The Muppet Show

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Muppet Show (1976–1981) was the brainchild of Jim Henson, and featured The Muppets, a group of puppets and costumed characters. The general set up was a "live" variety show hosted by Kermit the Frog. Each episode featured several "on stage" sketches, usually starring the week's guest star, interspersed with backstage scenes.

Season 1 (1976-1977)[edit]

Juliet Prowse[edit]

Waldorf: That's one of the reasons I always thought the Muppets are weird. They think explosions are funny. Explosions aren't funny.
[Statler's cigar explodes.]
Waldorf: ...although, some of them are really quite droll.
Statler: You old foll.

Kermit: [after Juliet called him "the Robert Redford of frogs"] You're gonna be coming back on this show a LOT! I mean it.

Waldorf: Yeah, whadya think?
Statler: Beats sitting home watching television.
Mahna Mahna: Mahna Mahna!

Connie Stevens/Bert and Ernie [1.02][edit]

Bert: Ernie... did I make a complete fool of myself?
Ernie: [patting Bert's shoulder] Absolutely, Bert.

Statler: Hm. Do you think this show is educational?
Waldorf: Yes. It'll drive people to read books.

Joel Grey [1.03][edit]

Fozzie: Bug off? What kind of joke was that?
Kermit: That was no joke, Fozzie.
Fozzie: That was my wife!

Waldorf: More! More!
Statler: No, not so loud: they may hear you!

Ruth Buzzi [1.04][edit]

Robot Kermit: Hey, listen, how about you, and me getting together, and making some steam heat. Huh, snuggle bunny?
Miss Piggy: Snuggle bunny? Why, uh...
Robot Kermit: Yeah. Look, let me take you away from all this. Ah, a marriage made in heaven! A frog and a pig. And we can have bouncing baby figs!

Statler: Well, did you like the show?
Waldorf: No I didn't. No I didn't. No I didn't.

Rita Moreno [1.05][edit]

Dancer: I hear you come from a broken home.
Animal: Yeah, I broke it myself!

Waldorf: Yes, uh, well, uhn-huh. I still couldn't find the chewing gum.

Jim Nabors [1.06][edit]

Kermit: Your salary is 20 a week.
Scooter: Could you make it 25?
Kermit: Are you kidding? I can't afford it!
Scooter: Gee, my uncle will be really disappointed.
Kermit: How about 30?

Waldorf: Pay up, they made it through another one.
Statler: Double or nothing on next week's show?
Waldorf: You're on.

Florence Henderson [1.07][edit]

Kermit: Can we get back to the subject at hand... Florence?
Florence: Well, there's no question in my mind!
Kermit: [after a pause] As to what?
Florence: Nothing! There's no question in my mind! Ha ha! No answers either.

Paul Williams [1.08][edit]

Janice: That man is annoying me.
Zoot: He isn't even looking at you.
Janice: That's what's annoying me.

Charles Aznavour [1.09][edit]

Gonzo: Hey, Kermit, are you busy?
Kermit: Yes, Gonzo, but I can give you my ear for a minute.
Gonzo: What would I do with your ear?
Kermit: [exasperated] Van Gogh impressions.

Gonzo: You'll all see because there's only one Great Gonzo, only one!
Kermit: Thank goodness for that.

Dr Bob: This is D for Doc B for Bob saying turn off the Joy Juice [laughs then puts gas mask to his left ear] Hmm? [speaks into it] Ten-Roger, OK where were we? Pulse?
Nurse Piggy: [checks pulse and gasps] No pulse, Dr. Bob.
Dr Bob: Hmmm, Heartbeat?
Nurse Janice: [checks heartbeat] No heartbeat, Dr. Bob.
Dr Bob: No pulse, no heartbeat, no use. He's gone!
Nurse Janice: And Dr Bob your record was so good, you saved nine out of ten.
Dr Bob: My record is still good, this week he was ten.
Announcer: And so Dr Bob's record is still good, it is top on the medical fame, with a bullet, tune in next when we will hear nurse Piggy say...
Nurse Piggy: I hope nobody hears about this Dr. Bob.
Dr Bob: At least he won't say anything, hahaha!
Nurse Piggy: I get it! haha! I get it! (laughs with him)

Harvey Korman [1.10][edit]

Harvey Korman: [as Maurice the Magnificent] Speak. Speak you demon, SPEAK!
Thog: [gulps] I hardly know where to begin.

Lena Horne [1.11][edit]

Kermit: Well, Piggy, sometimes, the truth hurts.
Miss Piggy: Hurt? I'll show you hurt, Kermie!

Peter Ustinov [1.12][edit]

Kermit: Okay, okay, good bit, good bit, good ending, and sorry about the head.

Bruce Forsyth [1.13][edit]

Fozzie: My cousin is so dumb, he thinks eggs Benedict is a Mafia gangster!
Kermit: I've seen cheeseburgers funnier than that!

Sandy Duncan [1.14][edit]

Kermit: ...and so, that means our show tonight will be a real bang up affar-
Crazy Harry: Did somebody say bang?
Kermit: Uh, no. [Gets blown into Statler and Waldorf's box]

Fozzie: Would you lend me a fiver till pay day? I gotta pay my writer, the legendary 'Gags' Beasley.
Kermit: The legendary 'Gags' comes pretty cheap, doesn't he?
Fozzie: Well, we worked out a great deal.
Kermit: You pay him by the line?
Fozzie: No, I pay him by the laugh.
Kermit: Oh, then he owes you money.

