Mom (TV series)
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Mom (2013–present) is an American sitcom, airing on CBS about a newly sober and a single mom raising two children, whose mom, also a recovering drug and alcohol addict, returns to work on her relationship with her daughter.
|This TV article is a stub. You can help Wikiquote by expanding it.|
- Christy: While other mothers were cooking dinner, you were cooking meth.
- Bonnie: Otherwise known as working.
- Christy: Some mothers teach their daughters how to bake. Mine taught me how to beat a cavity search and still feel like a lady.
- Christy: Mom, I've watched you lick cocaine crumbs out of a shag carpet.
- Bonnie: It's not a sin to be thrifty, dear.
- Christy: Violet, I can't tell you not to have sex at your age, because I had sex at your age.
- Violet: Mom, I'm not having sex.
- Christy: Uh, don't lie to the woman who washes your sheets.
A Pee Stick and an Asian Raccoon [1.02]
- Christy: That's how you get into heaven, letting a little guy go up on you.
- Bonnie: I wish. All he wanted to do was spank me.
- Christy: Well, no good deed goes unpunished.
- Violet: I'll have the test results in two minutes.
- Christy: That's great. I mean the time to worry is so much less. When I was pregnant with you, those things took 20 minutes.
- Violet: Really?
- Christy: Yeah, that's how far science has come. So, that's great! [to Bonnie] We'll know the test results in 2 minutes.
- Bonnie: Wow. When I was pregnant with you, those things took 2 hours.
- Christy: Really?
- Bonnie: Yeah, that's a long time to wait in a gas station bathroom.
A Small Nervous Meltdown and a Misplaced Fork [1.03]
- Bonnie: You know, I had sex with a missionary once and oddly -- he wasn't a fan of the position.
- Bonnie: [holding up one of Christy's dresses] Were you sober when you bought this?
- Christy: I don't even remember. I hate all my clothes, they're all from when I was drinking.
- Bonnie: [holds up red plastic dress] What were you when you bought this?
- Christy: Popular.
- Roscoe: [playing blackjack] I don't have anymore money.
- Bonnie: No money? Or no money ON you?
- Roscoe: Well, I have some upstairs in my piggy bank.
- Bonnie: Well it's not doing you any good up there, is it?
- Bonnie: So how'd it go with your boss?
- Christy: I broke his leg *and* his nose.
- Bonnie: It felt good, didn't it?
- Christy: No, it didn't.
- Bonnie: A little bit?
- Christy: ...A little.
Loathing and Tube Socks [1.04]
Six Thousand Bootleg T-Shirts and a Prada Handbag [1.05]
- Christy: Regina, I know this is difficult for you, but I just want you to know, I think you're doing great.
- Regina: Really? 'Cause I think I might snap and kill you and your mother in your sleep.
- Bonnie: Recovering from the fatal disease of alcoholism doesn't mean I can't get some strange every once in a while.
- Christy: You should sew that on a pillow.
Abstinence and Pudding [1.06]
- Marjorie: Christy, if a man won't wait until you're ready to share your secret garden, he's not worth a second of your time.
- Bonnie: Secret garden? Holy Moses, how many cats do you own?
- Marjorie: Four.
- Luke: I'm telling you, I walked in on my parents having sex once and it traumatized me.
- Violet: This isn't the same thing.
- Luke: Yeah, it's worse, the kid can't run out of the room screaming.
- Violet: [Christy enters] Mom, tell Luke he's not going to hurt the baby.
- Christy: ...If I do that, he'll have sex with you. [to Luke] Stick to your guns.
- Bonnie: [Christy doesn't want to talk about her relationship] So how about you, Luke still worried he'll poke the baby's eye out?
- Violet: Luke is a very caring and sensitive person, and I don't want to talk about it.
- Bonnie: [pause] Well since nobody's going to ask me, I'll tell you, I took home a vice cop last night and I do want to talk about it.
Estrogen and a Hearty Breakfast [1.07]
- Christy: [speaking to Luke's parents] All right, I just want to say that we've all come to really love your son, and I know my daughter is crazy about him, so... I'm sure there's a happy ending in here somewhere.
- Bonnie: If Violet just gave him a happy ending we woul...
- Christy: Mom!
