Schitt's Creek

Schitt's Creek (2015-2020) is a Canadian television situation comedy written by Eugene Levy and Dan Levy that aired on CBC_Television. The series follows the formerly wealthy Rose family's trials and tribulations after their business manager embezzles the family business and the family loses its fortune and relocates to Schitt's Creek, a small town they once purchased as a joke. Now living in a motel, they must adjust to life without money and with each other.

Season 1

Our Cup Runneth Over [1.1]

Lawyer: There is a very small amount set aside for you, and one asset the government has allowed you to retain.

Moira: The kids?

Lawyer: The children are dependents, Moira. You bought a small town in 1991, Johnny.

Johnny: Yes, I bought that as a joke for my son.

David: Wait, you actually purchased that town?

Johnny: Yes, I purchased the town, how else could I get the deed?

David: You could've photo shopped the deed!

Alexis: And saved the money!

Johnny: Why would I Photoshop a deed? The joke was owning the town!

Moira: Okay, stop.

Johnny: That was the joke!

David: Oh my God!

Johnny: Well, that was the joke!

Lawyer: To Johnny's credit this town just might be your saving grace, at least for a while.

Moira: What do you mean?

Lawyer: You can live there for next to nothing until you get back on your feet.

Moira: I'm sure there's a penthouse we can move into. Please, there are other options.

Lawyer: Well, homelessness is still on the table.

---

David: Okay, where are we going?

Alexis: [pause] Well [Stavros is] just coming for me, but then I figured that we would just come back and grab you guys at some point.

David: What kind of sociopath abandons her family in some vomit soaked dump, to gallivant around the world with her dumb shipping heir loser boyfriend she's known for three months?!

Alexis: Um, David, it will be four months next month.

David: Oh my God!

Alexis: And... he just told me that he could potentially see himself considering saying "I love you" at some point sometime soon, so...

David: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I'm telling mom. I'm telling mom and dad, have you told them?

Alexis: No! No David, I'm waiting for the right opportunity, okay? Otherwise dad's gonna cry, and mom's gonna do that thing where she pretends that nothing's wrong and then just doesn't talk to me for five months, and I don't want that.

The Drip [1.2]

Roland: So Johnny Rose wants the ol' Johnny Hancock, huh? Well shouldn't be a problem, Johnny. I'm happy to sign off on the listing.

Johnny: Well, thank you, very much, Roland, appreciate it.

Roland: Sure. Why don't you come over tonight and pick it up?

Johnny: Uh, no-- Mr. Mayor, I-- No, Roland, a signature. That's all I need.

Roland: Johnny look, here is what you're gonna do: you're gonna grab the kids, you're gonna grab Moira, you're gonna come over we're gonna sit down like civilized people, have a few laughs, and then at the end of the evening we'll get to the big signing, okay?

Johnny: Right. Okay-- honestly Roland, it's just a-- it's just a signature. A flick of the wrist. That's it.

Roland: You're not rejecting my hospitality, are you, Johnny? Because that really wouldn't be a good way to start things off, I don't think.

Johnny: No! No. I'd love to come to dinner are you kidding me? No. I just thought, let's do business first, get the signature, and then dinner.

Roland: Johnny, you want that. To get that you need this. So let's just do this my way.

Johnny: Yeah, yeah, sure. Yeah. Dinner it is.

Roland: Dinner it is. Attaboy!

---

Moira: So Jocelyn, you were saying that you teach high school? Or you want to finish high school? I'm not sure, I couldn't hear over your husband's chewing.

---

Roland: Oh, there it is! There it is! The Vivien Blake bitch face!

Moira: Excuse me?

Roland: I didn't want to say anything, but you were my favourite character on "Sunrise Bay".

Moira: [flatly] Thanks.

Jocelyn: It's true. He lived for "Sunrise Bay". I could be doing cartwheels in a thong in front of that television, which I have done, but if your show was on I was as good as wall paper.

Roland: Hey, how many people did you slap on that show?

Moira: I don't care.

Bad Parents [1.4]

Moira: Alexis! [...] I need to speak with our daughter.

Johnny: Good luck.

Moira: [loudly] Oh my God, where did you hear that?

(rapid footsteps)

Alexis: What is it?

---

Alexis: I don't get it, [the paperwork is] all done.

Moira: No, there's still a little bit that needs to be filled in.

Alexis: All that's missing is my middle name.

Moira: Then fill it in, please.

Alexis: Do I have to do that?

Moira: [scoffs] Why must you be so constantly irksome?

(pregnant pause)

Alexis: Do you not know my middle name?

Moira: [incredulous] Of course I do! I blessed you with it!

Alexis: Okay, so um... then what name should I put down then?

Johnny: Alexis. Do as your mother says, please.

Alexis: Do you know my middle name?

(pregnant pause)

Johnny: If I said... Anna?

Alexis: I can't believe this!

Moira: Alexis... Something Rose.

The Cabin [1.5]

Alexis: Um, why don't you guys stay at the cabin for longer?

Moira: Oh, I would never just abandon you two in a motel in the middle of nowhere.

