Modern Family (season 3)

---

Seasons: 1 2 3 | Main

---

Modern Family (2009–2020) is an American sitcom created by Christopher Lloyd that follows three related, fictional families: a traditional family led by Phil and Claire Dunphy; Gloria and Jay Pritchett, a May-December couple; and Mitchell and Cam, a gay couple. The show is shot in a mockumentary.

Dude Ranch [3.01]

Alex: Okay, Lily, I'm going to push you one more time. Now, don't kick me, okay? Lily! I said don't kick me! Okay?

Jimmy: You know it's your own fault that's happening. Why don't you trying standing behind her?

Alex: You are an idiot.

Jimmy: Oh, really. I ain't the gettin' kicked.

Alex: Why are you following me?

Jimmy: why are you fightin' me here, gorgeous? This works.

Alex: I really, really don't appreciate you calling me 'gorgeous'. I just wanna enjoy time with my family, so if you don't mind...

[he kisses her]

Jimmy: Not a problem. See you around, sunshine.

Lily: Hee hee. You kissed the boy.

Alex: No, the boy kissed me. Okay, Lily? Boy kissed me.

---

Alex: We need to talk.

Jimmy: What?

Alex: You stole my first kiss.

Jimmy: What are you talking about?

Alex: I had it all planned out. It was supposed to be special: someone with a high GPA and a bright future. Not a Mario brother.

Jimmy: Fine. You know what, I don't even want your kiss. Here you can have it back.

[he kisses her]

Jimmy: There. Now we're even.

Alex: Keep it. I don't, I don't want it anymore.

[she kisses him]

Alex: What am I doing?

---

Alex: I looked it up. The distance between our houses is 2,443 miles.

Jimmy: Yeah, but on some maps, that's like, pfft, this big.

Alex: God, you're stupid.

[they kiss]

Door to Door [3.04]

Phil: Okay, huddle up everybody. Your mother's right. She's the quarterback of this family and we need to protect her like Blind Side did.

Luke: She just said that mom was Blind Side.

Phil: She's confused. Blind Side was the black kid who played Tight End.

Alex: Offensive Line.

Phil: Sorry, African-American kid.

---

Manny: Excuse me, would you like some Christmas wrapping paper?

Jewish: Actually, I'm Jewish.

Manny: Then you must appreciate a good value.

Jay: Oy vey.

---

Mitchell: When you come back, there will be a great, big mess waiting for you.

Cameron: And I will give him a great, big hug.

After the Fire [3.08]

Mitchell: We would have been here sooner, but this one had a wardrobe crisis.

Cameron: You know, it's a somber occasion, and all my tops are too joyful.

Mitchell: You do not want our problems.

---

Phil: I don't make the best decisions under pressure.

[cut to flashback]

Claire: Oh, my God! What the hell is that?

Phil: An alpaca. I bought the last one.

---

[while getting a massage, Jay accidentally said "I love you" to Phil]

Phil: I really need to talk to you.

Jay: You really don't.

Phil: Jay, please. It's about work. I got a text during your massage. I've been offered a partnership in a new agency.

Jay: [relieved] Oh. Good for you!

Phil: Well, I'm not so sure. I mean, there's... there's a big upside, but I have a stable job right now. I have three kids, and at least one of 'em's going to college. Worse case scenario, they all go.

---

Haley: What just happened?

Alex: You have your fans. I have mine. Someday your fans are going to work for my fans.

Punkin Chunkin [3.09]

Haley: Saying nothing is not lying, okay? It's just letting the truth speak for itself.

Alex: This is not the time for moral equivocation.

Haley: Okay, I don't know what that means, and also, don't tell me.

Alex: You're the one who's going to lose her driving privileges. I don't know why you're so calm.

Haley: All we have to do is keep it from mom until she goes to the store. Then, when she sees it, she'll assume that it happened there, which it did. So it's not really lying.

Alex: Listen to you! Are you gonna be a career criminal?

Haley: [scoffs] Oh, you sound like mom. I don't know what I'm gonna do after high school!

---

Phil: Hey friend. You look like you had a rough day at the office.

Luke: The stress from my job at the Robot Assassin Factory is too much to take. Aw, shoot me an aspirin, pal.

Phil: Maybe someday. But until then, try this on for size. The real HeadScratcher features 32 patent pending nogginizers that gently massage your scalp. In a soothing purr of motorized delight.

Luke: Wow. It feels great, and it looks good too. It's a real life saver.

Phil: You mean, a real Head Scratcher?

Phil Dunphy, Luke: Hahahahahahhaha.

Phil: TM.

---

Cameron: There are dreamers and there are realists in this world. You'd think the dreamers would find the dreamers and the realists would find the realists, but more often than not the opposite is true. You see, the dreamers need the realists to keep them from soaring too close to the sun. And the realists, well without the dreamers, they might not ever get off the ground.

Express Christmas [3.10]

Manny: That's it. I'm getting Mother's Little Helper.

Phil: What?

Manny: My mom keeps a stun gun for emergencies.

Phil: This isn't an emergenc-

[Phil moves in towards the car. Manny pulls out the stun gun and tases Phil by accident. Phil lies on the tarmac and clutches his chest]

Phil: Now it is!

Egg Drop [3.12]

Mitchell: We're interviewing prospective mothers for adoption.

Cameron: It's quite an ordeal. You want to look good, make a good first impression. It's kind of like going on a first date.

Mitchell: Actually, it's the opposite of a first date. You don't want to have sex, but you do want to have a baby.

---

Alex: [Claire wants Alex to tell her how she did the egg drop project] I didn't want to do this, but here's what you do: First, get a mirror. Then, you will look at it and you're gonna see a crazy woman. She needs your help.

Claire: You know, I made the egg that made you that made that project, so in a lot of ways, that project is mine!

[Looks in mirror]

Claire: You're good.

---

Gloria: [Yelling on the phone in Spanish] Yes! Auntie! Yes! You're 73 years old, not 20! Of course, but I'm in the United States so kill yourself! Kill yourself, because I don't care!

[laughs]

Gloria: Ok, yes! I love you! Muah! Muah! Muah!

[hangs up]

Manny: I understood "crazy old witch," "go kill yourself," then "I love you."

Jay: I'll never get this; how you all yell at each other.

Gloria: That's how you know that your family loves you, when they feel free to scream at you.

Me? Jealous? [3.14]

Hayley Dunphy: Oh, I'm sorry, were you trying to read?

Alex Dunphy: You're the one who tries to read.

Hayley Dunphy: Oh, my gosh! I am not that stupid!

Alex Dunphy: Seriously, Hayley, you think you are the coolest person ever!

Hayley Dunphy: Would you please stop just judging me and everything that I do?!

Alex Dunphy: Look at me! I'm so cool! (The girls kept arguing until Luke stops it.)

Luke Dunphy: [Enraged] ENOUGH! ENOUGH! I AM SO SICK OF YOU 2 FIGHTING ALL THE TIME! YOU'RE A BAD BIG SISTER, AND YOU'RE A BAD LITTLE SISTER! And you're both bad big sisters to me. Be normaler.