Kim: Scott, if your life had a face, I would punch it.
Scott:[oblivious] Yeah. [confused] Wait, what?
Kim: I mean, are you really happy, or are you really evil?
Scott: Like, do I have ulterior motives or something? I'm offended, Kim.
Kim: Wounded, even?
Scott: Hurt, Kim.
Kim:[in disbelief] You? Hurt?
Scott:[changing the subject] Neil, you were saying about "she seems awesome"?
Young Neil: Yeah, she seems awesome.
[Waiting outside Knives' school.]
Wallace: I do not want to be here at all.
Scott: This school has boys, too.
Wallace:[rolls eyes] Hate you. Even I would think twice about dating a 17-year-old.
Scott: Well, she's only allowed out when the sun is up, so I wouldn't call it dating. It's more like...
Scott: That doesn't sound so good, either.
Knives: Scott! [runs up to Scott and Wallace]
Scott: Hey, Knives. This is my cool, gay roommate, Wallace Wells.
Scott: He's gay.
Knives: Oh. Do you wanna know who in my class is gay?
Wallace: Yes. Does he wear glasses?
Scott: Wallace, you go now. Begone.
Wallace:[seizing Knives by the hands, intensely] You're too good for him. Run. [walks away while Scott nervously chuckles]
Scott: Wallace! [Wallace wakes up hungover, and is still wearing his clothes from the previous night] Amazon.ca, what's the website for that?
Scott: I have to order something really cool.
Computer:You've got mail.
Scott: Dude, this thing claims I have mail.
Wallace:[sarcastically] It's amazing what we can do with computers these days.
Scott: Dude, now I'm reading it.
Wallace:[sarcastically] So happy for you.
Scott:[reading] Dear Mr. Pilgrim, it has come to my attention that we will be fighting soon. My name is Matthew Patel, and... Blah, blah, blah, b... Fair warning... Mano y mano... Seven evil... Blah, blah... This is... [disturbed] This is... This is...
Wallace:[yanks off sweater]What??
Scott: This is boring.Dele-ete.
[Scott deletes e-mail. Wallace sees Scott sitting in front of the door]
Wallace:[incredulous] Scott, are you waiting for the package you just ordered?
Wallace: It's the weekend. It won't ship until Monday at the earliest.
Scott:[jumps up] You were saying?
[Scott opens the door and is immediately pounced on by Knives]
Scott: Hey! Attack hug. That's so cute. So cute.
Knives: You don't remember? You were supposed to meet me at the bus stop a half-hour ago.
Scott:[flatly smiling] How could I possibly forget? [Scott chuckles as Knives hugs him and laughs, and Wallace falls back into bed.]
[Ramona delivers Scott's package, and Scott opens the door, the same time Ramona rings the doorbell.]
Ramona: Uh, Scott Pilgrim?
Scott: Hi, I was thinking about asking you out, but then I realized how stupid that would be. So, do you want to go out sometime?
Ramona: Um, no. That's okay. You just need to sign for this, alright?
Scott: I just woke up and you were in my dream. I dreamt that you were delivering me this package. Is that weird?
Ramona: It's not weird at all.
Scott: It's not?
Ramona: No, it's just that you have this really convenient subspace highway running through your head that I like to use. It's, like, 3 miles in 15 seconds.
Scott: Right, right.
Ramona: I forgot you guys don't have that in Canada.
[Wallace and Jimmy watch a gig from Crash and the Boys]
Wallace: Hey, Jimmy. Do they rock or suck?
Jimmy:[hesitantly] They have not started playing yet.
Wells: That was a test, Jimmy.
Wallace:[pats Jimmy's arm] You passed.
Crash:Good evening. My name is Crash, these are the Boys.
Wallace:[heckling.] Is that girl a Boy, too?
Crash:[offended]Yes.[Trasha gives Wallace the finger; audience titters.]
Kim:[offstage, incensed] They have a girl drummer?
Crash:This song is called, "I Am So Sad, I Am So Very, Very Sad". Goes a little something like this.[Trasha counts in on the drums, and Crash and Joel play two chords]♪ SOOOOOO SAD!!!... ♪[Song ends]Thank you.
Wallace:[heckling.]Not a race, guys!
