Team Fortress 2

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Team Fortress 2 is the sequel to Team Fortress Classic, developed and produced by Valve. TFC in turn was derived from the Team Fortress mod for id Software's Quake. It was released in Fall 2007 for consoles via The Orange Box and PC on Steam.

Meet The Team[edit]

The quotes below are from the game's promotional trailers.

Meet The Heavy[edit]

Heavy: [moving towards a cardboard box with Sasha in his hand and puts it on the cardboard box and sits down] I am Heavy Weapons guy... And this is my weapon.
Heavy: [points at Sasha] She weights 150 kilograms and fires $200 custom tooled cartridges at 10 thousand rounds per minute
Heavy: [gets serious] It cost 400 thousand dollars to fire this weapon, for twelve seconds!
Heavy: "[cut to Heavy who's heavily laughing]"
Heavy: [inspecting Sasha] Oh my god, who touched Sasha? Alright... Who touched my gun!?
Heavy: [looking somewhat sad] Some people think they can outsmart me. Maybe…[sniffs] maybe. [gets serious] I've yet to meet one that can outsmart bullet.
Heavy: [screaming while firing Sasha, later laughing maniacally] Cry some more! [sudden cut to black] Heh... cry some more.

Meet The Soldier[edit]

[Cut to the BLU Pyro using his Flamethrower, laughing and he screams. Then, a rocket kills the BLU Pyro, a second rocket kills the BLU Demoman and a third rocket kills the BLU Heavy.] [Like a hardened drill sergeant, Mister Jane Doe, a RED Soldier addresses what appears to be a group of BLU soldiers. It is later revealed that they are the mutilated heads of members of the opposing team.]

  • Soldier: "If fighting is sure to result in victory then you must fight! Sun Tzu said that, and I'd say he knows a little more about fighting then you do, pal, because he invented it! And then he perfected it, so that no living person could best him in the ring of honor!

[ The RED Soldier is seen screaming loudly and he runs up after the BLU Demoman appears running and he shoots him. Suddenly, the BLU Medic appears waiting as RED Soldier kills the BLU Medic. The RED Heavy meets him.]

  • Soldier: Then he used his fight money to buy two of every animal on Earth [removes grenades from bandolier to illustrate "two"]. And then he herded them onto a boat, and beat the crap out of every single one![bashes the two grenades together]

[RED Soldier run toward a large pipe some of his team mates are hiding under, one of them being scout, telling the soldier "There's a sentry up there!" The RED Soldier then runs past them, shooting a rocket at the BLU Engineer, destroying both him and his sentry gun. Immediately after, he rocket jumps ontop of the pipe, runs across it, and launches a rocket at the BLU Heavy and BLU Pyro standing on the capture point, killing them. He then jumps onto the point and drops his rocket launcher, where the BLU Spy uncloaks behind him, but the RED Soldier brings out his Shovel, knocking the BLU Spy out.]

  • Soldier: [Laughs to himself] And from that day forward, any time a bunch of animals are together in one place, it's called a zoo! Unless it's a farm!

Meet The Demoman[edit]

[This interview is conducted in Tavish DeGroot's armory. It is accompanied by a cinematic of Tavish engaging a superior enemy force with particular guile.]

  • Demoman: What makes me a good demoman? If I were an bad demoman, I wouldn't be sitting here, discussing it with you, now would I?!
  • Demoman: (a few RED Team members running in the background) Let's do it! (jumps out, and being shot with constant rockets seeming that there are a lot of soldiers) Not one of ya's gonna survive this!
  • Demoman: One crossed wire, one stray pinch of potassium chloride, one errant twitch... and Kablooie!

(The RED Demoman then begins to take a long drink from his bottle as scenes show him killing the BLU Pyro from behind and him destroying a Level 3 Sentry with the RED Scout dying next to him)

  • Demoman: [After drinking a copious amount of scrumpy] n' I got a monkey eye. I'm a black, Scottish cyclops! They've got more fecking sea monsters in the great Lochett Ness than they've got the likes o' me!
    • It is later revealed that the censored part mentioned the Loch Ness Monster, with RED Demoman darkly and humorously announcing that there are apparently more Nessies than people with his features in Scotland. [1]
  • Demoman: [This part of the interview periodically cuts to a cinematic of the RED Demoman setting a trap for a large group of foes] So! [Saa, Ike! Ninninger begins to play in the background] ....T'all you fine dandies so proud, so cock-sure, prancin' aboot with your heads full of eyeballs! Come and get me I say! I'll be waiting on ya with a whiff of the 'ol brimstone. I'm a grim bloody fable, with an unhappy bloody end! [RED Demoman sets off the trap, and the BLU players that were following him are blown to pieces. The RED Demoman walks over, laughing, and bends down to stare at the remains of his foes while several parts of the exploded corpses are raining from the sky.] Oh, they're going to have to glue you back together... IN HELL!

Meet the Engineer[edit]

[The RED Engineer, Dell Conagher, passes the time relaxing and playing acoustic guitar. As he explains his role, the sentry guns surrounding him target and kill various hostiles and a few bullets hit the pickup truck behind him.]

  • Engineer: Hey, look, buddy. I'm an engineer. That means I solve problems. Not problems like "What is beauty?", because that would fall within the purview of your conundrums of philosophy. I solve practical problems.
  • [pauses playing to drink from a bottle of beer]
  • Engineer: For instance, how am I gonna stop some big mean Mother Hubbard from tearing me a structurally superfluous new behind? The answer: use a gun. And if that don't work?
  • [a salvo of rockets launches over his head]
  • Engineer: Use more gun.
  • [rockets explode; scream; the BLU Sniper's hand lands at the RED Engineer's feet]
  • BLU Scout: (offscreen) My arm!
  • Engineer: Like this heavy-caliber tripod-mounted little ol' number designed by me... [kicks the Scout's hand away; gun tracks and shoots it in midair] ...built by me, and you best hope... [pauses playing; deadly serious] ...not pointed at you.

Meet The Sniper[edit]

[Mr. Mundy drives his camper van in a remote outback. Interspersed are scenes of him on the telephone to his father, and other scenes of him at work.]

  • Sniper: [looking at one bobblehead of Team Fortress Classic Civilian, RED Sniper flicks it] Boom, Headshot.
  • (Title card shows up, a remix of the Magnum Force theme starts up.)
  • Sniper: Sniping's a good job, mate! It's challenging work, out-of-doors... I guarantee you'll not go hungry, 'cause at the end of the day, as long as there's two people left on the planet, someone is gonna want someone dead.

[ The BLU Heavy (who was pointed out as a target) is seen shooting, but the RED Sniper makes a headshot on him. The bullet travels through the heavy's head and shatters the bottle the BLU Demoman is holding; the glass gets in his eye and he screams. He then uses his Grenade Launcher. After that, the grenades roll next to the BLU Demoman as he falls down; then the RED Sniper then hears and sees a huge explosion.]

  • Sniper: [on the phone] Dad? Dad I'm- … y- … Not a crazed gunman, Dad, I'm an assassin! Well, the difference being one is a job, and the other's mental sickness! [to audience] I'll be honest with you— my parents... do not care for it.
  • Sniper: [in a tower, looking through scope] I think his mate saw me... [bullets ricochet near RED Sniper, he then ducks] Yes, yes he did! [RED Sniper drinks a coffee and takes a shot; he kills BLU Spy (with his kukri), who falls down off-screen. Cut to the RED Sniper again. He shoots the BLU Medic, BLU Soldier and BLU Pyro, and then shoots the screen.]
  • Sniper: Feelings?! Look, mate, you know who has a lot of feelings? Blokes what bludgeon their wife to death with a golf trophy. Professionals have standards: Be polite. Be efficient. Have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
  • Sniper: Dad, dad... put- [sighs] put mum on the phone!

Meet the Scout[edit]

[Faster Than a Speeding Bullet begins to play as the warehouse doors in Well rise, revealing the RED Scout crouching and other members of the RED Team.]

[The RED Scout watches various BLU Team members stationed around center point: The BLU Engineer industriously making defensive preparations, the BLU Spy, and the BLU Soldier juggling rockets.]

[RED Scout loads his scattergun and the RED team runs out to attack center point.]

[The RED Scout charges into a fierce battle on Well, quickly outpacing all his teammates. He runs towards the center of the map dodging everything that BLU throws at him, then outruns and crosses a passing train as it crushes the BLU Soldier and BLU Pyro.]

[RED Scout walks in front of the Meet the Scout logo, from off frame.]

  • Scout: "Um... I don't even know where to start with you. I mean, do you even know who you're talkin' to?

