Scott Pilgrim is a series of graphic novels written and drawn by Canadian artist Bryan Lee O'Malley. They are published by Oni Press.
Ramona Flowers (24 years old) Status: Scott is an idiot
- What kind of idiot would knowingly date a girl named Knives? (Vol.2, 10,29,6)
- Ooh, go ahead and poke fun at my poor queenology, Canada boy. (Vol.2, 11,9,2)
- Okay, stop. It sounds retarded. You sound retarded. I'm breaking up with you. (Vol.2, 11,12,2)
- Let's forget the whole thing. I'm getting really sick of not strangling her. (Vol.3, 15,6,3)
Wallace Wells (25 years old) Rating: 7.5/10 Fun fact: He is gay
- Ramona, I love you. I'll love you forever. And I have dipping sauce for you! I'll be your dipping sauce bitch! (Vol.3, 13,20,4)
- Let's be friends based on mutual hate. (Vol.3, 13,20,6)
- You hear that? That's market bacon hitting the pan. Today a child is born unto us, and his name will be bacon. (Vol.3, 14,7,4)
- You listen to me. I'm the one who tells you what your mom says, okay? (Vol.4, 19,14,1)
- No, I don't know the cheat code for Sonic 3. I'm very busy here, Scott. Will you please stop calling me?
Kim Pine (23 years old) Drummer
- Ooh, can you put on something really morbid and horrible and Japanese? (Vol.2, 8,6,7)
- WE ARE SEX BOB-OMB!!! WE ARE HERE TO MAKE YOU THINK ABOUT DEATH AND GET SAD AND STUFF!!! (Vol.3, 17,9,2)
- Scott, if your life had a face, I would punch it. I would punch your life in the face. (Vol.4, 21,12,2)
Knives Chau (17 years old)
- I think he's only dating her because she's old, you know? She's probably like 25! She's some fat-ass white girl, you know? (Vol. 2, 9,15,2)
- You're dead, fatty! (Vol.2, 10,13&14,2)
- My name is Knives Chau, and I'm a SCOTTAHOLIC!! (Vol.2, 10,20,2)
- I've kissed the lips that kissed YOU!!! (Vol.3, 12,8,4)
- You stole him with your advanced American slut technology! You're not nice! (Vol.5, 27,20,3)
Julie Powers (22 years old) Has issues
- Stephen... you know how, when a baby is first born, it just cries at the sheer horror of being alive? (Vol.3, 14,11,3)
- Back off, bitch, it's my birthday. (Vol.4, 19,2,5)
- A tiny robot is kicking this guy's ass, if anyone wants to watch. Oh, and then the band's gonna play. (Vol.5, 26,14,6)
- Mrs. Chau: You are seventeen year old! Time to get interested in boy! (Vol.1, intro, page 9, panel 2)
- Stephen Stills, the talent: Scott, if your life had a face, I would punch it in the balls. Seriously.(Vol.4, 24,6,7)
- Gideon: We have a mutual friend, see, and she- Ah, screw it. This is Gideon. When would it be convenient for you to die? (Vol.5)
Released July, 2004.
- Scott: You have to promise to be good.
- Knives: Of course I'll be good!
- Scott: No, really. Please. Be good.
- Knives: I'll be good! Am I normally not--
- Scott: You promise to be good?
- Knives: Yes. I'll be so good.
- Stephen Stills: What the hell are you making this poor girl say, Scott? (Vol.1, ch. 1,5,1-5)
- Scott: Okay, let's start with Launchpad McQuack.
- Stephen Stills: That's not the actual title of the song. (Vol.1, ch. 1,8,4)
- Stephen Stills: Man, that was way too fast.
- Kim: Oh boo-hoo, pussy boy. (1,11,1)
- Scott: Chill out. It's like in Trainspotting.
- Wallace: Okay, first of all, in Trainspotting, remember how he was all freaking out and worried? That was because he knew it was sick and wrong and illegal. Secondly, remember how she was coercing him into dating her?
- Scott: No, dude, it's not like that at all.
- Wallace: You just said it was like that!
- Scott: Okay, maybe I didn't watch that movie carefully. (1,18,1-3)
- Knives: Oh, hi. Do you want to know who in my class is gay?
