattle, cloudy much?'

Drake's Mother: I took a couple of cosmetology classes at the community college. I could give you a little makeover!
Drake Holloway: She's beautiful, Ma!
Drake's Mother: Yeah, so is the sun, but you can't stare directly at it.

Peyton Charles: Man, you work up the nerve to resign and your boss gets abducted.

[Liv meets Drake's mother as Drake works on her sink]
Drake's Mother: She's got the coloring of a paper towel, but I'm not supposed to say anything.
Drake Holloway: [Drake scoffs] I'm sorry. She tends to say the first thing that pops into her head.

[Drake's mother takes a picture of Drake and Liv standing together]
Drake's Mother: Okay, press your tongues to the roof of your mouths. You know, we don't want any waddles. And smile!
Liv Moore: [Drake's mother snaps the off-centered picture] If you post that, you have to tag me in it.
Drake's Mother: [Drake's mother smiles] I don't know what that means, honey.

Marina Owner: [the Marina Owner yells to his son who's on his phone] Kids and their phones. You'll understand what I mean some day.
Clive Babineaux: [as Clive turns to to see Liv taking a selfie of herself] No, I think I get it now.

Clive Babineaux: No visions? I think the radiation from your cell phone is giving you third eye cataracts.
Liv Moore: Don't hate 'cause you can't relate.

Peyton Charles: Look, I know one thing. If I ever was turned into a zombie, my first order of business would be to scratch you. I'd be like, 'Oh, man! I'm a zombie.' Scratch!
Ravi Chakrabarti: Seems a little self-serving, but okay.
Peyton Charles: No way am I doing this whole zombie thing without you.

[Liv meets the zombie district attorney Floyd Baracus]
Floyd Baracus: How did you know? About me. What I am.
Liv Moore: You have forty varieties of hot sauce and three heads in the fridge.

[Liv sees Ravi hungover again from drinking late with Peyton]
Liv Moore: Is your breakfast not using its indoor voice?
Ravi Chakrabarti: [Ravi stares into his Rice Krispies cereal bowl] Snap, crackle, pop. So loud.
Liv Moore: Drinking on a school night again with Peyton. You're a disgrace to your country's proud history of functional lushes.

[Ravi wakes up hungover one last time from drinking late with Peyton]
Liv Moore: [Liv over the phone] Like I told you, when you're playing drinking games with Peyton, all you'll walk away with is a 'thanks for participating' ribbon.
Ravi Chakrabarti: A tiny man with a jackhammer has taken up residence in my skull.

[Blaine sings to himself while sitting in his funeral hearse]
Blaine DeBeers: [Blaine bangs on the steering wheel] Nice girls not one with the defect / Cellophane shrink-wrapped, so correct.

[last lines]
Liv Moore: [Liv has a vision of Don E. selling Blaine's drugs] Blaine is the new player.

[Peyton and Ravi hug each other goodbye]
Peyton Charles: You're the best.
Ravi Chakrabarti: You know, for the record, I'd be very sad to see you go. My liver, on the other hand, is like, 'Good riddance.'

[Vaughn Du Clark turns on his television for Major to see what happened to the Trickster27 troll]
Vaughn Du Clark: Looks like he's had something of a bad day. Yeah, that's Thai for 'pool of his own blood.' Yeah, I don't think he's going to be thumbing through any of those magazine subscriptions.
Gilda: [Gilda looks at Major] Wonder if he had any adorable rugrats.

Tanner: Okay, yeah, there's a new player. A mystery man with a new product. Lucky U. It's the sickest Utopium out there. Totally uncut, insane high. And cheap. The bunk I'm slinging's got more steps than Helen Keller in a corn maze.
Clive Babineaux: Tell me more about this mystery man.
Tanner: It's like you don't know what the word mystery means.

Ravi Chakrabarti: Why are we sprinting?
Liv Moore: Because I'm hungry. I haven't eaten anything lately.
Ravi Chakrabarti: I was afraid that horny-librarian-brain would lead to poor life choices.

Vaughn Du Clark: Hey, why don't we send him some really embarrassing magazine subscriptions, huh?
Janko: 'Chub Hub.' Or 'Bathhouse Monthly.'
Vaughn Du Clark: Or, wait. What's that really freaky one you like?
Janko: 'Slow Torture and Gardens'?

Peyton Charles: You don't mind me staying in your hair a little longer?
Ravi Chakrabarti: I do mind. Yeah, you know... But Nietzsche taught us that to live is to suffer.

Blaine DeBeers: I saw things at that boat party. Things that still haunt me. I spent a couple weeks shivering in a dark room, and I decided it was a sign that I needed a change.
Stacey Boss: A sign, huh? You think God was so desperate for you to change your ways that he slaughtered all those innocent people to make a point?
Blaine DeBeers: Well, we're talking about the same guy that thought Noah's Ark was a solid plan

The Whopper[edit]

Clive Babineaux: Geo-whatting?
Ravi Chakrabarti: Geocaching. It's a real world outdoor treasure hunting game. Strangers leave caches, post the GPS coordinates, and then people like us go out and find them. That's what we were doing.
Clive Babineaux: What sort of treasures?
Ravi Chakrabarti: Oh! Let's see. Uh, Matchbox cars, sets of crayons.
Major Lilywhite: Yeah. I found a wheat penny once.
Clive Babineaux: So treasures for children.
Ravi Chakrabarti: It's more about the joy of discovery. Why do men climb mountains, Clive?
Clive Babineaux: Because it tests their endurance, their courage, their sense of themselves as men? Oh, I'm sorry. Were you drawing a comparison?

[first lines]
Major Lilywhite: [Major and Ravi dig in the open field in search of the Utopium on the dead body] Ravi! Ravi! [Ravi takes his headphones off] We did it! There he is! Zombie cure, here we come!
Ravi Chakrabarti: It isn't one of our guys. Ours has been dead for nearly two years. This one's only a couple of months gone.
Major Lilywhite: Then who is this?

Clive Babineaux: I'll run this by Bozzio.
Ravi Chakrabarti: [Ravi whispers] If she bears your children, you'll start using her first name, right?

Jeremy Chu: These brains, man. You handed me a Holocaust survivor. Do you want me to describe some of my visions to you?
Blaine DeBeers: She was a classical violinist. Go out and impress some ladies.

Miss Shaefer: [Miss Shaefer sees the body] Oh! Oh, this jackass.
Clive Babineaux: You do know him?
Miss Shaefer: Kind of. His name's Corey. I hooked up with him a couple months ago. Dick never called me again.
Liv Moore: Possibly because he was dead.
Miss Shaefer: Yeah. You're right. That's probably why. 'Cause I know he had a good time.

[Blaine and Chief stand over the coffin Major's nailed shut in]
Blaine DeBeers: [Major continues to thump for help] Should we see what he wants? I sure don't want my hole to go to waste. [Blaine gets a text message from Chief] Yeah, Chief. "That's what she said." Don't bother.

Dale Bozzio: Hey, Liv. What's up?
Liv Moore: Clive didn't tell you? About my lottery ticket?
Dale Bozzio: First I've heard of it.
Liv Moore: I hit five out of six numbers, and I only missed the sixth by one. I was this close to $40 million.
Dale Bozzio: Five out of six numbers, I think that still wins you 50 grand or something like that.
Liv Moore: Oh shoot! Why did I tear up my ticket? I just was so mad. Live and learn, I guess.
Dale Bozzio: That's very Zen of you.
Liv Moore: [Liv smiles] Well, back to the salt mines.

Liv Moore: What am I looking at, Ravi?
Ravi Chakrabarti: Matricide. These six young zombie rats are clones of New Hope. The remains you see here are those of the mother that gave birth to them. Apparently, the little clones decided it was time to switch from mother's milk to brains.
Liv Moore: Why the clones?
Ravi Chakrabarti: When we find the tainted Utopium, I'd prefer to test on rats, normal and zombie, rather than humans. New Hope, like Blaine and Major, became a zombie and was given the cure. Her clone should give us the most accurate picture of what Blaine and Major can expect. I'd hate to lose a perfectly good zombie rat.

Blaine DeBeers: I know it's hard to feel bad for someone that grew up with a nanny but I hope no one is picturing Mary Poppins here.

Liv Moore: I invented the Orgasm, Clive. Amaretto. Irish Cream Whiskey. Coffee Liqueur. That was me.

Liv Moore: What's the Missy Elliott song? "Cerebellum Don't Fail Me Now"?
Ravi Chakrabarti: I don't think that's how it goes.

Liv Moore: You know, I used to bartend.
Clive Babineaux: You never mentioned that.
Liv Moore: Yeah. At this island-themed place called Jamaica Me Thirsty. The bartenders were the show, juggling bottles, making drinks blindfolded, dancing on the bar. I was kind of a big deal. Don't bother looking for the place now.
Clive Babineaux: Wasn't planning to.

[Major sees Don E. for the first time]
Major Lilywhite: Scott E?
Don Everhart: Nope. I'm flattered, though. That was one good-looking man.

Blaine DeBeers: Bad news, brother. Today is the last day of your life. So you better get straight with your God, 'cause here comes the big one. You comfy in there? I ask, because it's where you're going to be spending eternity. But because I'm a forgiving man, I'm willing to let you decide which way you go out. There's quick and painless, a bullet straight to the heart. I know, a head shot would be quicker, but that brain of yours is gonna fetch a pretty penny. Or... we turn you into a zombie and we bury you in this box, where you will suffer forever with an abiding hunger for brains that you will never sate.
Major Lilywhite: Wait. What do you want to know?
Blaine DeBeers: Well, it's obvious there's a leak in my organization. I mean, how else are you finding my zombies? Give me a name, and we'll go the quick route. Scout's honor. Otherwise it is... express train to Zombieland.