[audience looks at Wallace, annoyed with the heckling]
Crash:All right, this next song goes out to the guy who keeps yelling from the balcony.[Wallace points at himself, mock questioningly]It's called "We Hate You, Please Die."
Wallace: Sweet! [to Jimmy] Love this one.
[Crash and the Boys play "We Hate You, Please Die."]
Stephen:[barely audible with subtitles] How are we supposed to follow this? We're not going to win. We're not going to sign with G-Man. We'll never play opening night at the Chaos Theatre. GODDAMN IT, SCOTT! WILL YOU PLEASE STOP JUST STANDING THERE?! YOU'RE FREAKING ME OUT!
Matthew:Mr. Pilgrim![lands on the stage] It is I, Matthew Patel. Consider our fight... BEGUN!
[Matthew leaps into the air, preparing to attack Scott in slow-mo]
Scott:[voice slowed down]What did I do?What do I do?
Wallace:[voice slowed down]FIGHT!
Scott: Wait! We're fighting over Ramona?
Matthew: Didn't you get my email explaining the situation?
Scott: I skimmed it.
Wallace: Mmm-mmm. [shakes his head]
Matthew: You will pay for YOUR INSOLENCE!
Wallace:[to Scott] Hey! What's up with his outfit?
Guy:[dismissive] Yeah, is he a pirate?
Scott:[to Matthew]Are you a pirate?
Matthew:[defensive] Pirates are in this year!
[Scott and Matthew fight some more, and Scott seizes him by the arms.]
Scott:[to Ramona] You really went out with this guy?
[spotlight shines on Ramona]
Ramona: Yeah. In the 7th grade.
Ramona:[sighs] It was football season, and for some reason, all the little jocks wanted me. Matthew was the only non-white, non-jock boy in town. So the two of us joined forces, and we took 'em all down. We brawled, and scrapped, and fought for hours. Nothing could beat Matthew's mystical powers. We only kissed once. After a week and a half, I told him to hit the showers.
Scott: Dude, wait. Mystical powers?
Matthew:[pushes Scott back; to Ramona] You'll pay for this...Flowers. [singing]♪ If you want to fight me ♪
Matthew: Ha! ♪ You're not the brightest. You won't know what hit you in the slightest. ♪
[Matthew vocalizes and makes Demon Hipster Chicks appear.]
Stephen:[stunned] This guy's good.
Matthew:♪ Me and my fireballs. ♪ [hisses] ♪ My Demon Hipster Chicks. ♪
Demon Hipster Chicks: ♪ Tell 'em, Matty. ♪
Matthew:♪ I'm talking the talk, 'cause I know I'm slick. ♪ [winks]
Demon Hipster Chicks:♪ S-L-ick. ♪
Matthew:♪ Fireballs, take this sucker down. Let us show him what we're all about. ♪
Scott:[angrily] That doesn't even rhyme!
[Scott throws a cymbal which hits Matthew on his head, and makes the Demon Hipster Chicks disappear]
Matthew:[thinking] This is impossible. How can this be?
Scott:[also thinking] Open your eyes. Maybe you'll see.
[Scott flies toward Matthew video-game-style and punches his face]
[Matthew turns into coins, thus earning Scott 1,000 points.]
Scott:[happily] Sweet! Coins. [he picks up the coins]
Kim: Where's Knives? Not coming tonight?
Scott: No, we broke up. Hey, check it out. I learned the bass line from Final Fantasy II.[strums "Final Fantasy II" bass line.]
Kim: Scott, you are the salt of the earth.
Scott: [happily] Oh, thanks.
Kim: I meant, scum of the earth.
Scott: [happily] Thanks.
Young Neil: You broke up with Knives?
Scott: Yeah. But don't worry. Maybe soon, you'll meet my new-new girlfriend.
Young Neil: New-new?
[Kim mimics shooting herself through the head while imitating a gunshot, and collapses on her drum kit.]
Stephen: Okay. From here on out, no girlfriends or girlfriend talk at practice, whether they're old, new, or--
Stephen and Young Neil: New-new.
Stephen: We were lucky to survive the last round. It's sudden death now, okay?
[Scott and Sex Bob-Omb are playing "Summertime," but a doorbell ringing interrupts Scott]
Scott: [excited] That's for me! That's for me, that's for me. [opens door from Ramona] Hey, you're here. [notices Ramona's hair is blue.]