- Wallace: Yes. Does he wear glasses?
- Scott: (pointing away) Wallace, you go now. You leave. Begone.
- Wallace: Aww... Wait! What? This sucks! You suck! (1,20,2-3)
- Knives: Do you always refer to him by his full name?
- Scott: Who, Stephen Stills? Yes. (1,22,5)
- Other Scott: Excuse me, can we skip the dreamtime? Colour me not interested.
- Scott: I... but... it's... not... it's totally... it's... Y... you're not the boss of... me? (2,4,4)
- Scott: Hey, Amazon.ca, that's the online bookstore or whatever, right?
- Wallace: Yep.
- Scott: What's the website for that?
- Wallace: ....... ... Amazon.ca. (2,27,2-5)
- Scott: Dude, the computer claims I have mail!
- Wallace: Whatever, Scott.
- Scott: Dude, now I'm reading it! 'Dear Mr. Pilgrim, it has come to my attention that we will be fighting soon. My name is Matthew Patel and I'm a...hmm... This is...
- Wallace: What?
- Scott: This is...!
- Wallace: What is it?!
- Scott: It's boring. Delete!
- Wallace: Guess who's druuuunk!
- Scott: I guess Wallace.
- Wallace: You guess right!! (3,7,3-4)
- Scott: So who are we playing with?
- Stephen Stills: Crash and the Boys.
- Scott: Awww, man? That one band with Crash? And those boys? I hate them! (3,20,6-7)
- Scott: I wish I could turn into a morphing ball and roll to the bathroom from here, instead of having to get up.
- Ramona: I used to know a guy who could do that. He said it wasn't that great.
- Scott:You're ruining all my illusions! (4,28,1-2)
- Stacey: Awww, I'm always there for my little brother's crappy band's shows, you know that!
- Jimmy: Didn't you say he was like, four years older than you?
- Stacey: Yes... (5;[7,6]-[8,2])
- Crash: Good evening. I am Crash, and these are the boys.
- Wallace: Is that GIRL a boy, too?
- Crash: Yes!! (Trasha gives Wallace the finger) (5,11,1-3)
- Wallace: So what do you think, Jimmy? Do they rock or suck?
- Jimmy: They... they haven't started playing yet.
- Wallace: That was a test, Jimmy, and you passed.
- Stacey: What time did you start drinking today, Wallace, like, noon?
- Wallace: You're a funny lady, Stacey Pilgrim. (5,12,1-3)
- Crash: This song is for the guy who keeps yelling from the balcony, and it's called "We Hate You, Please Die."
- Wallace: Sweet! A song for ME! (5;[13,6]-[14,1])
- Stephen Stills: He's going for the air juggle!
- Kim: This guy is such toast. Doesn't he know Scott's the best fighter in the province?
- Scott: What's with your outfit, anyway? Are you a pirate?
- Patel: P... pirates are in this year!! (5,30,3-4)
Released May, 2005.
- Kim: You suck at drawing, don't you?
- Scott: Maps are hard! I could draw it really good if it was a sheep.
- Kim: A sheep?? Are you serious? Draw me a sheep!
- Scott: I forget, do sheep have curly tails or is that pigs? (6,11,1-2)
- Simon: This is the best St. Joel's could muster?
- Scott: That's not what your mom said last night! (6,19&20,1-2)
- Wallace: Look, Scott. I'm going to issue an ultimatum.
- Scott: One of your famous ultimatums?
- Wallace: It may live in infamy. (7,5,1-3)
- Knives: Seriously, are you wearing, um, a tan jacket? Like a spring jacket? And a hoodie?
- Scott: Yes...
- Knives: And a dorky hat!!
- Scott: It's not dorky! And I'm scared! Why are you psychic? (7,8,2-3)
(Scott made some food for him and Ramona, and orders Wallace out)
- Wallace: But there's so much food!
- Scott: There's only enough for me and Rammy.
- Wallace: "Rammy?" Are you seriously calling her that?
- Scott: Not to her face.
- Scott: Garlic bread is my favourite food. I could honestly eat it for every meal. Or just all the time without even stopping.
- Ramona: You'd get fat.
- Scott: No.
- Ramona: You'd get totally fat.
