Kicking & Screaming (2005 film)
Appearance

- For the 1995 comedy film, see Kicking and Screaming (1995 film).
Kicking & Screaming is a 2005 film starring Will Ferrell as Phil Weston, an average man who has had to endure his father Buck's over-competitiveness throughout his childhood. Phil decides to coach his son's recreational soccer team, and soon finds that he's inherited his father's desire to win. description...).
- Directed by Jesse Dylan. Written by Leo Benvenuti and Steve Rudnick.
All his life Phil Weston has dreamed of being on a winning team. Phil... your time has come.
Dialogue
[edit]- Phil Weston: I was born a baby, a blank slate. I thought I was in control of my own destiny, and then I met my dad.
- Buck Weston: You know how hard it's been for me ever since your mom died.
- Phil Weston: She didn't die, she divorced you.
- Buck Weston: Ehh... tomatoes, tomahtoes.
- [A Hummer beats Phil to the last empty parking spot]
- Phil Weston: Hey, uh, you didn't have to take up two spaces.
- Obnoxious Hummer Lady: Actually, I did. Look at the size of this bad boy, huh? [Notices Phil's Prius] That's cute, though, huh? You're saving the environment for all of us. Go hemp! Ha ha!
- Referee: Where do I know you from?
- Phil Weston: I've been your neighbor for the last seven years!
- Referee: No, that ain't it.
- Phil Weston: That's definitely it!
- Referee: I'll figure it out.
- [Phil, Barbara, and Sam arrive at Buck and Janice's home after the game]
- Janice Weston: Hi, you guys!
- Barbara Weston: Hi! [hugs Janice] Hi, Buck. [she kisses him]
- Buck Weston: Hey, look who's here! Two of favorite people and Phil!
- Phil Weston: Very funny, Dad. I've never heard that one before.
- [In Buck's living room after Buck beat Phil at tetherball]
- Phil: Hey, I almost had you!
- Buck: What do you call that again, when you almost win? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah... Losing!
- Ann Hogan: Byong Sun is very shy - this book really helped us to deal with it, so you're probably gonna want to give it a glance.
- Phil Weston: [reading title] "My Child is Shy". Thanks. [pause] I'm sorry, who's your son?
- Donna Jones: Byong Sun.
- Phil Weston: Oh, I see. [pause] Actually, I don't see, I'm sorry. [realizing they are lesbians] Oh wait, now I see! Wow!
- Ann Hogan: We're at all the games, unlike a lot of the other parents.
- Phil Weston: No no, not like the other parents at all! You're better than the other parents.
- Ambrose's Dad: Oh, so they're better?
- Phil Weston: No, they're different.
- Donna Jones: What do you mean "different"?
- Phil Weston: I mean, you're different because you're better.
- Ambrose's Dad: How are they better?
- Phil Weston: You're both better different... in a different but better way!
- Ann Hogan: Uh.. okay. [She and Donna walk away]
- Ambrose's Dad: It's a little early to start playing favorites, Phil.
- Byong Sun: [introducing himself to the team] I am Byong Sun.
- Phil Weston: Hi, Byong Sun.
- Byong Sun: I am a very kind person.
- Phil Weston: Oh, that's sweet! Anything that relates to soccer?
- Byong Sun: No sir.
- Phil Weston: Well, maybe you and Ambrose can team up - he's big and you might form one mega-person. [Ambrose gives him a dirty look] Okay, forget I just said that.
- Phil Weston: Ambrose
- Ambrose: Yeah?
- Phil Weston: I saw a bunch of nonsense out there. What was going through your head out there last week?
- Ambrose: I was breaking my back for you coach because of my love for the game.
- Phil Weston: LIAR! Jack!
- Jack: What?
- Phil: Who are supposed to pass the ball to?
- Jack: The Italians.
- Phil: Right! Alex, when?
- Alex: When I come in contact with the ball.
- Phil: The instant you come in contact with the ball! That's our strategy, it's one of the many plays we've worked out.
- Mark Avery: It's the only play we've worked out.
- Phil: How many sarcastic pills did you take this morning?
