Rita Rudner

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Well, the old theory was "marry a older man because they're more mature". But the new theory is "men don't mature — marry a young one".

Rita Rudner (born September 17, 1953) is an American comedian and writer.


  • We did long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we decided to buy a dog. Cheaper, and… get more feet.
  • I love being married, I do. It's so great to find that one special person that you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
    • Best of the Improv, Vol. 3 (2003)
  • Well, the old theory was "marry an older man because they're more mature". But the new theory is "men don't mature — marry a young one".
    • Best of the Improv, Vol. 3 (2003)

Naked Beneath My Clothes (1992)[edit]

  • To me, life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.
    • On pregnancy
    • Essay 2: "How Can I Have Morning Sickness When I Don't Get Up 'Til Noon"?, p. 6[1]
  • [One of my friends] was in labor for 36 hours. (I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.)
    • On childbirth
    • Essay 2, p. 7[1]
  • Envy the kangaroo. That pouch setup is extraordinary; the baby crawls out of the womb when it is about two inches long, gets into the pouch, and proceeds to mature. I'd have a baby if it would develop in my handbag.
    • On pregnancy and childbirth
    • Essay 2, p. 7-8[1]
  • I don't even know how this word came into being: "aerobics". I guess gym instructors got together and said, "If we're going to charge ten dollars an hour, we can't call it 'jumping up and down'."
    • Essay 4: "Survival of the Fattest", p. 18[1]
  • Nobody is really happy with what's on their head. People with straight hair want curly, people with curly want straight, and bald people want everyone to be blind.
    • Essay 7: "Should I Get My Head Analyzed or Just My Hair?", p. 24[1]
  • Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers to attract men? Men don't like flowers. I have a great idea for a scent that will attract men — how about "New Car Interior"?
    • Essay 16: "Flirting with Success", p. 61[1]
  • I had teeth that stuck out so far, I used to eat other kids' candy bars by accident.
    • Essay 42: "Fillings Nothing … More Than Fillings", p. 151[1]


  1. a b c d e f g Rudner, Rita (1992). Naked Beneath My Clothes. New York: Viking Penguin. pp. 162 pp.. ISBN 0-670-84462-4. 

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