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Muppets Tonight (1996–1998) was a television series created by The Jim Henson Company and featuring the Muppets. The show was a continuation of The Muppet Show, set in a television studio, rather than a theatre.

The premise of Muppets Tonight was that Kermit the Frog - voiced by Steve Whitmire, and Clifford - voiced by Kevin Clash, were the hosts of a variety/talk show on KMUP. The show stuck closely to the Muppet Show format of various skits (mostly featuring the show's human guest star) interspersed with some sort of crisis occurring backstage.

Theme Song

[edit]
Clifford: If you're a human bein',
Take a break from the race.
Take a load off your feet,
Wipe the look off your face.
Got a lot to do,
And we do it for you;
Everybody take your place!
Clifford: Oh it's the night,
Chorus: [counterpoint] You're gonna see something never seen,
Clifford: Tonight's the night!
Chorus: [counterpoint] you're gonna hear things that never been.
Clifford: We got a show for you,
Guaranteed brand new,
All: Here come the Muppets Tonight!
Clifford: Yeah.
All: We got a show for you,
Guaranteed brand new,
Here come the Muppets
Here come the Muppets,
Here come the Muppets Tonight!

Season 1

[edit]

Michelle Pfeiffer [1.1]

[edit]
Kermit: And here is Gonzo the Great to tell us about some of our new programs! Take it away Gonzo.
Gonzo: Thank you very much, Kermit! Let's see, here on Monday we have Murphy Prawn,...
Rizzo: That's my favorite one.
Gonzo: ...and the Single Duck in the City and his apartment full of friends...
Rizzo I got one too.
Gonzo: ...and for this evening's show right now we have TBA followed by the X-flies...
Kermit: Ahr...er.. 'x...'xcuse me, but TBA means 'To be Announced', which means...We don't have a show for tonight!
Gonzo: [freaking out] What?! No show?! Oh, no, that's terrible! [resumes "normally" after a pause] Okay, on Saturday we have...
Kermit: Congratulations, Clifford, you got your own show
Clifford: [into the phone] Hold on, baby. [to Kermit] My Own show?! I've always wanted to have my own show! Man, this is great! So, so when does it start?
Kermit: Ooh, in about thirty seconds.
Clifford: [into the phone] I call you back. Iuh![faints]
Clifford: I'm Clifford, your homey made of foamy!
[There is no opening act]
Gonzo: Clifford, your problems are solved: I've got an act that's gonna knock your socks off.
Clifford: Well, put 'em on, man!
Gonzo: [looks down] Your socks?
Clifford: No! The act, the act!
Gonzo: Oh, yes, okay. [clears throat] Muppets Tonight is proud to present: François Fromage and his dancing cheeses! Give it up, Give it up!
Clifford: It better be Gouda! What? Too cheesy?
[Miss Piggy offers her services]
Clifford: You're really gonna do our show? We', that's great! But, but I thought you were busy doing infomercials.
Miss Piggy: [repulsed] Infomercials? Hahah, hah, hah, hah: it is to laugh! Moi am a star! I do not stoop so low as to do... infomercials!
Redshirt: [Turns on tv] Hey, Miss Piggy, They're running one of those infomercials you do not doooo...
Miss Piggy: [eliminates him] Hahahah, haah.
Miss Piggy on the Infomercial: And not only do my Pigwig hair extensions make a provocative fashion statement - as - vous - can - plainly - see, but...they are also handy in the kitchen as a lovely pot scrubber. Look! [the pot turns her around really fast] The pot is getting so clean, I can see myself! Whoa, whoa!
Miss Piggy: [deadpan] Don't laugh, it paid for the beach house.
[Clifford has foolishly agreed to hire Andy and Randy Pig, two nephews of Miss Piggy]
Clifford: So which one of you fellows are Andy, and which one's Randy?
Andy and Randy: This job is too hard!
[Statler and Waldorf in the nursing home]
Waldorf Nurse, there's something wrong with this tv!
Statler: What's that?
Waldorf: It's on! [both laugh]
[Next week: Elvis of Arabia]
Elvis of Arabia: Dang, it's hot out here.
[Clifford is still a bit dizzy from his last encounter with Miss Piggy]
Clifford: [dazed] Ladies and gentlemen, here's a sweet musical number, from The Sound of Music...number.
[Michelle Pfeiffer and Miss Piggy perform The Sound of Music]
Michelle Pfeiffer: [to children] I'm going to sing you a song. [to Miss Piggy] In key.
Miss Piggy: [threateningly] Why, I oughta...