- Christy: [as Luke's parents are leaving] By the way, Pastor. We're going to raise the baby Jewish.
- Bonnie: And we're not Jews.
- Christy: Shalom, bitch!
- Bonnie: [as Christy tucks her in] Am I pretty?
- Christy: What? Of course you are, you're beautiful.
- Bonnie: I don't feel beautiful. I feel like a man trapped in a man's body.
- Christy: That's all in your head.
- Bonnie: Are you saying I'm crazy?
- Christy: Not in this context. Go to sleep, things will look a lot better in the morning.
- Nathan: We're not sure that Luke is the only boy who has slept with this temptress.
- Bonnie: Now hold it right there, I can assure you that with every generation of our family, the women get better. Now, I may have been a drunken slut.
- Christy: She was.
- Bonnie: And my daughter may also have been a drunken slut.
- Christy: Hey!
- Bonnie: What?
- Christy: Sorry, go on.
- Bonnie: But this angel was pure as snow until she smoked your son's blunt, drank his tequila and made mad passionate love to him for about 2 minutes. [to Violet] Am I right so far?
- Violet: [uncomfortably] Pretty much.
Big Sur and Strawberry Lube [1.08]
Zombies and Cobb Salad [1.09]
Belgian Waffles and Bathroom Privileges [1.10]
- Christy: Dammit, I forgot I have to take Violet to her doctor's appointment!
- Bonnie: I know, I had Luke take her in early. She's gained 3 pounds, the baby's the size of an heirloom tomato.
- Violet: Do we have a Bible?
- Christy: We have one that's hollowed out.
- Violet: Why would it be hollow?
- Christy: ...I misspoke. We don't have a Bible.
- Violet: Never mind, I'll just get one at the library.
- Christy: Why do you want to read the Bible?
- Violet: Because I'm curious.
- Christy: What? I didn't raise you to be curious.
- Violet: Luke's father thinks I should come to his church and work on my soul.
- Christy: Well you tell Luke's father that I said your soul can kick his soul's ass.
Cotton Candy and Blended Fish [1.11]
- Christy: Marjorie, how many cats do you own?
- Marjorie: Oh, you don't own cats. You love them.
- Christy: Okay... How many cats do you love?
- Marjorie: [pointing and gesturing] Well, let's see. That's Carlos Santana, and that's Grace Slick, and that's Boz Skaggs, and Steve Miller, and these three are the Tower of Power horn section. And this fat little trouble-maker is Jerry Garcia. So... eight.
- Christy: [walks in on Luke and Violet on her bed with her jeans half on] God, lock the door!
- Luke: No, it's not what you think, I'm trying to get them *on* her.
- Christy: What?
- Violet: None of my stupid pants fit!
- Christy: Of course not, Violet, you're pregnant. You had to know this was going to happen.
- Violet: I did but I still wanted to be hot.
- Christy: You were hot, that's why you're pregnant.
Corned Beef and Handcuffs [1.12]
- Rudy: But the real magic happens when we start to combine flavors. For example, take a simple cherry tomato, squirt a little aged balsamic vinegar into its fleshy center...
- Bonnie: Cherry. Squirt. Fleshy. You can't help yourself, can you?
- Rudy: It's very hard.
- Christy: Rudy said he doesn't want to see you anymore.
- Bonnie: What? Wait, why are you telling me this and not him?
- Christy: Because he has an emotionally crippling mother.
- Rudy: So why don't you drink?
- Bonnie: I'm allergic to alcohol, any time I drink it I break out in handcuffs.
- Rudy: What a shame, I happen to have a large collection of both wine and handcuffs.
Hot Soup and Shingles [1.13]
Leather Cribs and Medieval Rack [1.14]
- Christy: [Christy and Bonnie are confessing long-held secret to each other] Okay, I got one. Remember that kilo of hash that was stolen from your car?
- Bonnie: Yeah?
- Christy: Best. Junior Prom. Ever.
- Bonnie: Are you crazy? I was almost KILLED for that.
- Christy: Oh, I'm sorry.
- Bonnie: I had a GUN to my head in the desert, they made me dig my own grave!
- Christy: That's too bad. I was voted queen of the prom!
- Luke: This ass was spanked a lot as a kid and it's a better ass for it.
- Violet: Well I want to raise our baby with patience and understanding.
