Jake and Amir
Jake and Amir (2007–2015) are a comedy duo that work for CollegeHumor. In mid-2007, the pair began uploading short improvisational skits online, eventually starting their own blog, Jake And Amir Dot Com. The characters of Jake and Amir are caricatures of their real-life personas, Jake Hurwitz and Amir Blumenfeld.
2007
[edit]June
[edit]- Amir: Mine is a bear. Okay?
- Jake: It's a bear? Where is it?
- Amir: I dunno. In the woods or something?
- Amir: Why are you untying your shoes? That means the joke's over. That means our relationship is over.
- Jake: Honestly, if I [had] thought of a screen name that chill, I wouldn't have told anybody until I had already made it.
- Amir: Did you steal my chill screen name?
- Jake: I'm just trying to pimp out this chill pro' right now.
- Jake: I just got a text message. It's from you.
- Amir: (nods)
- Jake: "180".
- Amir: I dunno. Was it me?
- Jake: Yeah, it was. It says who texts you.
- Amir: Yeah, I mean, sometimes it says "Restricted".
- Jake: Yeah, sometimes if you press the right buttons, it says "Restricted".
- Amir: The joke is never "because 'blank' is gay". That's never the joke. It's not "because 'kite' is gay".
- Jake: It helps. It helps the joke.
- Amir: It's not even part of the joke.
July
[edit]- Jake: I just made up the word "ace" because you always steal my words, and I wanted to see if you would do it. And you did.
- Amir: What?
- Jake: "Ace" isn't real. I just wanted to see if you would steal it.
- Amir: Wow, that's really un-ace of you. I mean, I thought we were gullies, man!
- Jake: Yeah, I made that one up, too.
- Amir: Hey, what's your phone number? I'll put it in, and I'll divide it by two.
- Jake: 545-8992.
- Amir: Slow down.
- Jake: What is it? What does that say?
- Amir: It says "Error"... but I mean, I don't know which one is "divide" all the time.
- Jake: Why on earth would you get two?
- Amir: Because they wouldn't let me get three! Okay? I'm sorry. It's a store policy.
- Jake: I'm not saying two isn't enough. I'm saying two is too many.
- Amir: (nods)
- Jake: I mean, one is too many if you don't know how to use it.
- Amir: "Facebook for College Students". So it's like a Facebook site but just for college kids.
- Jake: That one's not gonna work just because, uh, Facebook already has all the college students on it.
- Amir: Okay, if you don't like something, just say "next" 'cause it's a long list and I don't want to waste your time.
- Amir: This one's actually kind of cool. You step on your laptop, and it weighs you. It tells you how much you weigh, like a scale.
- Jake: Okay, so "next".
- Amir: "Scale.com".
2008
[edit]- Amir: Uh...oh! I totally forgot to tell you, he's so funny.
- Girl: Is he? I love funny guys.
- Amir: He's so nice and funny. Uh, today...no, it's stupid...
- Girl: No! Tell me, tell me. I wanna know. Yea.
- Amir: Today, we were looking at your Facebook profile on his computer, and he was humping the monitor and high-fiving people and cracking up. So funny.
- Girl: [sarcastic] Really? That sounds so funny.
- Amir: You think so?
- Girl: Yea.
- Amir: Oh, let me think of other jokes he did. Oh! He printed out your face super-big, and he cut a hole over the mouth and he and then he started humping it --
- Jake: [to Pat] She actually thinks I'm cute. She likes me.
- Amir: -- and then he cut a hole over the eye and he was humping that too! Going around the office like a cowboy still high-fiving people.
- Girl: That's awesome.
- Amir: Can you see, by the way?
- Girl: Yea. Why?
- Amir: He said he'd fuck you blind. It's so weird that you can still see. We should really go talk to him.
- Girl: Yea, we should! It'll be fun. Let's go! You want to?
- Amir: You want me to lead you there?
- Girl: Yea, let's go!
- Amir: Cuz you're blind.
- Girl: It'll be so much fun!