Sandra Bullock [1.7]

[edit]
[Andy and Randy are answering the phone]
Andy: What? The winner of what?! $14,000,000!?!?! Well, no, thank you. We cannot count that high. [they both hang up]
Clifford: Man, you pigs are stupid! I can't believe that you just turned down $14,000,000!
Andy: Oh, we didn't. It was for you.
Clifford: Man, that Sandra Bullock is cute, isn't she?
Bobo: Well, I dunno, she's not my type. Not enough fat on her, you know? Yeah, she'll never make it through the winter, that's for sure.
[The phone rings]
Bobo: [answers the phone] Homicide, how can I help you?
Mad Bomber: Alright, man. Listen and listen good.
Bobo: Okay.
Mad Bomber: There's a bomb in your studio.
Bobo: Oh, I know: I read this week's script too. [laughs] Have, have a good day, sir! [puts phone down. The mad bomber tries again]
Mad Bomber: Don't hang up again!!!
Bobo: Ok, whatever you say, sir:
Mad Bomber: Now, listen to me, and listen carefully!
Bobo: Ok.
Mad Bomber: I have something very important to tell you!
Bobo: Oh, ah, eh, Should I write this down?
Mad Bomber: Yes, it's important!
Bobo: Okay, eh, well, I'm gonna need to put you on hold, sir. I need to find a pencil.
Mad Bomber: Hey, no! [gets put on hold while listening to the tune of "The Rainbow Connection"] D'oh!
Clifford: How am I gonna keep the ratings above 50?
Rizzo: Well, first off, you gotta get rid of this act. Ugh!
[Shows two Muppets with flat faces banging their heads against anvils to the music of the Anvil Chorus]
Clifford: Aw, man!
[Seinfeld Babies]
Jerry: I don't understand the concept of changin. Why do they call it changing? My parents say they gonna change me, but then after they do, I'm exactly the same!
[A bomb will explode if ratings drop below 50]
Seymour: Hey, hey, hey, put us on, we've got an act!
Rizzo: Are we that desperate?
Rizzo and Gonzo: Yes, go, go, go, come on!
Pepe: Hahahah, Richard...
[Seymour and Pepe perform their song for the first time on the air]
Seymour: I'm Seymour.
Pepe: I'm Pepe.
Seymour and Pepe: We're two of a kind.
Pepe: I'm a little bit forward,
Seymour: and I've got a big behind.
Pepe: Hey, Seymour, what do you get if you cross an elephant with a rhino?
Seymour: Gee, Pepe, I don't know.
Pepe: Ela-if I-know.
[Even the laugh track didn't think that was funny]

Jason Alexander [1.8]

[edit]
[Jason Alexander as Hercule Poirot in Murder on the Disoriented Express]
Announcer: And now, Muppet Masterpiece Mystery Movie presents Jason Alexander as Hercule Poirot, in Murder on the Disoriented Express.
[The room was dark, and the gunshot was heard]
Mr. Poodlepants: Help, help! I've been murderized!
[The lights come on, and other Muppets come to his aid]
Kermit: Oh, no! Oh, my goodness! Someone has killed Mr. Poodlepants!
Mr. Poodlepants: [rising] Well, I'm not really hurt, you know. I mean, this is a family show. They wouldn't really-
Bobo: [shutting his mouth] SHHH!!! You're ruining the scene now. Go down, go down. [lowering him down]
Bunsen: Oh dear, it's a murder! What do we do?
Kermit: There's only one detective who can solve this crime, and he's on board our train, folks! Ladies and gentleman, I present Monsieur Hercules Poirot!
[Hercule enters]
Jason as Hercule Poirot: [in his French accent] Everyone, please take your seats. Nobody move! Please be seated. Touch nothing! Sit, sit, sit. And, er, by the way, it is not Hercules, it is Hercule, Mm, mm. Now, I would like to begin my investigation, by asking a few questions.
Bobo: Oh, er, I have a question there, Hercules. Er, are you gonna use your superstrength to lift up the train and shake out the clues?
Jason as Hercule Poirot: Now, listen carefully. You are thinking of Hercules, an ancient demigod from Greek mythology. I am Hercule Poirot, a fictional Belgian detective.
Fozzie: But, but how do you hide your rippling muscles under that puny little waist coat.
Jason as Hercule Poirot: I do not think it is possible to overemphasize what I am about to say. I am not Hercules.
Fozzie: Oh, I get it. He's working under cover.
Bobo: Shht. Don't get him mad! He'll rip up the train tracks and tie 'em around your neck!
Jason as Hercule Poirot: [grabbing Bobo's collar] Yes. I might, if I was HercuLES, which I am NOT! Now, if I may proceed with my investigation.
Bunsen: Yes, yes, yes, please everyone, let him proceed with his investigation.
Jason as Hercule Poirot: Ah, merci, merci. At last, someone with a little intelligence.
Bunsen: What are you going to do first? Fly around the earth backwards, so you can reverse time and discover who really did it?
Jason: [normal voice] Alright, first of all, I am not Hercules. Second of all, you are thinking of Superman, and not Hercules! And third of all, you cannot reverse time by flying backwards around the Earth! I myself had a little problem with the logic in that part of the film.
Mr. Poodlepants: Jason, please, you're breaking character.
Jason: I'm breaking character? You're supposed to be DEAD! [pokes him in the eyes] This clown thinks I'm Superman, and the rest of these chuckleheads think I'm Hercules!! Alright, that's it! I've had it. You people are not professionals. You are not artists! If you want to see what great theater is really all about, watch my finale. In the meantime, I am outta here. WHOA!!! [falls off the train]
Fozzie: I guess he's not as powerful as a locomotive. [honks his horn]

