Just because I'm staring deep into your birth canal does not mean that I'm fucked up. It means you should have paid more attention in high school and I have a dollar. I have four quarters and you have a bad job. Don't get pissed at me because you didn't learn how to type, you no-back-up-plan-having pain in the ass.
Here's the craziest thing about life. This is the thing that nobody really considers: You know as much about what life is all about as anybody who's ever lived, ever. That's the craziest thing about us. We're all just kinda wandering through this, going, "You know what you're doing?" "Yes" "Oh, I do, too. I know what I'm doing." "Okay. Good, then." But really no one has a fucking clue.
Some people don't believe in aliens. I do believe in aliens. But I believe they gave up on people a long time ago. Wouldn't you? I think there's a few liberal aliens out there, still hangin' in,
"Hey, man, I think they're gonna pull it together. I think we should help them; give them more technology."
"No! Every time we do that they blow shit up! Noooo".
We have comic book bad guys. Osama Bin Laden is right out of a fucking comic book. Think about it: He's a billionaire genius...who hates us! He lives in a cave. He used to work for the good guys and got all their secrets, and then he switched over to the dark side. And every time they almost capture him, he mysteriously gets away, and leaves behind a threatening tape. What is this, a fuckin' Stan Lee production?
When women go to see men strip, we never accuse you of hating men.
I was at home the other day, high as giraffe pussy, watching the History Channel and they had this documentary on "In Search of Noah's Ark", and I went "Uhhhhh, how 'bout you go lookin' for the fuckin' Snuffleupagus while you're at it? I heard that dude's a-missin'! You really gonna go? Yeah? Hey, on the way back will you go to Whoville and get me some Green Eggs and Ham? You fucking gullible prick!" Don't get me wrong, if you're religious I'm not saying there's no god, I'm saying; people are full of shit, and that story sucks. Hello? Why do we have to believe it just because it's been around a long time and makes no fucking sense. You tell the story of Noah and the Ark to an eight year old retarded boy - he's gonna have some questions. It's just a bad story! Even if you're really good at telling stories, and you set him down; "Right, Bobby! Once upon a time, God was mad at all the people in the world! And instead of telling everybody what they were doing wrong and offering guidance, he decided to go ahead and drown everyone! And he only told one man - a random man named Noah. Just picked him out of a crowd, he wasn't a special man - in fact Noah was 600 years old and a drunk! Anyway, God told Noah to build a boat, and he and his family would be the only people to survive the flood. Because, apparently, all the people with their boats, their shit didn't work! Noah magically got two of each animal to come to him on foot, from all over the world! And they willingly boarded the boat and got in the cages, and they sailed away for forty days and forty nights and civilisation began anew!" Eight year old retarded boy's gonna be like "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Ohhhhh, there's a lot of holes in that story! Let me sit down for a moment! First of all, how big is this fuckin' boat?! Didn't you tell me there were millions of animals? One guy built this boat, how long d'it take him? Where did he get all of the wooooooood? 600 years, he seem a little old for a fella to be taking on a project of this magnitude! [Grunting noises] The animals come on foot, isn't the earth 24,000 miles long? With three quarters covered with the water?! Wait a minute, what did the animals eat when they were on the boat for forty days, since since animals like to eat other animals! I'M NOT THAT RETARDED!" You motherfucker. "Four people come from Noah, Noah's a white guy, where did all the black people come from?!" I'm all in favour in believing that there's a purpose to life. I just want it to make a little sense, that's all.
