That '70s Show (season 3)

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That '70s Show (1998–2006) is an American television sitcom centered on the lives of a group of teenagers living in the fictional town of Point Place, Wisconsin during the late 1970s.

Reefer Madness [3.1][edit]

Red: [After finding out about Hyde being on probation] Probation? Well, isn't that just ducky? You know how Russia treats their criminals? First offense, five years in Siberia! Second offense, ten years! Believe you me, there is no third offense!

Red: I'm cracking down. And I'm cracking down hard! Starting right now, fun time is over! [stalks out of the kitchen]
Eric: So where was I for fun time?

[Flashback]
Young Eric: I am so baked! I think. No, yeah I am...I think.
Young Kelso: You know guys, I've been living my life all wrong. All I ever thought about was school. Studying, reading, homework...well, that's over! Thanks, Hyde.
Young Hyde: Hey, man, don't thank me. Thank my mom. If she hadn't have passed out, I couldn't have raided her stash.
Young Kelso: You have the best mom ever!
Young Eric: Hey guys, you know what? Yesterday, I was wrestling with Donna, and I felt her boob! It was beautiful...and squishy.
Young Kelso: Squishy. Hey guys! I had this dream that I was kissing my English teacher. And when I woke up, I was stuck to my bed. [chuckles]
Young Hyde: Kelso, man, that's not normal. You could die. ...Hey, isn't your English teacher a guy?
Young Kelso: Yeah. ...No, I meant my Spanish teacher. She's a girl. Man, what's in this stuff?
Young Eric: Hey guys. I'm having the best time ever. I think. No, yeah I am.

Red Sees Red [3.2][edit]

[while family is watching The Brady Bunch]
Eric: Yeah, I love the Bradys. Oh, remember that episode where Mr. Brady went completely insane and put bells on all the doors?
Red: Hey, did you see the one where Greg was a real wise ass and Mr. Brady took him outside and cleaned his clock?
Laurie: Did you ever see the one where I hated living here?
Hyde: That's my favorite.

Eric and Hyde: [to Shirley Jones] Hi, Mom!
Kitty: Mom?
Shirley Jones: That's right, Kitty.
Eric: We’re Partridges now!
Hyde: This is gonna be great! I’m pretty sure I can nail Susan Dey!
Kitty: No! Partridges? You can’t live in a bus! There’s no toilet!

[Eric finds Donna in his bedroom after Red bans his friends from the house]
Donna: Surprise!
Eric: This is so great. I didn't know you delivered! [he and Donna start making out]
Red: [knocks on Eric's door] Bed check, dumbass.
Eric: Holy crap!
[Donna hides behind the door as Red and Kitty enter]
Kitty: No, it is not a bed check! We just wanna say, "Good night." And we love you very much. [to Red] What are you doing?
Red: Oh, just nailing his window shut. It's for his own good!
Eric: What if there's a fire?
Red: Well, then I guess you can just light your dope with it, dope-head.
[Donna runs out of Eric's bedroom and into Laurie's; she sees Laurie and Kelso making out]
Laurie: Donna! Get out!
Kelso: Whoa, not so fast, Laurie.
Donna and Laurie slap Kelso]
Donna: You idiot! Red's doing bed checks.
Red: [knocks on Laurie's door] Bed checks!
[Donna and Kelso hide under the bed while Laurie pretends to pray]
Laurie: And bless Mommy, and bless Daddy, and bless Grandma... Oh, hi, Daddy.
Red: Sorry to bother you, kitten.
[Red and Kitty leave]
Donna: Kelso, get your hand off my ass!
Kelso: It was an accident.
Donna: It's still there!
Kelso: It's still an accident!
Donna: Kelso, it's still there!
Kelso: ...Yeah.

Red: You hear that?
Kitty: I don't hear anything.
Red: That's right. Nothing. That's the sound of discipline.
Kitty: No, that's the sound of jail. This house used to be fun until you made it miserable.
Red: Well, I'm sorry Kitty, but I think it's working.
[Kitty notices the gang sneaking out of the garage and pushing Eric's car]
Kitty: Oh, you do?
Red: Yes, I do.
Kitty: Oh, you do.
Red: I just said I did.
Kitty: Red. [opens sliding glass door]
Red: OH, HELL'S BELLS!
Kelso: It's Red! RUN FOR IT! [runs away]
Laurie: Daddy, thank God you came! They were kidnapping me!