David: Didn't you once take the wrong baby home from preschool?

Moira: Alexis looked Chinese as an infant! How many times must I defend myself?!

Wine and Roses [1.6]

Johnny: How did you open the door?

Moira: I threw a shoe. This wine is aw-ful! Get me another glass.

Johnny: Well, I think maybe we've had enough wine, sweetheart.

Moira: I can't feel my tongue. But I know it's there, because I'm talking.

Johnny: Moira, you should hear what they're saying about you out there. You are doing great!

Moira: No. No, John, I ruined it. I ruined everything.

Johnny: No! No, you didn't!

Moira: I did!

Johnny: No, sweetheart, I ruined everything. I ruined it.

Moira: You did? Why did you ruin everything?

Johnny: Okay. Well, let's not focus on me right now.

---

Moira: In the lea of a picture-esque ridge lies a small, unpretentious winery. One that pampers its fruit like its own babies. Hi! I'm Moira Rose, and if you love fruit wine as much as I do, then you'll appreciate the craftsmanship and quality of a local vintner. Who brings the musk melon goodness to his oak Chardonnay, and the dazzling peach [slurring] cral...bapple to his Riesling Rioja. Come taste the difference good fruit can make in your wine. You'll remember the experience, and you'll remember the name: Herb Ervling...ger. Burt Herngeif. Irv Herm-blinger. Bing. Livehaanger. Liveling. Burt Herkurn. Burn... Bingo Ling-- fucker!

Carl's Funeral [1.9]

Johnny: Bob... in case I wanna mention this in my remarks, how did Carl go?

Bob: Well, it was a bit of a freak accident, really. Apparently, he was trying to unhook his belt from the ceiling fan and... apparently it got knotted around his neck.

Johnny: What?

Bob: Yeah, you know, you'd think the whole thing would've come down, you know? Try keeping a fan and a body spinning up there for two days. But uh... Carl found the studs on that one.

Johnny: [horrified] Oh... yeah...

Bob: That's craftsmanship.

Season 2

Finding David [2.1]

Moira: Don't worry, he's fine. It's not the first time David's run away. Remember all those troubled years in high school when he'd charter the jet without permission?

Johnny: Yes, but he has no money.

Moira: Oh, he does now. If there's one thing David knows it's the street value of a woman's bag.

Johnny: Okay, you know what, can we stop talking about that bag for five minutes? The bag, the bag, and the bag!

Moira: John, it's an heirloom, my great grandmother took it from her husband when she left him, and it has been passed down through all the women in my family, as emergency currency in case we need to leave our husbands in the middle of the night.

Johnny: Well that's reassuring.

Moira: You don't have to worry darling, I'll never need it. But you know Alexis will!

Johnny: Yeah, more than once, probably.

---

Alexis: Oh my God, ever since David left you two have been so dramatic. Do I have to remind you of the time that I was taken hostage on David Geffen's yacht by Somali pirates for a week, and nobody answered my texts?!

Moira: I had just had my eyelashes dyed! Everything was cloudy!

---

Moira: What you did was impulsive, capricious, and melodramatic. But it was also wrong.

Family Dinner [2.3]

Johnny: David can cook.

David: I can't cook.

Johnny: You got that Teppanyaki table for your bar mitzvah.

David: That was thrown out after Alexis left her extensions on it and everything smelled like burnt hair.

Alexis: I thought it was an actual table, David.

David: There was a plug coming out of the side of it!

---

Moira: Next step is to fold in the cheese.

David: ...What does that mean? What does "fold in the cheese" mean?

Moira: You fold it in.

David: I understand that. But how? How do you fold it? Do you fold it in half like a piece of paper and drop it in the pot? Or what do you do?

Moira: David, I can not show you everything.

David: Okay, well can you show me one thing?

Moira: You just-- here's what you do: You just fold it in.

David: Okay, I don't know how to fold broken cheese like that!

Moira: Then I don't know how to be any clearer! You take that thing that's in your hand--

David: Uh huh?

Moira: And you--

David: If you say "fold in" one more time...

Moira: [yelling] It says "fold it in"!

David: [removing apron] This is your recipe! You fold in the cheese, then!

Moira: Don't you dare!

David: You fold it in!

Moira: David! Oh good, now I see bubbles! David! What does burning smell like?!

Jazzagals [2.3]

(Moira walks through Jocelyn's front door)

Moira: I can't come in, but I have some good news.

Jocelyn: That's great.

(pregnant pause)

Jocelyn: ...What's your news?

Moira vs. Town Council [2.6]

Johnny: David, if you're going out again can you pick up some new toilet paper? I cannot use the stuff the motel provides, okay? It's like a birthday streamer. You-- you-- it stretches, and then-- then-- and then you pull it, and it just snaps, okay? That whole thing just fell off the roller!

David: Wow, um. Dad, you remember Stevie?

(pregnant pause as Johnny turns and sees her behind the door)

Johnny: Yes, yes, I remember Stevie. I know Stevie. I knew Stevie was here. That's why I came in with something funny.

David: Hmm. Oh yeah, sure.

---

Johnny: What is that? Is that a new lamp?

