Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal

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Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal is the sixth novel by absurdist author Christopher Moore, published in 2002. In this work the author seeks to fill in the "lost" years of Jesus through the eyes of Jesus' childhood pal, "Levi bar Alphaeus who is called Biff".


  • "Yah, I'm going to take advice from someone who fucks turtles."
  • "The Sin of Onan, the sin that takes hundreds of hours to get right, or at least what I told myself"
  • "He has asked if you would like to feel the power of his manly nakedness"
  • "Smite the sons of bitches Josh!"
  • "Hey Josh, Balthazar sodomizing you?"
  • 'Amid all the musical laments over not having a heart, a brain, or the nerve did anyone notice that they didn't have a penis among them? I'd think it would have shown on the Lion and the Tin Man, and when the Scarecrow had his pants de-stuffed, you don't see a flying monkey waving an arrant straw johnson around anywhere do ya? I think I know what song I'd be singing: 'Oh I would while away the hours/Wanking in the flowers/My heart all full of song/I'd be gilding all the lilies/As I waved about my willy/If only I had a schlong.'"
  • "Verily I say unto you that should a man put oil upon a woman’s naked body and make her go upon all fours and bark like a dog while knowing her, if you know what I mean, then he has committed adultery, and surely if a woman does the same thing right back, well she has jumped on the adultery donkey cart her own self and if a woman should pretend to be a powerful queen and a man a lowly slave boy and if she should call him humiliating names and make him lick upon her body, then surely they have sinned like big dogs and woe onto the man if he pretends to be a powerful queen…"


  • "I really like your concubines. The other night Pillows was giving me a back rub after a long day of studying and I started getting this massive…"
  • "Making someone who is seeking comfort stand out in the cold is a crock of rancid yak butter."


  • "Festering dog penis!"
  • "Pork eating goat fucker!"



  • "I've fucked a thousand women, half again as many boys, some sheep, pigs, a few chickens, and the odd turtle."

Other Quotes
Biff: "Hey Josh, Balthazar sodomizing you?"
Josh: "No!"
Biff: "Vice Versa?"
Josh: "Absolutely not!"

Josh: "Where do you think this guy is leading us?"
Biff: "Probably somewhere where he can murder and kill us."
Josh: "Yeah, at least one of those."

Josh: "What is this thing?"
Gasper: "It's a Yeti. An abominable snowman"
Biff: "This is that what happens when you fuck a sheep?"
Josh: "Not an abomination, abominable."

Talking about Kama Sutra
Biff: "Josh are you sure it doesn't bother you talking about this stuff when you will never be allowed to do it?"
Josh: "No it's interesting. It doesn’t bother you when I talk about heaven does it?"
Biff: "Should it?"
Josh: "Look! A Seagull!"

Joy: "I had really hoped you two would sleep with me tonight."
Biff: "I'd love to, but Josh is still sworn off the muffin"

Coming back from outside after Maggie hit Biff in the shoulder
Jakan: "Levi, have you injured yourself?"
Biff: "No, Jakan, but sometimes I strain a shoulder muscle just shaking this monster off"

Josh: "John's followers will be like babes in the wilderness."
Nathanial: "Thirsty?"
Peter: "Hungry?"
Thomas: "Horny?"
Biff: "No you dumb fucks! Lost! They’ll be lost! Geez…"

External links[edit]