Kicking & Screaming (2005 film)

I’m no juice box boy, I’ll tell you that!

For the 1995 comedy film, see Kicking and Screaming (1995 film).

Kicking & Screaming is a 2005 film starring Will Ferrell as Phil Weston, an average man who has had to endure his father Buck's over-competitiveness throughout his childhood. Phil decides to coach his son's recreational soccer team, and soon finds that he's inherited his father's desire to win. description...).

Directed by Jesse Dylan. Written by Leo Benvenuti and Steve Rudnick.

All his life Phil Weston has dreamed of being on a winning team. Phil... your time has come.

Dialogue

Phil Weston: I was born a baby, a blank slate. I thought I was in control of my own destiny, and then I met my dad.

---

Buck Weston: You know how hard it's been for me ever since your mom died.

Phil Weston: She didn't die, she divorced you.

Buck Weston: Ehh... tomatoes, tomahtoes.

---

[A Hummer beats Phil to the last empty parking spot]

Phil Weston: Hey, uh, you didn't have to take up two spaces.

Obnoxious Hummer Lady: Actually, I did. Look at the size of this bad boy, huh? [Notices Phil's Prius] That's cute, though, huh? You're saving the environment for all of us. Go hemp! Ha ha!

---

Referee: Where do I know you from?

Phil Weston: I've been your neighbor for the last seven years!

Referee: No, that ain't it.

Phil Weston: That's definitely it!

Referee: I'll figure it out.

---

[Phil, Barbara, and Sam arrive at Buck and Janice's home after the game]

Janice Weston: Hi, you guys!

Barbara Weston: Hi! [hugs Janice] Hi, Buck. [she kisses him]

Buck Weston: Hey, look who's here! Two of favorite people and Phil!

Phil Weston: Very funny, Dad. I've never heard that one before.

---

[In Buck's living room after Buck beat Phil at tetherball]

Phil: Hey, I almost had you!

Buck: What do you call that again, when you almost win? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah... Losing!

---

Ann Hogan: Byong Sun is very shy - this book really helped us to deal with it, so you're probably gonna want to give it a glance.

Phil Weston: [reading title] "My Child is Shy". Thanks. [pause] I'm sorry, who's your son?

Donna Jones: Byong Sun.

Phil Weston: Oh, I see. [pause] Actually, I don't see, I'm sorry. [realizing they are lesbians] Oh wait, now I see! Wow!

Ann Hogan: We're at all the games, unlike a lot of the other parents.

Phil Weston: No no, not like the other parents at all! You're better than the other parents.

Ambrose's Dad: Oh, so they're better?

Phil Weston: No, they're different.

Donna Jones: What do you mean "different"?

Phil Weston: I mean, you're different because you're better.

Ambrose's Dad: How are they better?

Phil Weston: You're both better different... in a different but better way!

Ann Hogan: Uh.. okay. [She and Donna walk away]

Ambrose's Dad: It's a little early to start playing favorites, Phil.

---

Byong Sun: [introducing himself to the team] I am Byong Sun.

Phil Weston: Hi, Byong Sun.

Byong Sun: I am a very kind person.

Phil Weston: Oh, that's sweet! Anything that relates to soccer?

Byong Sun: No sir.

Phil Weston: Well, maybe you and Ambrose can team up - he's big and you might form one mega-person. [Ambrose gives him a dirty look] Okay, forget I just said that.

---

Phil Weston: Ambrose

Ambrose: Yeah?

Phil Weston: I saw a bunch of nonsense out there. What was going through your head out there last week?

Ambrose: I was breaking my back for you coach because of my love for the game.

Phil Weston: LIAR! Jack!

Jack: What?

Phil: Who are supposed to pass the ball to?

Jack: The Italians.

Phil: Right! Alex, when?

Alex: When I come in contact with the ball.

Phil: The instant you come in contact with the ball! That's our strategy, it's one of the many plays we've worked out.

Mark Avery: It's the only play we've worked out.

Phil: How many sarcastic pills did you take this morning?

