The Adventures of Sam & Max: Freelance Police
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The Adventures of Sam & Max: Freelance Police is an animated television series starring Sam & Max, a duo of private investigators composed of Sam, an anthropomorphic dog, and Max, a lagomorph or "hyperkinetic rabbity-thing".
"The Thing That Wouldn't Stop It" (1997)
- Sam: Gee, I hope this wasn't anything important.
Max: It looks like an incredibly virulent form of the plague.
Sam: But tastes like butter.
- Sam: I can't believe I shot at an innocent vegetable.
Max: I can't believe I said chill.
- Sam: Well here we are in the hostile parallel ice dimension contained inside the Geek's freezer.
Max: And me without my lip balm.
Sam: And you without lips. But, enough of this.
- Little Yellow Creatures: [singing] In the morning, in the evening, ain't we got fun.
- Hudson: What are ya, a crazy man? What kind of sick lunatic would volunteer to do that?
Max (getting excited): Ooh, pick me! Ooh, pick me! Ooh!
Sam: Sorry, Max. You just don't have the sheer girth to volunteer for such a hazardous mission. (points at himself) This one's on me. (ties a napkin around her neck, and then produces a giant knife and fork when Sam, Max, and the repair men all salute at her; she enters the room where the Thing is sobbing with her giant knife and fork)
- Max: It's a nondescript supermodel! (leaps into her arms) Quick, Sam! Take a picture!
Sam: [to Max] You always have an effect on the ladies.
- The Geek: You guys! Look what you just did! The lab is ruined!
Sam: Oh, I wouldn't say that! Some fresh paint, a few plants here and there, and a construction crew working around the clock, and it'll be as good as new!
- Sam: I don't know anyone who could fire-bomb a bunch of cute little kittens!
Max: Here. Let me.
- Max: It wont be long now ... Sam skipped lunch.
Repair Men: Eewwwww!!!!
- Hudson: We're doomed, man! DOOOOOMED!!!!!!
Other Repair Men, Sam, The Geek, and Max: HUDSON!!!
- Sam: I'm just tossing darts in the dark here, but I'd say this whole transdimensional mess is the combined result of you storing toxic oozes in leaky zippy lock bags in a freezer that's as neglected as Quasimodo at a Sadie Hawkins dance.
- Sam: Hello there. Don't be afraid. I'll be your eater for this evening.
The Thing: Thank you.
Sam: No, thank you. Well, here goes. (turns on a TV, and eats the Thing up, as he watches the TV)
- Sam: It's over. He's gone on to a better place. (pats his huge, swollen belly with both of him hands, and then takes a deep cleansing breath of air slowly and deeply, and sighs deeply)
Max: How was he? At ... the end, I mean?
Sam: He was ... happy. And except for a little freezer burn, surprisingly tasty.
"The Second Show Ever" (1997)
- Sam: You have nothing to fear but fear itself.
Max: And that big cranky alien cranium heading straight for us.
- Sam: Look Lactose, we'd rather you didn't eradicate the whole human race.
Max: Some of our closest friends claim to be human.
- Sam: Gee, we're not doing such a good job at saving humanity.
Max: Maybe he'd thumb wrestle you for it.
"Max's Big Day" (1997)
- Max: Why would anybody want to wear a suit?
Chimp (exposing his rear): Ever seen a chimp's rear end? It's not pretty.
Max: Enough. Please! No! Show me no more! I can't take it. I... I... I... Hey, I can see my face in it.
- Sam: Well here we are, woefully lacking chutes and falling at one billion feet per second.
Max: Is it my fault the restroom and cockpit doors are virtually identical?
- Sam: I'm fine, knucklehead! Much like the weasel utilizes its collapsable skull to fit through near impossible spaces, I have called upon a like ability to collapse all my bones and bulky organs in order to dupe these uncultured puppies into thinking they've rolled and pressed me into this unsettling garment, ha ha ha! Neat, huh?
- Guinea Pig Chieftain: Pardon my insolence, but no true Chosen One would turn down a gift from his people, especially one as nice as the hollowed out carcass of a close personal friend! It is a great insult, one punishable by death!
Max: I am too the Chosen one! I can prove it! (does various armpit noises with his arms)
- Max: I never knew we can have this much fun and still be suitable for younger viewers!