Hyde's Father [3.3][edit]

[The guys enter a bar]
Eric: All right. They didn't even check our fake IDs.
Fez: And I wasted a whole day thinking up my fake name.
Hyde: Yeah. Sorry, "Pez." Let's drink.
Bud: So, fellas, school let out early?
Kelso: Yeah. We're just....
Eric: Kelso, shut up!
Kelso: Uh, I mean, no. No, we're old. We're workers. We're all construction workers. Hey, fellas, did you see that brick today? Whoo!
Bud: Relax, guys. It's "Serve a Minor Night" at the old "Don't Have a Liquor License" Saloon [to Hyde] You look familiar. Do I know you?
Hyde: I should hope so...Dad. [Kelso, Eric, and Fez are aghast]

Laurie: Oh, Steven. Are you finally tired of freeloading?
Kitty: Can it, Laurie.
Laurie: All I'm saying is Daddy works really hard and nothing here is cheap.
Eric: Except you.
Laurie: Believe me. I'm not cheap.
Eric: Fine. Free, whatever.

[Eric and Donna are making out in his bed, but Donna discovers an issue of PlayPen on the floor]
Donna: You keep a stack of dirty magazines under your bed? [gets up to look under his bed]
Eric: What? No! God, not a stack. You know, what is a "stack" really?
Donna: Why do you have these down here?
Eric: Now, wait, Donna...downstairs you were laughing and cracking jokes about this stuff.
Donna: Eric, that was in the basement...with our idiotic friends. Why do you need them? Aren't I enough? [throws the magazines at him]
Eric: No-Yeah, you're enough. God, you're...you're plenty. It's just, uh, that, uh... you see, Donna, you see, what I do with dirty magazines... is... really only interesting to me.... with the reading of the articles and the solving of the puzzles and whatnot.
Donna: You know what? I don't wanna know bout the whatnot. I'm outta here [leaves room]
Eric: [to magazines] Oh, no, girls. She's onto us.

Donna: Okay, I can't believe I'm asking you guys this, but if any of you losers had a girlfriend, would you still look at those magazines?
Kelso: Hey. I had two girlfriends. And a little action on the side. And I still looked at those magazines.
Hyde: You had action on the side? Who?
Kelso: Oh, you don't know her. She went to Sacred Heart.
Donna: Okay. Anybody here have an opinion who's not a skeevy pig?
Fez: I'm glad you asked, Donna. If I had Jackie, I would never look at those magazines...unless she's on the phone. Or went shopping, or...took a short nap.
Hyde: Look, Donna. This is just the way guys are, okay? I mean if Forman was actually dating the...the "Naughty Campus Co-eds," he'd be locked in a bathroom looking at naked pictures of you.
Kelso: He's right. So...are there naked pictures of you?
[Donna tackles Kelso and starts wrestling him]
Kelso: OW! My leg!
Hyde: Hey, knee him in the groin! OH MY GOD, SHE DID IT!

Too Old to Trick or Treat, Too Young to Die [3.4][edit]

[The gang think of ways on how to spend their Halloween. Kelso has an idea.]
Kelso: You know what would be fun? If we were in an Alfred Hitchcock movie right now, and we didn’t know it. And then, someone one told us and we were all like, “Oh man! I’m in a movie!" [Hyde, Kelso, Donna, Eric, Jackie, and Fez individually give surprised looks to the camera]
Donna: Yeah, ok, I’m out of here.
Eric: Wait, but I thought we-
Donna: GET BENT!
Eric: Ok, I’ll do that.

[A man goes up to a dark room in the Formans' house, where Fez is. He tries to scare off the man using a camera's flash, but Hyde opens the light. The mysterious man is actually Bob.]
Fez: You can’t kill me like you killed Midge, you big doofy!
Bob: Kill Midge? I didn’t kill Midge. She’s in Chicago visiting her sister.
Fez: Oh, really. Then what was in the heavy garbage sacks?
Bob: Garbage, you idiot.
Hyde: Oh, well I guess that explains the giant knife, the guts all over your apron. Oh, wait, no it doesn’t!
Fez: Explain that, killer!
Bob: They were pumpkin guts. I was making Jack-o’-lanterns.
Fez: So, you’re hiding Midge’s body in a jack-o’-lantern. Clever plan.
Bob: [walks over to the window] Look, there’s Midge now. Not dead or nothing. [Fez sees Midge getting undressed]
Fez: Oh goody! You can go now.
Bob: Midgey! No! Cover yourself!

Roller Disco [3.5][edit]

[Fez and Jackie await the results of the Roller Disco competition with Donna and Kelso, who is not pleased]
Announcer: And the winner of Kenosha's Annual Roller Disco Doo-dah is...Jackie Burkhart and...
Donna and Jackie: Oh, my God! [Jackie hugs Fez]
Announcer: Friend.
Kelso: Fix! Fix!
Jackie: I can't believe it! I'm so sorry I doubted you. You...You are my hero...My...my hunky, sexy, foreign skating hero!
Fez: And you are my...my spoiled, whiny skating princess.
Jackie: Oh, Fez, thank you! [a tournament assistant gives them champagne] Yaaaay, champagne! Yaaay!
Kelso: Yaaaay! Yaaay! [rubs Jackie's back]
Jackie: [Shakes off Kelso] Get off me. Kelso, you booed us the entire time.
Kelso: What? No! That was some rude guy. So I popped him one, and then I was goin', "Ooh," because I hurt my hand when I popped the rude guy. So... you're welcome. You wanna kiss it?
Jackie: Let's go, Fez [they leave]
Donna: Hmm. Come on, Kelso. Look at the bright side.
Kelso: What's the bright side?
Donna: The bright side is there isn't one. Fez has Jackie, and you have to squeeze out that marble.