[BLU Heavy, sitting near the third Control Point in Granary about to take one bite of one Sandvich, when he is poked in the head by the RED Scout's bat.]

  • Scout: "Yo, what's up?"
  • Scout: D-Do you have any idea, any idea who I am?"

[Back to BLU Heavy and RED Scout, who are in a fistfight and yelling.]

  • Scout: "Basically - kind of a big deal."

[Back to fight. RED Scout is strangling BLU Heavy with his bat.]

  • Scout: [Flexes one less-than impressive bicep] "Oh man, that's beautiful. Heh!"

[Cut back to fight, BLU Heavy now has the RED Scout in one headlock. Cuts back to RED Scout.]

  • Scout: " Ya' listenin'? OK. Grass grows, birds fly, sun shines, and brother-- [pokes the screen] I hurt people."

[Cut back to fight, The RED Scout punches the BLU Heavy.]

  • Heavy: "HIYAA!"
  • Scout: "I'm a force-a-nature!"

[RED Scout knocks the BLU Heavy in the chin.]

  • Scout: BONK!"

Scout: "If you were from where I was from, you'd be f**kin' dead!" [Cuts back to fight; BLU Heavy is collapsed on the ground trying to reach for his Sandvich; the RED Scout runs up the side of a shipping container, jumps off and slams his bat into the BLU Heavy's head.]

  • Scout: "WOOO!"

[RED Scout sits on the twitching body of the BLU Heavy eating the BLU Heavy's Sandvich; the point is now RED's.]

Meet the Sandvich[edit]

[Heard from inside the BLU refrigerator, the RED Heavy is groaning while he is pursued by the BLU Soldier and the BLU Scout as he runs to the refrigerator.]

  • Scout: Yeah, there he is!
  • Soldier: You! Stop right where you are! That is an order! [to BLU Scout] He's getting away! Do not let him get to the refri- [to RED Heavy, who has gotten to the refrigerator, opens it, and takes out a Sandvich]
  • Scout: Whao, don't do it, pal!
  • Soldier: Do not do it!

[RED Heavy starts to eat the Sandvich]

  • Soldier: [simultaneously as the BLU Scout starts talking] … Oh, hell
  • Scout: H-h-hey, let's just calm down here! You listening? J-j-just... OH GOD! OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GO- [thud, RED Heavy laughing]
  • Scout: My blood! He—he punched out all my blood!
  • Soldier: You call that breaking my spine? You RED team ladies wouldn't know how to break a spine if i— [crack] AUGHH! MY SPINE!

Loud scream can be heard and the video ends with the Ending Flourish, but then shows the RED Heavy on the same hill in Meet the Heavy, eating a Sandvich.

Meet the Spy[edit]

[An alarm panel is shown, with various sections lighting up as the Administrator speaks.]

  • Administrator: Intruder Alert! Red Spy is in the base!
    BLU Soldier: A RED Spy is in the base?! [grabs a shotgun and rushes downstairs] Hut-hut-hut-hut-hut! We need to protect the briefcase!
    BLU Scout: [trying to open the briefcase room door] Yo, a little help here?!
    BLU Soldier: Stand back, son! [punches numbers into the door lock] Uhm.. 1-1-1 uhm... 1!
    BLU Scout: Let's go, let's go!
    BLU Heavy: [charges around a corner and towards the door] INCOMING! [breaks through the door, among with BLU Scout and BLU Soldier]
    All: [yelling]
    BLU Scout: Hey, it's still here!
    BLU Heavy: All right then
  • BLU Spy: [arrives, carrying a dead BLU Sniper's body with the RED Spy's knife in his back] Gentlemen... I see the briefcase is safe?
    BLU Soldier: Safe and sound.
    BLU Scout: Yeah, it is!
    BLU Spy: Tell me, did anyone happen to kill a RED Spy on the way here? No? Then we still have a problem. [drops BLU Sniper's body on the table]
    BLU Soldier: And a knife.
  • BLU Scout: Ooh-hoo-hoo, big problem! [plays with RED Spy's Balisong] I've killed plenty of spies. They're dime-a-dozen back-stabbin' scumbags, like you! [flips knife, cuts himself] Ow! No offense.
    BLU Spy: [casually closes knife with impressive skill, handing it back to the BLU Scout] If you managed to kill them, I assure you they were not like me. And nothing - nothing! - like the man loose inside this building!
    BLU Scout: What are you, president of his fan club? [BLU Soldier chuckles]
    BLU Spy: No... that would be your mother! [reveals several incriminating photos of the RED Spy embracing/making love to one middle-aged woman, presumably the BLU Scout's mother]
    BLU Scout: What the--? [stammering; shocked]
    BLU Spy: Indeed. And now he's here to f**k us! So listen up, boy, or pornography starring your mother will be the second worst thing that happens to you today. [BLU Scout shakes his fist at BLU Spy, while BLU Heavy shows BLU Soldier one particular photo with a smirk]
    BLU Soldier: Oh! [leers at the photo]
    BLU Scout: Gimme that! [Snatches the pictures from them in anger]
  • BLU Spy: [lights a cigarette from his case] This Spy has already breached our defenses.
    The RED Spy is shown running through the BLU base, approaching the BLU Engineer and his BLU Sentry Gun. The RED Spy saps the Sentry Gun.
    BLU Engineer: Sentry down! [throws down wrench and attempts to draw his pistol. The BLU Engineer is not fast enough, and is headshotted by the RED Spy. The BLU Engineer, now dead, falls through the door, and the RED Spy leans out and shoots his revolver at an off-screen target.]
  • BLU Spy: You see what he's done to our colleagues. [gestures at the BLU Sniper's body]
    The RED Spy is shown sneaking up on the BLU Sniper. The floorboard creaks and the BLU Sniper notices the RED Spy. The BLU Sniper turns around, but the RED Spy is able to kick him back into the window he was aiming out of. The boards covering the window break, and the BLU Sniper fumbles for his Kukri. He grabs the blade and takes several swings at the RED Spy. All of a sudden, all are dodged and the RED Spy slices the BLU Sniper's cheek. The BLU Sniper swings once more, when he gets blocked and backstabbed. The BLU Sniper, now dead, falls off-screen over a railing, and the RED Spy brushes off his suit.
  • BLU Spy: And worst of all, he could be any one of us!
    The RED Spy is shown, battling the BLU Medic.
    BLU Medic: Raus, raus! [swings at the RED Spy with his Bonesaw]
    RED Spy: [effortlessly blocks the attack, breaking the BLU Medic's arm as he does. His body shimmers, and he takes on the fake BLU Medic.].
    BLU Medic: Nein...
    RED Spy: [strikes the real BLU Medic in the neck, killing him. The real BLU Medic's glasses fly into the air, and the fake BLU Medic catches them to complete his disguise.]
  • BLU Spy: He could be in this very room! He could be you! He could be me! He could even b– [his head is blown off by BLU Soldier's Shotgun]
    BLU Scout: Whoa, whoa, whoa!
    BLU Heavy: Augh!
    BLU Soldier: What? It was obvious! [He pumps his Shotgun, ejecting the spent shell] He's the RED Spy! Watch, he'll turn red any second now. [taps BLU Spy's foot with the barrel of his gun] Any second now... See? Red! No, wait, that's blood.
    BLU Heavy: So, we still got problem.
    [BLU Scout behind them opens the Balisong with spy-like skill, and transforms into the RED Spy]
    BLU Soldier: Big problem. Alright, who's ready to go find this Spy?
    RED Spy: Right behind you.

[The RED Spy backstabs the BLU Soldier and the BLU Heavy to the beat of the Meet the Team ending flourish.]

  • RED Spy: [with BLU intelligence in tow, picks up a photo of BLU Scout's mother and smiles fondly] Ah, ma petite chou-fleur.

[The RED Spy walks off-screen.]

Meet the Medic[edit]

[A peaceful nature scene is interrupted by a explosion, and the RED Scout and RED Demoman are fleeing, both bandaged and the latter in a wheelchair.]

  • RED Scout: (To RED Demoman) Move cyclops, move! Come on, come on almost--!

[A red and white-striped rocket knocks the RED Scout to the ground, he tries to get up but sees more rockets coming at him.]

  • RED Scout: Whoa, what the Fu--?!

[The rockets impact the ground near the RED Scout, hurling him screaming into the air. He strikes a window, leaving cracks radiating out from his head's impact point.]

  • RED Scout: Medic...

[The RED Scout's body slides off the window as the camera zooms out to reveal an operating room, with a number of doves perched here and there. The RED Heavy lays on the operating table, fully conscious with his chest wide open. A ceiling-mounted medigun is shown to be keeping him alive. The RED Medic, holding the RED Heavy's heart, shares a chucklesome medical anecdote with him.]

