- Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair.
- Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.
- I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
- If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
- Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined.
- The Hollywood tradition I like best is called 'sucking up to the stars'.
- A two-pound turkey and a fifty-pound cranberry - that's Thanksgiving dinner at Three-Mile Island.
- The difference between love and lust is that lust never costs over two hundred dollars.
- My success evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.
- I ran into my stockbroker the other day. I couldn't help it, he jumped in front of my car!
- "Mom this year I want "Claydough."
- Your chances of being struck by lightning go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky and yell, "Storms suck!"
- Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.
As "Carnac the Magnificent"
A running joke as Carnac the Magnificent was the reading of cryptic answers on slips of paper, before revealing the question that prompted them.
- "Billy Graham, Virginia Graham, and Lester Maddox" ... "Name two Grahams and a Cracker!"
- "Over 105 in Los Angeles" ... "Under the Reagan plan, how old do you have to be to collect Social Security?"
- "V-8" ... "What kind of social disease can you get from an octopus?"
- "Debate" ... "What do you use to catch de fish?"
- "Baja" ... "What sound does a sheep make when it laughs?"
- "Camelot" ... "Where do Arabians park their camels?"
- "Ben-Gay" ... "Why didn't Mrs. Franklin have any kids?"
- "20,000 Leagues Under The Sea" ... "How deep is Orson Welles' belly button?"
- "Mr. Coffee" ... "Name the father of Mrs. Olson's illegitimate baby."
- "Ghotbzadeh" ... "What do Iranian men do when their wives refuse them by night?"
- "S. I. Hayakawa!" ... "Describe the sound made by a man getting his zipper caught in a Waring blender."
- "Pass the hat" ... "What does a cannibal do after eating Minnie Pearl?"
- "Dippity-Do!" ... "What forms on your Dippity early in the morning?"
- "A loaf of bread, a jug of wine, and thou" ... "Name three things that have yeast."
- "Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah" ... "How do you tell Marcello Mastroianni his doo-dah is open?"
- "Three Dog Night" ... "What's a bad night for a tree?"
- "McIntosh, Dolly Parton, and the Ford Pinto" ... "Name an apple, a pear (play on "pair" of breasts) and a lemon!"
- "Goodyear, Tuck, and Andrei Gromyko" ... "Name a tire, a friar and a liar!"
- "Sis boom bah" ... "Describe the sound made when a sheep explodes."
- "Senta Berger" ... "I ordered a corned beef on rye from the NBC commissary, and guess what they did!"
- "Walla Walla" ..."Hey......Tony (Italian accent) What kind uva carpets you got atta you houseah?"
- "Inky dinky doo" ... "What do sanitation workers have to sweep up after a parade of Inky dinkies?"
- "Black Beauty" ... "What do you call a polar bear walking next to the Alaskan Pipeline?"
- "The Seven Wonders Of The World" ... "Describe three-and-a-half Dallas Cowgirls."
- "Bjorn Borg" ... "Describe the sound made when two fat people get romantic."
- "Twelve Drummers Drumming, Eleven Pipers Piping, Ten Lords A-Leaping, Nine Ladies Dancing, Eight Maids A-Milking, Seven Swans A-Swimming, Six Geese A-Laying, Five Gold Rings, Four Calling Birds, Three French Hens, Two Turtle Doves and a Partridge in a Pear Tree" ... "Who is going to be appearing on the Donny and Marie show this week?"
- "Ivory Snow" ... "What do hip elephants sniff up their trunks?"
- "Fleetwood Mac" ... "What do you call a hamburger made out of old Cadillacs?"