Candice Bergen [1.15][edit]

Miss Piggy: Kermit, dear, did you know that every time we have a beautiful girl on this show, you forget about me?
Kermit: Yeah, well, we could have a seal act on this show, Piggy, and I might forget about you.

Avery Schreiber [1.16][edit]

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: Think of the safety. Think of the sense of well-being. And, at last, your family can be protected from the heartbreak of gorilla invasion.

Ben Vereen [1.17][edit]

Nurse Piggy: It's too late, Dr. Bob. We've lost him.
Doctor Bob: Well, he couldn't have gone so far. He was under the sheet just a second ago.

Phyllis Diller [1.18][edit]

Rowlf the Dog: You think that's bad? For the first three months of my life there was a newspaper strike!

Vincent Price [1.19][edit]

Sam the Eagle: If you are like me, and you certainly must be, you are appalled and shocked at the weird, unnatural things going on tonight.
Kermit the Frog: This go-fer's about to become a gone-fer.

Valerie Harper [1.20][edit]

Kermit: That was great! And, you are just wonderful, Valerie! I tell you, you are going out on that stage a star, but you are gonna be coming back a chorus girl, right?

Twiggy [1.21][edit]

Scooter: I – I was just in my star's dressing room, and I saw the most ghoulish, fiendish-looking face in the closet!
Hilda: That was me, clown! And I was hanging up the wardrobe.

Uncle Deadly: I swore I would never perform here again, nor would anyone else. I will drive you all from this theatre. LEAVE OR BE DOOOOOOOOOMED! [He switches to a normal voice] Which way do I exit?

Ethel Merman [1.22][edit]

Miss Piggy: [giving Ethel roses] Miss Merman, from all of us, to you.
Ethel: Oh, how kind of you, Miss Piggy...they won't explode, will they?

Kaye Ballard [1.23][edit]

Floyd Pepper: Me and the gang have decided not to end our gig here.
Kermit: Oh, good!
Floyd Pepper: If...
Kermit: Uh-huh? If what?
Floyd Pepper: If I can write the new theme song.
Kermit: Oh! Oh, that'll be fine with me.
Floyd Pepper: No, it won't, man.
Kermit: Uh, why not?
Floyd Pepper: You'll hate my music! You won't understand it!
Kermit: Well, now listen here. I-I'm pretty hip too, you know.
Floyd Pepper: Not hip enough. Nobody understands my music. I mean, I don't even understand it.
Kermit: You don't?
Floyd Pepper: If I didn't know I was a genius, I wouldn't listen to the trash I write.

Mummenschanz [1.24][edit]

Gonzo: Oh, hold my hand, pig-of-my-dreams! Just touch me, oh, hog-of-my-heart!
Miss Piggy: Here's a touch for you, wimp-buzzard, HAI-YA!
Gonzo: [singing dazed] She touched me... She swung her porky pinkies and she touched me!

Kermit: Piggy, while I appreciate this offer of affection, I hope you will understand when I tell you, as usual, that I do not want you.
Gonzo: Oh, then can I have her?
Miss Piggy: HAI-YA! [standing between Kermit and Gonzo, she karate-chops both of them, one with each hand] That is known as getting two turkeys with one chop.

Season 2 (1977-1978)[edit]

Don Knotts [2.01][edit]

Statler: I know what is wrong, with this show, it's the theater!
Waldorf: What's wrong with it?
Statler: The seats face the stage!

Zero Mostel [2.02][edit]

Zero: I am not in my dressing room, eating! I am in my dressing room, being eaten!

Sam the Eagle: I think you know why I am here.
Kermit the Frog: Uh, actually, Sam, to tell you the truth, I've never known why you're here.

Milton Berle [2.03][edit]

Statler and Waldorf: Funny, Funny, FUNNY!
Milton Berle: Uh-Huh! Uh-Huh! I heard about them before, it's beginning. You're the two guys that I heard about that heckle from the box, huh? There they are ladies and gentlemen. Take a good look at them. Starski & Crutch. Now don't start with me boys, don't start...
Statler: Hey, Berle!
Milton Berle: What?
Statler: You know what? I've just figured out your style.
Milton Berle: Really?
Statler: You work like Gregory Peck.
Milton Berle: Gregory Peck's not a comedian.
Statler: Well?
Milton Berle: Now just a minute, please. I have been a successful comedian half of my life.
Waldorf: How come we got this half?
Milton Berle: Look, did you two come in here to be entertained or not?
Statler: That's right.
Milton Berle: What's right?
Statler: We came in here to be entertained, and we're not!
Milton Berle: Oh, yeah? I'd like to see you come down here and be funny.
Waldorf: You first!
Milton Berle: "Ha, ha, ha", the audience! "Ha, ha, ha"! Don't pay any attention to him, folks. He's the ninth child of a family of eight! Let me tell the story.
Statler: Hey, hey, Berle!
Milton Berle: Ohhh... Yeah, what is it? What is it?
Statler: You know what you're doing wrong?
Milton Berle: What'm I doing wrong?
Statler: You're standing too close to the audience.
Milton Berle: Oh, yeah? [steps back] How is this?
Statler: You're still too close.
Milton Berle: Oh, sorry. [steps back more] Is this okay?
Statler: No, a little more.
Milton Berle: How far back do you want me to go?
Statler: You got a car?
Milton Berle: Let me tell you something: If you don't stop, I'll have the usher throw you out!
Waldorf: He can't. He's too busy.
Milton Berle: Doing what?
Waldorf: Keeping people in!
Milton Berle: [to the audience] And you're encouraging them! That's what you're doing! [to Statler and Waldorf] You know, I got a good mind to punch you in your nose.
Waldorf: Please, not while I'm holding it.
Milton Berle: That's very funny.
Waldorf: Ah, you can use it.
Milton Berle: I don't need your material, pal. I got a million funny lines in the back of my head.
Statler: Yeah? How come they never reach your mouth?