Mark: Coach I'm just trying to--

Phil: [mocking him] Coach I'm just trying to nuh! Nuh!

Sam: You gotta lighten up.

Phil: [referring to Mark] He started it!

[Ditka shakes his head]

---

Ann Hogan: [After Phil reprimands Byong Sun for missing the net on a kick] Ease up on him!

Phil Weston: You ease up on that corduroy jacket of yours!

---

Phil Weston: [Being kicked out of Beantown] What is wrong with you, Derek, I thought we were friends!

Beantown Employee: My name is Andy!

Phil Weston: Your name is liar because you're telling lies!

---

Phil Weston: [to Barbara] My dad, he's a coach. He knows the game, he's confident, he's smart, witty, dynamic, vicious, brutal, vindictive, a monster! And he will win by intimidation and forceful tactics if need be. I'm not like that. I don't know anyone like that. Do you?

[Cuts Phil and Mike Ditka meeting inside Ditka's house]

Mike Ditka: So Paul, what's on your mind?

Phil Weston: Actually, it's Phil.

Ditka: You mean it's not Paul?

Phil Weston: No.

Ditka: What's the difference? Come on, spit it out. [lights a cigar]

Phil Weston: Uh, here it is--

Diana Ditka: Mike?

Ditka: Hold this. [gives cigar to Phil]

Ditka: Oh no! No, no! We do not allow smoking in the house!

Phil Weston: I'm sorry, Mrs. Ditka.

Ditka: [takes back the cigar] I'll get rid of it, honey.

[Mrs. Ditka leaves]

Phil: Anyway I'm coaching my son's soccer team and I didn't know if you'd be willing to help.

Ditka: [in disbelief] Soccer?

Phil: Actually I want you to, uh, assistant coach.

Ditka: [chuckling] Your assistant coach? You really don't know who I am, do you?

Phil: You're right, silly idea. It's just- I just need some help and you're such a great coach, my dad's gonna be riding me all season--

Ditka: Whoa-ho-ho-ho, your dad? You mean I get to coach against your dad?

Phil: Well, yeah.

Diana: Mike, I smell smoke!

Ditka: Nobody's smoking!

Diana: Mike!

Ditka: For Pete's sake! [to Phil] So, like, it's me and you against your old man?

Phil: I mean there are other teams--

[Diana runs back to the room and sees Mike holding a cigar]

Diana: Got ya!

Ditka: [to Phil, pointing the cigar at him] No smoking means no smoking!

Diana: Okay, come on, Phil!

Ditka: I'll throw this out the window, honey.

Phil: I'm sorry Mrs. Di- I'm sorry.

Diana: You should be. [leaves again]

Phil: It's a nasty, filthy habit.

Ditka: [to Phil] Hey, you can count me in!

Phil: Really?

Ditka: Let's bring your old man down!

[They shake hands]

---

Phil: [at practice the next day] Look who's here! I'll give you a hint - Hall of Fame, Chicago Bears...

Mark Avery: Sammy Sosa?

Ditka: C'mon.

Phil: No, no. Football. Coached the 1986-

Ditka: [correcting him] '85.

Phil: Right, '85 Bears to a Super Bowl victory... it's Mike Ditka!

Mark: Do you know Sammy Sosa?

Ditka: Hey, zip it, kid! I'm a coach that knows about winning! I'm gonna push you guys, like you've never been pushed before! Some of you are gonna wish I was dead!

Phil: It's true. I know it's a weird thought but it's true.

Ditka: I eat quitters for breakfast and I spit out their bones!

Phil: Delicious!

Ditka: This is gonna be the hardest thing you've ever done in your whole lives. But when it's over...

Phil: Don't get emotional...

Ditka: When it's over...

Phil: [echoing him] When it's over...

Ditka: You guys are gonna be champions!

Phil: Champions!

Ditka: Now let's get out there and kick some butt!

Phil: On three, 'let's have fun'

The Tigers: [all chant] One, two, three, Let's Have Fun!