Whoopi Goldberg [1.9]

[edit]
[From the files of Fairyland PD]
Officer Al: Some broad named Locks, Goldie Locks, she has barricaded herself in the three bears' house, and she got demands.
Detective Bobo: What kinda demands?
Officer Al: They keep changin', sometimes the porridge is too hot, then it's too cold, the bed's too hard, the bed's too soft, you know how it is with dames!
[...]
Detective Bobo: [after Goldie Locks hits him on the head with a frying pan] I think this calls for a little undercover work. [Puts on glasses] Yeah.
Clifford: Oh, no, Bobo, she'll never fall for that cheap disguise.
Detective Bobo: We'll see. Yoohoo, miss Locks!
Goldie Locks: Say, er, you're not the bear that was here before, you're a... completely different bear.
Detective Bobo: That's right!
Goldie Locks: I'll be right back.
Detective Bobo: [singing] I told you, I told you!
Goldie Locks: Oh, yoohoo, oh, completely different bear!
Detective Bobo: Yes? [Goldie hits him on the head with a frying pan] Ow, ow, argh!
Clifford: [singing] I told you, I told you, I told you!
[Miss Piggy is delayed]
Clifford:Heh, heh, man, Whoopi's doing great! She's killing them out there!
Zippety: My baby!
Clifford: We may not even need Miss Piggy for the final number.
Rizzo the Rat: Let's just hope Miss Piggy doesn't figure that out.
[Cut to Miss Piggy in limo]
Miss Piggy: Whoopi's doing great, she's killing them out there! They may not even need me for the final number. Oh, I just hope that Clifford doesn't figure that out.

Season Two

[edit]

The Artist Formerly Known As Prince [1.1]

[edit]
[Prince tries to get by Bobo, the security guard]
Bobo the Bear: Ahuh, and your name, sir?
TAFKAP: [sideways into the camera] Ah, this is going to be fun! [to Bobo] I'm The Artist Formerly Known As Prince.
Bobo the Bear: Oooo, and I am The Bear Currently Known As Not Amused!
[...]
Bobo the Bear: Now, er, how would your name appear on my list here?
TAFKAP: [shows The Symbol] like this!
Bobo the Bear: Ooh, ok, Dr. Rorschach, I'll play along. I see my mother and a butterfly doing a mambo on an orange.
TAFKAP: Just check the list, fool!
Bobo the Bear: Pretty mouthy for a guy with no name.
[The crew just performed Delerious for Prince]
TAFKAP: That's wonderful, but I ain't into the leather and lace look much anymore, guys
Gonzo the Great: Oh, good, 'cause this bustier is killing me, heheh.
[...]
TAFKAP: By the way, Gonzo. You are definitely workin' these pumps 'n fishnets.
[Clifford introduces the guest star]
Clifford: ..., an incredible performer, and the most unusual name in show business, right here. [shows The Symbol]
Bobo the Bear: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, how many drawings of my mother are out there?

Heather Locklear [1.3]

[edit]
Narrator: Muppets Tonight presents: The Hardy Pigboys in the Mystery of the Zombiequeen of the Amazon Outerspace Jungle beewoman case... Based on a novel by Jane Austen... Argh, who wrote this?
Andy & Randy: Eh, we did! ... Here we are. Andy 'n Randy Hardy Pigboys... Us, junior spaceboy-pigdetectives, marooned on a straaange planet! Because we are here to solve a mys-te-ry!
Bee Soldier: Zzzzzzzzz! Erm. Who are you?
Andy & Randy: This mystery is too hard!
[21 Muppet heights - a soap opera with Johnny Fiama as Clark Barr, Sal as Chaz and Heather Locklear as Diamanda]
Clark Barr: Well well well, Chaz, what are you doing here? Where is Diamanda? Where is she?
Chaz: She's in the bedroom and she won't come out, Johhny!
Clark Barr: Mmmm. ... [with teeth tight] It's not Johnny, it's Clark, Chaz!
Chaz: Okay, Clark Chaz.
Clark Barr: No, no, no, you, you're Chaz, I'm Clark - Clark Barr.
Chaz: Clark bar, mmmmm! Clark bar like the candy?
Clark Barr: What you talkin' about? It's my na... Oh right, forget about it, just do your lines, Sal!
Chaz: Ok Johhny. I mean Clark - Chaz, I m... Clark. ... er
Clark Barr: Where was I? Where was I? Oh yes, yes, yes! Ha ha! Oh, I can't believe this, me the most powerful lawyer in 21 Muppet Heights, and you [disbelief is apparent] a successful male supermodel, here we are, both being taken advantage of by Diamanda. Come out, come out, Diamanda, and let the world see the evil side of womanhood!
Diamanda: Hey guys! Look, I've knitted mittens! For everyone!
Clark Barr: Mittens?