- Mark: Coach I'm just trying to--
- Phil: [mocking him] Coach I'm just trying to nuh! Nuh!
- Sam: You gotta lighten up.
- Phil: [referring to Mark] He started it!
- [Ditka shakes his head]
- Ann Hogan: [After Phil reprimands Byong Sun for missing the net on a kick] Ease up on him!
- Phil Weston: You ease up on that corduroy jacket of yours!
- Phil Weston: [Being kicked out of Beantown] What is wrong with you, Derek, I thought we were friends!
- Beantown Employee: My name is Andy!
- Phil Weston: Your name is liar because you're telling lies!
- Phil Weston: [to Barbara] My dad, he's a coach. He knows the game, he's confident, he's smart, witty, dynamic, vicious, brutal, vindictive, a monster! And he will win by intimidation and forceful tactics if need be. I'm not like that. I don't know anyone like that. Do you?
- [Cuts Phil and Mike Ditka meeting inside Ditka's house]
- Mike Ditka: So Paul, what's on your mind?
- Phil Weston: Actually, it's Phil.
- Ditka: You mean it's not Paul?
- Phil Weston: No.
- Ditka: What's the difference? Come on, spit it out. [lights a cigar]
- Phil Weston: Uh, here it is--
- Diana Ditka: Mike?
- Ditka: Hold this. [gives cigar to Phil]
- Ditka: Oh no! No, no! We do not allow smoking in the house!
- Phil Weston: I'm sorry, Mrs. Ditka.
- Ditka: [takes back the cigar] I'll get rid of it, honey.
- [Mrs. Ditka leaves]
- Phil: Anyway I'm coaching my son's soccer team and I didn't know if you'd be willing to help.
- Ditka: [in disbelief] Soccer?
- Phil: Actually I want you to, uh, assistant coach.
- Ditka: [chuckling] Your assistant coach? You really don't know who I am, do you?
- Phil: You're right, silly idea. It's just- I just need some help and you're such a great coach, my dad's gonna be riding me all season--
- Ditka: Whoa-ho-ho-ho, your dad? You mean I get to coach against your dad?
- Phil: Well, yeah.
- Diana: Mike, I smell smoke!
- Ditka: Nobody's smoking!
- Diana: Mike!
- Ditka: For Pete's sake! [to Phil] So, like, it's me and you against your old man?
- Phil: I mean there are other teams--
- [Diana runs back to the room and sees Mike holding a cigar]
- Diana: Got ya!
- Ditka: [to Phil, pointing the cigar at him] No smoking means no smoking!
- Diana: Okay, come on, Phil!
- Ditka: I'll throw this out the window, honey.
- Phil: I'm sorry Mrs. Di- I'm sorry.
- Diana: You should be. [leaves again]
- Phil: It's a nasty, filthy habit.
- Ditka: [to Phil] Hey, you can count me in!
- Phil: Really?
- Ditka: Let's bring your old man down!
- [They shake hands]
- Phil: [at practice the next day] Look who's here! I'll give you a hint - Hall of Fame, Chicago Bears...
- Mark Avery: Sammy Sosa?
- Ditka: C'mon.
- Phil: No, no. Football. Coached the 1986-
- Ditka: [correcting him] '85.
- Phil: Right, '85 Bears to a Super Bowl victory... it's Mike Ditka!
- Mark: Do you know Sammy Sosa?
- Ditka: Hey, zip it, kid! I'm a coach that knows about winning! I'm gonna push you guys, like you've never been pushed before! Some of you are gonna wish I was dead!
- Phil: It's true. I know it's a weird thought but it's true.
- Ditka: I eat quitters for breakfast and I spit out their bones!
- Phil: Delicious!
- Ditka: This is gonna be the hardest thing you've ever done in your whole lives. But when it's over...
- Phil: Don't get emotional...
- Ditka: When it's over...
- Phil: [echoing him] When it's over...
- Ditka: You guys are gonna be champions!
- Phil: Champions!
- Ditka: Now let's get out there and kick some butt!
- Phil: On three, 'let's have fun'
- The Tigers: [all chant] One, two, three, Let's Have Fun!