Ditka: [to Phil, mocking] 'Let's have fun,' what's that?

---

Ditka: [watching the team do push-ups] On the ground, c'mon, give me some push-ups! If you guys were the Bears, I'd fine you each 10 grand apiece. This calls for drastic measures! We're gonna make some changes around here!

---

The Generals: [winning team, shouting] Two, four, six, eight! Who do we appreciate?

Mike Ditka: Hey! Shut up, ya little rats!

Phil Weston: They're just showing their appreciation.

Mike Ditka: I don't care about appreciation, I wanna win a soccer game! [throws down his clipboard and walks off]

[A parent picks it up]

Parent: Can I have this?

Phil Weston: Sure.

Parent: Alllllright!

---

Phil: [on stage addressing the crowd of parents at the league banquet] So When I took over for coach Benson...

Clark: [interrupting] I hear he's a woman now! [the audience laughs]

Buck: Oooh.

Phil: Actually uh, truth be told, no one knows where he is right now. A lot of people are... concerned. [the audience laughs again]

Phil: I don't know why that's funny.

[The audience applauds]

Phil: Yeah, I gotta be honest, I didn't plan on speaking tonight. Actually I was hoping my assistant coach would be here..[checks his watch as the crowd starts to murmur. Looks up and sees Ditka has arrived] Ladies and gentlemen I'd like to introduce Mike Ditka! [the crowd cheers wildly as Ditka takes the stage]

Ditka: Thanks, Paul! Thanks, everybody! Great to be here, Paul's got the Tigers on the move!

Buck: You live long enough you see everything! Iron Mike on an aluminum field, coaching the Tigers.

Ditka: I couldn't really hear ya, my Super Bowl ring was making too much noise.

---

Ann Hogan: [Asking Ditka for an autograph] Hi, Coach Ditka? I was wondering - my son, Byong Sun, he's really shy, so I was wondering if you could, uh..?

Ditka: Yeah, sure, be glad to. How do you spell it?

Ann: Byong Sun. B-Y-...

Ditka: I think I got it. [hands back the paper]

Donna Jones: [walking away looking at autograph] Bing-bong?

---

Phil: Hi, I'm Phil Weston and this is my son, Sam, and I'm brand new to coffee. So I don't want too much. I was wondering if you could mix half of the regular version with half of the decaffinated version? Or is that too weird a thing?

Beantown cashier: [to coworker, annoyed] Half-Caff...

Beantown baristo: Right, Half-Caff.

Phil: A Half-Caff! [to Sam] We're gonna have a Half-Caff.

Sam: [to customer] We're gonna have a Half-Caff.

Beantown Customer: [flatly] Yay.

Baristo: Half-Caff.

Phil Thanks. [takes a sip, it's way too hot and drops the coffee] Yowww! Mother of Pearl! That is hot!

Beantown cashier: [to Phil] You shoulda waited for the jacket.

Phil: I'm sorry, I got too eager.

Beantown cashier: 'Nother Half-Caff.

Beantown baristo: 'Nother Half-Caff.

---

[Phil and Ditka enter an Italian deli]

Ditka: Umberto!

Umberto: Hey, coach! Don't you worry I got your bratwurst all ready! [showing him the wrapped bratwurst] Huh?

Ditka: Beautiful, grazie. Are your nephews working today?

Umberto: Uh, si, in the back.

Ditka: [to Phil] Go back there, take a look at these guys.

[Phil walks over to two windowed swing-doors. He peers through one window and sees two young boys kicking a ball of plastic wrap like a soccer ball]

Ditka: [To Phil] These kids are the right age, and they live in the district. Why not?

[Phil and Ditka walk back over to the front counter]

Phil: [to Umberto] Excuse me, mister, your two nephews, would they be interested in playing soccer?

Umberto: Massimo e Gian Piero? No, they not play soccer. They come here to apprentice me. They have too much to learn. English, meat, too much.

Phil: So, they don't play soccer at all?

Massimo: [In Italian] Uncle, why do they want? ("Zio, ma che vuoi?")

