Parks and Recreation (season 4)

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Parks and Recreation (2009-2015) was an American political comedy television sitcom, airing on NBC, starring Amy Poehler as Leslie Knope, a perky, mid-level bureaucrat in the Parks Department of Pawnee, a fictional town in Indiana.

I'm Leslie Knope [4.1]

[Ron bolts out of the office past Leslie, then turns back to her]

Ron: Knope, follow me.

Leslie: Just one second.

Ron: NOW.

[Ron grabs Leslie's chair and wheels it down the hallway]

Leslie: Ron! Hey, whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa, Ron-Ron-Ron-Ron-Ron, what's going on?

Ron: My ex-wife is back.

[Ron grabs a footrest off the shoe shine stand]

Leslie: Yeah, I saw her in the courtyard.

Ron: No, my other ex-wife Tammy - Tammy One.

[Leslie gasps]

Ron: I have accrued 228 personal days. Starting now, I am using all of them. While I'm gone, you're in charge.

[Ron plunges the footrest into the wall, steps up, removes an air grate and retrieves a large bag of survival equipment marked "Tammy One" from the duct]

Ron: Also, I keep a sizable supply of ground chuck in my desk. Remove it, or it will begin to smell. Godspeed.

[Ron runs down the hall at full speed, plowing into Jerry in the process.]

Perd Hapley: There you have it, where 'it' is the thing Leslie Knope just said about this situation.

Dr. Harris: [about Jerry] That man has the largest penis I have ever seen. I actually don't even know if he has mumps; forgot to look. I was distracted by the largest penis I have ever seen.

Ron: Hello Tammy.

Tammy One: Ronald.

Ron: That's enough small talk. What do you want?

Tammy One: You remember what I do for a living I trust?

Ron: Yes. You ruin people's lives.

Tammy One: You're being audited Ronald.

Ron: I don't care.

Tammy One: Then why is your mustache trembling?

Ron: ...

Tammy One: I'm here as a friend. Call it nostalgia. Or perhaps guilt for all the times I tried to smother you in your sleep...

Ron: I don't need your help.

Tammy One: Wrong. You do. But as you're so fond of saying, it's a free county. Good luck. I hope you don't go to jail.

Tammy One: Sit up straight! You're not doing your breasts any favors.

April: [sits up straight] Thank you.

Andy: [walking in] Honey, your breasts look amazing!

Ron and Tammys [4.2]

Leslie: Ron, this is a Federal tax audit. You could go to jail. Jail Ron. Ron Jail. Jail Ron. Jail. You could go to jail! Jail. Jail. Jail.

Ron: Are you broken?

Ron: My first ex-wife's name is Tammy. My second ex-wife's name is Tammy. My Mom's name is Tamara...she goes by Tammy.

Ben: Umm hi. Are you the receptionist?

Model: I guess. I don't really know.

Ben: If you don't mind me asking, how much are they paying you?

Model: $100,000 a year! With full medical.

Ben: ...

[cut to Ben being interviewed]

Ben: I would guess that they'll be bankrupt by the end of...this sentence!

[Tammy One walks in and everyone falls silent]

Leslie: [standing to shake hands] Hello! I don't believe we've met. I am Leslie Knope, Deputy-

Tammy One: I don't think it will be necessary for you to speak again while I'm here.

[Leslie awkwardly sits down]

Tammy One: [seeing the mess of receipts on Ron's desk] Good God Ronald! This is a much bigger mess than I imagined. You will take a week off from work. We'll do a complete overhaul of your finances. I'll need access to all of your accounts. And your home.

Ron: ...Is that necessary?

Tammy One: Oh are we playing a game where everyone says something stupid?

Everyone: ...

Tammy One: [to Andy] You. What is your name?

Andy: ...Tim...Tim Buckanowski...

Tammy One: Really?

Andy: No...Andy Dwyer.

Tammy One: Andy, you're going to collect all of this and you're going to put it in my car. Ms. Knope!

Leslie: Yes!?

Tammy One: You're going to go to payroll and get copies of Ronald's workplace expense reports.

Leslie: Uh...I...I'm just wondering how long that's going to take because Ron and I have a very important meeting together. It's called the battle royale. It's super fun-

Tammy One: Oh, you and Ron have a big meeting huh? I'm sure Ron will remember the meeting fondly while he makes toilet wine in a Federal prison in Terre Haute.

Leslie: ...I'll...I'll head down to payroll.

Tammy One: Now! You're not getting any younger.

Leslie: Yes ma'am...

[A mustache-less Ron walks in whistling cheerfully]

Ron: Good morning everyone!

Leslie: Good morning sir! How can I help you? [she realizes it's Ron] Ron! Your mustache fell off!

Ron: Hahaha Leslie you goofball! Tammy pointed out that my face looked better without any hair on it and it did collect a lot of food crumbs which is very unsanitary.

Leslie: What?

Ron: [to Jerry] Hey Jer! Hump day am I right buddy?

Jerry: ...What?

Leslie: What is going on? Where's Tammy one?

Ron: She moved in with me. She's really helping me out. Yesterday she converted my bank account into a joint bank account with hers.

Leslie: [sarcastically] Oh! That's great! And how is that gonna help?

Ron: ...Not sure. When she explains it, it makes total sense.

Leslie: Ron there are some things I want to speak to you about but I'm not quite sure how to phrase them.

Ron: Just blurt them right out Leslie. Anything you say will stay between you and me. Right my love?

Tammy One: Stop fidgeting.

Ron: Sorry.

Leslie: I was hoping to speak with Ron alone.

Tammy One: He wants me here, he invited me. Na na na na na.

Ron: Don't worry Leslie, Tammy's totally cool.

Leslie: Oh okay then I'll say it to her. [To Tammy One] You're evil and you need to go.