Angus DeBeers: [on the television] To my dear friend, Frieda Bader, who has served me loyally for 35 years, I leave $10 million and the Lake Como estate.
Blaine DeBeers: And why not? She only starved your son to punish him for tracking in mud. Gave away his dog when he was caught shoplifting bubblegum.
Frieda Bader: And you still believe that, shedding barking mutt was given away. You never wondered why the rose bush in the south garden grew so fast and full?

Major Lilywhite: I was given a list. Three hundred names, all suspected zombies, all connoisseurs of fake tans, hair dye and hot sauce. My job was to figure out which ones were zombies and which ones weren't, and get rid of the ones that are. I was told that if I didn't do it, they would take out every single person on the list, and they would start with Liv.
Blaine DeBeers: Oh. Who's the 'they'? Let me know who's making you do this.
Major Lilywhite: No.
Blaine DeBeers: You must have a pair on you the size of watermelons.
Major Lilywhite: If I told you, you have no reason to keep me alive. And aren't you a little bit interested to know if you're on their list?
Blaine DeBeers: Maybe a few more hours in the dark will make that quick death more appealing. Close him up. I'm not going to miss you.

Frieda Bader: Still the insolent boy.
Blaine DeBeers: I blame my upbringing. Clearly, I wasn't beaten enough as a child.
Frieda Bader: It remains my greatest regret.
Blaine DeBeers: Really? So you're over losing out to Eva Braun, huh?

Liv Moore: My roommate is dog-sitting her uncle's mini golden doodle.
Major Lilywhite: So cute. The dog, not the uncle.

Drake Holloway: Work called. G-Rad got attacked by a drunk bachelorette. Girl nearly took his eye out with a penis straw. They need me to go down there and cover the door.
Liv Moore: How about dinner tomorrow? I make a mean brain ziti.
Drake Holloway: Yeah. Sounds great. Wait. Is that another lie?

Don Everhart: [Don E. singing] Happy birthday to you, Blaine / I think this gift will make good...
Blaine DeBeers: It's not my birthday, Don E!
Don Everhart: ...Brain!

[Major looks out the window while talking to Blaine at the funeral home]
Blaine DeBeers: Hey. Hey. Hey. It's the FBI, man. They've got a crush on me. They've got it in their head that I'm the Chaos Killer. You're gonna have to leave here the same way you came in, back of a hearse.

[Ravi arrives back to work late with Liv's lunch]
Liv Moore: Lunch is here! Finally. Did you get lost?
Ravi Chakrabarti: I would've been back sooner, but the guy in front of me in line had a mild heart attack. I had to administer CPR, wait for paramedics... He'll survive, but your Kung Pao chicken may be cold.
Liv Moore: [Liv smiles] Then it would be small of me to complain.

Podcast Host: I'm more scared of Rick Moranis as Dark Helmet than Kylo Ren.

Blaine DeBeers: What do you think of my latest business venture? Your girlfriend gives it her old zombie stamp of approval.
Major Lilywhite: Liv doesn't...
Blaine DeBeers: No, she's totally down with me getting my brains from people that don't need them anymore. We're BFF's now. Who else is gonna feed Seattle's zombies? At least until you kill them all, right?
Major Lilywhite: I'm not killing...
Blaine DeBeers: Shhh, the lying to save your life section comes later.

Bartender: Yeah, Corey Carp. But everyone called him Big Fish.
Liv Moore: Because he's a big guy and his name is Carp?
Bartender: [the bartender chuckles] No. Because everything out of his mouth was a lie.
Liv Moore: Ah.
Bartender: A fish story.

Blaine DeBeers: Don E. How soon could you have a grave dug?
Don Everhart: I have plans, actually. [Blaine remains silent] A few hours.
Blaine DeBeers: Well, let's get 'er done.

Liv Moore: It's not a tumor.

Stacey Boss: I'm not disputing that Bonnie and Clyde are like family to you, but the IRS doesn't allow you to claim pit bulls as dependents.
Billy the Chin: But I'm their sole provider.
Stacey Boss: I know, but I always advise my clients to stay on the right side of the law.

Blaine DeBeers: Uh, Major.
Major Lilywhite: Yeah?
Blaine DeBeers: I know where you live. I know where Liv, um, lives. Give me my dad or things are gonna get ugly fast, okay?

[Liv lays in bed thinking about the people who lie]
Liv Moore: [narrating] Everyone lies. It's a coping mechanism. A key survival trait. Show me someone who always tells the truth, and I'll show you a weirdo. But maybe the most dangerous lies are the ones we tell ourselves. That boy you like? The one who gets shot, the one who hangs out with Don E. and Blaine and disappears in the middle of the night. You've never seen his place or met his friends.

Liv Moore: Big Fish saw Terrell bent over Popeye Collier's dead body, blood on his hands. Big Fish could've put Terrell away for murder. That has to be why Terrell killed him.
Clive Babineaux: We should drop back in on Terrell. I can swing by first thing.
Liv Moore: Great. I'll be ready. Oh, and Clive, if you can, pick me up a soy vanilla latte. There's this new study that says caffeine helps stimulate psychic activity. Clive? Clive!

Liv Moore: I'm not palling around with him. One of the weird, um, 'perks', at my job is that I get to know just about every funeral director in the city.
Major Lilywhite: You didn't tell me.
Liv Moore: Yeah, because I thought you would do something unwise with the information. Drop by the grenade store.

Blaine DeBeers: (to Angus) Someone should teach you how to humble brag. People might hate you less.

Blaine DeBeers: I'm gonna need my dad back. God, do I miss that man. [Blaine tries to cry] Nope. Can't do it. You need me to show you a photo, or?
Major Lilywhite: No, I have no doubt which one is your dad. Imperious, fancy dresser, owns a bust of himself.
Blaine DeBeers: [Blaine smiles] That's the guy!

[Major and Chief carry in the body bag to Blaine's frozen dead father]
Blaine DeBeers: I guess someone's gotta make an obligatory popsicle joke, right? No? When did it get so highbrow in here?

[Blaine unzips the body bag to his dead father]
Blaine DeBeers: Oh! They're so cute when they're sleeping.

[Blaine pulls his reanimated father out of the freezer]
Blaine DeBeers: [Blaine made-up to look and sound like an old man] Daddy? You've come back to us. After 50 years of praying, here you are. You missed it all. The Zombie Apocalypse, the Rapture, the Ginger Rapture, the Great Floods of '28 and '44.
Angus DeBeers: Blaine? Is that you?
Blaine DeBeers: Quick! We've got to get you out of here before Dr. Zaiua catches us! You see, winter is coming!

[Liv leaves Drake a voice message]
Liv Moore: Hey, it's me. I thought you were coming over for dinner? Text me so I know you're alive? Unless I'm being ghosted. In which case that would defeat the purpose. Ah, frack!

Major Lilywhite: My handlers don't care which zombie I take out next as long as I make my way steadily down my list.
Blaine DeBeers: And they have you freeze them?
Major Lilywhite: They think I'm killing them.
Blaine DeBeers: Killing sounds easier.
Major Lilywhite: Yeah, except I'm not a murderer.
Blaine DeBeers: I bet you tell that to all the families grieving for their loved ones.

Liv Moore: This pathological liar brain is gonna get me in trouble. I can feel it.
Ravi Chakrabarti: Not with me.
Liv Moore: I'll know the truth when I hear it.
Ravi Chakrabarti: Ahh! I stand corrected.

Blaine DeBeers: You might remember Chief? You had him shot in the face. Oh, and Candy. You tortured her, cut off her fingers. Have fun, you guys. Come find me when he's ready to make a new will. Oh, and avoid the face. We wanna leave him camera-ready.
Angus DeBeers: [Blaine heads upstairs leaving Angus to the zombie Chief and zombie Candy] Blaine. Son!

[last lines]
Major Lilywhite: [Major, Ravi and Liv find the dead body in the open field] Oh! Whoo!
Ravi Chakrabarti: Whoo-hoo! Whoo! Yeah! Yay!

Eternal Sunshine of the Caffeinated Mind[edit]

[first lines]
Ravi Chakrabarti: [Ravi tells Major and Liv what he salvaged from their unburied Utopium bodies] Stomach acid ate through all of the tainted Utopium-filled condoms they swallowed, but luckily, one of them had the good sense to stash these in their prison wallet, allowing me to salvage enough powder...
Major Lilywhite: If not your dignity.
Ravi Chakrabarti: ...to create more cure.

Darcy: 'We must become the change we wish to see in the world.' That's Gandhi.
Ravi Chakrabarti: Your boss is Gandhi?
Darcy: No, the quote is Gandhi.
Ravi Chakrabarti: I know that. Of course I know that. I'm British. That manky old git cost us the crown jewel of our empire.

Clive Babineaux: We're in The Twilight Zone.

Liv Moore: Did you happen to catch her last words?
Ravi Chakrabarti: 'I'll get the pooper-scooper!' Then, ker-splat.

Stacey Boss: You ever play Dungeons & Dragons, Blaine?

Liv Moore: What's your notion of Heaven, Clive?
Clive Babineaux: Just, you know, Heaven-heaven.
Ravi Chakrabarti: Except in "Clive-Heaven" things are a little bit tougher than here on Earth.

Liv Moore: So, what brings you down here on this beautiful morning?
Clive Babineaux: It's raining.
Liv Moore: [Liv with a smile] That's liquid sunshine, my friend. Don't believe me? Ask a farmer. Or a duck.
Ravi Chakrabarti: Or Gene Kelly.

Liv Moore: Very airy, Gary Derryberry.

Major Lilywhite: Now, imagine how put out the guy who invented the polio vaccine must've been. You know, what with all the impatient children dying of polio stacking up.
Ravi Chakrabarti: Jonas Salk is the man's name. Perhaps if he'd score a touchback for the Huskers.
Major Lilywhite: Or a touchdown for the Huskies.

