That '70s Show (season 1)
The following is a list of quotes from the first season That '70s Show.
- 1 That '70s Pilot [1.1]
- 2 Eric's Birthday [1.2]
- 3 Streaking [1.3]
- 4 Battle of the Sexists [1.4]
- 5 Eric's Burger Job [1.5]
- 6 The Keg [1.6]
- 7 That Disco Episode [1.7]
- 8 Drive-In [1.8]
- 9 Thanksgiving [1.9]
- 10 Sunday, Bloody Sunday [1.10]
- 11 Eric's Buddy [1.11]
- 12 The Best Christmas Ever [1.12]
- 13 Ski Trip [1.13]
- 14 Stolen Car [1.14]
- 15 That Wrestling Show [1.15]
- 16 The First Date [1.16]
- 17 The Pill [1.17]
- 18 Career Day [1.18]
- 19 Prom Night [1.19]
- 20 A New Hope [1.20]
- 21 Water Tower [1.21]
- 22 Punk Chick [1.22]
- 23 Grandma's Dead [1.23]
- 24 Hyde Moves In [1.24]
- 25 The Good Son [1.25]
That '70s Pilot [1.1]
- Fez: I may not say this right because I am new to English, but she has tremendous breasts, yes?
- Jackie: Michael, who is this guy?
- Kelso: Oh, that's Fez. He's the foreign exchange student.
- Jackie: What did we exchange for him?
- Kitty: A car is not a bedroom on wheels.
Eric's Birthday [1.2]
- Fez: [seeing Laurie] Holy Mother!
- Kelso: Hello Laurie.
- Laurie: Hello Kelso, Hyde.
- Fez: Who is the goddess?
- Kelso: The goddess is Eric's sister.
- Hyde: She's not a goddess, she's more the earth mother whore type, which works for me.
- Red: So, how's your friend Janice?
- Laurie: Pregnant.
- Kitty: Oh, she was such a nice girl, how does that happen?
- Eric: Well, first the egg travels down the fallopian tube to the uterus where it attaches to the wall...
- Red: Eric, for God's sakes, that's no language for a woman to hear!
- Laurie: It's okay Red, I know what a fallopian tube is. I think Mom does too.
- Red: Eric, say that your job was sent to a plant in Guatela-who-the-hell cares. Now, are you gonna vote for the guy that let that happen?
- Kitty: Red, President Ford didn't take your job, he took Nixon's.
- Red: Eric, we're waiting!
- Eric: Uh, well, I believe that everyone's political opinion is valid and worth hearing.
- Red: Well, that's, that's perfect Eric. Use that line when you're up for Miss America.
- [At the Ford campaign rally, Red stammers, but recovers after seeing a masked Eric streak]
- Red: Hey Gerry, here's my question: How the hell could you pardon Nixon?
Battle of the Sexists [1.4]
- Jackie: I'm waiting.
- Hyde: Just say it and she'll go home.
- Eric: Fine. [pause] You know, you're right, Jackie, the Fonz could beat up Bruce Lee. [winces]
- Jackie: Thank you!
- [The guys have been talking about women and their physical features, but whenever Red walks by, they switch to talking about the Bible.]
- Kelso: Geez, if [Red]'s like this now, he's going to be a total headcase when they shut down the plant. He's just going to be this pathetic guy...
- [Red walks in]
- Kelso: [loudly]: ...with breasts the size of watermelons! [pauses] ...Is what Moses said to the Egyptians.
- Red: Kelso, go home.
Eric's Burger Job [1.5]
- Ricky: Tell me, what do you consider your best quality?
- Eric: Well, I'm a real people person.
- Hyde: I don't answer stupid questions.
- Fez: I speak Dutch.
- Kelso: My eyes. Oh, and I guess my butt, too.
- Ricky: Where do you see yourself in five years?
- Eric: Fatso Burger.
- Fez: Covered in gold chains.
- Kelso: Rock star. No, movie star. No. Yeah, rock star.
- Hyde: Prison.
The Keg [1.6]
- Eric: Yeah, we'll throw a party, charge two bucks a head.