James Bond (Pierce Brosnan) [1.4]

[edit]
Bunsen: Let's go over some of the equipment you'll be needing to host the show this evening, mister Bond.
007: Thank you, Bunsen, but, er... I'm not really James Bond, I'm just... Pierce Brosnan, Heh!
Bunsen: Oooh, Whatever you say, 007, wink, wink!
Beaker: Wink, wink, wink!
Bunsen: Over here, I like to show you, this: which call this our "Deadly Alarm Clock".
007: I see! And how 'oes that work?
Bunsen: Well we put it in a great big slingshot and fire it point blank at somebodies head. It really hurts!
Clifford: Welcome to Muppets Tonight, the show that can be seen everywhere from Istanbul to Constantinople.
Rizzo: Clifford, haven't you heard? Istanbul is Constantinople!
Clifford: Wadda ya mean?
[Four rats pop up and sing a rendition of 'Istanbul (Not Constantinople)' by The Four Lads]
Rats: Istanbul was Constantinople.
Now it's Istanbul, not Constantinople.
Been a long time gone, Constantinople.
Why did Constantinople get the works?
That's nobody's business but the Turks!
Clifford: [Addressing the Audience] Excuse me while I see what we have in our vast reservoir of talent. Later! [Walks off to meet Rizzo] Yo, Riz, Riz! What ya got for me?
Rizzo: Well, I'm afraid our vast reservoir is more like a vast desert. All we got is dancing grandmas!
Clifford: Oah, that doesn't sound good!
Rizzo: It's either that or Seymore and Pepe doing German opera.
[Seymour and Pepe do their song]
Seymour: Hi, there!
Pepe: Ah, Aah!
Seymour: I'm Tristan.
Pepe:I'm Isolde.
Together: We're two of a kind!
Pepe: We both wear lederhosen,
Seymour: and go swimming up the Rhine.
Together: Tadaa!
Clifford: I'll go and introduce the grandmas.
Rizzo: Yeah.
[Waldorf and Statler watch The Dancing Grandmas]
Statler: Woo-Wooh! Look at her shake that thing!
Waldorf: And what thing is that?
Statler: [pause] I don't remember! [both laugh]
Clifford: Yo, yo, yo, Pierce, where-a ya been, man? We need you for the spy-in-the-casino sketch.
007: Oh, good, good, good! What does that involve?
Clifford: You know... the usual! Where the spy has a fight scene, dances with beautiful women, gets tortured and saves the day!
007: [pauses for a moment while staring blankly] And what do I do?
Clifford: That is what you'll be doing, man, just like in your movies.
007: But Clifford, this is live television. In the movies we plan everything and we do it over and over again until we get it right. I mean: we have stunt-men and special effects and we go to exotic locations like... Istanbul and... Constantinople.
[The Four rats pop up again.]
Rats: Now every gal in Constantinople,
lives in Istanbul, not Constantinople,
so if you've a date, in Constantinople,
she'll be waiting in Istanbul!
007: You know Clifford, that annoying and repetitive rat-song, has given me time to think: I'll do the sketch!
[James Bond meets the bad guy in the casino]
007: Hey Blowfish, you up to your old tricks of playing pinochle again, hey?
Blowfish: It's blackjack, you fool!
007: So, changed your name to Black Jack? Very clever! But I still recognize you!
[...]
MC: [French accent] Ladies and gentleman, The Maman Casino is proud to present the song stylings of... Miss Porky Galore!
[Swift Wits, the fastest game-show on earth. Hosted by Nookie Blier]
Nookie Blier: Here is today's contestant, mister Arthur Model. I understand you have a very interesting story about the time you had a sea cruise with the Dalai Lama?
Arthur Model: Yes, Nookie, you see: we were a...
Nookie Blier: Ahah. Okay Arthur. I said you have a interesting story. I didn't say that I wanted to hear it!
[The Rock Lobsters enter the KMUP building and encounter Bobo the Security Bear, who is on the phone]
Band leader: After we do our number, we take over the studio and make our demands!
Drummer: Okay!
Bobo: Hey, hey, hey, hey!! What are you guys doing here?
Band leader: Eh, we're the Rock Lobsters, we're here to do our big Rock Lobster song on the show.
Drummer: Yeah, and then we're gonna take over the studio!