  • RED Heavy: Oh ho ho! No more, haa haa ha ha ha!
  • RED Medic: Vait, vait, it gets better! Vhen ze patient voke up, his skeleton vas missing, and ze doctor vas never heard from again!

[The RED Medic bursts out laughing, shortly followed by the RED Heavy.]

  • RED Medic: [calming down] Anyvay... Zat's how I lost my medical licence. Heh!

[RED Heavy suddenly looks very worried. A white dove, presumably Archimedes, pops out of the RED Heavy's stomach, startling both the RED Medic and his patient.]

  • RED Medic: Archimedes! No! [waves Archimedes away] It's filthy in zhere, ugh! [notices RED Heavy glaring at him incredulously.] Birds! [chuckles]

[The RED Medic grabs a device with the words "Über" on it from the table and turns back to RED Heavy.]

  • RED Medic: Now, most hearts couldn't vithstand zhis voltage. [stabs RED Heavy's heart on the über-device and grabs the ceiling-mounted medigun] But I'm fairly certain your heart--

[The RED Medic is interrupted as the RED Heavy's heart explodes in the medigun's beam, a stray fragment knocking Archimedes from his perch.]

  • RED Heavy: [looking away] What was noise?
  • RED Medic: Zhe sound of progress, my friend!

[The RED Medic opens a refrigerator containing a sandvich, bottles of beer, and three hearts in labeled petri dishes.]

  • RED Medic: Ah... perfect. [The RED Medic takes a large "mega baboon" heart, revealing the severed head of the BLU Spy behind this.]
  • BLU Spy's head: Kill me.
  • RED Medic: Later. (closes fridge) Vhere vas I? Ah, zere ve go... [The RED Medic attaches the Über device to the new heart and holds it in the medigun's beam, where it starts beating.] Come on, come on!

[The RED Medic starts laughing maniacally as the heart begins to glow brightly. The RED Heavy laughs nervously, edging away from the RED Medic a little. The RED Medic squints against the glow, until eventually looking at the heart once more, which is now a reflective red color.]

  • RED Medic: Oh, zhat looks good. (drops it in the Heavy's open body) Very nice zhere.
  • RED Heavy: Should I be awake for this?
  • RED Medic: Ah-heh, vell, no. [adjusts his glasses] But as long as you are, could you hold your ribcage open a bit? [The RED Heavy obliges, and the Medic starts pushing the heart up into his chest] I can't... seem--

[The RED Heavy yells in pain as blood spurts from his chest, before looking at his hand to see a broken-off rib.]

  • RED Medic: Oh, don't be such a baby. [pinches the RED Heavy's cheek patronizingly as he takes the rib away from him] Ribs grow back! [turns to the medigun, tossing the rib over his shoulder. He whispers to Archimedes:] No, zhey don't.

[The RED Medic pulls the medigun right up to the RED Heavy's chest, cranking it up to full power. As the hole in his chest seals itself up (clothes and all), the RED Heavy grins.]

  • RED Heavy: (takes a deep breath) What happens now?
  • RED Medic: Now? (chuckles as he helps the RED Heavy up) Let's go practice medicine.

[The RED Medic puts on his lab coat, gloves and medigun. A metal door opens as the RED Medic steps out, bathed in light and with doves flying around him. The RED Heavy runs ahead of him. The RED Medic surveys the battlefield as the RED Demoman frantically rides his wheelchair towards him.]

  • RED Demoman: Medic! [Rockets from the enemy send the RED Demoman out of his wheelchair and head first into the ground.]

[The RED Medic adjusts his glasses, turns on the medigun and heals the RED Demoman. The RED Demoman nods gratefully and heads back to the battlefield. The RED Medic also heals the RED Scout.]

  • RED Scout: Yeah! (jumps to his feet, grabs his baseball bat and runs off) Woo-hoo-hoo!

[The RED Heavy takes cover behind a truck as the RED Scout knocks out the BLU Soldier with his bat.]

  • RED Scout: Oh yeah!

[The RED Heavy looks around the truck to see a horde of BLU Soldiers coming their way.]

  • RED Heavy: Doctor! Are you sure this will work?
  • RED Medic: Ha ha, I have no idea!

[The RED Medic flips a switch on his medigun. A button reading "Übercharge Ready" lights up. The RED Heavy breaks cover and yells out as the medigun's beam strikes him. A brief internal shot of his augmented heart shows it beating faster and faster, as the RED Heavy turns red with the same glow as his heart, and and his eyes glow yellow.]

  • RED Heavy: [advancing, minigun firing, with the RED Medic bringing up the rear. One rocket explodes against him, and he strides unscathed and lauhging out of the dust cloud.] I am bulletproof!!

[The RED Engineer and RED Sniper watch in amazement as the RED Übered Heavy shrugs off the incoming rockets as one by one, all the BLU soldiers falling to his minigun's fire. The BLU Soldiers' corpses form a large pile which the RED Medic and RED Heavy stride triumphantly to the top of.]

[Ending flourish]

[Cut to a waiting room, where the rest of the RED team is waiting, the RED Engineer idly strumming his guitar as the RED Pyro attempts to set a magazine on fire with a cigarette lighter.]

  • RED Medic: Zat looks good, very nice zere, yes!
  • RED Scout: Hey, thanks Doc! [throws open the operating theatre door and strides out to the team] Ahawhawman! You would not much this hurts!

[The RED Scout's chest bulges as a white dove's cooing is heard from inside. The RED Scout looks down at his chest in shock.]

  • RED Medic: Archimedes?

[Screen cuts to black.]

Meet the Pyro[edit]

  • [A close-up of the RED Pyro's feet are shown as he walks through a barren desert wasteland at sunset, Fire Axe in hand- kicking aside spent shell cartridges and stepping on a pair of glasses at it does so.]
  • RED Heavy: I fear no man. But that...thing. [Leans in close and whispers.] It scares me.
  • [The RED Pyro approaches a bleak-looking desert town as various BLU team members are shown panicking and running away as they see him coming. All that can be heard is the RED Pyro's breathing through his gas mask.]
  • RED Scout: No, I ain't--I ain--I ain't talking about that freak, alright. [He suddenly begins to panic.] He's not here, is he? [Pulls at the microphone on his shirt.] How do I get this f*cking thing off?! [Runs out of the room, knocking over the camera as he does so.]
  • [Cut to the RED Pyro kicking down a locked door that the BLU Demoman is shown cowering behind- he swings his Flamethrower around towards the screen as he enters, close enough to hear the hissing of its pilot light.]
  • RED Spy: [Draws a cigarette] One shudders to imagine what inhuman thoughts lie behind that mask. [Cut to the RED Pyro standing in the middle of the raging inferno that was the desert town, firing his Flamethrower.] What dreams of chronic and sustained cruelty?
  • [The screen suddenly zooms into one of the eyepieces on RED Pyro's mask, before entering RED Pyro's vision- from RED Pyro's viewpoint, he is standing in a brightly-coloured dreamscape with colourful hills, lollipops, kittens, and quaint little villages. As happy music plays in the background, RED Pyro is shown using a brass instrument-like contraption to spray a rainbow-coloured mist around as it laughs, causing flowers to spring up around him.]
  • [Within this dreamscape, the BLU characters appear to be chubby cherubs, and sound like babies. As the BLU Heavy appears from behind a huge Sandvich, RED Pyro picks a huge pink lollipop from the ground and cheers- the two converge happily, with RED Pyro skipping over to give the BLU Heavy the lollipop.]
  • BLU Heavy: [However, it quickly cuts back to reality, showing RED Pyro butchering the BLU Heavy with his Axe.] AUGH! [A crunch as the BLU Heavy's blood splatters onto the screen]
  • [Cut back to RED Pyro's vision- as RED Pyro watches BLU Heavy enjoy his lollipop, the BLU Scout flies over, giggling, and lands on RED Pyro's Rainblower. RED Pyro takes out a Bubble Wand and blows bubbles at the BLU Scout's face, causing him to laugh.]
  • BLU Scout: [Cut back to Reality- RED Pyro is shown shooting the BLU Scout in the head with a Scorch Shot flare, sending him flying backwards from the force.] AUUUUGH!
  • [Cut back to RED Pyro's vision- the BLU Medic cherub appears from inside a blue gift-wrapped present and hides, as if playing Hide-and-Seek. RED Pyro closes the lid of the present on top of him as the cherubs giggle.]
  • BLU Medic: [In reality, RED Pyro is shown barricading the door to a wooden barn with his Axe. The BLU Medic is revealed to be trapped inside, and scream in terror as RED Pyro torches the building with his Flamethrower.] No! NOOOOOOOOOOO-!
  • [Back in RED Pyro's vision, the RED Pyro is shown skipping along with the BLU Cherubs as he continues to spray rainbow mist from his Rainblower. As he passes by, he makes the Balloonicorn appear, which whinnies and allows the BLU Engineer and BLU Spy to ride it. As RED Pyro passes through the town, the Cherubs salute and cheer RED Pyro as he leaves. In reality however, the town continues to burn as several BLU mercenaries are shown being killed or injured during RED Pyro's rampage. A burnt Sentry hit the BLU Engineer, sending him flying backwards.]
  • BLU Demoman: [Lying on the ground] I'm burning!
  • BLU Sniper: [BLU Scout runs off screaming as BLU Sniper crashes through an upper story window to the ground. Badly injured, he crawls among the ground, and grabs onto the ankle of a nearby figure. Unfortunately for him, this figure is revealed to be the RED Pyro.] Help!
  • BLU Sniper: [From the BLU Sniper's point of view- the RED Pyro looks down at the injured BLU Sniper, points his Flamethrower at his head, and proceeds to torch him to death at point-blank range. As the dying BLU Sniper screams in agony, the RED Pyro looks into the screen and quizzically tilts his head.] AAAAAAAAAUUUUUUGH-
  • [Ending Flourish]
  • [There is one last view of the RED Pyro's dreamscape, as he walks off happily into the sunset. However; the view zooms out and passes through a gaping, burnt hole in the stomach of the BLU Soldier on his knees- the scene transitions back to reality as the BLU Soldier clutches his smouldering innards for a moment, before collapsing and dying with one stifled groan. The RED Pyro walks away from the scene of his brutal rampage, still whistling 'Do You Believe in Magic' as the desert town begins to collapse from the inferno, and the charred, dismembered corpses of the BLU Team litter the streets.]