Gonzo: Hey, how's it going, Mr. Berle?
Milton Berle: Oh, I'm gonna start with you, now. "How's it going?" It's going terribly. It's going -- these guys have been picking on me, insulting me, ever since I started.
Gonzo: Well, could I help you out?
Milton Berle: Please, huh?
Gonzo: Which way did you came in?
Milton Berle: [grabs Gonzo by the nose and pushes him aside] Get outta here! I've had it, I've had it! Here we go AGAIN!!

Rich Little [2.04][edit]

Kermit: A tap-dancing chicken act? Gonzo, I've never heard of anything as ridiculous as a dancing chicken.
Gonzo: How about a talking frog?

Judy Collins [2.05][edit]

J.P.: [on the phone] Yeah, well, sell the hotel on Pennsylvania Avenue, buy all your railroads, and don't forget the 200 dollars, and let him go straight to jail.

Sam the Eagle: [approaches the podium for the announcement] I just wanted to know that following that last piece of material, I am disassociating myself from this whole, weird, SICK show! [to somebody] What do I do? [leaves the podium]

Nancy Walker [2.06][edit]

Gonzo: Hey, Fozzie, what is on stage next?
Fozzie: I don't know, what's on stage now?
Gonzo: Nothing.

Kermit the Frog: Before we go, We will like to thank tonight's special guest star, Miss Nancy (ACHOOO!)
Fozzie Bear: Awww, you blew it, too. It's Nancy Walker.

Edgar Bergen [2.07][edit]

Kermit: You have to treat the chickens pretty well, because they've got a very tough union.

Steve Martin [2.08][edit]

Kermit the Frog: (depressing) Thank you. And welcome to a very moment here on The Muppet Show. I am sorry but I got some bad news to tell you.
Statler: Maybe we came at last.
Waldorf: Maybe the show has been cancelled.
Kermit the Frog: I just misread my calendar. The show has been cancelled tonight, Because we are opening auditions for new acts. You are welcome to see it. But I don't think there will any excitements.
Statler: Should we stay or Should we go?
Kermit the Frog: (To Statler and Waldorf) Why don't you take the night off (To the entire audience) Well, Then good night everybody.
[The audiences leaves in disappointment]

Kermit: Listen, it's very healthy to see what other people in the field are doing. And it is an enriching experience.
Fozzie: Yeah.
Kermit: Hey, Scooter, what's next?
Scooter: Oh, it's a guy named Lenny the Lizard. And he's an emcee.
Kermit: What the hey?

Madeline Kahn [2.09][edit]

Gonzo: Well, she's nothing like you at all. She is beautiful, and she's got this cute little nose... [sniffs] and she's intelligent... [sniffs] and talented...

George Burns [2.10][edit]

Kermit: I'm sorry, but we don't allow any reporters backstage during the show.
Fleet: What a headline! Muppet's Bad Press: Reporter Thrown Out By A Frog!
Kermit: Now, wait! On the other hand, can I offer you a cup of coffee?
Fleet: What a headline! Frog Bribes Reporter: Muppet's Desperate For Publicity!

Dom DeLuise [2.11][edit]

Kermit: I mean, you know, if you can afford to pay off the audience, and buy all those flowers, and the fur, and the mail, and all that stuff...

Bernadette Peters [2.12][edit]

Statler: [after Miss Mousey's number] Boo! Hiss! Terrible! I hated it!
Waldorf: Really? I kind of liked it.
Statler: Well, the pig doesn't have you in a hammerlock! Boo!

Rudolf Nureyev [2.13][edit]

Dr. Teeth: Hey, hey, what's this bummer called again?
Floyd: Minuet in G Major.
Dr. Teeth: Uh, we'll send it back in to the minors.

Elton John [2.14][edit]

Link Hogthrob: At least we could have brought a TV set. I'm missing all of my favorite bowling shows.
Miss Piggy: You and your bowling shows! He cries at the sad parts.
[Alarm went off on the control deck]
Link Hogthrob: What does that red light mean?
Dr. Julius Strangepork: Well, The red light means stop, The green light means go, and the yellow light means....
Miss Piggy: No! No! No! Not traffic light, That light on the control panel.
Dr. Julius Strangepork: Oh, That light. Well, That means we are invaded by alien beings.

Statler: We're look like members of the rock age!
Waldorf: We're look more like members of the Stone Age! [Both laugh]

Lou Rawls [2.15][edit]

Floyd Pepper: Oh, no, you couldn't take Animal on any long road trips, Lou.
Lou: Why not, man? The cat is good.
Floyd Pepper: No, you couldn't get a long enough chain!

[Fozzie has fallen off the stage]
Statler: He was doing okay until he fell off the stage.
Waldorf: Wrong. He was doing okay until he came on the stage.