Ron: [chuckles] Leslie you are a panic. Tammy may I use the restroom?

Tammy One: Remember to wash your hands!

[Ron gets up and leaves]

Leslie: Okay, you know what? Let's cut the crap. Is this audit even real?

Tammy One: In a sense, yes, but in another, truer sense, no, it is not. I want Ronald back. But I had to learn about his finances to make sure my future was protected. I'm impressed. He's acquired quite a bit of gold...

Leslie: You...gold digger! You are literally a gold digger!

Leslie: Basically we are being attacked by Godzilla, and to beat Godzilla, we need Mothra. No offense.

Tammy Two: None taken. I'm very flattered. Who's this? [referring to Andy] Who's this tall drink of water?

Andy: Andy...

Tammy Two: Hey Andy. How's it hanging?

Leslie: Listen, we need to break Ron from her spell! Can't you just move your butt around or wear a dress made out of meat?

Tammy Two: Well I could do all of those things, and have, but that bitch is crazy. When Ron left her and we got together, she threw acid on my foot.

April: Eww!

Andy: Could we take a peek at it?

Tammy Two: Listen, Tammy One was my Sunday School teacher too. She can pinpoint your weaknesses and then destroy you with just one word...and a jar of acid.

Leslie Oh my God!

Andy: I think I have an idea that can save Ron.

April: Andy...

Leslie: Don't joke around.

Andy: I...have ideas too...

[Leslie, April and Andy have gone to the farm to get Ron's mom]

Andy: Oh. My. God! There's a room full of just guns!

Leslie: Why do you have so many guns?

Tammy Zero: This is America isn't it?

Leslie: Yes...

Tammy Zero: Then I don't have to answer stupid questions whilst standing on my own property! Let's go!

April: Okay well that's definitely Ron's mom.

Tammy Zero: It's time to settle this.

Tammy One: Ah, an old fashioned prairie drink-off.

[Tammy Zero opens a jug of alcohol]

April: Ugh, what's in that jug? It smells like jet fuel!

Ron: That's Swanson family mash liquor. Made from the finest corn ever grown on American soil. Its only legal use is to strip varnish off of speed boats.

Tammy Zero: If you win, he's all yours, and if I win, I bring him back to the farm for good.

Leslie: Wait, what? That wasn't the deal!

Tammy One: Pour it. I'm thirsty.

Leslie: Pour me one too, then. Let me in here! I'm gonna join you and if I win, Ron stays here with us.

Ron: Leslie, no, don't drink that. We use it to burn warts off of the mules!

[Leslie and the Tammys take a shot of the liquor]

Leslie: ...POISON! UGH! I made a mistake! I made a mistake!

[Leslie is clearly drunk while the Tammys are fine]

Tammy Zero: [To Tammy One] Had enough?

Tammy One: Of this watered down baby formula? Not even close!

Leslie: Not ven cloves...Marvin clothes...Glenn Close...

Ron: Leslie you don't have to do this.

Leslie: Shhh go to bed Jimmy.

[Leslie is very drunk on Swanson liquor]

Leslie: Everybody pants now! Pants! Pants! Pants! Pants! Pants!

Ron: She's had enough. Call it off.

Tammy One: That's not how it works. She's out.

April: Wait, I'm subbing in.

Ron: April, no. That stuff will melt the shell off a garden snail.

April: Whatever. I'm Puerto Rican, I can handle it. [April takes a swig of the liquor, but spits it out in disgust] FUCK! OH MY GOD!

Ron: Okay! This ends now! [Ron chugs the entire jug of liquor to everyone's amazement in 15 seconds] Mom, you're going back to the farm. And you. [To Tammy One] You're going back to Hell.

Tammy One: Fine. I got what I came for anyway. I found your underground safe. I stole half your gold.

Ron: That's decoy gold! Do you think I'd leave my gold in a locked safe buried underground where anyone could find it? You don't know me at all.

Tammy One: Yes I do. I knew you the minute you were born, I intend to be there the minute you die.

[Tammy One walks out]

Leslie: Ron...your family's weird...

Born and Raised [4.3]

Derry: Welcome to Thoughts For Your Thoughts. I'm Derry Murbles, filling in for David Parker who took off for 8 months to study the migration patterns of our nation's squirrels. We have not seen him since.

Leslie: I wrote a book. The First Historical Guide to Pawnee. I wrote it as a reference for myself, but then my campaign advisors said we should make it a big wide release. So we had people contribute, we added pictures, and we removed a lot of my poems and emotional ramblings and pictures of unicorns, and here it is!

Derry: Leslie could one say that a book is nothing more than a painting of words which are the notes on the tapestry of the greatest film ever sculpted?

Leslie: ...One could say that...but should one?

Ann: Hey I'm thinking about getting a new phone, do you guys like your phones?

April: [while texting] I've never used a phone in my life.

Leslie: I was born in Pawnee. I'd stake my reputation on it. I have to tell ya this feels like "Gotcha" journalism.

Joan: In what way?

Leslie: In that way. [points to her picture] You put "Gotcha" on my face.

Joan: After the break. Where was Leslie Knope actually born?

Leslie: Pawnee!

Joan: We will pull out the world map and speculate wildly!

[music starts and dancers come out]

Leslie: Oh God not the Gotcha Dancers!

Ann: I could leave. I could, but I'm not going to. I will get my one minute of small talk, dammit! And it will be CASUAL and it will be AMICABLE!

Woman: I think I speak on behalf of the entire world when I say we need to know the truth about where you were born.

Leslie: Okay. Well-

Chris: Leslie, let me handle this. Does it really matter? I mean how many of you were actually born in Pawnee?

[everyone in the room except Chris raises their hand]

Chris: ..Fair enough.

