Not the Nine O'Clock News

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Not the Nine O'Clock News is a television comedy sketch show which was broadcast on BBC 2 from 1979 to 1982, and which launched the careers of its stars - Rowan Atkinson, Mel Smith, Griff Rhys Jones and Pamela Stephenson.

John McEnroe sketch[edit]

[Breakfast in the McEnroe household]

McEnroe Snr (Smith): John, don't slurp your orange juice.
McEnroe (Jones): ...You cannot be serious!

Constable Savage[edit]

Chief Inspector (Atkinson): All together, Savage, you have filed 55 ludicrous, trumped-up charges [...] against the same man!

Chief Inspector: Do I take it, Savage, that Mr Kodogo is .... a coloured gentleman?
Savage (Jones) I can't say I've ever noticed, sir.

Two Ronnies spoof[edit]

Corbett (Jones): Good evening - it's lovely to be with you again, isn't it Ronnie?
Barker (Smith): No, it's a pain in the arse, quite frankly... but you'll be relieved to hear that tonight we'll be doing exactly the same material...
Corbett: ... as we've been doing for the last twenty years.
Barker: I shall be doing spousands of thoonerisms and dressing up in women's clothing...
Corbett: ...and I won't be getting any laughs at all, because he writes most of the script and makes sure I get all the crappy bits.

Conservative Conference speech[edit]

Conservative MP (Atkinson): Our right honourable leader… and Denis. My, lords, ladies, fellow party workers, I am a golfer! [applause] But I am also a Conservative and the Conservatives are back in power! What a wonderful word! But with a new initiative and most of all, a new style. And we are mostly concerned with two main issues. Firstly, immigration. Now, people really do get this party wrong on this issue every time, don't they? We don't think immigrants are animals, for god's sake! I know a lot of immigrants personally and they're perfectly nice people. They're black, of course, which is a shame. But honestly, some of them can do some jobs almost as well as white people... and we acknowledge this. Now, a lot of immigrants are Indians and Pakistanis for instance, and... I like curry, I do! But now that we've got the recipe, is there really any need for them to stay? Conservatives understand these problems, you see. Like we understand young criminals, another very emotive issue. This party feels that we've been just a little too soft on these... bastards. Mr. Whitelaw has spoken of the short sharp shock treatment, and his introduction of the 24,000V electric chair to Home Office detention centres begins next week... on a purely experimental basis, of course. If it doesn't work? Then of course we will be more than prepared to revert to old liberal wishy-washy socialist nigger-loving red left-wing homosexual commie ways of the recent past. But please, let's have a chance! It may be a tough road, we know, but don't forget, it is easier for a rich man to pass through the eye of a needle than it is for a camel to[pause] ...than it is, for a camel to.

External links[edit]

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