[Red and Eric are summoned to testify about Earl's wrongful termination suit against Red]
Eric: I guess "violent" is the wrong word... but, you know, it's definitely some kind of rage. Although, I mean, you know, Earl had it coming. I love you, Daddy.
Earl: [enters room panting] Oh, hey. Sorry I'm late.
Mediator: Hour and 10 minutes late. I can only assume you're Earl.
Earl: Yeah. So, um, sorry. My, uh, dog got hit by a...a guy in a....
Red: Car?
Earl: Thanks, Red. So, what'd I miss?
Mediator: You missed everything. Okay. I'm not gonna lie. Mr. Forman, you...you scare the living hell out of me. No offense.
Red: None taken.
Eric: That's kind of his thing.
Mediator: But, Earl, in light of your failure to show up for your own hearing... we have no choice but to rule in favor of Mr. Forman.
Red: Yes, sir!
Eric: Way to go, Dad!
Earl: Damn... dog.
Mediator: And Mr. Forman, even though this hearing did go your way today...in light of some of your son's responses... I would strongly encourage you to go to anger management classes.
Red: Sure, I'll...I'll do that [Mediator leaves with Earl close behind]
Eric: Neat! Anger management. That sounds like it could be kind of fun, right? We...We won. Hey! You and me...We're such a good team. Whoo-hoo-hoo! Yeah. We did it. How about us, huh? Stickin' it to the man.
Red: [obviously angry] I'll see you at home. [leaves room]
Eric: Wait. But, Dad, we...we drove here together!

Eric's Panties [3.6][edit]

Red: [reacting to what Kitty cooked for him in light of his health problems] This isn’t food – this is what food eats!

Eric: Man, Donna saw Shelly practically living in my lap. How could she not be jealous? [sprays whipped cream in his mouth] I'm hot!
Fez: It's because you are decent, good-hearted, and pure. You know, that's easy.
Hyde: Forman, I think what we need here is some input from Tater Nuts. Tater Nuts! What do you think, Tater Nuts? [sprays whipped cream in his mouth]
Kelso: Eric, this—hey! Stop calling me Tater Nuts!! If Donna's not jealous, it means...basically, you're in the free and clear. She's giving you the OK to cheat! You gotta cheat!
Eric: Hmmm... Tater Nuts makes sense.
Kelso: [throws whipped cream at Eric] QUIT IT!
Eric: I mean...I could be with Shelly right now if I wanted to. So...why shouldn't I? [sprays whipped cream in his mouth]
Fez: Because then you will have two women when some people have none!
Hyde: Forget it, Forman. You're not a cheater. You know, a wise man once said, "Know thyself." That man's name...was Tater Nuts.
Kelso: ...I gotta be honest with you guys, OK? I...I do shave my legs. I just... I just like the way it feels! [the guys pelt him with whipped cream and other random stuff] Come on, now!

Midge: Jackie, why is Donna gonna beat up Eric?
Jackie: Donna found another woman's panties in the Vista Cruiser.
Midge: [gasps]
Jackie: I know, right? Eric's cheating on her.
Midge: Jackie, those panties were mine!
Jackie: You and Eric?
Midge: No! Me and... Geez, you're dumb!