Cleo Laine [2.16][edit]

Link Hogthrob: First Mate Miss Piggy.
Fozzie: Er, yes, sir!
Link Hogthrob: Did you shave this morning?

Julie Andrews [2.17][edit]

Gonzo: [to the cow] Wow, you have got a great pair of legs! In fact, she's got two great pairs of legs!

Jaye P. Morgan [2.18][edit]

Kermit: I can't tell you what a thrill it is to have you on this show.
Jaye P.: Oh, thank you, Kermit. Nice of you to say so. I'd like to say I'm really indifferent about being here.

Peter Sellers [2.19][edit]

Fozzie: Kermit! Kermit! Oh, no... the next act just cancelled.
Kermit: What? But that was a terrific act! Prunella And Her Prancing Poultry.
Fozzie: Yeah. I know, yeah... Kermit, about that poultry, you see, yesterday...the duck hunting season began.

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: Well, I'm just bubbly with excitement.

Petula Clark [2.20][edit]

Kermit: Uh, ladies and gentlemen, Switzerland has given us some watches, some chocolate, and some silliness. And, we take you now to the Alps for the latter.

Bob Hope [2.21][edit]

Gonzo: Kermit, cancel my bread impersonation act! They didn't deliver my poppy seeds. You wouldn't want me to walk out there NAKED, would you?

Bob Hope: Are you ready to the song?
The Talking Horse: Sure, Why not!
Bob Hope: Yeah, But wait a minute. We are in the middle of the desert. And where is the music coming from?
The Talking Horse: Well, There is a tape deck in the saddle.
Bob Hope: (Ejects the cassette from the tape deck, and reads at the audio cassette) (To the audience) Stereophonic horse! (Puts the cassette back into the tape deck)

Teresa Brewer [2.22][edit]

First Mate Miss Piggy: All right, that does it. I refuse to continue this sketch, did you hear me?
Capt. Link Hogthrob: Sketch? What sketch? This is the Swinetrek, we're lost in endless space!
Miss Piggy: This is a cheap-shot comedy sketch, and I'll lay you odds the frog wrote it!

John Cleese [2.23][edit]

John Cleese: I'd be Long John Silverstine! Deadliest pirate of the seven seas!
Link: You can't be a pirate!
John Cleese: Of course I'm a pirate! I have a hat, a parrot and a hook. What else should I be? A management consultant?

Parrot: You don't love me any more.
John Cleese: Of course I love you. I'm working now!
Parrot: And you're making a lousy job of it.
John Cleese: [pulling a gun] You wanna be an ex-parrot?

Cloris Leachman [2.24][edit]

Cloris: All right then, I'll spell it out for you. You are a pig. P-I-G. You are not a frog. F-R-O-G. No, you are not a frog, and nothing that you say will ever convince me that you a frog. Nothing!
Kermit the Pig: Ribbit? Ribbit, rib-bit?
Cloris: Oh, Kermit, it is you!

Season 3 (1978-1979)[edit]

Kris Kristofferson & Rita Coolidge [3.01][edit]

Gonzo: What's the soup du jour?
Gladys: Same as yesterday.
Gonzo: Good, I'll have that and a chicken.
Gladys: How do you want your chicken? Baked, broiled, or barbecued?
Gonzo: I want the chicken for company! I hate dining alone.

Leo Sayer [3.02][edit]

Annie Sue: [to Miss Piggy] I never thought it could happen. I've been an admirer of yours ever since I was a little baby, you know?

Roy Clark [3.03][edit]

Kermit: What's all this smoke?
Fozzie: Uh... that is not smoke.
Kermit: It is not smoke? Then what is it?
Fozzie: It's jet exhaust.
Kermit: Jet exhaust?
Fozzie: Oh, look out! Here comes another one!

Scooter: [to the stage hands in the rafters] Hey, somebody kill that light!
[Machine gun fire is heard as he turns his back. At the same time that a spotlight drops down, Scooter turns behind him in surprise]

Gilda Radner [3.04][edit]

Gilda: [to Bunsen] Well, do you see. I don't mind assisting, but I'm not crazy about the idea of guinea-pigging.

Kermit: Now I'm stuck on you!
Miss Piggy: Oh, at last, my frog wants me! Oh, thank you! [She notices he's literally stuck on her] Oh... Oh... Will you let... Will you — Get away from me! What is this?

Statler:: Good night!
Waldorf: So long!
[Their hands are stuck in the handrail]
Statler and Waldorf: (in unison) OH NO!

Wayne: Sorry I was late. I had to change the bus across town, and the traffic was terrible.
Miss Piggy: Never mind. Just get me out of here.
Wayne: [noticing Uncle Deadly's boots] Say, I know those boots. Weren't you a flamenco dancer in Kansas City?
Uncle Deadly: Why yes, I was.
Wayne: Harry's Boom Boom Room?
Uncle Deadly: You caught my act?
Wayne: I could never figure out how you did that passé double thing, though.
Miss Piggy: Paso doble.
Uncle Deadly: Oh, quite simple, my boy. Quite simple. Music, maestro, please.
Miss Piggy: Music?! [Uncle Deadly starts to dance. Miss Piggy turns to the camera in disbelief. Uncle Deadly's feet come dangerously close to her hands] What? Hey, hey. Cool it up there.
Uncle Deadly: Now to the Passionato del Thunderdoor, you give it an extra little flourish.
Miss Piggy: Watch it!
Wayne: [to Uncle Deadly] Aha! You mean like this? [He starts dancing as well]
Miss Piggy: Whoo-hoo, hee-ha, hold it. Easy! Down, boy. Hold it. Hoo, hey. Cool it.
Uncle Deadly: Almost, almost. No, more like... [He shows Wayne the dance again. Wayne joins in]
Miss Piggy: Hey! Hey! Hey, Deadly... Hey, wait, hey. [Wayne steps on Piggy's hands, causing her to lose her grip and fall off the cliff screaming. Uncle Deadly and Wayne congratulate each other on their dancing] I suppose you think that's funny!

