That '70s Show (season 1)

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The following is a list of quotes from the first season That '70s Show.

That '70s Pilot [1.1][edit]

Fez: I may not say this right because I am new to English, but she has tremendous breasts, yes?
Jackie: Michael, who is this guy?
Kelso: Oh, that's Fez. He's the foreign exchange student.
Jackie: What did we exchange for him?

Kitty: A car is not a bedroom on wheels.

Eric's Birthday [1.2][edit]

Fez: [seeing Laurie] Holy Mother!
Kelso: Hello Laurie.
Laurie: Hello Kelso, Hyde.
Fez: Who is the goddess?
Kelso: The goddess is Eric's sister.
Hyde: She's not a goddess, she's more the earth mother whore type, which works for me.

Red: So, how's your friend Janice?
Laurie: Pregnant.
Kitty: Oh, she was such a nice girl, how does that happen?
Eric: Well, first the egg travels down the fallopian tube to the uterus where it attaches to the wall...
Red: Eric, for God's sakes, that's no language for a woman to hear!
Laurie: It's okay Red, I know what a fallopian tube is. I think Mom does too.

Streaking [1.3][edit]

Red: Eric, say that your job was sent to a plant in Guatela-who-the-hell cares. Now, are you gonna vote for the guy that let that happen?
Kitty: Red, President Ford didn't take your job, he took Nixon's.
Red: Eric, we're waiting!
Eric: Uh, well, I believe that everyone's political opinion is valid and worth hearing.
Red: Well, that's, that's perfect Eric. Use that line when you're up for Miss America.

[At the Ford campaign rally, Red stammers, but recovers after seeing a masked Eric streak]
Red: Hey Gerry, here's my question: How the hell could you pardon Nixon?

Battle of the Sexists [1.4][edit]

Jackie: I'm waiting.
Hyde: Just say it and she'll go home.
Eric: Fine. [pause] You know, you're right, Jackie, the Fonz could beat up Bruce Lee. [winces]
Jackie: Thank you!

[The guys have been talking about women and their physical features, but whenever Red walks by, they switch to talking about the Bible.]
Kelso: Geez, if [Red]'s like this now, he's going to be a total headcase when they shut down the plant. He's just going to be this pathetic guy...
[Red walks in]
Kelso: [loudly]: ...with breasts the size of watermelons! [pauses] ...Is what Moses said to the Egyptians.
Red: Kelso, go home.

Jackie: [on the phone] So Barbra Streisand became this huge star, right? But Kris Kristofferson could not take it anymore, so he drinks and drinks and crashes his car. Isn't that romantic?
Fez: [besides Kelso on the phone, Fez is on the phone, and he's telling Kelso what to say] Say, "Yes, it is."
Kelso: [Fez puts the phone by his ear] Yes it is.
Jackie: Oh, I just love romantic movies, don't you?
Fez: [to Kelso] "Yes, I do."
Kelso: [phone by his ear] Yes, I do.
Jackie: You know what would be a good romantic scene in a movie? That night we had a reservoir when we went skinny-dipping. Remember?
Fez: [to Kelso] "No, describe it to me."
Kelso: [phone by ear] No, describe it to me.
Jackie: Michael, you're so bad. Okay, the water was really cold, so when I dove in, well you know.
Fez: No, I don't know.
Jackie: MICHAEL!

Eric's Burger Job [1.5][edit]

Ricky: Tell me, what do you consider your best quality?
Eric: Well, I'm a real people person.
Hyde: I don't answer stupid questions.
Fez: I speak Dutch.
Kelso: My eyes. Oh, and I guess my butt, too.

Ricky: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Eric: Fatso Burger.
Fez: Covered in gold chains.
Kelso: Rock star. No, movie star. No. Yeah, rock star.
Hyde: Prison.

The Keg [1.6][edit]

Eric: Yeah, we'll throw a party, charge two bucks a head.
Kelso: [quickly] Two bucks a head. A keg is equivalent to seven cases; that’s 168 beers. If we each drink three beers apiece...
Hyde: No way. Sophomores gonna drink one, maybe.
Kelso: True.
Hyde: Yeah, and the freshman, he's gonna drink a half.
Kelso: So that averages out to 1.5 beers per person, which means we can invite 112 people, and that’s 224 bucks.
Hyde: Cash.
Kelso: Which is...
Kelso and Hyde: Decent!