Ramona: Yes, like you said. [Ramona enters and Scott closes the door.]
Scott: You know your hair?
Ramona: I know of it.
Scott: It's all blue.
Ramona: I change my hair every week-and-a-half, dude. Get used to it. [Scott stares at Ramona's hair] So...how do you guys all know each other?
Young Neil: Um, high school, I guess.
Stephen: What Neil said.
Young Neil: [introducing himself] I'm Neil.
Kim: [to Ramona] Believe it or not, I actually dated Scott in high school.
Ramona: Oh, got any embarrassing stories?
Kim: [chuckles] Yeah. [smile disappears] He's an idiot.
Scott: [puts on hat] Okay, bye. See you guys tomorrow.
Stephen: What about rehearsal?
Scott: Neil knows my parts.
[Scott and Ramona leave]
Young Neil: I'm Neil.
[Kim and Stephen stare at Neil]
Lucas: Prepare-- [rips off part of set] Prepare to feel the wrath of the League of Evil Exes.
Scott: The League of Evil Exes?
Lucas: You really don't know about the League?
Lucas: The seven evil exes, coming to kill you, controlling the future of Ramona's love life?
Lucas: Oh, well, hey, listen, man. Don't worry about it.
Scott: [stunned] Really?
Lucas: Yeah. [reaches to help him up] Let's go get a beer.
Scott: That's great.
[Lucas punches him in the face]
Scott: You are a pretty good actor.
Lucas: I'm going for the Oscar this year.
Scott: But are you a pretty good skater?
Lucas: I'm more than pretty good, Esé.[pulls his shirt collar down to reveal a double-L tattoo on his chest] I have my own skate company.
Scott: But can you do a thingy...on that rail? [indicates railing on a set of steps]
Lucas: It's called a grind, bro.
Scott: So, can you do a grindy thingy now?
Lucas: Are you serious? There are, like, 200 steps, and the rails are garbage.
Scott: [innocent] Well, hey, if it's too hardcore, then...
Lucas: [glaring] You really think you can goad me into doing a trick like that?
Scott: [deadpan] There are girls watching.
Lucas: [beat] Somebody get me my board.
Wallace: [pops into view, taps Lucas on shoulder] Hi. Big fan. [passes him his skateboard]
Lucas Lee: [cracks neck] Why wouldn't you be?
[Lucas starts his run, hopping from rail to rail, picking up speed, by kilometers]
Scott: [watching] Wow. [Lucas' speed increases rapidly]Wow.[Lucas is now going dangerously fast, the bottom of the rail in sight]Wow.
[Going too fast to stop, Lucas reaches the bottom of the steps, stops at 309 kilometers, and explodes into coins]
Wallace: He totally bailed.
[Scott earns 2,000 points]
Scott: [realizing.]Aw, I didn't get his autograph.
Director: And that's a wrap, everybody.
Scott: [doesn't see Ramona] Hey, where's Ramona? Is she still here?
Wallace: [he also doesn't see Ramona] No, she totally bailed.
Scott: What's the deal? Seriously.
Director: Okay, let's get everybody out of here. Let's move, people, the sun is coming up.
Knives: [buying blue hair dye from a drugstore while explaining her situation to Tamara Chen]OH, MY GOD! He's dating a fatass hipster chick! I hate her stupid guts! He only likes her because she's old! She's probably, like, 25! Oh, she's just some fatass white girl, you know?!
Tamara Chen: I think you mentioned she was fat.
Knives: [preparing to dye her hair] She's got a head start. I mean, I didn't know there was good music until, like, two months ago! Hey, this really burns.
Tamara Chen: You should rinse.
Knives: [rinsing her hair] When I got this idea, I just thought, "I have to do it!"
Tamara Chen: I can't hear anything you're saying.
Knives: [Looking at her hair in the mirror] Oh, God! I look so...good. Ramona Flowers stole my Scott, but I know how to get him back.
Tamara Chen: How?
[Knives texts to Young Neil saying, "YUNG NEIL ITZ KNIVES. OMFG UR SO HOTT."]
[During an awkward backstage face-off between Scott and Ramona and Envy and Todd, their respective exes]
Todd Ingram: [to Ramona] Hey, Ramona.
Ramona: Hey, Todd.
Todd: It's been a while.
Ramona: [to Scott] I think we should get out of here.