In-game commands and responses[edit]


  • Oh, they're gonna have to glue you back together ... IN HELL!
  • "(slurring)" G-gonna blow your ass on the grass and I'm the
  • They're going to bury what's left of you in a soup can!
  • "(defending control point)"–and that's what you get for touching that.
  • Oh, they're gonna find ya all dead in the alley with cats licking at ya!
  • (defending) Next time you'll bloody ask before you stand on my point.
  • (defending) Stand on the bloody point, ya half-wit!
  • (defending) Stand on the point ya git!
  • (capturing point) Now it's our flippin' point!
  • (slurring; winning a match) Iluvevery, single… one of ye… not you.
  • (winning a match) Imagine if I hadn't been drunk.
  • (slurring; winning a match) If I wasn't the man I was I'd kiss ya.
  • (slurring; losing a match) I'm drunk - you don't have an excuse!
  • (losing a match) I feel like every bone in me body's broke!
  • (slurring; losing a match) Ooooh, I've realllly hit rock bottom!
  • (losing a match) I did what I could!
  • (slurring; losing a match) Thankfully, I already don't remember this.
  • (repeated line) Bloody hell!
  • (losing a match) Buck up, lads! We'll got them next time.
  • (losing a match) I almost joined their bloody team!
  • (losing a match) We are a sorry bunch of losers!
  • (slurring; killing a Soldier) Just got two tickets to the gun show and I'm not giving 'em to ya. I'm goin' with your tickets- hahaha (snores) wh-wha?
  • How's that feel, ya blockhead?
  • KA-BOOM!
  • (slurring) *indistinct* THAT'S the way to do it!
  • Get going!
  • Move it lads!
  • Don't fret boyo, I'll be gentle!
  • Oh, I'm gonna beat you so hard, you'll have a twitch.
  • (under the effects of an ÜberCharge while using the grenade launcher) All ya dandies, prancin' about with your heads full of eyeballs!
  • (under the effects of an ÜberCharge while using the grenade launcher) I'm going to ya into thin gruel.
  • (under the effects of an ÜberCharge while using the grenade launcher) Not one of ya's gonna survive this!
  • (under the effects of an ÜberCharge while using the grenade launcher) In your language: Eat lead, laddies!
  • You appear to have trodden on a mine!
  • Oh, I'm goin' to liquefy ya...
  • (dominating a Medic) DOMINATED! And I've been shagging ya wife! HAHA!
  • (dominating a Sniper) I hate you campers! Everybody bloody hates you!
  • (dominating a Demoman) Welcome to the dominatening!
  • (dominating a Demoman) It is the dominatening!
  • (dominating a Demoman) DOMINATED! I feel everything! I know everything!
  • (dominating an Engineer) That's a right pretty bra-washer ya built, ya big ugly girl!
  • (dominating a Scout) You're like a little bunny, scurrying around, eating up your lettuce and berries!
  • (dominating a Soldier) I'll notify your next of kin... that ya SUCKED!
  • (dominating a Spy) I hope I didn't scare you with my face-to-face MAN FIGHTIN'!
  • (beheading an enemy) There can only be one!
  • (beheading an Demoman) There can only be one! Eye.
  • (enemy cart going backwards) Back ye go!
  • (slurring) Gonna kill you and I'll keep killing you and I never 'cause your gonna be dead and I'm gonna kill you...
  • (dominating a Spy) You're a back-pokin' snake and by god you'll die like one!
  • Don't hide besides your toys lad!
  • (set on fire) I'M BURNIN'!
  • (when taking damage; whispering) Oh, that smarts!
  • (halloween event) It's the devil's work!
  • (looking for Merasmus) Merasmus, I've got your nickel! Now give me back me eye!
  • (revived in Mann vs. Machine) What did I miss?
  • (receives rare items in Mann Up mode) Ay, tis nice!
  • (robots attacking the gate in Mannhattan) Robots at the gate!
  • (while perfoming the Conga) I love the conga!


  • You ladies shoulda' oughta' brought some menfolk with ya.
  • I built that.
  • Cream gravy!
  • (sentry gun kill) Another satisfied customer!
  • (sentry gun kill) I told ya don't touch that darn thing.
  • (sentry gun kill) How'd that plan turn out for ya, dummy?
  • (upon retaliating with revenge weapon when his sentry is destroyed) Start prayin', boy!
  • Take it like a man, son/shorty.
  • I'm gonna beat you like a rented mule, boy.
  • Spy's sappin' my sentry!
  • Spy's sappin' my teleporter!
  • Spy's sappin' my dispenser!
  • Erectin' a dispenser!
  • Teleporter goin' up!
  • Sentry down!
  • Dispenser down!
  • Teleporter down!
  • There's a spy creepin' around here!
  • Hey boys, there's a spy!
  • Hoo wee, would ya look at that?
  • Hoo wee, makin' bacon!
  • C'mere, sissy!
  • Son, I'm gonna blow that dumb look right off your stupid face.
  • Dag-nabbit damn it!
  • Dammit, fellas...
  • Good night, Irene!
  • "(When dominating an enemy Medic)" I'm a killer a' men, doc, and that's a god-honest truth.
  • (when defending a control point) Plant yourself on the point, mister!
  • Now I've seen everything...
  • I'm moving this.
  • (set on fire) Fire! Fire!
  • (when other players are in the way of transporting a building) Heavy load comin' through!
  • (when having killed a player with the unlockable mini-sentry gun) Some times you just need a little less gun.
  • (when having killed a player with the unlockable mini-sentry gun) Ain't that a cute lil' gun?
  • (when having killed another player using the manual control) This thing ain't on auto-pilot, son!
  • (when having killed a player with the Golden Wrench, turning the enemy into a statue) Erectin' a statue of a moron!
  • (when having killed a player with the Golden Wrench, turning the enemy into a statue) That there's a gold plated kill!
  • (when having killed a player with the Golden Wrench, turning the enemy into a statue) Least you ain't worthless any more.
  • I wish y'all could see how bad i'm kickin' your tail.
  • (Dominating an engineer) You can always tell a Texan... But you can't tell him much.
  • Y'all come back now, more where that came from.
  • I am the better man!
  • Y'all gotta run a lot faster than that...
  • Boy, this here's just gonna keep happenin' and happenin'.
  • (dominating a Sniper) Aw...Now you ain't such a happy camper.
  • That is just a sad display, son.
  • Don't test my mettle, son!
  • (dominating a Spy) Your're a loooooooooong way from France, boy.
  • (dominating a Spy) I just beat on your sneaky ass like a mule, boy!
  • Not bad, not bad at all.
  • (robots taking the gate in Mannhattan) The robots are takin' the gate
  • I ain't got time to die!


