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- If my aunt had a male appendage, she'd be my uncle.
- Simmons on CNN, talking about all the "if" posits by the Clinton campaign regarding the rules (If we followed Republican primary rules, if Michigan and Florida were seated, if we looked at the national polls, if we looked at the big states)... So Simmons said "If my aunt had a male appendage, she'd be my uncle," he was saying "if things were different, they'd be different," featured on The Daily Show. 2008-05-08 
- I think nobody really loves America more than black Americans, because black Americans loved America even when America didn’t love us back
- ...Everybody ran around like kids sucking on Pixie Stix having a sugar high. They were so excited, the Republicans. So what happens after your sugar high is you come to the crash. And the crash is where we are now, and people realize that John McCain didn't really know Sarah Palin when he chose her. And now that she's on the ticket, nobody has any real confidence that she's ready to be President.