Julie: So how was the tour? You guys play with the Pixies? You're like a superstar now.
Envy: Yeah, it's, uh, not really something I can put into words.
Knives: Um, Envy... [everyone glares at her] I read your blog.
Envy: So, Scott and Ramona, eh?
Ramona: What of it?
Envy: You guys make a cute couple you know. [Todd scoffs] Suit each other.
Knives: [pleasurably] You're my role model, Envy.
Envy: Ramona, I like your outfit. Affordable?
Julie: [interrupts] Envy, I was just gonna say, did you get those jeans in New York?
Envy: [stops Julie, seething] I'm talking to Ramona right now.
Julie: Ramona lived in New York.
Envy: Oh, did she? I was just there. Played the Chaos Theater for Gideon. You know him, right?
[Knives gasps in horror and everyone looks at her.]
Knives: [to Envy] I've kissed lips that kissed you!
[Envy looks at Todd and nods, Todd stands up and punches Knives in the face, knocking the blue dye out of her hair and sending her reeling to the floor]
Scott: [stands up, horrified]Knives!
Todd: [nonchalant] What? I'm not afraid to hit a girl. I'm a rock star.
Young Neil: [shocked] Oh, my God. [glares at Todd, angrily] You punched the highlights out of her hair. [to Scott; concerned]He punched the highlights out of her hair!
Envy: You are incorrigible.
Todd: I don't know the meaning of the word.
Caption: HE REALLY DOESN'T.
[Young Neil leads a shellshocked Knives away]
Julie: [changing the subject] So, uh, you guys doing anything fun while you're in town?
Todd: "Fun"? In Toronto?
Scott: [angrily]THAT'S IT![slams fists on table as Envy gasps in horror]YOU COCKY COCK! You'll pay for your crimes against humanity![lunges to attack Todd, but is frozen by psychic energy. Todd, eyes glowing and hair standing on end, levitates Scott into the air][choking] My neck. [shocked]Your hair.
Envy: Didn't you know? Todd's vegan.
[Todd flings Scott through a brick wall into an alleyway outside.]
Todd: [moves couch out of the way psychically] It's not really that big of a deal. [kicks and breaks off part of the brick wall]
Scott: No kidding. [coughs and stands up] Anyone can be vegan.
Todd: Ovo-lacto-vegetarian, maybe.
Todd: I partake not in the meat, nor the breastmilk, nor the ovum, of any creature with a face.
Envy: Short answer: being vegan just makes you better than most people.
[Todd punches Scott and sends him, screaming, leaving a trail of A's high into the air and out of sight.]
Stephen: Hey, man, question. I always wondered, how does not eating dairy products give you psychic powers?
Todd: Okay, you know how you only use 10% of your brain? That's because the other 90% is filled with curds and whey.
Kim: [rudely] Did you learn that at Vegan Academy?
Todd: [annoyed] Go ahead and get snippy, baby. If you knew the science, maybe I'd listen to a word you're saying.
[Scott falls back to solid ground after hitting a light fixture. Ramona runs over to him]
Scott: [weakly] If I peed my pants, would you pretend I just got wet from the rain?
Ramona: It's not raining.
Scott: Oh. Then, why don't you give me the Cliff Notes on how and why you ended up dating this A-hole.
Ramona: Is that really important right now?
Scott: Well, if there's a key element in his backstory that's gonna help me out in a critical moment of not dying, yes.
Ramona: [looking defeated] I was only dating Lucas until the minute Todd walked by. Guess that's not very nice, but I used to be kind of...like that. We hated everyone, we wrecked stuff, nobody cared. He punched a hole in the moon for me. It was pretty crazy. A week-and-a-half later, he told me his dad was sending him to Vegan Academy, so, I dumped him.
Scott: Have you dumped everyone you've ever been with? You've never been the dumpee?
Ramona: Look, I've dabbled in being a bitch. It's part of the reason I moved here. I was really hoping to just...leave it all behind me.
Todd: Hey, lovebirds. We have unfinished business, I and he.
Scott: "He and me."
Todd: Don't you talk to me about grammar.
Scott: I dislike you, capisce?
Todd: Tell it to the cleaning lady on Monday.
Todd: Because you'll be dust by Monday.
Scott: [confused] Ummm...
