Mom (TV series)

Mom (2013–2021) is an American sitcom, airing on CBS about a newly sober and a single mom raising two children, whose mom, also a recovering drug and alcohol addict, returns to work on her relationship with her daughter.

Season 1

Pilot [1.01]

Christy: While other mothers were cooking dinner, you were cooking meth.

Bonnie: Otherwise known as working.

---

Christy: Some mothers teach their daughters how to bake. Mine taught me how to beat a cavity search and still feel like a lady.

---

Christy: Mom, I've watched you lick cocaine crumbs out of a shag carpet.

Bonnie: It's not a sin to be thrifty, dear.

---

Christy: Violet, I can't tell you not to have sex at your age, because I had sex at your age.

Violet: Mom, I'm not having sex.

Christy: Uh, don't lie to the woman who washes your sheets.

A Pee Stick and an Asian Raccoon [1.02]

Christy: That's how you get into heaven, letting a little guy go up on you.

Bonnie: I wish. All he wanted to do was spank me.

Christy: Well, no good deed goes unpunished.

---

Violet: I'll have the test results in two minutes.

Christy: That's great. I mean the time to worry is so much less. When I was pregnant with you, those things took 20 minutes.

Violet: Really?

Christy: Yeah, that's how far science has come. So, that's great! [to Bonnie] We'll know the test results in 2 minutes.

Bonnie: Wow. When I was pregnant with you, those things took 2 hours.

Christy: Really?

Bonnie: Yeah, that's a long time to wait in a gas station bathroom.

A Small Nervous Meltdown and a Misplaced Fork [1.03]

Bonnie: You know, I had sex with a missionary once and oddly -- he wasn't a fan of the position.

---

Bonnie: [holding up one of Christy's dresses] Were you sober when you bought this?

Christy: I don't even remember. I hate all my clothes, they're all from when I was drinking.

Bonnie: [holds up red plastic dress] What were you when you bought this?

Christy: Popular.

---

Roscoe: [playing blackjack] I don't have anymore money.

Bonnie: No money? Or no money ON you?

Roscoe: Well, I have some upstairs in my piggy bank.

Bonnie: Well it's not doing you any good up there, is it?

---

Bonnie: So how'd it go with your boss?

Christy: I broke his leg *and* his nose.

Bonnie: It felt good, didn't it?

Christy: No, it didn't.

Bonnie: A little bit?

Christy: ...A little.

Six Thousand Bootleg T-Shirts and a Prada Handbag [1.05]

Christy: Regina, I know this is difficult for you, but I just want you to know, I think you're doing great.

Regina: Really? 'Cause I think I might snap and kill you and your mother in your sleep.

---

Bonnie: Recovering from the fatal disease of alcoholism doesn't mean I can't get some strange every once in a while.

Christy: You should sew that on a pillow.

Abstinence and Pudding [1.06]

Marjorie: Christy, if a man won't wait until you're ready to share your secret garden, he's not worth a second of your time.

Bonnie: Secret garden? Holy Moses, how many cats do you own?

Marjorie: Four.

---

Luke: I'm telling you, I walked in on my parents having sex once and it traumatized me.

Violet: This isn't the same thing.

Luke: Yeah, it's worse, the kid can't run out of the room screaming.

Violet: [Christy enters] Mom, tell Luke he's not going to hurt the baby.

Christy: ...If I do that, he'll have sex with you. [to Luke] Stick to your guns.

---

Bonnie: [Christy doesn't want to talk about her relationship] So how about you, Luke still worried he'll poke the baby's eye out?

Violet: Luke is a very caring and sensitive person, and I don't want to talk about it.

Bonnie: [pause] Well since nobody's going to ask me, I'll tell you, I took home a vice cop last night and I do want to talk about it.

Estrogen and a Hearty Breakfast [1.07]

Christy: [speaking to Luke's parents] All right, I just want to say that we've all come to really love your son, and I know my daughter is crazy about him, so... I'm sure there's a happy ending in here somewhere.

Bonnie: If Violet just gave him a happy ending we woul...

Christy: Mom!

---

Christy: [as Luke's parents are leaving] By the way, Pastor. We're going to raise the baby Jewish.

Bonnie: And we're not Jews.

Christy: Shalom, bitch!

---

Bonnie: [as Christy tucks her in] Am I pretty?

Christy: What? Of course you are, you're beautiful.

Bonnie: I don't feel beautiful. I feel like a man trapped in a man's body.

Christy: That's all in your head.

Bonnie: Are you saying I'm crazy?

Christy: Not in this context. Go to sleep, things will look a lot better in the morning.

---

Nathan: We're not sure that Luke is the only boy who has slept with this temptress.

Bonnie: Now hold it right there, I can assure you that with every generation of our family, the women get better. Now, I may have been a drunken slut.

Christy: She was.

Bonnie: And my daughter may also have been a drunken slut.

Christy: Hey!

Bonnie: What?

Christy: Sorry, go on.

Bonnie: But this angel was pure as snow until she smoked your son's blunt, drank his tequila and made mad passionate love to him for about 2 minutes. [to Violet] Am I right so far?