Shelly: Doesn't your girlfriend mind you spending so much time with me?
Eric: Well, no. Apparently, she's thrilled about it.
Shelly: Well, she's crazy. Because if I was your girlfriend, I would wanna kiss you all the time.
Eric: Really?
[Shelly kisses Eric]
Eric: Whoa! Hey, come on, lady! I'm spoken for! Wow!
[Kelso and Fez run into the Hub]
Kelso: Hey, did we miss anything?
Eric: What? God, no! You didn't miss anything!
[The guys see Donna walk inside]
Kelso: Alright, people! Let's back up! Give 'em some room here!
Eric: Hey, Donna. Hi, hello.
Donna: Don't "Hey, Donna. Hi, hello," me! I trusted you, and you cheated on me with this slut!
Eric: Donna, I don't think...
Shelly: Excuse me?!
Donna: Yeah, I said it. You want some of this? Come on!
Eric: Donna, hey, whatever you think happened...
Donna: I know what happened. [holds up panties] I found these in your car!
Eric: Panties?
Fez: Aha! So he admits they are panties.
Donna: Hey, next time you fool around with someone else's boyfriend, why don't you take your panties when you're done?!
Shelly: Those aren't mine! Mine are white, and cotton, with a little pink rose on the front.
[Eric, Fez, and Kelso visualize the panties before Donna snaps them out of the daydream]
Donna: So these are some other girl's panties?!
Kelso: Whoa-whoa-whoa. No offense, Donna-- [to Eric] but dude, you're on fire!
Shelly: You know what, Eric? I don't need this. [walks out of the Hub, but looks back at Eric] Oh, and by the way, your car smells like cheese.
Eric: Donna, look, you have to believe me, I have no idea whose panties those are.
Midge: [walks in] Donna! [takes the panties] Those panties are mine.
Kelso: ERIC!! OH! OH...[kneels together with Fez and 'worships' him] YOU ARE A GOD! [raises arms again] A GOD, I SAY!
Donna: [sets Midge aside] Mom, why were your panties in the Vista Cruiser?
Fez: [interrupts Midge] And please be specific.
Midge: Donna, when you've been together as long as your father and I have, you need to do creative things in creative places. [Kelso and Fez stand up, cringing at the thought]

Baby Fever [3.7][edit]

Kitty: Look what I've got!
Laurie: Ew. What's that?
Kitty: That is Marissa. Carol's baby. And you promised me last night that you'd babysit her.
Laurie: Last night? But I was drunk. Why can't you do it?
Kitty: Because you promised. And besides your father and I are having fondue and Parcheesi at the Pinciottis'.
Red: Oh? Then I'll do it.
Kitty: No. Laurie can watch this baby tonight.
Eric: Oh, look Laurie, a baby. And just in time for your Black Mass!
Red: Eric, what did I tell you about calling your sister the devil?
Eric: That it's offensive to the devil?

[Since Jackie crashed Kelso's van, Kelso demands an accounting of all expenses incurred during their relationship. Hyde writes down the expenses.]
Hyde: All right. All right. Jackie... in your opinion, what are the goods and services that Kelso owes you for?
Jackie: Everything. He was a total doofus before I met him. In fact, I bought you that belt. So hand it over. And the shirt too.
Kelso: Fine. You know, this shirt has bad memories of you buying me stuff anyway [starts to take off his shirt]
Fez: Here. Let me do the math. Okay. Now, Kelso...Uh, Kelso owes Jackie the price for breaking her beautiful heart... and stealing her innocence. Now, Kelso, what do you believe Jackie owes you?
Kelso: Well- Uh-W- One time I told her that she looked pretty when really she looked pretty skanky. And...and....Hyde, help me out here.
Hyde: Okay. Let me think. Oh. Don't forget he burned your house.
Kelso: Hyde.
Hyde: Dude, you burned her house.

Donna: So it turns out my super-sensitive guy boyfriend wants me to be a baby machine. [scoffs] What a dill-hole.
Eric: Donna, I'm sitting right here.
Donna: That's why I said it, you dill-hole!
Eric: Donna, the only reason I thought you'd stay home with the babies is because only every woman has done it for the entire history of time. So, don't be mad at me. Be mad at your...foremothers. ...Yeah.
Jackie: That is so typical. As if every woman wants to spend her life as a pampered housewife, raising kids and organizing the help. ...Wait, isn't that what every woman wants?
Hyde: Donna, man, Forman's just limited by his experiences. As the voice of a new generation of smart, independent women, you need to make this dill-hole realize that a mind and spirit like yours has more options than your mothers had.
Donna: Yeah. ...Sorry what?

Jackie Bags Hyde [3.8][edit]

Hyde: Look, I told you again and again, I have no interest in you and you don't have a chance. And yet you keep thinking that I have an interest in you and you have a chance.
Jackie: Wait! Did you just say that you're interested in me and that I have a chance?
Hyde: Okay, you know what: you forced me to do this. I'm gonna explain my feelings to you through a highly disciplined form of Japanese poetry: Haiku.
My heart aches with pain. [Jackie smiles]
When I see you, I vomit. [Jackie's smile drops, looking stunned]
Die away from me.
Donna: [enjoying herself from the couch] Ouch!
Hyde: Sayonara. [goes to basement room]
Jackie: [stunned] Donna....never have 17 syllables hurt me so much. Why would he want to hurt me like that?
Donna: Because you're stalking him, Jackie.
Jackie: No, really, Donna!