Clive Babineaux: The real estate agent Gary... Derryberry, is meeting us there.
Liv Moore: Gary Derryberry?
Clive Babineaux: [Liv gasps] You know him?
Liv Moore: No, but he sounds like a hoot!

Clive Babineaux: Ma'am, I'm arresting you for breaking and entering.
Pam: Your lips are movin', but it's the system talkin'!

[Liv examines Leslie Morgan's brain and finds a piece of concrete in it]
Liv Moore: [Liv holds up a piece of Leslie's brain] You missed a piece of sidewalk.
Ravi Chakrabarti: Fiber.

Liv Moore: You won't ask a poor orphaned girl for her alibi? Clive would. But not you. You're a softie like me.
Ravi Chakrabarti: You know, I'm offended. I'm just as hard as the next man. Yeah? Be it Clive, or Jason Statham, or Dwayne Johnson. A man so hard, he was once called The Rock.

[Pam sings a song she wrote for her boss Leslie Morgan while at Leslie's memorial service]
Pam: [singing] Leslie, Leslie, I loved you like my bestie / I'm making cappuccinos, roll up like Al Pacino / Leslie, Leslie, Leslie, in peace may you rest-ie.

Ravi Chakrabarti: Bonjour, Darcy I've been at the lab all day, so I didn't really get a chance to primp. So, apologies if my hair looks like I've been driving with my head outside the window of the Millennium Falcon.
Darcy: Is that the new ford? The one for millennials?
Ravi Chakrabarti: [Ravi chuckles] Ford. Well played. Wait, what?
Darcy: Hmm?
Ravi Chakrabarti: Hmm? The millennium falcon. A modified yt-1300 light freighter? Piloted by Han Solo? Played by Harrison Ford in Star Wars.
Darcy: Oh, Star Wars. Right.
Ravi Chakrabarti: [Ravi smiles] Yeah.
Darcy: I've never seen it.
[when Ravi loses all expression in his face]

Liv Moore: Maybe this is God's way of saying, 'Whoa, Seattle, too much coffee.'
Ravi Chakrabarti: Not just any coffee. Positivity has Seattle's best coffee, verified by three straight titles in the local alt weekly reader's poll. Served up by the city's foxiest cashier. That part's simply my opinion.

Stacey Boss: I remember my first. It went so smooth, like filling out a 1040A. Afterwards, I treated myself to a steak. Double cut. Medium rare. It's a nice tradition.

Kenny: [about Blaine] Remember his nickname?
Stacey Boss: No.
Kenny: Chinatown. 'Cause you gave him a corner right in the middle. Of the blue cobras' territory, told him it was his if he could hold it.
Stacey Boss: In Chinatown. Got it. Great story.
Kenny: No. That's not how he got his name. He got it from the way he took the corner. He recruited these two 'roided-up Asian dudes from the gym. And put blue cobra tattoos on 'em. Had 'em grab the beat cop that worked that corner. They sliced open his nostril like Nicholson's. In Chinatown.

Ravi Chakrabarti: Little test here, Liv. Jennifer Lawrence, out of my league?
Liv Moore: She'd be lucky to have you.
Ravi Chakrabarti: Of course she would.

Liv Moore: Oh, look, Clive, they're collecting money to get Pam out of jail.
Darcy: Pam would never hurt Leslie. It's not just me saying that. So is the money in the jar.
Clive Babineaux: The jar is half-empty.
Liv Moore: It's half-full.

Darcy: She made a point of hiring the less-advantaged. So that they could have a second chance. Or even a third chance.
Clive Babineaux: How many chances did Pam get?
Darcy: Lots.

Cher Morgan: Something that body snatcher that replaced my mom after The Beacon Forum never understood. Love makes you stupid.

Clive Babineaux: Pardon my French, Gilbert. Your ass is grass.
Liv Moore: "A work of art is a confession." You know who said that?
Gilbert Lambert: Albert Camus.
Liv Moore: A French literary rock star.
Gilbert Lambert: He was Algerian.
Liv Moore: Of French descent. Work with me.

Drake Holloway: Right, well, if you forgot anything, just haul me in, cold-cock me, and we can talk.
Detective Lou Benedetto: Cold what you?

Stan Mendoza: Seattle's Daily Grind uses the same exact coffee. Same beans, same methods. You know what the difference is? They draw a little flower in the foam.
Liv Moore: I love those flowers!

Stacey Boss: I did. I was a hell of a Dungeon Master. If players screwed up, they did something dumb, they paid the price. But... as they were bleeding out on the battlefield, there was always a Hail Mary. The God call. That 1% chance the God that they worshipped would come down from the heavens, smite their enemies and save them. I suggest you make your God call.

Ravi Chakrabarti: Science is a marathon, not a sprint.

[Liv finds out the true identity of Gilda, punching her in the face]
Liv Moore: [Gilda on the ground] So, Gilda, or Rita, or whatever the hell your name is. How many pictures of Major did I have around the house? Did you hunt him down on Tinder using a phony name? Or... no. You knew he was a trainer. That's how you found him? Those lingerie shots that you sent him when you knew your texts were already tearing me up. Was that part of the fun?
Gilda: I...
Liv Moore: You know what? I don't want to hear your side of it. You're a sick bitch and I just want you out now. Because at midnight, I'm going to hunt down anything you left behind and burn it.

Liv Moore: What a mess. Poor thing. I choose to believe she's in a better place now.
Ravi Chakrabarti: Than under an air conditioner, you mean?
Liv Moore: I'm talking about Shangri-La. The happy hunting grounds. Valhalla. The great coffee shop in the sky.

[Clive questions the coffee employee Pam when finding her in Leslie Morgan's apartment]
Pam: My Boss was murdered. And that woman made me what I am today.
Clive Babineaux: A pot-smokin' break-in artist?
Pam: Hey, that's reductive, man. 'Cause I was here huntin' for clues. I just took a little break for a little pain relief. [Pam smokes more of her weed]

Liv Moore: [narrating] What is it Cher said? 'Love makes you stupid.' With every passing hour, Leslie's impossibly upbeat brain has less control over me, and I'm able to see how naive I am about Drake. Does this mean I'm in love, or does it mean I'm dimwitted? Or is it the fact that even as I get back to my old self, I'm still giddy about him showing up that makes me an idiot?

Darcy: Hi! Welcome to Positivity. What can I get for you this amazing morning?
Clive Babineaux: I'm Detective Babineaux, Seattle P.D.
Liv Moore: I'm Dr. Moore, with the medical examiner's office.
Darcy: Oh, you must know Ravi. He's one of my favorites.
Liv Moore: Isn't he just the best?

[Mr. Boss and his men walk Blaine out to a hole in the night woods]
Blaine DeBeers: Oh, look. A hole. Someone could fall in there.

Blaine DeBeers: I hear you're a procol harum fan.
Stacey Boss: I never cared for that psychedelic pseudo-mystical stuff. More of a British invasion guy.
Blaine DeBeers: Let's go back to my place, man. I'll play you anything you want. Beatles. Stones. Kinks.
Stacey Boss: Your playing days are over, I'm afraid. Lucky u. Sometimes, pointing out the irony almost feels cheap.

[Major and Ravi see New Hope the test rat subject dead in its cage]
Major Lilywhite: It's not like whatever happens to this rat happens to me.
Ravi Chakrabarti: Oh! Hey! Maybe he's grown wings and like super powerful... [when both Major and Ravi find New Hope dead] Balls.

Cher Morgan: Behind all those nutty sayings, She was just the kindest...
Liv Moore: Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.
Cher Morgan: That's exactly the kind of dorky thing she would say.

Stacey Boss: Here we are. Any last words?
Blaine DeBeers: [Blaine smiles] I gave you a run for your money, didn't I?

[Don E. finds zombie-Candy in the basement of the morgue]
Don Everhart: Candy, have you seen Blaine? He's been ignoring my texts all day. He knows I have abandonment issues. [Candy turns around eating on a brain] Oh, damn!

Kenny: I work for Mr. Boss. I believe you have something for me. [Blaine hands him the cash] Fifteen more payments and you're free and clear.
Blaine DeBeers: I'm not sure I ever want it to end. If it means not having these moments together, you know?

Clive Babineaux: Could we speak to your manager?
Darcy: I'm a manager. Everyone who works here is. We're all co-managers.
Liv Moore: Amazing.

[Mr. Boss throws Blaine's body down to the hole in the ground]
Stacey Boss: There's your second-place prize. Well, God? [Mr. Boss waits to see if Blaine has a God call come down and save him, when nothing happens] I think we're good.

[last lines]
Troop Leader: [Blaine crawls out of the ground behind a group of girl scouts during their bird watching] Girls, binoculars up. It's not quite mating season, so we might not see any pairs. But if you keep your eyes open you might get lucky. [Blaine walks up behind the girls half naked] There's one over there. You see it? The yellow belly. No. Look! It flew over there. Three branches down from the top left.
[as the girls scream when they see Blaine covered in dirt walk past them]

He Blinded Me...With Science[edit]

[first lines]
Blaine DeBeers: [Blaine sits on a city bus listening to the music] I am hungry like the wolf.
Bald Man: [the passenger beside him] What?
Blaine DeBeers: The music. Hungry Like The Wolf.
Bald Man: I think that's The Reflex.
Blaine DeBeers: So true. So true.

[Blaine walks into the police morgue]
Blaine DeBeers: [walking in hunched over] Brains! Bra... [when Blaine clears his throat] Kidding. Kind of. I do need brains. You got any?
Ravi Chakrabarti: You've reverted to zombie form?
Blaine DeBeers: Well, if I haven't, things have just gotten... kinky.

