Married... with Children (season 10)

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Married... with Children (1987–1997) was an American sitcom, airing on the FOX network, about a dysfunctional family living in Chicago.

Guess Who's Coming to Breakfast, Lunch, And Dinner [10.1][edit]

Al: The best way to ruin a heartfelt goodbye party is to stay where you're not wanted.

Peg: You know, I've always wanted a place where I could stretch out and do nothing.
Al: Well, get in the car: I'll take you to the morgue.

A Shoe Room With A View [10.2][edit]

Bud: Mom, I had a horrible day, and I could really use some motherly advice right now.
Peg: Shut up, Bud. Oprah is doing a show on mothers who don't pay attention to their sons.

Al: It's a remote control override. Peg. They're on sale at the Real Man's Shop.
Peg: Well, while you were there, why didn't you pick up a real man?
Al: Don't push it, Peg. It also overrides all of your other handheld electronic devices.
Peg (scared): Even Otis?
Al: Especially Otis.

[Al is trying on shoes for a fat woman named Matilda.]
Matilda: I don't understand, I was a size six before Aerobic class. All that jumping must've expanded my foot.
Al: And I see you must've fallen on your butt a time or two.
Matilda:[Picks up her sneakers] How dare you say that to my face?
Al: Well, I'd say it to your back, but my car's only got half a tank of gas!

Requiem For A Dead Briard [10.3][edit]

Peg: And to think I could've had any man on the football team.
Al: Peg, you had them all.

Kelly: Let's call him Lucky. Lucky Bundy.
Al: I was saving that name for my tombstone.

Reverend Al [10.4][edit]

Kelly: You know what I'd do if my lover lost interest in me?
Bud: Sleep with his parole officer?

Jefferson: Like all other religions, we have a sacred obligation to make a lot of money and open our own theme park.

How Bleen Was My Kelly [10.5][edit]

Bud: I've put all the family finances right here on this computer.
Al: You put something I don't have into something I don't understand.
Peg: You know, that reminds me of our sex life.
Al: That's putting something I have into something I don't like.

Kelly: Mom, Dad, Bud: you will never guess what I got.
Bud: A better game would be guess what you haven't got. I'll take Virginity for $100.
Kelly: Well, that's funny. Nobody will take yours for less than $1000.

The Weaker Sex [10.6][edit]

Al: When I felt that hairy hand go in my pocket, I naturally assumed it was Peg.

Jefferson: I think I got a way to put an end to all of this.
Al: Well, if you got the tailpipe, I got the lips.

Flight Of The Bumblebee[10.7][edit]

Al: Wow, we must have gone back in time 'cause I'm experiencing déjà moo.

Peg: Now, that is a real man, not some high school football hero who got married and turned to mush.
Al: Well, I guess it's true what they say: you are what you marry.
Griff: That'd make me a ho.

Blonde and Blonder [10.8][edit]

Marcy: What's Mr. Potato Head doing here?
Al (referring to Jefferson): Well, I don't know. You married him.
Marcy: Not that Mr. Potato Head. The one that's actually worth something.

Eric: It's amazing how your looks can improve with nice clothes, contacts and $10,000,000.

Kelly (as she's freezing on the roof of a building): Oh look, it's a bird, it's a plane, ... it's Mr Potato Head?

The Two That Got Away [10.9][edit]

Al: Nothing drowns your sorrows like a three-day binge at the Nudie Bar.

Al: I would like to start with a genuine picture of the Loch Ness Monster.
Jefferson: My God, Al, that's horrific. What the hell is it?
Al: A picture of Peg's mom in the bathtub.

Dud Bowl II [10.10][edit]

Al: Why are you doing this to me, Marcy?
Marcy: Because God's on vacation and He wants me to fill in.

Al: When a Bundy doesn't get what's rightfully his, he makes sure that no one gets it either.

Bearly Men [10.11][edit]

Al: Hey, Peg, you know what I was dreaming about at work today?
Peg: Me, Al?
Al: Yes, Peg.
Peg: Was I in bed?
Al: Yes you were. In fact, I tied you up.
Peg: Ooh, well, that sounds so kinky, Al. What were you doing?
Al: Cindy Crawford.

Al: Peg, I'm telling you, me and the floor boards can't take any more of her.

Love Conquers Al [10.12][edit]

Al: What could be bigger than your mother? In captivity, that is.

Carlos: Where is your father, the village shoesmith?
Kelly: He's with my mother, the village shopper, and my grandma, the village.

I Can't Believe It's Butter [10.13][edit]

Al: Hey, Griff, Where's your Christmas spirit?
Griff: My ex-wife got it in the divorce settlement.

Al: I want you to get back on that phone and do what you do best: shatter dreams.