Band leader: [to drummer] Sssht, Chatterhead! [to Bobo] He was talking about how, how bears will believe anything you tell 'em.
Bobo: [laughs] You got that right! Ah, have a good day, fellows!
[007 juggles with Andy and Randy Pig.]
007: Coming at you Nancy, coming at you Clancy! [Throws clubs at the Pigs]
Andy: [As clubs hit them on the head] Aw! We should have found out what juggling is. Aw!
007: There we go. Coming at you. Don't lose interest.
Randy: Aw. Why is he hitting us?
Andy and Randy: This job is too hard!
Statler: Well, I guess you gotta take the bad with the good.
Waldorf: Yeah, but I'm still waiting for the good! [both laugh]
[The Rock Lobsters are nearing the end of their song.]
Clifford: [to Rizzo] Figure those lobsters out there: aren't they cute? With their little lobster outfits, their little lobster guitars and their little lobster semi-automatic weapons.
[Rizzo and Clifford both laugh, until it hits them]
[Cut to stage]
Band leader: [Interspersed with enthusiastic support from his peers] Keep that camera turned on me, or we will shoot you! Shellfish of the world, unite! We, the Crustacean Liberation Army, are taking over the Muppet Studios! Here we will announce our plans for world domination. Here are our demands: First, that from now on, when someone's in bad mood, no-more calling them 'crabs'. Second: when someone is short, no-more calling them 'shrimps'.
Drummer: [Freaking out] Yeah, because that's one thing that really burns us.
Band leader: Take it easy, Ed. [Ed calms] Third: No more movies based on old tv shows.
Drummer: Yeah! Yeah, yeah, that's right! But... wait a minute, what's that got to do with shellfish?
Band leader: Nothing. It's for the benefit of all mankind!
[Cut to backstage]
Clifford: Well, You got to agree with them on that one!
Band leader: [still making fierce demands] ...demand number 49: 'Istanbul should be changed back to Constantinople'.
[The four rats pop up and sing their song again]
Rats: So take me back to Constantinople.
No, you can't go back to Constantinople.
Been a long time gone, Constantinople.
Why did Constantinople get the works?
That's nobody's business but the Turks! Hey!!
Band leader: All right, so it wasn't a real demand, I just wanted to hear that song again! Anyway, until our demands are met, we rule the airwaves! We will control the entertainment on this show! We will put on what we wanna see! Men, what do we wanna see? [they discuss it amongst themselves] You're kidding me! Sure? [the men agree] Right then, we choose to put on... The Dancing Grandmas!!
Statler: Boy, watching these grandmas has me feeling something I haven't felt in years.
Waldorf: What's that?
Statler: My pulse! [Both laugh]
[After five minutes, the demands have still not been met]
Band leader: Alright, it's been five minutes and I can see our demands aren't going to be met- Agnes, when I get home, I don't wanna hear you say 'I told you so!'. Now, to show you serious we are: Bring out the hostages! Heheheheh!
[Seymour and Pepe are being brought in, begging for mercy"]
Band leader: So, how does it feel now that you're about to be sacrificed, big-shot-capitalistic entertainers? Let's hear you sing now."
Seymour and Pepe: "Okay."
[Seymour and pepe perform their song for the second time ever on the air]
Pepe: Heheheh!
Seymour: I'm Seymour.
Pepe: I'm Pepe.
Seymour and Pepe: We're two of a kind.
Pepe: We're about to be sacrificed,
Seymour: and I've got a big behind?
Pepe: [to the lobsters] If we only had a little more time to prepare, okay. [Seymour agrees]
Band leader: Silence! Take 'em away before they sing again!
007: [Infiltrating the CLA] The name's Prawn, James Prawn!
007: Don't you think you're being a little...shellfish?
Band Leader: I am a little shellfish! Oh, I get it, it's a pun! Wait a second...crustaceans don't make puns!
Band Member: Yeah, you're no prawn!
Band Leader: Get him boys!
0007: Ok, your time's up! This is it! [hits the Band Leader with the 'Deadly Alarm Clock] You have really ticked me off now!