- Ditka: [to Phil, mocking] 'Let's have fun,' what's that?
- Ditka: [watching the team do push-ups] On the ground, c'mon, give me some push-ups! If you guys were the Bears, I'd fine you each 10 grand apiece. This calls for drastic measures! We're gonna make some changes around here!
- The Generals: [winning team, shouting] Two, four, six, eight! Who do we appreciate?
- Mike Ditka: Hey! Shut up, ya little rats!
- Phil Weston: They're just showing their appreciation.
- Mike Ditka: I don't care about appreciation, I wanna win a soccer game! [throws down his clipboard and walks off]
- [A parent picks it up]
- Parent: Can I have this?
- Phil Weston: Sure.
- Parent: Alllllright!
- Phil: [on stage addressing the crowd of parents at the league banquet] So When I took over for coach Benson...
- Clark: [interrupting] I hear he's a woman now! [the audience laughs]
- Buck: Oooh.
- Phil: Actually uh, truth be told, no one knows where he is right now. A lot of people are... concerned. [the audience laughs again]
- Phil: I don't know why that's funny.
- [The audience applauds]
- Phil: Yeah, I gotta be honest, I didn't plan on speaking tonight. Actually I was hoping my assistant coach would be here..[checks his watch as the crowd starts to murmur. Looks up and sees Ditka has arrived] Ladies and gentlemen I'd like to introduce Mike Ditka! [the crowd cheers wildly as Ditka takes the stage]
- Ditka: Thanks, Paul! Thanks, everybody! Great to be here, Paul's got the Tigers on the move!
- Buck: You live long enough you see everything! Iron Mike on an aluminum field, coaching the Tigers.
- Ditka: I couldn't really hear ya, my Super Bowl ring was making too much noise.
- Ann Hogan: [Asking Ditka for an autograph] Hi, Coach Ditka? I was wondering - my son, Byong Sun, he's really shy, so I was wondering if you could, uh..?
- Ditka: Yeah, sure, be glad to. How do you spell it?
- Ann: Byong Sun. B-Y-...
- Ditka: I think I got it. [hands back the paper]
- Donna Jones: [walking away looking at autograph] Bing-bong?
- Phil: Hi, I'm Phil Weston and this is my son, Sam, and I'm brand new to coffee. So I don't want too much. I was wondering if you could mix half of the regular version with half of the decaffinated version? Or is that too weird a thing?
- Beantown cashier: [to coworker, annoyed] Half-Caff...
- Beantown baristo: Right, Half-Caff.
- Phil: A Half-Caff! [to Sam] We're gonna have a Half-Caff.
- Sam: [to customer] We're gonna have a Half-Caff.
- Beantown Customer: [flatly] Yay.
- Baristo: Half-Caff.
- Phil Thanks. [takes a sip, it's way too hot and drops the coffee] Yowww! Mother of Pearl! That is hot!
- Beantown cashier: [to Phil] You shoulda waited for the jacket.
- Phil: I'm sorry, I got too eager.
- Beantown cashier: 'Nother Half-Caff.
- Beantown baristo: 'Nother Half-Caff.
- [Phil and Ditka enter an Italian deli]
- Ditka: Umberto!
- Umberto: Hey, coach! Don't you worry I got your bratwurst all ready! [showing him the wrapped bratwurst] Huh?
- Ditka: Beautiful, grazie. Are your nephews working today?
- Umberto: Uh, si, in the back.
- Ditka: [to Phil] Go back there, take a look at these guys.
- [Phil walks over to two windowed swing-doors. He peers through one window and sees two young boys kicking a ball of plastic wrap like a soccer ball]
- Ditka: [To Phil] These kids are the right age, and they live in the district. Why not?
- [Phil and Ditka walk back over to the front counter]
- Phil: [to Umberto] Excuse me, mister, your two nephews, would they be interested in playing soccer?
- Umberto: Massimo e Gian Piero? No, they not play soccer. They come here to apprentice me. They have too much to learn. English, meat, too much.
- Phil: So, they don't play soccer at all?
- Massimo: [In Italian] Uncle, why do they want? ("Zio, ma che vuoi?")