  • Who touched my gun?!
  • (Taunts with stock Fists/Holiday Punch/Apoco Fists) POW! HAHA!
  • (when punching with fists) TAKE THAT! (after a few seconds) AND THAT/THIS! AND THIS/THAT!
  • Entire team is babies!
  • Cry some more!
  • Keep crying, baby!
  • I'm coming for you!
  • I was told we would be fighting men!
  • All of you are dead!
  • You! Yes, you! You are dead!
  • Which one of you is crying?
  • До свидания! (Dah svidaniya! / Goodbye!)
  • (after being healed by a Medic) I love this doctor!
  • (after being healed by a Medic) You're great, doctor!
  • (after being healed by a Medic) Thank you doctor!
  • (set on fire) MY FLESH! IT BURNS!
  • (set on fire) AGH AGH! FIRE! FIRE!
  • Who send all these babies to fight?
  • WHAT SICK MAN send BABIES to fight me?
  • Let us fight man versus tiny baby man!
  • (destroying an Engineer's dispenser) I hear someone building diaper changing station!
  • (successfully capturing enemy intel) It was long trip.
  • (successfully capturing enemy intel) I killed many cowards to get this!
  • (successfully capturing enemy intel) Not usually my job, but..., heheh...
  • (moving towards payload) We must push little cart!
  • (advancing payload) Forward, glorious cart!
  • (advancing payload) Go, go, давай! (Go, go, davai! / Go, go, come on!)
  • (if payload stops) No! Cart has stopped moving!
  • (if cart begins to roll back) Cart is moving the wrong way!
  • (if cart is left unattended) Bomb cart will not push self!
  • (under the effects of an Übercharge) I AM BULLETPROOF!
  • (under the effects of an Übercharge)' Get behind me, doctor!
  • (under the effects of an Übercharge) HIDE, COWARDS!
  • (under the effects of an Übercharge) Is good time to run cowards!
  • (under the effects of an Übercharge) Now, it's my killing time!
  • (found Spy) I spy with my little eye!
  • (after eating Sandvich) Don't run! It's just ham!
  • (after eating Sandvich) What was that, Sandvich? "Kill them all"? Good idea! Hahahaha!
  • (after eating Sandvich) Bologna is perfect fuel for killing tiny cowards!
  • (after eating Sandvich, in singing tone) Sandvich and me going to beat your ass!
  • (after eating Sandvich) You're a loose cannon, sandvich! But you are a damn good cop!
  • (after eating Sandvich) Ah, so filling! Hahahahaha!
  • (after eating Sandvich) That was delicious!
  • (after eating Sandvich) Moist and delicious!
  • (when eating Sandvich) Nom nom nom, om nom. *(chewing sounds)*
  • (after teleporting) Engineer is credit to team!
  • You are so small! Is funny to me!
  • (using Rage in Mann vs. Machine) I am angry!
  • (using Rage in Mann vs. Machine) Robots, I will break you!!!
  • (using Rage in Mann vs. Machine) I HATE ROBOTS!
  • (destroying a giant robot in Mann vs. Machine) Not so mighty now, tiny giant!
  • (laughter) Bring me robots to fight.
  • (wearing Grand Duchess) Tell Heavy he is prettiest princess. Now!!
  • (wearing Grand Duchess) Heavy is wish making fairy! "Make wish!"
  • (wearing Grand Duchess) Bah, Heavy is regretting costume choice...
  • (wearing Grand Duchess) Brush Heavy's hair... BRUSH IT!
  • (wearing Grand Duchess) Did you wish for Heavy to kill you? WISH GRANTED!
  • (dominating) I am going to kill you, and kill you, and kill you.
  • (dominating) I have plan for you: Pain without end!
  • (dominating) Killing you is full-time job now.
  • (dominating) The burning you feel? It is shame!
  • (dominating) I'm coming for you, again!
  • (dominating) You are dead! Not big surprise!
  • (looking for, sings in Russian or jibberish) This is the song where I'm looking for the Wizard, and I will crush him! (continues to sing)
  • (looking for Merasmus) Little wizard baby want Heavy to play hide-and-seek?
  • Ooooh, run, run, I'm coming for you!
  • Little, little man, you are no match for me!
  • (dominating an enemy player while having Chicken Kiev equipped) As promised, Heavy will now lay egg in your mouth.
  • (under the effects of an Übercharge while having Chicken Kiev equipped) Tweet-tweeeeeet! HAHAHA!
  • (under the effects of an Übercharge while having Chicken Kiev equipped) Hide, WORMS! HAHAHAHA!
  • (receives normal items in Mann Up mode) Hmm, good stuff.
  • (receives rare items in Mann Up mode, singing) Ya da da da! Best thing! Heavy owns best thing! It is his, do not touch, or he will kill you! Da dum da dum dum! (laughs)
  • (revived in Mann vs. Machine) Hahahaha! Heavy is back, babies!


  • Did ze Fräuleins have their Mittelschmerz? (period)
  • All I can tell you about zis next procedure is zat it vill be excruciating!
  • Eins, zwei, drei... Ugh, I do not think we brought enough body bags.
  • Hello, Fräuleins!
  • Ze healing is not as rewarding as ze hurting!
  • Ze healing leaves little time for ze hurting!
  • Oops! Zat vas not medicine!
  • I healed ze man who vill kill you!
  • Would you like a second opinion? You are also ugly!
  • Come over here. I promise I will heal you!
  • Raus! Raus! (Out! Out!)
  • Can you feel ze Schadenfreude?
  • Zat vasn't very good sanitation.
  • Another successful procedure.
  • Ve did it, comrade!
  • Did zat sting? Sorry!
  • Zat vas doctor-assisted homicide!
  • (defending) I am ze Übermensch!
  • (capturing) Standing near ze point does nothing! Get on ze point, dummkopf!
  • (capturing) Idiot! Get on ze point!
  • Danke, dummkopfs! (Thank you, idiots!)
  • (set on fire) Fire, fire, fire!
  • (set on fire) I am melting!
  • (set on fire) Everyone! I am on fire!
  • (Übercharge meter full) I am fully charged!
  • Gesundheit!
  • Hyaah!
  • Hahaha! Oktoberfest!
  • Hold still, Schweinhunds. Zis vill only sting for a moment!
  • You are trying my patience!
  • Haha! Vat a bloodbath!
  • (activating an ÜberCharge) Auf wiedersehen, dummkopfs! (Goodbye, idiots!)
  • (defending) Get on ze point, dummkopf!
  • Turn your head and cough!
  • I'm going to saw through your bones!
  • Prepare for your examination.
  • (when a giant robot is destroyed in Mann vs. Machine) The Uberbot is destroyed!
  • (collecting credits in Mann vs. Machine) Everyone, free money!
  • (after being healed by another medic) Thank you, herr doktor!
  • (after going through a teleporter) Thank you, my hard-hatted friend!
  • (dominating an enemy player while having Medimedic equipped) BIRD HEAD DOMINATION!
  • (dominating an enemy player while having Medimedic equipped) You're dominated! I have a Bird head! Ve're both having a bad day!
  • "(wearing Second Opinion, pushing cart)" (Evil Half): PUSH HARDER! (Normal): Oh shut up!
  • ^ (Evil Half): "Keep pushing!" (Normal): Why don't you push?
  • "( Wearing Second Opinion, cart moving back)" (Normal): WHO STOPPED PUSHING ZHE CART!? (Evil Half): Zhis is YOUR fault!
  • "(wearing Second Opinion, dominating) (Normal / Evil at the same time): "I have two minds about this. Both are... Pretty good vith it..."
  • "(wearing Second Opinion, idle): (Evil Half) "Do you ever worry you might be going mad?" (Normal) "Vell not "worry". I mean I'm not up at night about it. Heh.
  • ^ (Evil Half) "Do you ever zhink zhat you might be going mad?" (Normal) "Oh all zhe time. I don't think it's anything to vorry about.
  • "(wearing Second Opinion) (Evil Half) "Redrum REDRUM!" (Normal, small chuckling while talking) "Red? Oh! I just got that! Very clever!
  • "( wearing Second Opinion, victory) (Normal) "Ve did it haha!" (Evil Half) " I did it..." (Normal) "Well whatever."
  • "( wearing Second Opinion, round start) (Normal) "Let's do zhis my friends!" (Evil Half) "Kill zhem all..." (Normal, whispering) "SHH! Zhat's enough!"
  • ^ (Normal) "I am ready my friends!" (Evil Half) "Kill all your friends..." (Normal) Oh! Good idea!
  • ^ (Normal) "I am ready!" (Evil Half) "Kill zhem all..." (Normal) Also I must kill you all!
  • ^ (Normal) "I cannot vait haha!" (Evil Half) "And neitzer can I..."
  • (wearing Second Opinion) (Evil) "Kill zhem. Kill zhem all!" (Normal) "Oh! That does sound like fun!
  • ^ (Evil) "Kill zhem all..." (Normal) "Hmm. Are you sure?" (Evil) "Yes" (Normal) "Vell I'm convinced"
  • ^ (Evil) "Zhey all zhink you're crazy..." (Normal, angry) "What!? I'll show them!
  • ^ (Normal) "Ready?" (Evil) "Ve're both ready..."
  • (wearing Second Opinion, Ubercharged) (Normal) "Ve are invinsible!" (Evil) "Yes be are...)
  • (uses shield in Mann vs. Machine) Everyone, behind me!
  • (uses shield in Mann vs. Machine) You shall go no further!
  • (receives rare item in Mann Up Mode) Hmm, not bad!
  • (revived in Mann vs. Machine) I'm alive, alive!
  • (collected rare spellbook) Today... I am a GOD! (evil laughter)