Todd: Because you'll be pulverized in two seconds. And the cleaning lady? She cleans up dust. She dusts.
Scott: S-so, what's on Monday?
Todd: [also confused] Well, 'cause... it's Friday now, she has the weekends off, so... Monday. Right?
Envy: [bluntly] Basically, you can't win this fight, so you're gonna have to give up on this girl, 'cause Todd's gonna kill you.
Scott: [offended] You used to be so NICE!
[charges toward Todd in slow-mo, but Todd psychically throws Scott through a brick wall.]
Stephen: Uh, Scott, we're gonna go to Pizza Pizza for a slice. Call us when you're done.
Envy: Oh, he'll be done. Real soon.
Todd: [hears a bass note] Sounds like someone wants to get...funky.
[After exchanging bass riffs in a bass battle, Todd wins and psychically pushes Scott through 3 walls, thus breaking Scott's Rickenbacker Bass, and having him fall onto a coffee table. Scott sees Todd walk in and gets two coffees]
Todd: I can read your thoughts. [psychically]Your will is broken.[normally] You're through.
Scott: What say we drink to my memory? [offering him a cup of coffee, innocently.] Fair-trade blend with soy milk?
Envy: Heh. I'm sorry, but that's pathetic.
Todd: Dude, I can see in your mind's eye, that you put half-and-half into one of those coffees, in an attempt to make me break Vegan-edge. I'll take the one with soy. [levitates the other cup from Scott's hand and brings it to his own] Thanks, tool. [sips the coffee]
Scott: Actually, muchacho, I poured the soy in this cup, but I thought real hard about pouring it in that cup. You know, in my "mind's eye" or whatever. [sips his own coffee]
Todd: [eyes return to normal, baffled] What are you talking about?
Scott: You just drank half-and-half, baby.
[Sirens; a hole is blown into the wall. Todd drops his coffee cup, Anime-style. Two Vegan Police Officers come in with their index fingers (De-Veganizing Rays) raised at Todd.]
Vegan Police Officer #1: Freeze! Vegan Police!
Vegan Police Officer #2: Vegan Police!
Vegan Police Officer #1: Todd Ingram, you're under arrest for Veganity Violation Code Number 827: Imbibement of half-and-half.
Todd: Wh--? That's bullroar!
Vegan Police Officer #1: No vegan diet, no vegan powers!
Todd: But-but, uh...it's only my first offence. D-Don't I get three strikes? I mean...
Vegan Police Officer #1: [to Vegan Police Officer #2] Take it.
Vegan Police Officer #2: [whips out notepad] At 12:27 am, on February 1st, you knowingly ingested gelato.
[Scott Pilgrim smugly smiles]
Todd: Gelato isn't vegan?
Vegan Police Officer #1: It's milk and eggs, bitch.
Vegan Police Officer #2: [still reading] On April 4th, 7:30 pm, you partook a plate of chicken parmesan.
[Envy gasps in horror, then glares at Todd]
Todd: [feeble]Chicken isn't vegan?
Vegan Police Officer #1: The De-Veganizing Ray. Hit him!![both fire De-Veganizing Rays at Todd, stripping him of his powers. Scott tosses his coffee cup behind him, and the Vegan Police Officers step back and blow smoke from their De-Veganizing Rays as Scott steps forward purposefully. Todd's hair sags.]
Envy: [gasps] Oh, my God.
Todd: [shocked] No... No!
Scott: You once were a ve-gone, but now you will be gone.
Todd: [incredulous] "Ve-gone"?
[Scott headbutts Todd, who bursts into coins, thus earning Scott 3,000 points. Scott holds his forehead and groans in pain. The two Vegan Police Officers exit in slow-mo, high-fiving and exclaiming, "YEAH!" as they do.]
Scott: [to Envy] Uh...sorry, I guess.
Envy: [in disbelief] "Sorry"? You just head-butted my boyfriend so hard he burst.
Scott: You kicked my heart in the ass, so, I guess we're even...Natalie.
Envy: [in shock] "Natalie"? No one calls me that anymore.
Scott: Maybe they should. [to Ramona] Let's get outta here.
[Scott and Ramona leave and Scott also holds his back.]
Julie: [appearing out of nowhere] For the record, I am so pissed off for you, right now.
Envy: [angrily] Shut the [bleep] up, Julie.