That's the scariest thing about life, it's that dumb people are out-breeding smart people at a fucking staggering pace. And nobody ever even talks about it! We all kinda know it's happening, and the real problem is; most of us are dumb. We don't want to admit it, but really, how many of us are really smart? Look, I know I'm stupid. I know. I know I'm stupid, yet I'm smarter than almost everybody I meet! And the real problem with dumb people is, they don't even know they're dumb. That's a part of being dumb, you're not aware! There should be a way to tell, like a home pregnancy test type thing. Some shit you take at home and you lick it and you go "Oh, I'm a fucking idiot! Shit! The fuck is this?! It's broken, gimme another one!" Dudes would never believe it, idiots would have fucking boxes stacked to the ceiling. "LIAR! COCKSUCKER! NO!" The real problem is, most of us are idiots! We just like to think that we're not idiots because we use a bunch of shit that smart people have figured out. But how many of us understand any of that shit? Think about the technological level the world operates on, how many of us really understand that? What if everybody out there died, and we had to take over the world? How well would you think we'd do? [Crowd starts cheering] "Yeah, terrific! We would do awesome!" Yeah, does anybody really know how any of this shit works? [Taps microphone] Why's that loud, any idea? I've been a comedian for sixteen fucking years, I have no idea what's in there! I don't know, some loud shit? I don't know. [Points at spotlight] What makes that bright, bright shit? I don't know. Think about all the stuff you need to run your life. Computers and palm pilots and cell phones, how many of you know how to make any of that shit?! I mean, if I left you alone in the woods with a hatchet, how long before you can send me an email? We are not smart! We buy shit from smart people! I don't have a camera on my phone because I'm smart! If you left me on an island for a fucking million years I could never figure out how to put a camera on a phone! I don't even know what a camera is! I know that I press a button and a picture shows up. What happens between me pressing the button and the picture showing up is anybody's fucking guess! There might be leprechauns with spray paints fucking gremlins up the ass! All I know is "megapixel"! Yeah, you gotta say that to get the good shit. I don't even know what a megapixel is! It's like a noise you make with your mouth. "Megapixel! Ohhh, you're clever! You are clever!" Who knows of people who know that shit? Does anybody know anyone that's invented anything? Who are they? Is anybody watching them? Making sure they're alive? Making sure that somebody mixed kids with them? No! No one's paying attention! I think what's going to happen is that one day smart people are just gonna die and they're gonna leave us with a bunch of shit we don't understand. I think there's gonna be no warning! We're just gonna be sitting around, having a good time, having a couple of drinks, power's just going to shut off. Everybody's gonna get out their lighters "Way to go, you fuckin' idiots! Can't even keep the power on, what the fuck..." And what do you do when the power goes out? I don't know what you do, what I do usually is that I sit around and I wait. Cause I figure "There's a guy fixing that shit. Probably working out it right now..." How long will it take before you figure out all the smart people are dead? It would take years. You would have to run out of batteries, "Dude I don't know how to make a fucking battery, what do we do? SHIT!" "Listen, just get together with a torch, okay? Get a torch, we're all gonna meet in the street and we're all gonna work this out. It's gonna be cool." Standing out in the street with a torch, "What'sup, fag?" "Dude, you know how to get the power on?" "I thought you did!" "No... alright, keep me posted." "You too!" We'd just be sitting in our houses with out torches. That would work. 'Till the animals realise we don't have electricity any more and they start sneaking around, checking shit out. And they realise there's no loud noises to scare them off any more and bears just start grabbing people. [Imitating bear attack]. They just realise we're fat and slow, they don't even have to catch us. They scare us, we'll just black out. It's a matter of time before they start eating us! More evolution! But not me motherfucker, I've got guns! I've got bullets, I'm gonna be fine! ...until I run out of bullets "I don't know how to make a fucking bullet, do you? SHIIIITTTT! Dude, there's bears out there, we don't even have any bullets, what the fuck do we do?!" "Listen man, we're gotta get out of the city, we're sitting ducks. This is what we should do; we should move back into the caves!" People will live in the caves again! "Dude, it's safer in the caves, bro! Just fucking guard the entrance with sharp, pointy sticks!" "GRRRR" "AAHHHH!" We would just get down to a core group of survivors, fighting off the bears. And within one or two generations we would forget EVERYTHING! Trigonometry, calculus, all that shit's gone! Science, the 'net, it's gone! It's never gonna happen again! It would take thousands of years, you would have to reinvent electricity... Within one hundred years would think the world's flat and the sun is seventeen miles away. Just like the people that wrote The Bible, that's what they thought, ain't that funny? "GRRRR" "AAHHHH!" We would just devolve to a core group of survivors and let them re-evolve and re-discover the earth. How crazy would that be? How crazy would a caveman discovering downtown Phoenix be? Just coming out of the cave with his fucking club, with his buddies. "Dude, who fuckin' built all this shit?" "Bro, it had to be aliens!" "FUCK YEAH! Fuck yeah it's aliens! I can't do that, you do that?" "Neither can I! What the fuck?" See, I think this has happened before. I think it explains the pyramids. And yeah, I was reeeallyy high when I thought this up. But it makes sense! If you ever watch a documentary on how they built the pyramids, they have no idea how they made those things. "Well, we believe they used levers", but this is all that you really need to know. They know they're there, so they know somebody made them. But all you need to know about the Great Pyramid of Giza; there's two million, three hundred thousand stones that weigh between two and 80 tonnes - some of them were cut form a quarry that was that was five hundred miles away! No machines, no trucks, no steel, they had copper tools and they were perfectly cut, you couldn't even get a razor blade in between these rocks and they were perfectly aligned, true North, South, East and West. And if you cut and place ten of these monstrous stones a day it would take you six hundred and sixty for fucking years to make one pyramid! All brought to you by people who thought the god Ra took the sun across the sky in a canoe and returned later that evening with the moon. They had sixteen year old queens! Cleopatra was sixteen years old when she was running shit. That's like Lindsay Lohan being Queen of the world! And they built that?! They built that? Are you sure? Are you sure? Okay, because I have another theory. I think people used to be really, really, really fuckin' smart! But the dumb ones just out-fucked the smart ones! That's what I think! I think that we are all the bastard children of the idiot stone workers of Egypt! I think that at one point there was a master race and they were reading each other's minds and they were free of ego and they were totally honest and they were mapping out the cosmos and behind them, the stone workers just fucked away. [Mimics stone workers having sex, and giving birth to a child] "Oh look, he look just like me! That's my fella right there!" They just took over. And one day the smart people just die. There's probably no warning. Just one day the idiots show up at the pyramids "Hello?! Anybody in there?! We're supposed to get our checks on Friday! Hello?! The boy's have got overtime coming! The holidays' just around the corner, have you no heart?" Then eventually they just realise the smart people are all dead. "What do you want to do?" "I think for now we should just move into the pyramids then we'll figure it all out". And that's what they did, they just moved in. Then they just started lying about it. After a couple of generations, "Who built this?" "WE DID! We're the best, we're number one! Egypt! Egypt! Egypt! Look at that beautiful flat wall! That's craftsmanship, son! I think I will draw stick figures on it! [Mimics drawing] "This.. is a woman... she's carrying food upon her head... that's important to document! And this... is a man... but, he has a head of a dog! And he's evil!" You sure they made that? They wrote in stick figures, dude.