Leslie: No matter what you heard ma'am, I was born here.

Old Lady: If you were so born here, then where's your birth certificate?

Leslie: Well I don't carry my birth certificate around with me-

Man: Why!? Because you're hiding something!? You should go back where you came from!

Leslie: I am back from where I came from!

Man: That sentence was confusing! You might as well be from China!

Joan: When I was 18, Val Kilmer saw me at a mall and told me I should model.

Ben: ...That never happened.

Tom: So Joan how is married life treating ya? Your husband still know he's the luckiest man in the world?

Joan: Santino and I are actually divorcing.

Tom: Oh...

Joan: It's actually quite liberating. I'm a woman with a strong sexual appetite. I'm like a caged peacock yearning for the wind on her haunches.

Ben: That's a...powerful metaphor...

Joan: Drink up, Tom. I'm gonna go powder my nose... amongst other things... if you know what I mean.

Ben: Is she going to powder her vagina?

Ann: Well, I've made a little progress. I'm up to seven seconds with April.

[cut to Ann trying to talk to April]

Ann: Hey April, I was looking to get some new music and I was wondering if you could recommend anything.

April: ...The internet.

Ann: I really like your haircut, where'd you get it?

April: Prison.

Ann: How's your sister doing?

April: She has the shingles.

Ann: Who's your favorite character on Sex and the City?

April: Alf.

[cut back to Ann being interviewed]

Ann: And nine seconds with Ron.

[cut to Ann trying to talk to Ron]

Ann: You're stranded on a desert island, what's the one thing you bring with you?

Ron: Silence...

Ann: ...

Tom: So Ben, tell us about Star Trek.

Ben: Well, they're making a sequel. [pause] I assume with the same alternate storyline, but if JJ Abrams and company expect us to believe that it's Spock with the romantic tension with Uhura and not Kirk, well let's just say the message boards are going nuts.

[pause]

Joan: [drunkenly] You know what I wanna do? I wanna take you both home and [bleep] bend you both over and just[bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep] at the same time.

Leslie: Oh God. I wonder who else was born in Eagleton...Voldemort, probably.

Pawnee Rangers [4.4]

Ron: Gentlemen. Wilderness Weekend it upon us. There will be no video games. There will be no internet pads. This weekend you have two parents. Me and Mother Nature.

Andy: And I am Mother Nature's brother. Brother Nature. But you can call me Andy or Brother Nature. Your call.

Ron: Thank you Andy.

Andy: Brother Nature.

Leslie: To Abigail, "Flyest Hairstyle."

[applause]

Leslie: And Ann gets the badge for "Second Flyest Hairstyle!"

Ann: Oh. I wasn't competing for that.

Leslie: I'll say!

Leslie: Hey Ron, whose club do you think is better? Yours or mine? The answer is mine. Say mine is better.

Ron: It's not a competition.

Leslie: Oh but it is! Your club made it a competition when they kept girls out. [in a mocking country accent] Oh my stars! I'm just a little lady! My fragile constitution cannot handle the fearsome outdoors!

Ron: I have no problem with strong women Leslie!

Leslie: [still in the fake accent] Who's Leslie!? My name is Annabelle Vandergraf and...y'all...I just fall to pieces when...the sun shines on my haird...

Donna: What is wrong with you today? Did they cancel Game of Thrones?

Ben: Nothing is wrong, just do your job. And they would never cancel Game of Thrones. It's a crossover hit. It's not just for fantasy enthusiasts, they're telling human stories in a fantasy world.

Leslie: Okay so what did everybody make for their loosely structured craft time? Lauren?

Lauren: I made a Gertrude Stein!

[applause]

Leslie: Amazing! Lauren, that's so good! I really wouldn't wanna follow that. Ann?

Ann: Oh boy...Um I was making some corn husk dolls for everyone. But they kind of turned out wrong so they look like monsters.

Everyone: ...

Ann: I'm sorry. I'm just gonna put that over there...in the fire. [throws dolls in the fire]

Leslie: Well Ann's keeping us warm and that's important.

Tom: Once a year Donna and I spend a day treating ourselves. What do we treat ourselves to?

Donna: Clothes.

Tom: Treat Yo Self!

Donna: Fragrances.

Tom: Treat Yo Self!

Donna: Massages.

Tom: Treat Yo Self!

Donna: Mimosas.

Tom: Treat Yo Self!

Donna: Fine. Leather. Goods.

Tom: Treat Yo Self!

Donna: It's the best day of the year.

Tom & Donna: [singing] The Best Day Of The Year!

Ron: You are defecting?

Darren: I like you Mr. Swanson it's just, all we do is sit in silence and eat beans.

Ron: Those beans were a reward.

Donna: Relaxation lesson number one: Acupuncture. It's great for your back and your rear. Needles in your face, pleasure in yo' base.

Leslie: Come on Goddesses. We just struck a huge blow for equality by proving that we were better than them!

Lauren: What about a public forum? You always say there's no better solution to a hot button issue than a good old fashioned public forum!

Leslie: ...[quietly] Great idea Lauren.

Lauren: What was that?

Leslie: I said great idea Lauren!

Leslie: I've taught them too well. I've created a mob of little Leslie Knope monsters. I'm so proud. And a little annoyed. But mostly proud...70-30.

Donna: I really want this dress and I like this crystal beetle but it's expensive and there's no use for it.

Tom: Donna Meagle. Treat Yo Self.

Ben: ...

Tom: Velvet slippys, cashmere socks, velvet pants, cashmere turtle. I'm a cashmere, velvet candy cane.

Donna: Treat Yo Self!

Ben: ...This is insane.

[Ben walks out of the changing room in a Batman costume]

Tom: Oh My God! Oh My God! Oh My God! This is a whole new level of nerd!

