Vada: I was born jaundiced. Once, I sat on a toilet seat at a truck stop and caught haemorrhoids. And I've learned to live with this chicken bone that's been lodged in my throat for the past three years. So, I knew my Dad would be devastated when he learned of my latest affliction. [to her Dad] Dad? I don't want to upset you, but my left breast is developing at a significantly faster rate than my right. It could only mean one thing: Cancer. I'm dying.
Harry: Okay. Sweetie, hand me the mayonnaise out of the fridge.
Shelley: I have a wonderful disposition, I put people right at ease.
Harry: Uh, Miss Devoto, there people are already at ease. This is not a beauty parlour. It's a funeral parlour.
Shelley: They're dead?
Harry: Yes they are.
Ronda: He covers me like a blanket, from the cold dark night. As I look into his eyes, I know it's right. To touch, to feel. I know he's real. Flesh all amesh. Flesh all amesh. I can't fight it. There's no point. I wake up and light a joint.
Mr. Bixler: Uhh, uh. V.. Vada.
Vada: I wrote a poem, too.
Mr. Bixler: Please.
Vada: Ode to Ice Cream, by Vada Sultenfuss. I like ice cream a whole lot. It tastes good when days are hot. On a cone, or in a dish. This would be my only wish. Vanilla, chocolate, or Rocky Road, Even with pie a la mode. That's all I got so far.
Justin: I hear that Vada. "Flesh all amesh" or "Rocky Road". It's all about desire.
Shelley: Now, the first rule in applying eye make-up is you can never wear enough blue eye shadow.
Shelley: That's a pretty ring you're wearing (looks at Vada's mood ring)
Vada: It's a mood ring. It's tells me what mood i'm in.
Thomas J: It doesn't work, it always stays black.
Vada: It's only black when you're around, because you put me in a bad mood.
Shelley: Maybe black means you're happy?
Vada: I don't think so. Shelly how can I get $35?
Thomas J: She's crazy, She wants to go to school over the summer.
Vada: It's not a real school, it's a writing class. I want to be a writer.
Thomas J: She just wants to go just because her sweetie pie's her teacher.
Vada: Shut your big fat mouth!
Shelley: I think you'll make a fine writer. Have you asked your dad?
Justin: What's in my soul? Feel my aura.
Vada: I don't think I'm allowed to.
Phil: Harry, Harry, Harry, Harry. I told you to use fewer briquettes, and now look what you've done. you've cremated them.
Harry: Thats what i do.
Vada: My mommy and daddy did that?
Shelley: It's actually a very beautiful thing. And look, there wouldn't've been a Vada.
Vada: I think it should be outlawed. (doorbell rings) Oh, that's probably Thomas J. I don't wanna see him.[On menstruation] It's not fair. Nothing happens to boys.
Thomas J: Hi Vada. Can you come out?
Vada: I don't know.
Thomas J: Please, it's real hot, maybe we can go swimming.
Vada: No! [Shoving Thomas J off her porch after getting her first period] Get outta here! And don't come back for five to seven days!
Vada: I'm running away.
Thomas J: Where are you running to?
Vada: California. I'm going to Hollywood to live with the Brady Bunch.
Thomas J: I wanna live with them too.
Vada: No, you can't. They have enough kids. You'll have to live with the Partridge Family.
Thomas J: Really?!
[The day of Thomas J.'s funeral. Vada has locked herself in her room.]
Shelley: She won't come out! It's been a whole day. You have to do something, Harry!
Harry: The funeral's starting!
Shelley: Open your eyes! She's 11 years old! Her only friend in the world is dead!
Harry: I know that, but what do you want from me?
Shelley: Stop hiding, Harry! You run, Harry. When I first came here, the idea of working with dead people didn't exactly thrill me. When I saw that a family lived here, I thought if I'm living without a family, then at least I can work with one and maybe, once in a while, be invited in for supper.
Harry: Yeah - and when those suppers are disrupted because there's a car crash, or there's a fire, or a little boy steps on a beehive!...
Shelley: I'm not asking you to stop caring for those people! But life isn't just death, Harry! Don't ignore the living... especially your daughter.
Vada: [Hysterical, at Thomas J.'s funeral] Where's his glasses? He can't see without his glasses.
Vada: Why do you think people wanna get married?
Thomas J: When you get older, you just have to.
Vada: I'm gonna marry Mr. Bixler.
Thomas J: You can't marry a teacher, it's against the law.
Vada: It is not.
Thomas J: Yes it is, 'cause then he'll give you all A's and it won't be fair.
Vada: Not true [Pause] Have you ever kissed anyone?
Thomas J: Like they do on TV? No.
Vada: Maybe we should,, just to see what's the big deal.
Thomas J: But, I don't know how.
Vada: Practice on your arms.
Thomas J: Like this? [They practice kissing on their arms]
Vada: OK, now practice. [to Thomas J] Close your eyes.
Thomas J: But then I won't be able to see anything,
Vada: Just do it.
Thomas J: OK, OK. [He closes his eyes]
Vada: OK, on the count of three. [Leans over] One, two, two and a half, three [Vada and Thomas J kiss] Say something, it's too quiet.
Thomas J: Umm, Ummmmm...
Vada: [agitated] Just hurry.
Thomas J: I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America...
Vada and Thomas J: ...And to the republic for which it stands, one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
Vada: Weeping willow with your tears running down, why do you always weep and frown? Is it because he left you one day? Is it because he could not stay? On your branches he would swing, Do you long for the happiness that day would bring? He found shelter in your shade, he thought his laughter would never fade. Weeping willow stop your tears, for there is something to calm your fears. You think death has ripped you forever apart, but I know he'll always be in your heart.