- Kelso: [quickly] Two bucks a head. A keg is equivalent to seven cases; that’s 168 beers. If we each drink three beers apiece...
- Hyde: No way. Sophomores gonna drink one, maybe.
- Kelso: True.
- Hyde: Yeah, and the freshman, he's gonna drink a half.
- Kelso: So that averages out to 1.5 beers per person, which means we can invite 112 people, and that’s 224 bucks.
- Hyde: Cash.
- Kelso: Which is...
- Kelso and Hyde: Decent!
- [Red and Bob are investigating the wine store when a kid tries to snitch on the party]
- Sleazy Kid: You know, I may have heard something about a party? Can't recall, but maybe ... Andrew Jackson could remind me?
- Bob: Andrew Jackson, huh? [Counts dollar bills] He's not in, but Abe Lincoln is hanging out with the Washington twins. I suppose they have knowledge of the festivities? [Red suddenly grabs the money]
- Red: So, a real wisenheimer, huh. Well, let's see how smart you are when I [gets closer to kid] SNAP OFF YOUR HEAD!
- Sleazy Kid: Okay, okay, man! They said something about a ... a vacant house on Sherman.
- Bob: I know that place. It's the vacant house on Sherman.
- Red: Good work, Starsky. Let's roll.
That Disco Episode [1.7]
- [Donna and Eric talk about the gang's disco date]
- Eric: Donna, I hate dancing.
- Donna: Why did you go?
- Eric: I like you.
- Donna: So... you're in like with me?
- [The guys are smoking in the basement]
- Kelso: I went to the mall today... and I bought a pair of new shoes [pause] and they're the coolest kicks in the cave.
- Fez: I am telling you. I heard it. The devil is singing backwards on the record.
- Hyde: It's not the devil, man! It's Congress. They passed a secret law to put backward messages in our records, man! They wanna kill rock 'n roll because they know it makes us horny, man!
- Eric: Doesn't pretty much everything make us horny?
- Kelso: Cartoons make me horny! Oh, and food!
- Jackie: I understand. Everybody wants their first makeout to be special, in some place romantic like Ireland or Disney World.
- [Donna leaves after finding out that Eric kissed Laurie's friend, Kate]
- Hyde: Hey Donna, you wanna talk?
- Kelso: I guess she didn't take it well.
- Red: Take what well? [looks at Kelso]
- Kelso: [smiles] Eric made out with Kate.
- Red: Anything else?
- Fez: Your son is a whore!
- [Red berates Eric over kissing Kate]
- Red: Donna's such a sweet kid. How could you do this to her?
- Eric: I don't know. It's like bad things always happen to me, like I have bad luck or something.
- Red: [slowly] Son, you don't have bad luck. The reason bad things happen to you ... is because you're a dumbass. Now fix it!
Sunday, Bloody Sunday [1.10]
- Donna: [to Jackie and Kelso] Finally! Where have you guys been?
- Kelso: We had to look for the paper, and eat... and then some stuff happened, you know.
- Eric: Your shirt's on inside-out.
- Kelso: Yeah, that's the stuff.
- Hyde: The three true branches of the government are: military, corporate and Hollywood.
Eric's Buddy [1.11]
- Kelso: I miss Eric.
- Jackie: Well, you still have me.
- Kelso: It's not the same, Jackie! I can talk to Eric about things that... that I can't talk about with you.
- Jackie: OK, well like what?
- Kelso: Well, for instance, the annoying things that you do.
- Jackie: MICHAEL!
- Kelso: See, I can't talk to you.
- Frank: Number 10, your order is ready.
- Kelso: Yeah, I'll be right there.
- Frank: Number 10, I have limited counter space. Please remove your hot dog.
- Kelso: Al-right! I don't see why you can't just serve us our food Frank! We are paying customers, you know!
- Frank: Hey, I did not lose a leg in Vietnam, so that I could serve hot dogs to teenagers.
- Kelso: You have both your legs Frank...
- Frank: Like I said, I did not lose a leg in Vietnam.
The Best Christmas Ever [1.12]
- Eric: Ah, come on, Hyde, did you have to write your name in the snow so close to the tree?
