The Amanda Show
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The Amanda Show is a sketch comedy/variety show airing on Nickelodeon from 1999 to 2002 and starring Amanda Bynes in multiple roles.
- Amanda: "We've gotta fly towards Nickelodeon! Please hurry, I've got a show to do."
- Helicopter Pilot: "Nickelodeon? are you one of them Rugrats?" (He begins chuckling.)
- Amanda: "No, I'm Amanda- Amanda Bynes."
- Helicopter Pilot: "Oh, I wish you were one of them Rugrats."
- Amanda: I am so excited to be doing the show because I am working with some really cool people. [loud thud] Um, it's like a dream come true, because, on a regular show, you'd never...[loud thud]...what's that noise?
- [The noise was Penelope trying to break into a room.]
- Amanda: And everyone here on the show really makes me feel at home. The only thing missing is my room.
- Audience member 1: Hey, Amanda. Since you're the star of the show, do you think you can get pizza and flowers delivered to you in under 30 seconds by two of your favorite TV stars?
- Audience member 2: And get me a banana nut muffin?
- Amanda: Okay, come on; there is no way that I can get a pizza delivered in under...
- [She gets interrupted by cheers and applause, and turns around to see that two All That cast members, Josh Server and Kenan Thompson, have delivered her flowers and a pizza.]
- Audience member 2: <after Kenan throws him a banana nut muffin> I LOVE YOU, MAN!
- Audience member's great-grandmother: DON'T TRUST THE GERMANS!
- Amanda: Uh, okay.
- Amanda: <after the great-grandmother laughs> Uh, ma'am, that wasn't the funny part.
- Audience member's great-grandmother: CREAMED CORN!
- Amanda: Hey! What's with all the hair dryers? You blew a fuse!
- Nancy: We're having a wiener roast.
- Amanda: Over 30 hair dryers?
- Nancy: Yeah. We're not allowed to start a fire in here. Wiener?
- Amanda: Sure, okay. [to audience] We're going to roast some wieners, so stick around! We'll be back in a second to do stuff!
- Amanda: Okay, look. I have to be totally honest with you guys. I'm really not in the best mood. <audience groans> Well, see, look; here's the problem. I usually get really nice letters from fans of the show, but yesterday, I got this. <She pulls out a letter.> Listen to what this kid wrote: "Dear Amanda, I hate The Amanda Show! <audience gasps> Sincerely, Michael. P.S. I hate your show!" Can you believe what this kid, Michael, wrote?
- Audience member 1: <stands up> LET'S GET HIM!
- <The crowd starts to cheer and rally around the man. Amanda finally gets their attention.>
- Amanda: Okay, calm down! Easy! Easy! Look, I really appreciate your mob mentality, but everybody has a right to say what they think.
- Audience member 2: I think the Russians ate the moon!
- Amanda: Except for that guy. Okay, look; since this Michael kid hates the show, I think I should go talk to him about it. Yeah?
- Audience: Yeah.
- <Amanda opens the letter again.>
- Amanda: Okay, let's see. His address is right here, so you guys sit tight, and I'll go see what this kid's problem is.
- <Amanda waves goodbye and walks off the set. The camera cuts to Michael's house, where she knocks on the door, and Michael's mother answers.>
- Michael's mother: Yes? Can I help you?
- Amanda: Hi. Is Michael here?
- Michael's mother: Yes. He's inside, booing at the TV. Come on in.
- <The two walk inside to the living room, where Michael is booing at the television set.>
- Michael: BOO! BOO! I HATE THIS SHOW! BOO!
- <He throws a shoe at the TV as Amanda walks in.>
- Michael's mother: There he is.
- Amanda: Uh, hi?
- Michael: Who are you?
- Amanda: I'm Amanda. You wrote me a letter. You said you hated The Amanda Show.
- Michael: Yeah. I'm watching it now!
- <Amanda looks at the TV screen with a very confused look on her face. Eventually it dawns on her that Michael is tuning in to the wrong program thinking it was "The Amanda Show.">
- Clam World Narrator: The male clams ask the female clams to dance.