Violet: [uncomfortably] Pretty much.

Belgian Waffles and Bathroom Privileges [1.10]

Christy: Dammit, I forgot I have to take Violet to her doctor's appointment!

Bonnie: I know, I had Luke take her in early. She's gained 3 pounds, the baby's the size of an heirloom tomato.

---

Violet: Do we have a Bible?

Christy: We have one that's hollowed out.

Violet: Why would it be hollow?

Christy: ...I misspoke. We don't have a Bible.

Violet: Never mind, I'll just get one at the library.

---

Christy: Why do you want to read the Bible?

Violet: Because I'm curious.

Christy: What? I didn't raise you to be curious.

Violet: Luke's father thinks I should come to his church and work on my soul.

Christy: Well you tell Luke's father that I said your soul can kick his soul's ass.

Cotton Candy and Blended Fish [1.11]

Christy: Marjorie, how many cats do you own?

Marjorie: Oh, you don't own cats. You love them.

Christy: Okay... How many cats do you love?

Marjorie: [pointing and gesturing] Well, let's see. That's Carlos Santana, and that's Grace Slick, and that's Boz Skaggs, and Steve Miller, and these three are the Tower of Power horn section. And this fat little trouble-maker is Jerry Garcia. So... eight.

---

Christy: [walks in on Luke and Violet on her bed with her jeans half on] God, lock the door!

Luke: No, it's not what you think, I'm trying to get them *on* her.

Christy: What?

Violet: None of my stupid pants fit!

Christy: Of course not, Violet, you're pregnant. You had to know this was going to happen.

Violet: I did but I still wanted to be hot.

Christy: You were hot, that's why you're pregnant.

Corned Beef and Handcuffs [1.12]

Rudy: But the real magic happens when we start to combine flavors. For example, take a simple cherry tomato, squirt a little aged balsamic vinegar into its fleshy center...

Bonnie: Cherry. Squirt. Fleshy. You can't help yourself, can you?

Rudy: It's very hard.

---

Christy: Rudy said he doesn't want to see you anymore.

Bonnie: What? Wait, why are you telling me this and not him?

Christy: Because he has an emotionally crippling mother.

---

Rudy: So why don't you drink?

Bonnie: I'm allergic to alcohol, any time I drink it I break out in handcuffs.

Rudy: What a shame, I happen to have a large collection of both wine and handcuffs.

Leather Cribs and Medieval Rack [1.14]

Christy: [Christy and Bonnie are confessing long-held secret to each other] Okay, I got one. Remember that kilo of hash that was stolen from your car?

Bonnie: Yeah?

Christy: Best. Junior Prom. Ever.

Bonnie: Are you crazy? I was almost KILLED for that.

Christy: Oh, I'm sorry.

Bonnie: I had a GUN to my head in the desert, they made me dig my own grave!

Christy: That's too bad. I was voted queen of the prom!

---

Luke: This ass was spanked a lot as a kid and it's a better ass for it.

Violet: Well I want to raise our baby with patience and understanding.

Luke: Why? You weren't raised that way.

Violet: I know. I want to do better by our child. I want to be able to break the cycle.

Luke: Wow, that's ambitious.

Fireballs and Bullet Holes [1.15]

Alvin: [Knocks on door. Violet answers] Hi. Is Christy Plunkett here?

Violet: You a bill collector?

Alvin: No.

Violet: Subpoena?

Alvin: No.

Violet: Are we being evicted again?

Alvin: No. What do you mean "again"?

Violet: Never mind. She's not here.

Alvin: Oh, okay. You, uh... you must be her daughter.

Violet: Listen pal, we're not joining your church.

Alvin: I'm not... Forget it. I'll come back another time.

Violet: Whatever. [Slams door]

Alvin: Wow. My granddaughter's a joy.

Nietzsche and a Beer Run [1.16]

Christy: [ driving a firetruck stops at a red light]

Bonnie: [following Christy) What are you doing?

Christy: What it's a red light.

Bonnie: You're in a firetruck.

Christy: Oh right. [turns on sirens]

Jail, Jail and Japanese Porn [1.17]

Christy: I can't believe they found you guilty.

Regina: I can. I stole three million dollars.

Christy: Maybe they'll send you to one of those swanky country club jails.

Regina: Get real. I'm a black woman who embezzled money from white people. I'm going to jail jail. Someone's gonna buy my ass for a KitKat bar.

Bonnie: Well, it's only fair. KitKat bars helped build that thing.

---

Regina: Where do you think Christy is?

Bonnie: I think she's unrolling a fire hose.

Regina: What?

Bonnie: She's dating a fireman.

Sonograms and Tube Tops [1.18]

Christy: I thought this baby was going to be my second chance.

Violet: How would that happen?

Christy: Well, this time I wouldn't be drunk. I wouldn't pass out at a PTA meeting, at the wrong school.

Violet: [dryly] Yeah, that wasn't too embarrassing.

---

Christy: The baby shower's going to be great, fun and games and free stuff for the baby.

