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  • I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
  • I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.
  • If you're going to stop masturbating, you can't 'taper off'. You've got to quit, cold jerky!
  • The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to dress up for it
  • If God had intended for us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.
  • The only thing about masturbation to be ashamed of is doing it badly.
  • Intercourse with a woman is sometimes a satisfactory substitute for masturbation. But it takes a lot of imagination to make it work.
  • Sophisticated persons masturbate without compunction. They do it for reasons of health, privacy, thrift and because of the remarkable perfection of invisible partners.
  • We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.
  • If you're going to gamble your lives sexually, don't play a lone hand too much.
  • Masturbation is just like procrastination, it's fun at first, but in the end you're just screwing yourself.
  • Marriage is like a game of bridge: if you don't have a good partner you'd better have a good hand.
    • Mae West