- Scott: I don't think I'd get fat. Why would I get fat?
- Ramona: Bread makes you fat. Butter makes you fat.
- Scott: Bread makes you fat?? (7,22,3-6)
- Scott's Mom: We're in Italy. We're in Rome.
- Scott: Are there... Romans there?
- Scott's Mom: Yes, Scott, there are Romans in Rome. (9,2,4-5)
- Scott: You know where they are? They're in Rome. They're livin' it up! They're... They're... riding Vespas and eating a spicy meatball and kissing parts of the Pope! Or "venerating" them, or whatever.
- Ramona: ...Really?
- Scott: I'm assuming!
- Ramona: Do you know anything at all about Rome? You don't, do you?
- Scott: I do too! I have tons of ideas about Rome! (9,5,2-6)
- Ramona: Scott, it was the ninth grade. He was a skinny little snot-nosed brat. He asked me out 96 times and I finally said okay.
- Scott: There was snot in his nose? (9,21,5-6)
- Scott: You smoked?
- Ramona: Yes! I smoked. God. I quit in college.
- Scott: You smoked for years?
- Ramona: I'm going to hit you so hard. (9,22,1-2)
- Scott: This band sucks.
- Julie: That's what they'll be saying about you on Sunday.
- Scott: At least I... Wait... Something... You... insult...
- Ramona: Scott, that was not a good comeback.
- Stephen Stills: That was actually not bad for Scott. (11,24,1-2)
- Sandra: So are you guys an item now?
- Ramona: Scott, are we an item?
- Scott: I'm sorry. What? (Thought balloons of a mushroom, a flower, and a star)
Released May, 2006.
- Scott: I dislike you.
- Todd: Tell it to the cleaning lady on Monday.
- Scott: What?
- Todd: Because... because you'll be dust on Monday.
- Scott: Huh?
- Todd: Because I'll be pulverizing you sometime over the weekend.
- Scott: I'm sorry... what?
- Todd: And the cleaning lady... cleans up... dust. She dusts. And she has weekends off, so... Monday. Right?
- Envy: What in the hell are you talking about, Todd? (13,11,1-8)
- Todd: We have unfinished business, I and he.
- Scott: He and me.
- Todd: Don't you talk to me about grammar...!!! (13,12,1-2)
- Wallace: Oh! Dude!! I picked up this guy? Named Mobile?
- Scott: His name is Mobile?
- Wallace: Yes!!
- Scott: Is he... European? (13,19,4-5)
- Wallace: DON'T SWEAT IT! ENVY'S ALL LOOKS! SHE'S JUST A PRETTY-BOY!
- Envy: I'm not a boy! (17,4,2-3)
- Envy: ... Is chicken parmesan vegan?
- Bald Vegan Policeman: Is it?
- Tall Vegan Policeman: I'm not sure. Isn't a "parmesan" like a rodent or something? (18,11,4-5)
Released October, 2007.
- Scott: Why are your pants off? Quit taking your pants off all the time!
- Wallace: It's hot! Also? I'm hot, so enjoy it while you can.
- Scott: Mumble... mumble... scarred for life... (19,13,2-3)
- Wallace: Scott! Get out of bed!
- Scott: Wha? Wallace?
- Wallace: There's a heat wave warning in effect, so I'm ordering you to get out of our furnace-like apartment and go somewhere air-conditioned lest you die.
- Scott: Heat wave? Oh yeah... I guess I'm drenched in sweat... (19,24,3-5)
- Knives: It's over Tamara, seriously! He's an idiot and a loser and... and he's a loser and he's an idiot!
- Tamara: Oookay...
- Knives: Why do they call him Young Neil? I don't even know! I don't even know!!! (20,10,4-5)
- Scott: So, you think I could get a job at the... uh... bank?
- Kim: He works in a restaurant, Scott, but nice try. (21,8,5)
- Ramona: Canada was never supposed to get this hot, dude.
- Scott: You thought we all lived in igloos or something, right? Where's your fashionable parka?
- Ramona: Shut up. Why are you wearing those wristband things, anyway? Don't they make you sweat? (21,21,1-2)
- Jason: Is the food here always this bad?
- Lisa: Are you kidding? It's, like, ambrosia.