Ravi Chakrabarti: Our test rat who reverted back to a zombie. She died.
Blaine DeBeers: Too much for a rat suicide?

Ravi Chakrabarti: Gilda-slash-Rita slept with Major, you found out, confrontation, argue, argue, argue, exit Gilda.
Liv Moore: And I punched her in the face.
Ravi Chakrabarti: You Americans and your violence.

Liv Moore: Vaughn Du Clark. That man is pure evil. I know that at my very core.
Ravi Chakrabarti: Rationalization isn't just a river in Egypt. No. No, wait. That's denial. Never mind. You should be good.

Ravi Chakrabarti: This is an in-case-of-an-emergency break-glass potential cure. Cured the zombie rat, who remains, for the moment, alive. But we have no idea of its long-term effects.
Blaine DeBeers: Like life itself.
Ravi Chakrabarti: I am only giving this untested version to you because of the potential of your death leaving Seattle zombies unfed.
Blaine DeBeers: So it's not the love that dare not speak its name brewing between us?
Ravi Chakrabarti: Reasonably certain.

Major Lilywhite: Have I not been doing a good job?
Vaughn Du Clark: Well, you know what? Let's find out. [Vaughn Du Clark shakes a little black 8 ball on his desk, reading] 'Ask again later.'

Annie Rosine: Look, I won't lie. It was a nightmare. I looked grotesque, my face looked like it was on fire, and, yeah, I wished horrible deaths on everyone involved. But thanks to modern medicine I lost my motivation to murder anyone.

Vaughn Du Clark: Well, we're constantly monitoring hot sauce, hair dye and fake tan spending in the Pacific Northwest. We would not want any zombie-come-latelies crashing our parties. Would we?

Ravi Chakrabarti: Not the way I'd choose to go. Whale ingestion, if you're curious.

Clive Babineaux: How did she get along here? She ever have issues with the other employees?
Vaughn Du Clark: Well, she had issues with me. I had her demoted for failing to deliver results on time. But I don't murder employees over missed deadlines, as a rule.

Ravi Chakrabarti: What does it mean that I find your new look weird and creepy?
Liv Moore: It means that you spend too much time with the dead.

Major Lilywhite: You didn't know?
Vaughn Du Clark: That you were doing the feather bed jig with my daughter? Um, no?
Major Lilywhite: Your...
Vaughn Du Clark: [Vaughn yells out] Daughter!

Gilda: Accounting-wise, we've factored in lawsuits. There'll be violent episodes similar to the frequency we experienced with Max Rager.
Vaughn Du Clark: Only now, these manic episodes will be committed by super-strong, super-fast, tireless Super Max drinkers. Yeah, I got news for you. Everybody's going to be drinking Super Max. The take-away is, the only thing that can take down a bad guy having a Super Max freak out is a good guy chugging a Super Max.

Dr. Lockett: Super Max magnifies the effect of adrenaline exponentially. As long as it's in your system, you have all the strength at your disposal that you might have if your loved one were trapped under a car.
Vaughn Du Clark: Hmm.
Dr. Lockett: These zombies have taught us how to unlock our potential. And I shouldn't need to tell you it's dangerous.

Liv Moore: It's so they don't recognize me at Max Rager.
Ravi Chakrabarti: Well, for the degree I've been creeped out by this, the clues you find by this better be Earth shattering.
Liv Moore: I almost forgot. For that professional look.
Ravi Chakrabarti: [Liv puts on a pair of glasses] Literally the stuff of nightmares.

Vaughn Du Clark: I really should murder somebody, get my tax dollars worth.

Vaughn Du Clark: Energy drink research. We are an energy drink company.
Liv Moore: What, specifically? CNS stimulation cascades? Amino acid recombination chains? Effects on cell integrity stimulated ATP production?
Vaughn Du Clark: I understood very little of that.

Blaine DeBeers: [Blaine startles Major] What's the word? 'Boo?'
Major Lilywhite: This is you? You're a zombie again?
Blaine DeBeers: Yep. Back on the brain gang. Dang.

Boy: She looked like Groot.

Major Lilywhite: I got the impression I might have longer.
Blaine DeBeers: Yeah, I don't think Ravi factored in microchondrial metabolism as an effect of interaction... Whoa. I'm so sorry. This nerd brain I ate is so annoying.

Vaughn Du Clark: You wanna know what's in the basement?
Liv Moore: Yes.
Vaughn Du Clark: Secrets. You know who else has a secret basement? Everyone. Because it's business, and businesses compete by trying to come up with even cooler new things, and you don't want someone trying to copy your new cooler thing before you're done, do you? So you work on it in your secret basement.

Vaughn Du Clark: Dr. Cash? Never heard of her. What makes you think she works here?
Liv Moore: We, uh, we...
Clive Babineaux: We have a source.
Vaughn Du Clark: Source? So, it's not just that you enjoy dropping by every time a homicide is committed in King County?

Don Everhart: I can't believe we're gonna bury this. I'm a natural criminal, I don't see the point in being good.

Liv Moore: [narrating] Drake. Late again. What does it mean? Existing data points. Lateness, standing me up, leaving at odd hours of the night suggest various hypothesis. He's just not that into me, he's got a zombie on the side. Maybe I'm the zombie on the side. What I need is additional data and more detailed observation.

[Vaughn Du Clark's zombie-daughter Rita screams for him outside his office door]
Gilda: Let me in. Dad! Let me in! Dad! [Rita screams and grunts] Let me in! Let me in!

Vaughn Du Clark: Just finished my keynote for Rager-Con '16, and it's not even 10:00. [Vaughn chuckles] Super Max, man. Super Max! I mean, my mental energy is like, it's... It's off the charts. And physically? Forget it. Ask the Air Gaulle flight attendant how many petits morts she morted last night? Go ahead.
Major Lilywhite: Sounds like a personal question for a total stranger.
Vaughn Du Clark: Six! You're welcome! Saved you the embarrassment.

Vaughn Du Clark: So, sweet child of mine, who's always telling Daddy not to sleep with the help.
Gilda: [Rita looks to Major] Really, Major? I didn't figure you for the kiss-and-tell type.

Liv Moore: [narrating] So, Drake does have a job. He's on familiar terms with a crusty bartender. He's known and liked by regulars. He's told people about me. Current hypothesis? Initial data points to Drake being on the level.

Blaine DeBeers: You wouldn't happen to have any clothes I could borrow? Maybe something vaguely redolent of punting on the Thames?
Ravi Chakrabarti: Will that be all?
Blaine DeBeers: You mind calling me an Uber?

[Blaine shows up at the funeral home where Don E. and Chief see that he's a zombie again]
Blaine DeBeers: I should go change before I start writing poems about the moors. I imagine my cheeks could use a little color, as well.

Jenny Rosine: I killed her, Annie. For what she did to you. To us. You know how much Annie got in the settlement? Report says $50,000. Look at her. You think that's fair? To either of us? I wanted to be an archeologist. See the world. Annie wanted to be a television news reporter. Well, good luck, huh? Now I'm Annie's nurse. Someone's gotta do it, go out in the world, get groceries, make it to the drug store. What'd you tell me, once, Annie? You know how the Elephant Man feels.

Liv Moore: A full Romero zombie, Ravi. Dr. Cash had one in captivity. That's gotta be what's in the Max Rager basement.
Ravi Chakrabarti: Wait, how do you know you didn't see a zombie at some cheesy Halloween haunted house? Or on TV?
Liv Moore: In case you haven't noticed, our popular culture is quite inundated with zombies.

Clive Babineaux: More brains? Like the brains Mrs. Suzuki gave us? That we tested? And that came back bovine?
Dale Bozzio: Not these. Too big for a cow. Unless this cow's a genius. Cows are large. But their brains are smaller than ours. You ever met a cow? They're dumb.

Vaughn Du Clark: Okay, impulse. Impulse to incinerate Liv Moore. Oh... [Vaughn groans] Shake it off. Shake it off. Huh.

[last lines]
Drake Holloway: [Drake talks to his mother on the phone] Yeah, Ma. Yeah, Ma. Ma, I gotta go.

Pour Some Sugar, Zombie[edit]

[first lines]
Don Everhart: [Don E. walks into Blaine's funeral office seeing Blaine unconscious in his chair] Blaine? What is your go-to bagpipe player's name again? I know it's Something McSomething, but... Blaine? [Don E. starts to shake Blaine's body] Come on. Come on, man. Wake up. Wake up! Wake up!
Blaine DeBeers: Oh! Hey. What's with the manhandling?

Don Everhart: You were unconscious.
Blaine DeBeers: Most people call that sleeping, Scott E, but way to add the drama.
Don Everhart: It's Don E., Blaine. You just called me Scott E.
Blaine DeBeers: Did I? Oh, in my defense, you do look just like him.

Liv Moore: What is happening over there?
Ravi Chakrabarti: [as Ravi tries to lift up his bottle of beer] I literally can't lift my arms. Why did I get all the boxes of books?
Major Lilywhite: Because you made me carry the furniture all by myself.

Ravi Chakrabarti: [Ravi holds a brain in his hands] Peyton, what a pleasant surprise. If I had known you'd be dropping by, I would've worn my less bloody lab coat.
Peyton Charles: Never visiting you at work again.

Liv Moore: Remember the episode when Ross and Rachel break up because she's a zombie who wants to solve murder cases?
Major Lilywhite: Mmm. That was so us.

Peyton Charles: Anything about Hong Kong suppliers? Or shipment schedules?
Liv Moore: No.
Peyton Charles: Hmm. Cassidy said she knew every criminal thing Nick was involved with. Maybe just start with that.
Liv Moore: I'm gonna start with throwing this frickin' plate across the room if you don't step the hell off.

