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Quotes regarding masturbation, the act of sexual stimulation of one's self.


  • If God had intended us not to masturbate, he would've made our arms shorter.
    • George Carlin, quoted in Strean Jokes: Their Purpose and Meaning (1993), p. 72.
  • When scolded for masturbating in public, he said "I wish it were as easy to banish hunger by rubbing my belly."
    • Diogenes Laërtius, vi. 46, 69, quoting Diogenes of Sinope
    • Variant: If only it were as easy to banish hunger by rubbing the belly as it is to masturbate.
      • As quoted in Encarta Book of Quotations (2000) edited by Bill Swainson, p. 274
  • Masturbation is the thinking man's television.
  • You're gonna be pleasing each other, and if he already knows what pleases him, and he's gonna please himself, then why am I in the picture?
  • In this room, right now, each of you, in your own lives, has agonized over the fact that you have masturbated. Masturbation isn't sinful. If it feels good — do it. You have my blessing, and you yourself know how it relaxes you.
  • I didn't get to masturbate this morning, and I've been dying to, so I've gotta go.
  • This is a strange -- and rather alarming -- realisation. For it clearly implies that masturbation is one of our highest faculties that human beings have developed. Many animals masturbate -- but never without the presence of another animal, or some similar stimulus. A human being can masturbate in an empty room: a triumph of pure imagination.

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