David: Yeah, I'm thinking of bringing home-ware into the store, so that's a write off.

Johnny: That's a write off? Do you even know what a write off is?

David: Uh yeah, it's when you buy something for your business and the government pays you back for it.

Johnny: Oh, and who pays for it?

David: Nobody, you write it off.

Johnny: Who writes it off?!

David: I don't know, the govern-- the "write off" people! Why are we having this conversation?

Stevie: So if I need booze to get through my day, I can just write that off?

David: That's a stretch.

Stevie: But the skin care products you got this morning, those are a write off?

Johnny: What skin care products? You purchased skin care products?!

David: Okay, okay. I am the face of the company. If I have acne, what does that say about the legitimacy of the store?

Johnny: [gesturing] That's not a write off! That's not a write off! This?! Not a write off!

David: Oh, well, the bedding's non refundable, so...

Johnny: David, a write off... is a business expense used to reduce your taxable income!

David: Okay, well then why isn't it called a "tax write off?"

Johnny: [yelling] It is!

Season 3

Opening Night [3.1]

Johnny: Alexis, this is Jake. We seem to have caught the boys in a... In an "afternoon delight." Is that term still a going thing?

David: No-- that's-- no.

Alexis: No, never say that again.

David: Don't do that.

The Throuple [3.2]

Alexis: When it comes to three people, David, there's always a favorite. It's just like how Mom likes you more.

David: That's not true, and please don't include Mom in an analogy about my relationship. Thank you.

Moira: David, lunch today?

David: No.

Moira: Oh, okay. Well, I'll dine alone.

Alexis: See?

Moira: See what?

David: Alexis seems to think you like me more.

Moira: Alexis, don't be ridiculous! This is exactly the kind of paranoia that makes me wary of spending time with you.

---

Moira: You've never wanted to spend time alone with me. There, I said it.

Alexis: You never asked.

Moira: Bordeaux? The trip I planned for the two of us?

Alexis: That was a wine tasting tour, and I was seven years old!

Moira: You could've used the spittoon. That's what the other children did.

---

Alexis: [reading from list] What is your favourite season?

Moira: Awards.

Season 4

RIP Moira Rose [4.5]

David: I can't have your personal drama storming over my business dealings right now, so I think it's best if you got out of the car and walked home.

Alexis: Walked home? That would take like 15 minutes, David, that's absolutely not happening.

The Olive Branch [4.9]

Alexis: Hey, can I talk to you for a sec?

Moira: Oh, always. Just not now.

Singles Week [4.12]

Alexis: Hi, where are you?

Moira: I'm on my way! We've just encountered a bit of a roadblock, a hold-up, a minor issue.

Alexis: Okay, you literally had one job to do.

Moira: Jocelyn is in labor!

Alexis: Oh my god!

Moira: I know it's no one's fault. I'm with her now, we're in the car.

Alexis: Okay, so what am I supposed to do, here?

Moira: Well, has the press arrived yet?

Alexis: Yes! Everybody has arrived. Everybody is here, just waiting.

Moira: Oh! Don't start without me you little frippit. You don't have the media training.

Alexis: Okay, can you just like, please try to hurry up? Because the last thing we wanna do is stand up a room full of singles.

Moira: Oh look, Jocelyn's pulling up to the hospital right now.

Alexis: Wait, Jocelyn's driving?!

Moira: Yes, Alexis! She insisted! My nerves are fried!

Jocelyn: [screams in pain]

Season 6

The Presidential Suite [6.8]

Moira: [shrieks]

Johnny: Moira? What's going on in there?

Moira: [yelling] Oh, it's my hands, John! It's the water! It's freezing cold!

Johnny: Then move your hands!

Moira: How will I know if it's getting warmer if I'm not touching it?!

Johnny: Well, Moira, you've got the cold tap on. You need to balance it with the hot.

Moira: Oh. Well, I'm sorry I'm not an alchemist, John. And it's not like there's a his sink for when the hers is inoperable.

Johnny: Okay, Moira.

Moira: Excuse me while I try to pass through. [flailing] Oh, John! These door frames! It's like trying to force oneself through the eye of a needle!

Johnny: I think the point has been made, Moira.

Cast

• Eugene Levy - Johnny Rose
• Catherine O'Hara - Moira Rose
• Dan Levy - David Rose
• Annie Murphy - Alexis Rose
• Emily Hampshire - Stevie Budd
• Jennifer Robertson - Jocelyn Schitt
• Chris Elliott - Roland Schitt
• Sarah Levy - Twyla Sands (seasons 2-6, also starring season 1)
• Tim Rozon - Mutt Schitt (seasons 1–2; guest star seasons 3–4)
• John Hemphill - Robert "Bob" Currie (seasons 2–3, also starring seasons 1 & 4, recurring seasons 5–6)
• Karen Robinson - Veronica "Ronnie" Lee (seasons 2–6, also starring season 1)
• Dustin Milligan - Theodore "Ted" Mullens (seasons 2–5, also starring season 1, recurring season 6)
• Noah Reid - Patrick Brewer (seasons 4–6, recurring season 3)