Peyton Charles: Please, try and rent the apartment across the hall.
Liv Moore: So we can be like the friends from Friends?
Peyton Charles: Oh! Yes!
Ravi Chakrabarti: Fantastic idea! Peyton is Monica-esque. [Ravi looks at Liv] You're clearly a Rachel. Type-A. Relationship drama.

Peyton Charles: Did that dancer just accept a tip with her butt cheeks? That's just... I mean, how does she even know how much he gave her?
Liv Moore: Oh, she knows.

Clive Babineaux: We should wait until she gets off work and follow her.
Liv Moore: Should we sit at the tip rail or do you want to grab a table?
Clive Babineaux: I meant wait in the car.

Peyton Charles: Maybe try closing your eyes. Focus on the phrase, 'Stash house.' 'Stash house.' 'Stash house.' 'Stash house.'
Liv Moore: It's not about focusing, okay? It's not Pop-A-Shot.

Ravi Chakrabarti: [Ravi picks up one high heel] Bad news. One of our eye witnesses is dead... [Ravi picks up the other high heel] ... And the other is not talking.

[Peyton and Liv on stripper-brain pay a visit to the amnesiac Blaine at the funeral home]
Blaine DeBeers: Can I interest you ladies in a cup of decaf java? Organic, fair trade, shade-grown, barely discernible carbon footprint.
Liv Moore: There's going to be a discernible carbon footprint on your ass if you don't cut the crap.

[a detective walks in on Liv at the morgue as she listens to her music]
Liv Moore: [the detective turns off the radio] Gonna lose a hand turning off a girl's music like that.

Liv Moore: [Lorelei crying uncontrollably] Is this chick crying because her granny is finding out she's a stripper? You're being questioned in a murder case because you're a suspect. Oh, my God. It's like a frickin' Adele concert in here. More information. Less tears and snot.
Clive Babineaux: Lorelei, we need to know what happened the night Cassidy was killed. Were you with Nick when he left the club?
Liv Moore: [Liv and Clive leave the room] That was like interrogating a puddle.

Helvetica: Pasty-ass ho.
Liv Moore: You wanna go? I will kick you right back to the trailer park where you used to make out with your uncle.

Clive Babineaux: Nick's our guy. His ankle monitor puts him at the time and place of the murder. We'll use it to track him down and arrest him.
Liv Moore: Why can't they all be this easy?
Ravi Chakrabarti: [Ravi puts his thumbs up] Hooray for dumb criminals.

Peyton Charles: This is how you trigger a vision?
Liv Moore: Yeah. No matter what brain I'm on, I just sit on some strange knuckle-nut's lap and 'Poof,' vision!

Cassidy Kozlowski: But I was all Stand By Your Man and crap.

Ravi Chakrabarti: Uh, I didn't know you were home. I was looking for my nail clippers.
Major Lilywhite: Be honest, man. When I leave the house, you like to try on my clothes just to feel close to me.
Ravi Chakrabarti: Sometimes.

Liv Moore: [to Clive] Holy crap. I think I just willed myself a pizza. This way, pizza boy. Mama wants some pepperoni.

Liv Moore: How do you not have any food in your car?
Clive Babineaux: Because you already ate two granola bars and my emergency almonds.

Liv Moore: (to Clive on the phone) Do I need to get, 'I'll tell you if I have a vision' tattooed on my forehead?

Liv Moore: It's a lap dance. Low mileage. No knee to groin contact. I'm your best friend.
Peyton Charles: Yeah. That's why this is awkward.
Liv Moore: So, with some other girl it would be fine? Wait. Do you not find me attractive?

Peyton Charles: Does it help for me to mention this isn't really you?
Liv Moore: [Liv and Peyton enter the bathroom] Hey! You in the stall! You're gonna flick me in the grill with your cheap-ass wannabe-Ariana-Grande clip-on and then just hide in the bathroom?

Liv Moore: Did that bitch just flick me in the face with her pony tail?
Peyton Charles: I think it was an accident.
Liv Moore: It is on. I'm gonna smack the wet 'n' wild right off her face!

Peyton Charles: What do you want me to say?
Liv Moore: I want you to appreciate how freakin' hot I am.
Peyton Charles: Okay.
Liv Moore: Why do you have to make it all emotional? I have a body, all right? Can't you just think of me as a sexual object?
Peyton Charles: Fine. Whatever. You want to back up that booty, back it up. Let's see what you got.
Liv Moore: Oh, I'll show you what I got.
Peyton Charles: Oh, bring it.
Liv Moore: [Liv dances her butt up to Peyton's face] You know it's still 20 bucks, right?

Drunk Guy: How much for a lap dance? $20?
Peyton Charles: I'm a lawyer.
Drunk Guy: $40?

[Liv sees Blaine for the first time after he loses his memory]
Liv Moore: Does he remember that he's a dick? I can smack him in the head a couple hundred times. See if that shakes something loose
Blaine DeBeers: Do you know me?
Liv Moore: Unfortunately, yeah.

Liv Moore: I'm about to help him to a fistful of, 'Cut the crap' if this doesn't stop.

[Don E. gets Chief to scratch him on the arm to become a zombie]
Don Everhart: [Don E. smiles] Let those bitches try and kill me now.

Cocky Guy: Olivia. I like how your mouth looks when you say that.
Liv Moore: [Liv smiles in the guys lap] Olivia.

Liv Moore: [narrating] There's loyalty and there's being an idiot. Sometimes it looks the same. If you love someone despite what they do, you're lying to yourself. You can't love someone you don't really know. But it sure as hell can feel like you do.

Major Lilywhite: [Ravi confronts Major about being the Chaos Killer after breaking into his safe] Why did you do this?
Ravi Chakrabarti: [Ravi yells] Because I have the right to know if I'm living with a murderer! I should know if my friend is killing people!
Major Lilywhite: I'm not killing people!
Ravi Chakrabarti: What? They're not people? They're zombies? So, what's Liv to you?
Major Lilywhite: Look, you don't understand.
Ravi Chakrabarti: You stalk them, Major. You hurt them and you drugged them, and I'm terrified to find out what you...
Major Lilywhite: Stop! [as Major begins to turn into a zombie rage mode]

Reflections of the Way Liv Used to Be[edit]

[first lines]
Host: [two candidates debate over college radio for student president] Welcome back to Pacific West University Student Radio. Tonight, our two candidates for president for the student senate are taking questions from our listeners. And our first one comes from Jenn K, via Twitter, 'Why should I care about the election?' 'Hashtag, real talk.' Bailey, your response?
Bailey Barker: My first priority is to make the student senate accessible to the student body. As Thomas Payne once said, 'It is not in numbers, but in unity, that our strength lies.'
Brody Johnson: [Brody rebuttals] Ugh. There you go again. First, Jenn, you sound super-hot. 'Hashtag, let's hang out.' As House of Pain once said, 'Get out your seat and jump around.'

[Major wakes up after Ravi was forced to tranquilize him]
Major Lilywhite: What happened?
Ravi Chakrabarti: Let me see, what was it? Oh, yeah, um... I accused you of being the Chaos Killer, you turned into a raging zombie, I tranquilized you. How do you feel?
Major Lilywhite: Honestly? Hungry.

Ravi Chakrabarti: You're the Chaos Killer?
Major Lilywhite: Technically, I'm the 'Chaos Kidnapper.' No one is dead, they're frozen.
Ravi Chakrabarti: In preparation for their long-haul interstellar journey?

Major Lilywhite: Last time I checked, Geppetto, I'm a real boy.

Major Lilywhite: Max Rager knows about zombies. And they know that they are, at least, partly to blame for them. They want to get rid of the evidence. They identify potential zombies through purchases. Okay, so, hot sauce, tanning, hair dye. But there are hundreds of names. They learned that I can detect zombies. So now they have me going down the list taking out anyone who sets off my zombie sense.
Ravi Chakrabarti: Did you consider turning down their offer?
Major Lilywhite: They said they'd murder everyone on the list starting with Liv.
Ravi Chakrabarti: I see. That's a tough first offer.

Don E: We can get your body covered in reminder tattoos like that dude from Memento.

[Clive brings Agent Bozzio a burrito from the taco truck]
Clive Babineaux: Breakfast taco truck was out of Migas, so I got you a vegetarian.
Dale Bozzio: Sweet. What'd you get?
Clive Babineaux: Chorizo on bacon.
[Bozzio silently switches out her burrito with Clive's]

Detective Lou Benedetto: Wanna know what people say about you?
Liv Moore: What?
Detective Lou Benedetto: That you're the real deal. That you'll be running your own morgue before you're 35.

Major Lilywhite: Okay, look, everything I have done has been to protect her.
Ravi Chakrabarti: Not to be funny, but that's what she said.

Clive Babineaux: How did that get there?
Dale Bozzio: For what it's worth, I think you'd make a hell of an FBI agent. Seattle PD doesn't appreciate you. You clear cases like Frank Drebin, but they treat you like Nordberg.

[Blaine walks in the basement of the funeral home and see's Don E. running his own drug trade]
Blaine DeBeers: What is all this?
Don Everhart: None of your concern. We talked about this. Are you starting to lose your short-term memory, too? We can get your body covered in reminder tattoos, like that dude from Memento.

[Major has his first brain shake]
Major Lilywhite: Mmm. Tastes nasty... Oh, but feels great!

Informant: Is it true you're the Serpico of your precinct? The guy nobody likes?
Liv Moore: So true.

Major Lilywhite: [Major singing in the morgue] Oh, what a beautiful morning / Oh, what a beautiful day.
Ravi Chakrabarti: We're inside.
Major Lilywhite: [Major smiling] Well, that is where the warmest rays of light come from, inside.