- Amir: [thumbs up to Jake] Uh, you know my friend, Jake, right?
- Girl: Yea, Jake. I can fuckin' see you, I'm not blind. [slaps Jake and leaves]
- Amir: Wow, that was awesome. My boy's gettin' Frenched tonight!
- Jake: Ace and Jocelyn, Ace and Jocelyn. From Space or whatever. Astronaut accountants. Nah nah nah.
2009
[edit]- Amir: Um, I just got back from the doctor, and he said that I was very sick, actually.
- Jake: Really?
- Amir: Yea, he thinks I may have March MADNESS! FEVER! AND PNEUMONIA!
- Jake: What did you get on your SATs?
- Amir: Sixty.
- Amir: Is it too late to change my Final Four?
- Jake: Uh, no.
- Amir: Okay, good. I wanna make it a Final Six.
- Jake: Oh, it's too late to change the format of the tournament, though.
- Amir: Eh, Sheesh. When was that due?
- Amir: Portland State, no it's not. Cleveland State, no it's not. Utah State, no it's not.
- Jake: That one's a state.
- Amir: Uh, Florida State.
- Jake: Also a state.
- Amir: Sheesh. Okay, Oklahoma?
- Jake: Yep. Ooh, two for five. That sucks. You were- You started out strong, though.
- Amir: I know. I was lucky. I didn't know, I was just guessing.
- Jake: I know.
- Amir: I wanna watch my blanks, though! Blanks, for the wolf! For the epic wolf.
- Amir: [bad Australian accent] Ay, you're watching Jake and Amir, and we filmed this in Spain!
- Jake: Wow.
- Amir: Jake, I am about to say something that's gonna blow your mind. Gimme, like, ten minutes.
- Ten Minutes Later...
- Amir: Ekaj.
- Jake: My name backwards. Clever.
- Jake: I hate ice cream.
- Amir: It tastes like a mouth- It's like a mouth full of buttholes in my mouth. It tastes like acid.
- Jake: I think it's delicious.
- Amir: I think it tastes like delicious acid.
- Jake: It tastes like ass.
- Amir: Yea, it tastes like delicious ass is what I meant.
- Jake: But in a bad way.
- Amir: Yea, in a bad way.
- Amir: You are like a flippflopper and then I can't decide what I like because you are always all over the place.
- Amir: When I steal yours, it makes us better friends because we have the same opinions. I mean, what don't you get?!
- Jake: I don't get why you're being so honest about it.
- Amir: Oh my god, okay, let me formulate my own opinions, right? And then, maybe, if they match, we can possibly be best fr- I MEAN, JUST LISTEN TO MYSELF, IT SOUNDS CRAZY!
- Jake: I hate nuggets.
- Amir: Don't.
- Amir: Oh, by the way, did you see what Jake was wearing today?
- Sam: Uh...wasn't he wearing a cardigan?
- Amir: Uh, I don't know what that is, but he was wearing a sweater with buttons that went down.
- Sam: I don't know what a cardigan is either.
- Amir: So why'd you say it?
- Sam: I was making an educated guess.
- Amir: Well, stop being an educated guest, and start...being...a... So.
- Amir: My parents can drop us off if your parents can pick us up.
- Sam: My parents are not how you say, "alive."
- Amir(Laughing): Oh yeah! I forgot!
- Sam(High-Pitched Voice): They died in a plane crash!
- Amir(High-Pitched Voice): They died in a plane crash!
- Sam(HPV): They died in a plane crash!
- Amir(Normal): They died in a plane crash.
- Sam(Normal): When I was four.
- Amir: You know what sucks?
- Sam(HPV): Think about my parents all the time?
- Sam: Remember that Jake-themed birthday party I threw for you on my birthday?
- Amir: Hi, you're watching Jake and Quincy.
- Jake: That's half right.
- Amir: I'm Jake.
- Jake: So, totally wrong.
- Jake: Put your dick away, man!
- Amir: Okay, it was away. It was in a box.