Pearl Bailey [3.05][edit]

Janice: I mean, you know, Kermit, sometimes I don't know what space you are coming from.
Kermit: Well, it's just a regular backstage space.

Jean Stapleton [3.06][edit]

Jean Stapleton: It's about this next number - I would really rather not do it.
Kermit: What, you mean the number with the pigs dressed as pirates, and the chickens playing some bagpipes, and you dancing with a 7-foot door knob?
Jean Stapleton: Hmm. It's just one cliche after another.

Statler: I liked that last number.
Waldorf: What did you like about it?
Statler: It was the LAST number! [they both laugh]

Alice Cooper [3.07][edit]

Kermit: Boy, it wasn't spooky like this when Julie Andrews did the show!
Sam the Eagle: [to Alice] Oh, good grief! Let me come right to the point. You, sir, are a demented, sick, degenerate, barbaric, naughty freako!
Alice Cooper: Why, thank you!
Sam the Eagle: [ashamed of this reaction] Freakos: one, civilization: zero! [leaves Alice Cooper behind]

Loretta Lynn [3.08][edit]

Kermit: Gonzo, I should never have let you talk me into doing the show from a railroad depot.
Gonzo: But it was the only place available! They were having a tournament at the bowling alley.

Liberace [3.09][edit]

Door Guard: Liberace uses no chickens in his concert.
Gonzo: Oh, then maybe he'll see me.
Guard: He's only seeing birds.
Gonzo: I'm a bird. Yeah, I am a, I am a turkey.
Guard: You are not a real turkey.
Gonzo: Are you kidding? Have you seen my act?

Marisa Berenson [3.10][edit]

Kermit: I just want to know more about this wedding sketch, I mean. I've got to learn my lines, Piggy.
Miss Piggy: Well.. you only have one line.
Kermit: I do?
Miss Piggy: Exactly.
Miss Piggy: Do it!

Raquel Welch [3.11][edit]

Fozzie: You see, my problem was my need to tell jokes.
Floyd Pepper: Yeah! And that was our problem, too! [laughs]

James Coco [3.12][edit]

Miss Piggy: You know, I really like the water.
Kermit: Oh, I am glad.
Miss Piggy: Which means, after we're married, we can live at your place.

Helen Reddy [3.13][edit]

Kermit: Hey Beau, I've got a job for you!
Beauregard: Oh, good.
Kermit: Yeah. Just look at this mess.
Beauregard: Okay, that sounds easy enough.

Harry Belafonte [3.14][edit]

Fozzie: [handing Rowlf a script] Hey, guys, guys – here is the musical moment for this week.
Rowlf the Dog: Uh... [reading] Curtains open. Lew Zealand and Rowlf do something funny. Curtains close.
Fozzie: Go get them!
Kermit: And we leave nothing to chance, huh?
Fozzie: Trust me.

Lesley Ann Warren [3.15][edit]

Lesley: You know, Kermit, I thought you were the only person on this show who wasn't crazy.
Kermit: Me, not crazy? I hired the others.

Leslie Uggams/Big Bird[3.18][edit]

Miss Piggy: Holy maracas!
Big Bird: Oh, hi. I'm Big Bird.
Miss Piggy: Huh. No kidding.
Big Bird: I'm a friend of Kermit's.
Miss Piggy: Oh.
Big Bird: Yeah, we both come from the same neighborhood. Sesame Street.
Miss Piggy:: Oh. Isn't that that cute little children's show with puppets?
Big Bird: Uh-huh. And who are you?
Miss Piggy: Who am I? I am Miss Piggy.
Big Bird: Oh. Well, do you work around here?
Miss Piggy: Uh, listen, yellow thing. Do you see that star here?
Big Bird: Oh, yes. It's very pretty.
Miss Piggy: And, uh, do you know why it is there?
Big Bird: Well, uh... Perfect attendance?
Miss Piggy: I am the singing star of this show.
Big Bird: A singing pig? That's very funny! [laughs]
Miss Piggy: Kiss your feathers goodbye, bird! Hai-ya! [swings at Big Bird, but he doubles over and she misses and falls]
Big Bird: Oh, you do acrobatics, too. [To the audience] She's very versatile.

Waldorf: Have we ever said that this show is for the birds?
Statler: Yes, and we'll keep saying it until it gets a laugh.

Elke Sommer [3.19][edit]

Kermit the Frog: Thank you, Thank you, And welcome again to The Muppet Show. And we have great show because our guest star is on our favorite German actress, Mrs. Elke Sommer. But before we get to her, Ladies and Gentlemen: Bobby Benson's Baby Band!

Martha: George, wake up! I think I hear prowlers.
George: Oh Martha, go back to sleep.