[Red and Bob are investigating the wine store when a kid tries to snitch on the party]
Sleazy Kid: You know, I may have heard something about a party? Can't recall, but maybe ... Andrew Jackson could remind me?
Bob: Andrew Jackson, huh? [Counts dollar bills] He's not in, but Abe Lincoln is hanging out with the Washington twins. I suppose they have knowledge of the festivities? [Red suddenly grabs the money]
Red: So, a real wisenheimer, huh. Well, let's see how smart you are when I [gets closer to kid] SNAP OFF YOUR HEAD!
Sleazy Kid: Okay, okay, man! They said something about a ... a vacant house on Sherman.
Bob: I know that place. It's the vacant house on Sherman.
Red: Good work, Starsky. Let's roll.

That Disco Episode [1.7][edit]

[Donna and Eric talk about the gang's disco date]
Eric: Donna, I hate dancing.
Donna: Why did you go?
Eric: I like you.
Donna: So... you're in like with me?

[The guys are smoking in the basement]
Kelso: I went to the mall today... and I bought a pair of new shoes [pause] and they're the coolest kicks in the cave.

Drive-In [1.8][edit]

Fez: I am telling you. I heard it. The devil is singing backwards on the record.
Hyde: It's not the devil, man! It's Congress. They passed a secret law to put backward messages in our records, man! They wanna kill rock 'n roll because they know it makes us horny, man!
Eric: Doesn't pretty much everything make us horny?
Kelso: Cartoons make me horny! Oh, and food!

Jackie: I understand. Everybody wants their first makeout to be special, in some place romantic like Ireland or Disney World.

Thanksgiving [1.9][edit]

[Donna leaves after finding out that Eric kissed Laurie's friend, Kate]
Hyde: Hey Donna, you wanna talk?
Kelso: I guess she didn't take it well.
Red: Take what well? [looks at Kelso]
Kelso: [smiles] Eric made out with Kate.
Red: Anything else?
Fez: Your son is a whore.

[Red is upset at Eric over kissing Kate]
Red: Donna's such a sweet kid. How could you do this to her?
Eric: I don't know. It's like bad things always happen to me, like I have bad luck or something.
Red: [slowly] Son, you don't have bad luck. The reason that bad things happen to you ... is because you're a dumbass. Now fix it.

Sunday, Bloody Sunday [1.10][edit]

Donna: [to Jackie and Kelso] Finally! Where have you guys been?
Kelso: We had to look for the paper, and eat... and then some stuff happened, you know.
Eric: Your shirt's on inside-out.
Kelso: Yeah, that's the stuff.

Hyde: The three true branches of the government are: military, corporate and Hollywood.

Eric's Buddy [1.11][edit]

Kelso: I miss Eric.
Jackie: Well, you still have me.
Kelso: It's not the same, Jackie! I can talk to Eric about things that... that I can't talk about with you.
Jackie: OK, well like what?
Kelso: Well, for instance, the annoying things that you do.
Jackie: MICHAEL!
Kelso: See, I can't talk to you.

Frank: Number 10, your order is ready.
Kelso: Yeah, I'll be right there.
Frank: Number 10, I have limited counter space. Please remove your hot dog.
Kelso: Al-right! I don't see why you can't just serve us our food Frank! We are paying customers, you know!
Frank: Hey, I did not lose a leg in Vietnam, so that I could serve hot dogs to teenagers.
Kelso: You have both your legs Frank...
Frank: Like I said, I did not lose a leg in Vietnam.

The Best Christmas Ever [1.12][edit]

Eric: Ah, come on, Hyde, did you have to write your name in the snow so close to the tree?

Kitty: So, Laurie, who are you seeing up at the college?
Laurie: Oh, I like to date around.
Eric: [coughs] Slut!
Kitty: Bless you.
Eric: Thanks, Mom.