[Red is making good progress with his barbecue war against Bob]
Kitty: Well, we've gone through three batches of Ambrosia salad.
Red: Three batches! Not since D-Day has there been such a complete and glorious victory. [laughs. Donna approaches] Oh uh, hi Donna.
Donna: Well I hope you're all happy, 'cause you ruined my Dad's barbecue. All he wanted was one more good day before everybody found out that his store was closing and he's going bankrupt.
Eric: [surprised] Wait? What?
Donna: Yeah, Bargain Bob's is closing this week so... congratulations. [walks away]
Eric: Oh my God, I feel so bad.
Red: Well you should, you ruined his barbecue. Why would you do that?
Eric: Wha...me? You coulda, you -
Red: Eric, for God's sakes, the man is almost a veteran.
Eric: Ok, fine. You know what. Fine, it's all my fault. But Dad you, you gotta make everyone here go next door.
Kitty: Eric, you're right. We have got to go over there. They are our neighbors, they are our best friends.
Red: Yeah, I suppose. [addresses guests] All right freeloaders, let's move it on over to Bob's! [everyone starts to leave] Eric, grab that keg.
Eric: Ok, I'm on it. [tries to carry but the keg wouldn't budge]

Hyde's Christmas Rager [3.9][edit]

[The guys play quarters at the Christmas party]
Kelso: I miss my funnel. [throws quarter and hits the glass] Eric, drink.
Hyde: OK, if I was Tattoo, and I lived on Fantasy Island, my fantasy would be to not be a midget. Am I right? [throws quarter and hits the glass] Hmmm. Eenie, meenie, miney, Forman.
Eric: You know, Hyde, at first I thought your dad was a real dirtbag. But I've come to realize that there's a fine line between dirtbag and Father of the Year! [throws quarter and hits the table] Damn!
Fez: Fellas, I have to be honest. I've never played quarters before, so I probably stink. [throws quarter and hits the glass] Oh, happy day! Eric.
Kelso: Man, this is the worst game in the world. I'm so thirsty. [throws quarter and hits the glass] Damn it! Eric, drink!
Hyde: I mean...he lives on Fantasy Island, man! And he's a midget! It's so obvious! [throws quarter and hits the glass] Hmmm. Mmmmm, Forman!
Eric: Does anyone else feel kinda woozy? [throws quarter and hits the table] Oh, what the hell, man?!
Fez: If I make this shot, I promise I will not pick you, Eric. [throws quarter and hits the glass] ...I pick you, Eric. It's fun to lie!

Eric: [staggering from the car] Kelso, it's fine. I'm not that drunk... I just can't walk or see... Man, that was a great party. You know who doesn't like parties? Red. [imitates Red] I'm Red. I don't like parties because I'm a big, bald party-pooper! [Red walks outside the house] Uh-Oh. [throws up on Red's shoes]
Red: Son of a bitch!
Kelso: [Looks at Eric's barf] Eric, when did you eat spaghetti?

[Eric is laying on the couch, hungover]
Eric: My head hurts.
Red: That's your brain trying to comprehend its own stupidity.
Kitty: [on Hyde's Dad] What kind of man leaves a bunch of kids alone with a keg?
Eric: A fun one?
Red: Hey, Jim Beam, can it.

Ice Shack [3.10][edit]

Donna: Ooh, it's kinda cold.
Eric: Here, take my jacket.
Donna: I love you.
Eric: God, we are such the... perfect couple.
Jackie: I'm cold, too.
Kelso: Well, damn, Jackie. I can't control the weather!

[Laurie is telling Red and Kitty what she plans to do with her life.]
Laurie: But now, I have found my passion: Hair!
Kitty: The musical?
Laurie: No! HAIR! [Laurie grabs a handful of her hair.]
Laurie: I'm going to beauty school!
Kitty: This isn't something you do through the mail, is it?
Laurie: No! It's a real school!
Kitty: Oh. Well... yay!
Red: Congratulations, sweetheart!
[Laurie leaves in excitement.]
Red: Well, Kitty, what do you think?
Kitty: Eh.
Red: Yeah.

Who Wants It More? [3.11][edit]

[At a party celebrating Red's 'death']
Kitty: Are you having fun?
Red: No. Turns out I was mistaken. Life is too short to spend it with people who annoy you. I just wanna spend it with people I really, really love. Like you and, uh...Well, mostly just you [taps glass] Everybody. [guests look at him] Thanks for being here. And I just wanna say...when my time comes, I want to be buried face down, so that anyone who doesn't like me can kiss my ass!
[Awkward silence.]
Kitty: [Laughs nervously]
[Everyone else laughs.]

[Donna and Eric are in his room, putting their clothes back on.]
Eric: Donna, I'm so glad you're my study partner. Because you make learning fun. [Laughs and kisses Donna.]
Donna: Okay, well, no more study breaks. We have to get this report done.
Eric: Alright, fine. Okay.
[Both walk over to his bed and pick up their stuff.]
Eric: Report on the current state of U.S.-Soviet relations. Okay, we need a title.
Donna: How 'bout... Current State of U.S.-Soviet Relations?
Eric: Damn, you're smart. [Writes title down on paper.] "U.S.-Soviet Relations". [Looks up at Donna; jumps on top of her and they start making out.]