Ben: You're right. This is ridiculous. What am I doing?

Tom: Wait no no no no no! I mean that in a good way Ben! Listen to me. You're part of the Treat Yo Self team now okay!? If that costume somehow makes you happy, you're gonna buy it! You're gonna wear it out of the store. Okay? You're gonna Treat Yourself!

Ben: Yeah you know what? I'm gonna do that! I'm gonna treat myself. Thanks you guys. [starts crying] I really needed this. I'm gonna treat myself!

Donna: Uh oh. Batman's crying.

Ron: When did kids get so interested in fun?

Ann: I bought this mackerel at the Supermarket. I've been standing in the water, with the fish, on my hook for 30 minutes. I saw it on an episode of I Love Lucy. Pathetic? Maybe. But, feels pretty good to have a bunch of little boys be super into me...that came out wrong.

Meet N Greet [4.5]

Leslie: [being interviewed] When you work in government, people often suspect that you're anti-business. So I'm throwing a little meet n greet with business owners and I've asked Tom's company to help. Here's my opening line: Hi, I'm Leslie Knope and I'm in the business of being city counselor.

Tom: Oh my God!

Leslie: I'm not going to use that.

Ben: I take it we're having a party?

Andy: Dude! I knew there was something I forgot to tell you. Sorry.

Ben: No, no, no. It's fine. Why should you guys tell me you're gonna have an enormous party? I didn't tell you I was gonna be quietly working in my room.

Andy: That's a good point.

Ben: My family is very non-confrontational. My parents' method of problem-solving is to kind of keep everything bottled up and just subtly hint at what's bothering them. And after 36 years, they are still divorced.

Chris: Donna! Blue shirt, badge, night stick. You are a policewoman.

Donna: Yup. You're a regular-

Chris: -Sherlock Holmes! I solved that mystery before you did.

Donna: Okay this was fun... [walks away]

Andy: Hey Ron, good to see ya! Weren't you a pirate last year?

Ron: Yes. This is my Halloween costume. Andrew are you aware that your bathroom faucet is leaking?

Andy: Are you kidding me?! I just stuffed a sock in it yesterday! What else do they want me to do?

Ron: There's an exposed wire above the bathtub as well.

Andy: Oh yeah shock wire! I call it that cause if you take a shower and you touch the wire, YOU DIE!

Ron: ...Yes that is accurate.

Leslie: Look, I don't like to throw around the word "butthead" often. If you call everyone a butthead, it kind of loses its impact. But I can say without hesitation that Tom is being a real dick.

Ron: No home is complete without a proper toolbox. Here's April and Andy's: A hammer, half of a pretzel, baseball card, some cartridge that says sonic and hedgehog, a scissor half, and a flashlight filled with jellybeans.

[Leslie is chatting with some local business owners]

Leslie: Although I've not worked with you professionally, as a private citizen I have personally patronized each and every one of your establishments.

Tanya: Hmmm I've never seen you buy a salad at Sue's Salads.

Leslie: Cause I don't hate myself Tanya.

[Tanya looks insulted]

Leslie: I'm sorry. I know I should be chasing your vote but I stand behind my decision to avoid salad and other disgusting things. And I think I have a lot of support in the community for that.

[The other business owners smile and nod approvingly]

Leslie: Despite the fact that this seems like a party for Tom's face, I think it's going pretty well. When in doubt, in Pawnee, slam salad.

Leslie: Hey! You stole the nipple king! Thanks a lot traitor!

Tom: I'm sorry I just needed to ask him about this one thing but we're all good now. What if I just introduce you for your speech?

Leslie: I have a better idea. Why don't you go over to one of your rugs and sit on your own face!?

[Ron is shopping at Lowe's for things to fix April and Andy's house]

Lowe's Employee: Hi there! Is there a project you're working on?

Ron: I know more than you.

Lowe's Employee: ...Alright.

Leslie: [giving a speech] Pawnee has suffered through a tough economy and what has kept our town alive is you, the small business man. And I'm not referring to your stature Gary, you are a giant in this community. So many businesses represented here today; Food N Stuff, JJ's Diner, Glenmore Discount Cemetery, Tramp Stamp Tattoos, Enormous Kenny's Fired Dough Stand & Mobile Phone Emporium. Who else? [quietly] Sue's Salads... [someone in the background boos] Smooth Operator Bikini Waxes, Jeff's Savings & Loan...

[Ron and Ann have just fixed the bathroom sink]

Ann: Oh my God! We made it work!

Ron: It's a good feeling. Sense of accomplishment and pride. Damn it I just love it so much.

Andy: We need to deal with what's bothering you.

Ben: [sarcastically] Oh please, come into my room.

Andy: See? You're angry at me and you're not talking about it and I'm gonna beat you up until you do because I'm mature.

[starts beating up Ben]

[Ron and Ann have just fixed the kitchen sink]

Ron: I see you've got the handle on that torque wrench.

Ann: Yeah well the flange was a little warped so I just goosed it with a triple three bolt smack.

Ron: That was nonsense.

Ann: I know but it's so fun to talk like that!

Ron: You know what, keep this. [Hands Ann the toolbox] You earned it.

Ann: [touched] Thanks Ron.

Leslie: Tom Haverford is a selfish, unctuous, sleazy, self-promoting, good-hearted, secretly kind and wonderful tiny little person.

End of the World [4.6]

Tom: Well, Entertainment 720 is dead. It's up in company heaven along with Pets.com, Blockbuster, and Ask Jeeves. My company is no better than a company where you ask a fake butler to Google things for you.

Ron: What religion am I? Well, I'm a practicing none of your [bleep] business.

The Treaty [4.7]

Leslie: I need a few more volunteers. Andy, will you be Iceland?

Andy: The bad guys from Mighty Ducks 2? Don't think so.