Sylvester Stallone [3.20][edit]

Kermit the Frog: Welcome to The Muppet Show. We have great show tonight, Because our special guest star a famous director, screen writer, and the star of the popular movie called Rocky, Sylvester Stallone.
[A group teenage girls jumps to the stage]
Kermit the Frog: [To the girls] GET OUT OF THERE! [To the audience] Sorry about that, folks. Now anyways, We will like to start with a little Hawaiian number.
One of the teenaged girl: Is Sylvester going to wear a Hawaiian skirt?
Kermit the Frog: [To the girl] NO! HE IS NOT IN THE OPENING NUMBER! Please get back to seat. Uh, Curtains.

Kermit the Frog: Okay, Well, The time has come to say goodbye. Because we don't have much else to say. But before we go, let's have one last round of applause for the one and only, Sylvester Stallone! YAYYYYYYYYYY!
Sylvester Stallone: Well, Kermit. I had a wonderful time. I hope I didn't hurt you by talking to your punching bag.
The Punching Bag: Come on, Stallone. Give us for peek sake for old time gag.
Sylvester Stallone: Alright [He punches the punching bag]
Kermit the Frog: Well, We will see you again next time on The Muppet Show! You all have been a wonderful laugh track.

Roger Miller [3.21][edit]

[Statler & Waldorf chuckling]
Waldorf: I bet you were expecting chickens.
Statler: Woof Woof Woof!
[Statler & Waldorf laugh]
Waldorf: Woof Woof!
Statler: Woof Woof!

Roy Rogers and Dale Evans [3.22][edit]

Kermit the Frog: Usually at this time, I would have said good night to the audience, But do you mind if you can say it, Your way?
Roy Rogers: Oh I'll be glad too. [To the audience] Until we again, on screen, or in person, Good night and good luck, and make good lord liking you.

Cheryl Ladd [3.24][edit]

Kermit: Uh, Gonzo, that is terrible! I'm not going to introduce you for a crummy act like that!
Gonzo: Sic 'em!
Kermit: O.K! O.K! O.K! O.K! I'll introduce him.
Chicken: Meow!!
Kermit: Ungh! And now, here he is, ladies and gentlemen, uh, your one and you're welcome to him, Gonzo the Great! Off, off, off, off, off!!

Gonzo: Thank you! Thank you! And now, students of the occult, I shall demonstrate my amazing, powers of hypnosis. I shall place a member of the audience in a chance, aided only by the mysterious strength of hypnotic suggestion. My subject would support with only one hand, this 5000 pound weight. Who will the 1st, lucky volunteer? It's just a question of mind over matter.
Waldorf: That's right! You don't mind and we don't matter!
Gonzo: You'll live to regret this!
Statler: We intend to.
Gonzo: But I just do not understand, you people! Immortality is out for grahams! But you don't deserve it!
Waldorf: No, but you do!
Gonzo: What a terrific idea! I'll hypnotize myself. I'll go down in history! Ahem. Look deep into my eyes! Make my mind a complete blank. My eye-lids are getting heavy. I am falling into my power. When I count 3, I will have the strength of an army! 1, 2, 3! Release the ropes!
Statler: That's very impressive! But how do you get out of it?
Gonzo: It's simple. I just snap my fingers! Ungh! Hey, Kermit, it went terrific!

Season 4 (1979-1980)[edit]

Shields and Yarnell [4.3][edit]

Waldorf: Just when you think the show is terrible, something wonderful happens.
Statler: What?
Waldorf: It ends. [Both laugh]

Dudley Moore [4.7][edit]

Scooter: Oh Dudley, Dudley Moore, Fifteen seconds to Curtain, Mr. Moore!
Dudley Moore: (As he tries to tune his piano) Thank you, Scooter. But you see, I am having a bit a trouble getting this piano tuned. Can you give me an A?
Scooter: Sure, Easy! [Uses a hand gun to shoot at the ceiling and it reveals the letter A!]

Liza Minnelli [4.9][edit]

Statler: [Statler and Waldorf are in prison uniforms in a prison cell in the balcony] How long are we here for?
Waldorf: Twenty years.
Statler: If I'd known that judge was giving us the box, I'd have asked for the chair. [Both laugh]

Kenny Rogers [4.10][edit]

Statler and Waldorf: [singing] Why don't they make things funny?

Dizzy Gillespie [4.13][edit]

Waldorf: Statler isn't here tonight, Kermit! He's sick!
Kermit: Oh, that's too bad. The flu?
Waldorf: No, the show! He's sick of it! (laughs)
Kermit: Well, uh, don't get lonely up there, okay?
Waldorf: Not much chance of that. My wife is using Statler's ticket. She's just powdering her nose.
Kermit: No kidding. I've always wanted to meet your wife.
Astoria: I thought the show had started! Who's the frog?
Waldorf: That's Kermit, dear.
Kermit: What's your wife's name, Waldorf?
Waldorf: Astoria!

Mark Hamill [4.17][edit]

Kermit: Well folks, our own Scooter has prepared an act for us. He can't play very well, but he's worked very hard on this, and after listening to Mark and Angus Gershwin Gargling, anything should sound good.

Waldorf: Do you think there's life in outer space?
Statler: There's certainly none in this theater. [both laugh]

Kermit: What do you do, Mark?
Mark Hamill: [imitating Kermit] Oh, uh, well, you know, I've been known to do impressions. Yaaay!
Kermit: Mm-hm. Who do you do? [Mark looks perplexed]

Christopher Reeve [4.18][edit]

Waldorf: Well, this has been an evening to remember.
Statler: Why?
Waldorf: I forgot. [Both laugh]

Lynda Carter [4.19][edit]

Scooter: Lynda Carter, Lynda Carter?
Lynda Carter: I know, I know, 20 seconds to curtains.
Scooter: WOW! You can read my mind!
Lynda Carter: No! I am reading the script.
Scooter: No! Kermit wouldn't allow a script.