Julie: [nonchalantly] Okay.
[Scott and Ramona arrive at The Clash at Demonhead's afterparty.]
Ramona: Look, I know Todd was bad news, but are you saying Envy wasn't? We all have baggage.
Scott: Yeah, well, my baggage doesn't try and kill me every five minutes. What did you do to make your ex-boyfriends so insane?
Ramona: No breakup is painless; somebody always gets hurt. What about you and that girl, Knives? Who broke up with who?
Scott: I believe I broke up with her.
Ramona: And was she cool with that?
Scott: Knives is with Young Neil now; she's totally cool with it.
Ramona: You're sure about that?
Scott: Yeah, she's very mature for her age. We had a very healthy break-up. We're all peaches and gravy.
Knives: [whines] No!
Ramona: What about you and Kim?
Scott: Me and Kim? I can barely remember. It was high school. She had freckles.
Ramona: That's it?
Scott: Yeah, it kind of ended. We changed.
Ramona: That's really the whole story?
Scott: Okay, fine. I had to fight a guy to be with her, okay? I fought a crazy, 80-foot-tall purple-suited dude, and I had to fight 96 guys to get to him. He was flying and shooting lightning bolts from his eyes, okay? And I kicked him so hard that he saw the curvature of the Earth. Does that make you feel any better?
Ramona: Well, now you are being a total ass. Welcome to the club.
Scott: I'm sorry; I'm not usually like this.
Ramona: Hey, don't worry. I don't even know what I'm like anymore.
Scott: I think this ex-boyfriends thing is messing with my head...
Scott: Why do you keep saying that? [gets kicked in the face from behind, slams into the bar counter and falls flat on the floor. He looks up at his attacker.][stands up, thinking]The girl from earlier?
Scott: You know this girl?
Roxy: Boy, does she know me.
Scott: [deeply confused] What is she talking about?
Roxy Richter: He really doesn't know?
Scott: [realisation dawning] Wait.
Roxy: Hmm.[smiles suggestively]
[Inside Scott's head, a lever switches from "NO CLUE" to "GETS IT"]
Scott: [to Ramona; shocked] You and her?!
Ramona: It was just a phase.
Roxy: [incensed] "Just a phase"?
Scott: You had a sexy phase?
Ramona: It meant nothing. I didn't think it would count.
Roxy: [angrily] "It meant nothing"?!
Ramona: I was just a little bi-curious.
Roxy: Well, honey... [cracks knuckles.] I'm a little bi-furious!
[Roxy performs a slow-mo spinning kick aimed at Scott, but is blocked by Ramona. A pink VS. sign appears between them and Ramona throws Roxy back.]
Ramona: Do that again, and I will end you!
Roxy: Back off, has-bian! If Gideon can't have you, no one can! [whips off her belt, which turns into a chain-sword.] The League has spoken!
Ramona: Well, then Gideon best get his pretentious ass up here, 'cause I'm about to kick yours out of the Great White North! [pulls a massive stone hammer out of her purse]
[While Ramona and Roxy fight Anime-style, Scott ducks over to Wallace]
Scott: This is happening, right?
Wallace: Oh, yeah. [yelling] Kick her in the balls!
[As they continue fighting, Roxy grabs Ramona's hammer with her chain sword]
Roxy: I'm sending you back to Gideon in a thousand pieces, you slag! [throws the hammer out of the window]Ha!
[Roxy turns around, Ramona axe-kicks her in the head and she falls to the floor.]
Ramona: I'd rather be dead than go back. He's a creep, you're a bitch, and you all deserve each other.
Roxy: Give it a rest, Ramona! This is a League game!
Roxy: [stands up] Meaning your precious Scott must defeat me with his own fists!
[Everyone looks at Scott expectantly]
Scott: [nervous] Uh, I don't think I can hit a girl. They're soft.
Ramona: You don't have a choice.
[Ramona grabs Scott and uses his arms and legs to fend off Roxy's attacks]
Roxy: Fight your own battles, lazy ass! [vanishes][after seven seconds, Roxy yells, "Lazy ass!" and re-materializes, forcing Scott and Ramona apart, and punches Scott into the rafters. He falls and lands in a pile on the ground.] Every Pilgrim reaches the end of his journey, some sooner than others. [raises her leg in an axe kick]Your BF's about to get F'd in the B![brings her leg down in slow-mo]
Ramona: [voice slowed down] Her weak point is the back of her knees.
