- When you see the hand writing on the wall, you're in the toilet.
- What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? A pickpocket snatches watches.
- I feel sorry for people who don’t drink or do drugs. Because someday they’re going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won’t know why.
- Variant: Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
As Fred G. Sanford
- Lamont, when I die, it's not gonna be "Sanford and Son" no more; it's gonna be Nobody and Son.
- This is the big one! You hear that, Elizabeth? I'm coming to join ya, honey!
- My Elizabeth was as pure as the driven snow; and I am the only driver she ever had!
- The name's Sanford. That's S-A-N-F-O-R-D, period.
- I'm callin' you ugly, I could stick yo face in some dough and make some gorilla cookies.
- How about I give you five across yo' lips?
- Esther, you wouldn't want a drink, because you are a drink — a ZOMBIE!
- I'm going to get my bud-nipper and start nipping some bud!
- I tell you what I could use, new color TV.
- I'm gonna put five of these where you sneeze.
- Esther, warn me before you come in so I have a chance to cover all of the mirrors!