"Bad Day On The Moon" (1997)
- Sam: It was the stern guiding voice of the Commissioner with just the right kind of hair-raising case we can wrap our overactive adrenal glands around.
Max: Are you talking dirty?
- Sam: Did you make sure to sew ID tags on all your underwear?
Max: But I don't...
Sam: Oh yeah... Me neither.
- Max: Hey, what happens when my paper bag runs out?
Sam: Did you bring a spare?
Max: I'm embarrassed by my lack of preparation. (Hanging his head) I'm a fool.
- Sam: Giant rat guys! Weird. Interesting.
Max: And somehow appropriate. Shall we slap the sleeper on 'em and make them cry uncle?
Sam: Can't think of a reason not to.
- (over time, to rat shopkeeper)
Max: Mister, you can put your hands down now...Hey, mister, you can put your hands down now...Mister, you can put your hands down now.
Shopkeeper: (hands still up) Well, I've got to get back to the store, but if there's anything else-
Max: PUT YOUR HANDS DOWN, FOR GOD'S SAKES! PUT 'EM DOWN NOOOOOOOW!
(force of Max's scream sends shopkeeper flying into a fountain)
- Sam: It's a world of roach-like leviathans lumbering through a gargantuan city-scape.
Max: Hehe, isn't it cute how they gather into social groups.
- Sam: A Moon-roach coffee shop. It's uncanny. Like some Earth-parallel development.
Max: I never dreamed I'd live long enough for you to say 'Earth-parallel development' and mean it Sam.
- Sam: Ow. It feels like the convolutions of my brain are being analysed... I hate that.
- Sam: And it sure is nice to have you back in your plushy little carcass again Max. How do you feel buddy?
Max: Not bad. Although I'm cranky and listless, I'm retaining water, and I keep spitting up sawdust.
- Sam: It's a plain old itty bitty Earth-roach and he's packing heat.
Max: I don't like the look on his face. It's cold. Calculated. Almost inhuman!
- Sam: These bugs are worse than a three-headed monkey!
- Sam: Sometime we should sit down and have a spiritual discussion about the sanctity of life, Max.
Max: BLAM! And then he was mucilage! Did you say something, Sam?
"Dysfunction Of The Gods" (1997)
- Sam (reading a sign): "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Souvlaki". Ahaha, that's funny.
Max (wearing shoes and a shirt): At least pants are optional.
- Zeus: Who dares trespass in the palace of Zeus, son of Cronus, slayer of Uranus?!
Max (in a high-pitched, helium-induced voice): We are Sam and Max, champions of justice, tormentors of Roman-featured bearded guys in loose-fitting jammies!
- Sam: That's Pandora's Box little pal! You've just unwittingly liberated all the ills and horrors of society!
Max: It's Vegas! Who's gonna notice?
- Zeus: You see, it's not my fault my wife's a shrill harpy.
Harpy (audience member): As a harpy, I feel devalued by your derogatory usage of the term!
- Max (to Eros sitting in the audience armed with a rubber-bow): Perpetrator is armed and dangerous. DROP IT CUPID! DROP THE WEAPON!
- Sam: Holy Hannah hold the phone. I'm young again!
Max: And I'm a less inviting target for roosting pigeons!
- Max: (after Zeus and Hera decide to renew their wedding vows) and as a special treat we've arraged for you to be renew your wedding vows in beautiful intoxicating LAAAAAAS VEGAS!!!!
"They Came From Down There" (1997)
- Sam (hanging up the phone): That was you know who, Max.
Max: Our cantankerous man servant?
- The Geek : Well, you could take the Vespa...
Max : Not in this lifetime.
Sam : I feel all crawly.
The Geek (Dejected): Or you could take the boat. But you have to promise to be careful this...time?
Sam and Max (already in boat and roaring off): Thanks, Geek!
- (in a sewer)
Max: "Look, Sam, baby alligators!"
Sam: "Well they're buoyant and log-shaped, but they're hardly alligators."
Max: "I don't feel so good."
- Sam: Curious... What could account for such a bizarre fluctuation in the populace? War? Famine? Rampant cannibalism?
Max (getting excited): Cannibalism! I vote cannibalism!
- Max: (top of his head has just been twisted off) Amazing! I had no idea my skull was threaded for easy access!
Sam: Quick, press down on the medulla oblongata! Five bucks says he smells burnt toast!