Leslie: OK, how about Japan?

Andy: The bad guys from Karate Kid 2? Even worse. How about Germany? They've never been the bad guys.

Ben: It's a white flag, and you better start waving it now, Leslie!

Leslie: The only thing I'll be waving is your decapitated head on a stick in front of your weeping mother!

Ben: ...Good Lord.

Leslie: Who is ready to join the coalition of the willing?

April: The Moon shall join your coalition!

Leslie: Look at that, we got the freaking Moon. What are you gonna do without tides, Peru?

Smallest Park [4.8]

Ron: I value a good education, so I don't want to see Andy waste his time in college. Of all my co-workers, he's one of a small number whom I don't actively root against. Ah, there I go getting all sappy.

Leslie: I'm just freaking out. The only thing we have left is work and now he doesn't want to work together anymore. What does that all mean?

Ann: I think you know what it means.

Leslie: Yeah. I should just drag out that tiny park project for as long as possible so Ben and I can keep working together.

Ann: That's almost exactly the opposite of what I meant.

Leslie: No, what I'll do is I'll get the neighborhood all riled up and then maybe they'll ask for an environmental impact report, and then Ben and I will work together for at least another year. Good idea, Ann.

Ann: Leslie, for God's sakes...

Leslie: No, Ann, please I beg of you, will you just shut your beautiful pie hole? Just sit there and let me stare are at you while you silently support me on this gameplan.

Ann: Leslie...

Leslie: [hugging Ann] Shh Ann...

Ann: Leslie...

Leslie:Your quiet support means the world to me, as does your tacit endorsement of all my behaviors.

Ron: On my first day of college, my father dropped me off. At the steel mill. He didn't think I should go to college.

The Trial of Leslie Knope [4.9]

Leslie: Tom, will you please tell the committee why we were kissing?

Tom: An online dating site randomly paired us up, so as a joke I thought it would be funny to pretend you and I were dating. And then you kissed me as a joke to shut me up.

Leslie: But we never had any other romantic contact after that?

Tom: No, that would be like dating my older sister's elderly aunt.

Leslie: No it wouldn't!

Chris: Ms. Swanson, do you - as you claimed - have evidence that links Leslie Knope and Ben Wyatt to law-breaking?

Tammy Two: Absolutely. I have several photographs that will definitively prove...

Chris: May I remind you that you are under oath and if you lie I will fire you and have you prosecuted.

Tammy Two: Nothing! They will definitively prove nothing. Oh, you cut me off. I don't have any evidence! Oh Chris, so silly. OK bye, guys! Leslie, have fun with this trial. Yay!

Citizen Knope [4.10]

Ann : Your campaign advisors quit. Big deal. You're running for city council again, Leslie. With our help.

April: April Ludgate. Youth Outreach and Director of New Media.

Tom: Tom Haverford. Image Consultant, Swagger Coach.

Ann: Ann Perkins. Office Manager and Volunteer Coordinator.

Andy: Andy Dwyer. Security, Sweets, Body Man, Javelin, if need be.

Donna: Donna Meagle. Transpo', AKA rides in my Benz.

Jerry: Wh...You guys didn't tell me we were doing this. I did not know I was supposed to come up with something. I...

Ron: Ron Swanson. Any other damn thing you might need.

Leslie: Guys, it's so much work. I can't ask you to put your lives on hold.

Ron: Find one person here who you haven't helped by putting your life on hold.

Leslie: [choked up] I don't know what to say...except let's go win an election!

Barney: Welcome, Mr. Saperstein.

Jean-Ralphio: Thanks so much!

Barney: I will just show you to your cubicle.

Jean-Ralphio: I can't wait. I bet it's a big one, huh Barney?

Barney: The temp agency said that you are fluent in QuickBooks Pro, correct?

Jean-Ralphio: Oh right yeah, we should cover that. Y'see, my resume might not actually be accurate, right? So I have no idea what you're talking about. Don't know what QuickBooks are.

Barney: You don't have any accounting experience?

Jean-Ralphio: No, no, no, Barney, c'mon. But you don't have to be an accountant to know that this girl is a 10. Yo, what up, Diaz? Come here often?

Nancy: To my job?

Jean-Ralphio: Oh, sharp mouth on her also. Shut it.

Nancy: Is this the new temp who's supposed to help me with the spreadsheets?

Jean-Ralphio: You wanna talk about spreading the sheets, we can go back to my place and I will rock your—

Barney: You're fired!

Jean-Ralphio: That makes sense. So I just go out the same way I came in?

The Comeback Kid [4.11]

Ann: Leslie, I don't know the first thing about running a political campaign.

Leslie: Ann, you beautiful tropical fish. You're smart as a whip and you're cool under pressure. You've resuscitated a human heart in your bare hands!

Ann: No I haven't.

Leslie: You haven't!?

Ann: No!

Leslie: You will. You're that good of a nurse.

Leslie: Ann don't listen to your head or your heart. Just look at my eyes and say yes.

Ann: Okay yes!

Leslie: Yes! I believe in you Ann.

Ann: Thank you.

Leslie: And your first job as my campaign manager is to start dressing like one. I don't wanna have this conversation again.

Ann: Again? You just hired me eight seconds ago.

April: Wow you're doing a really bad job.

Leslie: William, Elizabeth!

William: Leslie, hi.

Leslie: Hi. What are you...are you coming to see me? Did you hear that I'm relaunching my campaign?

William: Actually, no sorry we weren't here to see you. We've been meeting with other potential candidates for City Council.

Leslie: Oh really? So my campaign ends and just like that you find someone else and run theirs?

Elizabeth: Yes that's our job.

Leslie: ...I know. Good luck! But I just had a big meeting with my new advisory board and they're brilliant and amazing! They're real killers.