Coolio and Don Rickles [1.5]

[edit]
Cheerleaders: [Cheering] Grouper, grouper, give a shout,
he's the guy that buys you out
Goooo Grouper.
Kermit the Frog: Excuse me, but who are you?
Cheerleaders: We're the corporate majorettes. [One bimbo punches Kermit in the face]
Kermit the Frog: What did you do that for?
Bimbo: This is a hostile make-over.
Ernst Stavros Grouper: [Entering] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! That is take-over, you bubblehead! Now get back to the limo. I don't know why I made them senior executive vice-presidents.
Clifford and Kermit: Woof!!
Ernst Stavros Grouper: Ah, now I remember.
Kermit the Frog: Excuse me, but what are you doing to my office?
Ernst Stavros Grouper: It's not your office anymore. Now that I'm in charge, there will be lots of changes, Virgil.
Kermit the Frog: Er, my name is Kermit.
Ernst Stavros Grouper: That's one of the changes, from now on you are Virgil the Monkey.
Ernst Stavros Grouper: [upon seeing the Two Homies of Verona] This is trash. There is only one way I can see to improve it, and that's not to see it at all!
Kermit the Frog: That's not very nice.
Ernst Stavros Grouper: No, this is not very nice: Beavis, intimidate them!
Kermit the Frog: Hello everyone, Kermit the Fr... [Ernst Stavros Grouper coughs] Virgil the Monkey here.
Ernst Stavros Grouper: Make the noise
Kermit the Frog: Ee, ee, ee, oo, oo, oo. O.
Ernst Stavros Grouper: I love this little monkey.
Kermit the Frog: Anyway: I want to introduce you to the new owner of our station, Mr. Ernst Stavros Grouper.
Ernst Stavros Grouper: Now, as your new owner I would like to get to know each of you by name: Who are you?
Rizzo the Rat: Well, I'm Rizzo the Rat
Ernst Stavros Grouper: Not anymore, now you're Alfred the Worm!
Rizzo the Rat: What the...?
Ernst Stavros Grouper: And you: Who are you?
Bobo the Bear: Err, I'm Bobo the Bear.
Ernst Stavros Grouper: Not anymore, now... you're... Whitley Nibbles the Television Elf.
Bobo the Bear: Alright.
Ernst Stavros Grouper: And, er, let's see, who, who are you?
Bill the Bubbleguy: Well, I'm, err,... Bob, and, Err,... raisins come out of my Ears.
Ernst Stavros Grouper: No, you are Bill, and bubbles come out of your head.
Bill the Bubbleguy: It worked! YES!
Ernst Stavros Grouper: Now, now, now. There will be a few more changes. Number One: Yellow will be known as the official color of naughtiness. Number two: I expect you all to anticipate my needs before they are spoken.
Rizzo the Rat: Number three.
Ernst Stavros Grouper: Very good, Alfred, my obsiquious little worm.
Kermit the Frog: Err, Mr. Grouper?
Ernst Stavros Grouper: Yes, my little funky monkey.
Kermit the Frog: I am a frog, I am not a monkey.
Ernst Stavros Grouper: Yes, and the Elephant Man is a human being, what else is new?
Kermit the Frog: Well, I tell you what's new. Just because you bought the company, it does not give you the right to come in here and push the Muppets around.
Ernst Stavros Grouper: What are you saying Virgil?!
Kermit the Frog: I tell you what I'm saying: if the Muppets can't be who the Muppets are, then I quit, Grouper, I quit, quit, quit!
Ernst Stavros Grouper: [sweet] Virgil, Virgil, my spunky little funky monkey, you cannot quit.
Kermit the Frog: Why is that?
Ernst Stavros Grouper: BECAUSE YOU'RE FIRED!! Muhahahaha!

Dennis Quaid [1.7]

[edit]
[Clifford is depressed because Dennis Quaid is good at everything]
Bobo the Bear: [to Clifford] Oh, oh, oh, well: Dennis Quaid is doing great! Yeah yeah, you know: you guys really ought to do this show together, you know, well, we can call it the, er, the Dennis Quaid and Clifford Muppet Good Time Hour Featuring Dennis Quaid! Huhhuh, haa!

Daryl Hannah [1.12]

[edit]
Sal Minella: Hey, Johnny, I just met this girl at the studio next door, and we're going out tonight! And get this, get this: she's got a sister!
Johnny Fiama: No, no Sal, forget it. No, no, no! I've been on your monkey double dates before, and they spend the entire evening trying to pick bugs outta my hair.
Sal Minella: Oh, come on, come on, Johnny, just meet them.
Johnny Fiama: No, absofalutely not.
[The Real World Muppets]
Darci: [singing to Clifford] I hate men, I hate men, all men should die, death to al men, [to Rizzo the Rat] I hate rats too. [not singing] So what'ya think?
Rizzo the Rat: [confessional] Mmmm. What could we do? We had to tell her her song was great. she threatened to read us her poetry!
Darci: [singing to Bobo the Bear] Bears are killers, killers of sheep, killers of Bambi, bears should all die. Kill them, kill them. [not singing] So, what'ya think?
Bobo the Bear: Er, it's a little, little, little one-sided.
Darci: So, is it because I'm a woman, I'm not supposed to express my opinions?
Bobo the Bear: Oh, oh, no, no, we, er, it's, er, it's easy to dance to.
Darci: So, that's more like it.
Bobo the Bear: Oh, good, Well, Will you give me the keys to the fridge now, Darci?
[...]
Darci: ...we worked it out. Like all good roommates we came to a compromise.
Clifford, Bobo and Rizzo: [singing to Darci] We hate angry women, who write songs, who hate men,
Rizzo the Rat: One, two!
Clifford, Bobo and Rizzo: and who were raised by wolves.
Johnny Fiama: That's it, Ma! That's it! I've had enough to hear! That's the last straw! And you know what?! You're in denial! Not me! And I'm moving out of this house!
Mama Fiama: Wait, Johnny! Is something wrong?
Johnny Fiama: You're crazy! That's what's wrong! And I'm never coming back, Ma! Never coming back!
Mama Fiama: No! Wait! Wait, Johnny! My Johnny!
Johnny Fiama: And you know what else?! A great walkaway!!

