I would like to voice my strong concern about this show's spiraling decline in ratings. David, ever since you took us to the Caribbean, it's been Jamaica homeless people sucking soup, and a big wave outside that cost a hundred thousand dollars. That's depressing and it's expensive, two words I hate. You know the words I like? I like the word "peppy" and the word "cheap". Peppy and cheap.
Celeste Talbert: I never said I was the best mother in the world. Give me a little credit, will you, credit for being someone who tried... to love you the only way she knew how?
Lori Craven: I know that speech.
Celeste Talbert: You do?
Lori Craven: Yeah, it was the, uh, the Thanksgiving show, when Maggie meets Bolt's blind nephew.
[Reading unrehearsed lines off the TelePrompTer]
Celeste Talbert: [as Maggie] Dr. Randall, what a surprise! Are you having lunch here?
Jeffrey Anderson: [as Dr. Randall] I will if it's that sample. Huh... I wish it was that simple.
Edmund Edwards: [offstage] This guy never heard of contact lenses?
Jeffrey Anderson: The test results have come back.
Celeste Talbert: And?
Jeffrey Anderson: And I'm afraid the results are very disturbing. It seems that Angelique has a rare case of brake fluid... [pause] Bran... fluid. Bran flavor.
Burton White: What the hell?
David Barnes: [offstage] Brain fever!
Edmund Edwards: [offstage, loudly] Say it!
Celeste Talbert: Brain fever!
Jeffrey Anderson: [as Dr. Randall] Yes. Brain fever. Or what we call in Austria... [they both goggle at the word]Kopfgeschlagen. At the current rate of inflation, her brain will laterally explore the...
Celeste Talbert: Literally explode?
Jeffrey Anderson: Exactly, within the next three houses.
Celeste Talbert: Hours?
Jeffrey Anderson: Yes, will literally explode within next three hours. I would suggest leaving the restraint.
Celeste Talbert: Restaurant?
Jeffrey Anderson: Restaurant, yes.
Celeste Talbert: Her brain will actually explode?
Jeffrey Anderson: Yes, yes, I've, um, seen it happen. It's a dreadful, dreadful thug. Thing.
[Jeffrey is about to prepare the brain transplant]
Lori Craven: MOTHER!
[Celeste sits up]
Lori Craven: No, I can't let you do this!
Burton White: [off stage] She spoke?
Jeffrey Anderson: She spoke!
Montana Moorehead: Sudden speech, the last stages of brain fever! She can blow up any moment!
Lori Craven: I can always speak! Mother...
Montana Moorehead: She's MY mother!
Celeste Talbert: MONTANA, SHUT UP!
Montana Moorehead: [as Lori, Celeste, And Jeffrey kiss and make up]WAIT! Wait! But I'm carrying his child!
Jeffrey Anderson: I didn't sleep with her! Will somebody please believe me!
[Ariel and Rose enter as doctors]
Jeffrey Anderson: Doctor!
Ariel Maloney: A second opinion...this is Dr. Frans Blau of the sex change clinic in Bethesda, Maryland.
Rose Schwartz: Thank you. Dr. Randall, after extensive investigations, I've come to the conclusion that it's virtually impossible for you to have impregnated your nurse - Montana Moorehead - because before she came to our little clinic, she was... Milton Moorehead of Syosset, Long Island. Hello!
[Rose opens the high school yearbook showing Montana's teenage boy photo]
Montana Moorehead: [shouts and runs off] NO! NO! NO!
Edmund Edwards: [offstage] She's a boy!
[long, incredulous pause]
David Barnes: Yeah, well we knew that. [starts gagging]
Edmund Edwards: Are you okay?
David Barnes: [weak voice] I'm fine. I'm just going to go congratulate the others.