Scott: [voice slowed down] Wait, how does that work?
Ramona: [voice slowed down] Whenever we were making out, I would just...
Scott: [voice slowed down]Okay, enough!
[Scott prods Roxy in the back of her knee. Roxy, overcome, collapses on the floor and writhes.]
Roxy: You'll never... be able to do this...to herrr!!!
[Roxy explodes into coins, thus earning Scott 4,000 points.]
[Scott confronts Gideon Graves, Ramona's last evil ex, at his nightclub lair, the Chaos Theatre.]
Gideon: You wanna fight me... for her?
Scott: [arch] Was that not clear? [to the members of Sex Bob-Omb] Was that not clear?
Sex Bob-Omb: [they shrug] I don't know.
Gideons: Now, why on Earth would you wanna do... that?
Scott: Because I'm in love with her.
[Scott gasps and falters back]
Narrator Voice: Scott earned the Power of Love.
[Scott sees a samurai sword emerge from his chest, grabs hold of the sword and pulls it out, leveling up.]
Gideon: Aw, I think this deserves a song. Kimberley!!
Kim: [unenthusiastically, subtly giving Gideon the finger] We are Sex Bob-Omb. We are here to make money and sell out and stuff. One-two-three-four!
[After being fatally stabbed in the heart and killed by Gideon, Scott uses a video game 1-UP to revive and re-enters the Chaos Theatre from the beginning.]
Scott: [to one of Gideon's goons] Your hair looks stupid. [goon gasps in shock and turns into coins, earning Scott Pilgrim 700 points.]
[two goons block the elevator]
Right Goon: Second password?
[Scott defeats both of them, earning 700 points each, and goes down the elevator.]
Comeau: [chatting to partygoers.] I mean, I saw it. It's just the comic book is better than the movie. Hello.
[Scott barges past him to the stage where Sex Bob-Omb, as before, notice Scott and stop playing]
Stephen: Scott! Let it go.
Scott: Don't worry, I know what I'm doing. Stephen, the new line-up rocks. You guys sound way better without me. Young Neil, you have learned well. From this point forward, you will be known as... Neil.
Neil: [pleasurably] Ohh.
Scott: And Kim... [Kim raises an eyebrow] I'm sorry about everything. I'm sorry about me.
[Kim, surprised, smiles at him for the first time]
Gideon: [from the other side of the club]Scott Pilgrim! Hey, buddy!
Scott: Save it! You're pretentious, this club sucks, I've got beef. Let's do it.
Gideon: Wait, wait, w-w-wait! You wanna fight me... for her?
Scott: No. I want to fight you for me.
[Scott falters back]
Narrator Voice: Scott earned the Power of Self-Respect.
[Scott pulls out the samurai sword from his chest, leveling up even higher.]
Gideon: [confused] Umm...
Kim: [extremely enthusiastically]WE ARE SEX BOB-OMB AND WE ARE HERE TO WATCH SCOTT PILGRIM KICK YOUR TEETH IN!!!! ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR!!!!
[Sex Bob-Omb starts playing a faster upbeat rock song]
[Obliterating all of the hipster henchmen faster than before, Scott rushes towards Gideon. They lunge at each other, Ninja-Gaiden-style with swords drawn, and Scott slashes Gideon across the shoulder, who tumbles to the ground upon impact, making him drop his gum from out of his mouth]
Scott: [landing] How's it going back there?
Gideon: You... dick! [slumps, earning Scott 7,000 points]
Scott: [calling] Knives? I know you're in here. Don't attack Ramona.
Knives: SCOTT!!![They turn just as Knives flying-kicks Ramona in the head, knocking her to the ground, and unknowingly breaks the chip on the back of her head] Steal my boyfriend, [twirls sai]taste my steel![Lunges to attack Ramona, but Scott blocks her]
Knives: No, Scott! [kicks Scott in the neck] This fat-ass hurt me, and I will have my revenge!
Scott: No, Knives, I hurt you. I cheated on you. [Scott turns to each of the girls. Ramona gets up.] I cheated on both of you. I'm really sorry. [turns to Ramona] And you're not a fat-ass. She didn't mean that. So, are we all good?