- Umberto: [In Italian] They want you to play soccer. ("Eh, giocare a calcio.")
- Gian Piero: [In Italian] Really! Let us play! ("Davvero! Facci giocare!")
- Umberto: Don't look like that to me, please!
- Massimo and Gian Piero: [Begging] [In Italian] Uncle please! Uncle Umberto! ("Per favore Zio! Zio, Umberto!")
- Umberto: [In Italian] No, be quiet. ("No, statti zetto")
- Phil: They play with American kids, they pick up English. A lot of famous athletes have learned English through sports; Sammy Sosa, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, uh.. Leon Spinks, Elvis Costello, Björn Borg, Mark Spitz.
- Ditka: Let the kids have some fun, huh?
- Umberto: Okay! Okay!
- [Massimo and Gian Piero cheer]
- Phil: Great!
- Umberto: But remember; meat first, then soccer!
- Ditka: [to Phil] I told ya, every great thing in life starts with a Brat.
- [Cut to game day the next day]
- Phil: Tigers! Huddle up.
- Ditka: Come on, get in here.
- Phil: I know we're on a five-game losing streak but I've got good news. Umberto!
- [Umberto arrives with Massimo and Gian Piero]
- Phil: We've got two new players joining the team. Guys; Gian Piero and Massimo. Now these boys are from Italy so they don't speak English that well. We're all gonna help them learn. They're apprentice butchers.
- Mark Avery: Could the blacksmiths and candlestick makers not make it?
- Ditka: Shut up.
- Umberto: I come back and pick-up 5:00. [making the two boys recite before leaving] Prima la carne.
- Gian Piero and Massimo: Prima la carne.
- Phil: What?
- Umberto: Meat first!
- Phil: Meat first! Yes, we love meat!
- Umberto: [In Italian] Bye! ("Ciao!")
- Massimo and Gian Piero: [In Italian] Bye, uncle! ("Ciao, Zio")
- Mike Ditka: New game plan - get the ball to the I-talians!
- [Referee's hairpiece falls off; Byong Sun picks it up and puts it on]
- Byong Sun: Look at me! I'm the Ref! I'm the Ref!
- Referee: [chasing him] You little... give it back!
- Phil Weston: [grabs it off Byong Sun and gives back] Sorry about that.
- Bald Soccer Dad: How much do you think those are?
- Phil Weston: I have no idea.
- Phil Weston: [passing out DVDs] These are instructional DVDs. Study them. Watch them. I only watched it once and already I learned this - it's called "Up and Over".
- [he shows them this new kick, nearly wrecking the fireplace]
- Phil Weston: [hears Barbara coming and passes the ball to Mark Avery] Here, hold this.
- Barbara Weston: Guys, I told you, no playing soccer in the house.
- Phil Weston: You did, you said it a lot.
- Barbara Weston: Who did that?
- Phil Weston: [pointing to Mark] He did.
- The Tigers: HE DID!
- Phil Weston: What? Nut'uh!
- Hunter: Kill Phil! [the kids start attacking Phil]
- Connor: Coach, did you order the pizzas yet?
- Phil Weston: In due time, Connor. But in the event the pizzas don't arrive, I have already made the decision that we will eat Byong Sun.
- [Byong Sun backs away from the campfire, freaked out]
- Phil Weston: Alright, we're not gonna eat him.
- Sam Weston: How do you say pizza in Italian?
- Gian Piero: Pizza!
- Sam Weston: How do you say "spaghetti"?
- Gian Piero: Spaghetti!
- Ambrose: Italian's easy.
- Phil Weston: [on park pay phone with Umberto] I'm really getting sick and tired of this 'Meat Comes First' thing!
- Party Guests: [singing] Happy Birthday to you! Happy...
- Phil Weston: Quiet please! Shut up! I'm on the phone and you're not the only ones in the park!
- Mike Ditka: Hey, Phil, I, I, I don't think that's a very good attitude. You can't talk about hurting other players.
- Phil Weston: You don't think? Ya don't think? Well, I don't think you should be buttin' in when I'm talkin' to my team. You're my assistant, OK? You're supposed to back me up and go get me juiceboxes when I tell ya. Now go get me a juicebox.