- Amanda: That's not "The Amanda Show!" That's "Clam World!" Here!
- <She takes the remote and changes the channel to "The Amanda Show," which currently shows the "Crazy Courtney" sketch where Courtney runs for class president, and wins by cheating in the form of humiliating her opponent.>
- Amanda: That's "The Amanda Show."
- Michael: <laughs after watching> This IS pretty funny! <laughs some more> Oh, you rock! <laughs even more> This is a great show!
- <Amanda looks into the camera which zooms out to reveal the studio monitors showing her at the house.>
- Amanda: So stick around! We'll be back in a second to do stuff! Whoo-hoo!
- <Cheers and applause from the studio audience.>
Master Security Crossing Body Guard/Police Captures Penelope (Scene in the 1999 Pilot Episode)
- Penelope: Sir! My name is Penelope Taynt! I'm Amanda's number one fan! I have my very own Amanda website: www.AmandaPlease.com.
- Security Guard: Yeah, yeah. You're www.- coming with me!
Penelope Bribes Josh
- [Josh is playing rock, paper, scissors against himself in the mirror when Penelope shows up.]
- Penelope: WHERE'S AMANDA?!
- [Josh screams.]
- Penelope: I said, "Where's Amanda, please?"
- Josh: I...I don't know.
- Penelope: How very sad for you!
- [She holds up a tuning fork with electricity inside it.]
- Josh: No! Oh, please don't damage me! I'm just starting puberty! It's going to be a whole new world!
- Penelope: Wait!
- Josh: What?!
- Penelope: You're an actor on The Amanda Show!
- Josh: Yeah!
- Penelope: Perhaps you can be useful to me!
- Josh: How?
- Penelope: INTRODUCE ME TO AMANDA!
- Josh: YOU'RE CRAZY! I'LL GET FIRED!
- Penelope: I'll make it worth your while.
- Josh: Huh?
- Penelope: You know, you scratch my back, I scratch yours.
- Josh: Uh, okay. [He turns around.] Right between the shoulders.
- Penelope: NO, BRAINLESS!
- [She slaps him on the butt.]
- Penelope: I'm offering you a deal!
- Josh: What kind of a deal?
- [Penelope grabs Josh's hair to make him stand up, and he reacts to it.]
- Penelope: You introduce me to Amanda, and I will make your co-actor, Blake, disappear!
- Josh: Drake? Why would I want Drake to disappear?!
- Penelope: Think about it, simple boy! With Blake gone, you'll get to play all of his parts on the show.
- Josh: Wow!
- [Josh imagines himself in a Hillbilly Moment sketch, Tony Pajamas sketch, and Totally Kyle sketch, in the roles where Drake normally appears; the first two sketches air later in the episode.]
- Penelope: Well?
- Josh: How do we get rid of Blake?
- Barney: Am I in...China?
- Penelope: Remember our deal; I dispose of Blake.
- Josh: Drake.
- Penelope: IT MATTERS!
- Josh:: Sorry.
- Penelope: I get rid of Blake, and you introduce me to Amanda!
- Staff worker: Who are you?
- Penelope: I'm...the air conditioning man.
- Staff worker: But you're a girl.
- Penelope: Prove it! Where's Amanda, please?
- Staff worker: Oh, she went to get dressed. She has to be on stage in just a minute.
- Penelope: Does this air conditioning vent lead to the stage?
- Staff worker: I'm not sure.
- Penelope: Then thanks for nothing! I'll find Amanda myself, please! Fair thee well!
- Announcer: This is the courtroom of Judge Trudy. When you have a beef, don't take the beef into your own hands. Put your beef in the hands of Judge Trudy. Okay.
- All rise!
- Get up!
- Rise up!
- Bottoms up!
- Hut 2!
- Get vertical!
- Straighten your spines!
- Stand, ye rand!
- Raise your rumps!
- Make with the rising!
I hereby sentence you...
- ...to a cage match with two professional wrestlers!
- ...to one week locked up in a box with two contagious sick people!