Statler and Waldorf

[edit]
[Watching Bay of Pigswatch]
Waldorf: Nurse, there's something wrong with this TV!
Statler: What's that?
Waldorf: It's on!
[They laugh]
[Watching Miss Piggy and Michelle fight]
Statler: I told you this show was a bomb! [A cannonball fires onto their nurse] What was that?
Waldorf: I think our medication just kicked in!
[They laugh]
Statler: Nurse, I'll have some of that!
[They laugh some more]
[Watching a Shakespeare act go awry]
Statler: Shakespeare would've hated that.
Waldorf: You should know. You've dated his sister!
[They laugh]
Statler: Boy, was she ugly.
[Watching Garth Brooks perform If I Were a Rich Man]
Statler: What would you do if you were a rich man?
Waldorf: I'd buy the network and cancel this show!
[They laugh]
Statler: There's a lot to be said for this program.
Waldorf: Too bad you can't say it on a family show.
[They laugh]
[Watching a City Slickers parody]
Statler: That bit was breathtaking.
Waldorf: Careful! You may not have too many left!
[They laugh]
Statler: Nurse! My medication! Get my nitroglycerin!
(A nurse comes in with a bomb and blows up Statler]
Waldorf: I'll just have a glass of warm milk.
[Watching Gonzo and Rizzo's Incredible Discoveries]
Statler: Hey, I've got an incredible discovery.
Waldorf: What's that?
Statler: When you watch this show...
Both: It hurts!
[They laugh]
[Watching The Lunarmooners]
Statler: Well, there you go. There's nothing like good comedy.
Waldorf: Nothing like it on this show!
[They laugh]
[Clifford is introducing the show]
Clifford: Welcome to Muppets Tonight, the show that has people all over the country saying...
[Cut to Statler and Waldorf]
Statler and Waldorf: Where's the remote?!
[Watching a group of rats and cheese performing]
Waldorf: You know, they're calling this show a runaway hit.
Statler: Yeah. Whenever it comes on, you'd wanna run away!
[They laugh]
[Watching Kermit and Tony Bennett perform Firefly]
Statler: What's the name of that famous song Tony Bennett sings?
Waldorf: "I Left My Heart In San Francisco".
Statler: Big deal! I left my teeth in Minneapolis!
[They laugh]
[Finishing watching Tony Benett and Johnny Fiama perform)
Waldorf: Thank goodness the show's almost over.
Statler: So, what happened to that blue freak on the missile?
[Gonzo suddenly flies in on a rocket]
Waldorf: Whoa! Is he alright?
Statler: I don't know. I'll check his bolts.
Waldorf: If he's got one, I'll split it with you.
[They laugh. Gonzo gets back up]
Gonzo: [Dizzy] Did I clear the chickens?
[He falls to the ground again. Statler and Waldorf continue to laugh]
[Watching Seinfield Babies]
Statler: You know, this show really improves with age.
Waldorf: Why? Because the jokes get better?
Statler: No, because my hearing gets worse!
[They laugh]
[Watching the Muppets run past them in front of the TV]
Statler: What the...?
Waldorf: How come that never happens when we're watching The Hot Bodies Bikini Contest?
[They laugh]
[Watching Animal perform]
Statler: This show's off to a fast start.
Waldorf: Good. Maybe it'll end quicker!
[They laugh]
[Watching Miss Piggy and Jason Alexander perform]
Statler: That last number was a real showstopper.
Waldorf: Too bad it didn't stop this show!
[They laugh]
[Watching the end of the show]
Statler: That was a great program! I would've only changed one thing.
Waldorf: What's that?
Statler: The channel!
[They laugh]
[The show is on a big screen in a building in Times Square, New York. Statler and Waldorf, who are walking by, see the screen]
Statler: Hey! Waldorf, look at that! The show is ten times as big!
Waldorf: Yeah. Too bad it's one tenth as funny!
[They laugh]
Statler: Let's see what else is on. Hand me that remote.
[Waldorf brings out a remote so large that it is too heavy for them to lift]
Waldorf: Hey, it's big.
Statler: Hey! Careful!
[The remote falls on top of them]
[Watching a black-and white skit at an outdoor café. Behind them, two girls walk to them]
Statler: Do you know what's sad?
Waldorf: What's that?
Statler: I can't think of anything I'd rather do than watch this dumb show.
Waldorf: Neither can I.
Girl #1: Hi, guys. Mind if we join you?
Statler and Waldorf: I just thought of something!
[They throw the portable TV away and offer the girls to their seats]
Waldorf: Here, sit down.
Statler: Yes, please.
Waldorf: Make yourself comfortable.
Statler: Look how nice you look today.
[Watching Lash Holstein: Space Cowdet at the outdoor café]
Statler: Boy, that show was BAD!
Waldorf: I wonder whatever happened to those cows.
Waiter: Here are your steaks. [He puts plates of steaks on the table]
Statler: No! It couldn't be!
Waldorf: Why not?
Statler: Because these are well done!
[They laugh]
[Clifford is introducing the show]
Clifford: Welcome to Muppets Tonight, the show that has people all over the country saying...
[Cut to Statler and Waldorf, where their TV is getting repossessed]
Waldorf: Get that thing out of there now!
[The repo men take the TV away]
Statler and Waldorf: Yay!
[The repo men return with the TV]
Statler: Hey! Why are you bringing that TV back?
