Rollo: Well, well... If it isn't MacGuff the crime dog! Back for another test?
Juno: I think the last one was defective. The plus sign looked more like a division sign so I remain unconvinced.
[Rollo pulls the bathroom key out of reach]
Rollo: Third shag today, Mama Bear. Your eggo is preggo, no doubt about it.
Tough Girl: [to Juno] It's really easy to tell. Is your nipples real brown?
Rollo: Yeah. Maybe your little boyfriend's got fuckin mutant sperms. Knocked ya up twice.
Juno: Silencio old man! Look, I just drank my weight in Sunny-D and I gotta go pronto!
Rollo: Well, you know where the lavatory is.
[Juno heads towards the bathroom]
Rollo: [yells] You pay for that pee stick when you're done! Don't think it's yours just cuz ya marked it with your urine!
Rollo: Well fertile Myrtle, what's the prognosis? Minus or plus?
Juno: [taking a pregnancy test] I don't know. It's not seasoned yet. [grabs some candy] I'll take some of these. Nope... There it is. The little pink plus sign is so fuckin unholy.
Rollo: [as Juno shakes the test like a thermometer] That ain't no Etch-a-Sketch. This is one doodle that can't be un-did, homeskillet.
Juno: So, I'm not really sure how I'm gonna spit this out...
Bren: Hon, did you get expelled?
Juno: No. The school would most likely contact you in the event of my expulsion.
Bren: Well I was just asking; it seemed plausible.
Mac: What do you need, a large amount of money? Legal council?
Juno: No, I'm not asking for anything...except for maybe mercy. Like, it would be friggin sweet if no one hit me.
Mac: Well what have you done, Junebug? Did you hit someone with the Previa?
Leah: [to Juno] Dude, I think it's best to just tell 'em.
Juno: I'm pregnant.
Bren: Oh, God.
Juno: But, uh ah, I'm going to give it up for adoption and I already found the perfect couple, they're going to pay for the medical expenses and everything. And in... what, ah... thirty-odd weeks we can just pretend that this never happened.
Mac: You're pregnant?
Juno: I'm sorry. I'm sorry... And if it is any consolation, I have heartburn that is radiating in my knee caps and I haven't taken a dump since Wednesday... morning!
Bren: I didn't even know that you were sexually active.
Juno: I, uh...
Mac: Who is the kid?
Juno: The-the baby? I don't really know much about it other than, I mean, it has fingernails, allegedly.
Bren: Nails, really?
Mac: No, I know I mean who's the father, Juno?
Juno: Umm... It's Paulie Bleeker.
Mac: [in amusement] Paulie Bleeker?
Mac: I didn't think he had it in him!
Leah: I know, right?
Mac: All right, this is no laughing matter.
Juno: No, it's not...and, you know, Paulie is actually great...in, uh...in chair.
Juno: I was thinking I could, like, have this baby, and give it to someone that like totally needs it, like a woman with a bum ovary or a couple of nice lesbos.
Leah: But then you're gonna get, like, huge, and your chest is gonna "milktate," and you're gonna have to, like, tell people that you're pregnant.
Juno: Yeah, but maybe they'll like canonize me for being so selfless.
Leah: Or maybe they'll like totally shit and be really, really mad and not let you graduate or go to Cabo for Spring Break.
Juno: I was gonna go to Gettysburg with Bleeker, anyway.
Leah: You should look at adoption ads. I see them all the time in the PennySaver.
Juno: They have ads for parents?
Leah: Yeah! "Desperately Seeking Spawn." Right next to, like, Terriers and iguanas and used fitness equipment and stuff. It's, like, totally legit.
Mac: And this, of course, is Juno.
Mark: Like the city in Alaska.
Mark: No? [pause] Shall we sit down and get to know one another?
Vanessa: Oh, I thought I would get some drinks. What would anyone like? I have Pellegrino, or Vitamin Water or Orange Juice with folic acid or...
Juno: I'll have a Maker's Mark. Up.
Mac: She's kidding. Junebug has a wonderful sense of humor. Just one of her many genetic gifts.
Juno: Can't we just like kick this old school? You know, like I stick the baby in a basket, send it your way, like Moses and the reeds?
Mark: Technically, that would be kicking it Old Testament.
Ultrasound Technician: Well, there you have it. Would you like to know the sex?
Leah: Pleease, Juno, please!
Juno: No, there will be no sex!
Ultrasound Technician: Planning to be surprised when you deliver?
Juno: Well, no, but I want Mark and Vanessa to be surprised and if you tell me I'll just, like, ruin everything.
Ultrasound Technician: Are Mark and Vanessa your friends at school?
Juno: No, no, no. They're the adoptive parents.
Ultrasound Technician: Oh, well thank goodness for that.
Bren: (outraged) What the hell's that supposed to mean?
Ultrasound Technician: (uncomfortably) I just see a lot of teenage mothers come through here and it's obviously a poisonous environment to raise a baby in.
Juno: How do you know I'm so poisonous? What if these adoptive parents turn out to be, like, evil molesters?
Leah: Or, like, stage parents.
Bren: They could be utterly negligent. Maybe they'll do a far shittier job of raising a kid than my dumbass step-daughter would. Have you considered that?
Ultrasound Technician: I guess not.
Bren: What is your job title exactly?
Ultrasound Technician: I'm an ultrasound technician, ma'am.
Bren: Well, I'm a nail technician and I think we both ought to just stick to what we know.
Ultrasound Technician: Excuse me?
Bren: Oh, you think you're so special because you get to play Picture Pages up there? Well, my five year old daughter could do that and let me tell you, she's not the brightest bulb in the tanning bed. So why don't you go back to night school in Mantino and learn a real trade. (Ultrasound technician awkwardly leaves)
Juno: Bren! You're a dick! I love it!
Vanessa: Your parents are probably wondering where you are.
Juno: Nah, I'm already pregnant, so what other kind of shenanigans could I get into?
Juno: I think I'm in love with you.
Paulie: You mean as friends?
Juno: No, I mean for real. 'Cause you're, like, the coolest person I've ever met — and you don't even have to try, you know...
Paulie: I try really hard, actually.
Juno: You're like naturally smart, and you're not like everyone else. You don't stare at my stomach all the time, you look at my face and every time I see you, the baby starts kicking super hard.
Paulie: It does?
[Juno puts Paulie's hand on her stomach]
Juno: I think it's 'cause my heart starts pounding every time I see you.
Paulie: Mine too.
Juno: That's all I could ask for. You're gold, man.
Paulie: Can we make out now?
Juno: Yeah. [kisses him]
Leah: (seeing them) Hey, you know, you can go into early labor sucking face like that!
[Juno, still kissing Paulie, gives Leah the finger]
The studios are not taking risks. Look at a movie like Knocked Up or Juno. I thought both were funny movies, but what’s the politics of Knocked Up? You get drunk, have sex with a jerk, and the jerk will turn out to be a worthwhile human being and you’ll live happily ever after. That doesn’t happen! And in Juno you’re a high-school girl, you get knocked up, you just dump the baby and everything is fine. It’s like, what are we watching here? [Laughs.] It’s a very strange time.