[A fat woman named Matilda returns.]
Matilda: Excuse me, do you have pumps in my size?
Al: Yes I do, but the Society For the Prevention of Cruelty to Shoes would not allow me to sell them to you.
Matilda: I hope you get coal in your stocking on Christmas morning.
Al: And I hope you get Slim Fast in yours.

The Hood, The Bud, And The Kelly (1)[10.14][edit]

The Hood, The Bud, And The Kelly (2)[10.15][edit]

(Al and the NO MA'AM group are up on his roof assembling a satellite dish)
Jefferson: (reading the assembly instructions) Let's see here. I've got Bracket S and Washer T. Hey, Dan. Hand me Screw U.
Officer Dan: What?
Jefferson: I said Screw U.
Officer Dan: (angry) Well, up yours, you-! (draws his gun on Jefferson)
Al: (stepping between them) Focus, gentlemen! Focus, focus!

Calendar Girl [10.16][edit]

Al: When did you leave?
Peg: Yesterday.
Al: No wonder the sex was good then last night.

Babcock: How dare you take my name, little Floyd? From this moment forth I shall refer to you only as Little.
Floyd: That's funny; that's how Mom refers to you.

Agony and the Extra C [10.17][edit]

Doctor: Bad news, Mr. D'Arcy. I'm afraid we're gonna have to operate. You do have insurance, don't you?
Jefferson: Yes.
Doctor: Well, then, we will be using anesthesia.

Al: Come on, Jefferson, it's just us, some beer, and some Mexican strippers. What could happen?

[After listening to Kelly's dim-witted comments]
O'Malley: Nurse, I need a Q-Tip and a hammer.

Jefferson: So the tattoo on my but said "I Love M-A-R-Y".
Kelly: So What? M-A-R-Y. Marcy.
Bud: There's a C in Marcy.
Kelly: M-A-R-Y-C? Oh yeah, the C is silent.

(As Harris the drunk tattoo artist is trying to draw a "C" so he can fix Jefferson's tattoo)

Al: Come on, Harris, for God's sake. Just make the "C". How tough can it be?
Harris (trembling from delirium tremens): I need a shot.
Al (threatens to punch him): I'll give you a shot!

Griff: That doesn't look like a "C"!
Harris (drunkenly): Lay off, will ya? (tries not to belch): "C"'s a tough letter.
Al: When your blood has more alcohol than plasma, they're all tough letters.

Spring Break (1) [10.18][edit]

Dan: Call it in the air.
Kelly: It's a coin.
Dan: You win.

Kelly: I'm an actress, I don't know if I can go parading around a bunch of strangers I haven't slept with yet.

Spring Break (2) [10.19][edit]

Turning Japanese [10.20][edit]

Al: Marcy, me and that Dodge have been together a long time.
Marcy: So have you and your hair and you got rid of that.

Marcy: Please Al, my job is on the line.
Al: Oh, well that changes nothing.

Al Goes To The Dogs [10.21][edit]

Kelly: What do you think?
Bud: You no longer look like a North American slut, you look like a South American slut.
Kelly: That's exactly the look I was going for.

Enemies [10.22][edit]

Bud: Can we please watch something else, this is a rerun.
Kelly: No it's not, I've seen this one a million times.

Bud Hits The Books [10.23][edit]

Marcy: Allow me to quote from your official student handbook "Abstinence Saves Lives." And what guarantees abstinence better than self-love? Constant, never-ending self-love? I ask you to look at this young man. Would you rather he do what he did or be out there breeding?

Al: I think I may have been a little too harsh on my son. After all, the only thing he really did wrong was go in the library in the first place. The rest was totally understandable. I mean, we men have our needs. It's women who tell us these things are wrong. And why? Because they want to take away the only good sex we have.

Kiss Of The Coffee Woman [10.24][edit]

Bud: If I was a hot young chick, I couldn't keep my hands off myself.
Kelly: Well, I guess that makes you a hot young chick.

Marcy: Jefferson, can I have a word with you in our own kitchen by the recently sharpened knives?

Al: Hey, what's the bed for?
Director: Come on, Mr. Bundy! You're a married man.
Al: What's the bed for?

Torch Song Duet [10.25][edit]

Kelly: Daddy, wanna know what I think?
Al: Oh, this should be good.
Kelly: Now, like a great eastern religion says, it's all about striking a balance between the ping and the pong.
Al: Go get my noose, boy.

Kelly: Oh, Daddy you're so good. I'm sure in your next life you're gonna be re-incarcerated.

The Joke's On Al [10.26][edit]

Kelly: [answering machine message] Hi, you've reached Kelly. Please leave a message at the tone. If you're a girl calling for Bud: Hi, Mom.

[Jefferson has just came into the Bundy house with sweats on, covering a toilet seat stuck to butt.]
Jefferson: Mark my words, Al. As soon as I can sit down and think of something, you will pay.
[Al, Bud and Kelly laugh at Jefferson as he tries to exit the Bundy home.]