Married... with Children (season 9)
Married... with Children (1987–1997) was an American sitcom, airing on the FOX network, about a dysfunctional family living in Chicago.
Shoeway To Heaven [9.1]
Driving Mr. Boondy [9.2]
- Al: Well we had a good time. Well you had a good time while mine blew chunks. I'd like to remind you, son, while you're figuring out my score, that if I don't get my driver's license, that means I can't drive. If I can't drive, I can't go to work. If I can't go to work, that means I'll have to stay home. And I'll be home all the time. Day and night. When you bring your dates over, I will be in my underwear. You know the underwear, don't you, son.
- Bud: Not the ones that read "If you lived here, you'd be home now."
- Al: And I'll be clipping my toenails and eating Cheez-Whiz from the can. Now let me ask you, son, HOW'D I DO?!!!
- Bud:[intimidated at the prospects of Al embarassing him at home] You passed.
- Al: A driving test huh. So go ahead gimme you best shot. Show me the moron who dare not pass me.
- Bud: Boondy. Al Boondy.
- [Bud reveals himself with a smug look on his face and Al is upset about it.]
- Al: All right you son of a woman from Wanker. You wanna drive, Lets Drive.
- Al:[answers the phone] Hello Peg.
- Peg: How'd you know it was me, Al?
- Al: I actually heard God laugh.
Kelly Breaks Out [9.3]
- Al: Now here's all the money I've got. I want you to go out to a pharmacy and get some real medicine.
- Kelly: Outside? But Daddy, what if someone sees my pimple?
- Al: Pumpkin, it's dark. No one is going to see the pimple.
- Kelly: I guess you're right. I guess I'm just being silly, huh?
- [Kelly opens the front door]
- Man on street: Woah, look at the zits on the blonde chick!
- Kelly: Thank God he didn't see the pimple, huh?
Naughty But Niece [9.4]
Business Sucks [9.5]
Business Still Sucks (2) [9.6]
Dial "B" For Virgin [9.7]
Sleepless In Chicago [9.8]
- Al: The things that happen when you forget to pack your cyanide pill.
No Pot to Pease in [9.9]
- Al: Well, let's see: I have an unemployed actress for a daughter... a son who'd have sex with a fire hydrant...and...
- Peg: Oh, happy day. My TV Guide cover collector plates are here.
- Al: That! Gee, I wonder where the next bolt of lightning will strike.
- TV Producer: Listen, I've been making TV since, well, since my wife was born. And do you know what I have learned? Nothing! You people learn more by watching it than we learn by making it!
Dud Bowl [9.10]
A Man For No Seasons [9.11]
- [Two time MVP Frank Thomas spins newspapers, after reading about the Working Man's pitching their own baseball league that proves successful.]
- Frank Thomas: Can I have a break now?
- Manager: No.
- Frank Thomas:[grabs a bat.] Can I have a break now?!
- Manager: (scared) Ab... Absolutely.
- [Bud and Kelly come home from working in the shoe store.]
- Bud: A fat woman came into the shoe store today.
- Kelly: And Bud still looked up her dress.
I Want My Psycho Dad (1) [9.12]
- Al: Ah, you two are the best kids any dad could accidentally have.
(Marcy comes over when news hit that Psycho Dad has been canceled due to complaints over content)
- Marcy (to the tune of the Psycho Dad theme): Who's the guy whose show is done?
- Who's TV hero's on the run?
- Who'll be watching VH-1?
- Loser Al, Loser Al, it's Loser Al!
- Al: I'm taking this fight to the place that stands for liberty, that stands for freedom of expression.
- Jefferson: The Nudie Bar?
- Al: No, but maybe first.
I Want My Psycho Dad (2) [9.13]
The Naked And The Dead, But Mostly The Naked [9.14]
Kelly Takes A Shot [9.15]
- Kelly: If God wanted people to shoot a bow, He wouldn't have invented assault weapons.
Get The Dodge Outta Hell [9.16]
- Kelly: Daddy might have been able to look me in the eye and break when the police brought me home at 2:00 in the morning, but I am not 11 any more.