Because of his gas mask, most of Pyro's dialogue is cryptic at best , unintelligible at worst. Somewhat recognizable quotes include "hello!", a maniacal laughter as a taunt, and a high-pitched sound followed by a low one.

  • (playing his axe taunt) buuun,waanana!
  • Ow dow how dow. (mockingly) (possibly "I don't think so.")
  • Mph fr frn fshze mph gt! (possibly "Was für eine Scheiße, mein Gott!"; Engl. "What a crap, my God!")
  • Mmph mphna mprh. (possibly "Thanks for the help." or "Thanks very much.")
  • Mmmh,mmh! (possibly "Fire! Fire!")
  • (When using high five taunt) Hrmh mmh! (possibly "Hit me!")
  • Mhnk nhya mgh mhph. (possibly "Thank you, doc.")
  • Hurrururururu!(possibly "This point is ours!")
  • Mrfer!(possibly "Victory!")
  • Mmphn frphha herrpha.(possibly "Thanks for the teleport." or "Thanks for the teleporter.")
  • Mrr hurrdurr hm hurr! (possibly "That person's a spy!" Note: the line is the same even if you are targeting a player)
  • Hudda hudda huh!(possibly "Activate the charge!" or "They can go to hell!")
  • Phudda dipenza heah!(possibly "Put a dispenser here!")
  • Phudda teddapudda heah!(possibly "Put a teleporter here!")
  • Pudda sfenty heah!(possibly "Put a sentry here!")
  • Herp mehr! (possibly "Help me!")
  • Mow, Mow, Mow! (likely "Go, go, go!")
  • Mehr Mehr! (possibly "Come on!")
  • Mmph Murrah! (possibly "You moron!")
  • Mmph Mehr nah memph nah memph nah merh yah! (Possibly "Talk about a dumbass team, their team, I tell ya!")
  • Mmph nah mmph mmph nah mmph nah mmph mmph! (Possibly "The little ones bite but they're still not a threat")
  • (when a round ends with a stalemate) Mrmh nah mrrmrr crudah tah! (Possibly "Not another cruddy tie!")


  • (capturing point) Am I gonna have to capture this thing all by myself?
  • (taunt) All right! I feel good!
  • (taunt) I'm not even winded!
  • (taunt) Hey, is somebody keeping track of my heads batted in? BONK!
  • Need a dispenser here!
  • Say goodbye to your kneecaps, chucklehead!
  • Look at me ma!
  • Play ball!
  • Let's stop that freakin' thing!
  • Drink it in pal, that's how failure tastes!
  • Yeah, I dare ya, rage quit, come on make us both happy!
  • (dominating a Demoman) Depth perception, pal, look into it.
  • (dominating an Engineer) Here's a schematic for ya... MY ASS!
  • (dominating a Heavy) I think I'll take Sasha out for a steak dinner tonight, what ya think about that?
  • ^ I am owning you fat, bald, fatty, fat, fat-fat!
  • (dominating a Medic) I hate doctors!
  • ^ (sigh) Doctor, doctor, doctor...
  • ^ What are you gonna do? Heal me to death?
  • ^ Ooh hoo hoo, your gun shoots medicine? Intimidating.
  • (dominating a Pyro) If you didn't want me to kill you, you should've said somethin'!
  • ^ Repeat after me: Nm-nmm-nmm, I'm dead!
  • (dominating a Scout) This map ain't big enough for the two of us!
  • (dominating a Sniper) You'll never hit me, you'll never hit my tiny head! It's so tiny! I got a freakin', such a tiny little head!
  • ^ You camped the whole time for this?!
  • ^ It was a mercy killin', you live in a camper van!
  • (dominating Soldier) Drop dead and give me twenty!
  • ^ (imitating Soldier) DIIIIS-MISSED!
  • (dominating a Spy) Hey, hey, look, you shape-shifted into a dead guy!
  • If you order now, I'll throw in a second beatin' absolutely free.
  • I'm runnin' circles around ya!
  • Not so tough now, are ya? Are ya!?
  • Why don't you come over here and say that to my face, tough guy?! Bonk!
  • Woo-hoo-hoo!!
  • Major league!
  • This is a real freakin' embarassment...
  • (upon a revenge kill) Boom! I'm back, dummy!
  • (upon a revenge kill) Don't you EVER cross me again!
  • (calling for Medic) Doc! Come on, man!
  • (upon capturing an intelligence) Wave goodbye to your secret crap, dumbass!
  • Hit the bricks pal, your done!
  • Is anyone even payin' attention to me?
  • Yo, a little help here?
  • Un-freakin' touchable!
  • I'm a freakin' blur here!
  • This sucks on ice!
  • Pop Quiz: How long does it take to beat a moron to death?(imitating buzzer noise) Sorry, time's up, you're dead!
  • That's what I'm talkin' about!
  • What have we learned? I always win!
  • Catch this!
  • I love my ball!
  • (set on fire) OH I'M BURNIN'! I'M A BURNIN'!
  • (uses Teleporter) Hey good job there, hard-hat!
  • Aww, crap...
  • (loses round) What the hell's your guys problem?!
  • (Enemy cart going backwards) Return to freakin' sender!
  • (receives rare item in Mann Up Mode) OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD!
  • (receives rare item in Mann Up Mode) For the first time in my life... I'm at a loss for words.
  • (receives rare item in Mann Up Mode) It's... perfect.
  • (revived in Mann vs. Machine) I'm too handsome to die!
  • (collected rare spellbook) You shall not freaking pass!
  • (set on fire while having the Magical Mercenary equipped) My pony magic does nothing!
  • (round starts while having the Magical Mercenary equipped) I am not a unicorn! I am a pink rhinoceros!
  • (under the effects of an Übercharge while having the Magical Mercenary equipped) I am an invincible unicorn!


