- I would masturbate in a red speedo.
- Gillian Anderson, when asked what would she do if she and David Duchovny switched bodies for a week. Reddit "Gillian Anderson here. I've brought David Duchovny with me. Ask us anything, we'll answer almost everything." (October 12, 2013)
- If God had intended us not to masturbate, he would've made our arms shorter.
- George Carlin, quoted in Strean Jokes: Their Purpose and Meaning (1993), p. 72.
- When scolded for masturbating in public, he said "I wish it were as easy to banish hunger by rubbing my belly."
- We know that more than seventy to eighty percent of women masturbate, and ninety percent of men masturbate, and the rest lie.
- Masturbation is the thinking man's television.
- Christopher Hampton Jonathan, in The Philanthropist (1969)
- You're gonna be pleasing each other, and if he already knows what pleases him, and he's gonna please himself, then why am I in the picture?
- Christine O'Donnell, "IX: The Safest Sex of All", Sex in the 90s (MTV), 1996
- In this room, right now, each of you, in your own lives, has agonized over the fact that you have masturbated. Masturbation isn't sinful. If it feels good — do it. You have my blessing, and you yourself know how it relaxes you.
- I didn't get to masturbate this morning, and I've been dying to, so I've gotta go.
- This is a strange -- and rather alarming -- realisation. For it clearly implies that masturbation is one of our highest faculties that human beings have developed. Many animals masturbate -- but never without the presence of another animal, or some similar stimulus. A human being can masturbate in an empty room: a triumph of pure imagination.
- Colin Wilson in The Misfits , p. 90.