- ...to be chased by an unpredictable man in a gorilla suit!
- ...to be sold to the highest bidder in the courtroom!
- ...to put a brand new 33-inch television in this boy's room; furthermore, I sentence you two to play dodgeball with three bitter Marines! Let the games begin!
- ...to give a very old woman piggyback for the next three years!
- ...Dr. Pain In The Butt over here to get a little shot herself! Bailiff!
- ...to spend three years on the planet Venus!
Defendant can't pay the fine
- Well, then you're going in a leopard cage!
- Well, then I'll have to confiscate your dress!
- Then this bailiff will have to put an angry chipmunk down your pants!
- I'll have to ask the bailiff to dump that man's plate of lasagna down your trousers!
- Court dismissed! Bring in the Dancing Lobsters!
- Plaintiff: Well, Judge Trudy, my teacher, Miss Burkel...she gave me detention.
- [crowd boos]
- Miss Burkel: I had every right to give him detention! Look at me!
- Judge Trudy: You can't give a kid detention just because YOU'RE UNATTRACTIVE!
- Judge Trudy: Now it's his fault YOU'RE STICKY?
- Miss Burkel: I'm NOT sticky by nature! He put glue on everything in the classroom!
- Plaintiff: You said to make a collage!
- Miss Burkel: Not upon me!
- Plaintiff: Who says "upon?"
- Miss Burkel: Listen, glue boy.
- Judge Trudy: One more interruption and I'll glue something to your butt!
- Miss Burkel: THERE'S NO MORE ROOM ON MY BUTT!
- <She turns and shows a globe is glued to her butt. The judge bangs the gavel to quiet the gallery, who was snickering.>
- Judge Trudy: Order! Order! This situation does NOT call for snickering!
- Miss Burkel: Thank you!
- Judge Trudy: It calls for pointing and loud laughing. Begin.
- <The gallery does so for five seconds.>
- Judge Trudy: <bangs gavel> I hereby sentence you to be sold to the highest bidder in the court room!
- Random gallery member: $1!
- Judge Trudy: <bangs gavel again> Sold! Take her away!
Stop Motion Amanda
Awards Show Dream
- <In her dream, Penelope is nominated for an award for her website, www.AmandaPlease.com, on an awards program presented by Whoopi Goldberg. This is one of the Stop Motion Amanda segments.>
- Whoopi Goldberg: All right, people! And now, the moment you've all been waiting for: the award for the best website in the world! And the winner for the best website is... <opens envelope and waits for drum roll to end> ...www.AmandaPlease.com by Penelope Taynt! Penelope Taynt, come on up, girlfriend!
- <Penelope walks on stage during the resulting applause.>
- Penelope: Thank you! Thank you, please! As you people know, my name is Penelope Taynt! I'm Amanda's number one fan, please, and I would like to thank the academy for giving me this award for the best website of the year, please! <bows during applause> In fact, I can think of no better way to say "thank you" than to show you all my website right now! <opens laptop> www.AmandaPlease.com. This week, you can win a surprise from "The Amanda Show!" <clicks on link> See? That's the gavel Amanda uses when she plays Judge Trudy! If you visit my website, you might win this actual gavel...which I stole! <clicks another link> Now, let's view the Amanda Video Clip of the Week! Watch as Amanda actually gargles...and spits! <The video shows Amanda gargling mouthwash before spitting it into her bathroom sink.> She's minty fresh, please! <clicks home page link> Back to the home page, where you'll find tons of Amanda games! <closes laptop> So, isn't my website excellent!
- Whoopi: Let's hear it for www.AmandaPlease.com!
- Penelope: Thank you, Whopper!
- Whoopi: Whoopi. And now, Penelope, we have another surprise for you! Since your website, www.AmandaPlease.com is so excellent, you now get to meet Amanda!
- <Penelope faints and subsequently knocks Whoopi's head off her body.>
- Penelope: I can't believe I finally get to meet Amanda, please!
- Whoopi: Could you put my head back on my body, please?