Liv Moore: I just beat the snot out of one of his goons trying to get answers, but he didn't know anything.
Ravi Chakrabarti: You did what?
Liv Moore: He started it. He... He tried to manhandle me.
Ravi Chakrabarti: So you went Jack Bauer on him? Are you mental?
Liv Moore: Okay, I might need to get off stripper brain.

Ravi Chakrabarti: (to Blaine) Yeah, um... remember how I was telling you about that guy whose life you ruined? You know, how you turned his fiancée into a zombie, then cost him his job, killed a bunch of kids that were close to him, kidnapped him, locked him a freezer and tortured him, before finally stabbing him to death? Yeah, this is him.
Major Lilywhite: Hey.

Liv Moore: Why would he want to kill her?
Frankie: He was running against Bailey for president of the student senate.
Liv Moore: They must really take their student government seriously here.

Ravi Chakrabarti: 'It's a Sicilian message. It means Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.' That's Don Corleone.
Clive Babineaux: No, it wasn't. And it was Clemenza who said that line, anyway.

Liv Moore: I wonder if we would've been friends if we'd met before I became a zombie.
Ravi Chakrabarti: Definitely. Like me for my antidotes, love me for my anecdotes.

Ravi Chakrabarti: Mmm, that smells familiar. Like something I had from Taiwan from a street car in the capital city.
Liv Moore: Taipei.
Ravi Chakrabarti: Ooh, look at you, always with the answers.

Major Lilywhite: I got some hair to dye and some skin to spray-tan. Carpe diem!
Ravi Chakrabarti: [Major taps his heels together to Liv and Ravi before walking out] Can we play hooky and follow him around for the rest of the day?

Brody Johnson: [Brody wraps his arms around Liv] Bro! Bring it in like Flynn! Oh... Mmm, you smell good! You back here down to pound? Wanna go back to the house, play some flip cups, maybe touch bits?
Liv Moore: Not even a little.

Brody Johnson: Oh, the Bailey thing. Two murders in one year. What are the odds? Campaign had to totally switch gears. What do you think? 'Brody Johnson. Your best and only choice.'
Austin: Goosebumps.

[Agent Bozzio and Clive see Blaine walk into the police precinct]
Dale Bozzio: Well, isn't it Blaine-John-DeBeers-McDonough-Deaux-Jingleheimer-Schmidt.

Clive Babineaux: Everything okay?
Liv Moore: Why? Did I do something wrong?
Clive Babineaux: Not exactly, you're the opposite of distracted. Your efficiency is kinda scaring me.

Ravi Chakrabarti: And that about covers it. Oh. You also murdered the fourth man to walk on the moon. One assumes, his brain fetched a tidy sum. And you picked a fight with me once. Don't worry about it, though. I won.
Blaine DeBeers: None of this makes sense, man.
Ravi Chakrabarti: I don't know, I'm scrappy. I've got reach.

Liv Moore: You know that this elevated mood you're experiencing is temporary, right?
Major Lilywhite: [Major rubs Liv's shoulder] Look, let's not worry about tomorrow until we're done enjoying today.
Liv Moore: Okay, but when this everything-is-awesome brain wears off, I want you to know how sorry I am.
Major Lilywhite: [Major puts his hand over Liv's lips] Shh... Love means never having to say you're sorry.

Brody Johnson: Me and Austin were having a D and M. [Liv and Clive remain silent] A deep and meaningful? You know, like when you grab a bottle of whiskey and you just walk and talk about life.
Austin: True story, bro.
Liv Moore: You two went on a walk, that's what you're gonna go with?
Brody Johnson: What's with the tone, bro? You've changed.

Ravi Chakrabarti: I'm not seeing any post-concussion red flags. But if your memory loss persists, you should get an MRI, or a CT scan. Maybe a PET scan. Anything with an acronym, really, just as long as it tests brain function.

[Liv turns in her case work for the Bailey Barker case]
Liv Moore: Idle brains are the devil's workshop.
Clive Babineaux: I think it's 'hands.'
Liv Moore: What did I say?

Peyton Charles: Ah, old Liv. Don't let anyone tell you the girl doesn't know how to party. Because you do. You do know how to party.

Vaughn Du Clark: Did you know that you were conceived at a Santana concert? [as zombie Rita stares at Vaughn Du Clark from her glass cell] Oh, get over it.

Major Lilywhite: Vaughn can be our talking rat. Look, look, I scratch him, turn him into a zombie. We give him the cure. If he doesn't lose his memory, we know Blaine's lying. And if he does lose his memory, well, maybe the upside is he becomes a harmless shell of himself, like Blaine.
Ravi Chakrabarti: I mean, there are some ethical hurdles I need to get my head around...
Major Lilywhite: He's planning on killing Liv and me as soon as I'm done with that zombie list.
Ravi Chakrabarti: Okay, ethical hurdles cleared. I'll go prepare a syringe.

Vaughn Du Clark: [Vaughn Du Clark holds up his Max Rager ad to Rita] What did you do today? Watch TV? Surf the web? Do your laundry? What do you wish you would've done instead? We could all use an extra little kick sometimes. Life's a bitch. This is the slap. Super Max. You're welcome! Live to the Max, Super Max! [the music of the ad kicks in] That's Rob Thomas. I mean, there's something so compelling about the stuff he writes.

Peyton Charles: [Liv wakes up out of her vision] Hey, you're back.
Liv Moore: Yeah, but I gotta go. Sorry about the mess.
Peyton Charles: Okay. But don't eat a new brain, until this is dealt with.

Major Lilywhite: Look, if I take the second cure, and I survive, but I had no idea who you are, no idea who Liv is, if I don't even know who I am, what's the point? I mean, whose life would I be saving?
Ravi Chakrabarti: You know what we need. A talking rat. Then we'll know if Blaine's telling the truth.
Major Lilywhite: Ravi, you magnificent bastard, that's it!
Ravi Chakrabarti: I hope that whatever's got you exciting doesn't require me to build some rat mind-reading device.

Clive Babineaux: We know Bailey threatened to expose your academic fraud. That gives you motive.
Brody Johnson: [Brody looks to Liv] Oh, you think I killed her. Yeah, no. No, I did not. I did not kill her. Bro, come on. It's me. The only thing I've murdered is ass.

[last lines]
Dale Bozzio: [Agent Bozzio arrests Major at the Max Rager corporation] Stop! Turn around! Down on the ground. Hands behind your back. Down. Major Lilywhite, you have the right to remain silent.
[Major lays down on his chest as he starts to go in his zombie rage mode]

Dead Beat[edit]

[first lines]
Liv Moore: [Liv talks to Ravi on the phone while organizing his house] I'm here, Ravi. You were late so I let myself in with the hide-a-key. I did the living room, but I can't tackle the kitchen or the closet until you get back from the store. How bad is traffic? Okay you better hurry, because this Type A brain won't last forever. No, this is all wrong, I need to break this down by genre. Bye.

Dale Bozzio: Questioning. You know how this works. You work for the police.
Ravi Chakrabarti: The people I work with usually don't speak much.

Liv Moore: I can bring you a brain in return in a couple days.
Don Everhart: [Don E. smiles] It's not brain friends, Liv, it's brain business.
Liv Moore: You did hear the part about the apocalypse, didn't you?
Don Everhart: Sure did. That's what's called leverage. I'd think preventing the end of the world is worth 25 grand.

Liv Moore: So, these victims aren't even dead? Major didn't kill them?
Peyton Charles: And he did all this to protect Liv?
Ravi Chakrabarti: Yeah.
Liv Moore: So Drake is still alive?
Ravi Chakrabarti: Frozen and, as discussed, a zombie, but yes...

Dale Bozzio: The bodies. Where are they? [Major remains quiet] Brooding expressions don't show up on tape. Use your words.

Major Lilywhite: You think I killed these people? Why would I? You think I'm some sort of kill-the-rich nut-job?
Dale Bozzio: I don't know. Are you?

Liv Moore: You saved both of our lives.
Ravi Chakrabarti: Maybe we don't report it. And we, uh... We, we smuggle the body out, and dump it in the bay.
Liv Moore: Is that what you do? Dump it in the bay by the cover of darkness?
Ravi Chakrabarti: Wait. No... Right. I'll just turn myself in.

Brant Stone: [Brant Stone chuckles] Detective, I don't even know where to begin. The constitution, maybe? Arresting my client again after he's just been charged? That is textbook cruel and unusual. I mean, look at him. Look at my client. He looks like a... day-old dog dump. No offense.

Clive Babineaux: That's come up a lot. Brains. Missing brains. Brains in people's freezers. Here's my theory. There's some kind of weird brain cult out there. They killed some of your kids, you went after them.
Brant Stone: [Brant Stone chuckles before looking over to Major] Okay, can we just get Jules Verne in here? Because I'm only licensed to practice law in this dimension. What the hell is he talking about? Don't answer that.

Brant Stone: Brant Stone. You can call me Mr. Stone, or Washington State Defense Lawyer of the Year Brant Stone, or don't call me anything at all, since... It'll be me doing most of the talking. This case is Oscar the Grouch's dream house. It's a pile of garbage, okay? A serial murder case with no bodies. Ha! So, best case scenario, I call my good friend Federal Judge Danny Hersh, the ol' Hershey bar, he throws this case into the Puget Sound.
Major Lilywhite: Worst case?
Brant Stone: [Stone whispers] Depends. Did you do it? [Major doesn't answer] Naw, I'm kidding.

Vaughn Du Clark: What can we expect? A new generation of Super Max fueled super-soldiers, making the world's hotspots safe for capitalism, hmm?
Vivan Stoll: Don't worry your pretty head about it. I'll sign over the billion dollar check as soon as I'm sure that the product isn't getting blamed for a certain serial killer's actions. I don't want your dirty laundry becoming my dirty laundry.
Vaughn Du Clark: Always with figurative language, this one.