Ski Trip [1.13][edit]

[Kelso hitches a ride on a truck.]
Gus: Well, hello there!
Kelso: Hey, thanks for stopping. Are you going all the way to Alpine Valley?
Gus: Oh, I’m going... wherever you’re going!
Kelso: Wow, that’s lucky!
Gus: So, did it hurt?
Kelso: What?
Gus: When you fell down from heaven!
Kelso: No, I’m fine!

Fez: I love the snow! I am a winter nymph! I love America! [passes out]

Stolen Car [1.14][edit]

Eric: [sitting in a jail cell] We're not all in trouble here. [to Kelso] Your parents have seven kids. They won't even notice you're gone. [to Fez] Your parents don't even live in this country. [to Hyde] And your mom? Probably one cell over.

Red: Responsible people don't go around getting their nipples twisted.
Eric: See, when you say it, it just sounds weird

That Wrestling Show [1.15][edit]

Red: I can't be friends with Eric. He's too... twitchy.

[Red and Eric visit Rocky Johnson in his locker room]
Red: I wonder if you'd mind giving my son an autograph.
Manager: [cuts off Red] No, no autographs.
Red: Look, I might be the only guy in here who's actually killed a man.
Manager: Give the kid an autograph and then no more autographs.
Rocky Johnson: You know that's really nice, bringing your kid to a wrestling match. You know what, I got a son, and one day he's gonna become The Most Electrifying Man in Sports Entertainment!
Red: Yeah, well, good luck with that. Uh, wanna make that out to Red Forman.
Eric: No, no, I don't think so. It's Eric Forman, capital E-R-I-C.
Red: Yeah but see, his nickname is Red.
Eric: No, it's not.
Red: Stop kidding around, Red.

The First Date [1.16][edit]

Red: Damn good thing I went with him. He wanted to buy a leisure suit.
Eric: Come on, Dad. Leisure suits are cool. Everybody wears them.
Red: Leisure suits are for dumbasses. Believe me.
[Bob walks in wearing a leisure suit]

Jackie: I can't believe you, Michael.
Kelso: What?
Jackie: You can't just maul me in front of my father!
Kelso: I bet he didn't even notice.
Jackie: He yelled at you to stop it.
Kelso: I thought he was yelling at you.

The Pill [1.17][edit]

Eric: Sorry I was late. We Were at the Hub and then I had to drive everyone home and then Kelso says...
Red: Bla Bla Bla, You're late. Be responsible for your own actions.
Kelso: [Very angry] That's Real easy for you to say, Pal! [Leaves]
Red: That kid's on dope.

Eric: I had a nice discussion with Red and Kitty about foreplay.
Donna: I'm sorry.
Eric: Yeah, me too.

Career Day [1.18][edit]

Donna: So, what do you guys wanna do when you grow up?
Eric: Um, not touch dead people. Ever.

Fez: Oh, I am so excited to be in the food service industry. May I cut the cheese?

Prom Night [1.19][edit]

Kelso: Guys, guess who's taking Pam Macey to the prom?
Hyde: Anyone with a quarter?
Kelso: NO, ME!
Fez: Damn, and I had a quarter.

Jackie: Well, I have a date too.
Kelso: Who is he? What's his name?
Jackie: His name is... not important. What's important is, he's better than you, in every conceivable way.
Kelso: Damn, Jackie, that could be anybody!

A New Hope [1.20][edit]

[The guys are heading to the nearest cinema to watch Star Wars: A New Hope]
Fez: I'm so excited about Star Whores.
Hyde: Fez man, it's Star Wars.
Fez: Screw that.
Hyde: Hey, Forman, man, this thing better be good. If I don't see some space jugs, I'm going to be super pissed.
Eric: Oh, hey, guys, I heard it was okay.
Kelso: Well, there is no way it's better than the Planet of the Apes. I mean, those apes were really good actors.

[Eric seeks advice from Red and Bob about fighting David because he is hitting on Donna]
Red: The bridge of the nose, it's very vulnerable.
Bob: Oh, and hit him with a banjo.
Red: [exasperated] A banjo, Bob?
Bob: Yeah.
Red: Where is he gonna get a banjo?
Bob: I don't know. But I saw a guy get hit with a banjo once, and he went down!
Red: Hitting a guy with a banjo is dirty. [to Eric] You can hit him in the groin.
Bob: You can hit him in the groin with a banjo.