"Big Trouble At The Earth's Core" (1997)
- Sam: Here's what we've got to go on. It's an unidentifiable life form, offensive in both appearance and smell, and it's been in the back of the fridge since we moved in.
Max: It's either some kind of spreadable meat byproduct or nesting hamsters.
Sam: It is fur-bearing, and that's what throws ya.
- Max: Woahee, the world truly is a carousel of color.
Sam: There's drama and mirth in old mother Earth.
Max: And all of her secretions you see.
- Sam: Looky there Max, it's a horde of murderous inner-dwellers.
Max: When there are five or more, the correct term is a clot.
- Sam: DO YOU REALISE WHAT THIS MEANS!?!?
Max: NO! BUT LET ME GUESS!!!!
- Sam: You wouldn't have anything tucked away for putting smoky holes in things would ya?
Max: Just minty toothpicks.
- Max: Actually, I'm deathly afraid of seeing them kiss. Ew, they're at it! LET'S GO! LET'S GO!!
- Sam (sniffing elevator): What's that smell? Oh Max.
"A Glitch In Time" (1997)
- Sam: It's time we taught this ornery critter it's proper place in the food chain Max.
Max: I like 'em deep fried with lemon.
- Max: For Pete's sake, I spit my bad breath at thee!
- Max: We return victorious! Proud with the scars of battle! Haha. It looks like I'm wearing polka dot jammies.
- Sam: This sure stirs up a few long suppressed memories.
Max: And explains all those sticky nightmares I have about possessed vermin headwear.
- Sam: Then one day, something happened. I ate a bad head-cheese sandwich and wandered off in an hallucinogenic daze. I came-to 15 years later in a remote Tibetan monastery. I had attained higher consciousness, but still, I always felt there was something missing... Besides shorts.
- Max: A rogue octopus? It's déjà vu all over again. Let's roll!
"That Darn Gator" (1997)
- Sam: We were doing a little light housekeeping down in the Sub-basement of Solitude, when after a mishap or two with the work-vac, Max accidentally sucked something up out of the porcelain hobby horse.
- Max: I'll name him John, since that's where we found him.
- Max: Sam, can you give me a hand in here. It's time for another diaper change.
Sam walks in and spins Max around, changing his diaper in a flurry.
Sam: Boy, I don't know what we'd do without these things.
Max: Me neither. I barely have time to think, let alone tend to my own needs.
- Sam: What's the matter little fellow? Are you bored? Are you sleepy?
Max: Are you sensing my desire to turn you into a quiet little handbag!
- Sam: Maybe it's too hot.
Sam pours a little of the drink onto Max's outstretched arm.
Max: Hmm, there is a slight burning sensation.
Sam: That's just the venom.
- Sam: That's it Max. That's the answer. He'll only eat things off your finger.
Max: Like the first three layers of skin.
- Max: Well that's the last of it.
Sam: Not quite, there's still some bean-dip.
Max: I mean the sensation in my arm.
- Max: Over the next few months John and I cavorted and frolicked and gamboled as only an alligator and his surrogate mother, who also happens to be a biped rabbity thing, could.
- Sam: What was once a cute cartoony-lizard-baby wriggling around on the rug, was now a full grown, ten foot, foul-tempered, primeval killing machine.
Max: And we loved him so.
- Geek: My hamsters are missing.
Max (in reflection): All eyes turned to John, but of course she had no proof.
- Sam, attempting to stuff their pet alligator "John" down the toilet.
Geek: What are you doing?
Sam: Returning John to the life he once knew
Max: To the wild of the sewers system suit
Geek: Alligators don't come from sewers, they come from Florida
Sam & Max: Florida!
"We Drop At Dawn" (1997)
- Sam: And when that light blinked, we would act. We would act like soldiers. With honor, with dignity, with-
Warning Light: BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.
Sam & Max: (Clamoring to get the folder) MINE! MINE! GIMME GIMME!
- Max: What? No concealable weaponry, road flares or black capsules? What if we get captured?
Sam: Haha. You kill me little buddy.
Max: Only if we're taken alive, Sam.
- Sam: Oops, sorry there, little buddy. Didn't see you down there.
Max (getting up): Think nothing of it, Sam. Luckily I was still numb from having that mossy obelisk break my fall... and my hip... and four of my ribs.
- Sam: (taking a bite of a hot dog from a moss-covered food cart): Amazing! The rampant overuse of preservatives have kept these franks farm fresh!