Andy: Leslie! I tried to make ramen in the coffee pot and I broke everything.

Leslie: ...Thank you Andy! I'll be right in.

William: Well uh, good luck Leslie. Honestly.

[William and Elizabeth start walking away]

Leslie: Well we don't need luck....We are a rocket ship...We're relaunching and we're gonna blast past your candid-and they're gone.

Leslie: It's true. I no longer have highly trained, professional campaign managers. So what? Are most murders committed by highly trained, professional assassins? No, they're committed by friends and coworkers! ...That analogy was way better in my head.

[Andy and April Introduce Ben to Champion]

Ben: That is a three-legged dog.

Andy: His name is Champion cause he's the dog world's champion.

Ben: Okay I have to ask this, I'm sorry but how many legs did that dog have when you found him?

Andy: Three! That what makes him the best! He can do more with three legs than most dogs can do with four.

April: Except for digging! He's really bad a digging.

Andy: And we remembered what you said about making decisions in the house. You wanna be involved, we get that. So, you just say the word and Champion goes back to the pound where he can be put down and killed forever.

Ben: ...I'm not gonna send a three-legged dog to his death.

Andy: Yes!

Ben: But I'm also not gonna take care of him for you.

April: Well it would be nice if you helped a little. Because unlike you, Andy and I have jobs.

Ben: ...Cruel but fair.

Leslie: You look like a real campaign manager.

Ann: Thanks that's because I googled campaign manager and noticed that they wear a lot of dark colors.

Leslie: See there's more things to look at on the internet besides naked guys Ann.

Ann: ...What?

Tom: Is there even enough room for everyone?

April: Here sit on my lap.

Tom: No that's humiliating! Can't I at least sit on Andy's lap?

Andy: No that's Champion's spot, he called it.

Ron: Tom we're already late. Now be a man and sit on that girl's lap.

Tom: Yes sir.

Leslie: Let's not talk about dunking anymore. Let's talk about what you wanna do.

Pistol Pete: Okay.

Leslie: I think you wanna dunk.

Pistol Pete: I'm not gonna dunk the ball.

Ann: What about a layup?

Ron: Officer I've been operating heavy machinery since I was eight years old. Now I respect you and your service to this town and your country, but what laws are we breaking exactly?

Officer: Well you got four people in the front seat. Nobody's wearing a seat belt. You were speeding and blasting your horn through the hospital zone. The rear of the vehicle's open. Debris' been falling out. And you don't have a commercial license to drive a truck.

Ron: Okay well you and I have a philosophical difference on what constitutes a law.

Leslie: Glenn you're killing me.

Officer Glenn: They broke about 50 laws Knope! And that girl, she tried to get that gimp dog to bite me.

Leslie: Look I could sit here and fill out all the paperwork but you and I both know that you'd rather go home to Debra, eat a nice home-cooked meal and do what comes naturally.

Officer Glenn: That's not appropriate...

Leslie: Ron how's the stage coming?

Ron: Well, since we had to jettison the bulk of the wood, this is the biggest I could make it. [presents tiny stage]

Leslie: Oh my God. [notices her trimmed down banner] Good lord! What happened to the rest of my face!?

Andy: We had to jetsons most of the poster too but I kinda like it cause windows are the eyes to the house.

Leslie: Jerry you were in charge of getting a crowd. Please tell me that you pulled a Jerry and no-one's here.

Jerry: Okay well first of all, I don't like it when you guys use that term. And for the record, I came through. There are almost 100 people out there!

Leslie: Oh damn it Jerry! You just had to do your job didn't you?!

April: Yeah can't you do anything wrong Jerry?

Leslie: I've been looking at our utter and complete lack of experience as a positive thing...but I'm...starting to think it might actually be a problem.

Leslie: [giving her relaunch speech] As a loyal Pawneean, I've always been proud of this town. And I uh...um...Sorry my cards got out of order here when they fell. Um...together we can defeat...obese children...I'm sure that was something positive originally. I'm sorry, okay this is...this is just a disaster isn't it? This is the worst political event ever in history! Well I can assure you people in the bleachers that if you follow my campaign it will be interesting!

Leslie: Ann you're fired.

Ann: Oh thank God.

Campaign Ad [4.12]

Leslie: He is attractive, and charming, and his family employs half the town. But so what? I am a lifelong government bureaucrat who's well versed in the issues. And those are the kind of sexy qualifications that win elections.

Chris: Thank you, John, for coming in. The Public Works department is wonderful and you are the best idea man in the business.

Ron: Also we're cancelling all of your ongoing projects.

John: What? What about the Pawnee River dam?

Ron: Dam's dead. Have a nice day.

John: Where will all the water go?

Ron: Wherever it's headed now. The important thing is the dam is never happening and your dream has been crushed.

Chris: We're very sorry.

Ron: I am not. Good meeting.

Bowling For Votes [4.13]

Jerry: Is everybody feeling good?

April: Oh, I don't know Jerry. It's Sunday night, I'm making phone calls to strangers, and you're in my house. My life couldn't be worse.

Ron: [on bowling] Straight down the middle. No hook, no spin, no fuss. Anything more and this becomes figure skating.

Ron: When I eat, it's the food that's scared.

Operation Ann [4.14]

Andy: April hates Valentine's Day. And brunch, and outside, and smiling. [laughs] She's weird.

Leslie: [quietly] Oh Ann you beautiful spinster. I will find you love.

Ann: What did you say something?

Leslie: Love you!

Ron: Thank you all for being here. Let's get started.

Leslie: Wow! Great attitude Ron.

Ron: Sorry, I was talking to these ribs.

Tom: Quick question about Ann. Does anybody know if she has any Indian in her?

Leslie: No one respond. No one say anything.