Water Tower [1.21][edit]

Eric: Gentlemen, we have finally done it. A pot leaf on the water tower!
Fez: This is the proudest moment of my life.
Hyde: It doesn't look like a pot leaf.
Kelso: What?
Hyde: It looks like a hand giving the finger.
Kelso: It doesn't have to look perfect, Hyde, it's art.
Hyde: Get up and make it better!
Kelso: Fine!
[Kelso gets up on the railing and takes the paint brush.]
Hyde: Just make it wider. Yeah, right up there. Out further, though. Yeah, right up there-[Kelso leans to the right and falls off the water tower.]
Jackie: [Gasps] Oh, my God! Michael! [Branches snapping; thud.]
Hyde: Hey, Kelso!
Kelso: [weakly] Yeah?
Hyde: How's it look from down there?
Kelso: It looks like it's giving me the finger!

Hyde: Okay, All right. Do you remember that time when I was climbing your fence and I hit my forehead on that tree branch and I fell into your yard and your dog Yogi came out of the house and bit me twice in the ass?
Kelso: [laughing] Yeah, you bled and you cried.
Hyde: I bled. I didn't cry.
Kelso: Yeah, you did. You bled and you cried.
Hyde: And you laughed, man, a lot. While I was bleeding! You see my point?
Kelso: Yeah, it's funny when friends get hurt.
Hyde: Close enough.

Red: Are you on dope? Are you?
Kitty: Because, because, we can help get you clean. There's counseling, hospitalization—
Red: My foot kicking your ass.

Punk Chick [1.22][edit]

Eric: Do you know how many cool guys live in New York? There's like... Lou Reed, man!

[Kitty and Red are trying to talk Hyde out of going to New York]
Red: We don't think that you should go.
Kitty: New York is a dangerous place.
Red: A young man today needs a high school diploma.
Kitty: In New York, you get mugged for no good reason.
Red: Do you have any idea what the job market is like?
Kitty: The people are rude. And you have feelings.
Red: Without that sheepskin, you are nothing. And not the kind of nothing that you are now. An even lower, more pathetic nothing.
Kitty: They spit. That's right, they spit!
Red: What're you gonna put on your resume? "Dumbass"?
Hyde: I'm not afraid of anything and I'm going!
Red: Well, that didn't go that great. Way to go, Kitty.

Grandma's Dead [1.23][edit]

Eric: I killed her. She was old, and the shock of her grandson telling her that she was nasty killed her.
Donna: Have you talked to Red about this?
Eric: I'm not talking to my dad about this. Do you remember how angry he got when I didn't rake the yard? This is like, twice as bad!

[Hyde walks into the basement.]
Hyde: Forman. Let's go get wasted.
[Eric points at Hyde, as to prove a point.]
Donna: [exasperated] Great!
Eric: See? Hyde's a real friend. He's gonna help me get through my grandma's death.
Hyde: [frowns] Your grandma's dead? Oh, man... Let's go get wasted.

[Hyde has been helping Eric and Red go through boxes of Grandma's belongings, and has found old photography supplies; Red explains that his father had been an amateur photographer.]
Hyde: Hey, Forman. Got any naked pictures of your grandma?
Eric: [shocked and angry] NO!
Hyde: [laughing maniacally, hands him the box] Well, you do now!!

Hyde Moves In [1.24][edit]

Red: Eric, didn't I tell you to wash up for dinner? I know, it's difficult to hear with your head up your ass.

Red: Pork chops? I thought we agreed to stick to a budget! Pork chops aren't cheap!
Kitty: Well, you know, on the way to the market, I tried to run over a cat. But they are just so darn speedy!

The Good Son [1.25][edit]

Donna: So, my parents are, like, fighting all the time, and they want me to choose sides. But I can't, because they're both idiots.

Donna: Excuse me, Jackie, when exactly did you lose your soul?
Jackie: Um, cheerleading camp.
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