Fez Gets The Girl [3.12][edit]

[Eric is trying to connect new speakers in his car]
Hyde: Where's the tunes, Forman?
Fez: I learned how to speak English faster than this.
Kelso: It's not real English if you speak it with a foreign accent.

Dine and Dash [3.13][edit]

[The gang is not pleased that Kelso's planning to bail on the check at the Vineyard.]
Jackie: Michael, I have never dined and dashed, and I'm not about to start now.
Kelso: Uh, well... Remember when we went to nice restaurants and I told you to wait in the car while I paid? Did you ever wonder why I was running to the car?
Jackie: Oh, my God. I'm a thief.
Hyde: I think technically you're an accessory.
Eric: Which should make you happy, because you love accessories, earrings, bracelets, bangles, bows...
Jackie: Shut up!

[Eric and Donna are giving the others "special" brownies to show that there are no hard feelings about the dine-and-dash.]
Hyde: Special brownies... Like the special kind of special?
Donna: The best kind of special.
[After Hyde, Fez, Jackie and Kelso eat the brownies]
Fez: Something's wrong. I don't feel special.
Jackie: Me, neither.
Hyde: Yeah. I don't think those were special brownies, man.
Eric: Oh, no, no. They're special. Say, Donna, do you have any more of that special ingredient we used?
Donna: Well, I certainly do, Eric. [brings out a box from a shirt pocket] Chocolate Super-Lax.

Radio Daze [3.14][edit]

[Red complains to the Fatso Burger manager, Ricky about the food served to him]
Ricky: May I help you, sir?
Red: Yeah. I wanna compliment you on one tasty, fried piece of shoe.
Ricky: Let me take care of this right now. Earl!
Red: Oh, no. Did you say Earl?
Ricky: Just one second.
Earl: [walk out of kitchen] Ricky, I'm glad you called me. I need to leave early for a - [sees Red] Oh. Hi, Red.
Ricky: You two know each other?
Earl: I used to work for Red. Then he fired me.
Ricky: Oh. Then he and I have something in common. You're fired!
Earl: What did I do?
Red: Hey, Bob. Job just opened up for you.

[Having been hired at WFPP, Donna is introduced to her new job by the manager, Max, when the DJ, Jerry Thunder, comes on air]
Jerry Thunder: Oh, yeah, this is Jerry Thunder [plays thunderclap sound effect] Coming to you on The Sound! And it looks like we got a new office girl. What's your name, baby?
Donna: [speaks to mic] Um, Donna.
Jerry: Mmm. Well, Donna, you are hot. So I'm gonna call you... Hot Donna.
Donna: Okay.
Jerry: You got yourself a boyfriend, Hot Donna?
Donna: [ignore Max' cutting gesture]Um... no.
Jerry: Mmm. That is good news, fellas. 'Cause Hot Donna is... hot!
Donna: Uhm Max, why'd you make me say that? 'Cause I have a boyfriend.
Max: Fine. You have a boyfriend. So does Elton John.
Donna: No way!
Max: Yeah! They're a fantastic couple. I love 'em. The point is... we're selling an image here... and an available Hot Donna is good for ratings.
Donna: Oh. Well, what the hell. Eric won't have a problem with this.
[Switch to Eric's basement]
Eric: What the hell? I have a problem with this!

Donna's Panties [3.15][edit]

Kitty: Oooh, look how cute you are. This is just like when you were five, and played make believe dinner. Only this time, it won't end by Donna sitting on Eric's face. [Awkward pause] OK.
[Kitty and Red start leaving]
Red: Kitty, that was bad.
Kitty: I know, keep walking.
[Kitty and Red finally leave]
Eric: Oh, good, and I thought this was going to be awkward.

Eric: It's Donna's fault. OK? I didn't make her wear that big, goofy underwear. I'm sorry, but if you're hanging out with this crowd you gotta know that eventually your pants are gettin' pulled down. Am I right?
Fez: I am so glad I did not pull down Caroline's pants. I mean, if she asked me to, I would. ...Because I respect her wishes. And also, I am so horny.
Hyde: Forman, when I told you to be funny to give Donna panties...I meant it'd be funny to me. [chuckles] And it was!

Eric: So, you're saying that Donna and I will be okay?
Red: No. All I did was scratch your mother's shoes. I didn't pull her pants down in front of God and the foreign kid.