- Luke: Why? You weren't raised that way.
- Violet: I know. I want to do better by our child. I want to be able to break the cycle.
- Luke: Wow, that's ambitious.
Fireballs and Bullet Holes [1.15]
- Alvin: [Knocks on door. Violet answers] Hi. Is Christy Plunkett here?
- Violet: You a bill collector?
- Alvin: No.
- Violet: Subpoena?
- Alvin: No.
- Violet: Are we being evicted again?
- Alvin: No. What do you mean "again"?
- Violet: Never mind. She's not here.
- Alvin: Oh, okay. You, uh... you must be her daughter.
- Violet: Listen pal, we're not joining your church.
- Alvin: I'm not... Forget it. I'll come back another time.
- Violet: Whatever. [Slams door]
- Alvin: Wow. My granddaughter's a joy.
Nietzsche and a Beer Run [1.16]
- Christy: [ driving a firetruck stops at a red light]
- Bonnie: [following Christy, the calls her] What are you doing?
- Christy: What it's a red light.
- Bonnie: You're in a firetruck.
- Christy: Oh right. [turns on sirens]
Jail, Jail and Japanese Porn [1.17]
- Christy: I can't believe they found you guilty.
- Regina: I can. I stole three million dollars.
- Christy: Maybe they'll send you to one of those swanky country club jails.
- Regina: Get real. I'm a black woman who embezzled money from white people. I'm going to jail jail. Someone's gonna buy my ass for a KitKat bar.
- Bonnie: Well, it's only fair. KitKat bars helped build that thing.
- Regina: Where do you think Christy is?
- Bonnie: I think she's unrolling a fire hose.
- Regina: What?
- Bonnie: She's dating a fireman.
Sonograms and Tube Tops [1.18]
- Christy: I thought this baby was going to be my second chance.
- Violet: How would that happen?
- Christy: Well, this time I wouldn't be drunk. I wouldn't pass out at a PTA meeting, at the wrong school.
- Violet: [dryly] Yeah, that wasn't too embarrassing.
- Christy: The baby shower's going to be great, fun and games and free stuff for the baby.
- Violet: I don't need it.
- Christy: Violet, I'm stealing food from work, trust me, we need it.
- Violet: No we don't.
- Christy: Why not?
- Violet: ...I've made a decision. I'm giving this baby up for adoption. [leaves]
- Christy: I feel like I just got punched in the heart.
Toilet Wine and the Earl of Sandwich [1.19]
- Regina: Do you know what the worst part of being in prison will be?
- Bonnie: Being in prison?
- Regina: No, that I won't get to see my son grow up.
- Bonnie: Oh... I'm gonna stop talking now.
- Marjorie: Don't say it if you don't mean it.
- Christy: When did you last see your son?
- Regina: Before my trial.
- Marjorie: But that was months ago!
- Regina: My ex-husband won't let me see him, not that I blame him. He just turned 10. He's going to be a teenager by the time I get out.
- Christy: Where's your ex live?
- Regina: In Stockton, about a hundred miles back.
- Christy: [pause] Hell with it. [turns the car around] We're going to Stockton!
- Regina: But I'll be late to turn myself in.
- Christy: What the hell are they gonna do, Regina? Throw you in jail?
Clumsy Monkeys and a Tilted Uterus [1.20]
Broken Dreams and Blocked Arteries [1.21]
- Violet: Hey.
- Alvin: Hey. Your mom tells me you've got a prom coming up.
- Violet: Um-hmm.
- Alvin: That sounds like fun.
- Violet: Yep.
- Alvin: What's the theme?
- Violet: Broken condoms, broken dreams.
- Alvin: [Nodding] Oh, okay. You've got a shot at being the Queen.
Smokey Taylor and a Deathbed Confession [1.22]
- Christy: Shouldn't Luke be here by now?
- Violet: He didn't drive, he's high, so he took the bus.
- Christy: He smoked pot on the day you're having the baby?
- Violet: He smokes pot every day, it's not a big deal.
- Luke: [in the hall] Violet?
- Violet: I'm in here!
- Luke: [walks right by] Violet?
- Violet: I'm in here!
- Luke: Violet?
- Violet: You literally just walked past me!
- Luke: Violet?