Dale Bozzio: Your case seems pretty damn solid. Wonder twin powers?
[as the two lock fists together, smiling, imitating explosion noises as they pull fists away]

Dale Bozzio: Tell us where we can find the bodies. Give the victims some closure.
Brant Stone: He can't tell you that. My boy has no idea. And you have 30 hours to either charge him or let him go. Guard! Now if you don't mind, I need to get back to my office and rub ointment on my Shiba Inu's ass, 'cause some breeder sold me a $1000 dog with mange. So, if you're looking for a real criminal to go after... Take my client back to jail.

Ravi Chakrabarti: [Ravi clears his throat] I... actually... wanted to ask you about, a um... video game thing.
Major Lilywhite: Video game?
Ravi Chakrabarti: I'm playing that zombie game we play? And I'm stuck. Um, and I have to get to the, uh, frozen zone... Where everything's frozen.
Major Lilywhite: What game is this?
Ravi Chakrabarti: Zombie... Town?
Major Lilywhite: [Major looks at the guard over his shoulder] Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Zombie Town.
Ravi Chakrabarti: Yeah. I need to find the frozen zombies to beat the level, but I don't know how to get there.
Major Lilywhite: Right. Right. Um, the frozen zone. Okay, what you have to do, is go to the edge of water... world.
Ravi Chakrabarti: Edge of Water World?
Major Lilywhite: Yeah. On 15th. Level. 15th level.

[Blaine looks through his fridge for brains to lend to Liv]
Blaine DeBeers: Brains. Brains. The magical food. The more you eat, the more less brood.

[Liv beats away on her drum instruments while at the apartment]
Liv Moore: [narrating] Okay, so, one mystery solved. Apparently, this brain belonged to a drummer. Just as well, because I pretty much have nothing but nervous energy these days.

Clive Babineaux: Maybe a witness will come forward. I hear the tip line has been filling up.
Dale Bozzio: The tip line crazies? Oh, God...

Liv Moore: You know the so-called Chaos Killer?
Don Everhart: Yeah! They caught the zombie killing son-of-a-bitch!
Liv Moore: Yeah, well. He's a zombie himself. And if he doesn't get out of jail soon, he's going to get his brains the old fashion zombie way. 24 hours later, you'll be the savvy businessmen selling sand in the Sahara.
Don Everhart: Oh, God.

Clive Babineaux: Dale, I... It's hard to explain.
Dale Bozzio: You've got to know you just blew up both of our cases. Your career... You can kiss any hope of getting into the FBI goodbye. Just, why?
Clive Babineaux: New evidence came to light. You know the feeling. He's not the guy. I just... Know it.
Dale Bozzio: [Bozzio tears up] That's the best I'm going to get? You're throwing everything away, your case, your career. Me. Just because? That's all you have? I don't understand. And it looks like I probably never will. [Clive remains silent] Goodbye, Clive.

Liv Moore: Hello, body. Hello, beakers. Hello, bone saw! [Liv answers the phone to talk to Ravi] Hello, Ravi. Yes, I am here, and who knew I'd ever be this excited to be back in a morgue? Yes, the rats are in fine shape, the aneurism hook is looking sharp, the sutures are fresh.

Clive Babineaux: I'm here as a courtesy, Liv. Because we're friends, and things are about to get complicated.
Liv Moore: More complicated than they are now?
Clive Babineaux: My case against Major is solid. We have his DNA at the scene, we have the witness who sold him the guns, we have plausible motive. You are his only alibi. You haven't been deposed yet, but when this gets going, you are going to get hammered hard. It's going to be rough. So what I came here to say is this, think it over. Then think it over again. If there's anything you left out, anything else you want to say, now's the time to come clean.
Liv Moore: Clive, I told you, he was with me.
Clive Babineaux: I'm not here to discuss it. I just wanted to advise you to think about it. As a friend. Goodnight, Liv.

Peyton Charles: And this is, what exactly?
Liv Moore: Chocolate-covered brain nougat. We have to get Major brains by tomorrow morning, or we're in serious trouble.

Brant Stone: [Brant in a weird accent] Quid Pro Quo, Bernice. Silence of the Lambs.
Peyton Charles: I think it's Clarice, but... Okay, Quid Pro Quo.

Major Lilywhite: Liv, look at me. You need to get me the cure. Soon. Very soon.
Liv Moore: Major, I mean about the case, and getting you something decent to eat.
Major Lilywhite: It's too late for that, Liv. All right? It's taking everything to stay myself, and if I'm not myself in here, it'll be bad.
Liv Moore: Major, no. No, we can't. It wipes away your memory, everything...
Major Lilywhite: You have to make a choice, Liv, 'cause we're going to lose me one way or the other, and we both know one way is a lot worse.

Liv Moore: If zombies can feed regularly on human brains they can stay more or less functional. I've been feeding Major from the morgue. If they don't get brains, then yes, it's Dawn of the Dead, 28 Days Later, World War Z. Take your pick.

Liv Moore: Clive, I'm a zombie, too. I got scratched at the Lake Washington boat party massacre. And I turned. Like Major. I keep myself from turning all the way with brains from the morgue. That's where my visions come from, I feel out victim's personalities, I experience their memories. And I'm telling you this now, because Major has been locked up without brains, and he's going to turn. And if he turns, he'll infect everyone in that jail, it will spread out of control. You need to let him out. If you don't, by some time tomorrow, we can be looking at the beginning of the end of the world.
Clive Babineaux: I'm sorry, Liv, but... I don't believe you. I mean, I can't. I mean... You want me... [Liv walks into Clive's kitchen] Liv... Liv, Liv, what are you doing?
Liv Moore: [when Liv stabs herself in the chest with a butcher's knife] Do you believe me now?

[Major receives the chocolate-covered fitness bar from Brant Stone]
Major Lilywhite: [Major takes a bite in disgust] My friend gave you this?
Brant Stone: Yeah. I mean, not that exact one. My Shiba Inu ate the one she gave me. But I got you the same kind. You know, I didn't remember if she gave me Choco-nilla nut or Choco-nilla, so I went with just Choco-nilla, in case of nut allergies. Last thing I need is a lawsuit, am I right? (chuckles)

Liv Moore: Major is a zombie.
Clive Babineaux: Metaphorically?
Liv Moore: Literally.

[last lines]
Liv Moore: [Liv has a vision of the laboratories at Max Rager while on Janko-brain] He's alive! Drake's alive. I just saw your zombies. They're all alive!

Salivation Army[edit]

[first lines]
Major Lilywhite: [Major thanks Liv while beating on imaginary drums in the air] Thanks for letting Ravi and me stay here. I drove by my place, and my front yard is still occupied by reporters and looky-loos.
Liv Moore: I know you're still rolling on drummer brain, but you need to switch to this. Janko brain.

[Vaughn Du Clark sets the zombies free into Major's cell]
Vaughn Du Clark: Dinner is served! Go get 'em, guys! [the zombies stop and grunt at the glass] What's the dealio? Will no one rid me of this meddlesome Jason Priestly-type? Hey! Hey, dummies! There's your first course. Hot cross brains. Right there! [the zombies completely ignore Major when Du Clark suddenly gets it] Oh... Snap. Yeah, I'm arguing with a dead guy.

Blaine DeBeers: [about Peyton] Why would Mr. Boss think I'd endanger myself to save her?
Ravi Chakrabarti: Because, as I understand it, you were, uh, involved with her.
Blaine DeBeers: How deeply?
Ravi Chakrabarti: A merciful God spared me the details.

[Major holds an ax when he opens the elevator door to Vaughn Du Clark inside]
Major Lilywhite: Here's Major!

[Major leaves Vaughn Du Clark trapped in the elevator with raging zombies trying to get in]
Major Lilywhite: I know you're a fan of submarine movies, so I'm sure you'll understand.
Vaughn Du Clark: [Vaughn Du Clark screams] No, no, no, no. No! Ah!
Major Lilywhite: Good luck!
[Major closes the roof to the elevator]

[Clive and Liv find the dead body of Rob Thomas on stage]
Clive Babineaux: Uh, poor Rob Thomas.
Liv Moore: This is how a skull breaks.

[the squad leader of Fillmore-Graves walks in with his team]
Squad Leader: You. Identify yourself?
Clive Babineaux: [Clive holds up his badge] Seattle P.D. Who the hell are you?
Squad Leader: We're the people here to kick ass and take names.

[the zombies in the Max Rager garage chase Major, Liv, and Clive into a single storage room]
Major Lilywhite: This is why I self-park.

Clive Babineaux: I have to call this in. Even though I have no idea how any of this is going to get explained away.
Liv Moore: Super Max. It created a violent chain reaction. Armed guards lost their heads and began firing on rampaging employees.
Clive Babineaux: You think that's really gonna fly?
Liv Moore: You think 'zombie outbreak' has a better chance?

Clive Babineaux: I can't help you with this.
Liv Moore: I would never expect you to. This is a zombie thing.

Vaughn Du Clark: I promise you, one day, years from now, we're gonna be sipping limoncello on the patio of my new Lake Como estate, watching your kids run around, assuming you can still have kids... Whatever, maybe they'll be adopted. Who cares? Anyway, limoncello, frolicking kids and... We're gonna lock eyes across a sundrenched patio and we'll think... [Vaughn Du Clark giggles] 'Remember... That whole crazy secret basement thing?' [Vaughn Du Clark chuckles] 'Oh, how far we've come.'

Tatted Lab Tech: Look at you. The brave one.
Drake Holloway: Why don't you put the cattle prod down? We can have a brave-off. [the lab tech hesitates] Yeah, that's what I thought.

