- I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
- I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.
- If you're going to stop masturbating, you can't 'taper off'. You've got to quit, cold jerky!
- The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to dress up for it
- If God had intended for us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.
- Masturbation: Shaking hands with the unemployed.
- Physics is to mathematics as sex is to masturbation
- The only thing about masturbation to be ashamed of is doing it badly.
- Intercourse with a woman is sometimes a satisfactory substitute for masturbation. But it takes a lot of imagination to make it work.
- Sophisticated persons masturbate without compunction. They do it for reasons of health, privacy, thrift and because of the remarkable perfection of invisible partners.
- We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.
- If you're going to gamble your lives sexually, don't play a lone hand too much.
- Masturbation is just like procrastination, it's fun at first, but in the end you're just screwing yourself.
- Marriage is like a game of bridge: if you don't have a good partner you'd better have a good hand.