Umberto: [In Italian] They want you to play soccer. ("Eh, giocare a calcio.")

Gian Piero: [In Italian] Really! Let us play! ("Davvero! Facci giocare!")

Umberto: Don't look like that to me, please!

Massimo and Gian Piero: [Begging] [In Italian] Uncle please! Uncle Umberto! ("Per favore Zio! Zio, Umberto!")

Umberto: [In Italian] No, be quiet. ("No, statti zetto")

Phil: They play with American kids, they pick up English. A lot of famous athletes have learned English through sports; Sammy Sosa, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, uh.. Leon Spinks, Elvis Costello, Björn Borg, Mark Spitz.

Ditka: Let the kids have some fun, huh?

Umberto: Okay! Okay!

[Massimo and Gian Piero cheer]

Phil: Great!

Umberto: But remember; meat first, then soccer!

Ditka: [to Phil] I told ya, every great thing in life starts with a Brat.

---

[Cut to game day the next day]

Phil: Tigers! Huddle up.

Ditka: Come on, get in here.

Phil: I know we're on a five-game losing streak but I've got good news. Umberto!

[Umberto arrives with Massimo and Gian Piero]

Phil: We've got two new players joining the team. Guys; Gian Piero and Massimo. Now these boys are from Italy so they don't speak English that well. We're all gonna help them learn. They're apprentice butchers.

Mark Avery: Could the blacksmiths and candlestick makers not make it?

Ditka: Shut up.

Umberto: I come back and pick-up 5:00. [making the two boys recite before leaving] Prima la carne.

Gian Piero and Massimo: Prima la carne.

Phil: What?

Umberto: Meat first!

Phil: Meat first! Yes, we love meat!

Umberto: [In Italian] Bye! ("Ciao!")

Massimo and Gian Piero: [In Italian] Bye, uncle! ("Ciao, Zio")

---

Mike Ditka: New game plan - get the ball to the I-talians!

---

[Referee's hairpiece falls off; Byong Sun picks it up and puts it on]

Byong Sun: Look at me! I'm the Ref! I'm the Ref!

Referee: [chasing him] You little... give it back!

Phil Weston: [grabs it off Byong Sun and gives back] Sorry about that.

Bald Soccer Dad: How much do you think those are?

Phil Weston: I have no idea.

---

Phil Weston: [passing out DVDs] These are instructional DVDs. Study them. Watch them. I only watched it once and already I learned this - it's called "Up and Over".

[he shows them this new kick, nearly wrecking the fireplace]

Phil Weston: [hears Barbara coming and passes the ball to Mark Avery] Here, hold this.

Barbara Weston: Guys, I told you, no playing soccer in the house.

Phil Weston: You did, you said it a lot.

Barbara Weston: Who did that?

Phil Weston: [pointing to Mark] He did.

The Tigers: HE DID!

Phil Weston: What? Nut'uh!

Hunter: Kill Phil! [the kids start attacking Phil]

---

Connor: Coach, did you order the pizzas yet?

Phil Weston: In due time, Connor. But in the event the pizzas don't arrive, I have already made the decision that we will eat Byong Sun.

[Byong Sun backs away from the campfire, freaked out]

Phil Weston: Alright, we're not gonna eat him.

---

Sam Weston: How do you say pizza in Italian?

Gian Piero: Pizza!

Sam Weston: How do you say "spaghetti"?

Gian Piero: Spaghetti!

Ambrose: Italian's easy.

---

Phil Weston: [on park pay phone with Umberto] I'm really getting sick and tired of this 'Meat Comes First' thing!

Party Guests: [singing] Happy Birthday to you! Happy...

Phil Weston: Quiet please! Shut up! I'm on the phone and you're not the only ones in the park!

---

Mike Ditka: Hey, Phil, I, I, I don't think that's a very good attitude. You can't talk about hurting other players.

Phil Weston: You don't think? Ya don't think? Well, I don't think you should be buttin' in when I'm talkin' to my team. You're my assistant, OK? You're supposed to back me up and go get me juiceboxes when I tell ya. Now go get me a juicebox.