- Mike Ditka: YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE TALKIN' TO?
- Phil Weston: I'm talkin' to the juicebox guy.
- Mike Ditka: You're crazy!
- Phil Weston: I'm not crazy, I'm just thirsty.
- Mike Ditka: WY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL!
- Phil Weston: No, you go to hell, and while you're there, why don't you grab me a juicebox!
- Mike Ditka: I'M NO JUICEBOX BOY, I'LL TELL YOU THAT!
- Phil Weston: Yes, you are!
- Mike Ditka: No, I'm not!
- Phil Weston: Yes, you are!
- Mike Ditka: No, I'm not!
- Phil Weston: Yes, you are!
- Mike Ditka: No, I'm not! You're like your old man!
- Phil Weston: I'M NOT LIKE MY OLD MAN!
- Mike Ditka: If it weren't for these kids, I would whip your butt!
- Phil Weston: I CAN TAKE A PUNCH!
- Mike Ditka: I'm out of here. Bye-bye. I'll see you, Mr. Big Time Coach. Bye-bye! [walks back to the parking lot]
- Phil Weston: I'M NOT LIKE MY OLD MAN! I'M A KIND AND GENTLE, COMPASSIONATE HUMAN BEING, WITH A HEART AS BIG AS A LION! WE'LL SEE YOU LATER, JUICE BOX! Everyone wave goodbye to juice box. Literally wave! Do it! Parents, too! Everyone waves! [The kids and parents all waive as Ditka drives off]
- Phil Weston: Well, if it isn't "fart-faced" Jones. I can eat a box of cookies tonight. Can you do that? No. Because you're nothin' but a fart-faced kid.
- [kid starts attacking him]
- Phil Weston: [shouts] Get him off me!
- Buck: [watching from across the field] Atta boy, Logan!
- [someone separates Logan and Phil]
- Phil Weston: That's like the little jackal from hell!
- Mark Avery: Hey Buck, remember when we beat you at the championship game?
- Buck Weston: Oh yeah, well remember the time when I shoved that kid into the pool? [kicks him into the swimming pool]
Cast
[edit]- Will Ferrell - Phil Weston (the new coach of the Tigers)
- Robert Duvall - Buck Weston, Phil's father (the coach of the Gladiators)
- Mike Ditka as Himself
- Kate Walsh - Barbara Weston, Phil's wife
- Josh Hutcherson - Bucky Weston, Buck & Janice's son and Phil's younger half-brother (Gladiators #10)
- Steven Anthony Lawrence - Mark Avery (Tigers #5)
- Dylan McLaughlin - Sam Weston, Phil & Barbara's son (former Gladiators #13 later new recruit Tigers #2)
- Jeremy Bergman - Hunter Davidson (Tigers #9)
- Elliott Cho - Byong Sun Hogan-Jones (Tigers #6)
- Dallas McKinney - Connor Ryan (Tigers #1 from Goalie)
- Rachael Harris - Ann Hogan, Byong Sun's adoptive mother
- Dave Herman - Referee
- Musetta Vander - Janice Weston, Buck's 2nd wife and Phil's stepmother
- Laura Kightlinger - Donna Jones, Byong Sun's adoptive other mother
- Erik Walker - Ambrose Hanna (Tigers #4)
- Jim Turner - Jim Davidson "The Captain", Hunter's father
- Francesco Liotti - Gian Piero (new recruit Tigers #7)
- Alessandro Ruggiero - Massimo (new recruit Tigers #11)
- Peter Jason - Clark
- Randall May - Cornell Soccer consultant (uncredited)
- Phill Lewis - John Ryan
- Karly Rothenberg - Jack's Mom
- Alex Borstein - Obnoxious Hummer Lady (uncredited)
- Sammy Fine - Jack Watson
- Timmy Deters - Alex
- Joseph R. Sicari - Umberto
- Stephen Rudrick - Young Ceeb
- Stasi Glenn - Butcher shop employee
- Martin Starr - Beantown customer
External links
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