- Penelope: Sorry, please. <She reattaches Whoopi's head to her body.> There. Now where's Amanda?
- Whoopi: She's right over there! Amanda, come on up!
- Penelope: Amanda! Amanda! Amanda, please! Amanda!
- <The scene switches back to live action, which shows Penelope is dreaming.>
- Penelope: ...Amanda, Amanda, Amanda! Where are you? Amanda! <wakes up> Please? It was a dream?! Why must I always awaken before I meet Amanda? I must continue sleeping immediately! Good night, please! <She hits herself in the face with her laptop and knocks herself out.>
The Girls' Room
- Debbie: I like eggs!
- Debbie: If my name was Elizabeth, it'd be Elizabeth!
- Tammy: My name's Tammy. I'm an exchange student from Tennessee.
- Debbie: Don't forget to vote for Amber for president!
- Danielle: Why would I want to vote for Amber when I'm running for president?
- Debbie: Happy Hanukkah!
- Sheila: Your turn.
- Debbie: Oh, sorry. I'll have a cheeseburger, fries, and a large root beer.
- Sheila: We're doing the show! Earth to Debbie!
- Debbie: Hi, Earth!
- Sheila: You'd better check the date on your brain, because I think it expired!
- Debbie: Thanks!
- Debbie: My daddy has a car!
- Debbie: My mom uses a special ointment!
- Amber: [after seeing Jamie Bradford is really a boy, not a girl] Emergency conference!
- [The girls get together.]
- Amber: Oh my gosh!
- Sheila: Oh my gosh!
- Danielle: Oh my gosh!
- Tammy: Oh my gosh!
- Debbie: Oh my hammers!
- Tammy: Oh, for the love of Fat Elvis! Can we please get this show on the road?
- Tammy: Debbie, as a child, were you dropped on your head?
- Debbie: Sure! Lots of times!
My Name's Amanda...
- ...and welcome to my show!
- ...and I stay crunchy, even in milk!
- ...and I have my father's credit card!
- ...and my grandma makes great coleslaw!
- ...and I have no use for the metric system!
- ...and everybody here gets complementary chicken breasts!
- ...and I'm the star for the next half-hour!
- ...and my parents think I'm at the library!
- ...and we're on television!
- ...and I'm 100% biodegradable!
- ...and I'm freshly showered!
- ...and I come with everything you see here!
- ...and I contain 10% real fruit juice!
- ...and I come with your choice of fries or onion rings!
- ...and my dad's a dentist! <crowd boos> Uh, wait; my dad's not really a dentist. He's a guy who gives free ice cream to people! <crowd cheers>
- ...and everybody here gets a free car! <crowd cheers> Just kidding. <crowd groans sarcastically> No! I'm serious! You all get a free car!
- ...and my shoes taste just like chicken!
- ...and I...and I...I'm sorry! I forgot my line!
- ...and everyone here tonight gets a free cell phone! <crowd cheers as the staff hands out cell phones>
- ...and I say the fork is superior to the chopstick!
- ...and I enjoy red meat!
- ...and Nickelodeon pays me to do this!
- ...and my belly button contains no lint!
- ...and I declare this month "National Blow Off Your Homework Month!"
- ...and in case of emergency, I can be used as a floatation device!
- ... and we're writing by the best writers Nick can afford!
- ... and I have no use for the metric system!
- Lula Mae: Knock, knock.
- Eenis: Who's there?
- Lula Mae: Rag doll.
- Eenis: Rag doll who?
- Lula Mae: I'm gonna hit you in the head with a rag doll!
- Eenis: [laughs] Uh, what?
- [Lula Mae hits Eenis with a rag doll and he trips around all over the place. Then he stands back up and laughs some more.]
- Eenis: Ha, ha; that's a good one!
NOTE: All jokes in this sketch are the same; the only difference is what Lula Mae hits Eenis with.
- Lula Mae: I'm gonna hit you in the head with a computer monitor!
- Lula Mae: I'm gonna hit you in the head with a bowling pin!
- Lula Mae: I'm gonna hit you in the head with a strawberry shortcake!
