Let's Go to Prison
- Barry: Prepare to be woo-ed, by the master.
- John: Under all the swastikas, he's a real prick.
- John: We should be cellmates. I don't snore, and I'm a quiet masturbator. Hell, I'll even give you the top bunk.
- Nelson: It's okay to cry. Crying takes the sad out of you.
- Nelson: [long silence] So now what do we do?
- John: Hmm?
- John: What do you mean?
- Nelson: What do I mean? I mean, what are we... what are we supposed to *do*?
- John: We're doing it, man. This is it. We're right in the thick of the action. We hang out here, go to lunch, come back, hang out some more, go to dinner... You know how someone might describe a situation that's unpleasant or confining as being, "like a prison"?
- Nelson: [pause] Yeah.
- John: This is what they were referring to.
- Barry: [flirting] Of all the bathroom stalls, in all the correction facilities in all the world, he walks into mine.
- Nelson: [extremely uncomfortable] Haven't you heard the news, Barry?
- Barry: The news? Oh, yeah. Barry finally pitches, Pisces catches, home team wins.
[after the jury have watched a tape of Nelson robbing the drug store]
- Eva: Mr. Hingly?
- Duane: Oh, yeah?
- Eva: You may proceed with your defense.
- Duane: [whispering to Nelson] Watch this.
[Duane walks up to the jury]
- Duane: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. You've all seen Jurassic Park, and yet you are aware that Jeff Goldblum has never actually been attacked by dinosaurs. Even through you've seen it with your own eyes, on a TV not unlike that one.
[Duane points dramatically at the television]
- Duane: I rest my case!
[Nelson looks confused and shocked]
- John: Bwahahah!
[some of the prisoners try to grab Nelson in the shower, but John comes to his rescue]
- John: Hey! He is my property, you dick monster! You got that?
[pushes the one standing closest]
- John: This little philly is all mine! You can look, but not touch! This little asshole only got one name on it! Mine! Romeo! Romeo Lyshitski! No rear entry!
[spanks Nelson in the butt and points at Barry]
- John: That goes for you!
[Barry walks off]
- John: That big bastard is the head of the Black G-Lords.
[Nelson is stiff as a board]
- Nelson: I don't mean to sound ungrateful, John... but did you have to stick your finger up my ass?
- John: Nope, probably not. But it happened.
[dosen't remove his hand before now]
- John: If I had a nickel for every time I've been incarcerated... I'd have $0.15.
- John: Same Lyshitski, different day.
- Barry: Would you like some Merlot? I make it in the toilet!
[Nelson shaking with fear]
- John: Our justice system sucks. You know, there are over 2,000,000 Americans behind bars. That's a little larger than the population of Houston. Every year, there are enough children born in prison to fill 250 Little League teams and enough people are raped in prison to fill a stadium more than three times. Can you picture that? Three stadiums full of people raping each other? I know I can.
- Dax Shepard as John
- Will Arnett as Nelson
- Chi McBride as Barry
- David Koechner as Shanahan
- Dylan Baker as Warden
- Michael Shannon as Lynard
- David Darlow as Judge Biederman
- Bob Odenkirk as Duane
- A. J. Balance as John - 18 years
- Tim Heidecker as wine tester