Max: (fighting with a creature made of old condiments) Too bad the same can't be said for the sauerkraut!
- Sam: Sister Mary Frances in low heels walking away!
Max: It's a phone booth Sam. And look there, a fire hydrant, and a park bench. WE'RE SURROUNDED!
- Max: (voiceover) While Jim circled around, I went in to flush the beggar out.
Max: (aloud) NO PRISONEEEEEERRRRRRRSSSSSS!
- Max: We're Sam & Max, freelance...
Max: Well, if you insist...
- Max: We're not dead yet, stupid squirrel! *Sam, Max and a large frog with a sombrero that tried to eat them appear with musical instruments and played celebratory mariachi music*
- Max: HONOR BAR??! *runs up flight of stairs with Commissioner's keys with Sam*
Sam: Break out those keys little buddy, after all that excitement, I could really go for a 14-dollar bottle of cashews!
Max: And I just gotta go!
"Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang" (1998)
- Max: Nice wedding so far.
Sam: I think the Commissioner would support our decision to employ rubber ammo and tear gas at this point. He wouldn't want this to get out of hand.
Max: After all, it is his daughter's wedding.
- Tobogganing down a mountain whilst being shot at by evil minions.
Max: They're pretty strict about the speed limit around here.
Sam: Beautiful country though isn't it.
- Monkeyfeatures pulls off a mask to reveal he is really Larvo in disguise.
Max: That old parlour trick. We can top that.
Max pulls off a mask to reveal he is Sam'.
Sam pulls off a mask to reveal he is The Geek.
The Geek pulls off a mask to reveal she is Max.
Max pulls off the Sam mask to reveal he is The Geek.
Sam pulls off the The Geek mask to reveal he is Max.
The Geek pulls off the Max mask to reveal she is Sam.
Max pulls off the The Geek mask to reveal he is Monkeyfeatures.
Sam pulls off the Max mask to reveal he is Larvo.
The Geek pulls off the Sam mask to reveal she is also Larvo.
Max pulls off the Monkeyfeatures mask to reveal he is also Larvo, as well.
Sam pulls off the Larvo mask to reveal he is Sonny.
The Geek pulls off the Larvo mask to reveal she is Cher.
- Sam: [to Max] Does she really expect us to sit through this?
Larvo: I don't expect you to sit through anything, Sam and Max. I expect you to fry!
(This is a reference to Goldfinger)
"The Tell Tale Tail" (1998)
- Max: STOP, THIEF!
Sam: You know that never works, Max.
Max: Yes, but it's such a wonderful prelude to the impending mayhem.
- Max: I think those poor folks are forever scarred, Sam.
Sam: Then our work is done here, Max.
- John Keats: You're so scary, Mary Shelley, I've got shivers in my belly. (looks around) It's just a first draft.
- Mary Shelley: Don't be ridiculous, it's right there on your little bum-bum.
Max: Don't toy with me, sister!
Sam: Huh, she said bum.
Keats: But it's right there! That miserable tuft of hair!
Max: It came back! Come here! (Starts chasing it, babbling incoherently.)
"The Trouble With Gary" (1998)
- Max: Tell me what the Commissioner said again Sam, go on tell me, tell me what he said.
Sam: He said in so many four letter words it promises to be our most bizarre, unsettling and gut wrenching assignment to date.
- Sam: We're heading for the Rhombus Enclave, Max. A super-secret military enclave who's existence the Government completely denies. Most likely 'cause they feel stupid saying "Rhombus".
Max: How about "enclave"?
Sam: Hey, good point.
- Max: Look Sam, scientists running in packs. I had no idea nerds were herding animals.
- Female Scientist: You must never speak of it outside these walls. Can we have your word?
Max: Sure. Except my word is unctuous so you won't get to use it very often.
- Female Scientist: We believe that if harnessed this force of nature could become a valuable weapon in our government's immense military arsenal.
Max: Immense arsenal, that's funny.
Sam: What? (scene shifts to show Sam with a giant bazooka in his pants)Does my arsenal look big in these pants?
- Male Scientist: Gary has the power to physically alter his surroundings with his mind.
Max: Hey Gary, turn me into a painted turtle, I want to be a painted turtle.
- Max (talking about a bear): Ah, poor little paranormal critter. If it didn't slash us to bits I was going to name it Tippy.
- Max (getting his head squeezed): Sam! The pressure! It's... it's...