Vaughn Du Clark: The company is selling for more money than I can ever spend over multiple lifetimes. And now, with all these zombie guinea pigs, finding a cure for you will have my full attention.
Gilda: Wow. You're doing all this for me?
Vaughn Du Clark: Yeah, I am.
Gilda: Yet you couldn't hold an elevator door open for three seconds.

Stacey Boss: So, these two have taken over Blaine's business? I want them dead. Extra bloody.
Kenny: You sure? So soon...
Stacey Boss: I won, Kenny. Seattle threw in the towel. I own this city. So, let's take our victory lap.

[Liv and Major look through the Max Rager crowd for someone to help get them in the labs]
Liv Moore: [about the corpse of Janko] We should've taken the damn hand.

[Ravi comes home to find Blaine at his house]
Ravi Chakrabarti: With everything that's going on, I have no business feeling this happy, yet, here I am, feeling... [Ravi sees Blaine in his kitchen] Nauseas.

[Mr. Boss holds up a toy train to his henchman]
Stacey Boss: Here it is, boys. The Great Northern Railway's premiere passenger train, the Empire Builder. When this baby's whistle blows, I might, too.

Prison Screw: Look, man, you cannot tell Mr. Du Clark that I let you in. I'm begging you. Say it was Rob Thomas. You cannot believe the crap that guy gets away with.

[Don E. gets a gun pulled on him by Mr. Boss's henchmen Kenny]
Don Everhart: Just make it quick. One to the head, bam, like Chief there. No throat-slitting, gut shot nonsense. I can't handle pain, man. [Don E. starts to laugh at Kenny shaking] Are your fricking hands shaking? Damn, son.
Kenny: My hand's not shaking!
Don Everhart: Aw, man. Just move close. It'll make it easier to aim. What? Mr. Boss couldn't send a pro? Am I your first?

Clive Babineaux: Major?
Cater Waiter: Uh, Art History. Which is why I'm doing this.

Don Everhart: It would've been so sweet if the DA's office had been able to nail Mr. Boss. Life would be all like... [Don E. strumming happily on his banjo instrument] Instead it's all Ken Burns Civil War-y...
[as Don E. starts strumming a sad war tune]

[Don E. is threatened by Mr. Boss's henchmen Kenny]
Kenny: Now Blaine's dead, and somehow Lucky U is back on the streets. And I'm guessing that he's not the brains behind the operation. Which leaves...
Don Everhart: [Don E. begs for his life] Me? I'm a glorified gopher. I'm no one.

Vaughn Du Clark: So tell me about all the cool stuff your mercenaries will be doing when you pump 'em full of Super Max. They gonna be dodging bullets Keanu Reeves-style, huh?
Vivian Stoll: You know, the thing about private military contractors is that they love gabbing with strangers about what they do.

[Clive leaves Agent Bozzio a voice message]
Clive Babineaux: Hey. It's me again. I have a feeling you're not listening to these messages, but I'm really hoping we can get together and talk, Dale. I wish you could trust I had a good reason to do what I did. Please call me back. I miss you.

Vaughn Du Clark: Oh, cocktails! Perfect timing. Cellblock Mango, or Convicted Melon? Which would you prefer, Viv?
Vivian Stoll: Vian. I only drink liquor that comes out of a barrel. The way God intended.
Vaughn Du Clark: Double-fisted it is, then.

Vaughn Du Clark: Who's ready to have their world rocked? I cannot tell you how much I love this man, okay? His music is ripped from the headlines of my soul. And if his song Real World is not on your cardio playlist, I don't want to know you. Ladies and gentleman, the one, the only, Rob Thomas!

[Major and Liv see Ravi going to bed with Peyton]
Major Lilywhite: I'm guessing we won't be needing this inflatable mattress.

[Blaine returns to Peyton's apartment and finds Ravi knocked out on the ground]
Blaine DeBeers: Hey. What the hell happened? Where's our district attorney friend?
Ravi Chakrabarti: They took Peyton, and pistol whipped me.

Ravi Chakrabarti: Personally, I've been toying with the idea of, uh, becoming a bad boy.
Peyton Charles: Is that right?
Ravi Chakrabarti: Yeah. Start banging my mates' girlfriends, get into strip club fights, tip a few cows.
Peyton Charles: I can't imagine you doing any of that.
Ravi Chakrabarti: Well, you can't imagine good Ravi cow tipping, but bad Ravi? [Ravi scoffs] He'll knock a broad-arse bovine on her side without a second thought.

[Clive, Liv, and Major exchange weapons in the Max Rager garage]
Liv Moore: Let's rock and roll.
Clive Babineaux: Sorry, that's all the firepower I've got.
Major Lilywhite: [Major sees an axe on the wall] There's always 'In case of fire' power.

Stacey Boss: I want Blaine dead. Dead, dead. And when it's done, cut his head off, bring it to me in a hat box. This is Seattle, not Sleepy Hollow.

Stacey Boss: We slit his throat. How in the hell could he still be alive?
Howard: Maybe it was a miracle or something?
Stacey Boss: A miracle? The only miracle is that I'm not asking Kenny to shoot you right now.

[Liv straps the dismembered hand of a lab tech to her belt]
Liv Moore: A massive zombie outbreak means never having to say you're sorry.

[Blaine and Ravi arm themselves with weapons to save Peyton]
Blaine DeBeers: If I go out, it's going to be in a blaze of glory, not by friendly fire.
Ravi Chakrabarti: [Ravi talks serious with Blaine] So you know, I'm squad leader on my Call of Duty World League Challenge Division team. I know what I'm doing.

Clive Babineaux: I'm still processing zombies, and now you're giving me secret labs? Are all the zombies being dangled over a shark tank?
Ravi Chakrabarti: It's a good deal to digest.

Clive Babineaux: No way I'm getting eaten alive.
Liv Moore: There's another option. I could scratch you.
Clive Babineaux: You wanna turn me into one of them?
Liv Moore: Not one of them. One of us.

Ravi Chakrabarti: How are you feeling?
Peyton Charles: Like I let an entire city full of people down. I was contemplating going door to door handing out 'sorry I suck so bad' gift baskets.

[Major shakes Clive's hand for getting him out of prison]
Clive Babineaux: Be like Private Ryan. 'Earn this.'
Major Lilywhite: [Major smiles] That's the plan.

Major Lilywhite: So, it turns out the party at Max Rager tonight is a lock-in, down in an underground parking lot. Prison-themed. Because of their new Super Max drink.
Clive Babineaux: A prison theme? White people.

[Liv, Clive and Major arrive to the dead Rob Thomas party]
Clive Babineaux: Looks like the party's over.
Major Lilywhite: Everyone's dead.
Liv Moore: Or undead. Watch your backs.

Ravi Chakrabarti: So, what? You plan on Weekend At Bernie's-ing a dead Janko through the halls of Max Rager?
Major Lilywhite: Of course not.
Liv Moore: We'll just take his hand.
[Ravi frowns at their decision]

Vivian Stoll: Vivian Stoll, Fillmore-Graves Enterprises.
Clive Babineaux: Clive Babineaux Seattle P.D. This is Olivia Moore from the Medical Examiner's office.
Vivian Stoll: You're gonna be a busy girl.
Major Lilywhite: [Major introduces himself] Major Lilywhite. Personal trainer.

[Blaine and Ravi sit outside Mr. Boss's place]
Blaine DeBeers: I'm scouting around back to see if there's a better plan of attack.
Ravi Chakrabarti: You won't go in without me, right?
Blaine DeBeers: I'm considering using you for a human shield.

Clive Babineaux: We were out of ammo. You got here in the nick of time.
Vivian Stoll: I'm the new owner here. I'm starting to think I overpaid.

[Vivian Stoll saves Liv, Clive, and Major by killing the horde of zombies]
Vivian Stoll: [firing her pistol] Get some! Come on! Get some!
Major Lilywhite: Who the hell is that?

Gilda: Just punch in 876-5309. What can I say? Dad loves the '80s.

[Vaughn Du Clark watches Liv shoot the zombie Drake dead]
Vaughn Du Clark: Dead. Oh, man! She shot him! Okay? Shot him dead! Well, more dead. A couple more deaths, we're gonna be able to change this Lifetime movie into a Greek tragedy.

Clive Babineaux: Liv. Let the brain take over. You're a soldier. You've been trained for this.

Gilda: Did you ever care about me?
Vaughn Du Clark: [Vaughn Du Clark yells at Rita] Do you hear yourself? Do you hear yourself? Making this moment about you! 'Cause I'm the one who stands to lose a billion dollars tonight! Not to mention my reputation! One hundred dead employees, one dead Rob Thomas. I mean, this just looks bad. You think Twitter's gonna be kind?

Gilda: [Rita whining through the glass] Come on, guys. We're all on the same side here. We all hate my dad. We all want to survive the night. We've all seen Major naked.
Clive Babineaux: I haven't seen...
Liv Moore: Do it, Major. She makes one false move, I'll put a bullet in her brain.

[Liv finds Rita in one of the Max Rager cells]
Gilda: Hey, roomie.
Liv Moore: Well, if it isn't the poster child for poetic justice. Did someone have a lab accident?
Gilda: I'm gonna guess, based on that dismembered hand in your belt, that you weren't invited down here.

[last lines]
Vivian Stoll: [Liv sees Vivian Stoll and a group of her Fillmore-Graves soldiers eating the brain of Rob Thomas on stage] Hungry? Come on out here. You ready for the new world order, Olivia Moore? Ready to do your part for your kind?
Liv Moore: I don't know what...
Vivian Stoll: Someday soon, Seattle's gonna be the capital of the zombie homeland, and a lot of people aren't gonna wanna see that happen. So are you with us or against us?

Cast[edit]

External links[edit]

Wikipedia
Wikipedia has an article about: