Prisoner (TV series)

Prisoner (1979–1986) is an Australian soap opera that is set in the Wentworth Detention Centre, a fictional women's prison. In The United States and United Kingdom it was billed as Prisoner: Cell Block H, and in Canada as Caged Women.

Episode 010

   (Helen stands up)
    Helen: I'm sorry, but we're not prepared to eat this
    Vera: Aren't you. Well that's up to you, you can eat it or starve, doesn't bother me either way
    Helen: I want to see the Governor
    Vera: Why don't you just sit down and eat your breakfast
    Helen: I want to see the Governor
    Vera: Sit down!
    (Bea gets up)
    Bea: She wants to see the Governor
    (Doreen stands up)
    Doreen: Yeah, she wants to see the Governor
    (Karen stands up)
    They all chant: She wants to see the Governor X 2
    Vera: Shut up!
    They all chant: She wants to see the Governor
    Vera Shut up!
    They all chant: She wants to see the Governor
    (Vera leaves the dining area to get Erica)
    Bea: She's gone to get the Governor

Episode 015

   Marilyn: Eddie
   Vera: You know the rules, Mason, no physical contact
   Eddie: Ah, look I don't work here anymore Ms. Bennett. You reported me remember. I'm just a plain ordinary visitor
   Bea: I didn't know you had it in you Vera. Helping out a couple of kids in love. Now they don't have to meet behind locked
   doors, thanks to you
   Vera: You've got a big mouth, Smith
   Bea: Yeah, so they say

   Marilyn: You found a job yet
   Eddie: No, no one seems to want electricians
   Vera: They're probably looking for someone who works
   Bea: Let's walk. The airs better

Episode 017

   Erica: I don't think it's at all funny, trying to ruin the reputation of a good officer
   Bea: I thought we were talking about Vera

Episode 029

   Vera: well, you can all relax. I'm going off duty now
   Monnie: Oh, we'll miss you

Episode 030

   Vera: Ferguson
   Monnie: That's me
   Vera: Your not rostered here in the laundry
   Monnie: Haven't you heard the good news. Special request from the Governor "could we have the pleasure of your company in
   the laundry" she says

Episode 040

   (Vera walks into the dining area)
   Vera: Quiet
   (Erica, Jim and Meg all walk into the rec room after Vera)
   Erica: Settle down girls, this is Mr. Fletcher. He is taking over as deputy governor
   Bea: Well, well
   Erica: I want you to know that this is a departmental decision, and Ms. Bennett will continue on as senior officer
   Bea: Oh, I knew it was too good to be true
   (Lizzie laughs)

Episode 042

   (Vera goes to Bea and Karen's cell)
   Vera: Come on you two, hurry up. Travers, your boyfriend will be here soon. He wouldn't want to see you looking like that
   Bea: Oh now come on Vera, leave her alone
   Vera: Get moving, Smith
   Bea: Oh go stick it you old bag
   (Karen laughs)
   Vera: I heard that
   Bea: Look Vera, you and I are going to be in here for the next 100 years, so lets get one thing straight; You are a bloody
   pain in the ass
   Vera: How dare you speak to me like that
   Bea: Because its true
   Vera: You report to me immediately after breakfast
   (Karen and Bea walk off)
   Karen: Was that worth it
   Bea: Probably not
   (Bea and Karen laugh)

Episode 048

   Vera: You put any holes in those sheets Martin, and you'll end up paying for them
   Bea: Ah, there's one thing you can say Joyce, Screws may come and Screws may go, but we'll always have our Miss Bennett

Episode 055

   Lizzie: You'll get out, it won't be long now love
   Monnie: Oh, no longer than 2 months anyway
   Bea: Shut up Monnie

   Bea: Now what do you think she's doing in here like this
   Officer Phillip: Orders
   Lizzie: She'll do herself mischief
   Bea: Yeah, I suppose it's the Governor's order to have her run a needle through her finger too, is it
   Lizzie: Why can't she work in the garden
   Officer Phillip: The laundry's short staffed
   Bea: Then bring Burke back here
   Officer Phillip: Orders
   (Bea grabs Doreen and gives her to the officer)
   Bea: Take her to the Governor and tell her to put her in the garden, now have you got that right, Gar-den

Episode 057

   Monnie: All right now, who is she?
   Lizzie: Mrs. Antonia McNally
   Monnie: I know that already, so what
   Lizzie: So what?
   Monnie: Would you stop repeating everything I say. What's the big bloody deal
   Lizzie: Her husband is only the Mr. Sean McNally
   Monnie: oh, terrific. My husband is only the Mr. Fred Ferguson, so what
   Lizzie: God your dumb. Her husbands one of the biggest men in the business, everybody knows that
   Monnie: Do they just

Episode 060

   Lizzieː From what I am about to receive, may the Lord protect me

Episode 064

   (Bea walks into the laundry with a newspaper)
   Lizzie: Did you get it
   Bea: No sweat. Latest edition
   Eaves: There she is, there's Toni. Who's that?
   Bea: That's the girl that shot her. Can't you read
   Leach: Shot her
   Bea: yeah
   Eaves: How is she
   Bea: Considering she was shot three times at close range, I'd say she's not well

   (Everyone goes outside for their exercise period)
   Bea: How long are we going to wait here
   Vera: Until I'm ready
   Officer Maguire: This is bloody stupid. You're never going to get them to co-operate. Fletcher couldn't
   Vera: First we're going to warm up by running on the spot. When I blow the whistle begin.
   (Vera blows the whistle)
   (Bea runs on the spot as everybody else stands there and laughs)
   Vera: Alright Smith, you can stop
   (Bea stops running and Vera walks over to her)
   Vera: You think your pretty smart, don't you
   Bea: What have I done. I did what you told me

   Vera: Stand up Coulson
   (Ros stands up)
   Vera: Presumably, you were in the toilets at the time, did you see her?
   Ros: Yes. Yes, I saw her there
   Vera: Another rotten little liar
   Lizzie: She is not a liar. She'd been bought up by the penguins. You know the holy penguins, the nuns

   Meg: There was an incident in the recreation room, previous to the attack. I saw Eaves threaten Coulson. Before I could
   take action, Smith had warned her off
   Fletcher: Did Smith threaten Eaves with physical violence
   Meg: I heard her use the words 'I'll knock your block off'
   Fletcher: And did you try to knock her block off, Smith
   Bea: Who me? I never laid a glove on her. Well, why should I get involved, it's the screws job to keep the peace here, not
   mine

Episode 068

   Andrew O'Connell: She thinks your a Nurse
   Vera: A Nurse? Why would she think I was a nurse?
   Andrew O'Connell: Because they have nurses at hospitals, and she thinks its a hospital
   Vera: Oh, I see
   Andrew O'Connell: I know its not a hospital
   Vera: Well, if you know what it is, perhaps you'll grow up with enough sense to stay out of a place like this
   Andrew O'Connell: Then why are you here then?

Episode 072

   Bea: Oh are you going to tell us or do I guess in one, Vera right?
   Pat: I have never in all my born days ever seen someone so mean, vicious and hard
   Lizzie: And stupid
   Pat: She's not stupid, she knows exactly what she is doing. So help me one of these days
   Bea: You'll what?
   Pat: I'll tell you Bea, she's going to push someone too far
   Bea: Well you better make sure it's not you, you want to be out by Christmas remember? Besides not all her fault you know.
   Pat: What?
   Bea: Well when they were making her they got all the ingredients all wrong, instead of putting in sugar and spice and all
   things nice they chucked in vinegar and malice and all things callus
   **Everyone laughs**

   Bea: How would you like her teaching your kids?
   Pat: Oh, I'd take them out of school
   Vera: Smith, O'Connell, if you want to talk, go outside
   Bea: Yes teacher
   Vera: That's enough of that

Episode 081

   Vera: This isn't a sideshow, get going
   Bea: Oh, if it was, I know what the main attraction would be, the ugliest woman in the world (Pointing to Vera)
   Vera: Shut up, Smith

Episode 085

  Vera: Birdsworth, the Governor wants to see you
  Lizzie: Why?
  Vera: That's none of your business
  Lizzie: Well, if it's none of my business, why does she want to see me?
  (Bea laughs)
  Vera: Get a move on

Episode 119

   Judy: You got a minute?
   Bea: Haven't you heard I got 10 years.

Episode 138

  Ted: Look, couldn't you put up with her til the end of the year
  Erica: Until she retires? 
  Ted: Hm
  Erica: Wentworth is a prison, not a resthome for departmental geriatrics

  Jim: Hey come on ladies, that's lunch or don't you want any
  Lizzie: I've something more important Mr. Fletcher, I've got to see the Governor
  Jim: You should've put you application in before breakfast Lizzie
  Lizzie: It's urgent. It's about my little grandaughter. She's still in hospital, see and I want to see her, so I gotta ask
  Mrs. Davidson
  Jim: Well, that's a job for the social worker
  Judy: Social worker, what social worker? I didn't know we had one
  Jim: Alright, what's all this about
  Judy: Nothing, just that my trial's coming up in a couple of days and I want to organise a lawyer. I'd like to see Mrs.
  Davidson after Lizzie
  Jim: If you need that sort of help, that's a job for Ms. Forster, and you'll be seeing her and so will Birdsworth
  Bea: Might as well be seeing her cat

Episode 140

  Jim: Yeah, alright Smith, out
  Bea: Ohh
  Jim: Come one, move it!
  Bea: Oh, what's wrong with you. Someone grind nasty pills into your dinner

  Meg: Well, Jim I was wondering if you heard anything more about the Barnhurst job?
  Jim: Did you now?
  Meg: Well if you don't want to talk
  Jim: Oh no no, I'd love to talk. What do you want to know?
  Meg: Jim please
  Jim: No, you wanted to know. Let's start with the wonderful Mrs. Davidson first, shall we. Sitting up there in her ivory
  tower like some tin god. Wouldn't be all surprised to find out that she was a bloody robot. She's got no feelings at all,
  and anything that does get through to her, she's always got that self-rightious bastard Douglas to come and help her
  squash it, and then there's Vera. Well, the less said about her the better, and that leaves you doesn't it, sitting there
  pretending that you played no part at all in getting rid of poor old bloody Agnes

Episode 225

   Bea: You know there's something funny about the atmosphere in this place today. Something is definitely different
   Judy: Yeah, Now I wonder what it is
   Bea: The place doesn't smell the way usually does either, have a sniff
   (Bea, Judy and Doreen all sniff)
   Powell: Alright, what's the matter with you lot
   Judy: Nothing. Bea's just saying that the place don't smell like it usually does
   Powell: What do you mean
   Bea: Well, there's usually a distinct smell of vinegar in the air, but it's not hear today, I wonder why
   Doreen: I got it. That's it Vinegar. The place doesn't smell the same because Vera's not here anymore
   Bea: You're right, Doreen. They must have had the place fumigated
   Powell: That's very funny ladies, but what makes you think that now Miss Bennett's gone, that things are going to be any
   easier
   Doreen: Things couldn't get any worse, Mrs. Powell
   Powell: Well, I wouldn't bank on that

   Powell: What do we have here. The geriatric rest centre for over-worked prisoners. Come on, move it
   Bea: Calm down, Colleen. We've got a surprise for you
   Powell: And I have a surprise for you. The name is Mrs. Powell, and just you remember it
   Judy: Oh my oh my, aren't we formal. How do you do Mrs. Powell, I'm Miss Judith Bryant, but you can call me Sir

Episode 226

   Powell: Sounds like a complete waste of a day
   Bea: Oh, I don't know. The neighbours found us very entertaining
   Powell: Ok ok, that's enough. Right, now I want you all to report to the showers
   Doreen: Oh, I never though I'd be pleased to see a Wentworth shower
   Mouse: I'll race you Dor
   Powell: No you wont. Now look, you're back in a prison now, don't forget it
   Bea: Is this a prison. I must have got off at the wrong bus stop
   Powell: Oh, just get to the showers

Episode 275

   Colleen: Well, what are you going to do with that lot?
   Lizzie: Oh Mrs. Davidson gave me permission to make a birthday cake for Bea’s surprise party.
   Colleen: A cake? With sardines, crackers and mushrooms?
   Lizzie: It’s an old bush recipe.
   Colleen: Put them back.
   Lizzie: Oh you haven’t got any heart Mrs. Powell. You just wait till it’s you birthday and we won’t even give you a present.
   Colleen: Do me a favor. If you’re gonna use that recipe, don’t make me a cake either.

Episode 297

   Doreen: I'm starving
   Bea: Yeah, come on, when do we eat? We're all present and correct, so what's the hold up?
   Doreen: Hey, wait a minute, where's Chrissie
   Ferguson: Latham wont be joining you for the evening meal
   Bea: Oh, we must have left her off the invitation list by mistake

Episode 309

   Erica: Well, there's really quite a queue isn't there
   Bea: Oh, it's always like this Mrs Davidson. What we really need is an ensuite bathroom
   Latham: No, what we need is less showers each
   Bea: Trust a Pom to come up with something like that
   Latham: Who's calling me a Pom
   Bea: Me

Episode 310

   Steve: I’ve done no more for Barbara then I have for Bea or Lizzie. So what’s the difference?
   Colleen: Uh, the difference is that Bea and Lizzie don’t look like Barbara.
   Steve: You mean I’m not allowed to help the pretty ones.
   Colleen: I mean you’re not allowed to help YOURSELF to the pretty ones

Episode 312

   Meg: I wonder what the police want with her?
   Tony: Maybe they found out that she's only masquerading as a woman

Episode 315

   Colleen: Come on Birdsworth.
   Lizzie (to Neil): But what about me poor joints.
   Neil: Well just keep them moving and they’ll be fine.
   Colleen: You heard. Let’s move them back to the laundry.

Episode 321

   Bea: You better sling us a couple of fifty's. I think I'll have lunch at the Hilton today.
   (The officer passes Bea two notes)
   Bea: I meant fifty bucks not fifty cents

   Gaffney: It's bloody typical isn't it. We do all the hard yakka and Po-Face gets the pat on the back

   Colleen: I wonder how Geoff Carlson will react to someone like Joan being issued with a set of Woodridge keys. At least the
   male prisoners will be safe.

Episode 322

   Morris: Oh, hello Bea. What sort of day have you had.
   Bea: Oh, just terrific
   Morris: Well it doesn't sound to terrific, what happened?
   Bea: I'm on permanent holiday. I've been sacked.
   Morris: They what. But you were doing so well
   Bea: Yeah, that's what I thought, well they did to for that matter, but business is lousy and they had to lay someone off,
   so guess who copped it
   Morris: You haven't been fired, you've been retrenched. At least you'll get a good reference.
   Bea: Fat lot of good thats going to do me. Thousands of people out of work and if I don't have a job,
   I don't get my parole. Maybe I shouldn't have come back here, should have just kept walking in the opposite direction
   Morris: Now, that's nonsense. You got one job and you'll get another, and the parole board will help you all they can,
   as long as you go by the book
   Bea: Yeah, well so far playing by the book has got me nothing but a big fat zero

   Ferguson: Well Smith, your back. What happened did they wake up and finally sack you.
   Bea: No they didn't. They layed me off because work was a bit slack
   Ferguson: Oh, I don't think the parole board will be too impressed with that, what do you think Smith?
   Bea: If I told you what I think, your hair would curl.

   Morris: Come on, hurry it up please
   Bea: And so begins another exciting day. Woopee
   Fields: Oh, it's not too bad. If you get too bored, why don't you get a job in reception. Lots of interesting things
   happenen down there.

   Bea: Oh shit. I hope Jude's having better luck than I am. Sweet bugger all in there
   Lawson: Well, what did Mrs. Morris say before.
   Bea: Oh, she said she'd check a few jobs for me, give them a ring and let me know how they went. Well, I better
   get back to work I suppose, no chance of losing this job, worse luck

   Colleen: Get it together Gaffney, you’re going back to your cell.
   Margo: I thought I’d cop at least 3 days.
   Colleen: Well you thought wrong. Come on, hurry up.
   Margo: I want a transfer to another block.
   Colleen: What?
   Margo: I wanna be moved. Why can’t I go to B-block.
   Colleen: Because you go where you’re put. Don’t tell me you’re sick of your friends.
   Margo: But they’ll bloody well kill me.
   Colleen: Oh no, no I doubt that. But I’ll tell you what; when I have actual proof that you’re in physical danger, I’ll
   consider moving you.
   Margo: You’re gonna wait till you find me bashed up in some corner.
   Colleen: Yeh, that will probably do it. Come on.

Episode 323

   Powell: Hello, what's going on here. Nothing to do have we?
   Bea: Smoko, Mrs. Powell. Union rules
   Powell: Yeah, well get back to work. My rules

   Latham: What I'm worried about is what if we get sprung. There we are using the Freak as a football and
   somebody walks in on us. It's going to be ta-ta Chrissie, isn't it

Episode 324

   Powell: Alright Smith, tell me again, what were your movements between getting up this morning and breakfast
   Bea: Oh, I'll only have to disappoint you again Mrs. Powell, it was a normal boring routine day. A usual rising, followed by
   a faster than usual shower, followed by a routine stroll down the corridor to the dining room, where I remained until this
   fiasco erupted
   Powell: Yes, yes, yes, you've made your point
   Bea: Besides, you can bet your life that if I had been involved Ferguson would not be walking around talking about it.

   Latham: Oh, can you believe that bitch, she was actually challenging us to have another go
   Mouse: Oh, she's an A grade looney that one. Well, she outa be locked up in here
   Latham: Yeah, except it would be my bleedin' luck to end be up in a cell with her

Episode 326

   Latham: Oh, come on Bea, fancy you copping the laundry ay, I'll tell you what, if you like, I'll let you have a
   go on the steam press ay, It's ever so easy, you soon pick it up
   Lawson: Yeah, help build up your muscles after your holiday in isolation
   Morris: Bea, I'd like a word with you. In here
   Bea: Must be important or are you going to bash me

   Morris: Ah, I've got some good news for you all
   Bea: Ah, that'yl make a change
   Gaffney: The Freaks just fallen off the roof

   (Lawson eats some of her food)
   Latham: Oh blimey, don't put that muck in your mouth, you'll be sick.
   Lawson: It's edible
   Bea: Well, I wouldn't be so sure about that

Episode 327

   Latham: Oh, I wish someone would tell us what's goin' on
   Gaffney: What difference would it make
   Stanton: Don't you care about your mates
   Gaffney: Oh, what do you want to do, tick their names off in the right order or something
   Stanton: Apparently one of the Screws has gone missing too
   Gaffney: Yeah, Ferguson
   Stanton: God, that's weird, I mean you can see how one of us would get trapped with the gates going
   like they did, but I mean a screw would have keys
   Latham: Maybe the smoke got to her first. I bloody hope so anyway

   (Gaffney grabs two washers)
   Powell: Uh, what do you need two washers for Gaffney
   Gaffney: One for me face and one for me bum
   Latham: Ha
   Gaffney: Unhygenic, that's what it is
   (Gaffney passes her second washer to Latham)

   Officer Bailey: Transports here Mrs. Powell
   Powell: Alright everyone, come on, get your things together
   Gaffney: Hit em up, Move em out
   Powell: And we'll do it in an orderly fashion, come on

Episode 328

   (A Woodridge Officer opens the door and He, Bea and Morris walks inside)
   Morris: Righto ladies, move over
   Latham: Bea. Oh god love, are you alright
   Bea: Yeah, great. When do we eat
   Gaffney: Your just in time for what they call lunch, courtesy of the Woodridge Hilton
   Latham: Yeah, what's goin' on here Mrs. Morris. We can't keep eatin' out in that yard
   Morris: It's been attended to. You'll be having lunch in half an hour
   Latham: I've got a good idea. Why don't you put us all up for early parole, the you wouldn't have to go to all this trouble

   Bea: Bloody hell. what a dump
   Latham: Yeah, we didn't realise how lucky we were at Wentworth
   Bea: And who's fault's that. I asked for a diversionary fire not burn the whole bloody place down

   Carlson: What's going on
   Powell: Smith's got a complaint
   Smith: We are not eating this food, until it gets better we are all going on a hunger strike, and another
   thing, we want better sleeping and recreation facilities and work, give us some work, you can't lock people
   up with nothing to do, you'll drive us all crazy
   Powell: Well you should have thought about that when you, and your cronies, burnt Wentworth down
   Bea: Oh, so now I had help did I. Your smartass offsider in the hospital reckon I did it all on my own

Episode 329

   Powell: Smith, Latham. Come with us
   Smith: What for
   Carlson: Never mind the questions, move it.
   Latham: I wanna know where we're going. Oh, Bea
   Bea: Don't worry love. Guess with the great job we did on Jeannie, now we have to do brain transplants on all the screws.

Episode 330

   Morris: That's enough Smith, your on a charge
   Bea: Oh goody, what are you going to do, throw me in jail

Episode 333

   Bea: Hey, I wouldn't worry too much Mrs. Powell. Your bound to find another job eventually. I did hear there looking
   for keepers at the zoo
   (Latham laughs)

Episode 334

   (Bea sniffs)
   Bea: You know, I can swear something just crept in here and died. Ah haha, It was you Ms. Ferguson.

Episode 335

   Davidson: Now, to show our good faith, I intend to give you 200 points to start off
   Latham: Oh, thank you very much
   Bea: Yeah, well they've got to give us something haven't they
   Latham: Yeah
   Bea: Otherwise how can they take it away
   Davidson: This offer is not acceptable to you Smith. Very well, you can all start from zero

   Bea: Hey Mrs. Morris, don't suppose there's any chance of getting 2 points on sunday, you know, double time

Episode 341

   Colleen: Quinn, come on you two I want you to do a job for me in the library.
   Faye: The library? Oh God, I hate books.
   Colleen: Really? I heard a rumor you used to run one. 

   Nola: What the hell am I supposed to do out here?
   Colleen: Well you can start by pulling out the weeds.
   Nola: I wouldn’t know a weed from a gumtree.
   Colleen: Oh, that’s easy. If you get a hernia you’ve pulled out a gumtree.

   (Powell, Erica and Ferguson walk into the rec room)
   Powell: Everything alright ladies
   Bea: Oh fine, Mrs Powell, uh just asking Nola what Western Australia was like. She says it's a lovely place, but she
   wouldn't want to live there

   (Ferguson walks into the laundry)
   Ferguson: No work ladies
   Maxine: Just taking a smoko Ms Ferguson
   Lizzie: Yeah, without the smoke
   Ferguson: Well you better get back to work then
   Bea: Why should we? We're way ahead of schedule, so why bust a gut, if you'll pardon the expression

   Coleen: Now, you will do as you’re damn well told.
   Nola: Yeh?
   Colleen (to another officer): If she gives you any trouble just call the gate guard.
   Nola: And who am I gonna call if she starts giving me trouble?
   Colleen: Try me. Hope your lungs are good though, I don’t know where I’ll be.

Episode 342

   (In the rec room; Faye is writing down peoples names for the insurance policy)
   Lizzie: Oh, cut it out
   Faye: Hey, come on ladies don't push, everyone will get their chance, and keep the noise down will you, we don't want screws
   poking their nose in
   Lizzie: That's not a bad idea. I reckon the screws should take out insurance. What's the going rate for screw bashing
   (Faye turns her notepad over)
   Faye: Name?
   Lizzie: Elizabeth Birdsworth
   Faye: Age?
   Lizzie: 39
   (Everybody laughs)
   Faye: Ancient

Episode 356

   Maxine: You know, I gonna arrange a couple of visitors for The Freak one day. Mafia hit men
   (Lizzie and Maxine laugh)

Episode 360

   (Colleen to Meg while censoring the mail)
   Colleen: Kennedy’s sexlife, that’s one thing. Birdsworth’s spelling, that’s in a class of its own.

Episode 361

   Ferguson: Stand on the line, Smith
   (Bea walks to the line)
   (Ferguson grabs the clipboard off the cop)
   Ferguson: Your name is Beatrice Alice Smith, is that correct?
   Bea: Yep
   Ferguson: Speak up
   Bea: YES!
   Ferguson: Yes what?

Episode 363

   Lizzie: God, would you get onto The Freak. Anyone would think we had god on a tour of inspection
   Bea: Yeah, but did you cop onto what Powell called him, Major Ferguson. Maybe he and The Freak are related
   Lizzie: No way that those two come from the same family, you could tell. He's a real gentleman
   Phyllis: Hey come back Major, Lizzie's got the hots for you
   Lizzie: Don't be such a dirty little bugger, he wouldn't bloody believe you anyway. He could tell that I'm a lady
   (Everybody laughs)

Episode 365

   (Morris walks into the laundry)
   Morris: Lizzie
   Lizzie: Oh, Mrs M, I want a word with you. Now what's this I hear about giving the Governor's job to an outsider
   Morris: Oh Lizzie, she's hardly an outsider. She's been working with the department for years
   Lizzie: That's not the point is it, she's not one of us. Anyone with half a brain would know that you should have got that
   job. Now who picked her? Douglas I suppose. God, everybody knows he couldn't even pick his nose unless he read the
   instruction
   Morris: Oh, for heavens sake Lizzie. Why don't you wait until you meet her before you pass judgement. After all, you may
   even like the lady

Episode 368

   Meg: Well maybe we’re imagining it.
   Colleen: Oh like hell. She knows all about Chris.
   Meg: But how?
   Colleen: I won’t mention any names, I’ll just give you the initials; Joan bloody Ferguson.

   Joan: I keep forgetting how close we all are.
   Colleen (to Meg): I’d like to remind the bitch, with a sledge hammer.

Episode 371

   Kennedy: Do I get a cell to myself
   Powell: No, you'll be sharing with a woman about your age
   Kennedy: Oh, I'm not too keen on bunking with an oldie. They get a bit funny you know.

   Kennedy: Am I sharing with you?
   Bea: No, this used to be mine, but they were afraid that I might get too settled after 14 years. The names Bea Smith
   Kennedy: Oh hi, I'm Maggie Kennedy
   Bea: Oh, the geriatric drug peddler
   Powell: Ok, that's enough. Listen, you behave yourself, and uh, keep your hands off. A repeat of the Tyler episode, and
   you'll be in big trouble
   Bea: Well, by the looks of this one, she isn't going to make the distance anyway, so why should I bother

Episode 375

   (Ferguson walls into the laundry)
   Ferguson: Kennedy. Your wanted in the Governor's office
   (Kennedy gets up)
   Bea: What have you been up to now Kennedy, nothing that's going to make me mad I hope.

Episode 376

   Lizzie: What are you getting at? You mean The Freak was trying to protect her
   Maxine: Well, something like that, because then she put her arm around her real friendly like
   Lizzie: Oh, what did Carol do then
   Maxine: Well nothing much, but I mean she didn't tell her to rack off or nothing
   Bea: Eugh, sounds like she's got the hots for her alright. She's not the kind of person to be nice to anyone out of the
   kindness of her heart

Episode 377

   (Ferguson walks into the rec room carrying leaflets)
   Ferguson: Alright you lot, the holidays over
   Lizzie: Oh, did you get the machines fixed
   Ferguson: No, not yet
   Brandy: When are they going to get around to it
   Ferguson: Oh, I didn't know you were so concerned about your work
   Brandy: I'm not, but it beats sitting around on your bum doing nothing doesn't it
   Ferguson: Well, don't worry, I've found something that will keep you all occupied
   Bea: This'll be good
   Maxine: And what's that
   Ferguson: Proof-Reading leaflets from the workshop
   Lizzie: Oh god
   Ferguson: Oh no, don't worry, you can work in pairs, if that will help you with the two syllable words

   Lizzie: Oh bloody reading, I'm sick of reading
   Maxine: Lizzie, I didn't know you could

Episode 379

   Pixie: I came to see if there was a letter for me.
   Colleen: Well not unless it came through a time warp.
   Pixie: A time warp?
   Colleen: I’ve heard. The king of France’s carrier pigeons, they’re all dead.

Episode 381

   (Pixie tries to climb into the dryer)
   Bea: oh come on, we have to have this finished by the lunch time pick up. Will you cut it out!
   (Ferguson walks into the laundry)
   Ferguson: My feeling exactly, Smith. Mason
   Pixie: Yes Miss Ferguson
   Ferguson: Report for kitchen duty, you too Daniels
   Maxine: Ah beauty
   Bea: Oh, wait a minute. How the hell are we supposed to have this finished in time if your going to take everyone away
   Ferguson: Just watch it Smith, or they'll have to do without you too

Episode 382

   Powell: Okay Mason. What have you done to your hair
   Pixie: Oh, I didn't do anything Mrs Powell. It was the martians
   (Everybody laughs)
   Pixie: Well, they were hiding in my cell
   Powell: Oh I see, I get it
   Pixie: They had these big silver laser guns and they went zap and my hair turned red. Well, Mars is the red planet you know
   Powell: Well... Zap, let's go
   Pixie: Back to the martians
   Powell: To the showers. Get out
   (Everybody laughs)
   Maxine: Bye Pixie

   (Pixie walks into the rec room)
   Powell: Ah good Mason, just in time to clean up
   Bea: Well, well, now I wondered where you got to
   Lizzie: What's the matter love. You look as though it's the end of the world
   Maxine: Here we go
   Pixie: It is Lizzie. Eddie, he's divorcing me
   Bea: Sounds like a nice, painless way to get rid of a bloke to me
   Pixie: But it's a sin Bea. Why would he do that to me?
   Bea: Well, it could have something to do with the fact you married 5 other blokes

Episode 383

   Bea: And so that's it in a nutshell really. Ferguson's a raving maniac, Powell thinks she's a super screw and, oh Mrs
   Morris is alright I suppose. She has helped us in the past

Episode 384

   Bea: You're not still reading that letter are you
   Pixie: No, justing holding it that's all
   Bea: Sounds like some old Uncle carked it and left you the lot
   Pixie: Oh, much better than that. Oh Bea, I'm so happy
   Bea: What, in this place. Keep that up and they'll really think you're nuts
   Maxine: Hey Bea, do you have any bickies, wha... Don't tell me she's still reading that letter, what's in it anyway
   Pixie: Well, I wasn't going to tell you Maxie, but, but I need your help. It's not just a letter Maxie, It's a
   Billet-doux. A wonderful, wonderful Billet-doux
   Maxine: Someone send you a bill aye, god they never leave you alone. Put address unknown, that'll fix them
   Pixie: No, not a bill Maxie, a Billet-doux, a love letter

   (Bea walks in)
   Bea: Hi, settled in alright
   Petra: Yes, thanks Bea. Didn't get much sleep though
   Bea: Oh, that's pretty normal for first timers, but sleeps the least of your problems in Wentworth. Your stomach has to
   get used to the food and you have to get used to the boredom
   Petra: Apart from that it's home away from home aye
   Bea: Oh, the greatest. People have been known to kill to get into this joint
   (Bea remembers that Petra murdered her father)
   Bea: Oh sorry love, bad joke
   Petra: That's okay, you're right about one thing though. The boredom. There's got to be a way to beat it
   Bea: Yeah well there is. There's a way we can all beat it, if you're interested?
   Petra: of course I am. What is it?
   Bea: Like I said, some of the girls aren't too bright, but they're real battlers if you know what I mean. When they get
   out of here they try and make a go of it, but they haven't got a hope. They're beaten at the very first question; What is
   you're level of education
   Petra: Hold on Bea. I think I know what you're getting at, but would they allow me to take classes?
   Bea: Oh, a teacher they didn't have to pay, you could bet on it

Episode 385

   (Powell walks in)
   Powell: Come on Smart, get back to your cell, lights out in 5 minutes
   Helen: Oh, isn't it nice not to have to watch the clock. There's all these lovely officers around to do it for you
   Powell: Get out

   Scott: It’s gonna take me a month of sunday’s to get through this lot. It would be nice to have them all programmed into a
   computer.
   Colleen: The staff are the only computers around here. And the way I feel today my silicone chip’s cracked.

Episode 390

   (Bea walks into the laundry)
   Bea: Alright everyone, stop work
   Lizzie: Oh god Bea, me old ticker
   Pixie: What's wrong
   Bea: I've just been speaking to Arthur Richards, and he says if I go ahead with this law suit, the department is going to
   slap full security and censorship on the lot of us
   Petra: They can't do that
   Bea: Oh
   Lizzie: Oh, don't you bet on it. What are you going to do Bea?
   Bea: I don't know yet. I thought you should have a say in it
   Phyllis: Yeah well I say back down. It's your fight not ours
   Lizzie: You would, you yellow looking bugger. I say go after him Bea
   Phyllis: What? And she ends up with a bag full of dough, and what do we get, Screws breathing down our necks day and night,
   you can count me out
   Pixie: Well, he's not the sort of man I'd go after. He's got mean little eyes
   (Bea looks at Pixie)
   Bea: Thanks Pixie

   Phyllis: Invest it? Geez, I thought the racehorse was a lousy idea, we'd never see any bloody money if we invest it
   Bea: Will you let me finish
   Lizzie: Yeah, keep your bloody big mouth shut, if you can't come up with anything better. Go on Bea
   Bea: Mrs M reckons we can get approximately $4000 return per annum
   Pixie: Oh, that's wonderful, every year
   (Bea rolls her eyes)

   Bea: We give it away to any woman that's leaving Wentworth and who needs cash
   Phyllis: Why should me give it to people that are getting out, when we're stuck in here
   Bea: Because you can't use it in here, the time you need dough is when you're on the outside. We assess every woman who's
   being released, as to how much she's earned in here, what her setup is on the outside and how much she needs to give her a
   fresh start, and we give her that from the fund, then hopefully she has a chance to go straight. Now, what do you say?
   Lizzie: Ripper. Good old mum, and it would be just what she wanted too
   Pixie: Well, I think it's a lovely idea. Well, when I get out of here, there will be lots of things I'll need to get
   started again
   Phyllis: Like what?  A truckload of confetti, I think it sucks
   Judy: Uh, how many times have you been inside Phyllis
   Phyllis: Oh about... Hell, I don't know
   Judy: Yes, you'd need a computer to work it out, and why is it that you keep getting back inside
   Phyllis: Because I keep getting caught don't I
   Judy: Oh, well have you ever thought of going straight
   Phyllis: Of course I have, I don't stand a chance

Episode 391

   Powell: Please, can you hurry up with that
   Deliveryman: Ok, that's your lot. Good luck girls
   Pixie: Oh, and good luck to you too
   Powell: Shut up Mason

   Maxine: Now listen to this one. Echo, and the answers got 11 bloody letters in it
   Tinker: Wheelbarrow
   Maxine: Wheelbarrow? What's that got to do with echo
   Tinker: I don't know, but it's got 11 bloody letters hasn't it

Episode 392

   Scott: Bea, can I have some water for Miss Ferguson please
   Bea: You asked the wrong person doc. She can fry in her own fat as far I'm concerned

   Scott: Good news everyone. Miss Ferguson is out of danger. Her fever's broken
   Helen: Well, if that's the good news, I can't imagine what the bad news is going to be

Episode 395

   Colleen: Stevens report to reception, you got a visitor
   Phyllis: Another one?, that makes 2 in 2 days
   Colleen: Good girl you can count, mind your own business and get on with it

Episode 404

   Petra: Thank you Lizzie, and thank you everyone else. The things you've done just to make this such a special day. I don't
   know how I could ever repay you
   Lou: Let the doc make housecalls
   (Everybody laughs)

Episode 423

   Cass: Oh, poor little Pix. It's not fair. She never done nothing to nobody, now she's gone and lost her new job
   Sonia: Oh, come on, the girls got a brain the size of a pea, she was bound to foul up sooner or later
   Helen: have you ever thought of lacing up your mouth and renting out your head as a football

Episode 456

  Myra: Pixie, I've got you down for the kissing booth ok
  Pixie: Oh well, I'm not so sure about that, I mean, well it's not very hygienic is it. Well, I might catch something
  Phyllis: Yeah, another husband
  Pixie: Oh yes, well that too, I mean I wouldn't want to give anyone the wrong idea

  Myra: Cass?
  Cass: Oh, I don't know Myra
  Reb: You can have a lucky dip. Make yourself the boobie prize
  Myra: Why don't you make yourself scarce. Come on Cass
  Cass: Well, I can whittle a bit, I suppose I could make something
  Myra: Yeah
  Phyllis: A bit dangerous isn't it. Aren't you scared the knife will slip and cut your wrists

  Cass: Hey Myra. Don't suppose we could get our hands on some clay
  Myra: Hey, that's an idea Cass. Wally's left all the equipment, we could have a go
  Pixie: Hey. Perhaps a cake stall or, or fortune telling. Thats it, I can tell all the ladies there going to meet a tall,
  dark, brooding stranger
  Myra: Oh, The Freak

  Powell: Right, now. What can I do?
  Ann: Oh, nothing really. Correction, you can keep Meg away from the food

Episode 461

  Joyce: Right, well. Will you stop work for a moment ladies. I want you to meet our new officer, this is Miss Rodgers
  Heather: Oh, hi everybody. I hope i'll get to know...
  Marlene: Buck? Geez, I don't believe it, it's me Rabbit. You remember, Kenton High
  Heather: Well I'll be blown. Marlene, right?
  Marlene: Yeah
  Heather: What are you doing here? Oh, stupid question

Episode 470

  Meg: Well, you now have my official resignation
  Joyce: Oh, it's such a pity. You were a really good union rep Meg
  Meg: Well, that's how it is. You can't be management material and still a member of the union. I hope you don't treat me
  like the enemy though
  Ferguson: Oh, can we got on with it
  Meg: Oh Joan. It's not like you to show enthusiasm at a union meeting
  Ferguson: Since I'm forced to be a member, I also have the right to demand some action, instead of all this needless
  chit-chat

  Joyce: Right. Nominations
  (Nobody answers)
  Joyce: Oh, come on. Someones got to do the job. What about you Dennis
  Dennis: Oh, well, maybe it'd be better if it was someone that's been here a bit longer
  Joyce: Oh, come on. You're a pom, they always make the best shop stewards
  Ferguson: Yeah. An official excuse to whinge

  Rachel: Not a very exciting menu is it?
  Marlene: It's been ages since Mrs O got excited over anything I reckon
  (Marlene looks at the menu)
  Marlene: Oh yuck. Stewed mince potatos and sprouts. I hate brussel sprouts
  Rachel: Well, no wonder. She boils them half to death
  Marlene: Look, let's just chuck that in and think of something else ay
  Rachel: I don't think she would like that
  Marlene: She's not going to know about it and by the time she does know about it, we'll have eaten anyway

  Rachel: it'd be great to do something really tasty wouldn't it?
  Marlene: Tell you what I could go for. Chicken Maryland and then Pavlova with heaps of ice cream for sweets, what do you
  reckon
  Rachel: I reckon it'd take a miracle with what we'd find in this kitchen
  Marlene: Oh, well your a good cook Rach. Why don't you jazz up the mince a bit or just find something else
  Rachel: Why not. Have a look in the fridge, see what's there
  (Marlene looks in the fridge)
  Marlene: Oh, no prizes for guessing. Mince, mince and more bloody mince

  Marlene: And I've got a great idea for the sprouts. We'll flush them down the loo

Episode 471

  Marlene: Those trays we took up to solitary. Who do you reckon the second one was for?
  Rachel: A new prisoner, I expect
  Marlene: Give the lady a cigar

  Rachel: Oh, cut it out. You really are awful
  Marlene: Oh, come on, he's a horses-hoof
  Rachel: So what. He's nice, I like him
  Marlene: Yeah, so do I and we can all go camping after brekkie darls. Anyway, he's greener than a row of cucumbers and that
  gives me an idea
  (Marlene grabs a bag and steals some food)
  Marlene: How come we never see any of this stuff
  Rachel: Are you out of your mind. You can't go ripping off supplies
  Marlene: Why not. Margret Fulton in drag isn't going to know, and by the time Mrs O gets back, we'll just tell her that he
  used it all, sinch
  Rachel: And how do you propose to get it out of the kitchen
  Marlene: Simple. Dirty laundry
  Rachel: You're incouragable
  Marlene: So, Incourage me

  Rachel: Honestly Rabbit, sometimes you're a pain
  Marlene: Now what have I done
  Rachel: You took the cheese. Now how am I supposed to do cheese potatos
  Marlene: I didn't take the cheese. What would I want with the cheese
  Rachel: Same thing you wanted with all the other stuff
  Marlene: I didn't take the cheese, you didn't look properly
  Rachel: And I'm telling you, I saw it at breakfast and now it's not there
  Marlene: Give us a look
  (Marlene stops by Ray's bag and looks in it)
  Rachel: Marlene, that's private
  Marlene: Pigs. Look
  Rachel: I don't believe it
  Marlene: Everything we didn't rip-off, he did

  Dennis: Ok now, now cut the chatter, or we wont go on with it
  Bobbie: Ah, beauty girls, we don't have to work today
  (Everybody cheers)
  Dennis: Instead, you'll all get the mops and buckets and clean the prison from top to bottom

  Bobbie: Well, I've finished that, now what do you want me to do?
  Ray: Well, you can be Mrs Clean and get rid of this apple peeling, if you like
  Bobbie: I can't, the bins full
  Ray: Well then empty it, pet
  Bobbie: Alright, alright, don't get your wig wet
  Ray: Oh, don't be cheeky
  Bobbie: Sorry, Auntie Ray

  Ray: Bobbie was trying to escape. Is that what was going on out there?
  Myra: It didn't happen, so let's forget it ok
  Ray: How exciting. I was in the middle of an escape bit, and I didn't know, and maybe as head chef I'm supposed to report
  the incident
  Myra: Now you do that buddy boy, and I will tell the very same officer that you have been helping yourself to the kitchen
  stores, then you'd be in for some real thrills, wouldn't you?

Episode 473

  Myra: So, you really think there are little green men and monsters from outerspace
  Marlene: Well, of course there are
  Myra: Now we know where the Freak comes from
  Judy: Yeah, they just dump their rubbish on Earth

Episode 489

  Judy: Ah, at least Rachel can keep an eye out for her
  Myra: Don't wish that on poor Rachel

Episode 493

  Pat: That was the gate house. The new officer Len Murphy is on his way up
  Meg: Mmm, should be interesting
  Pat: Why?
  Meg: Seems Joan Ferguson heard good things about him
  Pat: Oh, I can imagine what that means
  Meg: Uh uh, we musn't prejudge, must we

  Ray: I love the smell of bacon in the morning. It reminds me of breakfast
  Pixie: Yeah
  (Marlene runs in)
  Marlene: Quick. They're stacking on a huge turn
  Ray: What about?
  Marlene: They reckon the porridge is too salty
  Ray: Well, that's ridiculous, I asked Pixie to check it
  Pixie: Oh, well I thought it needed a bit extra
  Ray: How much?
  Pixie: Well, I worked it out. One teaspoon per bowl, times the number of serves, And then I looked up the front of a
  cookbook to convert tablespoons to grams... Oh, I think I just said tablespoons, didn't I... Oh what
  Ray: How could she, how could she

  Ann: So you'll appreciate that I have to interview everyone
  Ray: Yes, yes of course
  Ann: Is it possible that Warren could have stolen any of your personal belongings
  Ray: No, I would have noticed. I'm fussy about my appearance, not to the point of bringing shampoo to work

Episode 494

  Pixie: I'll go and start porridge
  Ray: Pet, we're cooking dinner. Porridge is breakfast
  Pixie: Oh golly, is it that time already?

Episode 496

  Marlene: Hi, did you get anything out of the PRG lady
  Myra: Yeah, somehow I wish I hadn't
  Bobbie: Why, what happened?
  Myra: What Stan told you was right love. According to some ex-Woodridge guys, Officer Len Murphy is big trouble
  Judy: How bad?
  Myra: Male version of the Freak

  Murphy: What are you up to Kelly?
  Lou: Nothing. I just been in the toot
  Murphy: You sure?
  Lou: Yeah, I'd never forget a thing like that

Episode 497

  Murphy: What happened to you Warren. Your face looks a mess
  Marlene: Hurt myself
  Meg: How did that happen?
  Murphy: Her nose looks broken to me
  Marlene: Must have been sleepwalking. Woke up when I banged into the wall
  Lou: Always said she needed a padded cell

Episode 550

  Lou: Hey, I just thought of something to cheer youse up. Maybe The Freaks dead
  (Everybody cheers)

  Joyce: Joan, Joan are you alright?
  Nora: Well, she's alive at any rate
  Joyce: Oh, thank god
  Lou: Yeah, bad luck more like it

  Lou: Shit, we've got her where we want her. Let's finish her off
  Myra: Just like you Kelly isn't it, kicking a dog when it's down
  Lou: Just taking after your example, Desmond. Didn't seem to worry you when she was having those blackouts

  Nora: Please, is there something we can cover her with
  Lurch: Nah, fresh out of cement

  Lexie: Bloody freezing, myself
  Joyce: Well, the heatings gone off. It won't come on again until 6
  Lou: Oh lovely
  Ettie: Oh, stop moaning Kelly, you've been sounding off all night
  Lou: Go count your wrinkles, Granny

Episode 551

  Ruth: Why don't we set a deadline, oh I'm sorry, what an unfortunate choice of words

Episode 643

   Martyː I want to KNOW about Joan Ferguson
   Rita Connorsː She's mid forties, looks like a truck driver dressed in drag