Talk:Nipsey Russell

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Help a man when he is in trouble;

Help him and never complain

For surely that man will remember you!

...When he is in trouble again.

I'm here to set the record straight

about sex appeal and a woman's weight.

It's nice to be neat and look petite,

but if you wanna feel some heat, you've got to have some meat!

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife

His oxen thou shalt not slaughter.

but thank the lord is no sin,

to covet thy neighbor's daughter!

It was a horrible nightmare, a terrible dream

That kept me up all through the night.

six women were fighting to make love to me,

And the ugly one kept winning the fight!

When my girl told me I was a model lover

I was so happy that I could sing.

But I looked it up and found that a model,

Is just a smaller version of the actual thing!

Will sex still be great when I'm 98?

It might be, but I won't participate!

George Washington threw a silver dollar

Across the river one day;

And ever since then, politicians in Washington

Been throwin' our money away!

One bright day in the middle of night

two dead boys got up to fight

back to back they faced each other,

drew their swords and shot each other.

A deaf policeman heard the noise

came and shot the two dead boys

If you don't believe my rhyme is true,

ask the blind man, he saw it too!

During one unidentified episode of Let's Make a Deal, on which Russell played for a home audience member:

They say money can't buy happiness

but I'll tell you how I feel.

What money does buy, I seldom use.

So, heck, let's make a deal!

When sounds are heard around the house

of little kids and their toys,

we know children were sent from heaven

'cause the Lord couldn't stand that noise.

Nipsey Russell on word meanings during an unidentified episode of Password Plus (also used during a posthumous tribute on CNN):

The opposite of pro is con

That fact is clearly seen

If progress means move forward

Then what does Congress mean?

Nipsey Russell on aging:

Each day we turn another page

You know you're reaching middle age

When your pimples and your rashes

Turn to wrinkles and hot flashes.

Nipsey Russell on baby care:

Don't put the baby on a waterbed;

It could be very grim."

You don't know if he's wetting the bed,

Or the bed is wetting him.

On an episode of Super Password:

I just saw a movie about a mermaid.

Did I like it? I don't know why!

There's not enough woman to make love to,

and too much fish to fry!

From an episode of Match Game '74:

In this terrible recession;

When our businesses will not thrive;

Give us our social security now;

And we'll work at 65!

From an episode of Match Game '75:

The young people are very different today;

And there's one sure way to know;

Kids used to ask where they came from;

Now they'll tell you where you can go.

From an episode of Match Game '76:

I'm a bachelor and will not marry

till the right woman comes along.

But while I'm waiting, I don't mind dating

Girls I know are wrong!

From a special "TV Hosts" episode of Family Feud on which Russell played:

Playing Family Feud today

Are talented women and men;

Lost their jobs giving money away,

So now they're trying to win.

Each day we turn another page

You know you're reaching middle age

When your pimples and your rashes

Turn to wrinkles and hot flashes!

From the unsold pilot of Star Words:

50% of married women cheat on their husbands

That's what the researcher claims.

Percentages don't mean a thing to me,

What I need to know are some names!

From the unsold pilot of Jackpot:

They recently made a movie about a mermaid

Can't understand the reason why.

Not enough woman to make love too,

And too much fish to fry!

From the premiere of Your Number's Up:

If you owe too much on American Express

And your Diner's Club notes are too hard,

Take a loan on your Visa and pay it off with your Mastercard!

From an appearance on The Amazing World of Kreskin:

Go to college, see it through

if they can make penicillin out of moldy cheese

they can make something out of you!

Spring has sprung,

Fall has fell

Now winter's come

and it's colder than usual.

The following are from two consecutive episodes of The $25,000 Pyramid:

Eve told Adam to eat the apple,

And from that day we knew:

Listen to a woman and you bite off

more than you can chew!

I used to wish for 100 wives

Like the harem that I once saw,

But I gave it up once I realized

I'd have 100 mothers-in-law!

Nipsey Russell on a dress worn by Connie Van Dyke on an episode of the game show You Don't Say!:

Some of these dresses that Connie's been wearing

Has caused me to wonder in doubt.

Is she outside trying to get in

Or inside trying to get out?

From another episode of The $100,000 Pyramid

If you make sweet love with a school teacher

You'll have a sensational night.

She'll make you do it and do it and do it again,

Until you get it right.

I got a new girlfriend,

No guy could ask for more.

She’s deaf, dumb, oversexed, And owns a liquor store!

If you don't tell me who sprung the leak, y'all goin' to be expelled for at least a week.

When times are rough and things are tough,

Live by the Golden Rule Plan:

Do unto others 'fore they do it to you

And then run as fast as you can.

What is the secret of eternal youth?

The answer is easily told;

All you gotta do if you wanna look young

Is hang out with people who are old.

If they don't walk and talk by two;

You worry, you fret and you frown.

But after that it is all you can do;

To get them to shut up and sit down.

Nipsey roasting Don Rickles on a different Dean Martin Celebrity Roast:

Blow the trumpet of brotherhood

And beat on freedom's drum,

But Don, don't you sing with my people

Or we shall not overcome!

Nipsey roasting Lucille Ball:

Those who think women are the weaker sex

Can't see the trees from the woods

For although everyone knows it's the rooster that crows,

It's the hen who delivers the goods.

Nipsey on aging:

Each day we turn another page.

You know you're reaching middle age

When your pimples and your rashes

Turn to wrinkles and hot flashes.

Nipsey on a Family Feud special speaking of the 10 hosts (including himself) playing the game:

Playing Family Feud today

Are some talented women and men.

Lost their jobs giving money away,

So now, they're trying to win

Nipsey on word meanings:

The opposite of pro is con.

That fact is clearly seen.

If progress means moving forward,

Then what does Congress mean?

Nipsey on politicians:

George Washington threw a silver dollar

Across the Potomac one day,

And ever since then, politicians in Washington

Been throwing our money away.

Nipsey on youth:

What is the secret of eternal youth?

The answer is easily told;

All you gotta do if you wanna look young

Is hang out with people who are old.

If you ever go out with a schoolteacher,

You're in for a sensational night;

She'll make you do it over and over again

Until you do it right.

The young people are very different today;

And there's one sure way to know;

Kids used to ask where they came from;

Now they'll tell you where you can go!

Nipsey commenting on a dress worn by Connie Van Dyke while appearing on an episode of the game show You Don't Say!:

Some of these dresses that Connie's been wearing

Have caused me to wonder in doubt.

Is she outside trying to get in

Or inside trying to get out?

Nipsey on bachelorhood:

I am a bachelor and I will not marry

Until the right girl comes along.

But while I'm waiting, I don't mind dating

Girls that I know are wrong!