- Kitty: So, Laurie, who are you seeing up at the college?
- Laurie: Oh, I like to date around.
- Eric: [coughs] Slut!
- Kitty: Bless you.
- Eric: Thanks, Mom.
Ski Trip [1.13]
- [Kelso hitches a ride on a truck.]
- Gus: Well, hello there!
- Kelso: Hey, thanks for stopping. Are you going all the way to Alpine Valley?
- Gus: Oh, I’m going... wherever you’re going!
- Kelso: Wow, that’s lucky!
- Gus: So, did it hurt?
- Kelso: What?
- Gus: When you fell down from heaven!
- Kelso: No, I’m fine!
- Fez: I love the snow! I am a winter nymph! I love America! [passes out]
Stolen Car [1.14]
- Eric: [sitting in a jail cell] We're not all in trouble here. [to Kelso] Your parents have seven kids. They won't even notice you're gone. [to Fez] Your parents don't even live in this country. [to Hyde] And your mom? Probably one cell over.
- Red: Responsible people don't go around getting their nipples twisted.
- Eric: See, when you say it, it just sounds weird
That Wrestling Show [1.15]
- Red: I can't be friends with Eric. He's too... twitchy.
- [Red and Eric visit Rocky Johnson in his locker room]
- Red: I wonder if you'd mind giving my son an autograph.
- Manager: [cuts off Red] No, no autographs.
- Red: Look, I might be the only guy in here who's actually killed a man.
- Manager: Give the kid an autograph and then no more autographs.
- Rocky Johnson: You know that's really nice, bringing your kid to a wrestling match. You know what, I got a son, and one day he's gonna become The Most Electrifying Man in Sports Entertainment!
- Red: Yeah, well, good luck with that. Uh, wanna make that out to Red Forman.
- Eric: No, no, I don't think so. It's Eric Forman, capital E-R-I-C.
- Red: Yeah but see, his nickname is Red.
- Eric: No, it's not.
- Red: Stop kidding around, Red.
The First Date [1.16]
- Red: Damn good thing I went with him. He wanted to buy a leisure suit.
- Eric: Come on, Dad. Leisure suits are cool. Everybody wears them.
- Red: Leisure suits are for dumbasses. Believe me.
- [Bob walks in wearing a leisure suit]
- Jackie: I can't believe you, Michael.
- Kelso: What?
- Jackie: You can't just maul me in front of my father!
- Kelso: I bet he didn't even notice.
- Jackie: He yelled at you to stop it.
- Kelso: I thought he was yelling at you.
The Pill [1.17]
- Eric: Sorry I was late. We Were at the Hub and then I had to drive everyone home and then Kelso says...
- Red: Bla Bla Bla, You're late. Be responsible for your own actions.
- Kelso: [Very angry] That's Real easy for you to say, Pal! [Leaves]
- Red: That kid's on dope.
- Eric: I had a nice discussion with Red and Kitty about foreplay.
- Donna: I'm sorry.
- Eric: Yeah, me too.
Career Day [1.18]
- Fez: Oh, I am so excited to be in the food service industry. May I cut the cheese?
Prom Night [1.19]
- Kelso: Guys, guess who's taking Pam Macey to the prom?
- Hyde: Anyone with a quarter?
- Kelso: NO, ME!
- Fez: Damn, and I had a quarter.
- Jackie: Well, I have a date too.
- Kelso: Who is he? What's his name?
- Jackie: His name is... not important. What's important is, he's better than you, in every conceivable way.
- Kelso: Damn, Jackie, that could be anybody!
A New Hope [1.20]
- [The guys are heading to the nearest cinema to watch Star Wars: A New Hope]
- Fez: I'm so excited about Star Whores.
- Hyde: Fez man, it's Star Wars.
- Fez: Screw that.
- Hyde: Hey, Forman, man, this thing better be good. If I don't see some space jugs, I'm going to be super pissed.
- Eric: Oh, hey, guys, I heard it was okay.
- Kelso: Well, there is no way it's better than the Planet of the Apes. I mean, those apes were really good actors.