- Al: Peg, what is it with you? You can change six D batteries in the dark, but you can't find a two-ton automobile.
- Peg: Let's not start talking about who can't find what in the dark.
25 Years And What Do Ya Get [9.17]
- Jefferson: It took forever for them to leave.
- Al: Yeah; but much like a roid, they come back with a vengeance.
- Bud: Dad, we got a problem.
- Kelly: We were out walking Buck when we ran into Mrs. Stewart.
- Bud: She was wearing her yellow slicker and I guess Buck must've thought she was a fire hydrant.
Ship Happens (1) [9.18]
- Marcy: What are you guys laughing at?
- Jefferson: Nothing. We're just happy to be here with the women we love.
- Al: And you guys.
- Al: Thank you, Peg, for booking me on the Titanic.
Ship Happens (2) [9.19]
- Al: Did I thank you for inviting me on this cruise, Peg?
- Peg: Well, as a matter of fact you haven't.
- Al: Well, then, maybe a simple stake through the heart would suffice.
- Al: Gee, I can't believe how small it is.
- Peg: Boy, if I had a nickel for every time I've said that.
Something Larry This Way Comes [9.20]
And B-I-N-G-O Was Her Name-O [9.21]
- Marcy: The women are wearing my favorite scent: Dust.
- Marcy: Oh, Peggy, what are you going to do with $10,000?
- Peg: Well, I think I'll give it to the needy. Of course, I needy it all.
(As Peg and Marcy are waiting for Al to pick them up)
- Marcy: Well, at least we're in a church.
- Janitor: Ladies, I gotta lock up. Get out.
- Marcy: I thought this was a sanctuary.
- Janitor: Yeah, 'til 11:00. After that, it's just another crime scene.
User Friendly [9.22]
- Bud: You're talking to a guy who's had it more times then there are stars in the sky.
- Dr. Kessler: There are more than four stars in the sky, Mr. Bundy.
- Kelly: Do you really think that science can replace this! [Takes off coat to reveal a tight mini-dress]
- Dr. Kessler: But I've got a patient, [Kelly pouts] Who is now on autopilot.
- (Al comes home excited, but Peg and Kelly are not.)
- Al: Hi Peg. How was Oprah?
- Peg: Oprah wasn't on today.
- Al: Oprah won't be on tomorrow either, Peg. Why?! Cause I had the cable company take her off, see.
- (Al shows her a new TV Guide channel.)
- Peg: The Guy Package.
- Al: With Femblock! See, it's a new service they offer men and a few female tennis players who are tired of watching girly crap. See, Peg, it's my week off and I want to spend it watching quality programing.
- Peg: Oh, you mean watching monster movies, jiggly shows and the Three Stooges.
- Al: Soitenly!
Pump Fiction [9.23]
- Beth: Thanks for signing my inner thigh, Mr. Bundy
- Al: Now, now, Beth. We promised not to speak of such things in front of Les Misérables.
- (Al and Kelly's movie is showing and the title says "Sheos" instead of "Shoes")
- Bud: Sheos?
- Kelly: No. Shoes, remember? E before O except after E-I-E-I-O.
Radio Free Trumaine [9.24]
- Peg: Now, Al, don't go to sleep. You know our deal: you get beef, I get beef.
- Mark: Now, remember, we're gonna be giving away free limo service to this Friday's formal to the student with the most pathetic reason for wanting it. [phone rings] You're on the air.
- Bud: Uh, hi. This is Bud Bundy and I'm trying to—
- Mark: Bud Bundy, we have our winner.
Shoeless Al [9.25]
- Woman: I'll have your jobs for this.
- Al: Fine, if we can trade for what's in your fridge.
- Jefferson: Stay cool. Our lives are in your feet.
- Peg: That's why life stinks.
The Undergraduate [9.26]
- Peg (trying to start the vacuum cleaner): Al, I think this thing is broken.
- Al: Peg, unlike many of your other devices, this one doesn't need batteries.
- Kelly: It's just a junior prom. I can do this with my eyes closed and my hands tied behind my back.
- Bud: That's sort of like one of your real dates, right?