- Lula Mae: I'm gonna hit you in the head with a cactus branch!
- Lula Mae: I'm gonna hit you in the head with a steering wheel!
- Lula Mae: I'm gonna hit you in the head with a cement block!
- Lula Mae: I'm gonna hit you in the head with a pink toilet!
- Lula Mae: I'm gonna hit you in the head with a large clam!
- Lula Mae: I'm gonna hit you in the head with a meaty loaf!
- Lula Mae: I'm gonna hit you in the head with a witch broom!
- Lula Mae: I'm gonna hit you in the head with a frog puppet!
- One time I had this mosquito bite, and it was all, like, itchy, so then I scratched it, and then it got all itchy again, so I, like, scratched it again, and then it got all itchy again, so then I scratched it again, and it got itchy. Again. So I scratched it...again!
- One time, I had this, like, double cheeseburger, and it was, like, good, and the juice was all, like, double, and it was, like, the best double cheeseburger that I ever, like, had, like, ever, in my life, and then a week later, I like, threw up.
- My name's Amanda, and...<insert funny line>.
- Stick around; we'll be back in a second to do stuff!
- Well, that's our show. I gotta go...<insert funny line>. See ya!
- My name is Penelope Paynt. I'm Amanda's number one fan. I have my very own Amanda website: www.AmandaPlease.com.
- From his garage, it's Totally Kyle!
- That was Totally Kyle!
The Girls' Room
- Debbie: I like eggs!
- Judge Trudy: <bangs gavel> Court dismissed! Bring in the Dancing Lobsters!
So You Wanna Win 5 Dollars?
- Tina: Hi, and welcome back to "So You Wanna Win $5?"
- Tony's assistant: Tony! It's the Al Dente Brothers!
Prank Call/Mr. Oldman
- Mr. Oldman: Hello?
- Prank caller: Hello?
- Mr. Oldman: Hello?
- Prank caller: Hello?
- Mr. Oldman: Hello?
- Prank caller: Hello?
- Mr. Oldman: Hello?
- Prank caller: Goodbye! <hangs up phone>
- Mr. Oldman: That was so pointless!
Well, That's Our Show. I Gotta Go...See Ya!
- ...home and take a shower.
- ...home and rearrange my dog!
- ...sniff a peanut.
- ...stir-fry a bikini.
- ...dissect a puppet.
- ...sweep an elephant. <This was actually spoken by the winner of an Amanda look-alike contest.>
- ...get my grandmother out of jail.
- ...take these girls out to dinner. You want to say it? <Amanda talking to the winner of a look-alike contest, whose prize is to say the closing line. Amanda then whispers it to her.>
- ...drain my sinuses.
- ...digest an elephant.
- ...apprehend this criminal! <after a robber stole camera 2>
- ...reupholster my father!
- ...alphabetize my sisters!
- ...massage a donut! <this was the final episode>
- ...yank my molars!
- ...overthrow Canada!
- ...scuba-dive with a wiener dog!
- ...body slam my grandmother!
- ...hypnotize a social worker!
- ...teach this guy how to do brain surgery!
- ...take a cruise to Hawaii! <referring to musical guest Vitamin C.>
- ...butter my elbows.
- ...swallow some awful clams.
- ...give my parents their allowance.
- ...rotate my tires.
- ...travel intergalacticly.
- ...feed my monkeys!
- ...on a date with LFO and Dancing Lobsters! <referring to musical guest LFO>
- ...get home before my parents do!
- ...burp this baby.
- ...digest a coconut.
Little Crazy Hat Man
- Little Crazy Hat Man: "Hey, don't look at her hairy mole, look at me."
Why Not Sumo?
- Crazy Sumo: "Yummy, yummy, yummy, stick a straw in my tummy!"
- Announcer: The Allowance Doubler! It will make you rich, which will make you popular, which will make you happy!
- Announcer: LunchBay.com, the convenient way to sell your disgusting lunch items.
- Kids: And make money!
- Meat Loaf: Whoop-dee-dee; have a bowl of me!