Tom: Why? I'm just curious if Ann has a little Indian in her.

Leslie: Silence.

Jerry: ...I don't think she does-

Tom: Would she like some!?

Tom: I found a DJ for the dance and his name is DJ Bluntz.

Chris: [reading the flyer] Tom, this a publicly funded couple's dance. I don't think it's appropriate for people to be getting wet with sound.

Andy: Aww cool cryptex! Can I have it!?

Ben: Hey! No, no you can't!

Andy: Where'd you get it!?

Ben: How do you know what a cryptex is?

Andy: I know what things are.

Ben: Well Leslie hid the location of our Valentine's meeting place in here. I've tried every five letter word that has anything to do with our third date.

Andy: Have you tried 'Fuck!?'

Ben: ...That's a four letter word.

Andy: Oh. Add an 'S'?

Ben: I really don't think it's that.

Andy: I wish I could help you bro, I don't know if I can. You're like the second smartest guy I know. You should go to the first smartest guy I know.

[cut to Ben and Andy in Ron's office]

Ben: So the clue is inside and it takes a five-letter code to open.

Ron: ...Did you try 'Fucks?'

Andy: Ha!

Ben: Yes! Why is that everyone's first suggestion?!

Andy: Just smart people.

Ron: I think I might be able to help you.

Andy: Told ya!

[Ron takes a hammer and smash open the cryptex]

[Jerry walks into the dance with an extremely good looking man]

Jerry: Leslie! I found a date for Ann!

Leslie: Jerry! Well done!

Jerry: I put an ad on Craigslist. "Man Seeking Man For A Night of Casual Fun." Enrico here responded right away!

Enrico: I'll meet you inside okay?

Jerry: Okay! Thanks dude.

Tom: You hired a male escort.

Jerry: A what?

Leslie: Please get your gigolo out of here.

Jerry: [realizing his mistake] ...Oh my God...

Leslie: How are you?

Ann: Well it's Valentine's Day and I'm single and I'm at a couple's dance. Can't imagine a more depressing place to be!

Leslie: How about a wedding where you used to go out with the groom and you're the only one there without a date so the bride makes you dance to 'Single Ladies' by yourself?

Ann: Oh my God did that happen to you?

Leslie: Maybe! Let's get a drink!

Tom: Hey, Kris Kross, can we change up the music? It kinda sounds like the end of a movie about a monk who killed himself.

Chris: It is.

Tom: Listen man! There's some attractive women here! Why don't you rebound!?

Chris: Nobody here compares to Millicent. Except maybe Jerry. Technically, they share 50% of the same DNA. [starts staring longingly at Jerry]

Tom: Stop staring at Jerry like that!

Dave Returns [4.15]

Trumple: Look Knope, I've always liked you, but the Newports run this town, and frankly they've donated a lot of money to the department.

Ben: Mo' money, mo' problems, that's what I always say.

Trumple: How about mo' money, mo' protective kevlar vests that save lives?

Ben: I-I...sometimes I say that, too.

Leslie: I understand you need to think about it, but if you were gonna make a decision...

Trumple: The guys are throwing me a little retirement thing tonight at O'Flinigans. There's gonna be beer so why don't you swing by, I'll give you an answer. Weirdo can come, too.

Ben: Alright.

Leslie: Let's go.

Ben: Oh hey, uh, may I say...

Leslie: Don't.

Ben: ...that the boys in blue...

Leslie: Stop.

Ben: ...are heroes. Obviously some more than others. Oh boy, here it comes........9/11.

Leslie: And we're walking.

Ben: OK.

Dave: Uh, yes, uh, Leslie Knope is a female person with whom I was, uh, involved. We had [clears throat] romantic...romantical involvement until I relocated to San Diego. Which is a...that's, uh, in California, which is southwest of here by a number of miles, so, uh, we terminated our involvement at that time.

Sweet Sixteen [4.16]

Donna: We're not big on hospitality. The Meagles are a cold people.

Ron: Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.

Campaign Shake-Up [4.17]

Leslie: "Not enough ramps" is the number three complaint among Pawnee seniors, right behind "Everything hurts" and "I'm dying."

Ron: It reminds me of when my dad made me choose which of my pet calves to slaughter with my own hands for my 6th birthday. I couldn't choose, so I slaughtered both of them. And they were delicious.

Donna: Do I look like I drink water?

Lucky [4.18]

Tom: It says "nympho" on the butt in silver sparkly letters. Nympho means you're addicted to sex, and since it's on the butt, there are other implications as well. So those are a maybe.

April: Why are you here eating alone?

Chris: I'm not. I'm surrounded by friends. Friends I don't know yet. And I'm engrossed in this book. It's the true story of a woman born with no arms and no legs who attempted to swim the English Channel.

April: That's impossible.

Chris: Oh, she drowned immediately. It's kind of a sad story.

Live Ammo [4.19]

Leslie: I've gotten to know the city councilmen pretty well because of my campaign. If you hear them talking about "that blonde pain in the ass", that's me.

Ron: Now if you'll excuse me, there's a hot, spinning cone of meat in that Greek restaurant next door. I don't know what it is, but I'd like to eat the whole thing.

The Debate [4.20]

Chris: This is the best possible job for me. I could literally make anything sound positive.

Tom: Your house just burned down and you lost all your money in the stock market.

Chris: It's a chance to start over. Fire is cleansing. And true wealth is measured by the amount of love in your life.

Chris: If I had to have anybody tell me that I have cancer, I would want it to be me.

Leslie: Is the menu all set?

Ron: Yes I will be providing several slabs of my world famous Swanson ribs.

April: And I will be providing my world famous $100 lap dances!

Andy: Sweet!

Leslie: No!

Donor: So you do a lot of investing?