- Christy: Everyday, huh?
- Violet: I changed my mind!
- Christy: I told you, you can't go home, you have to have this baby.
- Violet: No, I changed my mind, I'm keeping this baby!
- Christy: [she and Bonnie look at each other] Are you sure?
- Violet: I'm never going through this much pain again, so I need to keep this baby!
Hepatitis and Lemon Zest [2.01]
Figgy Pudding and the Rapture [2.02]
Chicken Nuggets and a Triple Homicide [2.03]
Forged Resumes and the Recommended Dosage [2.04]
Kimchi and a Monkey Playing Harmonica [2.05]
Crazy Eyes and a Wet Brad Pitt [2.06]
Soapy Eyes and a Clean Slate [2.07]
Free Therapy and a Dead Lady's Yard Sale [2.08]
Godzilla and a Sprig of Mint [2.09]
Nudes and a Six Day Cleanse [2.10]
Three Smiles and an Unpainted Ceiling [2.11]
Kitty Litter and a Class A Felony [2.12]
Cheeseburger Salad and Jazz [2.13]
Benito Poppins and a Warm Pumpkin [2.14]
Turkey Meatballs and a Getaway Car [2.15]
Dirty Money and a Woman Named Mike [2.16]
A Commemorative Coin and a Misshapen Head [2.17]
Dropped Soap and a Big Guy on a Throne [2.18]
Mashed Potatoes and a Little Nitrous [2.19]
Sick Popes and a Red Ferrari [2.20]
Patient Zero and the Chocolate Fountain [2.21]
Fun Girl Stuff and Eternal Salvation [2.22]
Terrorists and Gingerbread [3.01]
Thigh Gap and a Rack of Lamb [3.02]
Mozzarella Sticks and a Gay Piano Bar [3.03]
Sawdust and Brisket [3.04]
A Pirate, Three Frogs and a Prince [3.05]
Horny-Goggles and a Catered Intervention [3.06]
Kreplach and a Tiny Tush [3.07]
Snickerdoodle and a Nip Slip [3.08]
My Little Pony and a Demerol Drip [3.09]
Quaaludes and Crackerjack [3.10]
Cinderella and a Drunk MacGyver [3.11]
Diabetic Lesbians and a Blushing Bride [3.12]
Sticky Hands and a Walk on the Wild Side [3.13]
Death, Death, Death and a Bucket of Chicken [3.14]
Nazi Zombies and a Two-Hundred Pound Baby [3.15]
Cornflakes and the Hair of Three Men [3.16]
Caperberries and a Glass Eye [3.17]
Beast Mode and Old People Kissing [3.18]
A Catheter and a Dipsy-Doodle [3.19]
Pure Evil and a Free Piece of Cheesecake [3.20]
Mahjong Sally and the Ecstasy [3.21]
Atticus Finch and the Downtrodden [3.22]
High-tops and Brown Jacket [4.01]
Sword Fights and a Dominican Shortstop [4.02]
Sparkling Water and Ba-dinkers [4.03]
Curious George and the Big Red Nightmare [4.04]
Blow and a Free McMuffin [4.05]
Xanax and a Baby Duck [4.06]
Cornbread and a Cashmere Onesie [4.07]
Freckled Bananas and a Little Schwinn [4.08]
Bad Hand and British Royalty [4.09]
A Safe Word and a Rib Eye [4.10]
Good Karma and the Big Weird [4.11]
Wind Chimes and a Bottomless Pit of Sadness [4.12]
A Bouncy Castle and an Aneurysm [4.13]
Roast Chicken and a Funny Story [4.14]
Night Swimmin' and an English Muffin [4.15]
Martinis and a Sponge Bath [4.16]
Black Mold and an Old Hot Dog [4.17]
Tush Push and Some Radishes [4.18]
Tantric Sex and the Sprouted Flute [4.19]
A Cricket and a Hedge Made of Gold [4.20]
A Few Thongs and a Hawaiian Funeral [4.21]
Lockjaw and a Liquid Diet [4.22]
Twinkle Lights and Grandma Shoes [5.01]
Fish Town and Too Many Thank You's [5.02]
- [The end credits scroll up. The logo reads: Chuck Lorre Productions, #570]
- Emoji: Believe me.