- Kim: Have you seen the grease oozing from that vent outside? (21,24,5-6)
- Ramona: Somehow the pantsless gay man is not bringing the romance, Scott. I think I'll bid you adieu.
- Scott: Wait, what? This sucks! (to Wallace:) You suck! (21,31,1-3)
- Wallace: I think Peter hates us for some reason. I mean, it's not our fault we can't afford rent and we come here every month to try to charm our way through, right?...Can you be serious for one second?
- Scott: I like elevators. (22,2,3-5)
- Stephen Stills: I'm sure I've seen that guy before.
- Scott: Was he swinging a huge samurai sword at your neck? Excuse me, through a streetcar at your neck? (22,21,1-2)
- Scott: I think I'm not getting something.
- Roxanne: He really doesn't know!
- Ramona: Scott... isn't it obvious?
- (graphic of Scott's mind cracking open)
- Scott: You and her?!
- Ramona: Oh, relax. It was a phase. [...]
- Scott: You had a SEXY phase?! (22;[25,4]-[27,3])
- Scott: Y-you mean you've been dressing in an unusually sexy fashion because of me?
- Lisa: Yeah, I guess that's what I mean.
- Scott: That's amazing!!! (23,23,8-9)
- Roxanne: Your dreams suck, Pilgrim.
- Scott: Nuh-uh... They're cool. Like anime. (23,32,4)
- Roxanne: This is just another example of Scott Pilgrim being a lazy ass who doesn't fight his own battles!
- Scott: You've got swords!
- Roxanne: Excuses! (25,6,4-5)
- Scott: I don't hit girls!
- Wallace: I can't believe you're drinking beer! Is this the transformative power of love, or what?
- Ramona: Nah, I'm just forcing him. How is it, baby?
- Scott: It's yucky. (25,32,2-4)
- Scott: Don't you just wish this moment could last forever?
- Ramona: This moment with your hand on my boob? (25,36,1-2)
- Julie: (About Knives) Are we letting her drink beer again?
- Stephen Stills: Hell, yes, we are. And it's HILARIOUS!
- Note to minors: He is lying. Underage drinking is not at all hilarious.
- Ramona: How old am I?
- Scott: I.. You're 22!.... 23.... 24? You're 19!!
- Ramona: Oh, would you give it up!
- Scott: How am I suppose to know, It's unknown!! Your Age is Unknown!!
- Ramona: Dude, you could ask.
- Scott: .................................................
- Scott: How old are you?
- Ramona: I'm not telling.
(The last page of Vol. 4)
This is the back of the book.
What do you think you're doing?
Who do you think you are?
Go to the other end of the book and start at page 1.
Your mother and I are very disappointed in you.
Reading your new graphic novel: some options
OPTION 1: Follow the balloons from left to right and top to bottom, then move on to the next panel, the way you learned it at that sissy school of yours.
OPTION 2: Read each balloon in whatever order appeals to you most. Freestyle! It's your book now! Don't let the man tell you which direction to read!
WARNING: for entertainment use only. Do not attempt to learn anything from this page.
Released February, 2009.
- Scott: Y'know, I never thought I'd say it, but... I think maybe I'm getting sick of theme parties.
- Ramona: Tell me about it.
- Scott: Okay, underwater pimp and ho party, Canadian politics circa 1972 but you're secretly Batman party, then that last one...
- Ramona: That one was Halloween, so I think it gets a free pass. (26,[4,1]-[5,1])
- Scott: Man, Julie, ever since you moved over here it's been non-stop.
- Julie: Yeah, well, next time I'll think twice about inviting your ass.
- Scott: Whatever... her outfit is barely even theme-appropriate. (26,6,1-3)
- Stephen Stills: I can't hear the hi-hat.
- Joseph: Then your ears are retarded.
- Stephen Stills: Don't be a bitch, bitch! (27,1,1-2)
- Scott: Do you know anything about cats?
- Kim: I know they smell like cat pee.
- Scott: Cool, I'll make a note of that. (31,9,5-8)
- Scott: Sorry about...everything.
- Kim: It's not your fault.
- Scott: Sorry about ME!
- Kim: Apology accepted. (31, 17-18, 1-6)