  • G'day!
  • Crikey!
  • Boom, headshot.
  • Let's see how much blood's in ya!
  • You best keep lyin' down...
  • No worries!
  • Bloody beaut!
  • Bloody bogan!
  • You big-head wankers!
  • That funeral ain't gonna be open casket.
  • That's some shonky business right there!
  • Thanks for standing still, wankers!
  • Standin' around like a bloody idiot!
  • Now a knife!
  • Simple, simple, one for me.
  • This is gonna be a real piece of piss, you bloody fruit shop owners.
  • Everything above your neck's gonna be a fine red mist!
  • Wave goodbye to your head, wankers!
  • (when throwing Jarate) Bombs away!
  • (when throwing Jarate) Jarate!
  • (round starts) God save the Queen!
  • Spies, bloody useless!
  • You got blood on my knife, mate.
  • (after delivering headshot) Psssst! He he.
  • Shoulda saved a bullet for some of you blokes!
  • You'll be needin' another use for that neck!
  • I've slept in the corpse of a water buffalo tougher than you!
  • All your heads look bloody twelve feet tall!
  • You better hold onto your head, mate!
  • I'm gonna turn ya into colored rain!
  • Keep yubbin' that big mouth, while it's still attached to your bloody neck.
  • (dominating a Sniper) One sniper to another, mate: Give! Up!
  • (dominating a Sniper) The bullets come out of the slim end, mate!
  • (dominating a Soldier) All rockets, no brains, eh mate?
  • (dominating a Soldier) That helmet's gonna make a nice bowl for your brains!
  • (dominating a Soldier) At ease! Hahahahahaha!
  • (dominating a Soldier) I owned ya, ya pickle-headed drongo!
  • (dominating a Soldier) Take that, ya rocket-hoppin' simpleton!
  • (dominating a Soldier) Oh, lend us your shovel, so I can dig your grave!
  • (dominating a Soldier) Dominated, ya ploddin' potato-head!
  • (dominating a Heavy) I just bagged the world's fattest man!
  • (revenge) There was you, very full of yourself. Then, very briefly surprised. Then, dead.
  • (dominating) (sarcastic) Oh my god, you've been shot. Did you get a look at the handsome rogue who did it?
  • (revenge to a Soldier) Here's a touching story. Once upon a time you died and I lived happily ever after. The end.
  • (dominating a Demoman) (sarcastic) Ace reflexes, you bomb chuckin' waste of good scotch!
  • (dominating a Demoman) You've been killed by the best, cyclops!
  • (dominating a Demoman) Gotcha, you bomb-lobbing wanker!
  • (dominating an Engineer) Here's a gadget you should build: One what stops my bullets!"
  • (stabbing an enemy with arrow) Stab stab stab...
  • Sniping's a good job mate.
  • I'm not a crazed gunman, dad, I'm an assasin!
  • If your strategy is to build me confidence, it's workin'
  • How many times you've died, I'm actually gettin' impressed.
  • You got forehead on you like a coffee table.
  • You makin' this so easy, I'm actually gettin' worse.
  • (dominating a Medic) What's up, doc! Hehehe!
  • (dominating a Medic) Quit blubbering and take your medicine like a man!
  • (dominating a Medic) Sorry there, nurse, I mistook you for an actual threat!
  • (dominating a Spy) Aww, did I get blood on your suit!
  • (dominating a Spy) Backstab that, you snake!
  • (dominating a Spy) I was never on your side either, wanker!
  • Piss off, big-head!
  • Ahh, that was rubbish!
  • (dominating a Scout) That'll slow you down, ya twitchy hooligan!
  • (dominating an enemy player while having Sir Shootalot equipped) You and I are a lot alike, mate. Except I'm an owl, and you're dead!
  • (dominating an enemy player while having Sir Shootalot equipped) God, I'm good at being an owl!
  • (under the effects of an Übercharge while having Sir Shootalot equipped) HOOT! HOOOT!
  • (receives rare item in Mann Up Mode) It's a miracle... It's an Australian bloody miracle!
  • (revived in Mann vs. Machine) What the bloody hell just happened?
  • (collected rare spellbook) I am the king of Australian!
  • (scoring a kill while having the Magical Mercenary equipped) Becomin' a unicorn was the best decision I ever made.
  • (under the effects of an Übercharge while having the Magical Mercenary equipped) Who wants some bloody horn?!


  • (fighting Merasmus) Merasmus! Take your voodoo back to Canada, where it belongs!
  • Maggots!
  • Give 'em hell, boys!
  • The worm has turned, gentlemen!
  • I am going to strangle you with your own frilly training bra!
  • This is my world, you are not welcome in my world!
  • Every one of you deserves a medal!
  • Each and every one of you has failed.
  • Are you all trying for a Section 8?
  • Which of you numbnuts let us down?
  • You have dishonored this entire unit.
  • You are the sorriest excuses for soldiers I have ever seen!
  • Pain is weakness leaving the body!
  • Down and give me twenty!
  • Get with the program!
  • If I have to crack some skulls, I will!
  • (losing a match) That was an amazing killing spree... by the other team!
  • You are all dishonorably discharged.
  • Screamin' eagles!
  • The last word out of your sorry mouth will be "Sir!," and it will be loud!
  • You are scum! You are nothing but a bunch of cowards!
  • You are a spineless worm! You are a mistake of nature! You are walking vomit!
  • You are a maggot hatched from a mutant maggot egg!
  • You sissified maggot scum have just signed your death warrants!
  • I am going to claw my way down your throat and tear out your very soul!
  • Take your lumps like a man, Private Twinkletoes!
  • Each and every one of you will be sent off to your mama in a box!
  • I joined this team just to kill maggots like you!
  • You are all weak! You are all bleeders!
  • (Match starting) Last one alive, lock the door!
  • (to Medic) You deserve a medal, doc.
  • (successfully capturing enemy intel) I have rescued my Intelligence..
  • (set on fire) I... am... on... Fi-re!
  • (Pushing enemy back) We have you surrounded, at least from this side!
  • (on a killing spree) I'm-a execute each and every last one of you!
  • (on a killing spree) Time to inform your next of kin!
  • (capturing a point) Help me commandeer my point!
  • (just defended CP from being captured) Stand! On! The! Point!!! Numbnuts!
  • (before throwing a grenade into the air to kill himself and others) C'mere, cupcake!
  • (Dominating an enemy) If God had wanted you to live, he would not have created me!
  • (Dominating enemy Sniper) This is not a camping trip, Sheila. This is war- AND I LOVE IT!
  • (Dominating enemy Sniper) You just got dominated, Bilbo Baggins! (Also: Basbo Bibbins, Barbel Bapkins, Bablo Brabbins, Balbo Biggins, Bulbo Buttons)
  • (Dominating enemy Sniper) Your country did not prepare you for the level of violence you will meet on my battlefield!
  • (Dominating enemy Sniper) Aww, am I too violent for you, cupcake?
  • (Dominating enemy Sniper) The next time you want to kill a man, look him in the eyes!
  • (Dominating enemy Sniper) You are a coward, and you've DIED like one!
  • (Dominating enemy Sniper) I will send my condolences to your kangaroo wife.
    • Explanation: Sniper is Australian.
  • (Dominating enemy Sniper) Now hear this, camper: you are not WANTED on my beloved battlefield!
  • (Dominating enemy Sniper) You will NOT turn my battlefield into a camp ground!
  • (Dominating enemy Spy) Words cannot express how much I HATE France right now!
  • (Dominating enemy Pyro) You cannot burn me, I'm already already on fire!
  • You cannot burn me, I do not have time to combust!
  • (dominating a Demoman) Scotland is not a real country, you are an Englishman with a dress!
  • I will eat your ribs, I will eat them up!
  • Less talk, more fight!
  • (dominating a Scout) You kids today don't know how to dominate!
  • (enemy cart going backwards) Cart's falling back!
  • (falling down the bottomless pit in Ghost Fort/Helltower/Carnival of Carnage) Damn you, Merasmuuuuus! You are the worst roommaaaaaaaaate!
  • (collected rare spellbook) I am having a heart attack!
  • (match start, while having Freedom Feathers equipped) I am the perfect avian killing machine!
  • (match start, while having Magical Mercenary equipped, in singing tone) I don't know, but I been told: I'm a pretty unicorn!
  • (Receives rare item in Mann Up Mode) Mine! This is mine now! There are many like it but this one is mine now!
  • (Receives rare item in Mann Up Mode) This must be what the President feels like all the time.
  • (Revived in MVM) Hello again!


