Paul Blart: Mall Cop
- [talking to himself] What are you trained to do? Nothing...
- [from trailer] Nobody knows this mall better than I do.
- [from trailer] Safety never takes a holiday.
- [after showing a Loch Ness Monster tattoo on his lower back that he got while drunk] It's the Loch Ness Monster. I don't drink.
- [headbutts criminal] No one wins with a headbutt.
- Scuba-doody-doo! [sends a scuba tank into a villain, knocking him out]
- [sees Leon hanging by a rope, being pulled up into the air ducts] I wish I had a bat. I would burst you open, see how much much candy fell out.
- It's like my mother always said, if you want something done right, waste them yourself. I'm paraphrasing, but you get the idea.
- Peanut Blart and jelly! What, what? What's up, man?
- Alright, you have all completed the written exam. However, you must now pass the obsticle coarse to be admitted into the training program. And remember, survive this and you are on front lines of keeping New Jersey safe.
- Kent: You see jackass, I don't need the phone. I got all the access codes written on their arms. And once I get rid of you three...
- [Kent is suddenly shot in the arm. He and Howard look in shock at Chief Brooks who shot him with Howard's gun. Howard retrieves his gun and cuffs Kent]
- Howard: I got a newsflash for you: your flight's been canceled!
- Brooks: [looking at his notebook of comebacks] That's better than anything I got!
- [Howard looks at Brooks list of lame comebacks to use against Kent]
- Howard: "You and what army?" He has an army!
- Veck: When are you going to give up, Blart?
- Paul: How about now? I'll meet you on the corner of "NE" and "VER"!
- Paul: This lemonade is insane!
- Vijay: That's because it's a Margarita, Paul.
- Maya: [reading ad] Okay, next question. "Tell me about yourself."
- Paul: Let's see. I know a lot about sharks.
- Mom: Let me stop you right there.
- Leon: (runs in a room with Amy and Stuart) Hey, yall. There's some crazy ass people trying to take over the mall.
- Stuart: I'm outta here.
- Veck: (to Amy) What do you say?
- Amy: Go to hell.
- Veck: Ouch.