Jay (after Tiara compliments Junior's shoes): Tiara, he [Junior] put those mirrors on his shoes so he could look up at your panties.
Tiara: Well, joke's on him, because I'm not wearing any.
Junior (who's about to eat raw chicken): Have you ever heard of sushi?
Michael: Have you ever heard of salmonella?
Junior: No, but if she knows how to cook, invite her over?
Kady:I made you some chicken noodle soup.
Michael: Did you get this [water in the soup] out of the toilet like the last time?
Kady: No, silly!
(Michael starts to eat the soup)
Kady: ...the fish tank!
(Michael then spits out the soup)
Michael: Mmm, mmm, guppy!
Michael: No asking your grandfather for money.
Junior: I can't stop him. He folds it up in his hand and shoves it in my pocket. What can I do?
Michael: Be naked. I bet he won't shove it in that pocket.
Jay (to Michael): Are these [pants] yours or Junior's?
Michael: Junior's. I don't have pants with more than 38 pockets.
Jay: What does that look like to you?
Michael: I'll say it's chocolate-covered raisins.
Jay: No, it looks like mouse droppings.
Michael: There's only one way to find out. Junior, come taste one of these.
Michael: I thought you were going shopping for towels.
Jay: I did.
Michael: When did Sony start making towels?
Franklin: First, we need to clean it (referring to a raw chicken).
Claire:OK, I'll put it in the dishwasher. Life cycle, right?
Franklin: Today, we're going to cook minute rice.
Claire: Really? How long will that take?
Jay: I've got ye olde egg salad.
Michael: That's why ye olde lifespan was only 36 years, because ye olde bowels couldn't digest ye olde food.
Michael: Put him [a customer] down!
Calvin: I'm trying, but I don't know where to put him down! Why did they put in a 'pick-up' sign when they didn't put in a 'put-down' sign?
Michael: It's a good thing you didn't see the 'loading in rear' sign.
Claire: How would you feel if your parents went on a double date with you and Mom?
Michael: Like a virgin.
Michael: You seem to be forgetting what we did in a movie theater. Remember the hot dog trick?
Jay: Go check on the kids.
Junior (after Michael writes the title of Junior's notepad of dumb sayings called "I Ain't Dumb"): Dad, there's no 'B' in dumb, that's 'dum-bee'.
Michael: I found a gray hair.
Jay: Where? In your goatee?
Jay: Your chest?
Jay: You're nuts!
Michael: Exactly. The right one.
Jay: You have 10 whole teeth in your mouth.
Kady: That's more than Grandma, right?
Junior: These hands were made for love.
Michael: I know one of them is.
Junior: For once, I'm not the dumbest one in the room.
Tony: Yes, you are.
Junior: You just proved me right. Because it's, "Yes, you is."
Michael: Why don't you quit while you're behind, son?
Junior: He who runs away, lives to fight another day.
Michael: Yeah. And then he runs to join the Village People.
Junior (about accidentally knocking Michael out while being taught how to box): I feel like Sugar Ray.
Jay: Which one?
Junior: The band.
Claire (after telling Junior, who got into a fight with Tony and got beat up after he assumed that Claire and Tony were having sex, when really they were playing miniature golf): What did you think we did?
Claire: That's disgusting!
Jay: That's disgusting!
Michael: That's just plain damn nasty.
Jay (to Claire, who broke up with Tony after seeing him with another woman, who was actually his cousin): Baby, you've got to communicate with Tony. That is the secret to any good relationship. How do you think your father and I have held in there for so long?
Michael: Unplanned pregnancies?
(Jay stamps on Michael's foot) Ow!
You said you wanted me to give the male point of view, I'm giving you the male point of view!
Jay: Go point your view back at the television.
Michael (to Claire, who is eating junk food to comfort her after her breakup with Tony): Claire, you gotta watch your sugar intake. You're already genetically predisposed to being a little thick. (looks at Jay)
Jay: That wasn't even necessary!
Michael: Baby, I was just being honest.
Jay (referring to Michael's head): Do I run around the house telling Junior that he's genetically predisposed of looking like a brown egg?
Kady: Mom always burns the bottom of her cookies, and I like that.
"Let's drink some of that colored water, saturated with high-fructose corn syrup, get a huge sugar rush going, and then watch hours of insipid animated marsupials sing and dance their way through a jungle festooned with product placement featuring candy-laced cereals that will no doubt destroy my pancreas before I'm 12 and leave me twitching in a diabetic coma."