Andy: We like to dabble. I recently invested in some shirts at a garage sale. Left those at a Wendy's on the way home, so... [chuckles, lifts up wine glass and stares at it] The economy.

Ron: Hello. You are here because you gave us money. Now we will give you ribs. Also you will watch the debate. If you like the debate you'll give us more money. That is all. Ron Swanson.

Leslie: Do it! Fierce! Power! Pump it up! 2012! Nothing gets me more amped than Sarah McLachlan!

[Candidates are giving their opening statements]

Fester Trim: I'm Fester Trim. Many of you know me as the man who sells you your guns at the Gunbelievable Gun Emporium.

Random Guy In The Crowd: Woo!

Fester Trim: I want to tell ya about my idea for assault rifle vending machines.

Brandi Maxxxx: You might be thinking, what would an adult film star know about politics? Well, I produced and starred in over 400 adult films this year alone.

Same Random Guy In The Crowd: Woo!

Brandi Maxxxx: Thank you. And just like Leslie, I know what it's like to be the only woman in a room full of men.

Enrico De La Rosa: I am Enrico De La Rosa. I believe animals are as important as people. And if elected, I will fight for them as if they are my own children.

Brandi Maxxxx: I'd just like to say that like Leslie, I don't have people do my work for me. Leslie and I do our work ourselves. My work of course is having sex with men and women on camera.

Joan Callamezzo: Once again Brandi and Leslie are essentially the same person.

Bus Tour [4.21]

Andy: Okay, listen up folks, we have a security situation here. As you know when we reach the location, I will be conducting a security sweep. Also, from now on, we will be using code names. You can address me, as “Eagle 1”. Ann, Codename “Been There Done That.” April is “Currently Doing That.” Donna is “It Happened Once in a Dream.” Chris codename “If I Had to Pick a Dude.” Ben is “Eagle 2”.

Ben: Oh thank God.

Leslie: [giving her stump speech] What do we want for our city? I'll tell you what I want. I want better schools. I want cleaner streets. I want to expel the violent gangs of geese in Detweiler Square. And I will finally eliminate this city's libraries!

[Applause and cheers from the crowd]

Ben: Everybody says they care about the issues, but at the end of the day all anyone really wants is free clothing shot at them from a cannon.

Tom: He's just playing hard ball. Let me tell you how it's going to go down: In a few minutes, we'll walk in there, we'll give him our demands, and then BAM, I start crying.

Leslie: Okay Ben what do we do?!

Ben: It's unfortunate but the stakes are too high! We can't just stop campaigning. We stop, we lose!

Leslie: Good answer, great body! Ann try to beat what he said.

Ann: I'm not gonna beat him.

Leslie: Not with that attitude!

Ann: Okay fine! I think you should stop. At least until you apologize to Bobby in person.

Leslie: April?

April: I wasn't listening but I strongly disagree with Ann!

Leslie: Andy?

Andy: If..I..If...The guy...

Leslie: Okay!

Donna: If you let Newport have the vans they'll just sit there in a lot. If you let us have the vans, they drive around town all day. Free publicity. Everyone will see your logo...which is you all pressed up on some chick with huge cans.

Bill: Yeah. It was a helluva day. People need to know about it.

Leslie: And that is "Groffle the Awful Waffle," a book I wrote and published on behalf of my education initiative. Any questions?

Little Girl: How did Groffle cross the syrup river? And why did you call Mr. Newport a jerk?

Leslie: ...I should not have called Nick Newport a jerk because we need to be respectful of all dead people. I mean not Stalin or Hitler...I'm not calling Nick Newport Hitler.

Reporter: Ms. Knope I have a follow-up to what I'm now deciding to call "Jerkgate." Are there any other deceased members of Bobby Newport's family you'd like to attack?

Reporter: And quit ducking the waffle question. Did Groffle use a boat of some kind?

Ben: Alright! That's all the questions for now. Thank you everybody.

Reporter: Are we to assume that he swam across the syrup river?

[Donna is blocking Bill's truck with her Mercedes]

Bill: Hey! What the hell guys?! Move!

Donna: Alright! Ya'll got your seat belts on?

[Donna throws her Benz in reverse and slams into Bill's truck]

Donna: Did you see that!? That son of a bitch just rear-ended me!

Tom: Am I dead?

Bill: WHAT THE HELL!?

Donna: Exactly Bill. What the hell? You just rear-ended me.

Bill: That is not what happened.

Donna: I got witnesses.

Tom: Yeah. It went down exactly as my girl said it did you mean bald man.

Bill: [To Ron] Hey what about you? Mister "a man's word is sacred."

Ron: Well it is but you're an asshole.

Donna: So we can settle this now. I will accept payment in van rentals.

Bill: GAH!

Andy: Sewage Joe! Ben Wyatt fired you for sending pictures of your penis to everyone and you've come here to pie him!

Sewage Joe: The little twerp has it coming!

Andy: Oh do I dare ya! Please! Give me one reason to take you down. I would love nothing-

[Sewage Joe throws a pie in Ben's face]

Andy: Aww Fuck Ben! Sorry!

[Police take Sewage Joe away]

Andy: Oh ho! I did it!

Ben: [covered in pie] Yeah...Great job.

Win, Lose, or Draw [4.22]

Tom: Last night at approximately 2:30am, I woke up from a dream that felt so real it had to be a premonition. Me, Drake, and the T-Mobile girl were playing baccarat on a private jet. Ann Perkins walks up to me and says "Tommy, tomorrow night, I'm taking you back". Then Blue Ivy Carter high-fived me and gave me $40 million dollars. It was all so real.

Ben: Your victory speech, Councilwoman Knope.

Leslie: Someday, when I'm more emotionally stable, I want to read the concession speech you wrote for me.

Ben: I never wrote it.

Leslie: City Council, bitches!