[The chip on the back of Ramona's neck fizzles]
Ramona: Never felt better.
Gideon: Yoo-hoo! [they all turn to Gideon, who is standing directly behind them] Are we done with the hugging and the learning? [puts a new piece of gum in his mouth] I thought we had a fight going on here!
Scott: Oh, you've got a fight, all right.
[Scott prepares himself]
Gideon: Wrong move, baby. [Gideon summons an 8-bit pixelated katana, and they begin to fight. Scott blocks Gideon's swings, and Scott falls to the floor. Gideon almost kills Scott with his pixelated katana, but Knives blocks and forces Gideon back, causing to swallow his gum. "2 Player Mode" appears.] You made me swallow my gum. [adjusts his glasses.] It's gonna be in my digestive tract for 7 YEARS![Scott and Knives fight Gideon, but Gideon kicks Knives off, and Gideon and Scott continue to fight; Scott slashes Gideon's cheek, earning 3,500 points, but Gideon breaks Scott's sword][to Ramona] Yeah. Still my girl.
[Ramona puts her arms around Gideon, and Scott looks up nearly heartbroken.]
Ramona: Let's both be girls.
[Ramona knees Gideon in the groin causing him to scream in pain. Knives steals the pixelated katana, and Gideon angrily slaps Ramona]
Announcer: Bad! [Ramona falls to the floor] Bad! [Gideon kicks Ramona down the stairs.] Bad!
[Scott and Knives watch in horror as Ramona falls down the stairs. Gideon turns around to see Scott and Knives staring at him angrily]
Gideon: [nonchalantly] What?
Announcer: Get ready! [Gideon's nonchalant smile disappears] Here we go! [Scott and Knives charge toward Gideon and beat him up.] Good! Good! Good! Combo! [Scott grabs Gideon by the tie, flips him upside-down, and Knives kicks him.] Perfect! [Gideon is flipped around and is gravely wounded, as he flashes and glitches angrily.]
Gideon: [voice distorted] Who do you think you are, Pilgrim? You think you're better than me? I'll tell you what you are. A pain in my ASS!! Do you know how long it took to get all the evil exes' contact information so I could form this stupid league? Like, two hours!TWO HOURS![coughs and hacks out coin] You're not cool enough for Ramona. You're zero. You're nothing!Me, I'm what's hip!I'm what's happening!I'm blowing up right now!
Scott: You are blowing up. RIGHT NOW!
[Scott drop-kicks Gideon in the head]
Narrator Voice: K.O.!
[Gideon turns into a shower of coins, earning Scott 7,000,000,000 points. Coins rain down in slow-mo]
Knives:[voice slowed down] Wow!
Scott:[voice slowed down] Yeah. Wow.
[Normal speed; Sex Bob-omb jump back as the mass of coins land on the stage]
Kim: [deadpan] There goes our deal.
Stephen: We're still getting paid, right?
Kim: There goes our deal.
Stephen: [panicked] Oh, God!
[Stephen scrambles to pick up the coins; Neil picks Gideon's gum up; Kim mimes shooting herself in the head and collapses on her drum kit as Neil puts the gum in his mouth]
Ramona: [gets up and sees Scott and Knives walking down the stairs] You two make a good combo.
Scott: [happily] Yeah?
Gideon's Voice: [whispering] Scott Pilgrim. [chuckles] You can defeat me, Scott. But can you defeat yourself?
[evil version of Scott Pilgrim appears]
Knives: Uh-oh. Nega Scott.
Announcer: Nega Scott.
[Knives and Ramona prepare to fight but Scott stops them.]
Scott: No. This is something I have to face. Myself. [tosses Gideon's glasses]
Announcer: Solo round!
Knives: Go get her.
Scott: [shocked] What?
Knives: You've been fighting for her all along.
Scott: But what about you?
Knives: I'll be fine. [chuckles and kisses Scott's cheek.] I'm too cool for you anyway.
Scott: [hesitantly]Ciao, Knives.
Knives: [encouragingly] Go.
[Scott follows Ramona]
Scott: [to Ramona] Hey! Hey. Mind if I tag along?
Ramona: You wanna come with me?
Scott: Yeah. I thought maybe we could try again.
[Scott takes Ramona's hand and they walk through a door with a star on it]
Video Game Announcer: Continue? 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.