  • Gentlemen.
  • I never really was on your side.
  • (under the effects of an ÜberCharge) They should call you whiners Dr. NOOOOO!
  • Promise not to bleed on my suit, and I'll kill you quickly.
  • (capturing control point) Our influence grows!
  • (destroying Engineer's machines) I murdered your toys as well!
  • (set on fire) I appear to have burst into flames.
  • (set on fire) I do believe I'm on fire.
  • (set on fire) Fire, fire, fire!
  • (reporting enemy spy) It seems I am not the only spy.
  • After you.
  • Shall we?
  • Peekaboo!
  • I'll be seeing you!
  • This will be the last time you see me.
  • Just lay your weapons down and walk away.
  • I'm going to gut you like a Cornish game hen.
  • You got blood on my suit!
  • Oh dear, I've made quite a mess.
  • The outcome was never really in doubt.
  • You are all incompetent cowards!
  • Well, this was a disappointment.
  • You know, hiding won't save you.
  • Sorry to "pop" in unannounced.
  • (imitating Engineer) Why don't we just give up, pardner?
  • (imitating Engineer) Everyone back to base, pardner.
  • May I make a suggestion? Run.
  • (teleported, to Engineer) Thank you, laborer!
  • (dominating a Scout) Well, off to visit your mother!
  • (dominating a Scout) You died as you lived, running away!
  • (dominating a Scout) May I borrow your earpiece? (mimicking Scout) This is Scout! Rainbows make me cry! Over!
  • (dominating a Scout) Here lies Scout. He ran fast, and died a virgin.
  • (dominating a Scout) Nothing personal, I just had to shut you up!
  • (dominating a Soldier) At least you died for honor, and my amusement.
  • (dominating a Soldier) Oh, Soldier, who would they find to replace you? Anyone! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
  • (dominating a Demoman) Don't feel bad, you did a fine job throwing your little balls around!
  • (dominating a Demoman) Kaboom indeed, you drunken wretch!
  • (dominating a Demoman) The black Scottish cyclops, now extinct!
  • (dominating a Demoman) I merely finished what your liver started!
  • (dominating a Heavy) You died as you lived, morbidly obese!
  • (dominating a Heavy) What's the matter? Fat got your tongue? HAHAHAHAHAHA!
  • (dominating a Heavy) Oh, fat man, please! This is getting awkward.
  • (dominating a Heavy) Your precious sandwich won't save you now, fatty!
  • (dominating an Engineer) Yippee-kay-yay, my dead illiterate friend!
  • (dominating an Engineer) Giddy up now... TO HELL!
  • (dominating a Medic) MEDIC, MEDIC, MEDIC! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
  • (dominating a Medic) I'm looking at your X-rays, and I'm afraid YOU SUCK!
  • (dominating a Medic) Does it hurt when I do that? It does, doesn't it?!
  • (dominating a Medic) You are such a bad doctor! HAHAHAHAHA!
  • (dominating a Sniper) You disgust me, filthy jar-man!
  • (dominating a Sniper) You live in a van! HAHAHAHA!
  • (dominating a Spy) You are an amature and a fool!
  • (dominating a Spy) You are an embarrassment to spies everywhere!
  • (dominating a Spy) Go to hell, and take your cheap suit with you!
  • (upon having Jarate/Mad Milk thrown at him) I have been shown who is the boss!
  • (upon having Jarate/Mad Milk thrown at him) Jarate?! NOOOO!
  • (upon having Jarate/Mad Milk thrown at him) I HATE you!
  • (upon having Jarate/Mad Milk thrown at him) Is this...? MON DIEU!
  • I'm coming for you!
  • I think not.
  • But of course.
  • Top shelf!
  • What a disaster!
  • With my apologies!
  • Oh, Merde.
  • We all knew you were a spy!
  • You suck!
  • (receives rare item in Mann Up Mode) Magnificient!
  • (falling down the bottomless pit in Ghost Fort/Helltower/Carnival of Carnage) (short screaming) Come on, I don't have all day.
  • (successfully capturing a control point, while having the Magical Mercenary equipped) I claim this point for France, and the unicorns!

The Administrator[edit]

  • (getting a first kill in Arena mode) First blood! That was fast!
  • (arena match lost) You didn't kill any of them!
  • (payload cart nearing final point) The cart has almost reached the final terminus! (sometimes followed by a maniacal laugh)
  • (enemy capture control point) The enemy has recieved additional time!
  • Flawless victory! Now do it again!
  • Your team is dead, Good luck.
  • Overtime!
  • (When server glitches upon Overtime on a KOTH map, often called Overspam) Overtime! Overtime! Overtime! Overtime! Overtime! Overtime! Overtime!
  • You've failed!
  • Teams are being scrambled!
  • You've failed. Stalemate!
  • (Arena match starting after a loss) This time, try killing one of them!
  • (Arena match starting after a loss) Don't fail me again!
  • Victory.
  • (repeated line) Alert! The enemy has taken our intelligence!
  • We have taken the enemy intelligence.
  • We have dropped the enemy intelligence!
  • You've failed. The enemy has captured our intelligence.
  • You've failed. The enemy has secured our intelligence.
  • The enemy has dropped our intelligence.
  • Success! We have secured the enemy intelligence.
  • Time has been added.
  • Alert! Our control point is being captured.
  • Alert! The control point is being contested!
  • Alert! The control point is being captured!
  • (said very quickly) Alert! Our last control point is being captured!
  • (said very quickly) Alert! The final control point is being contested!
  • Attention! Two minutes left in the mission, two minutes left in the mission!
  • You must protect Mann Co.
  • Protect Mann. Co at all costs. (mvm theme tune starts playing)
  • (repeated line) Only one Spy-bot remains!
  • (if all human spies are killed as a robot) You have killed all the Spies.
  • The tank is almost to the hatch! Stop it!
  • (to the defenders if the robots are almost to the bomb hatch in MVM) Alert! Do NOT let the bomb get to the hatch!
  • (to the defenders if the robots are almost to the bomb hatch in MVM) Alert! Stop them from deploying the bomb!
  • (to the defenders if all of the Spy robots are killed) All Spy-bots destroyed.
  • (tank enters the map) Alert! A tank has entered the area!
  • (tank enters the map) Tank! Kill it!
  • (multiple tanks on the field) Alert! There are multiple tanks!
  • (multiple tanks on the field) Multiple tanks. Stop them!
  • (after the defenders destroy the tank) *laughter* You did it. You did it!
  • (to the defenders after they're all killed) How could you all die at once!?
  • (bomb carrier pushed back) Yes! The bomb has been set back to the start!
  • (game over in Mann vs. Machine mode) You lost! You lost it all! We are doomed!!
  • (if a tank spawns upon the last one's destruction) Alert! Another tank has entered the area!
  • (Sentry Buster spawns) Alert! A sentry buster has entered the area!
  • Security Alert!

Merasmus the Magician[edit]

  • And now, we spin the WHEEL!
  • The wheel! C'mon, wheel... Merasmus needs this...
  • (upon entering the map) I have COME!
  • Everything's coming up Merasmus!
  • Magic, everyone! Magic!
  • (tiny head fate is chosen on the wheel) Like your tiny heads? Thank magic!
  • (Critical Hit fate chosen) It is the crit boostening!
  • (ÜberCharge fate chosen) ÜBERCHARGE!!
  • (ÜberCharge fate chosen) You are GODS! I... meant to do that! It will go badly for you! ...You watch.
  • (Jarate fate chosen) Rain of jarate! I am sorry about this.
  • (Jarate fate chosen) Rain of jarate! I am so, so... sorry!
  • (Jarate fate chosen) Jarate! Merasmus is not proud of this one.
  • Fear me! Poop, poop in your pumpkin pants!
  • (upon selecting the Dance-Off fate) And though you fight to stay alive, your body starts to spas-mus, in which no mere mortal can resist. The magic of... Merasmus!
  • (defeated) I die! I curse this land, for a hundred years! ...No! A thousand! A thousand year - oh I dieeeeee!
  • (defeated) I die! Soldier! You were the wooooooorst roommaaaaaaate!
  • Surprise!
  • (leaving) Alright I'm leaving now.
  • (leaving) Enough! I leave!
  • Bonus Ducks!


  • "Welcome to Hell! Now fight to the death. Whaddya gonna do?"
  • "Hey hey! It's me, the Bombinomicon. I'm the Devil now, welcome to Hell!"
  • "Okay, good stuff, now get out of here you knuckleheads!" (whispering) "I love you guys!"
  • "Oh man, you guys are some scary bad dudes, I'm so scared!" (chuckles) "Come on, I'm the Devil! You kidding me? Take your free crap and get out of here."
  • "Keep fighting, it's cool stuff!"
  • "Hey, when you go back to Earth, make sure you tell everybody I'm the Devil now. Oh I'm gonna be famous. Oh, I'm gonna be more famous than Lord of the Rings!"
  • "Is it hot in here or is it just me?" (laughing) "It's not me, we're in Hell."
  • "Hey, you did it. Get up here, grab some free crap, you earned it."
  • "Hey, you won! Grab some stuff. It's free."
  • "Oh man, that was great, you guys! Man, we are all having a go- Well, not everybody. But we are having a good time in Hell, ah? Good times, yes. Good Hell times. Grab your gifts!"
  • "Okay, let's go guys! I gotta close up Hell. It's not a 7-Eleven." (laughs) "Grab some gifts before you go, bye you guys!"
  • "Hey, it's me, the Bombinomicon. Welcome to Hell. Hey, pow zoop, fight to the death!"
  • "Holy crap, it's you guys! Welcome to Hell! Hey hey! You brought me a soul. Nice work guys. Now I just need nine more. Let's go."

Saxton Hale (from Vs. Saxton Hale Servers)[edit]

  • The name's Saxton Hale, CEO of Mann. Co., and the man who's going to burn this place to the ground!
  • (uses Super Jump) Screw gravity!
  • (uses Super Jump) Brave jump!
  • (upon killing a Medic) Real men fight, they don't heal!
  • (upon killing a Heavy) Are you really the strongest man on your team?
  • (upon killing a Pyro) You fight like a woman!
  • (to last one alive) Give up or face australium justice!
  • (to last one alive) Fight like a man!
  • (rage) Saxton Hale!
  • (rage) Rawwwwwwwww!
  • (upon killing a Spy) Take that you sneaky bastard!