Repo men: It's from the Muppets Tonight sweepstakes.
Waldorf: We won?
Statler: No. We lost!
[They laugh]
[Watching the Dancing Grandmas]
Statler: Whoo-whoo! Look at her shake that thing!
Waldorf: What thing is that?
Statler: I don't remember.
[They laugh]
[Watching Andy and Randy Pig fight Pierce Brosnan]
Statler: I guess you got to take the good with the bad.
Waldorf: Yeah, but I'm so waiting for the good.
[They laugh]
[Still watching the Dancing Grandmas]
Statler: Boy, watching these grandmas has made me feel something I haven't felt in years.
Waldorf: What's that?
Statler: My pulse!
[They laugh]
[Watching a movie trailer at a bar]
Statler: Hm, I'd give that movie four stars.
Waldorf: Why is that?
Statler: Because the two that are in it now stink! [They laugh] Hey, bartender! More pigs knuckles.
Pig bartender: Okay, coming right up.
[He punches Statler in the face]
Waldorf: Uh, I'll just have the pickled egg.
Pig bartender: All right.
[He brings out an egg with a face]
Egg: I love you, two old guys!
[He falls down to the ground]
Statler: Poor guy cracked up!
[They laugh]
[Watching the show struggle without Kermit at the bar]
Statler: Now I've seen everything.
Waldorf: Good. Does that mean we can stop watching?
[They laugh. Statler sees Kermit, who is now a bartender]
Statler: Hey, bartender! Didn't you used to be...?
Kermit: Well, yeah, but a guy's gotta work, you know?
Waldorf: Not if he's smart, he doesn't.
[They laugh]
[Watching An Editorial Message from Sam the Eagle]
Statler: What did you think of that sketch?
Waldorf: Well, it was better than getting hit in the head by a two-by-four.
Statler: No, it wasn't!
Waldorf: Yeah, you're right. Hit me again!
[A nurse comes and hits Waldorf in the face with a stick. Statler laughs]
[Watching a robot Abraham Lincoln beating up Beaker]
Waldorf: Did you see that stiff, lifeless, robotic acting?
Statler: By Lincoln?
Waldorf: No, by the rest of the cast! [They laugh] Actually, I like Lincoln.
Statler: You should like him. You voted for him!
[They laugh again]
[Watching Gonzo's Dancing With Myself number on a portable TV on a golf car]
Statler: Hey, Waldorf, I think the TV's on the fritz. I'm seeing double Gonzos!
[Camera moves left to reveal Waldorf has Gonzo's head and face on his body]
Waldorf: Only double? You should be seeing a lot more than that!
[They laugh]
[Watching a Dragonheart screen test with Dennis Quaid on the portable TV on the golf car]
Statler: You know, when I watch this show, I find myself counting the minutes until it's over.
Waldorf: Really? How many are left?
Statler: Fore! [A golf ball hits Waldorf in the head. Statler laughs] I love that joke!
[Watching the opening at a spa and cafe]
Clifford: Due to a slight guest-star situation, Muppets Tonight has been pre-empted.
Statler and Waldorf: Yay!
Clifford: I'm not finished.
Statler and Waldorf: Oh!
Clifford: Until we get a new guest star.
[Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, Beaker, Statler and Waldorf are relaxing near a large pool]
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: Well, Beaky, Kathy Ireland's first theory of guest-star attraction is flawed. We've been out in bikinis all day and nobody's paid any attention to us.
Statler: Maybe you should trade up to a one piece!
Waldorf: Yeah! Worked for us!
[They laugh]
[Gonzo and Rizzo, having just hosted a clip show called "The Best of Muppets Tonight", are about to leave when they see Statler and Waldorf with a TV camera]
Gonzo: What are you two doing here?
Statler: Well, we just finished broadcasting our own show called, "The Worst of Muppets Tonight".
Rizzo: Really? What did you show?
Waldorf: The same thing you did!
[They laugh]
[Watching Gonzo's Lowerpalooza Festival at a skiing chairlift]
Statler: This show's a lot like skiing.
Waldorf: How's that?
Statler: Cause it's going downhill fast!
[They laugh]
[Watching The Johnny Fiama Show at the skiing chairlift]
Statler: Boy, I'm sure glad we're up here.
Waldorf: Why is that?
Statler: Because after seeing that, I really need a lift!
[They laugh]
Waldorf: We're going to go out on that joke?
Statler: No, we're going out on this one! [Pushes Waldorf off of the chairlift, causing Waldorf to fall] That looks like fun.
[Watching Kermit and Miss Piggy tap-dance on TV on a cruise ship]
Statler: Um, I'm feeling a little nauseated.
Waldorf: Is it because of the motion of the boat?
Statler: No, it is because of the jokes on the show!
[They laugh]
[Watching The Real World: Muppets]
Statler: You know, this show reminds me of a 25-cent cigar.
Waldorf: Oh, yeah? Why is that?
Statler: Because it's cheap and it stinks!
[They laugh]
[Watching Bay of Pigswatch]
Waldorf: You know, this show reminds me of a glass of expensive brandy.
Statler: Why is that?
Waldorf: Because it's old and it makes my head hurt!
[They laugh]
[edit]

Returning Muppets

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New Muppets

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Wikipedia
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