Miss Piggy: Holy guacamole! This looks like a job for Wonder Pig!

Statler: How come chickens are getting so big on this show?
Waldorf: Well, chickens thrive on corn. [both laugh and clucking]

Andy Williams [4.22][edit]

Statler: I'm going to see my lawyer!
Waldorf: Why?
Statler: I'm going to find out if you can sue a show for breach of taste!

Diana Ross [4.24][edit]

Fozzie Bear: [running on-stage] Hiya! Hiya! Hiya! Hiya! [the crowd boos loudly at him; runs off-stage] Bye-a! Bye-a! Bye-a! Bye-a!
[Waldorf holds up a score card that says "1"]
Statler: You gave him a one?
Waldorf: He's never been better.

Narrator: Is this the end of Pigs in Space?
Audience: YES!
Narrator: Then tune in next time for another....
Audience: NO!
Narrator: All right, then, don't. See if I care.

Season 5 (1980-1981)[edit]

Loretta Swit [5.1][edit]

Scooter: Congratulations, Kermit.
Kermit the Frog: On what?
Scooter: That photographer from Tongue Magazine. You and Miss Piggy are being secretly married down in Las Vegas.
Kermit the Frog: [Gasp and shocked] Piggy, PIGGY?!?
Miss Piggy: Yes, mon cheri?
Kermit the Frog: Piggy, have you been planting items about us in the gossip papers again?
Miss Piggy: Um, well... what would make you think a thing like that?
Kermit the Frog: That photographer who was just here. He was from Tongue Magazine.
Miss Piggy: Oh. Well, it was just a teeny tiny item.
Miss Piggy: It's just a slight exaggeration.
Miss Piggy: Then what are going to do?!?
Miss Piggy: You're kidding.
Kermit the Frog: I am not kidding!
Miss Piggy: But I am supposed be in the next number.
Kermit the Frog: I will and I can. [To the intercom] Please, Cancel the next number. Bring in the snores chorus on stage.
Miss Piggy: You can't fire me. I am actress, model.
Scooter: BOSS, The Snorers are putting the audience to sleep.
Kermit the Frog: Alright, I'll introduce Loretta, then. SNORERS, GET OFF THE STAGE!!!
Miss Piggy: They can't fire me.
One of the snorers: I don't know, I was sleeping all the time.
Kermit the Frog: AND NOW [Calmly] And now ladies and gentlemen, here is our special guest star, Miss Loretta Swit! YAYYYYYYYY!

Loretta Swit: Who going to take over the talent, and one verb?
Kermit the Frog: Well, In Vet's Hospital, I wonder if you can be in it?
Loretta Swit: [Goes hyper as she lets go of Miss Piggy] I'D LOVE TO!
Kermit the Frog: Oh, Good.
Loretta Swit: Do you think the uniform will fit.
Kermit the Frog: Oh yes, Anybody can do that.
Tongue Magazine Photographer: Uh, Piggy. Do you work here?
Miss Piggy: HAI-YAH! (Kicks the photographer)

Doctor Julius Strangepork: It's worse than that, We got two First Mate Piggies!

Tony Randall [5.13][edit]

Fozzie Bear: Boy, you sure are heavy. You must least weighed a ton.
Floyd: Well, that's good. That means she's lost weight! [laughs]
Fozzie Bear: Floyd, you shouldn't laugh at Piggy. I mean, she must be terrified.
Floyd: Terrified? She's petrified! [laughs]
Gonzo: Hey, great news, Miss Piggy! You'll be back to normal in no time. I just got this new book called, "Sandblasting Without Pain"! [laughs]
Floyd: Hey, hey, Gonzo!
Gonzo: Yeah?
Floyd: Yeah! Did you know that Miss Piggy is very worried about Kermit?
Gonzo: Worried about Kermit? Why?
Floyd: Well, she's afraid that she'll have to take him for granite! [laughs]
Kermit: OK. OK, guys. Enough with these big cheap shots.
Floyd: Aw, come on! I've got another page to go yet.
Kermit: Floyd, how could you be so cruel to a fellow performer? Someone you've known and work with for years. I mean, just take a look at her. She's suffered enough. Have pity upon her.
Miss Piggy: [affectionally] Mmmmmmmm.
Floyd: Oh, you're right. Well, what will I do with these jokes?
Kermit: Burn them. [leaves to the stage]
Floyd: [to Miss Piggy] You heard what the frog said. [strikes a match on her]
Miss Piggy: [painfully] MMMMMMMMMM!!!!!
Floyd: [laughs]

Mac Davis [5.14][edit]

[Beaker comes up to Piggy and babbles]
Miss Piggy: Beaker, I told you never to talk to me like that! [Beaker exhales heavily and walks off] Because I can't understand it.

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: [After getting clones of Beakers on his copying machine] I've only got one thing to say! HELLLLLLLLP! HELLLLLLLLLLLLP!! [Runs in a panic attack]

Carol Burnett [5.15][edit]

Carol Burnett: Kermit, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but this is one of the three worst shows I've ever seen.
Kermit: What were the other two?
Carol Burnett: There are no other two; I was just being kind.