Sam (The same): It's messing up... my hat size!
- Gary: You've made me very angry. This is what I think you are!
Turns Sam into a stuffed cow.
Max: Ah! How could you! I asked if I could be a painted turtle and I was completely ignored!!
Gary zaps him, turning Max into a painted turtle.
Max (in a squeaky voice): Thank you!
- (after Gary has changed the assistant into a butt head)
Max: I stand corrected! I'm the president of his fan club! He just turned that guy into a...
Sam: Don't say it...
(Sam places a pair of boxers on top of the assistant's head
Sam: There are inpressionable young kids watching this show.
Max: Something that rhymes with 'Rutt head'.
"The Invaders" (1998)
- Sam: Looks like we'll have to amend the report to include a close encounter with some ornery stumpies. That's tech talk for height deficient ET's.
Max: All that physical exertion has caused me to work up a froth. I'm gonna go catch a vertical squirt bath... That's tech talk for shower.
- Sam: Looks like we have a secret admirer.
Max: Maybe its a willowy goddess with a stalker-like infatuation for freelance lawmen.
- Max: Foolish aliens! Your puny weapons are no match for our superior attitude!
- Sam (looking at the invaders): They're like a pair of shiny industrious doorknobs.
- Max: Next time, longer fuse.
- Max: The pain is almost euphoric, Sam.
Sam It's like falling asleep in a tanning booth.
- Sam (about to shut a window on one of the invaders): I think I'll just close this window for no good reason.
- Max: (to O Sole Mio) Oh foolish spaceguys, we kicked your butts! To mess with Earthmen, you must be nuuuuuuts!
- Sam: I kid you not, Max.
Max: I love it when you say I kid you not, Max. I mean Sam.
- Max: The simulated 3D carnage makes me tingle like a prom queen.
- Sam: I just hope the kids at home weren't emotionally scarred from witnessing what appeared to be our horrifyingly graphic demise.
Max: Me too. We'll need their keisters parked at the tube in time for our next episode.
Sam: Aww, you old softy.
"Sam & Max Vs. The Uglions" (1998)
- Geek: Quick we gotta locate Colonel Corn the base commander. Split up.
Max: Colonel Corn.
Sam: I'm sure he'll be all ears.
- Max: Defeated after all man's devices and defences had failed. By the humblest things that God in his wisdom has put upon this earth.
Geek: Sam and Max, Freelance Police, right?
Max: No. Zits. Pay attention.
"Little Bigfoot" (1998)
- Sam and Max scream.
Sam: If I didn't see it with my own eyes I never would have believed it. Who'd have guessed one whimpy bolt was holding up five tonnes of colourful roadside Americana.
Max: I was right. You owe me one dino-boogey-snowglobe full of primordial dandruff.
Sam: A deal's a deal. Smile for the birdie.
- Sam pinches Max's straw.
Max: Thanks Sam, I couldn't help myself. There was more. There's always a tiny speck more!
- Max sniffs Little Bigfoot.
Max: He doesn't smell so bad. Sort of like a wet puppy.
Sam: Sorry, that's me. These hip-waders haven't drained from our last trip.
- Sam: I'm a little insulted he didn't pick us out of this gaggle.
Max: I'm a little disappointed we don't actually get to eat this way.
- Sam and Little Bigfoot start screaming.
Max: There's a truck coming.
Their car careens off a cliff.
Max: Lot of cliffs around here.
- Max: Pull over, you large boned citizen. Cooperate and you'll be slapped around without incident.
- Max: Now I get it. It's a band of super intelligent circus apes quietly undermining our Utopian society. Freeze circus apes!
Sam: Ah, they're bigfoots, Max.
Max: My gosh, you're right. It's obvious from their glaring lack of unicycles.
- Sam: They're rejecting him. Maybe he smells too human. Max, come here a minute, and bring your armpit.
"Aaiiieee Robot" (1998)
- Max: Extreme freelance police... sounds like a committee generated notion for next season!
Sam: Quiet, Max, they'll hear ya!
- Sam: I may be shooting off my dog-lips here, Max, but I've got a nagging notion that Totzilla's economy-sized hissy-fit is the result of parental neglect and a premature transition to solid foods!
- Sam: Shedding a sentimental tear for a deed well done?
Max: (sobbing) That and the fact that we just blew off our ride back home...
- TV cleanup
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