Mike Ditka: YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE TALKIN' TO?

Phil Weston: I'm talkin' to the juicebox guy.

Mike Ditka: You're crazy!

Phil Weston: I'm not crazy, I'm just thirsty.

Mike Ditka: WY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL!

Phil Weston: No, you go to hell, and while you're there, why don't you grab me a juicebox!

Mike Ditka: I'M NO JUICEBOX BOY, I'LL TELL YOU THAT!

Phil Weston: Yes, you are!

Mike Ditka: No, I'm not!

Phil Weston: Yes, you are!

Mike Ditka: No, I'm not!

Phil Weston: Yes, you are!

Mike Ditka: No, I'm not! You're like your old man!

Phil Weston: I'M NOT LIKE MY OLD MAN!

Mike Ditka: If it weren't for these kids, I would whip your butt!

Phil Weston: I CAN TAKE A PUNCH!

Mike Ditka: I'm out of here. Bye-bye. I'll see you, Mr. Big Time Coach. Bye-bye! [walks back to the parking lot]

Phil Weston: I'M NOT LIKE MY OLD MAN! I'M A KIND AND GENTLE, COMPASSIONATE HUMAN BEING, WITH A HEART AS BIG AS A LION! WE'LL SEE YOU LATER, JUICE BOX! Everyone wave goodbye to juice box. Literally wave! Do it! Parents, too! Everyone waves! [The kids and parents all waive as Ditka drives off]

---

Phil Weston: Well, if it isn't "fart-faced" Jones. I can eat a box of cookies tonight. Can you do that? No. Because you're nothin' but a fart-faced kid.

[kid starts attacking him]

Phil Weston: [shouts] Get him off me!

Buck: [watching from across the field] Atta boy, Logan!

[someone separates Logan and Phil]

Phil Weston: That's like the little jackal from hell!

---

Mark Avery: Hey Buck, remember when we beat you at the championship game?

Buck Weston: Oh yeah, well remember the time when I shoved that kid into the pool? [kicks him into the swimming pool]

Cast

• Will Ferrell - Phil Weston (the new coach of the Tigers)
• Robert Duvall - Buck Weston, Phil's father (the coach of the Gladiators)
• Mike Ditka as Himself
• Kate Walsh - Barbara Weston, Phil's wife
• Josh Hutcherson - Bucky Weston, Buck & Janice's son and Phil's younger half-brother (Gladiators #10)
• Steven Anthony Lawrence - Mark Avery (Tigers #5)
• Dylan McLaughlin - Sam Weston, Phil & Barbara's son (former Gladiators #13 later new recruit Tigers #2)
• Jeremy Bergman - Hunter Davidson (Tigers #9)
• Elliott Cho - Byong Sun Hogan-Jones (Tigers #6)
• Dallas McKinney - Connor Ryan (Tigers #1 from Goalie)
• Rachael Harris - Ann Hogan, Byong Sun's adoptive mother
• Dave Herman - Referee
• Musetta Vander - Janice Weston, Buck's 2nd wife and Phil's stepmother
• Laura Kightlinger - Donna Jones, Byong Sun's adoptive other mother
• Erik Walker - Ambrose Hanna (Tigers #4)
• Jim Turner - Jim Davidson "The Captain", Hunter's father
• Francesco Liotti - Gian Piero (new recruit Tigers #7)
• Alessandro Ruggiero - Massimo (new recruit Tigers #11)
• Peter Jason - Clark
• Randall May - Cornell Soccer consultant (uncredited)
• Phill Lewis - John Ryan
• Karly Rothenberg - Jack's Mom
• Alex Borstein - Obnoxious Hummer Lady (uncredited)
• Sammy Fine - Jack Watson
• Timmy Deters - Alex
• Joseph R. Sicari - Umberto
• Stephen Rudrick - Young Ceeb
• Stasi Glenn - Butcher shop employee
• Martin Starr - Beantown customer