Gladys Knight [5.16][edit]

[During the Opening number]
Archeologist: Look at them, I think they're glad to see us.
Sacarogi: When you've been stood up for 4,000 years, you're glad to see anybody!

Hal Linden [5.17][edit]

Statler: Well, It looks like time's running out for us.
Waldorf: Yeah, And for the show, too.
Statler: So, Let's bring back our wonderful special guest star, Mr. Hal Linden!
Kermit the Frog: [As he goes on Stage] YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
Hal Linden: Oh, Kermit. It's good to see you!
Waldorf: It sure is.
Statler: Yeah, Tonight was a disaster.
Hal Linden: Has it really?
Kermit the Frog: Gee, I thought that was a terrific show.
Hal Linden: What are you talking about? There was a lot of confusions and chaos, and a lot of running around like mindless maniacs....
Fozzie Bear: Yeah, Like any good Muppet Show!
Kermit the Frog: And Hal, You're a big part of it.
Hal Linden: Oh, Good. I am glad I fit right in.
[Everybody laughs]
Waldorf: Well, Kermit. The show is all yours. We are going back to our seats in the box and stay there. [exits the stage]
Statler: We didn't know how tough it was down here. From now on, we promise never to say a bad thing about this show again! [exits the stage].
Kermit the Frog: Oh, good! We'll see you again next time on The Muppet Show.
Fozzie Bear: Bye!

Marty Feldman [5.18][edit]

Waldorf: How should we know how to get to Sesame Street?
Statler: We don't even know how to get out of this stupid theater box!

Debbie Harry [5.20][edit]

Kermit the Frog: You left out one rainbow song!
Debbie Harry: I did? Which one?
Kermit the Frog: My rainbow song!

Mrs. Appleby: Mr. Frog. My boys just did your show, and we never negotiated a deal.

Gene Kelly [5.24][edit]

Miss Piggy: When will we get there?
Dr. Julius Strangepork: In about 1 minute from, NOW!
[We see a timer at the bottom of the screen]

News Anchor: [As he interrupts the Pigs in Space sketch] And now, A Muppet News Flash. Probably the greatest news story in history. The meaning and purpose of life has just been announced as follow [He looks at the wrong message] Wait a minute. That's the wrong one. Hmm, I had it here a minute a go. Where is it? The meaning of purpose of life? Hmmm [To a crew member] HOW COULD I KEEP TRACK OF THINGS WHEN YOU'RE ALWAYS STRAIGHTENING OUT MY DESK?!?

Beauregard: You are trying to make me feel better. But I know, THE END IS NEAR!!!
Kermit the Frog: UH, NO! THE END IS NOW! [To the audience)] We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!

Statler: Are you ready for the end of the world?
Waldorf: Sure! It couldn't be any worse than this show!

Glenda Jackson[edit]

Kermit: The show must not go on... because I quit! I give up! Our guest star's a pirate, the theater's sailing out to sea and I'm losing my mind!

Theme Song[edit]

Season 1

Kermit: It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest topic/star(s), Mr./Ms. (insert guest star name)!
Females: It's time to play the music
It's time to light the lights
It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight.
Males: It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to raise the curtain
On The Muppet Show tonight.
[Fozzie tells a different joke each week]
Kermit: To introduce our guest star
That's what I'm here to do.
So it really makes me happy
To introduce to you...
(insert guest star name)!
But now let's get things started...
Cast: On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!
This is what we call The Muppet Show!
[Gonzo strikes gong with different effect each week]

Season 2

Kermit: It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest topic/star(s), Mr./Ms. (insert guest star name)!
Females: It's time to play the music
It's time to light the lights
It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight.
Males: It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to get things started
(Statler and Waldorf make a different wisecrack each week)
Kermit: It's time to get things started...
Cast: On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!
This is what we call The Muppet Show!
[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]

Season 3

Kermit: It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest topic/star(s), Mr./Ms. (insert guest star name)! (Yaaaaaaaaaay!)
Females: It's time to play the music
It's time to light the lights
It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight.
Males: It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to get things started
Audience: Why don't you get things started?
(Statler and Waldorf make a different wisecrack each week)
Kermit: It's time to get things started...
Cast: On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!
This is what we call The Muppet Show!
[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]

Season 4

Kermit: It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest star/topic(s) (insert guest star name)! (Yaaaaaaaaaay!)
Cast: It's time to play the music
It's time to light the lights
It's time to get things started
Audience: Why don't you get things started?
(Statler and Waldorf make a different wisecrack each week)
Kermit: It's time to get things started...
Cast: On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!
This is what we call The Muppet Show!
[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]

Season 5

Kermit: It's The Muppet Show, with our (very) special guest star/topic(s) (insert guest star name)! (Yaaaaaaaaaay!)
Females: It's time to play the music
It's time to light the lights
It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight.
Males: It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to raise the curtain on The Muppet Show tonight!
Waldorf: Why do we always come here?
Statler: I guess we'll never know.
Waldorf: It's like a kind of torture.
Both: To have to watch the show!
"[Animal drum solo and Lips trumpet solo]"
Cast: And now let's get things started!
Audience: Why don't you get things started?
Kermit: It's time to get things started...
Cast: On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational!
This is what we call The Muppet Show!
[Gonzo blows trumpet with different effect each week]

External links[edit]

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