- [Last lines]
A Seafaring Ancestor and a Bloomin' Onion [5.03]
Fancy Crackers and Giant Women [5.04]
Poodle Fuzz and a Twinge of Jealousy [5.05]
Smooth Jazz and a Weird Floaty Eye [5.06]
Too Many Hippies and Huevos Rancheros [5.07]
An Epi-Pen and a Security Cat [5.08]
Teenage Vampires and a White Russian [5.09]
A Bear and a Bladder Infection [5.10]
Bert and Ernie and a Blessing of the People [5.11]
Push-Down Coffee and a Working Turn Signal [5.12]
Pudding and a Screen Door [5.13]
Charlotte Brontë and a Backhoe [5.14]
Esta Loca and a Little Klingon [5.15]
Eight Cats and the Hat Show [5.16]
Crazy Snakes and a Clog to the Head [5.17]
Spaghetti Sauce and a Dumpster Fire [5.18]
A Taco Bowl and a Tubby Seamstress [5.19]
Ocular Fluid and Fighting Robots [5.20]
Phone Confetti and a Wee Dingle [5.21]
Diamond Earrings and a Pumpkin Head [5.22]
Pre-Washed Lettuce and a Mime [6.01]
Go-Go Boots and a Butt Cushion [6.02]
Ambulance Chasers and a Babbling Brook [6.03]
Big Sauce and Coconut Water [6.04]
Flying Monkeys and a Tank of Nitrous [6.05]
Cottage Cheese and a Weird Buzz [6.06]
Puzzle Club and a Closet Party [6.07]
Jell-O Shots and the Truth about Santa [6.08]
Pork Loin and a Beat Up Monte Carlo [6.09]
Flamingos and a Dance-Based Exercise Class [6.10]
Foot Powder and the Barrelworks Pirates [6.11]
Hacky Sack and a Beautiful Experience [6.12]
Big Floor Pillows and a Ball of Fire [6.13]
Kalamazoo and a Bad Wedge of Brie [6.14]
Sparkling Banter and a Failing Steel Town [6.15]
Skippy and the Knowledge Hole [6.16]
Cincinnati and a Toe Situation [6.17]
Soup Town and a Little Blonde Mongoose [6.18]
Lumbar Support and Old Pork [6.19]
Triple Dip and an Overhand Grip [6.20]
Fingers Guns and a Beef Bourguignon [6.21]
Crazy Hair and a Teeny Tiny Part of Canada [6.22]
Audrey Hepburn and a Jalapeño Pepper [7.01]
Pop Pop and a Puma [7.02]
Goat Yogurt and Ample Parking [7.03]
Twirly Flippy Men and a Dirty Bird [7.04]
Fake Bacon and a Plan to Kill All of Us [7.05]
Wile E. Coyote and a Possessed Doll [7.06]
Pork Butt and a Mall Walker [7.07]
Hot Butter and Toxic Narcissism [7.08]
Tuna Florentine and a Clean Handoff [7.09]
Higgledy-Piggledy and a Cat Show [7.10]
One Tiny Incision and a Coffin Dress [7.11]
Silly Frills and a Depressed Garden Gnome [7.12]
Dammit Sandra and Viking Ancestors [7.13]
Cheddar Cheese and a Squirrel Circus [7.14]
Somebody's Grandmother and the A-List [7.15]
Judy Garland and a Sexy Troll Doll [7.16]
Beef Baloney Dan and a Sarcastic No [7.17]
A Judgy Face and Your Grandma's Drawers [7.18]
Texas Pete and a Parking Lot Carnival [7.19]
Big Sad Eyes and an Antique Hot Dog [7.20]
- Anna Faris - Christy Plunkett
- Allison Janney - Bonnie Plunkett
- Sadie Calvano - Violet Plunkett
- Nate Corddry - Gabriel (regular seasons 1-2)
- Matt L. Jones - Baxter
- French Stewart - Chef Rudy
- Spencer Daniels - Luke (regular seasons 1-2)
- Blake Garrett Rosenthal - Roscoe
- Mini Kennedy - s Marjorie Armstrong (recurring season 1, regular season 2-present)
- Jaime Pressly - Jill Kendall (recurring season 2, regular season 3)
- Beth Hall - Wendy Harris (recurring season 2, regular season 3)