[about Fear Factor] Every now and then I'll be right in the middle of it and just go "What the fuck am I doing? There's a girl with a mouthful of animal dicks, and I'm telling her 'you can get more in there', and she's listening to me. That's my job? Oh, my guidance counselor owes me a fucking apology. That dude lacked vision."
[It's] 2006 and pot is still controversial. That's hilarious. Pot's still illegal and no one has a jet pack. What the fuck is going on?! Isn't this Silicon Valley? Where's the jet packs, bitch?! I just wanna go up to everyone making cell phones and say, "Hey, that's small enough. Stop right there. Just keep them working." 72 inch TV? That's plenty big, dude. Just keep them working. No, you'll never get pot and you'll never get a jet pack. And you'll certainly never get the two of them at the same time. Civilization would fucking crumble. Be honest, would you work? 'Cuz I wouldn't work. Who the fuck is gonna show up for work at the mortgage company when you can smoke pot and fly?!
I was raised Catholic. That's why I don't take religion too seriously.
I personally think confession was just someone's idea of a sick joke. One dude came up with it, then he died, and he forgot to tell everyone he was only fuckin' around. Think about the idea of confession...You take a guy who's not allowed to masturbate, or have sex, ever, then you make him wear a costume, then he has to sit in a dark booth, and listen to fuck stories whispered through a hole in the wall!
Guys don't know they're pussy whipped until it's too late. Until you do something that lets you know, like when you shush your friends: "Hey, man, remember that time we went to Vegas and...?" "Dude, shut the fuck up about Vegas! The fuck are you doing?! The window's open, man! She's somewhere in the city!"
No girl wants a secretly gay boyfriend, every dude wants a secretly gay girlfriend.
Nature is everything, okay? We don't like to think that our society is nature, because we created it. But guess what? This is no different than a fuckin' beehive; it's just more complicated, cuz people are smarter than bees. Cities are natural, that's why they're everywhere....You know what's not natural? You...in the middle of the mountains...in the middle of the winter.
[on Dr. Phil] Ladies, please listen to me, don't you ever take relationship advice from a guy you don't wanna fuck, okay? Because let me tell you something: if you don't wanna fuck him, chances are a lot of other girls don't wanna fuck him either; and that guy is gonna say whatever he needs to to make you happy....He says crazy shit. He told this one man that masturbating is just as bad as cheating on his wife. I fucking shit you not! If I had a gun in my hand I woulda Elvis'd that TV.
“We’re all in this, like, constant wrestling match with biology, and the reality of our environment, and the utter ridiculousness of the fucking universe. The whole thing. It’s constantly weighing on you. When I drive home, every fucking time I drive anywhere, at some point in the drive, I’ll roll down the window…and I look up, and I just want to see forever. And I just want to stick my fucking head out, and know that, that this goes on forever, right from here, forever, little perspective shot. Boom. Roll the window back up. None of it makes sense! It's all crazy! And if you’re really paying attention to the whole thing, and pretending that everything’s moving along fine and I’m in this temporary body, with no idea of what’s next, but, that’s okay, I’m gonna raise a bunch of other temporary beings, and we’re gonna fucking drive around, and spend money, which doesn’t even mean anything, because it’s based on confidence, and it’s just ones and zeroes in a databank somewhere, and hopefully no one’s manipulating it! I want to get what I earn! And you just keep going ‘til your fucking heart stops.