Romantic Weekend [3.16][edit]

Kelso: Okay, so I'm making out with Pam Macey in the orchestra pit, and everything's progressing like normal. Until...
Fez: What?
Kelso: You know, the really, really bad thing that can happen to guys when they're with girls.
Fez: Oh, did Mr. Cooper come in to buff the floor?
Kelso: ...No. Okay. Let me put it this way: The buffer wouldn't buff.
Fez: Poor Mr. Cooper.
Hyde: No, Fez! I think what he's trying to say is... the rabbit wouldn't come out of the hat.
Eric: The weasel wouldn't pop.
Hyde: The alphabet soup never spelled, "Go".
Kelso: OKAY! ALRIGHT, ENOUGH!
Eric: Actually, not quite. There are a lot of Amish people, but they never raised a barn.
Hyde: Forman, man, that was awesome!
Eric: It just came to me.
Fez: Oh, I get it. The barn is Kelso's pants!
Kelso: Okay! You guys, this is not funny! This is like a nightmare!
Fez: Yes Eric, stop teasing. Kelso, I want you to know that I feel bad for you. And that I am sorry YOU ARE NOT A MAN!

Eric: So, looks like I'm gonna spend the weekend with Kelso, tutor him in math.
Red: Really.
Kitty: Hmmm.
Red: So, you're allegedly tutoring Kelso in math?
Eric: Yes sir.
Kitty: Are you good in math?
Red: What's the square root of x?
Eric: Um, I really can't answer that?
Red: A-HA!
Eric: No, see. X is a variable so until you define its parameter is the only possible answer is the variable or x if you prefer.
Red: Is that right?
Kitty: Sounds good. Will Michael's parents be home?
Eric: Yes.
Red: Are they as dumb as he is?
Eric: I can't lie. Yes. Yes, they are.
Red: Right answer. (to Kitty) That was a trick question. I know they're dumb.
Eric: So, I can go?
Red: You can go, but I'll be watching the news. And if anything gets vandalized, or explodes, or catches on fire, X is gonna equal me kicking your ass.

Hyde: Okay, I'm gonna sneak some beer out of the fridge. You go be lookout.
Fez: You can count on me. [sees the Formans walk into the kitchen with groceries and says nothing to Hyde] Hyde, the Formans are home.
Hyde: It's a little late, Fez.
Fez: It's funnier this way.

Kitty's Birthday (That's Today!?) [3.17][edit]

[Red and Eric have taken Kitty square dancing to make up for missing her birthday]
Eric: This is awful.
Donna: She made me waffles, now promenade you son of a bitch!

The Trials of Michael Kelso [3.18][edit]

Fez: While we were getting beat up, I think I got to second base.

[The guys are awaiting their beating in the rival school's locker room]
Eric: Now instead of feeling scared and anxious, I feel relaxed, and...relaxed.
Fez: I know we're probably gonna get beaten, but it was worth it. Because we showed we have tremendous school spirit. [starts sobbing] Go Vikings!
Hyde: School spirit is for losers, man. You're just, like, floating along on a conveyor belt of conformity. Pep rallies, extracurricular activities, washing your hair. It's all just a trap, man!
Eric: Yeah, Fez. It's one thing to root for a football team, but to confuse the Point Place Vikings with a sense of personal identity? That's just...relaxing. [starts laughing hysterically] We're all gonna die tomorrow!

Eric's Naughty No-No [3.19][edit]

[The guys talk about the X-rated film they saw earlier]
Eric: Okay, so did anyone besides me think that some of the guys in that movie were not completely...average? Like, you know, way, way...above average?
Hyde: Well, you don't go into that line of work when you're below average. You just pray some hot, redheaded neighbor girl likes you for your personality.
Fez: What are you talking about? Those men were completely average. In fact, I found the guy with the mustache downright puny.
Kelso: See now, Fez, that's not honest. I mean, we all know you're small in the pants. What I'm saying is, from here on in, I'm only telling the truth. In fact, I'm gonna come clean to Jackie about everything!
Fez: Fine. You want honesty? I'll give you honesty. We are all small in the pants!
Hyde: Kelso...this might be your best idea ever. You know what? You should make a list of all the lies you've ever told to Jackie. And I'll help you. So all's I really want is for you to be happy.
Eric: You guys, honestly. You don't think Donna's, you know...bored, right? 'Cause those guys in the movie, they didn't do the same move twice. And I've done the same move, like...always.
Kelso: I'll bet they go to a special school or something. I mean, they're like doctors at doing it.

[Donna just told Jackie what Eric tried to do during their last 'session']
Jackie: He did? What the heck for?
Donna: I don't know. In what universe is that sexy?
Jackie: Only one... the skinny, pervert universe.
Donna: It was just so strange. I mean, usually he just sticks to, like, two or three key moves.
Jackie: You know, I bet it's because of that nudie flick they saw yesterday.
Donna: They went to an X-rated movie?
Jackie: Didn't Eric tell you?
Donna: No. God, why would Eric go see something like that? I mean, is our sex life so boring that he has to sneak around and watch other people do it?
Jackie: Donna, of course it is. It's okay.