- [Eric seeks advice from Red and Bob about fighting David because he is hitting on Donna]
- Red: The bridge of the nose, it's very vulnerable.
- Bob: Oh, and hit him with a banjo.
- Red: [exasperated] A banjo, Bob?
- Bob: Yeah.
- Red: Where is he gonna get a banjo?
- Bob: I don't know. But I saw a guy get hit with a banjo once, and he went down!
- Red: Hitting a guy with a banjo is dirty. [to Eric] You can hit him in the groin.
- Bob: You can hit him in the groin with a banjo.
Water Tower [1.21]
- Eric: Gentlemen, we have finally done it. A pot leaf on the water tower!
- Fez: This is the proudest moment of my life.
- Hyde: It doesn't look like a pot leaf.
- Kelso: What?
- Hyde: It looks like a hand giving the finger.
- Kelso: It doesn't have to look perfect, Hyde, it's art.
- Hyde: Get up and make it better!
- Kelso: Fine!
- [Kelso gets up on the railing and takes the paint brush.]
- Hyde: Just make it wider. Yeah, right up there. Out further, though. Yeah, right up there-[Kelso leans to the right and falls off the water tower.]
- Jackie: [Gasps] Oh, my God! Michael! [Branches snapping; thud.]
- Hyde: Hey, Kelso!
- Kelso: [weakly] Yeah?
- Hyde: How's it look from down there?
- Kelso: It looks like it's giving me the finger!
- Hyde: Okay, All right. Do you remember that time when I was climbing your fence and I hit my forehead on that tree branch and I fell into your yard and your dog Yogi came out of the house and bit me twice in the ass?
- Kelso: [laughing] Yeah, you bled and you cried.
- Hyde: I bled. I didn't cry.
- Kelso: Yeah, you did. You bled and you cried.
- Hyde: And you laughed, man, A lot While I was bleeding! You see my point?
- Kelso: Yeah, it's funny when friends get hurt.
- Hyde: Close enough.
- Red: Are you on dope? Are you?
- Kitty: Because, because, we can help get you clean. There's counseling, hospitalization—
- Red: My foot kicking your ass.
Punk Chick [1.22]
- [Kitty and Red are trying to talk Hyde out of going to New York]
- Red: We don't think that you should go.
- Kitty: New York is a dangerous place.
- Red: A young man today needs a high school diploma.
- Kitty: In New York, you get mugged for no good reason.
- Red: Do you have any idea what the job market is like?
- Kitty: The people are rude. And you have feelings.
- Red: Without that sheepskin, you are nothing. And not the kind of nothing that you are now. An even lower, more pathetic nothing.
- Kitty: They spit. That's right, they spit!
- Red: What're you gonna put on your resume? "Dumbass"?
- Hyde: I'm not afraid of anything and I'm going!
- Red: Well, that didn't go that great. Way to go, Kitty.
Grandma's Dead [1.23]
- Eric: I killed her. She was old, and the shock of her grandson telling her that she was nasty killed her.
- Donna: Have you talked to Red about this?
- Eric: I'm not talking to my dad about this. Do you remember how angry he got when I didn't rake the yard? This is like, twice as bad!
- [Hyde walks into the basement.]
- Hyde: Forman. Let's go get wasted.
- [Eric points at Hyde, as to prove a point.]
- Donna: [exasperated] Great!
- Eric: See? Hyde's a real friend. He's gonna help me get through my grandma's death.
- Hyde: [frowns] Your grandma's dead? Oh, man... Let's go get wasted.
Hyde Moves In [1.24]
- Red: Eric, didn't I tell you to wash up for dinner? I know, it's difficult to hear with your head up your ass.
- Red: Pork chops? I thought we agreed to stick to a budget! Pork chops aren't cheap!
- Kitty: Well, you know, on the way to the market, I tried to run over a cat. But they are just so darn speedy!
The Good Son [1.25]
- Donna: So, my parents are, like, fighting all the time, and they want me to choose sides. But I can't, because they're both idiots.
- Donna: Excuse me, Jackie, when exactly did you lose your soul?
- Jackie: Um, cheerleading camp.