Violet: I don't need it.

Christy: Violet, I'm stealing food from work, trust me, we need it.

Violet: No we don't.

Christy: Why not?

Violet: ...I've made a decision. I'm giving this baby up for adoption. [leaves]

Christy: I feel like I just got punched in the heart.

---

Violet: Dumbass crackers!

Christy: What's the matter?

Violet: Luke's parents. First they say they don't want a thing to do with this baby, and now they're freaking out because I'm giving up their "beloved grandkid".

Bonnie: What about Luke?

Violet: He was useless. Oh, and get this. [snarkily] Now his parents are insisting that they're going to adopt the baby!

Christy: What'd you tell them?

Violet: I told them that I don't want my kid being raised by religious fanatics. I want it raised by homosexuals! [leaves]

Toilet Wine and the Earl of Sandwich [1.19]

Regina: Do you know what the worst part of being in prison will be?

Bonnie: Being in prison?

Regina: No, that I won't get to see my son grow up.

Bonnie: Oh... I'm gonna stop talking now.

Marjorie: Don't say it if you don't mean it.

Christy: When did you last see your son?

Regina: Before my trial.

Marjorie: But that was months ago!

Regina: My ex-husband won't let me see him, not that I blame him. He just turned 10. He's going to be a teenager by the time I get out.

Christy: Where's your ex live?

Regina: In Stockton, about a hundred miles back.

Christy: [pause] Hell with it. [turns the car around] We're going to Stockton!

Regina: But I'll be late to turn myself in.

Christy: What the hell are they gonna do, Regina? Throw you in jail?

Broken Dreams and Blocked Arteries [1.21]

Violet: Hey.

Alvin: Hey. Your mom tells me you've got a prom coming up.

Violet: Um-hmm.

Alvin: That sounds like fun.

Violet: Yep.

Alvin: What's the theme?

Violet: Broken condoms, broken dreams.

Alvin: [Nodding] Oh, okay. You've got a shot at being the Queen.

Smokey Taylor and a Deathbed Confession [1.22]

Christy: Shouldn't Luke be here by now?

Violet: He didn't drive, he's high, so he took the bus.

Christy: He smoked pot on the day you're having the baby?

Violet: He smokes pot every day, it's not a big deal.

Luke: [in the hall] Violet?

Violet: I'm in here!

Luke: [walks right by] Violet?

Violet: I'm in here!

Luke: Violet?

Violet: You literally just walked past me!

Luke: Violet?

Christy: Everyday, huh?

---

Violet: I changed my mind!

Christy: I told you, you can't go home, you have to have this baby.

Violet: No, I changed my mind, I'm keeping this baby!

Christy: [she and Bonnie look at each other] Are you sure?

Violet: I'm never going through this much pain again, so I need to keep this baby!

Season 5

Fish Town and Too Many Thank You's [5.02]

[The end credits scroll up. The logo reads: Chuck Lorre Productions, #570]

Emoji: Believe me.

[Last lines]

Season 8

My Kinda People and the Big To-Do [8.18]

[The last lines of the series]

Bonnie: This has been quite a day. I think I've had every feeling a person can have. Some of them great, some of them just awful. And never once thought about drinking or using. But that's not the miracle. The miracle is I never thought about myself. I was thinking about the people I love and how I can help them. And also some fish, which is ironic, 'cause I had sushi for lunch. I didn't care. It was... When I walked in that door eight years ago, I was so filled with fear and self-loathing, shame. But now, I kind of like me. I kind of love me. [Tears up] I love my husband, I love my daughter, my friends, my grandkids. I even love those two crazy bitches in the back row.

Jolene: I think that's us.

Shannon: It is.

Bonnie: I've always heard people in meetings say how they're grateful alcoholics, and I never understood it. It actually kind of pissed me off. But now I get it. My name is Bonnie and I'm a grateful alcoholic. And if that pisses you off, just keep coming back. Thank you. [The groups applauds and Bonnie walks to the back] Would you guys join us for coffee?

Shannon: Just say yes.

Jolene: Yes.

Wendy: Who else would like to share?

Cast

• Anna Faris - Christy Plunkett (seasons 1-7)
• Allison Janney - Bonnie Plunkett
• Sadie Calvano - Violet Plunkett (regular season 1-3, recurring season 4)
• Nate Corddry - Gabriel (regular seasons 1-2)
• Matt L. Jones - Baxter (regular season 1-3, recurring season 4)
• French Stewart - Chef Rudy (regular season 1-2, recurring season 6-7)
• Spencer Daniels - Luke (regular seasons 1-2)
• Blake Garrett Rosenthal - Roscoe (regular season 1-3, recurring season 4)
• Mini Kennedy - s Marjorie Armstrong (recurring season 1, regular season 2-8)
• Jaime Pressly - Jill Kendall (recurring season 2, regular season 3-8)
• Beth Hall - Wendy Harris (recurring season 2, regular season 3-8)

External links

• Mom (TV series) quotes at the Internet Movie Database
• Mom at TV.com