Kelso: Okay, Jackie. There are some things I haven't been honest about that I feel like you should know.
Jackie: Okay. [to Hyde and Fez] Why are they here?
Kelso: Well, Hyde helpfully pointed out that it's not really honesty unless your friends are allowed to watch. So anyway, I made a list.
Hyde: The list was my idea.
Kelso: Thank you for that, Hyde. Okay, so let's just get started. Um, that picture you saw of me in kindergarten? Those weren't puffy pants. It was a big boy diaper.
[Hyde and Fez start laughing]
Kelso: And that time you came out of the shower, and you thought you saw a flash? I did take your picture. This one time you asked me if you had anything in your teeth? And you did, but I said no, 'cause it's funnier that way. [Hyde keeps laughing while Jackie gets upset]
[Later...]
Kelso: We were about to fool around, and I said that I washed my hands? But really I just got done playing with, like, six dogs. [pause] But that's not as bad.

[After Kitty and her sister, Paula, patch their differences]
Paula Sigurdson: Kitty, would you like a makeover?
Kitty: Oh, I really would.
Paula: Okay!
Kitty: [apprehensive] I wouldn't look like a whore, would I?

Holy Craps! [3.20][edit]

[Kitty's not happy that Red, Eric, Hyde and Kelso joined the church fundraiser and rigged all the games]
Kitty: Oh wonderful, I started out in God's magic circle and ended up in Satan's evil square. I can't believe any of you would walk into church without bursting into flames.

Fez Dates Donna [3.21][edit]

Red: [notices Bob in his driveway] Need something, Bob?
Bob: Well, it's a funny thing. The wife and I are taking out a second mortgage on the house. ...Well, that's not the funny part, 'cause we're pretty much destitute.
Red: It's a little bit funny, Bob.
Bob: Anyways, I'm looking at the deed to the property, and the map shows that I own a couple feet of your driveway, and a little bit of your garage.
Red: How'd you like to own a little bit of my foot in your ass?
Bob: I wouldn't to be quite honest.
Red: It's free!

Eric's Drunken Tattoo [3.22][edit]

Donna: Take off your pants.
Eric: All right!
Donna: No! So I can see your tattoo!
Eric: I knew that. I think you're really gonna like it. Just don't be mad if it says... "Debbie." [pulls down his pants and shows his tattoo]
Donna: Woodstock.
Eric: It says "Woodstock"?
Donna: No, it's a picture of Snoopy's friend Woodstock! [laughs] You have a little yellow bird on your ass!

Canadian Road Trip [3.23][edit]

Mountie #1: What are you doing in Canada?
Leo: What are you doing in Canada? [Mounties look at each other]
Hyde: We're part of an elite high school terrorist team. Strike Force Wisconsin! [Raises hands]
Eric: Uh, we just came here to get the beer. And I love Rush. Fly By Night! Ow! [raises arm]
Kelso: Well, if ham's Canadian bacon, then what the hell do you call bacon?
Fez: Me no speakas English.
Mountie #1: What's your business in Canada?
Leo: What's your business in Canada? [Mounties look at each other]
Eric: We're... getting beer.
Kelso: Every once in a while, do you ever get an American nickel in your change? [Looks at both mounties in turn]
Fez: Me no understando.
Mountie #2: What's your reason for coming to Canada, eh?
Leo: What's your re-
Mountie #1 Shut up!
Hyde: Yeah, I'm here to nail Margaret Trudeau.
Mountie #1: Been there.
Mountie #2: Done that.
Eric: Beer. [Pause] Beer! BEER!
Kelso: Are those snowshoes hard to walk in? They're tennis rackets, aren't they?
Fez: Wee foobie dibbie doobie.
Mountie #1: Wee foobie...
Mountie #2: Dibbie doobie...

Mountie #2: Now, Leave Canada Please. [The boys and Leo walk out, with Leo doing one last retort]
Leo: You Leave Canada Please.

Mountie #1: Stop right there!
Fez: Hey, you found me! You win a beer!

Backstage Pass [3.24][edit]

The Promise Ring [3.25][edit]

Kelso: A promise ring is not only a gift from the heart, but it also means more sex and less mouthin' off.

[At the Forman house garage, Eric and Donna talk about their relationship, which has taken a bad turn.]
Donna: If we're meant to be together, then we'll end up together.
Eric: No. The way we end up together is by saying we'll be together and then...being together.
Donna: Eric come on, we're together now. Isn't that enough?
Eric: NO! I mean [walks away then faces Donna] I mean, DAMN Donna! If you can see a future for yourself without me, and that doesn't, like, break your heart, then we're not doing what I thought we're doing here and you know what? Maybe we shouldn't even be together at all!
Donna: [after short pause] Are you breaking up with me?
Eric: Are you giving back that ring?
Donna: Yes.
Eric: Then, yes. [Donna leaves ring on hood.]